I don't think anything at the moment... I am speechless and I've got tears in my eyes. But I am not crying. I am shocked. And very sad. How could people do something like that? I don't understand it. And I won't ever understand it. My father never hit me.

*sighs*

Sometimes I wish he did. Because a slap in the face will stop hurting. Words never did. They are always in your memory. In your mind. They make you feel like Brian feels. And those are the moments I really hate my father - even if he's dead since eight years...

*sighs again*

I won't talk about him. I don't want to talk just right now. I should try to get this fucking knot out of my throat... And maybe today's a day where I should leave fanfictions + my own stories out of my way. Sometimes it's a little bit too much. And I am sure you feel the same sometimes, Tiffany... Because when I read your review-answer from my last review I understand what you mean. Sometimes when you write you write and write and write - and minutes or hours later you watched what you'd written und you are surprised or shocked what you read.

Because the persons in your story took their destiny in their own hands and did what THEY want - and not what you want. Sounds silly, huh? But I hope you know what I mean.

But a last few words to this chapter of you. It's sad and there is only one point that makes me feel a little better: Brian has Justin + Justin has Brian. They are there for each-other. And that's the most important thing of all! To have a friend who's there for you...

Love,

Kitty

Author's Response:

*hugs* 

I think the reason that you can't understand is that you never could do that to someone...there isn't room for such violence and hurtful behavior in you... 

The power of words is really something isn't it? How words never go away -- that is so true. I just hope you can have a lot of other words to fight off and argue with the ones that hurt. 

*sighs*  It's true -- I do understand Brian...trying to hide himself and trying to be perfect. But that's impossible and can be so frustrating... 

Well -- I hope that the next chapter is easier... it does show more of what you mention -- that they have each other! 

*hugs again* 

Love,
Tiffany

Just wow .. great chapter as always .. beautiful writen .. thanks for the update .. love this story so much

* hugs *

 

Author's Response:

*smiles* Thank you so much! I am delighted that you love the story! 

*hugs!*

i'm surprised he's survived this long. nothingwas easy for him growning up. his coach took advantage of him, his father took advantage of him just by being his father and getting away with whatever he felt like doing to his child. there was no one to help him.

he's breaking my heart fearing that there is nothing left of himself. justin has to make him understand that there is so much more of him than he realizes. that even with all that happened it's only a small part of him and the best of him is yet to show.

Author's Response:

I hope you'll like the first steps that Justin takes in this direction in the following chapter. He'll be doing more, as you say...I love your idea of having the best of him yet to show; what a beautiful sentiment. :)

Thanks so much for your ideas, the especially helped in the next chapter! :)

I think you are really expressing Brian's true feelings and I am glad that he has Justin. Please keep the great story.

I am hoping that eventually Brian will become at peace with himself with the support and love of Justin.

I am hoping you will continuue to write this story as well as many other.

Thanks for being a great writer. Have a nice holiday season!

Debbie

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I like your term "at peace with himself" -- I think that is exactly the phrase to capture what Brian needs to do. 

I've been trying to think of other story ideas. I have a couple but I don't like them much! 

Thank you for being so sweet and supportive! Happy  holidays to you, too! 

Tiffany

*waves hello* I found this chapter really interesting (and very hot but that’s a whole other issue).

 

There’s no doubt that Brian has legitimate reasons to be angry at his parents. I think that for many people anger operates as a default emotion. Rather than admitting that we’re sad or hurt, something that makes us vulnerable, it’s easier to simply be angry. It seems more empowering and by implication “safer”. I don’t know that is necessarily true for Brian though – he seems terrified of anger in a deeper way than when trying to confront other emotions.

 

I think Brian’s fear of anger makes a lot of sense within the context of his childhood and the ambivalent relationship between affection and anger, love and violence set up in the previous chapter. It would certainly be a frightening prospect if your signifier for love and attention is anger and you have first hand experience of the damage and violence anger can lead to.

 

We also see that confusion between love, hatred, anger, affection and violence in canon through Justin’s bashing in 122 and Brian’s reactions in season 2. I think it’s fair to say that Brian believes his attempt at demonstrating love for Justin by attending the prom lead to the act of anger / hatred / violence by Chris Hobbs. The cycle of his childhood repeated and reinforced. It’s quite interesting to think about Brian’s reaction to the attack on him by Justin’s father outside Babylon or his hitting Michael in season 3 within that context.

 

As to Justin’s solution for helping Brian to express that anger safely…I thought that was simply brilliant *nods* It incorporates so many of the themes you’ve laid the ground work for in previous chapters – the safety Brian feels in relationship “rules” and boundaries (which are essentially emotional restraints) together with the fact that Brian’s attempts at emotional intimacy or communication are most effective when expressed as sex, touching or at least some element of physicality (the chair springs to mind here, where the lack of room forces Brian and Justin to touch while also creating a freer emotional space). Corporeal restraint allowing safety and freedom for emotional expression.

 

See, I told you to be careful what you wish for :) : )

Author's Response:

This is not only what I wished for, but exactly what I need to get me thinking about something other than work and thereby losing my mind. So thank you!

I like your idea about Brian's reasons for anger and his fear of it. I think he is basically afraid of being angry and of too much emotional expression of any kind. That was one of the things that did shake him in this chapter -- that he was tied up for non-sexual purposes. Also, as you suggest, it showed Brian that Justin was aware of how he felt and what he needed at a deep level, even though Brian had tried to hide it and didn't want Justin to have to help.

 

I LOVE your point about Brian's confusion being exemplified over the Chris Hobbs situation. Brian certainly causally links openness/affection/love with retribution/violence/rejection.  It certainly makes it more clear why he rejects so many "romantic" gestures when one considers his underlying assumptions.  I really want to explore these issues more. Doing it within WNWM makes the most sense, but I don't see an obvious way to do it. If I can't make it work in WNWM I'll have to do a couple one-shot stories, one pre-WNWM and one post-WNWM. :)

 

*sighs contentedly at your analysis of the restraints!* Exactly...exactly. Thank you.

Hi Tiffany,

This chapter was very good and I believe it from a psychological vantage point. I wonder how much further you can go into Brian's head from here.

Author's Response:

Hi! 

I'm pleased that you found it believable! I assume you're joking about how much further in I can go! I think I'll end up on the other side of his head soon! ;) 

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!! 

