First of all I love this story.  I like how Brian is finally coming to terms on how his family treated him.  I also work in special education but in grades 6-12.  Teenages some times you just want to strangle them lol.  Please keep going with this story, am really enjoying it .

Lori

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! 

I bet teenagers would be quite an experience. Sometimes I try to imagine where my students will be at that point. For some of them, it's very hard to say because their behavior is so immature. Let's hope that improves in the next ten years! :)

 

You're back!!!*hugs* I adored this chapter. You really truly had Brian open up. I would never expect a story centered around Brian to be so emotionally driven, but you pull it off wonderfully. I love how you don't just continue on wtih one topic and stay there. You keep things moving, and your updates are so worth the wait :) By the way...perfect time to update...my birthday is tomorrow :)

Btw...teaching Special Education Kindergarten-first grade in an inner city school. God bless you. I volunteered in both those situations and sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's very challenging so, god bless. I can see why it took a bit to update.

Author's Response:

Happy Birthday!! :)

I like your idea of the story being emotion-driven; I never thought about it that way, and it's a very apt description. I got the next update up sooner, but on no special occasion that I know of! (Though maybe I'll aim my next update to be on my birthday later this month...! :) ). 

Challenging is also a good word, maybe the perfect description of my job, especially with this year's class. Every minute is a challenge, it seems. But that's the way to learn, right? ;) 

Thanks again for your enthusiasm and support! :) :) 

I don't know what to say ... it's just ... aggrr ... I'm speechless. 
I wish my englisch was much better, than I could give good comments. I love every word you write. It's such a beautiful emotional story. I hope you never end this story.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Aww, your comments are always wonderful, so don't ever worry about that! You are so sweet! I am thrilled that you liked the chapter so much. For what it's worth, I wonder if I'll ever end the story!! ;) 

 

*hugs back!*

HI~!!! Long time no see!! :)

I've been waiting soooooo long.

I also enjoyed this chapter alot! Brian is starting to see the injustice and be angry about it not just ignoring it.

Keep up the good work!!!

I am glad you are back.

 

 

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for waiting! I'm so happy that you enjoyed the chapter -- Brian's anger is awfully good to see, isn't it? :) 

 

Horrible....and yet so very beautiful at the same time. Reading about Brian's growth, torment, realization of love, and continuing struggle to deal with his past is a true joy!!!! He's come a long way and he can be proud of the fact that he's beaten alot of his demons and more importantly he knows the demons exist and that they only hurt him if he lets them.

So glad you are still writing this story. And I completely understand about this time of the year. I work as a Special Education/Collaborative teacher in an elementary school. I work with 18 students K-5th.

Author's Response:

I think you have a really good point about Brian knowing that the demons of his past exist. It's really the only way he can beat them -- if he knows them.  That process is a painful one in itself, as poor Brian is finding out.

That's a pretty big grade range, though i guess you'd have lots of variety that way! 

 

Well you haven't lost me!  I was so happy to see an update! Loved how Brian finally faced the reality that his parents sucked.  And glad to see him talk about wanting to be hit by them.  Totally understandable for a child in his circumstances.  Bad attention is better than no attention at all.  The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.  When Jack was beating him, or Joan was yelling at him, they were 'hating' him, and in his mind, as long as they hated him, they still had feelings. A bad feeling, true, but a feeling for 'him' none the less.  And it gave hope that if they could feel hate towards him that one day they may feel love.  But to have your parents feel nothing, well that's the worse thing ever.

Great update!  Glad you're back!

Author's Response:

Hi! I'm so happy to hear from you. I really love your point about indifference being the opposite of love. That's a very succinct way to encapsulate what I was trying to say. I'm so glad it came through! :) Thanks for staying around and I hope you'll like Ch. 35! :)

this was a very good chapter and with dr. steveson's help he did everything right.

gus needed to learn limitations and what's expected of him and i think their headed in the right direction. i only wish brian would have more faith in himself.

Author's Response:

*sighs* It's true that Brian still is second-guessing himself. Hopefully as he sees that he is capable of being a father in a whole range of circumstances, he'll start to trust his instincts. 

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I hope you'll like the next one as well!

Gus and Brian are SOOOOO adorable!!!! I like this chapter alot!! I am sure when Sunshine hears about this incident he will be very proud of Brian.

Thank you!

Author's Response:

Thanks! *big smile* I love Gus and Brian, even when it's naughty!Gus and uncertain!Brian. :) Sunshine sure is proud, too!

 

So glad you liked it! :)

*sighs*

 

Sooooo beautiful... I really love your story! So take your time, don't worry - I'll wait patiently for the next chapter! *ggg*

Author's Response:

**happy that you were patient because it really took forever!** 

I hope it turns out to be worth the wait! Thank you so much for your support!!

Justin always saw all that Brian was, more than anyone. I love that painting he created and Brian's realization that it was about him.

This was great. I can totally see where Brian is coming from, he has never experienced being punished in a manner fitting the 'crime' so how is he supposed to know what punishment is appropriate?

I'm glad he stepped back and called Dr. Stevenson in stead of losing it with Gus, that would have been unfair, what he did was totally fair and messured.

Great chapter.

Author's Response:

I'm so happy that you enjoyed it! I'm sorry that my reply is so late!

It is interesting to think how formative his parents could have been. Thank goodness for Dr. Stevenson! I practically threw the cell phone at Brian to make sure he'd call! :) I hope you'll like the next chapter as well!

I feel like I'm learning something from the way you're analyzing this whole situation.  Thanks.

 

Author's Response:

Judi, 

I'm sorry my reply is taking so long! I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying the story and that is the best compliment, because it means it's at least somewhat believable  and thought-provoking. So thank you!! :)

I hope you'll like the rest of the story as well!

