I actually agree with Gina Marie. The love we saw in the show and in this story is unbalanced. Despite the asshole-ish thing that Brian did to Justin numerous times, Brian really loves Justin whole heartly and he never gave up that love. Justin did, time and time again. There is just not enough for Justin to fully commit himself. I don't know if it is the actual storyline or it is because of other reason outside the show, I always felt that in S4 and S5, Justin's heart was not totally in it. Something was missing. Maybe it is part of growing up. When Brian said "It's only time". I can understand the doubt he has with the relationship. I would too if I were him.  There are indeed so much about Brian that Justin doesn't understand. Cyn nailed it with the fact that Brian never cried in front of Justin. Another thing I noticed in Cyn's story is Justin has been referred to as "the kid" numerous times. Gina Marie is right. It's about time that Justin grows up to be a man, a real equal to Brian, instead of just being JT to Rage.

Author's Response:

Thank you for your comment, Hon.  And I suppose it's pretty obvious that I agree with you.  I do believe that both Brian and Justin love each other - deeply, truly, endlessly - but the differences in their lives and their experiences make it difficult for them to come together and overcome what life has done to them.  That's what I'm hoping to do in this story = eentually, but, in order to get to that point, there's a lot of crap that must be endured and resolved.

Hope you continue to enjoy.

CYN

The last part is what  I was more interested  in…What get me is that there is always some die heart Brian Kenny fan in the review that believe that Brian can’t do no wrong  well to each his/her own. While brain was being a real jack ass, I wonder if he realize how much he reviled his feeling about Justin leaving those many time. Knowing Justin he going to let brain and the other’s think he’s very hurt by brian words but when the time is right he going be the bad ass that show brain and the other’s that side of him that say don’t fuck with me I’m not the weak man you think I am. This is the shit…….

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for speaking up and I'm glad to get your input.  I'm always delighted and amazed at how differently people see these incredible characters, and how their actions can be interpreted so many different ways.  I do believe that Justin is very strong, but I also always remember that he's very young, and that impacts so much of what happens between these two lovely individuals.

Thanks again for your comment.

CYN

I really don't know if I can take any more angst. God, Brian is a mean man :)

Author's Response:

Brian always does what he must, and sometimes, being mean is the only thing that works.  Thanks for your comment.

CYN

Another brilliant chapter!  My heart broke for both Brian and Justin, but I guess it had to be done.  Now it is time for Justin to prove how much he loves Brian; not the other way around.  I am looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds. 

Author's Response:

Thanks, Hon.  As I quipped to someone on another site, it's QAF - not Mary Poppins, so readers shouldn't expect sweetness and light.  Hope you continue to read and comprehend.

CYN

I'm crying

Feroza

Author's Response:

Thanks so much.  Pithy is always welcome, and I'm delighted to know that it's touching you.

CYN

I was about to go to bed when I saw the update and stayed up to finish reading. Now I am not sure I can fall asleep knowing what Brian did to Justin. I have so many questions in my head. What did he say to Drew? Is he going to cut ties with Justin and Gus completely in order to protect them? Is he just pushing everyone he loves away? In the back of my mind, I still have a lot of faith in Justin that he will be able to regain his strength and not give up.

I can feel the happiness and the pain when Brian thought about that last night at Britin. That's really heart-breakingly beautiful :_(

Author's Response:

I have virtually no time for responses this week, but just wanted to say a big thanks for taking the time to comment.  Your support means so much to me.

CYN

Excellent chapter...wonderful way to end it. Praise from La Kinney is always earned indeed!

So, Turnage is thinking that Brian will be his masterpiece...that may end up being true...but it's doubtful the mona lisa gave DaVinci as much shit as Brian is going to give Turnage.

I was bothered by Justin's absence until you mentioned where he was, and I was immediately suspicious because it was such a poor excuse...looking forward to that. I'm sure he also needs to make sure his family is safe as well.

I like the addition of Lindsay's father into the mix, and since you are being much more sympathetic to Lindsay than I usually feel, it's good to give her an additional ally. Believable dynamice between them too.

The gang in Brian's room...sigh...you ripped a scene right out of the serie's book. Behaving badly with little regard to who overhears things was always a pet peeve of mine. Not only because they were told Brian was no longer in a coma which means he could be listening to what was being said around him, but just the petty meaness in general.

You made a good point in an earlier response that even to the serie's end, so many "friends" had to gloat a little at Brian's expense.

Cynthia is the perfect POA and it makes total sense that he would trust her so implicitly. She was the most constant presence in his life when you think about it, and she has no hidden agenda in making these decisions for him.

Thought-provoking as always...thanks for writing this lovely fic.

 

Hey Cyn, me again.  :-) 

I read your response to my comment and had to tell you I agree. Brian's 'friends' were always envious of Brian and were often gleeful when he was 'brought low', so to speak.  The examples you gave portray their pettiness perfectly.  However, for me, Ted was the one who shocked me most in this chapter because in the show I believed he grew past that.  When Brian had cancer, Ted was anything but gleeful.  He was there for Brian.  After that, (I'm going on memory here so I could be wrong) I don't believe Ted ever showed that pettiness or envy again.  I just felt it was ooc for Ted to be reverted back to season 2 ted, when he was happy that Justin left Brian.

Also, though his friends often reveled in Brian's failures, it just goes beyond the pale for Mel, (and I'm with you, she's a cunt) to voice that it was some how'poetic' justic what they did to Brian because he was too vain, arrogant, whatever.  I expect it from her, but for Ted to jump on that bandwagon, then for Michael to stand by and say nothing was an eye opener for me. And I hope it is for Brian.  Are they redeemable? I don't know.  This situation is not simply Brian being humliated, or ruined financially, or even 'nearly' losing his life. He was tortured and mutulated. I just don't see Brian viewing his so called friends the same anymore after hearing them 'gloat' about his predictamint and suggest that it was some how, 'poetic justice' that this happened to him. I know Lins gets how despictable they are and Cynthia, (who never liked them anyway) and I doubt Justin would EVER forgive them if he heard what was going on in that room!

