waiting for the next chapter :D:D:D

Author's Response:

*grins*

 

Just posted! The wait is over! (Though it is a short chapter!) ;)

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! Brian is going to be a mess:(

Great update!

Author's Response:

Yep.... He definitely is going to be  a mess, and it won't be an easy fix. Hopefully he'll come out of it with a better understanding of himself and stronger relationships... 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts and support!

Poor Brian!  So many choices, it's a shame that he insists upon making all the decisions himself.  Sorry you have a cold/flu, but I bet it will make writing Brian's not feeling well much easier. lol.  Great chapter and looking forward to the next.

Author's Response:

LOL! :) Yeah, maybe I should've written all the sick scenes when I felt terrible! That probably would help, actually... :) 

Thanks so much for the review! :) Hope you like the next chapter, just posted. :)

cisplatin far better, my uncle had both when he was going through his treatment.  ifosfamide is way worse.  he didn't know who he was, where he was, what time or day it was.  horrible to watch.  brian will be better with cisplatin--side affects a lot less, although there is a lot of nausea.  they can give him medicine for that.  i forget what it's called-but i do remember the cisplatin.  it's going to be a long haul.  it took my uncle three months of being on the meds to see improvement.  the best thing is today he is healthy and living his life.  your story brings that all back-bittersweet.  this story is wonderful, very educating to those reading.  you are doing a good job. lol

Author's Response:

Wow -- that must have been terrible. It as hard to decide because as a writer, part of me was excited by the possibility of the cognitive side effects, but ultimately he has enough going on with the BDD issues. 

Thanks so much for your insights into treatment and recovery; they are very useful to me as I try to plan the story as realistically as possible. :) Thanks for your thoughts!

Another great chapter :) poor Brian he really does make it hard on himself, if he could only share some details with the people who love him.

Author's Response:

I know -- but don't worry, Dr. Tarrou's trying to teach him how to share better so hopefully he'll learn that and apply it!! :)

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts!:)

I know this is Brian we're talking about, but I wish he had taken Justin with him. Hopeth is will not make him backtrack.

Author's Response:

I know, I wish he would, too. Justin will be at first real treatment though, so that's good, and the next therapy one (after the one I just posted). It should get pretty interesting..... *grins* 

 

Thanks for th review!

Okay... I should stop trying to read this at work. I decided to start from chapter 1 and read through since there was a new chapter that was posted. Well, I am crying my eyes out and my co-work is telling me, "You know not to get too attached to these cases... you will never survive this business if you do."... I work at a lawfirm. Ohhh if he only knew. I am once again being moved with this story and B/J relationship. Thank you for the update and your commitment to give me something to look forward to when visiting the site :o) Thumps up again!!!

Author's Response:

Aww, thanks so much! I'm touched that the story has enough meaning to provoke that sort of response (though yeah, maybe reading at work will have to wait, LOL!!). Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback; it's amazing to know how others feel about the story and it really helps me to shape future chapters! :) 

Beautiful chapter. Very powerful writing. Justin being Brian's emotional strength and  finding a way to reassure him that he still finds him attractive. Just wonderful.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much -- I'm excited to hear that you're enjoying the story! Thanks so much for the kind words!

God, I'm glad I don't actually have to say anything right now, that I just have to write because I'm not sure I could form coherent centences right now.

This was very powerful and very heart wrentching. I'm glad Justin pushed for more, glad that Brian saw that Justin didn't find him repulsive in any way, that he still finds him as attractive as he's always done.

I think this might have been a bit of a break through for Brian, at least I hopse it has.

I know exactly how you feel about a chapter just now coming to you. I feel the same way about almost all my WIP's and it's pissing me off!!!!!

I'm glad you got the inspiration back, now I just hope it stays :D

Author's Response:

I think it was a breakthrough for him in as much as now he has some ways to reassure himself that is more substantial than just repeating phrases to himself. He has what Justin said, and the undeniable evidence of Justin's cock. ;) 

 

I'm so glad that the chapter had this effect -- I'm always writing a chapter with a particular emotional goal or place I want readers to get to, and your review lets me know that I must've gotten there! :) :) 

 

That's what was holding up the chapter in fact -- I couldn't get that emotional goal place clear enough in my mind. Luckily this seems to have resolved itself. I hope it'll go better fr you soon too!! 

I had problems reading this page in the bigger size#15

 i had to use the reg size to read it all

i very much enjoy reading this story i am glad justin his helping brian

i look forward to reading the next chapter great writter and wonderful story

maybe it's my computer i not sure though thanks

Author's Response:

I've been having some problems occasionally when posting; for some reason the font size changes when I scroll down and I don't know why --I'm sorry -- I wish I could help! 

 

Thanks so very much; I'm glad you're enjoying the story! Thanks for writing in!