The progression that Brian is making in realizing why he tricks and his willingness to explore those feelings comes across clearly. It makes far more sense than for him to just want to jump into monogamy after the number of years he's been tricking. The tenderness he shows Justin makes your breath catch.

Author's Response:

I'm really glad that this makes sense because it's sort of a tight rope -- you're totally right, quitting cold turkey seems really unlikely at best and unrealistic, regardless of Brian's intent (though not impossible, I think). Yet, I did want him to be making some changes. It really is wonderful to hear that it's going along well.

Of course, I'm also extremely happy that the tenderness is the overriding emotion of the scene, because above it all I think is his desire not to hurt Justin, and only to see Justin happy.

Thanks so much for your feedback; it's so encouraging and lets me know what is "getting through" to readers! :) Hope you'll enjoy the next chapters as well!

For Gina Marie: I always enjoy your reviews too : )

 

Mas = “Making a Scene” by buckeye5 on LJ. I can’t rec it enough – and I think Indigo556 is even more obsessed with it than me *laughs* It’s BDSM with Brian as the submissive and is seriously one of the best fics I’ve ever read. I think the first couple of chapters are open but you’ll need to be friended to read the rest. Honestly, run don’t walk to read it because it’s just that good.

Author's Response:

It would be *impossible* to be more obsessed with that story than I am. Impossible. Totally, utterly impossible. Passages of that story go through my head -- unbidded. I'm going to have to write something here on Midnight Whispers about the extent to which Why Not With Me is sort of...I don't know. Like a way to explain my obsession with MaS.

*sighs*

Sooooo beautiful... I really love it! Especially the end of this chapter of course! ;-)

Author's Response:

*smiles happily* Thank you!! :)

Ok. Just got off from work. I suddenly remembered there was a QAF scene where Mel askd Brian how many tricks he did on average when Brian asked Mel to defend the sexual harrassment case for him. If I remember correctly, he said 20-30 tricks a month? And he has tricked for 20 years.. So, we are talking about 4800 to 7200 tricks in total (!!)

Author's Response:

You're totally right. I figured I was low in guessing, but I never thought I was *that* low.

No wonder when he got syphillis Justin was like "it's a wonder it didn't happen sooner"! :)

Yay…an unexpected update! *big grin*

 

I completely agree with the idea that a lack of emotional / physical stability in the Kinney household would manifest in the need for order and clearly defined “rules” in the adult Brian. For me, it seems that Brian genuinely struggles with identifying both his own feelings and those of other people. Hence his uncertainty about how Justin would respond to the tricking and difficulty in explaining what triggered it. In the absence of any noticeable correlation between an event and the emotional response it triggers, how does a child learn to properly identify emotions or develop appropriate responses as an adult? The following sentence captures that disjunction perfectly: “Just…every moment was like… being on the edge of a cliff. You never knew what was going to happen. You might try to do something good, or funny and you’d end up just…beaten for it. And yet…things like violence, or drinking, or abuse…nothing”.

 

A lot of classic “Brianisms” amake sense in that context - his canon assertions that there are two types of straight people, that he believes in fucking not love because love is based on lies, that marriage is for straight people, you don’t fuck friends etc. At their core those statements are all examples of oppositional, rule-based thinking. For me, they operate not necessarily as a denial of emotion (which he clearly does experience) but as examples of the framework Brian has been forced to try and cobble together on his own in an attempt to understand and navigate his feelings and relationships with other people. Perhaps also another self-comforting behaviour, in that the rules offer safety and reassurance when it seems that everyone else is talking in a language he can’t understand. Although as Dr Stevenson noted, progress is definitely being made!

 

The discussion of those issues between Brian and Dr Stevenson was just…*sighs* I really, really loved this chapter. Ps. did you read the new MaS chapter yet? Fantastic as always. Now I have two great updates to keep me occupied : ) : )

Author's Response:

First things first -- yes I *DID* catch the MaS posting. At like 3AM. Was practically squealing with excietment! Seriously. *takes deep calming breath thinking about it*.

There are psych studies about relationship formation and insecure/secure formation of relationships based on parental involvement. These were in the back of my mind for this (and other, earlier) chapters. I'm glad this makes sense to everyone. His insecurity and anxiety in these situations is extremely important in the story, as I see it.

You're totally right -- Brian could basically be creating rules for himself. It is quite true that he does. I agree that he's trying to make a framework for himself to understand what's going on and the world as he has known it.

I'm very glad you liked the chapter so much!!!!! **big smiles back!**

So happy to see an update. Hope you and your mom are having a great time together.

    About that nameless trick number 2, 317, and about the new rules…

Come on, 2317? I bet Brian had at least 2,317,000 nameless tricks by now. Hmm... wait a minute, what's the population of gay PA again? *grin*

    That feeling you felt, of being on the edge of a cliff. Is that how you felt yesterday, waiting for Justin’s reaction?

Man, you are GOOD! In the back of my mind, I knew Brian somehow needed rules due to something inside him. But the light bulb didn't go off until you (in Dr Stevenson's voice) explained this. Wow!

    “Well…let’s see. I’m 36... So  20 years.”
    I swallow hard, somehow still a little surprised at Brian’s….life.

Err. Gotta admit, Doc. I swallowed hard too when I read this in black and white.

    “But you would rather fuck whoever you want?” I ask.

Hey! The Doc used the f word! =D

    “I…I…well, I guess so.”

Yeah. Brian clearly is not ready for monogamy. Frankly, I would rather him wait till he is ready than forcing himself to do it which is doomed to fail.

    What in the hell does Justin do that would make Brian blush?

HAHAHA. I love this Doc!