Speaking of Justin, I know you are developing that character (and very well too) so I'm sure there is more to him going to pick up his mother then just giving her a lift.  I can't wait to see where you take his character!  I find his character to particularly intriguing as he gives you so much to work with.  He's growing and learning.  He's not like the other characters who have already been formed by years of behavior, mostly bad behaviors.  Justin's pretty much a clean slate.  A young man discovering his own strenght, who he is.

Anyway, again, thanks for this amazing, thought provoking story!

Author's Response:

And another lovely, thought-provoking comment, that helps me focus on where I need to clarify and concentrate. 

You are right in pointing out that Ted had come a long way in maturing in his relationship with Brian, although I don't think he'd completely managed to overcome his jealousy.  In support of my view, I would just mention the way he and Emmett informed Brian that Justin had moved in with Ben and Michael. I thought there was a bit of vindictiveness in the "He's moved along, picked himself up, yada, yada."  And also in the observation that they hadn't expected to see him that night.  Not nearly as snarky and nasty as earlier in the series, when they were so tickled by him losing Justin, or so quick to dismiss his feelings in so many different situations - but still not 100% there.

On the other hand, there is another facet to this story that has not yet been made completely clear.  Up until this time - with the publication of the bloody tabloid - only Emmett, of all the group, had really gotten a look at the damage done to Brian.  None of them had a clue, except for what Emmett had said, of just how bad it was, and they are now going to be consumed with guilt for indulging their customary snarkiness.  That will be a factor in the story too, impacting all of them, even Melanie, who is, you bet, a cunt but even she has her limits.

Thanks again and again for your interest and your lovely commentary.

CYN

Thanks for this wonderful story. 

 

I am not going to vent against the Pitts. family or what ever they are called.  I think Lindsay did enough for me as well as another Reviewer. 

 

I love the detail you put into the story.  It is almost as if I was there instead of just being a reader.  The story is moving along fast enough for me. 

 

I too can hardly wait for Justin to arrive.  I wonder what emotion we will see from Brian.  Anger, as what the hell is he doing here putting himself in danger.  Also, so happy

to see him.  I guess both.

 

I just want to again put in a plug for Dr. Keller.  I hope he gets a little more than the satisfaction of helping to put Brian together again.  He is a great character. 

 

One more thing, thank you Cynthia for telling those two Technicians or whatever the hell they are, off.  They are  as low as you can get.

 

That’s it for now.

 

Thanks again for the story,

DavidR

 

 

Author's Response:

Thanks you so much for your kind words, David, and for keying in on something that I really enjoyed.  I tend to react strongly to the characters in this drama - good or bad - but I can honestly say that I've rarely in my life despised ANYBODY more than those two cunty pretentious cretins, and one of my biggest disappointments in the show was that nobody ever told them off.  So it was my pleasure.  And I too am fond of Matt Keller, and still feeling my way toward giving him a bigger part of the action.

Thanks again for your interest.

CYN

Wow. This chapter is really angsty. But I feel relieved to see that there are some people really love and care Brian, like Cynthia, Emmett and Lindsay, well, I think if Justin hear those craps, he will do the same thing.

I really love some original characters in your story. Sure Dr. Kellr is my biggest star now. And I kind of like Trunage.According to your description, maybe he is a supercillious, self-absorbed prick, I believe he must be as honest as Brian. And I feel there should be some really hilarious interactions/battles between him, Dr. Keller and Brian. Anyway, this is your work. I believe you can develop a good story from this character. 

 

And in this chapter, I think the most touching section is the converation between Lins and his father. I really feel warm about the father's love toward the daughter.

As for Mel, I kind of hate her now. When I was watching the tv show, I only feel her kind of annoying. But now, I can't understand why under such circumstance, shestill feel jealous about Lins and Brian. It's understandable for Lins to take Gus to see his father. I think if she really loves Lins, she should support Lins rahter than behaving so bithy.

And I am not very sure how can we define the relationship between Lins and Brian. I once read a post in a forum. It says that Lins and Brian are like Windy and Peter Pan. They met each other when they were  young and beautiful, in the "seasons of sun". And time passes by, although they grow old in age, when they recall the life they shared together, they will feel that kind of youth again. When they are together, it seems that they will forever young.But anyway, this is only my understanding on their relationship. I'd like to read your story on the part of Lindsay in the coming chapters. And I think If Mel still behaves like this, Lins should leave her. 

 

All in all, I am looking forward to your next fabulous update.

Author's Response:

Lovely observation about Lindsey and Brian's relationship, and I think that's very accurate.  Although we did see hints throughout the series that Lindsey would have been willing to allow the relationship to develop to something deeper, had Brian been willing, I think she would eventually have come to realize that it could never work between them.  Still, her occasional lapses and regrets - and lovely poignant moments such as the look on her face whenever Brian claims that she loves him more than Melanie - add a rich texture to the story.  I do think they have a very special love, one that Melanie has never been able to tolerate or understand, but I also think Lindsey sometimes lets her need for him and her desiers get in the way of being completely honest in her evaluation of his life.  Sometimes, she sees what she wants to see - exactly the same way the rest of their friends do.

I hope you will continue to enjoy.

And yes, Turnage is every bit as brutally honest as Brian, so their interactions should prove interesting.  I hope.

CYN

"I wish Justin would have been there. I'm surprised he wasn't.  He couldn't send a car to pick up his mother? I would think after his 'declaration' of love, and never leaving Brian again, he'd want to be there when Brian finally woke up.  I'd think after what happened, he'd be afraid to leave Brian's side for a minute."

I too was very surprised that Justin was not part of this chapter.  I have to agree with Gina Marie's comments about Justin.  I was thinking as I was reading that this is one of the most dramatic chapters I've read in a long time expect for no Justin.  All I could think about as I got to the end of the chapter was Justin choosing to be with his mother instead of Brian left me feeling like he wasn't that concerned about Brian and took away from the pleasure of the chapter.  I was not feeling the B/J love at all.  His mother is a grown women she can take a cab or be picked up by someone else.  She doesn't need Justin Brian does.  Considering the circumstances I find it disturbing that he was gone from the hospital for that long and wasn't back with Brian as fast as he could.  There is no indication in the chapter that he even checked on Brian while he was gone. His actions here do not match his declaration of undying love.

