Hey, Tiffany, it has been a great pleasure to get to know you too. I really hope you keep writing because you are a truly gifted writer.

I'm going to miss this story, but I will look forward to what else you'll produce :D

Author's Response:

Thanks so much -- I can't imagine the story without all of your wonderful comments and support (for this story and the rest). I really don't know how you find the time and energy to be such a wonderful reader/reviewer *and* write so many compelling stories! :)

 

I just wanted to say thanks for being one of those authors that reply to reviews and keep a story going. Also I felt a real kind of satisfaction at the end of this story. I can't wait to read more.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! That's wonderful to hear -- that the story was satisfying! It's been completely my pleasure to reply to reviews -- I just hope I haven't missed any! 

thank you tiffany for a wonderful story. take me with you on the next ride.

Author's Response:

You're quite welcome -- and I'll be expecting you for the next one! :) 

That was been an absolute pleasure to read. I enjoyed watching both characters grow. Beautiful story.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I'm so pleased that their growth was evident throughout. Thanks so much for taking the time to review and for enjoying the story! 

Tiffany,

I loved this story. I am hoping you will start a new one after a bit of rest.

I feel you really got the true feelings of  Brian and Justin in this story.

I also know you are truly a gifted writer and need to continue to write stories for others to read to better our lifes.

Again, thanks for writing this GREAT STORY!!!

Debbie

PS. If I could, I would rate it a 20 or more in points as the best.

Author's Response:

Debbie, 

Thank you so much for your support throughout the story.  It has been wonderful to write for this community knowing some of the amazing readers out there like yourself. I hope I have managed in some way to make things better. :) 

Thank YOU! :) 

Tiffany

Have really enjoyed this story - it's been a wonderful journey of discovery for both Brian & Justin (though especially Brian, of course!). Hope you will write more in the future :) :) :)

Wowww this was an heartbreaking, heartwarming, sweet, hot ( and lots of more words, that I don't know in english) story from an amazing writer.

Tiffany this was more than B E A U T I F U L

* a very deep bow *    and    * a big hug *

Author's Response:

Awww, thank you so much. Your support has been amazing and you are so kind... I'm honored to be able to write for you! :)

Tifffany I found your story a week ago fell heads over heals instantly. I really enjoyed the inclusion of psychoanalysis and could tell you wrote from a knowledgeable position. It wasn't hard to empathize with Brian's journey and celebrate his triumpths. I wish there was more D/s play but I respected your depiction and characterizations nonetheless. Thanks, Leah 

Author's Response:

Awww, thanks so much. I'm so glad that the psych concepts fit well into the story; they were basically the driving plot for me personally in writing the story. I thought about doing more on the D/s side, but I didn't want to make it into the main focus of the story. Just starting them down the road... Maybe in another story someday. 

Thanks so much for the feedback and for reading!

When I read this: “I‘m with you,” I hear him say.

I immediately glance at the titile of the story: "Why Not With Me"

And I smiled =)

This is a beautiful conclusion to the story. Congratulations on pulling this off. Not an easy task. And it sure has been quite a journey for us all. Thank you.

PS. The second interview went ok (Not as good as I hoped for since I was really nervous). So, now I can only wait for their decision. Can't wait to get back to the workforce. And thank you for your support. It's nice to have this personal exchange wth you as I went through the ups and downs. It means a lot to me that someone cares :_)

 

 

Author's Response:

*smiles* 

Thank you... It really has been  journey. I never would have thought, when I started this story, that things in RL would turn out like they have... 

I am glad the interview went well for you and that soon you'll be able to find a job that you'll really enjoy and find worthwhile!

*stands on chair, claps and whistles loudly*

A million shiny thank-yous for this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Author's Response:

And at least as many shiny thank-yous to YOU for all of your..."support" isn't even the right word but... but...Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a wonderful story I have loved every chapter thank you so much :)Chris

Author's Response:

Aw, thanks so much! I've loved sharing it with everyone! :)

This was a fabulous chapter, and did the story justice.  This is one of the very best QAF stories that I've ever read, and certainly one that I will enjoy rereading.  wonderful.  thanks so much, tiffany!

Author's Response:

Awwww!! *blushes*** Thank you so much! I'm so glad the end went well; it was nerve-wracking to write. 

If ever, as you're re-reading, you want to comment, feel free -- I promise I'll be checking them. :) Thanks so much again!

i'm so sad that this is ending, but so glad that brian got to where he is. i thin k seeing dr. stevenson once in a while will help.

amazing work hon.

Author's Response:

I know... I just posted the last chapter and I feel all mushy... *sighs* Thanks so, so much for your wonderful support throughout the story. I hope the final chapter won't disappoint! 

And I sure will miss Dr. Stevenson!  No more coffee spilling =D

It is amazing to see Brian's progress from Dr's POV. Not just saying "fine" at the beginning... That was really really something. Not only Dr got a lesson from Brian, we all did, thanks to you.

Is bondage really officially documented in psychotherapy? Just curious :)

And some personal good news. Well, no job offer yet but at least one step closer. Got an invitation to a second interview. Fingers crossed.

Author's Response:

Awww, thanks! I've learned a lot and had a lot of fun with all my wonderful reviewers, too! :) 

As to your question -- not that I know of. I wish; I'd love to see the research. Thematically the links are there; how it would be practiced would be tough. 

Wow, good! Congratulations on the second interview! I hope all goes well, and I hope you'll enjoy the last (!!) chapter of the story! 

Dr. Stevenson has gotten better at controlling his reactions *smirk*

I'm glad they got to tell him how things went with their parents, I think they were proud of themselves and each other, but having the doctor proud of them too was a confirmation that they had done the right thing.

I would have liked them to tell him about the dinner at Deb's and the fact that everybody accepts the new Brian, but I guess we can't have it all, and the rest was definitely more important.

I'm sad this is coming to an end, but I look forward to reading the last parts :)

Author's Response:

You know, I wish I would have thought about that -- them telling the doc about Debbie's. I guess it didn't occur to me b/c "public Beautiful" isn't anything they'd discussed with him (yet, anyway). That would have been a great idea, though! 

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter anyway. ... I just posted the final chapter (besides Author's Notes tomorrow) and it is definitely sad for me! 

Thanks so much for your truly amazing support throughout! I hope you'll like the end!

Phew!  I made it through all the chapters.  It took the better part of two days, but it was worth the time investment.

This fic makes me feel good...In my book, that's the best compliment I can give an author.

I'll miss Dr. Stevenson too.  I'm not always a fan of OC's but he has really grown on me.  You did a great job creating him!

Author's Response:

Wow...Thank you so much -- I'm honored by your compliments! I am quite fond of Dr. Stevenson myself and am glad others liked him, too. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm! :)

“Is there enough of me left…after all of this?”

Ugh...poor Brian!

Author's Response:

*nods sympathetically*

Ack...crying again...need more kleenex.  Think Dr. Stevenson will give me some of his?

This is really powerful stuff...and beautifully written.  Seriously.

Author's Response:

Dr. Stevenson always shares his kleenex and his bottled water...!! *hands over some* 

 

Thank you so much -- I genuinely appreciate the feedback! :)

I loved these two lines...

"There really aren’t words for how I’m feeling about him. Justin says there is; he calls it love. And I guess that’s true. But a word only lasts a second; I want to tell him longer."

"Crying with Brian was…the most intense thing we’ve ever done together."