 

Wow... this chapter was amazing..... it started out very upeat...with Brian and Justin happy and reassuring the good Doc.. that things were going well.. than BAM....  it got right to the heart of the matter why Brian takes drugs and drinks as much as he does..... to be able to express openly what he is always trying to hide ..... His True Self.....  because he was  afraid that if people (Justin) see him for what he really is.. they wouldn't want to be with him at all..... Now comes the hard part deciding if he is ready and willing to let everyone see "Him"... 

Author's Response:

Thank you! I think you have an excellent point about him hiding the rest of the time.  You've also given me a really good idea for a future chapter, but I don't want to say too much now! ;) But thank you! 

Also your thoughts about Brian feeling that no one would want him if he were more affectionate / open / etc. is exactly right, I think. :)

Wow I love this fic so much Brian and Justin working together on who the real Brian is under the built up persona. More importantly is Brian's willingness to listen and learn and trust. Brillant

Author's Response:

Thank you! That's a great point -- Brian has been a pretty willing participant. Hopefully not in too much of an OOC way at the beginning... and I think as it gets started, it's gotten perhaps not easier for him to listen and trust, but more  obviously necessary. Thanks again!! 

so if brian gives up his crutches, his drugs and drinking, the person who emerges will be the real brian kinney. the one that justin knew was there all along. the one he fell in love with. i hope brian is ready for that.

you are doing a fantastic job with this story.

Author's Response:

Exactly! *smiles!!* That's what I was hoping to get across -- that Justin saw his potential (or felt it intuitively, etc.) where no one else really did. I hope Brian's ready for that, too. To see himself in such a positive way will probably be difficult. 

Thank you so much for your support and thoughts!!! :)

Whew, ok, I just had to take a deep breath after that.

I think Dr. Stevenson has hit the core of the issue with both drugs and alcohol. I think that Brian really did start drinking to fit in somehow and the E is a way to feel all the things he's afraid of feeling when sober.

I hope Brian decides that he's ready, ready to be who he really is and not let anybody elses oppinion factor into how he chooses to live his life.

Wonderful chapter.

Author's Response:

I am really glad that it rang true for you how Brian's use of alcohol began and functioned. It flowed naturally while I was writing it, but I am always nervous adding back story (odd, since a lot of this is back story in a way!). 

I think Brian will decide he's ready but there may be a little existential angst between here and there! :)

Thanks as always for your thoughts!!:)

Bravo chapter! Love how they talked about the 3 way and the reason.

Author's Response:

Thank you! I hope the reason made sense! :)

Your progression of Brian is going so well. Also, I love the fact that there is conflict between Brian and Justin. So their relationship doesn't seem complacent or too perfect, you know? I really love your story, definetley something to read when I need to smile :) Especially since Justin called Brain 'Beautiful' in this chapter, yay!

Author's Response:

You're right -- I was happy when the fight scene flowed into the scene because it did seem more realistic, more natural. I love how much you love Brian's nickname! Thank goodness someone else enjoys it as much as I do.

Thanks as always for your support of the story! 

 

Reading this I feel like I’m listing to a man and woman talked and they both are in their teens or very early twenty which Justin is, When did Justin start walking on eggshell around brain, it’s  like now every little thing  get’s brain upset or anger at Justin it’s really is stupid the way he act some time and it; s stupid  how Justin had to always reassure brain that he love him and want to be there for him and with him that he’s a grow man who can think for himself. What they need to do is have a really good fight a man to man kick ass fight maybe than brain would see that Justin isn’t a pussy.

Author's Response:

That's interesting. I can honestly say I've never thought of it that way. Well, if you feel they are so out of character, I guess either you'd have to think of it as AU or just stop reading. It sounds to me that's pretty frustrating for you at this point. While you are entitled to any opinion or interpretation that you choose, I guess I just don't understand why you'd spend time to read a fic that you clearly disagree with so much. 

Thanks for your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing...   It is a good chapter.

Author's Response:

Hi! Thank you so much! I am excited that others enjoyed that chapter as much as I did. When the ideas started flowing together for it, it really excited me and I am glad you enjoyed it as well! Thanks so much for writing in!! :) :) :) 

Brillant chapter you really manage to get their voices and mix the love and angst beautifully.

Author's Response:

Thank you! It felt like it had been a little while since I'd been "angsty," though the next chapter has more of it. I really appreciate your calling the chapter loving as well -- I personally found the last scene very tender. Thanks so much for the always poetically - sweet reviews! :) :) 

"I trust you but I don’t trust the disease."

I like this sentence very much. That's what addiction is about.  And I like that dinner scene. The actions/reactions from each of them really reflect the internal struggles, especially the fear.

PS. Thanks for asking! I am still jobless but going to submit my first resume very soon. I think I am more at peace about the layoff now. I am going to take the time to rest up, get more exercise, and try to converage towards the job search battle mode. It's just harder to get there since the holiday season is coming and the job market is still pretty shitty.

Author's Response:

I think fear is exactly the right word. I think both of them are afraid at this point, and suddenly aware of things in a whole new way -- things that were previously done rather thoughtless. 

 

I know a couple of people (close friends) who have been struggling with this job market, too. I think it sounds like a great idea to try to make the best of it, make it productive, and just go one step at a time. I really hope it works out for the very best. :) 

Thanks so much for the thoguhts on the chapter!

Excellent!  The situation you presented here was perfect in demonstrating the mindfeilds I was talking about in my comment on the previous chapter.  Their first foray outside their safe zone and BAM!  Reality of the changes in their life hits them.  I can so relate to Justin in this.  My husband is an alcoholic, (over 20 years sober)  And I stopped drinking when he did.  Not that I ever drank much.  But it did make it easier on my husband, and our relationship if we both didn't drink.  Justin feels the same way, and Brian, understandably, feels Justin is giving up something because of him.  Justin needs to be honest about this with Brian.  For me, it didn't matter, like I said, I wasn't much of a drinker to begin with.  So it wasn't a big deal for me to stop.  Will it be for Justin?   These are the kinds of issues they will now have to deal with and you have them dealing with them in a very realistic way.

Love that they argued to.  I was waiting for that. lol.  Frustration goes hand in hand with changing old, bad habits.  It's natural that Brian would feel resentment towards Justin for 'watching' him. Justin is just scared for him, but Brian doesn't need the pressure.  