Don't get me wrong.  The chapter was good and well written, very dramatic and intense but that one element of Justin not being there when Brian woke up made it feel out of sync with the last chapter and Justin's declarations of love.  He almost wasn't there at all and it left a hole in the story for me. 

Sorry I rambled so much about that but I couldn't quite get it to come out the way I wanted.  I don't want it to come across as a criticism of the story because it's not... just a readers observation. 

I really liked Lindsay, Cynthia and Emmett.  I was pleasantly surprised that Lindsay stood up to the group.  And Cynthia... what a treasure she is. I really like her in this story.  I am looking forward to the next chapter.  

 

Author's Response:

Please don't apologize.  I love rambling comments.  And your are right to question Justin's absence.  But it is not, I promise you, because he doesn't want to be there, or because he didn't mean the things he said to Brian.  There are yet to be revealed circumstances which will account for his absence - and it won't last long.  I promise.

And I'm glad you're liking Cynthia.  I always thought she had huge potential as a character and as a confidant for Brian, who, when you think of it, never really had one; he was always too busy protecting the people he cared about to burden them with his private thoughts and confidences.

CYN

Best damn fic to come down the pike in a very long time. Very believable character growth for B/J. Brian would be well served if most of the "family" could be held at bay...individually and collectively their presence/influence upon Brian is toxic.
I suspect the shell bracelet is part of Brian and Kellers' past, yet the Doc did not not acknowledge its' presence.....so maybe not.
Thanks for sharing your talent.
It has been a very long time since I have awaited a new fic posting with such eager anticipation.
A fan.

Loved the new chapter and of course I want more!

I really like the way Matt Keller cares about Brian and protects him, so much that he is willing to call someone with whom he clearly doesn't have a good relationship just because it would be good for Brian.

The meeting between Matt and Justin was interesting: big match of characters there. Matt is clearly someone who wants things his way, but Justin is nothing less, he stops at nothing when it comes to Brian.

I can't wait for Brian to wake up and for the first talk with Justin.

I also really like your portrayal of Emmett in this fiction.

I hope to read more soon!

NOW THAT WAS THE SHIT,  I would have love to see justin geting into bed with Brain, now that what I call fucking true LOVE.

So much to say about this chapter!  Again, beautifully written, and well executed.  The stars in this one are of course, Justin and Kellar! Wow! Love to see more interaction between them two!  Justin climbing in bed with Brian...so touching!  Our little boy is growing up it seems...Life does that to us.  

Another fantastic chapter which just keeps leavng me wanting more!  Thank you so much for the weekly updates, and for the time and care you take in producing each chapter.   All the new characters are exciting.  I can't wait to meet this plastic surgeon and see the sparks fly between him and Kellar!  I have a feeling Justin is now going to take over.  Well, with Cynthia's help of course.  Brian's 'good right hand'.  Aptly put.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this story!

Hi there. I've never tired commenting on this site before, but your story is so compelling and so well written that I simply had to. Your telling of the brutality committed against Brian was horrifying - and I mean that as the highest of compliments. I am a big fan of the angsty/hurt fiction and this is absolutely one of the best I've read. I found myself holding my breath so many times over these last few chapters. Just... wow. Can't wait to hear Justin start shouting.

Bravo!

Thanks for the new chapter! You've become one of my favourite writers in the fandom, your story is amazing and your style is so great to read. I love your long description and the way you take the reader into your universe.

I loved Justin in this chapter, the way he just wants to reach Brian no matter how. And I really liked you had Steven understand and help him. Most writers would have probably made Steven get in the way as much as he could, but your choice to have him help Justin is so much more powerful.

I can't wait for Justin to reach Brian. I hope the next chapter comes soon, you left us with no news on what's going on with Brian!

Author's Response:

What a lovely thing to say, and I am enormously grateful.

The next chapter is coming along, and I hope to post this week=end.  And I'm glad you liked my interpretation of Steven.  My take is that he really does love Justin, but that he always knew, even when he pretended he didn't, that Justin would never get over Brian.  I do think that people who love deeply always feel such things.  It's one of the primary driving forces of true tragedy.

Hope you continue to enjoy.

CYN

NICE …..That’s MY Justin  do what you have to do to get back to your man and who ever get in your way tell them to fuck off big time  whether it Michael or Lindsey and even  if  Brain  try to push ,     Justin better push back hard .

Author's Response:

Yes, we are beginning to see the real Justin.  I don't think he's there quite yet.  He's still not allowing himself to face the ultimate truth - that he almost lost Brian, and that there are no guarantees that a person can always go back and reclaim what they left behind.  But he will, and I think he'll make us all proud.

Thanks for your comment.

CYN

first, I hope you're feeling better!  You have to be careful with the flu this year.  stay warm, and lots of rest and fluids!

Again, another great chapter.  It's too bad it took something like this to happen to Brian to make Justin realize whats truly important to him.  Brian's coma induced dreams were very telling.  And I have to say, made me dislike Justin, immensely. However, I do understand Justin's actions over the past several years.  We, (me) tend to forget that Justin was just 17 when he fell in love with Brian.  He had a lot to learn, and one only learns through trial and error. Justin made a lot of errors through his trials but learned a lot of lessons along the way.

I believe the reason he keeps leaveing Brian is because deep inside, he believes that he would never, could never, really ever lose Brian for good. He took for granted that Brian and he would always together.   Now, after this incident, he's not taking anything for granted anymore. 

It also breaks my heart to hear Lindsy thoughts.  She too is becoming to realize what shits the family have been to Brian.  Always judging his life, telling him how he should live his life, yet going on wiht their own lifes with no thought to how he felt about their decisions. Like moving to Canada, taking his son away from him.  I'm glad Lins remembered how she chastised Brian for wanting to leave his family to go to NY, yet she just up and left her family when it suited her.  Hypocritcal bitch!  Yet, she isn't all bad if she is coming to terms with her own past sins.  (though it doesn't stop her from still putting her hand out for money.  Why does she need to stay in a hotel?  Deb can't put her up? Or Ben and Michael?)