This was a great chapter...

 

Author's Response:

I LOVE your quote choices -- a couple of my favorites from the whole story... Thanks SO much!!!! **so happy to have you as a new reviewer!*

Wow, I don't want to leave a big long review since I am trying to read as many chapters as I can tonight, but...

That was powerful and intense...and beautiful.

Thank you.

Author's Response:

Oooh, new reviewer! Hi!! Thanks so much -- I'm excited that you're enjoying the story!

When will this end .....................................................

Author's Response:

Umm, two more chapters, if you keep reading. You are also not obligated to continue a story that you started. Certainly not for 56 chapters and almost 200,000 words.... you could have ended it at any intervening point, just so you know for next time that you find yourself unhappy with a story. 

 

I thought the balance was just right. I'm so glad you didn't make anyone (like Michael) into a cliche' asshole and say stupid shit to Brian that real people would never say to each other. What Mel said was appropriately teasing and she didn't take it over the top.

I like that you're keeping it private between them. They certainly aren't ready for a public D/s display; it's way too new to the two of them and are just beginning to understand it; they wouldn't have a clue how to explain it to anyone else.

Maybe when it becomes second nature to them, going public will be a natural progression but that'll be a while yet ... like you said, maybe in a future one-shot. (Although! Maybe they could visit a BDSM club for, you know, research!) :-D

Anyway, great update! Brian's made a lot of progress! And, I loved the hot scene at the end!! Nice!!

Hugs, Cindy

Author's Response:

I'm glad that the characterizations worked -- I figured they could all afford to be more mature, like 15 months post 513. Plus, I think they sort of knew Brian was going through a lot lately, so even Mel was relatively gentle with him. 

Right now, yeah, it's far too private. I don't know if it's ever something they will share, in the greater arc of this story... Maybe... I'll have to think about it... 

Thanks so much for the feedback -- and I'm glad you liked the last scene! Brian and Justin really enjoyed it, too! :)

Hugs back!,

Tiffany

I can just imagine the unease Brian would feel before that dinner, coming out like that is nerve wrecking.

He handled it so well, and I'm glad Mel was the only one who couldn't keep her big mouth shut, and Brian's answer was so great.

The sex after they came home was HOT!!! and I think it's great that Justin has a place on Brian's shoulder that is his :D

Author's Response:

I know -- Brian was nervous, and at least he realized that Justin would be there to help him once he knew what was wrong.

And I loved writing his answer to Mel -- meeting her sarcasm with sincerity... 

I'm glad it was hot -- was surprised to find something they hadn't done together yet (in the story at least!)! And yep, that's his little Brian spot! :)

i'm glad everyone was a bit shocked at the new brian but accepted him anyway. that he was honest in his response to mel says alot.

nice reward justin gave him.

Author's Response:

I'm excited that their reactions were okay -- it was hard to decide, but I figured at this point, they all sort of knew something was going on with Brian and they'd all been thinking about the "Beautiful" side of him, so this wouldn't be something that they'd challenge too much. Even Mel wasn't nasty, and Brian handled her with some disarming honesty... :) 

I think Brian enjoyed his reward, too! :)

“You know -- I wanted to thank everyone for that birthday book… it’s really helped me see how…” Brian paused for a moment and Justin leaned in and kissed his cheek -- “how I don’t have to be…” He stopped, hesitating, searching for words. “How I can be better. And yeah, Mel…that’s what I’m trying to be… What I want to be.” 

OMG!Okay, I don't usually fangirl over fics. I swear, haha. Yet, after reading that I totally had a 'yay' moment and was waay excited! It was just like...a moment of everything just kind of coming together at this point. FINALLY. I loved it. I also like the fact that you didn't have Brian and Justin come to dinner and announce/label there relationship changes(the D/s involved specifically). I like that you kept some things private, but was still able to highlight Brian's changes. I liked that. The POV changes were great. Usually I get annoyed with changes of POV so swiftly one after another after another, but I really liked this one. This chapter was wonderfully executed.

*sniff* This fic is almost done?! What?! :'( I've enjoyed following this fic, a lot!! I haven't had a good WIP to read in a long while. I also haven't had as much interest in following the reviews in a while...until I found your fic!!The other reviewers definitley make me stop and go "Omg, I didn't see it that way!! So interesting, I'm gonna have to read this again!yay!" Your fic has fascinated me and I'm sure I'll be reading it over and over again for time to come. Dang it, I left a reeeeally long review. O well, I can't make it any shorter. haha. *hugs* Hope your Valentine's Day went well!! Mine wasn't too dandy but QAFfanfics have been brigtening up my days very well!!

 

Author's Response:

**awww** I'm glad you liked that line. It does demonstrate so much about Brian's growth and his ability to stand up for it. I'm also relieved that the POV changes weren't too crazy. I wanted to make it clear that everyone noticed what was going on with him, and this was the fastest way to do that.

It was a tough chapter, so I really appreciate the feedback on it! Maybe I balanced everything okay after all! 

I know, don't I have the best reviewers!?! I really, really do... you all make the stories and the writing so much better thanks to your feedback and support! 

Now *clears throat*... as for WIPs... I do have "Heartbreaker" which will go on for several more chapters. Then I'm planning on a new long story (though probably not as long as this one has been!). 

I'll miss everyone and the story, too... *sniffles* 

My Valentine's Day was entirely uneventful, but thanks for asking! Glad the fics could cheer you! :)

Yeah! I've been waiting for this update eagerly and excitedly and I think it was absolutely lovely.  I am going to be so depressed when this story is done.  It always brightens my week.  Thanks for being so thoughtful about it and writing it so beautifully. :)

Author's Response:

Thanks so much -- I'm thrilled that you're still enjoying the story! I'm going to be sad when it ends, too... I'm planning another big story to follow sometime afterward (aside from "Heartbreaker", I mean). 

*blushes from the kind words!*

Hello.  My name is Michelle and I am a "Lurker."  I've written maybe ten reviews in the last two years of fabulous reading, and your story is one I cannot just let pass on by...

I was loving your story until the dreaded D/s plot was unveiled.  I actually had to step away from the story for a few weeks until I could return, after taking a deep breath.

You are a sly little devil, easing me, a dense naive reader, into the whole Dom/sub thing by not "naming" it.  Clever.

As you my have already inferred, I am a bit reluctant to embrace new identites for my beloved bj characters.  But, sigh, you have managed the impossible - as far as my personal stubborness goes - to both educate and intrigue.

Much like a number of your regular reviewers Im getting a bit of therepy from your fic.  I truly adore Brian.  He is the man I wish I could grow up to be like (if I wasn't already older, and a woman, lol).  We are alike only in that I am also very repressed emotionally and get quite uncomfortable when confronted with too much...well, too much anything really.  Hence my temporary hiatus from your story (and possibly permanant one from about halfway thru season 4 of qaf - why I turned to fanfic in the first place).

I've been to therepy off an on thru the years.  Both group and one-on-one, even a retreat once where I was cajoled into bashing a pile of foam cushions with a bat (ironic, in conjunction with qaf, I know) trying to conjur up the anger and emotion I've learned to control so well.  Nothing works, not well or for long, anyway.  I've kinda given up, really.