Great chapter. Love the direction you are going in. 

Author's Response:

Thank you so much. I am so just delighted that you like the story. When writing about Justin's worry watching Brian drink I was thinking of when I heard my dad order alcohol at a restaurant (he had quit drinking...). So...anyway, I just remember I think my heart stopped and my stomach fell through the floor. I don't think it was so much so for Justin, but it's the same gist I think.

it'll take a couple of chapters but hopefully they can get through these issues fairly comprehensively. I think it's going to be interesting to see how they decide to go "totally public" with all the changes and decisions going on between them. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support through the story development!

 

 

Hello! I'm back from my little vacation I spent with a very good friend at her home and she told me yesterday evening that there's an update of your story! *dance the happy dance* And I just finished reading it! It's amazing and soooo sweet! I really adore Brian + Justin because they a such a gorgeous couple! Any other couples should take them as an "idol" - it's not the perfect word I would like to use but I don't know the right one.

*just took a look at LEO, a translation-programm*

Okay, they said "ideal", "guide", "model" and some more words. Perhaps you'll know what I mean. Because Brian + Justin works so hard for their love, their friendship and their life. And that's so important! They earn this love!

And you wrote - and still write - a fantastic story that I really love! So thanks again for sharing! *hugs*

Author's Response:

Hi! :) I hope you had a nice, relaxing vacation!

I completely understand what you mean: that their relationship is like a model of how a relationship should work. Your words worked just fine, even without the translation! :) *smiles*  

I love your idea of how B/J earn their love. I think that's a really beautiful and perfect phrase to use.

I hope you'll love chapter 40 that I just posted!! :)

*hugs back!*

OK... I am confused... It seems as if Justin wants his cake and eat it too.. Brian is going through all these changes... trying to give up drinking and tricking... Why is Justin scared and want things back to "Normal" ???.. I thought he hated it when Brian did those things... No wonder Brian is afraid Justin won't stay with him now... If he liked him better before....

Author's Response:

Well -- I think it was more of  a moment that it just seemed like too much, and Justin wanted something familiar and comfortable. I don't think he actually wants everything to be as it was so much as he wanted to take a step back for a second and not feel like the earth was moving too fast under him. He wanted (and wants) the changes, but after so long of wanting, now they're all happening and fast. I think in part it's the pace that rattled him. 

I hope Chapter 40 will clarify this a little; I'm sorry I left it unclear for you here! :) Thanks for your comments! :)

Change can be scary. I sure I relate to that. And supporting each other through it, that's what make everything worths fighting for *sniffle*

Author's Response:

Exactly -- it wasn't that Justin didn't want the change...just that he sought some comfort in the familiar.... it takes a while to adjust to so many changes, especially because he was also worried that if Brian felt it was too much, the progress might be lost. 

 

I hope things are going well for you in the job hunt! :)

I totally understand the progression of Brian's feelings. When he told Justin of his jeolousy as they sat in The Chair, I turned to mush. Wonderfully written. Also, I must say, that sex scene...nice job. ;) I especially loved the little love bite Brian gave Justin. I can't wait until your next update.

Author's Response:

That scene turned me to mush, too. For some or other reason, the whole chapter was mushy to me -- right from Brian's whispered "Justin?" at the beginning.

Thanks too for the feedback on the sex scene; as usual, I couldn't tell at all how it turned out. The bite seemed natural, I'm glad it worked! 

 

Life's still a bit crazy but I wanted to stop by & say I LOVED this chapter - you still have an amazing talent at being able to bring the reader inside Brian's head as he's working through his own feelings...  and I don't think it's too sudden. This has always been something that has been in Brian & Justin's horizon but Brian wasn't ready mentally & emotionally until this point.

How are your students/classes going?

~Michelle

Author's Response:

Thank you!! I'm glad his feelings came through clearly -- this was one chapter where I wanted to make things as clear as possible. Work is... *sighs* unfortunately not really better. Some days are slightly better, others slightly worse. But I'm learning a lot... Thanks for checking in on me! :)

 

I hope things are going well for you! :) 

I don't think it was too sudden, I think it was just right. It was that final push Brian needed to realize why people would want monogamy.

I'm glad dr. Stevenson told him that E is in the same category as alcohol for Brian, that it's a crutch for not feeling, or feeling a specific way, I think that was news to him.

I really liked this chapter, the emotions in it was wonderful and I’m glad Brian figured it out, with a little help J

Author's Response:

I think you're right -- the surprise for Brian was that he was going to have to deal with emotion yet again (his favorite thing! lol!). I really appreciate your feedback and support of the story and its development! :)

I think it is very realistic-  Brian is getting in touch with his emotions-  he's always had them but never acknowledged them-  this is a journey that he is taking and Justin is helping him take it-  supporting him along with dr. Stephenson.  the sex is good and believable-  can't wait for more

 

sfscarlet

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback and support! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. I may have the next chapter Saturday (a guess only).  :)

I really liked this chapter. Brian and Justin are at a really good place now and I think it was a good decision to just be with each other, it will make them even closer.

Author's Response:

I think you're right -- it will bring them closer. I'm so happy that you enjoyed the chapter; I was really hoping that everyone would! :)

THAT’s  IT, That’s always been it…….That was very good I must say,  I just wish that people would stop believing that Justin dose not know what the hell he doing when concerning Brian, on a lot of level, shit is it always o.k. for Brain to act like a bitch to Justin fuck LET NOT  forget he was a grown man when he meet a teenage Justin and by today standard Brain would be on CNN, Headline news, in jail.

But really no matter  what  Justin ever said about  not changing him (Brian) he always hope even when time were bad and they really were it was a sick  relationship one that Brain created big time and yes Justin play a part in it but still that it would only be just them two (now who’s the strong one here). It’s really sad that it took so long and something so personal to make a big impact let’s hope it last.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I definitely think it will last; it was just that last piece of the puzzle that finally had to "click" for him. :) Now it's all cemented in place! :)

Hey Tiffany, excelent chapter!  I know you took somewhat of a beating last chapter, (and yes, I know I was the one who threw the first punch) but I am glad it didn't deter you from your vision in this story. This chapter dealt with many of the issues I had with Brian's actions in the last chapter, and dealt with them in a very realistic, productive way.