Again, great chapter. Lots to think about.   Get well soon! And as always, I will be anxiously awaitng your next update.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much, Hon.  It's always wonderful to receive such thoughtful commentary from such a gifted writer.  And I'm delighted that you are picking up on the clues I'm dropping.  I agree completely that Justin had a lot to learn, from the beginning, and he did do some things that caused Brian a l;ot of distress.  But I always believed it was from ignorance and inexperience, rather than deliberate malice.  The malice - the blaming Brian fro everything yet being perfectly willing to use him whenever the need arose, came from the other characters in the series.  Justin just didn't know any better, but he did learn as he went along, although he still retained a quality that I found disturbing.  Like you, I do believe he always believed that Brian would always be there for him; he used that to allow him to explore other options, while holding on to Brian as teh bedrock of his existence.  Even in this story, he still has not quite realized that there are no guarantees - that Brian, no matter how strong and invincible -- might be taken from him.  He needs to learn that, and I hope he will, so that the two of them can learn and grow together.

And you are so right about Lindsey and the rest of the crew.  Can't tell you how much it pissed me off when they were all so quick to dismiss the value of Brian's dreams (like going to New York) when they forgot all about him when the shoe was on the other foot.  Hopefully, they are all going to learn some valuable lessons soon.

Hope you continue to enjoy and follow along.

CYN

I just read it again...

... and I think my brain is playing tricks on me. It's to dangerous to think about Brian and Justin right now, so I started thinking about Dr. Keller.

I'd hate to mess with your story but I'll just reduce it to saying how much I starting to like Matt. I feel so much sorrow for him and Daniel, I wish they would not have been broken up by their tragity. I wish Matt could find his love again, it's not healthy to shut down and just be the mean genius... although ofcourse that will save Brian...

I'm off to bed, It's night time on my side of the wonder ball.

<3 Edda

I'm speechless.  Seriously, I don't know where to begin but I have to say something!  Ok, first, what amazing imagery you weave to bring to live such mudane places and situations!  Little things like the scene in the Chiefs office, with the smoke billowing around the occupants, coming from the Chiefs cigar(cigarette?) while the no smoking sign goes ignored. Brilliant way of telling us something about the character without having to go into details. It tells us he's a man who lives by his own rules and does things for his own reasons.  Loved that.  And the scene in the ICU, how you describe the inneer workings of that place was very illuminating.  And of course Justin's scene on the balcony.  Surrounded by all that natural beauty, including the 'beauty' standing on the balcony next to his. (sooo Justin by the way. It's why he and Brian are so perfect together. Many think they are so opposite, but when it comes to sex, most people don't realize how alike they are. Both vivacious in their hungers for it.  Only Justin, imo, is more likely to want monogomy simply because he's a greedy selfish bastard who is use to getting the best, and who's better than Brian? lol)

The fiddler is behind this?  NO! I cannot believe it!  Something is very amiss here.  I think who ever is behind it hacked into the fiddler's account to send that image to shield their  true identity.  Ethan was bad, but a vicious psychopath?  I don't think so.  Plus, like Karl said, this shit has been brewing since the bombing. That was never sloved.  I'm glad the Chief agreed to bring the feds into this, and I can't wait to meet this new character, Alexandra!

I love the way you not only stick to cannon, but give your interpertation of why things happened in the show. Like Michaels feelings about Brian and why he acted like he did. Having him acknowledge his own jealously, his love. Like Lins said, that doesn't make him bad, it makes him human. 

Matt, again, is stealing my heart! Love the backstory you are giving us of him. Love that he and Brian had/have this amazing friendhship/bond that no one ever knew about.  Though I'm not surprised, that is soo in character with Brian.   No one truly knows all of who Brian Kinney is, do they? He shows only bits and pieces of himself to different people. 

This story just keeps getting better and better.  And I'm glad you didn't have Justin just crumbling at the sight of Brian's mangled body in that email.  Yes, it shocked and sickened him, but his first thought was of Brian, not his own pain.  That showed true strenght!  I was very happy to see that.  He felt the blow and took it when he opened that email, then got up and made the call. Now he's on his way home. Angry and determined. That is who Justin is to me.   Who he was always from the first I saw him. This amazing kid who stood up to anyone, family, friends, school officials, anyone who would deny him 'right' to be exactly who he was, or who would try to stop him from getting what he wants. He's a fighter, and I'm glad to see that fighter emerging!  Great fucking job!

Please disregard my previous comment. It had too many typos at critical points to make it understandable. Hopefully this is better.

As many know, I rarely comment on a story. That said, I am commenting on this one. I kept seeing this story in the "Most Recent" area. I never read it because it seemed kind of slow. Occasionally, I would check it out to see if it picked up or I would read the comments. When the story reached chapter 10, I happened to read the comments and was wondering what all of the fuss was about. Hence I read chapter 10. It was the only full chapter that I read of the story. So it was my first chapter read in the story.

My initial reaction was that of many who criticized the chapter. Mind you, I hadn't read the story. I found it disturbing and ugly. Actually, I read it late at night and it gave me nightmares (I know this is silly for an adult, but a lot of disturbing things give me nightmares. I stay away from news magazines that have the "whodunit" aspect for this reason).

The next day, I went back to the comments. I saw people like Gina Marie, one of the few whose stories I comment on, speaking positive about the story. There was another poster who listed the authors that they like to read here, and they were all my favorite authors too.

So I realized that I was missing something. I went back and read the story. I went backwards starting with chapter 11 (you had posted it by then). Being linear is overrated...what can I say! Chapter 11 gave a ray of home with Dr. Keller. After reading chapter 10, I really thought that you were going to leave the beautiful Brian Kinney scarred, hideous and broken. Chapter 11 gave some indication that would most likely NOT be the case. So I continued to work backwards and things started to make sense to me.

