I want to punch Michael now. 

I want to cuddle Justin so bad, and Brian - I am so proud of him (hugsssssss)

*takes a deep breath*

It's so hard to read about Brian + that he doesn't know about what Michael DIDN'T do! *sighs*

And I am too curious - have to go and read the next chapter!!

Author's Response:

That part is very sad; to think he's going around not knowing how people should be treating him. 

There is going to be more on this topic later on with Dr. Stevenson. 

 

Pure angst (except for the start, of course).  Gotta love it.

I'm hoping that the doctor can alleviate the unreasonable guilt Justin's feeling and lower the pressure on him.  Brian's life hanging on his staying/going isn't a happy place to be.

Excellent writing, as ever.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I had a feeling angst-lovers would be happy with these chapters! 

Dr. Stevenson is going to have a big session on guilt with Justin and Brian both and hopefully start to get them straightened out, because you're right -- it's not a pretty place o be at all. 

Thanks again for the lovely review! :)

Another great chapter.  I was gobsmacked by your insight into Mikey's part in the scarfing incident.  I never even considered that Mikey should possibly have done more - perhaps talked more to Brian about his feelings, even encouraged him to possibly see someone, that sort of thing.  But when you wrote that chapter it just became all clear.  Does that make sense?  Anyway, thank you for giving us this story.

Author's Response:

It makes sense! I'm just glad the chapter makes sense... I never thought about it a lot until I really started seeing it as a real attempt, then it's like "Okay, Mikey....are you seriously leaving for the other side of the country right now?" I mean, at least he comes back for the bashing -- but still... seeing Brian like that, after a suicide attempt -- I would be... a lot more than concerned.. . 

Thank you SO much for reading and reviewing!! I hope you'll like how the "Mikey part" plays out in the next few chapters. :)

Good ol Mikey, your my best friend, but when I find u hanging yourself I'll buy whatever crap you're spewing and go about my life,ugh. I could see him delaying telling anyone because of the bashing, but he obviously wasn't concerned at all since he was already boarding the plane to move to wherever with Dr. Dave before he even knew about the bashing. Obviously Brians actions that night weren't the same as his usual fare of drinking and whatnot with anonymous tricks, he was alone and he was in pain and his "best friend" was not mature enough to handle that, so he put it out of his mind.

I really like that even in Brians therapy sessions u have Justin recognizing his own part in Brians emotional problems, like with the death day party. Too many people write Brian off as the asshole and make Justin an angel, no matter that he hurt Brian probably worse than Brian could hurt him.

I really love your portarayal of Dr. Stevenson and the way he instinctivly knows when Brian is not ready to talk about something and backs off.

Overall I loved it! the next time Justin sees Michael its gonna be hard to explain where all that anger is coming from,lol.

Author's Response:

I think you make a really interesting point about Justin's ability to hurt Brian. I'm inclined to agree with you, just because Justin has so many more effective support systems -- his mother, Daphne, his art, minimally. Brian on the other hand... Also, I think Justin has a better understanding of relationships in general and would at least have a better understanding. I think Brian lacks that... 

Also -- you're right. I mean, Michael was still totally ready to fly across the country. I am sure taht he does care, but I don't think he grasps the depth of what Brian felt, and he couldn't respond in the right way. 

Ah yes. Justin's anger at Mikey. You'll see that in the next chapter. :) *spoiler!* 

Thank you SO MUCH for the review! You bring up many good points for me to think about. :) Hope you'll enjoy the next one!

omgomgomgomgomg....I can't believe I didn't even realize that. Now I am wondering, Why didn't Mikey tell anybody? For a bestfriend, it really looks like he did a shit job of it. Phew, so many revelations, I am so excited to read your next chapter. Each chapter just builds up to a new discovery. When you mentioned angst, boy did you mean it, poor Justin is being pulled through all this. He's a strong person but it's so sad when he gets emotional. I'm still reeling from the Mikey stuff...wow. Great chapter!

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked the chapter and that the revelations seem plausible. The next chapter is less angsty, though I'll be dealving back into the whole B/J guilt-and-suicide-related issues soon after that. 

I'm thrilled that the chapters are able to pull you in that way. :) I hope you'll like the next one as well. :)

Great chapter.  A few things about Brian's 'thinking' bothers me.  In the beginning he tells Justin as long as "I have you"  he won't ever be in 'that' place again. Ouch. Lot of responsibility on Justin.   Kind of like the demented partner telling his/her lover that they'll kill themselves if they ever leave.   That's not a good enough reason for Brian not to attempt suicide again, and it's not fair to Justin to hold that kind of responsiblity.  What if down the road Justin wants to leave?  he wouldn't cause he'd have the guilt that if he did, Brian might do something stupid.  NO, I don't like Brian feeling that way.

I'm not sure why the doc and Justin are freaked about what Mikey did either.  Should he have told someone?  Maybe he would have if Justin didn't get bashed that very same night.  Thoughts of what Brian did earlier I'm sure flew out of his head, and I believe that Mikey believed that Brian was just being his reckless self.  Lets not forget Mikey's known Brian a VERY long time. He's use to Brian drinking and drugging to excess. Scarfing would be in character for Brian. He's always lived dangerously.  Going home with strange men who could have killed him, or slipped him a drug while he wasn't looking.   It could have happened. he was always high when he went home or took tricks homes. Often he didn't even remember the previious evenings events like what he did, or who he fucked. Everyone knew this about him, including Justin. So Mikey witnessing a sexual act that Brian did that almost gone bad wouldn't be shocking to him.  And he did yell at Brian that one day he was going to get himself killed. A speech he's said before, as Debbie has said, and Lins I'm sure. 