    For just a moment I think he must be talking about some very kinky type of foreplay that I’ve never heard of.

OK. I raise my white flag. You win. I thought you couldn't top the previous line. But you did! This is hilarious.

    But his honesty and my trust in him means too much to him to just promise easily.
    I wish I would have been so thoughtful of his trust in me; that I would have taken the rules as seriously as he does.
    If I would have, I never would have hurt him like I did.

You got a great point there. Even though Brian shared equal responsibility in the Ethan fiasco. The bottom line is Justin broke his promise and broke Brian's heart.

    And when you have it, you’ll have it forever.

Awwwww... This is exactly what marriage means to Brian.

OK. Back to work :-)

Author's Response:

***loves!!! your responses to the chapters!**** *thinks your Dr. Stevenson's beiggest fan*

I think Justin's really realizing that Brian doesn't say it because he can't mean it forever, not because he doesn't feel it. Others might grant him that -- i.e. Ethan -- but it's easier said than done, and for Brian it won't be that way.

*big smiles*

 

I am totally surpirised!! update!!! Thanks for your work.

I am really enjoying this story alot. This chapter made me smile with tear in my eyes. I love how Brian is trying and talking about him and his emotions with Justin. It amazes me. Also I love how Justin is trying to understand Brian.

I just love this couple!!!

Author's Response:

I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you so much for reviewing I was a little nervous about this chapter; that people would forget.

I love B/J in this, too. It's terribly mushy, but *shrugs shoulders*. :)

It's nice to see an update..... As a child Brian was always confused and worried... about not knowing what to say or do...that wouldn't make his parents angry.... Brian realized why rules are important ... so that the same thing doesn't happen with him and Justin....

Author's Response:

Glad you liked the update! I think you're onto something -- he does want his relationship with Justin to be something entirely different. :)

Thanks! :)

It's pretty hot! And I understand Justin so well - I would forgive Brian too... I think I would! *gg* And the rest of the chapter... Holy Moses!

*sighs*

Are you sure you don't wanna talk with Cowlip about a Re-Union of "Queer as folk" presenting them this story of yours??? I think a lot of people/readers would be amazed!!! *gggggggg*

Reading the review I see that that most find that Justin respond was good and that’s  o.k. for now   and he dose have the right to be mad and hurt that nature and understandably but why make rules at this stage of the game or whatever I fill that both person  are older and should be on a higher lever of maturity than to make rules any more. I love when people remember only how Justin had broken them, not to mention  the time frame he being a kid of only 18  and having sex with adult. Answer this for me when Justin made mention about telling each other when they want  to fuck someone other each other why dose brain get resentful maybe that’s something he should ask  the DR. It look’s like to me that it’s o.k. for Brain to do whatever and he dose but at the same time hoping  that Justin stay only true to him. Justin will always  be so understanding  and so weak. Is that what they call love.

Author's Response:

I see what you mean. Believe me, the next chapter has Brian discussing the issue of tricking and the rules with Dr. Stevenson. I think Brian was making an honest attempt to compromise toward monogamy. I don't think he fully realizes the link between how he doesn't want to know about the tricking and how that relates to wanting commitment. At this point, he's just not emotionally "tuned in" enough to recognize this. I think Dr. Stevenson will be the right person to help, you're right. 

I think the rules will have an unexpected effect or two. 

I can see how you might think that Brian want to do whatever he wants and expect more from Justin. I personally don't see it that way, though. In my view, Brian's attempt is honest, and his fear is promising more than he can give. 

 Personally, I find a lot of strength in Justin's understanding. He's trying to listen and understand and support, even when it might be easier for him to be angry, resentful, and so on. He does have a right to that, and he expressed his hurt and feelings of inadequacy. It was hard for me to balance his response for the chapter, because of a lot of factors -- including the ambiguity of their relationship at that time period and because of their growth as characters through the show, and then as this story is, one year post S5. 

Thanks so much for your thoughts on this chapter! 

I think Justin's reaction was perfect.  I especially liked that they defined the rules but left them open to be re evaluated by saying that they were just for now and not how they may be in the future.  Have fun with your mom... we'll miss the updates though :)

Author's Response:

Thanks so much -- it was hard to choose a reaction. Everything seemed either like it would be overreacting or underreacting. 

And you're totally right -- they're just rules for now. I think they'll be clarified pretty quickly. Brian just needed the boundaries. 

Thanks for the good wishes! I'll update as much as I can! :) 

I see where Justin is going with the rules, but I wonder what will happen if Brian relapses. How detrimental will that be to Brian and their relationship? I did, however, like how Justin reacted and once again enjoyed his use of Brian's nickname. Now...if you keep writing these steemy sexy scenes I'm going to keep getting distracted! haha. Overall, well worth the torturous wait and I'm sure the rest of your story will be too. Despite the infrequent updates :) I hope you have fun with your family, I enjoy when my family comes over as well, even if it's kind of an interruption, it's a welcome one *hugs*

Author's Response:

Thanks! I'm glad you like the story -- it's hard to say what will happen. There's a few ways that it could all turn out; I'm not even totally sure yet myself, although I am almost *no spoilers!*

*thought you'd like Justin calling him "Beautiful"*  :) 

Thanks for the good wishes! I will actually probably have a chapter up fairly soon, but then the one after that will be a while. 