After reading backwards, I then asked myself why I was so disturbed. I am not one, who has issues with Brian being the "Hurt" in a "Hurt/Comfort". So what was the deal? For me, it was the fact that "in real life" I couldn't see Brian recovering physically or emotionally from this. Destruction of his body and face as described appeared to be permanent to me. It was upsetting. In my opinion, that is what people are responding too, despite the foreshadowing that you seem to give the reader. It took a minute to get over this. Then I remembered a model who about 20 years ago had her face cut up in a very horrible way by a man who she rejected. She had plastic surgery and actually went back to modeling.

So, I am now looking forward to a recovered Brian Kinney with a Justin Taylor by his side. But just as much as the ending, I am interested in the journey. So please do not stop writing. To often it seems that writers get to critical junctures in a story and then stop writing. I don't want to see that.

As for your writing style itself. It is very descriptive and eloquent. The scene in chapter 11 where you described the ocean and Emmett being the beacon was almost poetic. You are a solid writer with a great.

I also like you showing an Emmett/Brian relationship. That was one that I wanted to see explored. They seemed to have great respect for each other. I also liked the Ted/Brian bond in the show. Secondly, Emmett seemed to be the one closest in age to Justin. Hence those two seemed to have a bond. I wanted to see that explored more in the show. You seem to be addressing these issues (minus Ted/Brian) in the story.

I don't usually read WIPs because I love to read a story alltogether and because I'm always afraid they won't get finished. But I've been eyeing your story for a while and today I decided to start reading it. And I'm so glad I did! I'm really liking it! You have a way to describe what happens and also your characters' emotions that hits me strongly. Especially the way you described Brian, through his actions, his inner turmoils and through the eyes and thoughts of the other characters.

The story at first went slow but I don't mind it at all, because I love long stories that take their time to make you know and understand their characters and where they stand and what they're feeling.

I hope you'll update soon because I'm loving the story. Thank you for keeping Lindsay and Michael as close as possible to what they were in canon: friends of Brian, people who love him, in spite of not being always perfect.

I hope Justin finds out soon. I have the feeling Brian will need him to come out of all of this. And Justin needs Brian to come out of that limbo he seems to be in right now.

Keep up the good work and don't let a few negative comments get to you. Violence is not everyone's cup of tea but I read tons of fics that had it in it and in spite of what happened to Brian being quite crude and terrible, you wrote it in such way that Brian still kept his dignity, which is something that not all writers manage to do.

I anxiously wait for the next update.

Another excellent chapter. I am so glad you are not rushing this story.  (you do know I always read your updates at least twice!) There is just so much to absorb with all these wonderful characters!  The highlight in this story for me is Ben's thoughts and his dream. So much to think about there.  The inner conflict...the 'not explored' feelings.  Very well illustrated in this chapter.

 I am also so happy with how you are portraying Michael in this story and his relationship to Brian.  There are a lot of anti-michael people, I'm not one.  My stories show b/m's friendship as special. They share a special bond that is unique to them, and keeps them forever best friends.  You are doing the same in your story and I appreciate it.  I do understand though the anti-michael sentiment out there.  The QAF writers, imo, fucked up the characters towards the end. They ruined Brian's character by making him more 'soft', for lack of a better word. He was, again imo, so ooc towards the end as was Michael's character. He was nothing like the devoted friend, (of course that devotion came at a price, an Michael was not always a perfect friend, but he DID love Brian), he was mean and spiteful and jealous.   During the first few seasons Michael was the only one who stuck by Brian when the gang all turned against him. He sided with Brian when Justin left him, (everyone else couldn't give a shit about his feelings) and with the stockwell situation.  He didn't like what Brian was doing, but he didn't turn like a rabbid dog on him, as some others did!  btw, I also think you have Deb dead on in your story. She never really 'got' Brian and was not always fair to him, but she did love him, as a mother loves a son who is always a disappointment to her.

I would have like to see a more passionate, (agian for lack of better word) Justin in this chapter. Like he was when he was telling Steven about his feelings for Brian, and how they would never change. I would have liked to see his thoughts follow more in that vain.  He seems more... resigned, in this chapter.   I much prefer 'fighter' Justin. 

His anger towards Brian for 'not bothering to talk to him' and 'taking it upon himself to know what was best' didn't ring true to me.   Justin is much stronger than that. HE decides for himself! He absolutely could have pushed more, been more communicative on his part.

His speech to Steven in a previous chapter reflected more of an independant, strong Justin. The kind of person a man like Brian Kinney could love and respect.  He was admant in telling Steven, his boyfriend, that he would never give up on Brian but yet he knew, or more acurately, believed that Brian would never be happy in a relationship with him until he conquered the world. Only then would he accept their love and not feel that he somehow held Justin back from his own greatness. And that was why Justin was continually striving to do just, that. Conquer the Art world. All for Brian.  That is how Justin would think, imo.  His thoughts on the plane didn't jive with me on that score.

However, that being my only problem with this chapter, I will repeat, this is by far one of my favorite stories to date! Your writing is compelling, and you never fail to deliver one hell of a thought provoking update! As always, I anxiously await your next installment.

 

Author's Response:

Ahhh, let me tell you that a writer always loves hearing praise.  But even more, it is incredibly wonderful when a reader takes the time to read and comment in depth, to speak up and say "This works for me, or this doesn't."  How else do we learn where we've succeeded, and where we haven't.  Thank you so much for caring enough to do so.

As it happens, I generally agree with you about Michael.  The friendship between him and Brian was something extraordinary, and the writers really did fuck up in the final season.  When I watch the series up until the end of season 4, I am always touched with wonder over how the two of them managed to navigate so many mine fields and preserve their relationship, always finding their way back to each other in the end.  I actually hated the breach that happened in season 5, so I tend to ignore it. I also agree about Ben, although there were moments when he proved himself to be just as fallible and human as anyone else.  But isn't that what QaF is all about - flawed, human, imperfect individuals who are so much more than the sum of their parts.  Also agree about how Michael sees Brian more clearly than anyone else.  Most of the time I love the gang, but when they were all so eager to condemn Brian and embrace Ethan, I frankly just wanted to smack them, because - AHEM - I hated the fucking fiddler from the get-go and wanted to shake Justin for being so blind and gullible.