In the last chapter, I did not like Brian. And it did not sit well with me that he was just substituting one drug for another. In this chapter, the Doc makes that clear to Brian.  Pointing out the contradiction of going all day wihtout alcohol, yet takeing E.  Now Brian is thinking about the 'reasons' behind his getting high, instead of just focusing on one drug or another.  That's a big step forward.  It's not about alcohol, drugs or sex, but what is driving him to do those things? I especially like Brian's thoughts, confused thoughts, on why he does E in this chapter. He really doesn't know, and that's VERY believable.

Also he is starting for the first time to understand what love is.   He knows he loves Justin by  the definition he's been given on what Love is. He wants to be with him, he cares for him, he'd do anything for him.  So, under those definition, he concludes he loves Justin.  But what happened with the trick, what he felt, is the first time I think he 'paid' attention to what was going on inside of him.  Jealousy is foreign to him.  He loves sex, and loves when he and Justin fuck other people together.  He never gave it much thought until...(and it always just takes one action, one straw of the proverbial camels back, doesn't it?) Justin made that 'special' noise.  He probably never consciously connected that noise to being 'his' before and it hurt him.  Hence his description, his knees felt wobbly, his chest was tight, his heart was pounding...'  It was what Oprah likes to call, "A ligthbulb moment"   All of a sudden a lightbulb came on in his head.  And he didn't like what he saw when it did.  The action was the same, like the doc said, but the response this time was different because he viewed the action differently for the first time.  All because he heard 'the noise'.   And that's why he acted like a total prick to that trick.  (Which I'm still pissed at him for!  lol)  But I don't think he'll be throwing any more tricks out in the future. I don't think there will be any more tricks. And no, I don't think it's too sudden. That's how things happen sometimes. Just .... like .... that.  That's how I quit smoking after 20 years of being a heavy smoker.  Just like that, one day, I said no more.  I feel Brian is doing the same here.

Great chapter.  A lot of progress. I would like to see more progress on Justin's part. There is still the question the Doc asked, "Why did Justin suggest they bring the trick home to begin with"?   In my opinion, it's because Brian has conditioned Justin to believe things about him, that simply don't apply anymore.   Justin needs to address this.  Like I said in my last review, people change in recovery. What worked for them before, doens't work anymore.  Justin needs to learn how to deal with this new Brian.   I think he needs his own therapist (spin off?) or at least some couple therapy with the Doc.

 

 

Author's Response:

Hi, 

I'm so happy and relieved that you liked this chapter and that it helped to clarify / resolve some of the issues brought up previously. I really never expected the general reaction to Chapter 37. You see, I'd planned it out very far in advance: the threesome and where it would lead B/J. In fact, in my mind it was sort of guidepost chapter. I guess it was so ingrained in my vision of the story (as you so aptly put it), that I never stopped to think how it would look to those who only had "half" the story (i.e., the Chapter 37 half). 

However, I'm glad for how it turned out because I'm thinking a lot more about the Justin side of things -- more than I would have otherwise. I realize now that I'll have to do more explaining than I originally realized, which is good. Thank you so much for drawing my attention to these issues; I sometimes get way too lost in BrianLand! 

Your thoughts about Brian's state of mind are exactly, exactly, exactly what I was aiming for! :)

As for Justin needing his own therapist -- you're probably right... 

As for a spin-off: I like the idea, but I don't think I could write it. Maybe someone else could (hint, hint!). I'm not trying to be coy, either -- I honestly don't think I understand Justin's character enough to write for him like I do for Brian in this fic. I love Justin, but I don't... I don't empathize enough with him to really write for him in the same way. I wish I could. 

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and thought-provoking comments! They always better the story and broaden my horizons! :)

 

 

You went into a very bold direction with this chapter. Justin made a sound Brian felt only belonged to him and he freaked out throwing the trick on his ass. The complexity of the evolving Brian grows strongly here to confusion. I'm sure many readers took issue with your writing of this chapter. Brian replaces drinking with E is no recovery. Brian accepting a trick when he really knows Justin doesn't want one had to leave a bad taste in some reader's mouth. Brian's rudeness was arguably in or OOC. Justin's submisson to a three way when he was seeking a way to make Brian happy without booze was possibly the worse choice he could have made with the circumstances. For the first time to wrote Brian as a character we don't like. Interesting...

For 36 chapters you stacked a deck of emotional cards building up Brian Kinney and in one chapter with an odd failure of a three way you blew those fucking cards all over room. You've opened such a can of worms with this chapter; I can't wait to see were you go from here.

My gut feeling is your intentionally opened a new gapping wound in Brian's mind and you have the writing skill to stitch him up again. Fuck! What a damn chapter! I give it a 12+ if I could just for the shock it caused me.

If Brian intends now to possess Jusitn totally and is growing ready for commitment; this chapter makes sense. Brian needs to realize only Justin's love can make him happy. Throwing out the trick is one way of saying to himself "enough is enough" and they are headed to a better place as a couple and he can quit E after gaining a hold on his drinking. E isn't addictive.

I look forward to your next update and I'm glad I took the time to read your story today. What an emotional ride this has been. You're a gifted writer. With better grammar you'll be exceptional. At times it was a difficult read without paragraphs and so many separate sentences of the same train of thought.

Don't fret about answering all my reviews; just answer one would be fine. Thank you for a great read.

Author's Response:

This chapter was in my mind since at least.... *thinks back*....at least Chapter 25 if not before. I think it's funny -- I thought I was being too obvious when I had Brian throw the trick out. I figured people would be annoyed that I ended the chapter when "the big moment" of monogamy was right around the corner! I guess that goes to show the advantage I have of knowing how the rest of the story goes! 

The aspect with Justin is one I will have to go into more than I originally planned. I think there were a few reasons for Justin's behavior, and Brian's reaction (well, I think Brian's reaction is simpler, but I digress). We'll see how it plays out in Chapter 39. 

I'm playing around with whether it is absolutely, unequivocally necessary for them to quit E altogether. I know it probably sounds crazy to most people, but since it really isn't proven to be addictive, and is *relatively* safe (compared to most other options), I wonder if Brian really would totally stop it. I can see him quitting the alcohol, but would he stop E altogether? Or, once the issues are addressed, would he reserve the option of the occasional hit with Justin? That's what's been on my mind... 