Your story has taken my favorite co-dependant duo to a different level.  You've given me something to think about.  I've always loved the plot lines that revolve around an almost supernatural knowledge of each others' needs and careful loving attentiveness to meet them.  The whole Dom/sub thing, while alien to me, does seem to fit into that, and more.  Who wouldn't like to be in a place of utter certainty that your lover is 110% with you, supporting you, loving you?  Just the word Dominant is cringeworthy for me, but in Justin's hands?  With his love of Brian?  With his intuition on how far to push when Brian is witholding/withdrawing his emotions?

If this is what a Dom/sub relationship is really like, sign me up!

Alas.  In my reality, the thereputic high eventually fades (usually abruptly) when confronted with day to day reality and old habits and reflex reactions come to play.  I am concerned and excited to read how you will integrate Brian/Beautiful with the gang, who have their own need to believe in the Brian-fcuking-Kinney myth.  I've noticed Im not the only one who doesn't accept change very well, and I doubt severly that this crowd will either.

You say this story is almost done.  I can only imagine it as Part 1.  I don't know how you are going to wrap this up neatly within a few chapters without going into these kinds of issues, or at least facing the reality that most of us relapse at some point, especially at the beginning of such a foreign journey.

I think I am just afraid that I will be disappointed if this story wraps up too abruptly or too perfectly.

But I also wanted to say, great story!  You have got me engaged and on the edge of my seat.  Bravo!

Michelle

Author's Response:

Dear Michelle, 

First I wanted to thank you for your note. I am really honored that the story has been so engaging for you. The story has been so meaningful to me for many reasons, and one of the most important is because of the reviews I have received... It has been an amazing experience, both for the feedback on technique and content, as well as from the wonderful and supportive people I have met via the story. Your feedback means a great deal to me personally and as a writer. 

It is amazing to me how much I have in common with Brian.. I was always drawn to his character, but it was only in the writing of this story that I suddenly realized the root of this sort of attraction. From difficulty in expressing and recognizing emotion, to perfectionism and difficulty allowing others to be close, it turns out that he and I have a lot in common! There have even been times when I've written words for Dr. Stevenson that I suppose I was really writing to myself... 

I know I was rather sneaky in introducing the BDSM aspects of the story. It essentially mirrors my own journey into the concepts (if not the practice) of D/s. I have always envisioned love as something like what B/J have in this story...and the first time I ever read D/s stories, I suddenly recognized something (conceptually) that I had never had words or examples of, but that I'd felt in some way within my own heart... I suppose you could say that it was something I instinctively wanted, but did not know how to say.

I wanted to find a way to look at the conceptual side of D/s as an exploration of the themes of love, devotion and support that are in the story... I wanted to show the essence of love as I see it, and as I've begun to see within the context of (some) D/s relationships. I understand that this was a somewhat controversial choice to make, and a difficult one for readers to understand (especially given Brian's position as a sub). I appreciate that you took the time to look at it in concept and practice, despite the name that came attached with it...

I don't know if what I'm about to say will be repetitive or useful to you (or other readers) in any way, but I hope it might be. Sunshine's dominance is something that is given to him by Beautiful... Sunshine wouldn't exist as a Dominant without the gift of Beautiful's submission. His "dominance," such as it is, is an act of trust that he will devote himself to Beautiful's protection, support and growth....

In the particular context of this story, the concept of Beautiful is fleshed out in a particularly explicit way...as Brian's truest, most innocent self. And so Justin is really in the service of the part of Brian that is most in need of that support... 

I agree about the issue of breaking old habits and backsliding from growth. I've tried to illustrate this in relation to other areas, such as when he tricked again and his flirtations with alcohol. I can easily see that this could apply to his relationship with Sunshine, but it would be up to Sunshine to deal with in the context of their relationship, via some type of punishment (not necessarily and not likely to be physical). I don't think it would signify the end of their D/s dynamic.. in fact, it would strengthen it, by giving Brian a further sense of security that he could make mistakes and be human and still be within Sunshine's care. Perhaps I could showcase this in a chapter, though it might have to be via a standalone set somewhat in the future. I do like the idea, but I don't know that I have enough to write the necessary intervening chapters... 

I will admit, I'm nervous about writing the scene -- which will be the next chapter -- with the rest of the "gang".  In all candor, it isn't terribly important to me or my vision of the story how well any of them "handles" Brian's decision... or even how much they know about it. I don't know if I personally have the requisite amount of insight into the other characters to write in any detail about their thoughts on  D/s... I think it would be interesting -- very interesting -- and I've seen that done well in other stories... but I feel it's almost out of the scope of this particular story.. .because what is important (to me) is whether Brian feels that he can be caring and vulnerable in front of the group. The extent to which they know about the D/s side of his relationship with Justin is not necessarily important. I don't know yet if they'll make it public. I assume at some point they will, but perhaps not yet. But Brian's appearance as Beautiful can happen without naming Beautiful, so to speak. I'm sure the group will, to varying degrees, notice the difference, and the change in his behavior might be noted, and the reasons perhaps not. At this point, it's still such a fresh and private decision between them. But the effects are not... (I really hope this makes sense... this is an area that I'm struggling with as I write the chapter!) 

And it's not that I don't want to "get there" in the story... And I can certainly see why this seems like "Part 1". In fact, I think you're right. The intent of the story was to heal Brian, and the essence of that will be complete. The further development of their D/s relationship is rather separate from that and continues "past" that. And I don't know that I have enough of that to make a new story of it. Perhaps I do, but at the moment it doesn't seem like it to me. And I have a fear of going on in the story with chapters that do not substantially develop the story. To get to those intensive D/s moments, I'd have to skip vast amounts of time in the story, which is quite inconsistent with the story structure so far... 

That all said (!), I hope the ending will make sense and not be too abrupt. I hope it makes sense that it is not the end of B/J's journey (you're quite right) but rather that it signifies a major healing being complete, with all necessary issues resolved (but growth still continuing).  I'm giving a lot of thought to these issues, and your comments have helped me to clarify my own feelings on these topics and have given me more to think about, which I sincerely appreciate. Everyone will benefit from a better chapter because of your comments! :) 

Thank you again for your comments... I am so touched that the story has been meaningful to you and had some impact on you. It has for me, too... and I truly cherish the connection I've been able to make with readers. I hope that the end of the story ends up fitting well for you, and I definitely won't rule out further developing the D/s side in another story, whether long or as stand-alones.

 

Sincerely,

Tiffany

 

 

You already know most of my thoughts about this chapter and chapter 54 from the message I sent you ages ago *is shocked at how long ago that was*. So this review (and the one I’ll leave for 54) are really just going into my additional thoughts :)

 

I found Joan very IC in this chapter. The impression I always have of her from the show is an intensely cold and emotionally repressed person; those characteristics come through very strongly here. Her willingness to enter into a surface “debate” with Brian while never really listening to what he says also resonate and capture the same attitude I get from her canon. The “Joan” lines that really stand out for me are: “And apparently it didn’t help him at all, because he’s more lost now than he’s ever been” and in the following sentence “I don’t understand why this is so important to him now”. That really sums up her attitude, insecurities and priorities. I can’t help thinking she has just as many “issues” as Brian, only instead of someone like Justin in her life she only had Jack…

 

In some ways I find Joan’s behaviour more understandable than Craig’s, because I see Joan in as a much more complex and damaged person. She clings to religious faith as a kind of lifeline and shield against having to face the truth of her own behaviour and it’s consequences. It seems to make life and its disappointments bearable for her. Craig on the other hand has transitioned from someone who could and did love, to rejecting Justin because he doesn’t fit into Craig’s image of the perfect son. Not that it’s a competition between which of them is the worst, but still…

 

Brian being able to confront Joan and express his hurt is a huge step forward. Because for all that Brian rails against Joan and rejects her in canon, his own problems in identifying and expressing emotion aren’t so far removed. Brian’s statement “It’s everywhere, it’s in me and it’s in my life” is so powerful and beautifully expressed. I think we're seeing an empowered Beautiful in this chapter rather than a repressed Brian. 