As for Justin in this chapter, I do know what you mean, because I feel the same way.  But this Justin isn't the REAL Justin; he isn't as we've come to expect him to be.  He is in the process of trying to become the man he wants to be, but he doesn't yet know how to process everything that's happened.  So far, he's drifting, but I promise you, he will find himself again.  Fighter Justin is nearby, and he will resurface.  Soon.

As for the rest of them, I hope to continue to flesh them out, to point out their flaws and their assets.  Of them all, I can usually find good points and bad.  I confess that the ones I have the most trouble writing sympathetically are Melanie - who tends to piss me off royally sometimes - and Ted who wallows a little too much in self-pity to suit my fancy.  But I hope to treat them fairly at least (or to get in a few licks to compensate for the moments when they irritqted me the most).

Thank you for caring enough to speak out, and I sincerely hope you hang in there to watch it all come together.

You're true peach of a reviewer.

CYN

As painful as it is to see this story played out, I eagerly await each installment. And as much as I hate to say it, right now it's probably best that Justin's away from Pittsburgh and those creeps who are responsible for torturing Brian. I hope Steven or someone else tells him the truth soon though, because he deserves to know. And I'm sure he's not going to be the least bit happy when he does find out. Honestly though, who would be?

I'm curious as to who Brian's attackers are, and what he and Justin might've done to piss them off that badly. Whoever they are, they're obviously royally messed up, because you can't do something like that to someone and be considered normal.

BTW, as dark as this story is, it's currently one of a handful or so that I always look forward to.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for your lovely comment.  And you're keying in something that I hoped my readers would understand - that it IS better for Justin to be away right now, that it's what Brian would want if he were awake.  But it's also going to piss him off royally once he finds out what has been kept from him.  Ain't conflict wonderful?

As for who could have done this, unfortunately the world is full of cruelty and viciousness, and Brian hasn't exactly led a circumspect life.  I hope, in the end, the whole plot will make sense and hold together.

Thanks for following along.

CYN

Dear Cyn.

The reason I have not commented earlier is that I started reading your story the day before yesterday. I will now make a multiple comment. I work full time and study full time also so per definition I do not have time to read much and I kind of promised my self not to allow more MW authors inside until after my exams. But I fell. Still falling...

I read it until way to late Tuesday, I read it on the bus, I read it at work when my boss was at a meeting, I read it on the bus again, on the bus stop until my battery died. Then I read it at school. Yesterday I read it for so long in the morning that I missed the bus and had to borrow a friends car to get to work. I then skipped dinner at school (I have to lose weight anyway). I read until 2 am last night and woke up at 6 am my body and mind wanting more. But notice I slept and slept well actually.

I guess the reason why I'm giving you such a detailed insight in to my life is that I am shaken. Not by the story, which is among the best stories in here, but by some of the comments. I actually have been wanting for a while to ask MW to add a function where you can hide the "fluffy bunny no sense for grammar or spelling" authors or categorize them away.  Because some people want to waste their time on that. SJMPETS3 should take her 3 pets for a walk in the park, if she ever gets out of the house. BluvsJ should stop reading too and start again when s/he actually learns to read.

I found that this story was heavy and slow in the beginning but never boring more like a baroque furniture or panting and mind you I am a biologist not an artist but I could FEEL your writing on so many levels I see the round shapes in it and smell it. I love it. I love how you brought original character in to the picture, and you do write well about the original characters, diving into their individual depths and shallowness. I fully disagree with BluvsJ that you only made Emmet likable, you sure did, but you made all of the likable and still managed to stay true to canon in Mel and Michael and I loved how Debbie was looking in her mind for something she thought she should see but then... blank. Wonderful!

I've been reading MW and other QaF FanFic for over a year now. This story is among the best I've read in MW along with the good work of Gina Marie, Britin, Indigo556, Anwamane13, Doppelganger, Violette7, Sapphire, andthe two E's: Edom and Elyxer. I might be forgetting someone but I hope I'm not finished reading all the good stuff. I look forward to reading you work in the future. And as for one comment that made my brain cringe: Your story is violent but should never be banned from MW not underminig the horrors of your chapter 10 but "Forgive me Father" by Liberty is still the ugliest story I ever read in here.

I can only hope I will someday be able to write like this but until then I will not disgrace MW with something that is mediocre. I happy that I started reading this story and look very much forward to neglecting my exam reading for this story!

There are a handful of writers in here that have had such an effect on me that I would like to meet them one day (actually tryed to meet one when I was in NYC this June but signals got crossed unfortunately) You are definitely one of those writers

Have wonderful day and stay tuned on that the nasty comments often origin in people who just don't understand quality.

Edda, Reykjavik Iceland.


PS. I will wait patiently for the next chapter (actually be so busy that I might not go to MW until November. This expecting you to go on and not listen to nasty comments from people who should read something else or watch "real TV" like one of the brains commented about. I am still lol on that one.

Author's Response:

Dear Edda,

I can't tell you when I've been so touched by a reader's comment.  Let me tell you that if ANY writer ever claims not to be delighted with remarks like this, you can be sure he or she is delusional.  It is enormously reassuring to know that someone has been affected so profoundly by my scribbling.  I wish I had time to respond with the same degree of attention to detail that your review provides, but I'm sorry to sqy that's not possible at the moment.  Real life too often gets in the way of waht we love doing best, doesn't it.

And I thank you so much for defending me.  It means so much.  But let me reassure you about one thing.  Readers are perfectly free to like or dislike, to love or hate my work, and to say so, but they are NOT free to dictate what I write.  This is not my first time at the rodeo, and I've faced worse, and have never once even thought about abandoning a story or changing what I write because someone might be displeased.

I plan to go right on writing, and I hope you continue to enjoy the journey.  Again, my deepest thanks. Oh, and by the way, I think you write quite well, and would not be surprised if you have some lovely stories to tell.

CYN

Author's Response:

Dear Edda,

I can't tell you when I've been so touched by a reader's comment.  Let me tell you that if ANY writer ever claims not to be delighted with remarks like this, you can be sure he or she is delusional.  It is enormously reassuring to know that someone has been affected so profoundly by my scribbling.  I wish I had time to respond with the same degree of attention to detail that your review provides, but I'm sorry to sqy that's not possible at the moment.  Real life too often gets in the way of waht we love doing best, doesn't it.

