Story Summary: Brian tries to deal with issues of his past and how they are affecting his life now.
***Open Letter to Readers Posted!*
Spoilers: A chapter(s) reference to when Justin le** him for Ethan and other events throughout the series.
Out-of-Canon/What-If: In this story, Brian's father knew Brian was gay when Brian was in high school (if not before). In later chapters, I may need him to be alive to have a confrontation with Brian, so for now I'll say he is not explicitly dead.
Categories: QAF-U.S. FICTION
, FEATURED STORY
, BEST FAN FICTION CLASSIC
, Child Abuse
, Real Life Issues
, What If
, Thoughts of Suicide Characters:
July 31, 2009 Updated:
February 20, 2010
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Brian will be going through a lot in these chapters, recalling past abuse and the like.
This story is set about a year post 513. Justin is in New York, he and Brian visit each other twice a month.
1. Sunday Breakfast With Gus by indigo556 [Reviews - 27] (2996 words)
Brian's just at the diner with Gus and Debbie. I made it a little sweet, exactly as I'd like to think Brian could be, alone with Gus. Unguarded, sweet and a little silly.
Gus says something that really makes Brian think, and Deb and Brian have a little chat about Brian's parenting skills...
2. Diners Past, Passengers Present by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (1878 words)
For this chapter, Brian is on the plane to New York. He has a flashback/nightmare on the trip.
Please note that this chapter is a lot different than the first one.
**Memories of abuse, including abusive language.**
3. Believe by indigo556 [Reviews - 12] (4073 words)
***THIS CHAPTER IS NC-18***.
Brian goes to Justin's art show; they discuss some issues/feelings and Justin finds the psychologist's business card.
Alternates perspectives from Brian/Justin. I hope it's clear how it happens.
4. Inside Pockets by indigo556 [Reviews - 20] (2375 words)
* This is where the story becomes more hurt/comfort. Rated R for this chapter.
This chapter has Justin finding the psychologist's business card in Brian's pocket... The beginnings of angst and an insightful, supportive Justin.
5. The Best Laid Plans by indigo556 [Reviews - 9] (1847 words)
This chapter sets up the next week or so for Brian. I'm trying to speed up the timeline a little to get to key moments that will build into Brian admitting that he needs to see the psychologist.
It starts on the Monday morning that he comes back from his weekend with Justin. Emmett, Gus, Lindsey, Mel, and Mikey make phone appearances.
This chapter is rated R I guess...
6. Bearing Gifts by indigo556 [Reviews - 11] (3962 words)
Brian goes to Hunter's "Celebration Party," being held at Debbie's. While there, he suffers a flashback.
**Memories of childhood abuse**
**NC-18 Rating for phone sex**
7. Standards of Manhood by indigo556 [Reviews - 8] (4351 words)
Brian goes to dinner with Lindsey, Mel, Gus and JR. Mel prods him a little about his past and his night terrors begin to change. He tries to tell Justin about it...
**Abusive language* ** Memories of abuse**R rating ***
8. Bubble Gum Flavor by indigo556 [Reviews - 8] (3120 words)
Brian meets with Emmett to discuss the Glamour Gala. Emmett encourages Brian to dress up for the event and otherwise explore himself. Brian has a flashback that leaves him on the edge.
**Please note that this chapter contains memories of abuse and, to a small degree, issues of gender/identity. **
I would be especially grateful for feedback on how you feel about this chapter and how I dealt with these things. I want to be sure that I dealt sensitively with the issues and yet stayed in character and pushed Brian a little. :) Or I mean, Emmett did! :)
9. Magic Show by indigo556 [Reviews - 12] (2518 words)
Justin finds out about Brian's problems and heads to New York City... Will Brian be brave enough to tell him himself? What is Brian doing in the meantime? :)
10. About Me by indigo556 [Reviews - 18] (3362 words)
Justin arrives in Pittsburgh (!!). His first order of business is to find out what's been going on and try to relax Brian...
Okay, this is QAF, B/J, so obviously that means this chapter is NC-18!!!
And possibly slighly OOC for Brian. Hopefully not much...
11. You Better Know by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (2367 words)
Justin confronts Brian about something his parents told him; Brian has his first breakdown.
***The angsty-ist so far. ***
**Please note that this chapter takes place on the same day as "About Me." I'm assuming that Justin's treatment put him out like a light for about 7-8 hours. This chapter starts at about that time, mid-afternoon. *
No offence meant to religion or religious people. We've all seen Joan and she clearly does not represent either of those things in the show, nor does she here.
12. Partners by indigo556 [Reviews - 11] (1880 words)
Justin struggles to get Brian to accept the idea of therapy; continues to confront the damage done by Jack and Joanie.
Justin sees Brian in a new light.
This chapter is a little shorter; it just turned out that way.
13. Traumatized by indigo556 [Reviews - 18] (3527 words)
Brian has his first session with the psychologist, who suggests a reason for Brian's tricking.