*smiles* 

WOW, simply WOW, I've been reading this for a couple of hours now, and I swear my heart is about to burst out of my chest. This is so wonderful, and is a story I have dreamt reading about. I know some of it is a little out of character for Brian, but I think there's a lot of factual basis on stuff that he has done and said in canon that supports a lot of the psych. stuff he is going through and the way he is behaving because of his childhood.  This definitely could be an alternate reality if Brian had been allowed to behave like a real person and go through what he needed to deal with his childhood traumas. It was obvious he was a very emotionally disturbed person in many ways, despite his career success; and I think it would've caught up with him someday. I think your Justin voice is good, I think he is an amazingly strong person; far stronger that I would be with someone like Brian. And Justin is my favorite character, someone who has been attacked so unfairly by a lot of fandom.   I could ramble on and on, but I'm emotionally drained from reading ... so I better stop here. This is a wonderful, intriguing tale and I appreciate all the work you've put into it!

Author's Response:

Aww, thanks so much! I am so glad that you are enjoying the story!! I have tried to stay true to canon and just put a possible interpretation for what happened, particularly for Brian because I find it's easiest for me personally to write for him. 

Justin's strength is pretty amazing; like all the characters he has flaws, but his perserverence and strength are definitely two of his best qualities and they are very useful in dealing with Brian. 

*smiles that you dreamed of a story like this...* So have I.... and when I couldn't find it I thought I'd try to write it myself! It's been an interesting journey...!

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story even though the chapters will slow down a for the next couple weeks.

*big smiles for new readers!* 

Particular things I liked:

 

1.       That Brian fucked up. It would be strange if his pain management strategies disappeared overnight. That’s not how therapy works - it’s a process not a cure. Brian’s explanation that he “wasn’t thinking” makes sense in that context. He feels bad and automatically does what he’s always done to feel better about himself or in control. It’s a self-comforting behaviour even if rationally he knows it doesn’t help.

 

2.       Justin responded in a believable way rather than just dissolving into tears or having a tantrum. Yes, Justin was upset and disappointed but the response seemed proportionate. I mean, he’s known Brian for how long? At this point I just can’t see Justin being completely shocked or traumatised by Brian’s tricking.

 

3.       The new rules. Because here’s the thing: everyone has relationship rules, it’s just that they’re usually “unspoken” negotiations about what is or isn’t acceptable. The only difference is that Brian and Justin are openly discussing it and their rules don’t involve monogamy. It doesn’t mean the rules can’t change or be re-negotiated if they don’t work. But given your take on why Justin may have become dissatisfied in season 5, and their history of miscommunication generally, I think it’s much better to be clear on these things. Discussion about threesomes before the event is usually a good idea for anyone *smiles*

 

Congratulations too on hitting the 100,000 word mark! I remember when you weren’t sure whether to keep going after chapter 4 *laughing* Have fun with your family : )

Author's Response:

1. I think you're right about the self-comforting aspect especially. That's a great way to put it. He is used to that and in the past hasn't allowed other to really comfort him at all, so it is the old pattern that hasn't been erased. And really, it's only in the next session that it will be fully addressed. Dr. Stevenson told Brian about reasons he tricks, but didn't discuss if/how/when to modify or end this behavior. 

 

2.I had a hard time writing Justin's response. Everything seemed like either too much or too little. I like your insight about how it really can't be that shocking anymore to Justin. I mean, I think he expected more, but it really wasn't that clear. Their relationship was in a sort of gray area. 

 

3. I completely agree that spoken, clear, acknowledged, explicit rules are best for their relationship. I think it's also what gives Brian a great deal of comfort...so much of his anxiety in this chapter was from not knowing what would happen when he got home. I think even if he knew the rule and broke it, he would have felt better because he knew  where he stood. The next session with Dr. Stevenson is going to be on this subject.... 

 

*grins thinking about 100.000 word mark*. It's true I wasn't sure about going on after chapter 4. It's because I knew if I didn't stop there, it was going to be very, very long. And see? I was right! *grins more*

Thanks so much for your support and insight into the story!!! 

I'm loving this so much, it's hearttouching (hmm is that a word in english?) ... beautiful writen. It's so believable. And the ending was so HOT !!

Have a good time with your family. Your story is definitely worth waiting for.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

*grins* Thank you so much! I'm so glad it was believable. This chapter was a struggle with that because it seemed like any reaction on Justin's part would either be too much or too little. 

*smiles that you liked the ending!* 

I'll update as often as possible! *hugs back!*

I just got through reading all the chapters, it took me a while, lol.

I don't see their rules working out very well. If Brian doesn't want to know about Justins tricking then on some level it either hurts him, makes him uncomfortable or jealous, or a combination of the three so then having them agree to only tricking with each other present is kind of contradicting that because if Brian doesnt want to think about Justin with other people then he is not going to cope with actually seeing it and participating in it.

I also thought Justin agreeing to those rules at this stage in their relationship was abit odd because Justin wants more than that so while it might only be temporary it will put another strain on their relationship which is disappointing when they were just starting to strengthen from all of the issues that came out in therapy.

The chapters are very well written and flow well and I really like the Gus interaction. Great story.

Author's Response:

*smiles -- it is hard to get through all the chapters* 

 

The rules will definitely have some unexpected consequences I think....  Brian is trying to compromise, but he might realize it isn't as easy as he wants to think.

I think Justin put the rules in mostly because he felt like Brian needed them, and I think Brian really does. It'll be interesitng to see how it plays out, for sure. 

Thanks so much for the kind compliments! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story! 

Just wanted to let you know I am still reading and watching and waiting up for this wonderful story!  Another chain of amazing chapters.  I'll miss your super awesome quick updates but this is CERTAINLY a story worth waiting for. Eagerly.  And with bated breath. ;)  And how hot was the end of that chapter?   Yum.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much!! I'm glad you've enjoyed the chapters so much. I will certainly update as much as I can, but it can't be nearly as frequently. Thanks so much for your support and eagerness to continue with the story. :) *smiles!*

I'm not sure if I'm more curious about how Justin would respond if he does or doesn't do it.  Both would be pretty interesting.  Looking forward to your update.  Feel free to write it both ways (LOL)

Author's Response:

*grins at the idea of a "choose your own ending" story* 

Great idea, but I doubt it'll work for this story! 