And I thank you so much for defending me.  It means so much.  But let me reassure you about one thing.  Readers are perfectly free to like or dislike, to love or hate my work, and to say so, but they are NOT free to dictate what I write.  This is not my first time at the rodeo, and I've faced worse, and have never once even thought about abandoning a story or changing what I write because someone might be displeased.

I plan to go right on writing, and I hope you continue to enjoy the journey.  Again, my deepest thanks. Oh, and by the way, I think you write quite well, and would not be surprised if you have some lovely stories to tell.

CYN

I can't tell you how many times I've read this chapter!  Loving the doc, as you know.  Brian is in good hands.  :-)  Lins seems to finally be taking responsibility for her part in Brian's unhappiness, and Mel, we'll she's not being very understanding, is she? But I can't blame her. It's hard knowing your wife is never going to love you as much as she loves another.

Karl is fantastic in this!  Emmett, the true hero in this chapter. His love and devotion, he  kept Brian hanging on,  he was Brian' anchor.

And my God how strong is Brian?!!!  Fighting the bliss of oblivion so he could warn them that Justin was in danger!   It would have been so easy for him to slip over and escape the pain...The God awful pain!  His injuries are just so extensive.  Broken bones, organ damage, and blood loss, not to mention burns and cuts...  But I have faith in Brian, and faith in Doc Kellar.

Thank you so much for this quick update, and I know I'm a greedy bitch, but could you post the next chapter soon?  :-)   though I know you can't rush a masterpiece like this so I will be waiting paitently, (ok, maybe not so patiently, lol) for the next update!   I've got a hunch Justin will be in it, and it ain't  going be pretty....

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for understanding where I'm going with these characters.

I really love most of the QaF characters, but the thing that makes them most compelling is that none of them are perfect.  Lindsey, for example.  I always believed that she truly loved Brian, and most of the time she showed it.  But sometimes she really pissed me off.  Such as when it was Brian's dream to go to New York and start a new life and all she could do was ridicule and discourage and try to bring him down, but when the possibility arose for Justin, she was head cheerleader.  I wanted to smack her - you know?  But hopefully, all those things will come full circle before I'm done. 

As for Brian, thank you for seeing his strength and understanding that he will ALWAYS be strong - for Justin.

As for assurances, I don't usually deal in them, but I will say this.  Brian is a living work of art - and I wish only to see him preserved to grow even more beautiful.  The road may be long and difficult, but it will end at the right place - eventually.

CYN

still worried about brian...and justin

feroza

Author's Response:

Thanks for your concern.  I hope you'll be pleased with where this is going, but remember - it's not going anywhere fast.  Real resolution takes time.

CYN

OMG.... if you wanted Brian dead.. why didn't you have him crash into the truck???  why torture him to the point that even if he does live... he will be totally destroyed both mentally and physically??? Do you hate Brian and all the characters so much.. that the only one that you made the least bit likeable is Emmett??? I realize you have the right to write whatever you want....but.... I don't have to read it......  I am sure there are others that feel the same.....

Author's Response:

Hmmm, is there an echo in here?  :)  To reiterate, you are certainly free to stop reading whenever you like, and to dislike it as iintensely as you like.  To each his own, and if others feel the same, they are just as free to express their displeasure and disdain by simply not reading.  However, just to be clear, to admire someone is to have some inkling of how strong they are, and I apparently believe in Brian a hell of a lot more than some of you do.  But that's just my estimation, and you are free to disagree.

Thanks for the input.

CYN

You aspire to hit the readers emotions on a violent and disturbing level. At that you succeed in spades. In creating interstesting characters and a compelling storyline you fail dramatically. The last chapter more than hit the mark in imagery and the remainer of Matthew was there, It was masterful and sickening. And if the story had direction, it would work. Being dark or violent isn't a bad thing. In fact most of my favorite fics have a sinister edge to them. But after 10 long, brutal chapters I'm at a loss as to what I'm supposed to feel for anyone other than Brian. His is the only plot that has advanced at all and it's tough to read, much less enjoy. Plus the abuse he took was more than most humans could withstand. He'll be traumatized for years to come at best.

My problem with this story has nothing to do with the violence, but rather with the lack of honest emotion between the characters. So now we have Brian physically and psychologically damaged, Justin emotionally crippled and basically looking for any guy who'll put up with him mooning after Brian while supporting his art and expensive needs, and the rest of the gang following the same old tired script of Brian-bad, Justin -good. Well except for Daphne, the wise all knowing friend who sees through the BS.

Only Emmett has stepped outside his normal comfort zone and stood out as interesting. His intereactions with Brian have been similar to Ted's in season 5. Emmett was my favorite character in the show so seeing him highlighted is very cool. 

Do I want to know who did this to Brian and why? Yep, I want to see them caught. punished, and suffer at the hands of Brian himself. I want to see Brian rise from this and be strong again. But...do I care a whit about a single character whose butts are currently sitting in NY? Not one single iota.

 

Author's Response:

Thanks for such a cogent and thought-provoking comment. I welcome all input, positive and negative, as it helps me determine whether or not I'm hitting the mark I set for myself.  Obviously, that;s not happening with you, as you are unable to become emotionally invested in my story.  I would say that I hope you will change your mind, but I think it's unlikely as I've always found that, for me, I either get caught up early in a writer's vision, or I don't get caught up at all. But thanks for giving it a chance and for taking the time to voice your opinion.

CYN

Brain is not a God---have anyone ever seem God? He not (fictional)perfect he can get

hurt and at time have hurt  let’s face it both brain and Justin have hurt each other so

deeply  that nether can love anyone but each other so much with that said………..

I’m for one am glad that brain got his ass kick (of course not the way that it happen) no one should go through that but if you watch real TV and look around it happening every day There’s good and bad love and hate fighting all around us no matter who you are the question is when will it stop never.