Sorry for the long comment, but I just don't see the 'shocked' reaction from Justin as real.  The Doc, yeah, he's an outsider, but from Justin, no. He of all people knew how dangerously Brian lived.  He witnessed Brian going home with a total stranger fucked up out of his mind and he did nothing.  He did pretty much what Mikey did, told him "you don't know him, he could kill you" or something like that. Point is he warned him, then let him go off wiht that guy. Mikey warned Brian, and then Brian promised him he wasn't trying to kill himself, that he just went a bit too far in a sexual act.

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now. Obviously great chapter! And I don't want to end with out mentioning how fucking HOT that openign scene was!  Whew!

Lots to consider in this chapter.  Great update.

Author's Response:

I know... I think Brian's just trying to say he gets what Justin means by being "partners" but... he may be taking things a little too far. We'll have to see how Justin feels about that.... You make a very good point. 

I think Justin is shocked not so much by Brian's behavior, but because he is starting to see more of his own role and he's feeling a lot of regret. I think Justin's feeling like he was too self-involved in a way and missed warning signs that he feels now (in retrospect) that he should have seen. And I think he's sad for Brian for his lack of support.

I think you're right about the general recklessness of Brian's behavior, and people do talk to him about that... I think maybe I will put this in. The concern though is that no one tries to find out what feelings or problems are underlying his behavior. I'm going to try to have Dr. Stevenson address some of this with him, especially now that I'm thinking more about it, so thank you so much for your thoughts on this topic.

*So happy you liked the opening scene!* :) :) Great way to wake up, huh? :)

I am now sufficiently recovered from my angst wallowing to actually think a little more about chapters 21 and 22! While I certainly don’t think Justin is responsible for Brian’s suicide attempts, those chapters help assuage my dislike of Justin. He’s forced to confront the reality of Brian and certain aspects of his own behaviour.

Love that you mentioned the “Death Day Party”!!!

My feeling has always been that Michael had a good suspicion of what’s going on in 122 but simply doesn’t have the maturity or strength of character to do much of anything about it. The reaction of Dr Stevenson is perfect; it’s heartrending to think that the only help or comfort Brian receives from his best friend, the person who is supposed to know and love him most, is “you’ll always be young, you’ll always be beautiful”….in that one comment Michael effectively chooses his illusion of Brian over the real person.

Michael just can’t let go of his make-believe, life-sized Brian doll.

 

It also makes me think of Lindsay’s casual, throw-away remake in a later episode about Brian nearly killing himself on his last birthday….she certainly didn’t seem too concerned either….

 

Your writing is just so very, very good.

Author's Response:

You're right! I wasn't even thinking about Lindsay a lot -- I sort of was, but you're totally right... even she's not even much more concerned. It makes me wonder what would make them concerned.

I love the way you put that -- Mikey choosing the illusion over the real Brian. That's perfect.

I think that's mostly where Justin's emotions are at the end of this chapter -- regret, a lot of regret, and realizing what it almost cost him. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and you are just way too kind!! :)

The morning was hot, and loving :)

I loved the way you made Justin realize what had been going on around that time. I think they will have to work out all the guilt they are both feeling if they want to move forward, it's clouding their judgment.

I can understand why Dr. Stevenson is so shocked by that whole scarfing scene, it's really very traumatic. I hope he somehow manages to convey to Brian that Mikey has been horribly wrong in not doing anything more than what he did, and I hope that Justin goes of on him, Michael I mean.

As usual a great chapter.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad that the morning scene wasn't totally lost in the angst -- I was trying my best to capture the sort of "ice cream kiss" spirit (damn I just love that scene so much) and continue it... Anyway. :)

I think you're right -- their judgment is really starting to be impacted. I think Dr. Stevenson is going to have to have sort of a heavy hand and help them out on this one.

Dr. Stevenson is still being educated by Brian's lifestyle, and then adding the temendous trauma as you said. No wonder he's all wet...!

To me, that's the saddest part of Mikey's response -- it highlights for me how shallow Brian's whole level of support is, and I start to wonder about how Brian expects to be treated by those who love him. That's what I most wanted to convey with Brian's innocence at the end of this chapter -- I think correcting this is possible... I hpoe Dr. Stevenson knows how! 

As for Justin... a pretty dramatic scene is forming in my mind with him, Michael and Ben. So that will be in a chapter coming soon! 

Thanks so much for your thoughts -- it's invaluable to me to see how the story is coming across in this way and the support encourages me to keep it going. Thank you!!! :)

Worth the wait!  The beginning was so tender and lovely and I'm glad that Mikey and all of his enabling of Brian's destructive behavior is about to be adressed.  Fabulous.

Author's Response:

You're my 200th Reviewer!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much!!! Unfortunately, no prize seems forthcoming, except for my most enthusiastic THANK YOU!!!!! :) :) 

 

I'm so glad it was worth the wait! A bunch of my plans for the day got all messed up, then I got caught in a huge downpour (I mean I walked 2 blocks *with an umbrella* and came out looking like I'd spent 2 minutes fully clothed in the shower) which caused me to miss the train I was trying to catch. The whole time I kept thinking, "Why did I ever say when I would be posting the next chapter!?!"

Anyway, enough with my excuses/reasons! 

*happy that people remembered the beginning, too!* 

Yes... Mikey. Such a complicated subject...I hope I can make it turn out okay. 

Thanks so much again!!