Author's Response:

I was definitely trying to give Joan some depth so that it was clear that she was (and had dealt with) dealing with lots of issues of her own. And she was more or less protecting herself with her lies about Brian's childhood; it was too painful to consider how she had actually let her son grow up, and so her denial was strong then and is strong now... bolstered by her apparent desire to "save" him... 

Craig it harder to understand because he's such a single-issue hater. I mean -- the chapter, "Sins of the Fathers" or whatever it was -- in which Brian ponders whether maybe having a father only to lose him over your sexual preferences might be harder -- I think he is not far from the truth... And it casts the rest of his relationship with Justin in such a light that it ends up false at best and a blatant lie at worst... 

I love your characterization of "empowered Beautiful" rather than "repressed Brian." !!! :) That is exactly who'll we'll be seeing in Ch. 56. 

Sorry that it took so long to review this -- I thought I had but then found that I hadn't...!

This chapter was so beautiful and so touching! I loved the way you showed that side of a Dom/sub relationship that shows how much resposibilty the dominant person has to take care of the one in submission. Too often Doms are porttrayed as power hungry bosses who get off on ordering their sub around; but the way Justin cherishes Brian's submission to him is really a lovely thing to see!

Don't get me wrong, I think it would be totally hot to see them performing together at a BDSM Club or something like that or in a playroom scene, but those scenes aren't nearly as hot without the foudation from nights like they just had.

So ... keep up your brilliant insight into these two! I hate to see it ending; but can't wait to see what else you have in store for our favorite couple!

Author's Response:

Thank you so much!! I am really pleased to hear that the D/s dynamic flowed that way. I wanted to show Justin's commitment and also what he got out of their interactions... Also I wanted to show how Sunshine was going to enforce what Brian / Beautiful wanted (i.e. to stop substance use altogether) and help him find a healthy substitute. 

I hate to see it end, too, but I really don't want to drag the story out for its own sake. I really hope you'll like the upcoming story too!! 

You amaze me every time * DEEP BOW * . You're a wonderful writer of emotions. I'm a bit sad to see this story ending.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

*blushes* 

Thank you so much.... I'm sad to see it end, too... I hope you'll enjoy the last chapters and thanks so much for your wonderful support!

God, I loved this chapter so much. I'm glad Brian told Justin what he would have done 'before'.

The restraint with no sight and sound was amazing. I can understand why he paniced a little at first, I would too, but then he just remembered that Justin was there and he could get free if he really wanted to, that was beautiful.

The sex was so emotional and heartfelt.

It's a good thing that Justin takes over and tells Brian how things are going to be from now on, Brian needs that direction, support and love.

I'm sad to hear that it's almost over, but only because I love it so much, I can understand you not wanting to drag it out, just for the sake of making it longer.

I'm looking forward to the next long one :)

Author's Response:

*hugs you* 

I'd been waiting on pins and needles for like an hour and almost 100 readers before finally, thank god for you, you left a review!! I was getting really nervous that people hated this chapter!! (or were mad that the story has only a few more chapters). 

I loved writing that restraint scene, although it was a little harder since they don't have a fully equipped playroom, but conceptually it wasn't necessary. I am so delighted that you liked that scene, and the sex scene that followed....!!! *grins happily* 

I'm sad and nervous about ending this story... I don't know if any other story could mean quite as much to me as this one does, both for the story and for the wonderful people (such as yourself) that I've gotten to know through it.... I hope the next big one will be a worthy successor! I'm more afraid though to drag it out, bore people, and end up with no readers or reviews... 

Thanks again, so, so much for your amazing support and feedback!! 

Love,

Tiffany

I loved that by Justin not blind folding him, Brian will actually face his emotions for the first time. I think this will go a long way in helping him not resist them in the future. I also wanted to say that I liked the way you wrote Joan. She's very complex. I liked how real you made her. I'm eagerly awaiting more.  

Author's Response:

Thanks so much. I do think that not having the blindfold was a help to him this time; I'm glad that you agree. Thanks so much -- I did want her to be somewhat complex, since she does have a story. Thanks so much for your great comments :) ! 

i don't know how i feel about this chapter.

Author's Response:

I know this chapter is rather difficult. Brian was hurt for the first time since his very early years while in touch with himself as "Beautiful." That was what made it so difficult for him; and his emotions that had been kept in for so long were sort of triggered in the process. He fought to keep them all at bay, and was afraid of what would happen if his emotions got out and overran him (as it seemed they would because he felt weak in their presence).  With the security of the handcuffs, he knew at least that he would be physically under control even if he emotionally wasn't...  Ultimately it turns out to be a very healing experience for him, despite the extreme intensity of the moment. 

I hope this makes some sense and thanks so much for your comments! :)

I feel so bad for Brian, that feeling that he'll drown if he lets go is so sad.

I love that you made him react the way you did, that is very IC. Justin did the right thing, getting him to a place where it was safe to fall apart, where he knew that Justin would catch him.

So beautiful and I'm looking forward to Dr. Stevenson's reaction to these confrontations.

Author's Response:

I'm very glad you liked the chapter. Brian was overcome with a lot of current and past emotions -- thank goodness for Justin! I am looking forward to Dr. Stevenson's thoughts, too. :) Thanks as always for supporting the story! :)

OMG so brilliantly written the depth of pain Brian has been in for so long his defenses are so inbuilt he canot let it go easily. Thankfully Justin is there to be his safe place to fall. :)Chris

Author's Response:

Thank you so much. It was an extremely difficult time for Brian because it was the first time he'd been hurt since being re-acquainted with himself as Beautiful. Having Justin there was so important... :) Thanks so much for your support of the story. :)

* cries * please I need a tissue, beautiful. I wanna hug Brian.

10+

Author's Response:

*hands over kleenex* 

 

Thank you so much!!!! I am very grateful for your response to the chapter; it was an extremely meaningful one for me. :)

Haven't done the quote thing in a while, but wow, this one really made me melt!

“Beautiful,” he said softly into my ear, “you’re going to do this and you’re going to feel really good about it. I’m going to be right there with you. And when you’re done, you’ll never have to do this again.” 

Along with that, wow, that chapter was intense!

It seemed realistic to me, but at the same time unexpected. I've read many stories where IC Joanie would of spewed her beliefs and just stormed off. Rather than listen to Brian's spiel of, what I think she could of interpreted as, criticisms. However, she was by no means too warm of a person to not be IC. Joanie is a kind of complicated character, imho, because we didn't exactly get as much as we could from her as a character within the show due to her appearing more of a minor character. As well as some perceptions we've had of her ,from canon(the show), were from Brian's POV.

Wow, I've left a long review, haha. Anyways all in all I think it went well. In the end Brian got to say what he needed to say. Which I would think could give him some sense of closure because at least he took that step. Oh, I'm so happy I'm, for once, awake during the day to read AND review :) yay!

Author's Response:

Aww, I love it when people choose quotes. I was uncertain about this quote; I am glad you brought it up because now I feel a lot better about it. 