 

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for commenting.  I think you have a unique point of view, and I appreciate your input.  I don't know if we can ever expect this kind of violence to ride off into the sunset, but I do believe that exploring it, and exposing the reasons behind it, are the best ways to make people question and react and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

CYN

Ok, everyone just breathe......  First, and formost, CYN, PLEASE do not stop posting this story! It's a work of art.  Dark yes, but masterfully crafted.  To the anonymous poster who said don't post this story here? Fuck em. THAT pissed me off big time!  For someone who supposedly is for the protection of gay and civil rights they seem to have no problem in wanting to take your rights to express yourself away!  Total bullshit.   Not to mention hypocritical of them.

Having said that, I totally understand people's strong reactions to this chapter. That should make you feel good!  Good writing/story telling should evoke strong emotions!  Be it love, hate, fear, disgust, etc.  This chapter was extremely disturbing and people reacted.  Why? Because they actually 'feel' Brian's pain and are angry at those people who did that to him.  Of course they blame you, because you did this to him, but that's the price of art, is it not?   

As for the violence, has anyone here read Agony of the Codemned? By Draccone?  Very edgy and dark. I believe Justin kills Brian in that one, but becuase they are both vampires, it's accepted. It's 'make believe'.  The violence in this story isn't as bad as in that story, but more powerful because it's more realistic. It could happen, and as you pointed out, has happened.  But people should also realize this is just as 'make believe' as A vampire story.  

This doesn't have to be political, we shouldn't make it about that. It's about a story.  A sad, deeply dark story that some people don't like.  Often times I will read the end of a book (ashamed to say) before I buy it becaues I can't abide sad endings.  That's my choice. You labled this well.  The problem is no one, (in my memory anyway) has ever posted something like this before on this site.  So people are shocked.  Others put warnings like violence, etc., but your story (and you're writing in particular) is so descriptive that the violence seems almost too real. And that is what people are reacting to. I think now that everyone knows what to expect from you, those who do not like your style of writing may move on, and others, like myself, will anxiously wait until you post again.

 

You say you love these boys ?? you're joking right??! you quite cleary don't love or respect them at all or the people who enjoy this fandom.  I enjoy long, detailed stories, and I certainly don't mind a bit of angst - in fact it is an essential factor in any good story, so i've been prepared to stick with this one even though it doesn't appear to be getting anywhere - but this chapter was just so completely unnecessary. You should seriously consider not bothering to post anything more in this fandom . . . i'm sorry, but it's just not what we want to read here.

Author's Response:

Ahhh, ya gotta love anonymous posters who take upon themselves the right to speak for everyone.

Thanks for your input. 

We'll it certainly is growing darker, AND more complex!  So someone is after Brian...very ominous, and dark!  Of course the suspense is killing me!

Love the conversation between Emmett and Brian. Very revealing, mostly on Brian's part.  For Emmett, (like Brian said) Yeah, we figured for all the reason's Brian mentioned, but to hear Brian say that Justin only comes back to him when his wings are broken, well that was harsh.  Harsh because it's the truth when you think about it.  He's right. Justin keeps leaving him only to come back when things don't go well for him.   And as for Justin,  I'm thinking on some level he knows this. That's why he told his new boyfriend that he can't go back to Brian this time until he's the man Brian thinks he should be, other wise Brian would think Justin was returning once again, because he failed. Seem's those two know each other better then anyone realizes.  Hopefully, they will find a way to communicate and be together.  No reason why Justin can't fly with Brian by his side.

Again please let me say how much I'm enjoying this story!  You truly have a gift for bringing these characters and their emotions to life.  The convoluted situation with B/J, the mystery surrounding Brian.  (Who has it out for him?)  And the complex relationships surrounding everyone in this story!

Great job, and thank you for the weekly updates!

I have been silently reading this story over time since there have been many fics that deal with Brian letting Justin go to spread his wings and I was wondering if this will be just "one of them". The 2 paintings in previous chapter really started drawing my attention because of the pain they reflected and I feared that Justin was really giving up on Brian. But Chapter 8 is so powerful that I had to leave you a comment (Sorry for now leaving one earlier). I think you hit the bull's eye to capture B & J. Justin's relevation to Steven and Daph's explanation to Jen were the most beautiful descriptions of Brian's true beauty I have ever read. I do hope you will have a happy ending for BJ. Brian really deserves to have his Sunshine with his full grown strong pair of wings soaring back into Brian's arms.

I am just leaving a review to say I love this story and the angsty bits that you write so well. I hope you update soon!

excellent story-  why haven't I ever noticed this before/  Just my type- angst filled iwth hope. 

 

sfscarlet

Once again you weave the words to form strong visions in the readers mind. From Emmett's injuries to Drew getting "physical" with Brian to Jennifer's introspection to Justin being there only physically in the closing sentence you give me clear images of characters in flux.

Kinda like a movie preview where flashing scenes and  images are strong and you want to know more, but can't feel any emotional connection. The feel of this is like Bogart or Bacall movie where everyone realizes what true happiness is long after it's out of their reach and they are settling for survival. 

The standout moment in the chapter goes to Drew with his 300lb linebacker remark.

 

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for your interest and your kind words.  And I'm glad you liked Drew's comments.

The emotional connections are still in the elementary stages here, and will become clearer as we go along.  I don't believe in leaping into resolutions too easily.  Life takes time, and so do my stories, but I hope you'll continue to enjoy.

CYN

Wow, you certainly know how to keep us coming back. Quite the cliffhanger!

Author's Response:

Sorry about that.  I don't usually do cliffhangers, but this one just seemed natural.  I promise not to leave you hanging for long.

CYN

I like your writing very much, so beautiful and sad.

Please continue update.

I like the realizations slowly hitting folks.

Once again, beautifully written.  I like the writing style of everyone except Brian's thoughts while staying focussed on him.

 

 

Great start....  I hope Brian comes to his senses...before it's too late.... I can't wait to read more about Brian's "Inner Sanctum".. update soon... 

Welcome to MW. If I may suggest you go and edit your chapter and remove the added spaces the website causes. It makes for a better read.

Author's Response:

Thanks for both the welcome and the tip.  As a novice here, the manner of posting is strange to me.  Is there a way of eliminating the extra spacing without doing so line by line?