This chapter is dedicated to Jacky, a reader whose feedback has been invaluable and whose life shows Brian and all of us that you can become the person you want to be, regardless of circumstance. :)
This one's a little longer; it just turned out that Brian had a lot to say. :)
14. Gift Exchange by indigo556 [Reviews - 19] (3719 words)
Brian finally understands that Justin wants to be there with him after a heart-to-heart. Brian continues expressing himself in the morning...
NC-18 *some angst* *vulnerable!Brian*
**This chapter is long; I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. Includes a little cutesy and an attempt at humor...!
15. You Told Him That? by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (3228 words)
Brian returns to Dr. Stevenson's and finds himself disagreeing with the doctor's interpretations regarding he and Justin...
In this chapter, Dr. Stevenson learns about a wide variety of topics with Brian. This is not the last time these things will be addressed -- it's a foundation so Dr. Stevenson can plan future discussions.
16. I Don't Wanna Face It by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (1874 words)
This is a short chapter that I'm posting early just because it's short.
I especially want to thank Scrub13 and my reviewers for Chapter 15, who gave me great ideas for this chapter.
Oh. Rather than meet at a restaurant, they're at the loft. Sorry for that.
17. Needs and Wants by indigo556 [Reviews - 19] (3834 words)
Here it is -- the first joint session with Dr. Stevenson.... Dr. Stevenson doesn't let up on Brian, and Justin's looking for answers....
18. Favorite Places by indigo556 [Reviews - 12] (3222 words)
Justin and Brian have breakfast with Gus before going to NYC to gather Justin's things and Justin shares some things he's never shared. :)
I'd like to thank Edom for her wonderful suggestions for this chapter, which helped me get this chapter going and made it much better than it otherwise would've been. :)
NC-18... Justin relaxes Brian for this flight... ;)
19. Beautiful by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (5078 words)
Justin and Brian give each other their first "hours" and Brian has a session with Dr. Stevenson. NC-18
This chapter is long, but I thought it would be better than three short chapters. :) Thanks to templeton_ma for the idea of exploring Dr. Stevenson's reactions to Brian and Justin. Here's one attempt at that.
20. Scarves by indigo556 [Reviews - 18] (3467 words)
Brian tells Justin and Dr. Stevenson about the night of his 30th birthday.
*Please note that this chapter deals with the topic of suicide and is not intended to be professional guidance in any way.*
The angst returns full force.
Thanks to Minoloushe for supporting this interpretation of 122.
21. On the Bathroom Floor by indigo556 [Reviews - 21] (4434 words)
Brian tells Justin about another attempt...that happened during QAF time.
*I am inserting a scene between episodes 302 and 303. I've tried really hard to fit into canon. I don't intend to anger / upset anyone.*
*Angst fans will be happy* *also NC-18* *suicide references*
22. Why Would He? by indigo556 [Reviews - 21] (4559 words)
Brian and Justin see Dr. Stevenson and discuss the scarfing incident in detail (also begins section about Mikey's reaction to this).
*Angst* *NC-18* *Thoughts of Suicide*
23. Decked by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (3868 words)
Justin talks to Michael, then gets an unexpected visitor, and then an even more unexpected phone call...
This was supposed to be a "lighter" chapter, but I guess it's all relative at this point. Still angsty. :)
24. Come Together by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (1552 words)
Justin talks to Dr. Stevenson and Michael, when the heat of the moment has passed.
I was going to post this at a later time, but I started getting concerned that the previous chapter would start to divide people/readers and I want the story to be a story that focuses on unity -- something good that can come from pain. So I rushed this chapter a little, moving it up a couple chapters.
This is a short one --
The next one -- super!angst! Chapter 25 tonight.
25. Order Into Chaos Into Order by indigo556 [Reviews - 24] (4286 words)
For me, this is the apex of the story. This is the point at which it changes from hurt to healing, so to speak. The issue that Brian goes through cuts to the core of what he believes he is, and is therefore very emotional.
I recognize that this may be more than one person could do in one session, but just keep in mind that Dr. Stevenson is talented! *smile*
!Angst! and what I call !deep sap! and minor suicide references
26. Lock and Key by indigo556 [Reviews - 17] (5137 words)
Brian comes home to Justin... NC-18 (!)
27. Three Take Away Two by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (5273 words)
Brian and Justin see Dr. Stevenson together and begin to deal with some issues.
** Adding to canon again: post-507**
28. With Distance by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (3146 words)
Brian talks with Michael and Justin; things about the past are better understood. Then Brian has a surprise for Justin.
Added early to make up for yesterday! ;)
29. What You Are by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (4176 words)
Brian discusses some issues with Dr. Stevenson and Justin, revealing a secret.