Your compliments and thoughts mean a great deal to me and I appreciate your taking the time to leave them! 

 

These chapters without the spaces and with paragraphs are fabulous! This was a great chapter; bondage to deal with anger is a true method of BDSM training for a slave. Did you know that or guessed it?

Author's Response:

Did I know or did I guess? Well, a little of both. I didn't know specifically; however, the background knowledge I do have on D/s relationships, coupled with some ideas I have about psychology sort of coalesced into the Restrained chapter. The central thought was that being physically restrained would allow for emotional release, and the aspect of safety from one's own emotional state, which I think is key... and which I've seen displayed in multiple case histories over the years. :)

I getting ideas for my story reading yours; I'm not above stealing brillance.

Author's Response:

You're too kind -- and go right ahead and steal away. :)

It always amazes me when girls write our boys using condoms to protect for HIV and let them eat semen which is the worse thing gay boys can do to expose themselves to the virus. Swallowing is the 100% way to get the virus and is as dangerous as swallowing the blood of a HIV+ partner. Anal sex is about 5%-50% chance doing it raw depending on the viral load of the positve top. But they call this fiction for a reason.

Justin gave Brian his room with enough limits to make Brian think before he tricks. It's a beginning for them toward a better relationship. Brian's leaning toward only being with Justin and just can't commit yet IMO.

Author's Response:

You know, that's a really good point. I didn't think about that as much as I should have. I guess I just took my cue from the show, where it seemed like it wasn't discussed as much as the condom issue. That was pretty irresponsible and stupid of me. In future fics, I'll be more careful about that; thanks for the info!

The limits are really key; in my mind, they have a lot of functions and serve a deep purpose for Brian.

Again I admire your analysis of canon. Very insightful.

Author's Response:

Thank you!!! :) :) :)

Since Justin rarely cired in canon I find that part of your story stretching but yet you present it so well. The time Brian had cancer, the second night Justin saw Brian in the beginning rejected besides Daphane's car, and attacking his mom for stopping Brian from seeing him; those are the only times in five years I remember Justin crying. I must say your analysis of canon is amazing and the depth of your plot genius.

Author's Response:

You're right about the tears. I sometimes think I'm overdoing it, but I don't know what else to type to convey what I want to convey. If it were on tape, I think Gale and Randy could play it beautifully without tears and we'd all "get" what they were going through. But on paper...I just don't know how to make it work, so I just go with whatever flows through the fingers. :) 

Thanks so much for the kind words and support!! 

Words fail me.....excellent read.

It's ok to let Michael off the hook. Fun read.

Author's Response:

Good -- I just didn't want to lose the focus of the fic and dissolve into a Mikey-focus!

I have to read on to see where this is going now.

Author's Response:

This chapter brings up a topic that I'll be bringing up in future chapters that's been "in the works" for a long time. Well, it's been in my mind, not on paper, but still!

To my knowledge of canon Brian's sucidial attempt was a day or days before the prom. I've watched the DVDs like a dozen times too. Michael's party was at night so it would conflict with the prom night. This was a great chapter anyway.

Author's Response:

You're probably right; I was relying mostly on how I'd been thinking of it, not going back enough to the tapes. It's fortunate that it didn't ruin the chapter.

You quote songs I heard at the age of 14-16 when they were new! Are you as old as I am? hehehehe This was a fun chapter.

Author's Response:

Finally! Finally someone mentions the lyrics!! It only took a couple months! *calms down* I was beginning to wonder if anyone ever read them -- not that it really angers me, but I personally enjoy them...

I had a little theory that people would comment on the lyrics of songs they liked best; so either I'm totally wrong or everyone else hates all the lyrics I quote (which would be a pretty wide range). 

It was a fun chapter to write, too. :)

Don't ever doubt your writing.

Author's Response:

*smiles* I'll try not to!

Don't doubt your plot which is excellent. Justin's perfect as you write him. My only regret's not starting your story sooner. Conjunctions would make the reading better but that's a minor thing in technique. The plot's fabulous!

Author's Response:

I'm glad the plot is strong, because sometimes it just seems endless to me!! :) Thank you for your thoughts! 

Nobody can handle Brian like Justin can.

Author's Response: Very true!

That was hot. I can see Brian letting Justin do that with him.

Author's Response:

A great compliment! :) I wondered whether it would be believable to anyone but me; I'm glad it was (or if not believable, still enjoyable!). 

The psychological growth of the plot is most interesting. I see perhaps your story is based on Brian's mental state and how he/they deal with it. I've read other stories with this type of plot but by far your is the best I've seen.

Author's Response:

That's such a wonderful compliment! I found myself using background knowledge of psychology far more than I ever thought I would while writing the story (at times, quite explicitly in Author Notes!). 

 

Everyone was very much in character. Good chapter with Brian's attitude after not being with Justin. The strange bad night does set up the mental problem for Brian.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad the other characters came through well; I think sometimes they won't since I'm so Brian-focused. :)

Objectively I can see you breaking up the sentences for effect, delay and impact. No disrespect to your story but I usually don't care for Justin stuck in New York stories; I felt Cowlip blew it sending him away at the end of the show. The wedding would have been the perfect ending to the series. IMO.

I do like your writing style.

Author's Response:

It's sort of funny -- I write much more nonfiction than fiction, and my writing style changes so drastically for each. It makes me wonder what on earth influences my fiction writing, since I never read fiction (except occasional fanfics) and always read nonfiction in RL!

 

I'm glad something comes through with it; it's very much unplanned. I don't re-read (though later when I do, days after posting, I sometimes wish I would have), and usually type straight through the chapter.

I wanted to take a break from writing Forever Yours and decided to start your story. Brian wasn't too sappy considering he was with Gus and was determined not to be like Jack. Debbie was in character but perhaps a bit too teary eyed. Gus was brilliantly shown. Anytime Brian's reminded of Jack would upset him so it's believable for Gus's question to have that effect. And on the other hand Brian was always good a hiding his emotions so that part of being in character wasn't in this chapter. But with fanfiction we can play with the characters and make them do what we like to entertain the readers so on that effort you get an A+.

You have a terrific writing style full of emotion and flow. The characters come alive with your choice of wording and I can picture the scene you describe. This stoy's off to an excellent start.