:) Hope you'll like how it turns out! :)

that's not a good sign. okay, stop at babylon, have a drink, CALL justin instead of doing some anonymous trick. looks like a back slip to me.

Author's Response:

*smiles* 

I am a little evil for this, aren't I? *evil smile* 

Calling Justin would certainly be a good idea... 

Ok, so fucking loving this!  A 'slip' into old habits.  It's a natural part of theraphy, set backs.  I wonder if he goes through with fucking the trick. If he does, I wouldn't be so hard on him.  Old habits are hard to break, and it would make for some interesting inner revelations when he discusses this with the Doc.  What were the feelings he was experiencing that made him go to Babylon?

And as for the phone call from Claire, again brilliant!  How could we forget that fucked up relationship? why does Brian always feel like he owes her? Hmmm...lots to explore there.

Loved this mini chapter! It set up so much, and prompted a lot of questions!

Author's Response:

The issue of Claire is going to be an interesting one, I think. Brian's slowly trying to tell me and Dr. Stevenson what the hell happened there.  :)

And you are totally right -- Brian has to get to realize what feelings trigger the tricking, and then decide whether, if those needs are met elsewhere, does he still want to trick (he may still say yes, after all -- he is Brian!). 

*grins* So glad you liked the mini chapter! :)

It won't surprise me if Brian goes ahead and -

"I can tell that some part of me wants to go into Babylon, fuck a trick, have a shot, and go home to Justin. "

does this because he isn't 100% where he needs to be yet, but I hope he rethinks this and pulls out so to speak.

This story just keeps getting better and better!

 

 

Author's Response:

*Smiles*

I think Brian's trying to do some thinking, but he doesn't know quite where to go with it. Uncertainty is the key, as I see it. 

You're absolutely right -- he's not at 100% yet.  But he will be *sighs* by the end of this story. :)

This read sooo much better for me. I loved that the doc focused on Brian's feelings on committment, and his relucantance to tell Justin he was at the hospital everynight, and how he felt about the prom.   Like I said, Brian is making remarkable progress. 

When Brian brought up the vermont trip with Justin later that night, it made more sense.  The emphasis on what Brian said when he came home, "your partner made partner" was the relevant point imo. And Justin got that.  "That" he didn't know.  It would have made a difference if he had known Brian's intentions were to make partner "for" his partner.  

Great revision!  I so look forward to more theraphy!

Author's Response:

I owe you so much. I don't know why I had brain damage for a while there. Thanks for pointing it out to me. 

I have a standalone... it goes through Brian's thoughts from getting the Brown account to finding out that Justin went to Vermont. I'm trying to decide whether to post it on my little "Bridges to Brian" series. 

Thanks again, so much, for your help. 

I'm just about to post a very tiny chapter to bridge to the next one tonight. 

*thanks you a milliion trillion times!* :)

 

*sighs*

Did I ever tell you how beautifuls these two people are? Together?

*sighs again*

I love this story!! It's amazing! Thanks again for sharing! *hugs*

Author's Response:

*Hugs* 

I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!! 

:)  :) :) You're most welcome! Thanks for reviewing!! 

I’m glad Dr Stevenson always seems to have a bottle of water available because at the rate either Brian and/or Justin keep crying they’d be desiccated husks by now *laughing* You know I love this story to death, but part of me is missing snarky, cynical Brian…..*tells self must be supportive of Brian’s attempt to become an emotionally actualized adult and not act like a season one psuedo-Mikey enabler*

 

I like Dr Stevenson’s attempt to move Brian away from the “black and white” mindset which characterizes his thinking. That it’s not just a choice between no commitment on one hand and marriage / monogamy on the other  - that just because he wasn’t physically by Justin’s side at the hospital doesn’t mean it was an act of complete abandonment. And as usual, I’m totally captivated by the way you incorporate and twist canon events. Meta as art.

Author's Response:

*thinks that maybe Brian should get a dry cleaning bill and a water bill from Dr. Stevenson* 

I miss cynical Brian, too. *sighs* Maybe I'll have to have him at Kinnetik or somewhere that I'm sure the more mature, open Brian hasn't been a whole lot. 

 

Dr. Stevenson's quest to help Brian to see things in a new way is complicated. I'm glad to hear that it's fitting in with canon okay (a big thanks to Gina Marie for that). 

:) *about to post new mini chapter* 

Thanks as always for your too-kind compliments!

Wow. You dealt with a lot of past issues in this chapter. A ton of misunderstanding, miscommunication, pain, regrets from S2, all out of the window.

I love these lines. They are true classic:

“What else did you do this weekend?” I ask, mentally preparing myself for a story about hot wax and whipped cream or something.

HeHe. The Doc is learning fast.

Huh? Took him to dinner? Like…just took him to dinner?

“Yeah, just took him to dinner, then a strip show and asked him to fuck himself on my cock. I can be a regular boyfriend too, you know. It doesn‘t always have to be something kinky.”

Ah. That’s better.

HaHa. Now the Doc is getting used to Brian's "language". No spilling of water or coffee. No speechlessness. I do wonder if Brian can come up with more things to shock the doc now.

“I… felt like I had to try. Had to try to make him happy. I called it -- taking a chance on love.”

How romantic!

"...You love him tremendously and it shows in everything that you do."

Ah. Looks like we are getting another BJ fan onboard. Welcome to our world, Doc!