** Revised thanks to the help of Gina Marie, who pointed out a truly idiotic mistake I made in the first draft. I don't know where my brain went, but I'm glad that its absence was pointed out. Thank you so much! :)
30. Stings the Throat by indigo556 [Reviews - 11] (461 words)
***Early Post Mini Chapter** : Brian has a difficult day... how will he handle it?
31. Clear Lines by indigo556 [Reviews - 19] (4769 words)
Brian goes home to Justin after Babylon... what will Justin do? NC-18
32. It Will Be Forever by indigo556 [Reviews - 22] (3396 words)
Here it is -- Brian discusses his tricking with Dr. Stevenson and further with Justin.
33. Listening by indigo556 [Reviews - 11] (6366 words)
Justin goes out of town and Gus stays with Brian... Will Gus listen to Brian? And who will Brian listen to?
A huge thanks to templeton_ma for the "naughty Gus" idea and reminding me of my "absent Justin" plans, which start here and go to the next chapter!! :)
34. Neglect by indigo556 [Reviews - 23] (5634 words)
Update (finally!): Brian confronts some feelings resulting from his interactions with Gus.
35. Restrained by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (5260 words)
Brian feels like he's done with anger, but Justin knows better. How will Justin help?
36. Honesty by indigo556 [Reviews - 12] (4186 words)
Brian and Justin talk with Dr. Stevenson about anger, restraint and alcohol... and Brian faces some truths.
37. Only With Me by indigo556 [Reviews - 17] (5484 words)
Brian experiments with alcohol; Justin tries to show Brian fun can be had without alcohol -- but what will result?
38. Only Us by indigo556 [Reviews - 19] (4299 words)
Brian discusses his feelings with Dr. Stevenson and makes a big decision.
39. Gaining You by indigo556 [Reviews - 10] (3505 words)
Brian and Justin have a talk about the threesome attempt.
40. Words Exchanged by indigo556 [Reviews - 16] (4001 words)
Brian and Justin go to Sunday dinner at Debbie's, where alcohol is served...words are exchanged... More angsty than usual lately, :)
41. Up To Today by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (4659 words)
Brian and Justin visit Dr. Stevenson and discuss substance abuse; Brian realizes some difficult truths.
42. A Question by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (3487 words)
Brian and Justin share some memories and Brian has a question...
Graphic description of child abuse; abusive language. Description of rape. Therefore, obviously angsty.
43. The Answer by indigo556 [Reviews - 7] (3699 words)
Justin answers Brian's question...
44. Unified by indigo556 [Reviews - 6] (2591 words)
Justin helps Brian to recover from the emotionally difficult revelations of the last couple of days. NC-17
45. Resist by indigo556 [Reviews - 6] (2596 words)
Brian and Justin talk...includes discussion of suicide and a revelation for Brian.
46. Take Me In by indigo556 [Reviews - 3] (5611 words)
Brian discusses his second "half-assed" attempt with Dr. Stevenson and considers a confrontation of sorts...
47. Sins of the Fathers by indigo556 [Reviews - 5] (1750 words)
Brian and Justin talk about their parents....special thanks to HalfTime1030 for the inspiration to think of this connection that B/J share.
*short chapter, early post*
48. Knowing You by indigo556 [Reviews - 8] (5247 words)
Brian talks with Debbie and Justin; decisions are made.
49. Unspoken Words by indigo556 [Reviews - 12] (4124 words)
Dr. Stevenson brings up a sensitive subject; feelings are explored and discussed for the first time.... A million thanks to Minoloushe for her patience and support in discussing and analyzing the issues herein!
50. Yes, Beautiful by indigo556 [Reviews - 10] (1699 words)
Brian and Justin talk about Dr. Stevenson's question alone at the loft. Short Chapter.
51. Birthday by indigo556 [Reviews - 14] (3157 words)
Justin's first act as Sunshine, plus Brian gets his birthday book!!!! (NC-18)
52. In Public by indigo556 [Reviews - 13] (4423 words)
Sunshine helps Beautiful; there is a small change in Dr. Stevenson's office, and Justin confronts Craig.
53. Closing the Door by indigo556 [Reviews - 16] (2226 words)
Brian confronts Joanie.
54. Let It Take You by indigo556 [Reviews - 10] (1321 words)
Brian feels the pain of his mother's words....
55. In My Submission by indigo556 [Reviews - 10] (2596 words)
Sunshine and Beautiful explore their relationship further with good results. :)
56. Everywhere by indigo556 [Reviews - 15] (2333 words)
Brian and Justin go to Sunday dinner at Debbie's...
57. The Love You Take by indigo556 [Reviews - 9] (2753 words)
The story's last visit with Dr. Stevenson...
58. Loving You by indigo556 [Reviews - 27] (2342 words)
The final chapter of their story....
(Author's notes to follow.)
59. Open Letter To Readers by indigo556 [Reviews - 23] (934 words)
A sincere letter to all my readers. Thank you!