Author's Response:

I totally agree about the teary-ness in this chapter and others. I'd stop it if I could; however, as I'm writing I often feel like I have little control of the story. I delete things that "wrote themselves," and then find I can't replace it with anything. I've tried with the tears -- to delete them -- but the chapter never is what I want it to be without that. It probably wouldn't have been as such if it were TV; of course, on TV we can also see facial expression, which would help a lot in conveying the same thing. 

I'm delighted that you like Gus and the characters. This chapter is one of my favorites and it thrills me that Brian's reaction is believable, since the whole story hinges upon that. 

Thanks for your thoughts!

Hey sfscarlet, to answer your question what Brian was thinking, to quote Melanie, "he was thinking about the only dick that matters, his own." LOL

I really enjoyed this chapter. Maybe they should not trick for awhile and see how they go.

As for the commentor that said Brian has changed so much why would Justin still love him and that most or a lot of relationships wouldn't make it, I think that's really just oppinion. Every relationship is different. I doubt Justin is only in love with Brian's drinking and drugging and nothing else, so therefore he will still be in love with him if he no longer does that. Even if you put the addiction aside, couples that are together for a long time will change over time as they grow older and situations happen etc, but many people last because they grow together and learn to love the new parts of their partner etc. I think your doing an amazing job and I very much like where your taking Brian and Justin. I think it is in-character because your showing Brian growing as a person. Nobody stays the same forever and it's unrealistic to think Brian has to stay the same forever.

Author's Response:

:)

The issue of how they change and grow together is an interesting one. I personally think that it won't threaten their relationship because it basically it is an expansion / deepening of what they probably shared when alone together -- in brief, intimate moments. Now it's closer, deeper, more often, more mutual. Of course, some changes will be necessary (and probably won't be easy), but I think the core remains the same. 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts!! :) You were quite right about the tricking! ;)

 

I am glad that Brian is really making an attempt to stop drinking..... Although I think they need to revise the rules a little.... Brian and Justin are only supposed to trick when the other is around...but... If Brian doesn't like to see or hear Justin's reaction to anyone else... how are they going to follow that rule??? 

Author's Response:

You're quite right, as I'm sure you've seen in Chapter 38. I had this chapter planned from several chapters before they made the "new rules," in the back of my mind knowing what I wanted that would "break" Brian into monogamy. I guess it was surprising to everyone else, but I saw it a mile off! (of course, I better, right?! ;)) .

 

Thanks!! :)

In response to Rach:  You're right that in the show Brian often is seen getting 'off' in the backroom of Babylon then dumping the trick without getting him off.    Which is in total contrast to his image of 'Stud", don't you think?  I mean on one hand, you have Ben telling Michael how Brian went above and beyond to get Ben off after he got off.  To me, that was more in character with the Brian they 'wanted' us to see.  How did he get his rep for being the best fuck if men weren't getting off? It never rang true in the show for me, and it didn't ring true here.   Brian's legendary status was for being the best fuck, going all night, etc.  Giving guys mind blowing orgasms.   And I don't think he ever kicked a trick out of his lof in the show after getting off.  He kicked them out before sex started, or before either got off, but never after only he got off.  

In this chapter, Brian is portrayed as a selfish, immature prick.  And I don't like him. But I can understand his confusion, and behavior. A lot is going on with him internally.  coping with past child abuse, his present addiction to drugs and alcohol, and his feelings for Justin. And, imo, he's acting out and not in a good way.  He's very much ooc these days.   I wonder, when the old Brian is gone, replaced with the new and improved, will Justin still love him?  If this is a realistic portrayal of people who go through heavy addiction and recovery, then it should be noted that many relationships don't  make it through such changes.   Justin and Brian's relationship will suffer (or should) because of the transition Brian is going through.  All that defined him before, sex, drugs, power, etc., is being chipped away. Then, who is he???  Who will he be? And how will Justin view that person?  Lets not forget a lot of Brian's character traits stemmed from his need for absolute control.  It's what attracts people to him. His self assuranc, true a manufactured self cockiness, but still, people are drawn to that. As was Justin.  I'm wondering how Justin will feel when Brian is no longer 'in' control.  When he has to fight, day by day, for control to simply not take a drink, or do drugs, or fuck someone else.  When he slips, (95% of all people in recovery have mulitple relapses)  When Justin realizes that Brian's recovery is a life long process, and he now has to live with the disease.  

Anyway, just some deep thoughts on my part.  I do love the story, but I forget it's just fantasy at times. My bad,  True addiction and relationship to do not play out like this.

Author's Response:

I've been thinking about the idea of how Justin will respond to the "new" Brian. It's interesting to consider, because on the one hand, it's a big change. There will have to be adjustments made. I don't think it will be dramatic enough to threaten their relationship though; I prefer to think that Justin sees more of the "softer side of Brian" in private moments even through the show. It's more of a matter of depth and consistency of this type of interaction. Of course, as I said, changes will happen, but I'm hoping that the core has been there in some form, and is just transformed in part now.

 

Thanks for your thoughts! They are invaluable to me and the story. :)

I'm proud of Brian for taking control of his drinking. I'm proud of Justin for being such a good partner. And I'm proud of you for writing this beautiful, emotional story. And this one was also HOT. I think Brian wasn't out of character with kicking out the trick.

Author's Response:

Awww, you are too sweet! I am happy that this chapter was enjoyed by some and that his efforts toward understanding his alcoholism weren't lost with the rest of the chapter! Thanks so much for your thoughts (and I'm glad you liked the threesome, too. ;).  :)

i'm glad brian's taking control or trying to take control of his drinking.

the sex was so hot, but i do feel sorry for the trick. so close yet so far away. brian doesn't share his toys well. good for him.

Author's Response:

Glad the scene was hot! :)  I feel a tiny bit sorry for Auburn Hair, but you know, it was still an experience to remember. ;) 

Thanks as always for the support! 

Ok, first let me say that the sex was SOOOO fucking hot! Having said that, I'm sorry, but I have a lot of issues with this chapter.  Taking E?  What is the difference between alcohol and E?  They are both drugs.  I can't see any improvement there other then they only got a 'little' high.  Like only 'smoking' a little.  It just didn't sit well with me.  I'm not sure where Brian is going with his recovery.  You can't just 'wean' off of alcohol and drugs. Either you make a commitment to stop, or you don't.  I can understand his decision not  to drink at work.  fine. Is he deciding now not to drink when he goes out?  And if that's the case, isn't taking E defeating the intent of him wanting to stop? What exactly is he stopping? I'm not getting it sorry.  One drug traded for another. 