This is so good, so emotional.
Hope to see an update really soon.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Thanks so very much! I just posted an update -- not *really* soon but  sooner than normal lately! 

 

Hope you're well! 

 

*hugs*

I love this.

 

Things that I love: the image of Brian losing himself in advertising work (the idea that it’s about making illusionary things “real” is fantastic given that the nightmare *is* his reality); the idea that Brian reverts to learned, self-protection mechanisms as a way of forcing himself to look at his body; and the painful confrontation where Justin wants to “see” Brian. Something Justin was lacking in canon I think, but makes a nice theme / metaphor in this story…

 

*thinks I might have to marry Hennie as well*

Author's Response:

*grins*

 

I love the idea of reversion to techniques learned in the past -- as you'll see, that continues in the following chapter: an unexpected recurring theme!

I must have a little kink for confrontation scenes ( an equal counterbalance to my dread of them in RL) because I loved writing it! ;) 

 

Thanks so much -- I love knowing which parts you most enjoyed! 

 

*grins*

How clever of Justin to put his response to seeing Brian in sexual terms. His dick responding to Brian's dick. Perfect! Glad he forced the issue. Brian would just keep putting it off.  Justin really needs to sit in on at least one of Brian's sessions so that they can work together on the touching issue.  I still believe that once Brian gets over the that issue things will progress much faster.  He is such a tactile person that not touching is complicating everything even more.  Great chapter! Looking forward to more!  How's the new job going? Hope everything is well with you and RL.

Ro

Author's Response:

You're definitely thinking along the same lines as Dr. Tarrou. She's going to discuss the touching issue with him privately in Ch. 23 and then in the next session -- I'm thinking that'll be Ch. 25 but I could be wrong -- with B/J together. It'll be a long and extremely gradual process of recovery for that -- it's my most speculative psych construct in the story, but I'm looking forward to exploring it and trying to get it across as well as I can! :) 

 

The job's alright; a mixed bag like anything else I suppose... I've been sick but at least that's enabled me to get a lot of writing done! :)  I hope you're doing well! :) :) Thanks again for the review and support of the story!

I feel so badly for what Brian thinks he sees ... but I'm glad he feels comfortable enough at the moment to let Justin in and tell him what he thinks he looks like.

This story is so fascinating and intriguing. Congrats on the new job! :)

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! I'm so happy that you're enjoying the story. You're right -- that's a good sign of progress for him! :) 

 

Thanks for reading and for the well wishes! 

I absolutely love this story and was thrilled to see that you'd posted another chapter. I'm glad to read that this will be a long story which tells me the healing process won't be rushed. Too often I've read stories of illness and recovery which I've really enjoyed but they're dealt with too quickly. I'm  really enjoying your writing. When can we expect the next chapter?

Author's Response:

*giggles* 

I meant to reply a long time ago to warn you that the chapters for this story are going very slow but you've probably noticed that by now! Luckily I just ordered a new laptop (my current one is accumulating problems, including a battery that won't charge) so I'll be able to write more on my commute. That should mean quicker chapters! :) I am sorry for all the delays... 

I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying the story. I definitely won't be rushing the recovery at all, though some time compression will be necessary in the psych treatment side -- in RL the treatment could go on for months or even years. I'll go through a lengthy process and I won't skip steps, but I won't detail *that* many sessions -- I wouldn't even know how to make that remotely interesting, come to think of it.... :) 

 

Thanks again for your kind review!! :)

So glad you got a new job! Just please, please would you update at least once a week? I so love this story, I even checked every day to see if there was a new chapter!

* waves back * Congrats for the job.

This is so heartbreaking seeing Brian so insecure, but glad he has Justin for help.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! 

 

I know it is heartbreaking... it seems that's my favorite thing to write! ;)  Thanks so much for reading and commenting and being so supportive as always! :)

*hugs back*

I'm so happy to see an update.  I really love this story and all the emotion that Brian is forced to deal with.  Great job as I've come to expect.  Thanks.  I hope things in your life get under control and you find the time to write, I'll be waiting for updates when you have time.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! I love that aspect of it to -- forcing Brian to deal with emotions is a serious kink of mine! 

Things have calmed down somewhat, I'm happy to say. I also just bought a new netbook (the current one's battery doesn't work so it's no longer portable) so I'll be able  to do more writing on the train -- I can't wait! 

I'm sorry the replies are taking so long -- thank you so much for the comments and support! :)

Tiffany

Progress.  I hate that Brian always seems to see and feel the negative.  I wish that he would let Justin hold him and comfort him.  I know he would feel better in the long run if he did.  How does he think he's going to be with the purple gang with out any PDAs with Justin. Everyone will know that something is up with them.  I can hear Michael now. He is sure to read something into Brian not touching Justin at all during pasta night at Debbie's.