Author's Response:

*loves that part, too!!*  Brian manages to do the "normal" thing for a second, right when Dr. Stevenson thought he knew what was coming. But then -- snap. Back to Brian's world. :)

 

*is sure that something will end up getting the Doc's...attention...again soon.* 

And you make a great point.... Dr. Stevenson is officially in the B/J fanclub. He's a fanDoc! ;) 

I like this - moving into healing now.  Putting some of it behind them.  Another good job.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad that you brought up this point -- it is, at this point, more toward healing and moving on. Dr. Stevenson is going through his notes to see what other issues he plans to address! 

Thanks for your constant support; it's very encouraging as I plan the next chatpers. :)

 

First off. thanks so much for throwing the coffee scene into Chapter 27 for me. That was really really sweet of you. My eye balls almost popped out of the sockets when I read Brian's description of the act. And then I laughed so loud when Dr Stevenson cursed and Brian smirked. I was depressed before I read Chapter 27. But afterwards, I felt much better. And when I felt bad again later in the day, I reminded myself of your gift to me and I felt better again. Thank you so much!

I noticed Brian silently asked for Justin's OK before he told the doc about the coffee-spilling inducing speech. You are really good with details.

And I can see Dr Stevenson starting to think like we QAF fans do. Being amazed at BJ togetherness. The physical connection... being like one in the chair. That's a powerful image. And the Dr letting them "cuddle" on the couch. That's just brilliant and exactly what the pair needed.

The way you unfold and explain the different scenes in S5 was great. Makes sense from top to bottom. Indeed, sometimes we can't keep looking back and re-judge what we did or didn't do.

For Chapter 28. We definitely can see Brian maturing. There are 2 things that popped in my mind as I read it.

(1) Will the Brian we know go too OOC? It will be interesting to see how you are going to balance his character's continuing growth without losing his trademark personality that made him the Brian everyone loves.

(2) How should BJ position themselves in their relationship? We saw them now being equal in sex acts (almost). We saw them both successful with career. We saw them both growing through therapy. We saw them both initiating the "sitting in the chair". But we also saw Brian being in a more dominant, typical male role in a relationship (putting Justin in his lap, pulling chair out for Justin, opening car door for Justin). Sometimes it makes me wonder how any type of relationship define itself...

OK. back to work.

PS. I feel so bad for you too about the incident with your friend. I would think the same way as you did. If she asked, I would have just given it to her even if I know that there is a chance I will never see the return. Life is certainly not always the way we want it to be.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you liked the coffee scene!! I was hoping that would cheer you up. No more hot beverages for Dr. Stevenson! ;)

I'm afraid Brian might be getting the idea of saying outrageous things just to see Dr. Stevenson's reaction... Brian thought Justin might be more shy... :) 

Is there anyone who isn't a little (or a lot) envious of the B/J relationship...well, Dr. Stevenson and I are surely are.  Dr. Stevenson figures he'll just go with the flow because as you said, it's what they need. 

I'm so glad you like how they're progressing through S5. I have such a hard time watching that season, I feel so bad for Brian through so much of it. There's more to come...

1) I worry about that all the time. I don't know. We'll have to see if I can balance it or not. I'll try. 

2) That's an excellent point. The nature of their relationship has always been so complicated, in terms of balance and control and whatever else. I think in some ways it is more balanced now. More than anything, I think it just matters less now.  There will probably be more developments related to this in upcoming chapters. 

*big smile* So glad you liked the chapters!!!

I'm glad Mikey didn't have aqueen out, that wouldn't have fit into this story.

The conversation in The Chair was good, they hashed out all the things from that time that needed to see the light of day and without the self blame ruining the point.

The date sounded wonderful, so romantic.

Just one thing; I'm not sure that Brian realizes that he already mad a commitment to Justin, it might not be monogamy and marriage, but it's still a commitment.

Author's Response:

You're exactly right -- since they promised Dr. Stevenson, they're trying to be more obejective and less emotional about everything. It does make for a better conversation when the tears and guilt don't take over everything. 

*amazed at how excited everyone is over one simple date night!* 

You're really perceptive on that one -- Brian doesn't get that. He has it all built up in his head as this big thing that he'll never accomplish. He doesn't understand that he has made promises and commitments to Justin and it wasn't the end of the world. There will be more developments on this topic soon.

 

Thanks for your thoughts!! 

It showed a great deal of growth on Brian's part to talk to Mikey and Justin... about why they said those things to him..and to let them know it upset him... rather then hold everything inside and pretending it doesn't matter... like he usually does.... and for once Mikey acted mature and answered whatever Brian asked without getting hysterical... 

Author's Response:

It is nice to see when people actually do grow and mature. I figured both Michael and Brian deserved that; they've been through a lot and ought to get something out of it! 

I'm glad you liked the chapter!

 I just caught up with these two chapters.  I don't know which one I liked better!  But this last one...the date...omg!  It tore at my heart.  I'm glad Brian is askign questions.  It's such a good sign, and it helps Michael and Justin have a better understanding of him. I think all their relationships are going to improve. 

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this sory! 

Author's Response:

*big smile* I'm so glad you liked the last couple chapters. I think what the makes it better for Brian now is that he's trying to look at it almost... objectively. They more or less promised not to delve into the emotions of it anymore, so at this point Brian can deal much better with things when looked at with distance that way. Hopefully this skills will transfer to all his relationships as you said. 

 

*hopes you'll continue to enjoy the story!* 

they were both drowning. dr. stevenson is their life line isn't he.

i can see how what michael said and justin's reaction to brandon nipping at brian's heels or the other guy rejecting him would throw him for a loop, but i can't believe brian would try again. he was saved by the bell, literaly.

so much guilt, so much pain. they will move on from this.