And kicking the trick out? Without so much as a reach around? So fucking unfair.  Whatever Brian's issue, that was a selfish prick thing to do. That trick served them well and got nothing for his efforts. It made Brian look petty to me.  If he got jealous, he should have quickly got the trick off then threw him out.  Then go in the chair and discuss it what happened with Justin. What he did was very ooc, and not in a good way.

Sorry hon, I love this story, you know that, but this chapter just felt very off to me.  Not liking Brian at all right now.  I hope you fix this, though I don't know how.  When writing other characters, it's important to give them a personality, even if it's just a glimpse.  If you expected me not to 'feel' anything for the trick, you could have written him unlikeable, but you didn't. He was very likeable.  He was very accomindating. And he was treated like shit.   Like I said, imo, you displayed Brian in a very poor light in this chapter.  

Author's Response:

I think you have a lot of good points. I think the drug / alcohol issue is one that is unclear to Brian at this point, and that's why I made it that way for the chapter. I think he's trying to get things worked out, but it's not a smooth path and not instant recovery or understanding of the issue. He's trying to deal with the issue as he sees it, and he hasn't given really any thought to drug use at all. The way I imagined it, he was focused on trying to imagine his life without alcohol -- almost preparing himself to not drink. He's not pushing himself farther than that, yet. 

Furthermore, in my view, Brian quitting everything cold turkey at the suggestion that he could soon become an alcoholic isn't totally in character either, and isn't terribly realistic. I don't want it to seem like an easy thing -- just quit when you realize it's dangerous! -- when it isn't. It's something that people struggle with through a lifetime, and I don't want to minimize that, either. No one is perfect, and a story isn't that interesting if characters glide through or have no flaws. Besides, he hasn't made a commitment to stop -- yet. He's trying to decide if he can, in the same way he won't commit to Justin until he knows it's forever.

 

Though I love Brian, there were times when I felt he was unfair even in the show -- or at least inconsiderate and flawed.

Now, as for the trick. I did consider having Brian get him off; I sort of had an ending in my head that went that way. But when I wrote it, it didn't have the effect that I wanted. What I wanted was something big, an out-of-character type of response because I wanted to show what I feel is a big change in Brian -- that he realizes in a "real" (not theoretical, not "I promise someday") way that he wants Justin to himself. He finally really "gets" that in a deeply visceral way, in the physical way that he communicates in. His mind was there before, and his heart was in a way. But I guess what I was aiming for was a reaction that would show the depth of his feeling -- that it would be striking to him in a way that would cause a more extreme reaction. 

 

In doing so, I realize I didn't put Brian in the best light, but again I was trying to demonstrate something about the depth of his feeling that I didn't think I could capture with just a description. 

Maybe there was another way to do it, but to me, this hit at several of his biggest "issues" as a character -- monogamy and his physical way of relating to things and people, as well as pushing the idea of the new rules farther. 

I'm glad, though surprised, that the trick was likable -- I wasn't aiming for that so much as anonymity. I guess I saw him more as a sort of catalyst than a character, though perhaps I didn't make that clear either.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for your thoughts. I'm sorry you disliked the chapter and the choices made within it. I do see your points, and I hope that you can see my reasons for the choices made at least. 

They'll be discussing these issues extensively in the next chapter. I hope you'll keep reading.

That was a very emotional chapter.

I'm glad that Brian finally understood that Justin was worried that he'd hurt him and therefore could answer to assure him he didn't.

Poor Dr. Stevenson should really learn not to drink anything during his sessions with Brian *sniggers*

I'm a little worried about Brian's alcohol usage too; if he's able to not drink when he wants to, he's not alcoholic, but I think Dr. Stevenson is right; he could be on the path to that.

I wouldn't worry about the flow; the chapter was wonderful as usual :)

I love this fic you really explore what demons drive Brian. It is so well crafted I hang for every chapter thank you so much for the effort X Chris

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you're still following and enjoying the story!! Thanks so much for reading! I think Brian's character is so layered and gives so much to analysis (obviously it does to me!). I'm happy you're enjoying the ride and hope you'll continue to! 

 

This was a welcoming surprise to see you posting an update. I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to respond to a tax department notice for penalty. Yeah, THAT and on top of still being unemployed. Life just can't get any better...

He He. I thought Dr Stevenson would have learned by now to not drink anything during Brian's session. Brian was kind of cute looking so embarrased.

Great that you brought up the alcoholism vs. abuse. I always thought what Brian was doing in the TV series was really dangerous.

Author's Response:

Oooh, that sucks!  I hope you can get it all worked out for the best, and quickly!

I know. Poor Dr. Stevenson is a little slow sometimes! Actually, I think he wants to believe he can't be shocked anymore; that he's immune to it... :)

Your point about his risky behavior is a good one; I think that topic as a whole will probably have to be addressed more in the story.

Thanks so much for the review and I hope you'll like the next chapter -- it wrote itself so quick!:)

I can't remember if I reviewd last chapter... it's been a stressful few weeks. The husband of a dear friend of mine passed away last weekend after a battle with brain cancer. The funeral was this week and work was unbelievably stressful (more than normal)... I've never been so happy for Friday afternoon to come!

This chapter was fantastic. Poor Dr. Stevenson - he needs to learn how NOT to be surprised by Brian & Justin's antics ;-)  And Brian better NOT be thinking of sending/pushing Justin away again...

 

Oh, and it may be my sleep addled brain but I think I caught a spellcheck typo:

I haven’t seen this idealization from Brian. But I saw the denial of severity. The passing over, the mineralization of what happened to him.

Was that supposed to be minimization?

Later,

~Michelle

awesome chapter-  I love how Justin is really helping Brian through all this.  Brian is finally accepting that his parents weren't really there and he's dealing with these emotions- wonderful

Author's Response:

Thank you! I think Justin feels really fulfilled by being able to help Brian this way -- I hope I can make that part come through in upcoming chapters. Thanks so much for writing in and I'm sorry that the reply took so long!

I love this story so much, thank you so much for writing

* big hug *

Author's Response:

Thank you for reading! I'm sorry I didn't see this review earlier! 