I did want to show her as somewhat more complicated, at least human and not pure monster. I'm glad she wasn't too far OOC. I love your reviews whenever they're written, but for your sake I'm glad your awake during the day! Sunlight is good!! :) 

great stuff!  I was really looking forward to this chapter and you didn't let us down - Brian is stronger than he knows, forcing his mother to face a few 'home truths' . . . can't wait for the next chapter :) :) :)

Author's Response:

Thank you so much. I was a little nervous posting this chapter because so much had led up to it; I'm grateful for the feedback that it didn't disappoint. I hope you liked the following chapter as well! 

 

You want input?

You'll get it...

*cries*

It's just a day like today when I hated my parentes! Like Brian did! I hated them for don't caring for me! And I hated them because they gave me so much! But not that I wanted! I needed! I just wanted their love, their understanding!! And they fucking gave me material things! I never wanted that! And they knew it! And that's why I started eating! I ate and ate and became fat und fatter... And I couldn't talk with my parents because both of them are dead. Died on cancer. But I am still alive! And goddamned - I will survive! Somehow.

*coughs + sighs*

And believe me, Tiffany: Brians emotions are definitely flowed well and realistic... Because I wish I have someone near me who'll take my hand + tell me that he loves me. Be here for me. And sorry for my own feelings that came out so hard in this review...

Author's Response:

*hands over kleenex* 

Oh Kitty...you don't have anything to apologize for!! I just wish there was some way I could tell you how much your reviews mean to me, and how much I hope that the story can help in some way, that I can help in some way... Just know that I do care about you.... 

Love,

Tiffany

I hope you have been having a great 2010 so far! It's really touching that you still remember me :_ ) Sorry that I have been a bit MIA. My Italy trip was great. But coming back to square one (no job) needed some getting used to since I seriously didn't even want to come back to real life. I had to adjust my mindset and finally now have a short-term schedule to do some studying for language exam and for a professional re-certification while I keep an eye on the job market.

"his precious pomegranate juice"...  I haven't tried this type of juice yet. But tell you a secret. I started drinking guava juice after QAF =D

Joanie in a mink coat?! That already gives me the creeps :-)

Joanie thought Brian was dying of AIDS and his many since have finally caught up with him?! Gosh, that woman is really a monster.

"Why didn’t you ever help me?” My heart was breaking :_(

"You hurt me" It took 53 chapters for Brian to say this to his mother. Talk about a long journey...

I am just speechless. How can a mother be so heartless?

Yeah. I am very proud of Brian. You definitely handled him well. Joan was IC to me. She basically just distanced herself emotionally and physically from Brian.

Author's Response:

I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed your vacation! And it sounds like you have a good plan to find a job. I'm an expert in not wanting to come back to real life -- it happens to me every Monday! 

I picked the pomegranate juice because it is supposed to have a ton of health benefits and it struck me as a Brian-ish drink. :)  I can also see that my characterization of Joanie had the desired effect! 

It was a sad chapter in many ways, but also a triumphant one. I'm delighted that you enjoyed it so much!

Oh, wow, Joan really is delusional if she only remembered the things she said. And the fact that she didn't want him to get hurt Sometimes just makes me want to pummel her, bitch.

She really is in denial if she didn't realize that what Jack and her were doing to Brian didn't help him, only made him resentful and closed of.

I think you did a wonderful job with this, it was very believable and now I'm looking forward to the healing that will hopefully start in the next chapter.

Author's Response:

*smiles* I'm glad that my characterization came out this way. I wanted to try to make her sort of complex, but still with that repulsive quality. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support!! :) :)

bravo brian. as painful as that was for him it was good for him. as long as joan knows that whatever her and jack did didn't break him, that he's happy and loved and can love then that's all there is.

great job.

Author's Response:

Yeah -- that was the biggest message, when Brian says, "You didn't win. I've won." That was the moment that made it worthwhile. Thanks so much for your thoughts and support; I'm so glad you liked the chapter! :)

so sad that craig has so little feelings for the son he loved and raised just because he chooses to be with Brian.  I wonder if Craig would feel that way if Justin had  been with a female who was a real loser in his eyes. ( felony charges, drug user, wrong side of the tracks- etc)

sad that this happens more than we like to think

Author's Response:

That's an interesting point. I guess it would depend on how class-ist he really is. My guess is that his reaction would be similar, but not as extreme, to that sort of situation.  It is so sad, and poor Justin now left to wonder what those first 18 years really meant if they weren't worth saving. :( 

Thanks so much for your review!

It was so great that Justin told Brian to call him, and that he actually did it. It was a little funny that Brian didn't realize that Justin oculd hear in his voice when he is hurting, you'd think he knew that by now :)

The idea of doing both their parents in such a short amount of time is genius, better get it over with and then they can start to heal from it.

Craig really is a bastard, as if it was in any way Justin's fault that their relationship is non-existing. Justin was so strong and so good when he said what he needed to say and then just left!

I'm so looking forward to Brian's confrontation with Joan, it should be interesting!

Author's Response:

I thought it was interesting too, how Brian still doesn't get how much  Justin knows him. He'll get used to it, though. 

Yeah, the next chapter with Joanie is a short one, and the one after that will deal with the aftermath. I think Justin has much less "aftermath" in a sense and is better equipped to deal. Luckily he'll be there to help Brian, who will be having a harder time.

I know. I wrote the Craig part and I was like, "What a fucking jackass!" It was great to write Justin walking away from him, though I think my favorite moment was when Justin stopped Craig from grabbing the keys. 

I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter; I'll post in 6-8 hours I think. Thanks as always for your wonderful and insightful reviews!!!!

It's so sad to see a father & son relationship disintegrate like this but it's great that Brian and Justin have each other to face Craig and Joan. 

“Because Justin will  be there.”  What an admission. The Brian a year ago probably would have kicked Justin out of the loft to spare Justin from witnessing Brian's vulnerability.

 

Author's Response:

Oh hi!! I'm so glad you're back; I've been wondering how things are going with you and the job search and all. I hope it's going well!

Exactly! Wasn't that huge that Brian would say that!?! You're so right that it shows so much of how Brian has grown and how much he now trusts Justin. 

I'm so happy that you're still reading!! :) 

i loved how justin got him to relax. to take some time in his day just for him. his floating images at first were hysterical. if he doesn't take the time to himself then justin is going to be there to do it for him.

talking about what was going to happen and how he felt about talking to craig was good for justin. he had to face his fears. craig is an idiot to throw his son away. i think justin handled the entire situation perfectly. if his father can't accept him for who he is not what he is then craig doesn't deserve him.

brian's attitude in dr. steveson's office i feel was mainly because he was surprised by their last session that brian didn't know what to expect this time. that he was willing to talk about his plans to talk to joan and what he was expecting from it was a big step for him.  i'm glad dr. stevenson reinforced all the positive changes he's made.

very nervous about the up coming talk with joan and am glad justin will be there for support.

Author's Response:

*grins thinking about Brian the Sex Superhero in his Armani cape!* 

I liked the session with Dr. Stevenson a lot; as you say, the doc is very supportive and tried hard to be sensitive to how Brian felt. I think part of Brian's difficulty in that session was because he was alone with someone else who in some ways knew that other part of himself. So he was struggling with whether to be more of "Beautiful" in the office. 