Author's Response:

I see how it does take a sort of stretch of imagination -- I just felt like a lot of the biggest "issues" for Brian about acceptance and approal and love were all being pulled around at the same time, by that time period and thought that he may've reacted this way. 

 

You're right that they'll move on, and I like that phrase "lifeline". Very apt! :)

Thanks so much for your thoughts!! :)

This was lovely! And I do enjoy how Brian keeps surprising the good doc with his openess regarding his sex life - lol :)

Good luck with the apratment showings :)

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! *laughs a little for poor Dr. Stevenson! No more hot beverages for him!* 

 

Thanks -- they seem to be showing it a lot so that's good at least. :) And I'm only moving 4 floors up to a bigger place, so it looks like it'll be the easiest move ever! *hee hee, hates moving but found an easy way to do it!* 

Just read this chapter... and like last night I do need a break just right now! But before I go I have to tell you something. But...

*sniffs*

I don't know if I'm able to do so! I want to tell - but it's like Brians own problems... You want to do something but it's so hard, so impossible... And your story reminds me of my own childhood, my teenage-time...

*cries*

And god-damned, thanks for Dr. Stevensons:

I deserve love!! Like Brian and every other person in the world too!

*goes + hide under my blanket*

Author's Response:

Awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!

**hugs!**

**Cries!**

**passes Kleenex**

*loves!*

---

“I deserve Justin’s love.”

 

I grin at him and pull him in for a hug. 

 

He hugs me back. 

 

Then he starts crying a little. ---

 

And guess what I am doing just right now...

 

*goes and gets some kleenex too*

Ben is soooo cute! I really love him too... But I can't wait to read more about what Michael would say! So you may guess what I'm planing to do just right now! *gg + runs straight to the following chapter*

Author's Response:

I like Ben a lot, too. I wish he were around more in this fic. Maybe in later chapters. :) 

 

I loved the part with Doc spilling his coffee, sooo funny!

Brian and Jusin had a lot of breakthroughs in this chpater and a lot of tears. I like that at least some of the issues were finally resolved, it's best to try and move on from things that you can never change. I swear everytime Justin calls Brian 'Beautiful', I melt. Even when I soo should not be so focused on that, it's just so sweet, and I think Brian revels in that too. Excellent chapter, despite whatever delay there was in posting, I think sometimes with therapy a few issues do need to be shelved for a later time because larger issues need more attention sooner. Ohh I'm so excited for the next chapter. :)

Author's Response:

*giggles thinking of poor Dr. Stevenson in his stained suit* 

Actually...I'm really excited that you like the "Beauitful" so much. It has a lot of significance to me and Brian, and possibly a good deal more later in the story, depending how things go. So... you're right in your focus in my book! 

Dr. Stevenson has a hard time knowing where to start and where to go, since so many of the issues are tangled with each other... he tells me sometimes how complicated a patient Brian is... !  *smiles*

Thanks so much and enjoy the next chapter!!! 

I can't say anything! I am still speechless... Great chapter anyway!! *hugs* But... Poor Brian... *sniff*

I love this fic so much. You take us from high angst to giggling humour, fabulous the shock Dr Stevenson's has every time Brian shares part of his sex life.

Author's Response:

Aw, what a great compliment! I'm delighted that my attempts at humor work. It's fun to imagine how people would react to the B/J dynamic, especially the B side of things... Poor Dr. Stevenson's getting an education! :)

 

Thank you so much for commenting and for loving the story! :)

Holy fuck, that was close. It was so fucking lucky that Lindsay called right then.

I always hated that scene at Michael and Ben's house, that is a shitty thing to say to your best friend, from the both of them because Brian was definitely no saint in that one.

I'm glad Dr. Stevenson could get through to them, I just hope he can get them to see that they didn't do this to each other, that there were so many factors out of their control at the time that it was almost inevitable, but that they are in a different place now and therefore not likely to be in that situation again.

Great chapter as usual.

Author's Response:

*smiles*... 

Dr. Stevenson... made the last chapter hard. He kept wanting me to add in all these things, but then...it seemed like sort of too much for one chapter. He keeps telling me he has too much work to do... *grin*

I'm glad that the phone call /third attempt isn't too out - of -place. I thought about all that was going on with Mel/Linds at that time and this occurred to me -- luckily for Brian...

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts!

What stood out to me most was your incorporating of the Brandon story line and how Justin completely overlooked what Brian was trying to tell him when he kept trying those shirts on. I'm not sure the episode but I'm sure you know the scene (since you wrote about it, haha). 

Brian actually ADMITS the fact that he got turned down upset him, and Justin threw it to the wayside claiming it happens to "everyone" like you quoted, then Brian says something like, "One small gesture overlooked." I ALWAYS thought he was talking about the fact he relatively, by Brian Kinney standards, opened up to Justin, admitting the rejection and Justin just overlooked the attempt instead of the obvious Brandon not succumbing to his Kinney charm.

That always kind of bothered me even though I could understand Justin's frustration as well.

...Woo, sorry I got a little elaborate with that but I was really really stoked when you worked that into the chapter since that one scene of the show always stood out to me.

Another fantastic chapter! I love how things are developing.

Author's Response:

I don't think any scene in QAF angers me more that one......Justin is totally just... *sighs in frustration at Justin's imperfection*. 

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who was struck by the scene and this interpretation of it *poor Brian!...! :). 

 

 

YES!! Go together to that damned therapist + talk to him, boys!!

Perhaps I should go with you - to ask the doc if I should read one more chapter or go to bed...

*yawns*

Author's Response:

*smile*! 

I don't know what Dr. Stevenson recommends... people need both sleep and fic, so I see the confilct there! And I know it well!