*hugs back!*

I can only imagine them not being able to keep their hands off each other after being apart for a few days. You did have Brian push Justin on the chaise and later he turns him over and his on the bed, just thought you might want to change that ;)

It was a smart move on Justin's part to give Brian a safe outlet for his anger and to restrain him so he couldn't lash out physically, like I'm sure he (Brian) was afraid he'd do.

It's a good thing he got to rant and get it all out, that way he can move on from it.

Great chapter, as usual.

Author's Response:

Thanks, I'll be going back to fix that! :) 

 

I think you're right -- Brian was really afraid of what would happen if / when he lost control.  He didn't feel safe to do it anywhere, and didn't even know what he would do. Justin eased those fears and showed Brian that his anger was manageable, and therefore safe to express.

I'm very glad that you continue to enjoy the story! :)

I think you did an awesome job of helping Brian get some of his anger out. I really hope to see Justin in therapy more with Brian. Just a thought but I totally trust you to make this story even more great. Keep up the good work you have my support.

Author's Response:

I think you're right; I think Justin will be there for the next session (chapter 36) and possibly the one after. It is really interesting to add him to the dynamic of the session. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support! I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter with Justin and the doc! :)

 

Can't help myself - I'm crying again!

*smiles + clears my throat*

This chapter is amazing and sad and in the end so breathtaking! I understand Brian so well and I hope he's feeling better now. In my own life it was my father who... no, he really didn't ignore me! But my parents weren't interesting in my life! Whatever I did - what they did was better! I met this famous football-player at my birthday (!!!), called my parents (they were at home and I - together with a friend in Stuttgart) and my father told me they bought asparagus that morning! He didn't even wish me a Happy birthday!! So I ended the call and burst into tears, crawling down in the phone box until my friend hurried up to me to calm me now.

*takes a deep breath*

That's a little chapter of my own story. And perhaps you'll understand me when I told that I unterstand Brian so well... It's a shame what parents do to their children! They don't need money or an own TV or something like that! They need their love and understanding! Because that's the most important things - to know that your parents are there for you, to lead you and to help you, whatever comes! You're the child. And you need to be loved! Even a Brian Kinney needs love...

*sighs again*

So much philosophical things on a sunday morning... But sometimes you have to do what you want to do! And believe me, Tiffany: I am feeling much better now! So thanks again for your story and for meeting you! *hugs*

Author's Response:

Awww, Kitty! *hugs*! I'm so sorry to hear that. That would be so frustrating and so...demeaning, to have all of your interests and actions be treated like that. I hope you have lots of people in your life now who can do the opposite of that, and who want to be happy and excited with you!

It does make sense that you understand Brian. It's true -- what a child needs is fairly simple, it's not something that has to be bought or anything, but it's so, so important. 

Thank you so much for sharing! What you are going through must be so difficult, but just remember that you deserve to have better, to have the best! 

It really is an honor to have readers like you, who are triumphing the way that Brian is, and who have so much courage. Thank you.

 

Thank you so very much ! Another wonderful chapter full of torment and redemption. And HOT as all get out too.  Brian is so very terrified of his own anger. He's buried it for years under layers of sarchasm and his edict of not believing in love. I think that his fear of being unlovable was surpassed by his fear of what he could do if he was loved and he anger came out against that person.

Justin's "therapy" was risky, but I see the benefit of allowing Brian to rage without fear of injurying himself or anyone else. Brian's anger isn't gone, but now maybe he can find a healthy way to let it out and realize it's a natural part of living.

And BTW did I say that I really liked t he HOT parts of this story as well? Justin calling Brian Beautiful gave me goose bumps.

Author's Response:

I really like your characterization of Brian as terrified of anger, and I think you have an interesting idea about the root of Brian's fear of relationships. I'll have to think about that at consult Dr. Stevenson! :) I think you're totally right about Brian being afraid to show his anger to anyone, for fear that he would hurt them or scare them into leaving him. I think your goal -- realizing that anger is just a part of life -- is an excellent one for Brian. 

 

It was a risk... I sort of felt like I was taking a risk even in writing it! *grin*.

 

*smiles broadly* I'm glad the scenes were hot. I thought they were a little moreso than my usual, but then, I don't usually like them at all. :)

Another fantastic installment! You do such an incredible job of illustrating the emotional rollercoaster that Brian is going through as he simultaneously deals with the hurt and anger with his past plus the security and happiness of his relationship & future with Justin.  The phone call between Justin & Brian (well, both of them actually) I found especially moving- I could almost literally feel the tension and eventual comfort as the call went on.

My roomate Carolyn just started teaching high school Biology this year and is facing similar challenges with her IAP kids. Both my parents and 2 of my aunts were also teachers so I can totally empathize! I almost went into Elementary ED as my major but wisely realized *before* I graduated that I would not be well suited (emotionally) to the task; I really need a job I can leave at work - I take home too much stress as it is nevermind lesson plans, etc. But I did teach 1st grade Sunday School for 3 years, does that count?  :)

I hope you can find some sort of balance and good strategies for handling the demands and stresses of this year. Lord knows I need to do the same thing with my job right now - if only my Director realized that while saying the words "Inventory Optimization" takes only mere seconds to utter, the actual process of revamping 50+ units will take quite a bit longer. Especially since that's only one of four major projects he wants done in addition to my regular, day-to-day stuff (which takes at least 4 hrs a day) and not even mentioning all the little things that pop up in between needing immediate/urgent attention... but hey, it's job security right? ;-)

So relax. You chapters are always worth the wait - and as much as we hate to admit it, real life issues come before BJ issues. :)

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I'm excited to hear your feedback about the phone calls. It's very hard for me to tell how they play out for readers because I can't describe much physical interaction and have to rely so much on just the dialog, so I'm thrilled that it worked despite that limitation. 

I think you have a great insight about being emotionally suited to the job. Sometimes I don't think I am; see, I'm very emotional, but not expressive of it (except in writing!). But I've found that the key to my job (sad, perhaps, but true) is just to forget everything that happened immediately. It's amazing how often someone asks how the day was and I can't remember anything. 

Balance is awfully tricky. It sounds like a good goal for both of us -- otherwise it sounds like they'll swallow you whole!

Thanks so much for your support! :)