I hope you'll like the next chapter; I'll post in probably 6-8 hours. :)

It's always worth the wait ...... I am glad Justin got to say what he needed to say to Craig... it gave Justin some closure and the knowledge that things would never change or get any better between them... I am sure the same thing will happen when Brian speaks to Joanie because she is even more of a lost cause than Craig...   

Author's Response:

It did give a lot of closure; now Justin can know that his father still doesn't care, even though he said outright that he was hurt. I think he'll feel much better now. I hope you'll like the next chapter; I'll post it in probably 6-8 hours. :) 

Tiffany

It's really really early in the morning(3am) and usually I put off reviewing but I wanted to make sure I got a review out for this chapter. I loved it. I usually do, but I think it's because your writing can be so intense. When you describe Brian's struggles it's so vivid. Both the good and the bad are written so fluidly.

What I loved most about this chapter was everything, haha. I can't really pinpoint anything, not even Brian being Beautiful. Everything flowed so well and one part could not be without another. It was all so wonderfully written. Why choose what I love most? I loved it all and can't wait to read more.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much......that's just so sweet and so wonderful to hear. I am humbled to have such kind and thoughtful reviewers!! :) I'll have another chapter up Saturday at the latest. :)

Lovely.... Beautiful and Sunshine are Amazing....  you could  roast marshmallows off the screen it was so.. HOT.. lol..giving him the book at that point was a fantastic idea .... it showed Brian in black and white...what Justin has been saying all along... how "Beautiful".. he really is...

Author's Response:

*grins* I like your description with the marshmallows... makes me think I need to do a scene with the two of them in front of that fireplace in Britin roasting marshmallows... hmmm..... *evil grin* 

The book was huge for Brian -- to see that, although he had denied so much of his kindness to himself, people still saw it. And people love him.  Knowing that will make it so much easier for him to begin making adjustments to his "public self" and integrate more of Beautiful into his interactions outside of the loft. 

Thanks so much as always for your thoughts!!

The first thing that needs to be said is omg you write good sex!!  

 

I thought this chapter worked really well, it’s like we’re seeing the complete Beautiful (or the integration of Brian/Beautiful) for the first time. Not only did it feel like Justin presenting the birthday book was celebrating the “birth” of Beautiful, but the aspects of the birthday book that you focused on were wonderful. They take us back to the very first chapter and the breakfast scene between Gus and Brian in the diner (which is the start of Brian’s journey and the question “why not with me”) and to the third chapter, with the “Believe” painting (which is the start of Brian and Justin’s journey together). It’s interesting that if you go back to the third chapter the word “beauty” is used a lot and at the end Brian refers to Justin several times as “Sunshine” (not that I’m saying you knew where the story was necessarily going to end up at that stage, but I think it does create a lovely sense of continuity) and how Brian describes the painting as “purely beautiful”.

 

I guess that’s the feeling I get from this chapter and how I see Brian in it – as “purely Beautiful”. All the possibilities and potential and love which Justin put into “Believe” and saw in Brian at the beginning made real. Also, sometimes it’s the smallest details which resonate the most. I loved the sequence where Justin goes to put the blindfold on and Brian shuts his eyes without hesitating or having to be asked. There’s just something terribly moving and tender in that image and it says a lot about Brian and Justin together. In fact it’s very fitting that this chapter focuses so much on the physical intimacy between them, because I can’t think of a better way for Justin to demonstrate his tenderness and love for Beautiful or for Beautiful to accept that love and trust in it…

 

*I sound all mushy!! I’m never, ever mushy – I blame you for this!!* *big smile*

Author's Response:

Ah ha! Now I have completed my mission -- to make Minoloushe mushy!  Well, I guess this was the final chapter then!! (LOL!!!!) 

I think it's interesting to consider whether this is the full integration of Beautiful. I don't think it is; it's the full inhabitation of Beautiful. It's the first time that Beautiful has been entirely and fully expressed, I think. Perhaps that does necessarily mean that an integration of sorts has taken place... I guess I was thinking mostly that integration would require some degree of "publicness" for Beautiful.

Once I started referencing the early chapters I did have this fleeting, rather panicked thought -- "Is this the last chapter of the story!?!" -- because it seemed suddenly so "full circle". Don't worry; it's not the end. But it definitely had that sort of "completion" to some of the early issues. I'm glad that it added to the chapter for readers, as well. 

Okay -- for all the talk I've done to you about being amazed at how so much can be read into the story (for the better!!!), I now have to confess. I did basically know right around the time of the "Believe" chapter -- maybe just a few days / chapters later -- that Beautiful would be his sub name. This one really has been a long time coming! :)  There is only one other tiny, tiny little theme that goes back almost as far (and which hasn't shown up at all in over 10 chapters I think)... one more to "finish", in a sense. And I will, in a few chapters. 

*sighs contentedly* I loved the moment where Beautiful sees the blindfold and closes his eyes, too. I am so happy that this little moment caught your eye, too. :) (you as the Eternal Reader!). :)

Oh, and thanks for your compliment on the sex scenes. They're oddly easy to write, though I think other people are exponentially better at it than I am. :)

Wowww this was more than beautiful, I'm speechless too.
Hmm too bad we can't rate more than 10, it's definitely more to the worth of a 12. (hmm is that good english!? sorry)

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Awww, thank you so much. That is so sweet... I'm so very happy that you liked the chapter so much! (And stop worrying about your English! For the last time!!!!! :) ). 

*hugs back!!* 

thanks so much! really enjoyed this chapter.

Author's Response:

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! :)

the tenderness justin showed him was amazing. it isn't always commands and roughness. he wants more than anything for brian to FEEL the love he has for him not just know it. at least that's what i got out of it.

the birthday book should reinforce to him how everyone sees him. what he means to them. that yes he is loved by more than just justin and gus.

Author's Response:

That's exactly what I was trying to portray, so I'm delighted that's what came through -- Justin wanted to reinforce the tenderness that he would treat Beautiful with so that Brian would know how much he loves him.

And the birthday book is reinforcing his identity as Beautiful in the wider world, which is still going to be a struggle for him to accept, but this will be a big support of that. :)

Thanks so much for your thoughts!!

Wow, just...wow.

The sex was fucking hot, and I might have to steal some of it, or at least let myself get inspired by it for 'Moon and Master' I hope that is ok :)

I love how Brian fell right into his role as soon as he accepted it, how he gave Justin the power so easily, that was beautiful.

I'm glad Justin gave him the book, I think he needed it then, needed to know that there are people who love him.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much!! 

Feel free to steal away! I'm just glad the scene worked out (6 pages of one sex scene gets to be sort of a risk...if it doesn't work, then the whole chapter is going down with it, I think!) 

Yeah, I think the moment they got inside from Dr. Stevenson's, Beautiful really wanted to be "out" so to speak. Once in the chair, that was very easy and natural.  Giving him the book now also seemed the most natural thing to do, and somewhat metaphorical of another sort of birthday. 

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of Moon and Master, so I guess we're even. :) Thanks again for the review!

Poor Brian and his little hissy fit – very cute :)

 

I agree with the comments made by HalfTime1030 that Justin is emotionally dominant within their relationship through the series. Brian’s statement that “it’s your call where you want to be, you decide” in ep 220 positions Justin as the decision maker in their relationship. And while Brian may have forced the issue, it is never-the-less Justin who is at least superficially in control when he leaves with Ian at the Rage party. That’s a pattern which is consistently repeated in canon throughout season 4 and 5.