NO!! Justin's not definitely "too perfect"! He's a wonderful partner, a loveable friend, he's gorgeous and sweet + never ever "too perfect". He's the one, he's the person Brian needs most! And that's why Justin would never ever be too perfect to believable!

 

My point of view... And did I ever tell you how much I love "your" Justin & Brian? I didn't??

Okay, now I do... ;-)

Author's Response:

Thanks! I love your description of Justin! 

I'm so glad you love my Justin; I find him a lot harder to write than Brian. And as for my Brian, I needed everyone to love him as much as I do. Soo.. I guess my job here is done! :) 

 

 

*sighs for the xxxth time*

I can't stop reading! I am so fucking tired! (sorry... *gg*) But I have to read one more chapter... Thank god it's sunday today and I'll be able to sleep as long as I want!

Author's Response:

*laughs a little because I've been there*. Don't worry -- you can get to sleep and the whole story will be waiting for you! 

I love knowing you like it so much though! :)

yes post your stand alone. i'll read anything you write.

omg. where to begin. it was hot, it was tender. brian needed to let someone have control. who better than justin.

i want this to go on forever.

Author's Response:

*smiles, honored!* 

Aww, thanks so much! I just posted the standalone! Hope you'll like it!

And maybe this will be good news. A lot of the time I feel like this fic will go on forever! :)

***Thanks you!!***

Okay...

*coughs*

I need a refrigirator, a cigarette, ice-cubes... something like that! FRESH AIR!

*gasps*

And you're absolutely fucking right! Of course there was a plot!!! *nods* Nice plot! *coughs again* But *whispers* the porn was much better... *ggggggggg*

And why the hell are here just 10 points to rate this story, huh? I need 12! 15! Maybe 20 after this chapter!! *gggg*

Author's Response:

For some reason I'm just finding this one -- I'm so sorry for the delay! 

Anyway -- you're so sweet and I love your reviews! :) 

Phewwwww...

*coughs*

Have to go on reading... *runs for the next chapter*

I am definitely enjoying this story.  It's a different take and to me it does have a sense of being believable.  Keep those chapters coming!

Author's Response:

A new reviewer!! Woo-hoo! 

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to review! The next chapter's going a tiny bit slow but it'll be out soon! I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story!!!! :) :)

Ok, someone was in a mood.  *wicked smile*  Now I'm in a mood!  lol  That was unbelievably hot!  A nice break from all the angst. (though I love me angst!)

I wonder now that Brian has come to the understanding that it wasn't his fault, that he did deserve love, will he go into a mourning process? He was in denial, now that he's not any more will he be angry at his parents? AT all the wrongs done to him in the past?  Before he was just accepting of what happened to him thinking he deserved it some how, now he knows better.  I'm curious to see how he deals with his newfound revelation. 

Oh, and I LOVED Good Will Hunting!  And that scene..

 

 

Author's Response:

*giggles!* 

Okay...there MAY have been a mood involved. *doesn't see how she can totally deny that* 

However, bound!Brian is something I've sort of had... "on the horizon" of the story since... probably since the "About Me" chapter if not before. I'll go more into supporting that idea within the story (or story notes. Or a dissertation. Or something!) but suffice to say that there are several reasons for that choice. :)

I'm totally, genuinely amazed that my sex scenes (chapters) are so well - received; I don't care for them much for myself, though I'm very glad others do! 

You have a really interesting idea -- whether he'll be grieving. I've given this some thought, and I think it will involve some of these reactions, but there are also so many (*so many*) other issues, one in particular that I really wanted to deal with first -- that I doubt he'll be getting to "anger" for at least a chapter or two.

*thought referencing that scene would give people a visual of the same sort of emotional situation*  :)

Thanks so much for the review!

 

Oh. My. God.  Wow that was hot!

But like everything else with these two the actions are also conveying their emotions as well, the silent communication that is Brian & Justin. You did a fantastic job expressing Brian's emotional state at the very beginning and it makes complete sense that he would want (and Justin would want to give him) the caring and tenderness he missed in childhood and denied himself as an adult. Beautifully written.

And did I mention the sex was HOT? ;-)

 

 

Author's Response:

Oh, thanks so much!! I personally dislike my own sex scenes (or is that more accurately "sex chapters"?) and end up wondering how much I'm really capturing what I wanted to. And now I'm feeling way better because you make me think that I did. And the fact that it was hot is like the icing on the cake! ;) (or the honey on... never mind!!! lol!)

:) 

First comment - I always enjoy your fics, so please do post.

Second comment - it's believeable that Brian would just want to feel and not talk, and that Justin would support it.

Last comment - it's B/J, so scenes with minimal plot and maximum other stuff are always appreciated.  That was touching & hot.

Great writing.

Author's Response:

1. Thank you! I just posted because people were enthusiastic. :)

2. I'm glad it is. I would've posted it either way b/c I think it's what Brian needs, but knowing that it flows for readers too, in the story, is wonderful so thank you! 

3. *grin* True... Glad you enjoyed it! 

 

Thanks so much as always!! 

Wonderfully...HOT...  I'll have you know I had to pull my head out of the freezer to write this..lol.... I think you handled Brian's reaction to the session perfectly...  It's only natural that he would feel empty and drained after spilling his "guts" out to the Dr... I love the whole chapter by my favorite line was when Brian said.."Do anything you want with me, Justin..I trust you"..  I absolutely would love to read the Debbie stand alone...and anything else you may have written......

Author's Response:

*big smile* :) It's really a relief that the post-session seemed realistic. It was difficult to write -- I mean, when there's no words for a feeling, writing that for an extended amount of time kinda sucks. So I'm glad I pulled it off somehow! 

That's my favorite line, too... That and "I want this forever." :)

Thansks so much -- just posted the standalone! :)