 

Gina Marie also raises a really interesting point about the role of labeling and rules in the relationship between Brian and Justin [I loved your review GM by the way!]. My argument would be that Brian does in fact consistently label his relationship with Justin in canon and that it’s only non-conventional in the sense that it’s defined by, and set up in direct opposition to, (perceived) heterosexual norms. The limits, rules and constraints Brian puts on his relationship with Justin in the series are all about what Brian understands by his identification as “queer” and more specifically by what it means to be a gay man. For Brian, being something other than an “imitation heterosexual” or a “stepford fag” means rejection of monogamy, marriage, suburbia and “breeding” in the sense of a nuclear family. So in canon I don’t think he and Justin really do live by their own rules – rather they live by the rules and within the limitations Brian has used to construct and define himself.

 

Having said all of that, I see the explicit labeling of the B/J relationship as D/s in chapters 49 and 50 of WNWM as the exact opposite of the limitations Brian puts on himself and Justin in canon. The canon constraints directly affect the growth and development of their relationship – Brian’s notion of what is and isn’t acceptable as “queer” have the effect of constraining or defining what the relationship can be. In contrast, the labeling of the B/J relationship as D/s doesn’t function as a limitation because the dynamic is already there. They are already in a type of D/s relationship whether it’s labeled or not. Within that context the act of labeling becomes a means of understanding or exploring how their relationship works, rather than a framework which defines what it is. I see Justin’s reference to a potential contract as partially derived from his own excitement, but also because he knows that Brian feels more comfortable with clear relationship rules and boundaries (as referenced in earlier chapters). So in that sense a contract and safeword aren’t necessarily about conventionality but aspects of what works for Brian and Justin as individuals and within their relationship. Great chapter!!

Author's Response:

It was irresistibly fun writing that tantrum scene.  Even now I smile thinking of it. Definitely something I want to do again! 

It's amazing to me how many ways it can be analyzed as either canonical or not. I can see it either way. Providing the names does give Brian additional security, I'm sure of that, and  might help him to be more comfortable in his role. .. 

I'm awfully glad you liked the chapter!!! (And that you're caught up for the posting of 51!!).  Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks!!!

I think you already know most my thoughts the issues in this chapter by now!  I wasn’t exactly nervous about reading this, but one of the parts I love most about WNWM is that the D/s elements are character / relationship driven. That the D/s develops out of the dynamic between Brian and Justin, rather than being something that’s necessarily explicit or that they’ve actively sought out because it’s sexually intriguing (as the initial motivation). So I was wondering if by making it more obvious in this chapter that subtlety would be lost. It wasn’t – I really, really liked the way it was explored in session with Dr Stevenson. The questions he put to Brian and Justin didn’t make it seem too sudden, but rather teased out the “secret knowledge” which Justin has previously mentioned and Brian has gradually become aware of. I loved that Brian was initially hesitant to discuss it while Justin was more confident; I thought that was really consistent with their behaviours generally. Especially because Brian only became comfortable enough to openly acknowledge his feelings once he and Justin were in physical contact and sharing the same chair (you’ve heard my thoughts on the idea of Brian’s use of “physical communication” ad infinitum already). I also think that the initial hesitancy both Brian and Justin have in discussing it with Dr Stevenson has nothing to do with their discomfort about the relationship itself. Rather that because it’s a dynamic that developed “naturally”, out of their day-to-day lives, it’s simply strange to start trying to explain it or attach labels to it; possibly also because the D/s aspect of their relationship is so strongly linked to intimate, domestic moments between them (such as the chair and Brian’s “hour”) that it feels like discussing it with a third party is an invasion of their shared emotional space on some level. In that context sharing the same chair in therapy become even more significant because it references their domestic intimacy. The examples both Brian and Justin gave Dr Stevenson in trying to explore the dynamic of their relationship wonderfully take up the various plot points of earlier chapters. They are the perfect stepping stones for bringing us to this point. I loved that Dr Stevenson’s own unfamiliarity / uncertainty gives the readers an entry point into exploring how Brian and Justin function as a unit. The personality of Dr Stevenson was very strong and I felt like I got a better sense of him as a character than from the earlier chapters. It all came together like a beautiful and intricate puzzle, and I loved it!

Author's Response:

I'm glad it didn't lose all of its subtlety and become "clunky"... I agree that their initial hesitance was not really due to the D/s side of things. I think it was heavily influenced by the fact that they were in a public office, and as you say, only once they were physically reunited could they explore the topic. Dr. Stevenson's choice to simply accumulate the evidence from past session discussions helped a great deal because then nothing was exactly a revelation, since it had been said before in the same space.

Yeah, when I realized how Dr. Stevenson knew about so many plot points, that's when I knew just how to resolve the "D/s reveal" problem! Suddenly it seemed so simple, especially because I'd always intended him to discuss it with them at some point (just not necessarily so very early on). 

Thanks so much, though thanks is certainly not enough............. *smiles*

Oh Brian... His father was such an ass. This chapter wasn't easy to read, but it sounded authentic. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Author's Response:

"Authentic" is about the best an author can hope for, so thanks so much!!! :)

Ah, this is very interesting. You have the stand-in mother urging confrontation with the absent mother. The fact that Brian often mockingly refers to Debbie as “Mother” would indicate he does see her as a quasi-parental figure. I’ve always oscillated in my views about Debbie. There’s something admirable in the way she deals with the world. Yet at the same time she can be so self-centered it drives me to distraction. By this I don’t mean selfish, but rather that she seems almost incapable of seeing a situation through anything but her own views and opinions. Critical analysis is a concept unknown to Debbie. So it’s interesting to look at her interaction with Brian here. I think she controls her bossiness pretty well, to be honest. You’ve really captured the same flavour between her and Brian as the post-Stockwell sell-off in this chapter – she does have that more gentle, caring side.

 

So it’s not that I think she’s an unkind person or that she doesn’t care for Brian – she clearly does. But throughout the series she seemed to run hot and cold depending on her own emotions and with little regard for him. In this chapter we have her recalling Brian seeking sanctuary in her home as a teenager, yet she’s the same one who hit him after Vic died, consistently called him an asshole (okay, so maybe sometimes that was justified but still) and didn’t do much to actively seek to stop the abuse even though she was aware of it. She pulls a face at the mention of Joan but still thought it worth telling Joan to go and see Brian after learning of Brian’s cancer. I don’t know…but setting yourself up in the role of a quasi-parent and then being as fickle as she can be, it’s not exactly helpful. To put it mildly. I can’t help feeling that Brian should take Debbie’s own advice about telling off his “mother” and apply it her, because at least some of the same issues he has with Joan must be there with Debbie.

 

I know there’s so much else going on with this chapter that I haven’t even touched on – I’ve been carried away by theorizing about Debbie!!! I loved the vignettes that are going in the memory book, I loved Brian’s dig at Justin by calling him “Dr Stevenson” and telling him that he needs Justin to be his partner not a therapist (especially that!!), I loved Justin giving Brian the strength to decide to confront Joan. This was a really great and challenging chapter.

Author's Response:

** is far too happy that the post-Stockwell Deb/Brian interaction was drawn up**. I love that scene. I agree that there's a certain amount of ways in which Debbie's behavior and attitude contradict her words (for the worse).  I think the idea of exploring Brian's issues with Deb definitely could have some interesting consequences. *rubs hands together at the thought*.  One thing I really like about Debbie is that she is (even though in rare times) persistent  in acknowledging...okay bear with me ... acknowledging Beautiful. She has that persistence, when she wants to, to keep trying to reach him. She doesn't let herself get pushed over easily by his every rebuke (not that she doesn't have a fickle side). 

I knew you'd enjoy the "Dr. Stevenson" quip. :)

Amazing... if you think about it..they have been drifting into a sort of dominate /submissive role with some of their "coping" techniques... restraints..etc.. but... I am worried that one of the reasons that Brian... is willing to "submit" himself.. to Justin's  "Guidance" and decision making... is to make up for the fact that Brian never received... Love, Guidance, Nurturing.. from his parents when he was little and needed it most.... and as crazy as it may seem... I think their new "relationship"  is just a substitue for Jack and Joanie with a twist..

Author's Response:

*smiles* I just finished my little dissertation to you on this subject, but I'll summarize for everyone: 

This is a really, really good point. I never really thought or wanted this to convolute their relationship with Brian/Joanie's relationship or anything.... Justin's role will basically be to support the decisions that Brian finds difficult to make emotionally (i.e., to support "Beautiful"), so he won't be doing just what Justin wants... it'll be much more collaborative, but Justin will help Brian do what he knows he should (as Brian talked about the decision to call in from work as one he probably wouldn't have made but knew he should have, in "Unspoken Words."). 

Rest assured I'm thinking a lot about this and I hope Dr. Stevenson will help me figure it all out! Thanks so much for getting me thinking about this; I certainly want to be careful not to twist this into something unintended! :) 

Very good chapter exploring the depths of Brian's feelings on a sensitive subject. I'm amused with wonder what is next for them now.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much-- it was hard to get him to open up so much. .. 

I don't think things will change as much as you might expect... but I guess you'll have to keep reading *evil smile*. Thanks so much for reading and I hope your year is off to a great start!

No need to be nervous! *hugs* Oh - a happy new year! *hugs again*

Just read this chapter - and it's wonderful! And I have to go on reading... *gg* And you know how much I love your story - so I hope there will be much more of you this year! *blows kisses*

Author's Response:

Aww, thanks so much! I hate to think where I'd be without all your encouragement! :) 

It will be interesting to see what type of memories the family come up with and how curious they are about Brian’s reaction. It raises the issue about how much the new Brian aka Beautiful will be integrated with the world outside of therapy and Justin (it’s all your fault  thatI’ve started thinking about him as Brian v. Beautiful lol).

 

There was so much I enjoyed about this chapter – Brian’s growing awareness of relinquishing control to Justin, his concern over Justin’s ability to cope and reference to the street bowling scene following Jack’s death. I think the concern Brian expresses about Justin ties up with some of the anger he felt over the monitoring of his drinking. Because in both this chapter and the last we get to see just how desperate Brian was to escape, how soul destroying his family’s dysfunction was. It makes sense that he’d fear one day seeing Justin brought to the same place. Justin’s response that it’s simply “natural” for him to take care of Brian is lovely – I think it’s also very reassuring to Brian. I always hated that with the chicken soup scene Justin phrased it as “standing by a commitment” (paraphrasing). It sounded like he was making something of a martyr of himself, even though his actions indicated that wasn’t at all how he felt. Which leads us straight on to….St Joan.

 

I’m definitely in the camp that thinks it may be beneficial for Brian to confront Joan. Not only because it gives rise to lots of lovely, potential angst but because sometimes in the absence of a confrontation, you just end up having an imaginary dialogue in your head which becomes increasingly melodramatic, unsatisfying and obsessive. Okay, so what I’m about to say will probably not be popular *ducks flying objects* but my feeling is that unlike Brian’s father, Joan does have some residual type of love for Brian. Yes, she’s cold, homophobic, angry and bitter but…I don’t know. I think you can only have that type of anger or hate if you care about someone – her attitude is not one of indifference. We see a reasonable amount of her throughout seasons 1 – 5 and on many of those occasions, it appears that Brian and Joan are still trying to maintain some sort of tenuous relationship (usually with disastrous results, but still). The scene in the church especially comes to mind, where Joan indicated that she may have attempted to draw Jack’s anger to herself to avoid it being focused on Brian *sighs* Although who the hell knows whether that’s simply a self-justifying tale she’s created so that she could live with things. But it certainly leaves room for interpretation. Oh, and the ending scene with Brian pushing his finger into the scar on his wrist? Loved it *flails*

Author's Response:

No, it's *your* fault that I started thinking in terms of Brian v. Beautiful! *laughing*... 

Um - I guess I'm not breaking any news with this -- but that exact issue of a "public Beautiful" and the support that Brian would need to accomplish that is one good "outcome" of dealing with the D/s side. Justin can make sure that this is balanced well for the difficult confrontations. 

I agree, that comment of Justin's is off-putting for the reasons you mentioned. Maybe he was trying to shield Brian from having to discuss it in another way. I have no idea... 

I've thought about that inner dialog aspect; you'll see that Dr. Stevenson warns them about something similar -- a post-hoc reconstruction of the conversation that usually becomes increasingly "altered the more it is remembered. *is starting to get nervous about writing this confrontation scene!* 

I sort of agree about canon Joan. Which makes me think I sort of messed up WNWM-Joan.  Well...sort of. *Takes a deep breath* I guess we'll have to see what words I end up putting in her mouth, huh!? *smiles!* 

Thank you..I loved that ending too and was hoping someone would mention it *blushes*

Once I saw the warning I was a tad afraid to read. As I told you before, I know how Brian feels. Also, my friend is a rape counselor so I definetley know Brian's actions, are not unbelievable. You definetley had me tearing up, I mean, it's Brian!Everything stated is so believable, you had me sitting here like, "O.O..wow." That incident with his coach, Brian's "first" time always made me quirk a brow. So I like where this story is going becase you're just being more different, more divergent from canon(ahem, tv plot). I like that you're still refering to things within the actual shows plot, it makes everything just more believable.

I wonder how Brian will behave, how Justin will. This is a big revelation and I know different people react differently to these kinds of revelations. It really depends on the personality and how well someone can face themselves. Most days, I just want to block out the truth, even though I know I can't. This just enhances my thought that Brian always has more going on than what's seen and it takes a diligent person (like the Doc or Justin) to keep showing how they care, becase due to all he's been through it'll take time.Thanks for such a good, thought-provoking chapter and I'm very excited for the next chapter! :)

 

Author's Response:

Thank you so much for your thoughts... It was really hard to decide how they would react. In a way, I think chapter 43 ended up possibly too emotional. That's probably my tendency, especially in this fic. I hope it comes out realistic too. 

Justin's diligence is a wonderful trait, isn't it? And he definitely will need it in the next couple of chapters to help Brian see another side of himself.  I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter and it'll be worth the wait. :)

Phew what a chapter,  Brian struggling with a memory that he had buried and changed to suit himself so that he could live with it. I am worried for Justin all this stripping bare of Brian's walls is hurting Brian and by association Justin. The cumalative effect on them both is evident in Brian's comment "is there enough of me left after this"

Another powerful chapter in keeping with this wonderful fic.

Thanks Chris

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! That's exactly it -- I imagined that Brian was trying to normalize his experience so it wouldn't hurt so much and he wouldn't feel like he was the victim again...only since he was, this was just denying his feelings, too. Thanks for your thoughts and kind words!