Congrats on the new job! Boo on the drive! I hope everything works out for you!

Ro

Author's Response:

You have a great point -- it will become suspicious pretty fast when Brian doesn't come on to Justin in public at all! *wonders how Brian will handle this*

I can definitely imagine a little confrontational Mikey scene.... *considers* *rubs hands together in a scheming sort of way* 

 

:) :) 

Thanks so much for the comments and well wishes! The job is a mixed bag, like most things. I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply! Hope you're well!

this is a wonderful story and very relevant in today's society.  i had a family member go through a similar situation with testicular cancer.  you are right on the money in the healing process.  it takes a long time for the mind and body to heal and be as one again.  the story is very poignant and sad for all involved.  brian will be fine after a while with justins help, support and love.  love is what heals, knowing someone is there and cares makes all the difference in the world.  wonderful writing.  keep it going--it's soooo good.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much; it makes me so happy to hear that it is reflective of reality in some way. I hope you'll let me know if it ever strays from that. 

It definitely will take a long time -- this will be a pretty long story all right! Thanks so much for your kind words!

very tough thing for brian to try and handle by himself. he has to look at himself when justin is with him so justin can tell him what he sees.

my heart is breaking.

Author's Response:

They'll get there soon -- but it'll be a slow process, because I want to try to explore lots of layers to how Brian feels and sees himself.  I know -- these assignments are sure to be heart breakers -- thanks for sharing your thoughts!

It's always the hardest to admit "I don't know", even for people who aren't sick. And that kind of makes me wonder. We have "labeled" Brian as a brutally honest person in the TV series. But was he really honest? He wasn't honest to telling Justin how he felt for a long long time. He wasn't honest to express his motive whenever he helped his loved ones. His honesty was only exposed through his eyes. He could never hide his feelings there.

It will be interesting to see how (more like IF) he will let Justin tell him what Justin saw AND actually believe in what Justin will say.

PS. Good luck with your interview. I hope you will get it. I heard something very inspiring this week. "Don't be afriad to work for a bad boss or work in a job that you didn't want to do in the first place. It may actually turn out to be the best learning experience."  I am going to follow this advice. I hope your new job will be one of the best learning experience too!

Author's Response:

I totally agree in your assessment  of Brian's honesty. He's very honest about certain things, but to me there's a certain human side of himself that he really isn't honest about often -- not about his feelings, not about his relationships, or other sides of himself that didn't fit with his image. (Ecept, as you say, through his eyes.)

As you'll see, Brian starts slowly -- but next will be the part when Justin will watch as Brian looks, then finally when Justin himself looks. This story will be very, very incremental like that, mostly because I want to explore each little layer of Brian's feelings and perceptions. As for how long before Brian can *believe* what Justin will tell him -- that's anyone's guess. It'll be a long story though, I can guarantee that! :) 

 

Thanks so much. I like my job much better than my old one so far. The people are nicer. The job is different (the kids are a lot different) so it takes some getting used to, but it's coming along. :) Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes!

i don't know what is going to be harder for him, to touch and look at himself five times by tuesday when goes back to see dr. tarrou or having justin watch him. i hope he makes it through the weekend.

Author's Response:

As you'll see -- he starts slow, and even there he struggles.  It's going to be one very rough weekend -- all the homework assignments will be hard on him, but hopefully we'll see the progress that (eventually) comes with all the pain. Thanks so much for the review!

Bravo! The doc making him open his mouth and speak.  Shrugging and nods do not a conversation make! LOL  I love the "homework" assignments.  Letting Justin see him is exactly what he needs to do.  Maybe Justin can help him dispel the false vision of his body that haunts him.  This condition sounds a lot like what people with eating disorders deal with. They see themselves as fat when they actually weigh 90 lbs. soaking wet. 

 How very sad that Brian has to equate everything with sex.  He has so few ways to validate himself that sex is the main yardstick that he uses.  Such a simple thing like shaking hands becomes a form of seduction for Brian. A prelude to the dance of his advertising prowess.  Most cannot resist his charms.  If he can't shake hands, he can't begin the seduction making that first eye contact if he thinks he is not beautiful anymore. It is all of a piece for him.  If he can't sell himself (thinks he's ugly), he can't do business.  If he can't get it up (radiation-deformed), he can't be the stud of Liberty.  Brian totally discounts the intelligent, talented and caring man that he is without the sex to validate him.  I find it fascinating that he can see those things and promote them in Justin to help him recover after the bashing, but forgets those very things about himself.

Anyway, I ramble.  BTW, I'm so glad the positive vibes are helping! And, I would love to see some of your research.  Keep it coming!

Ro

Author's Response:

Exactly! The doctor has a long way to go before one could call it a "conversation" but at least she got some verbal responses out of him. As you'll see, Justin hasn't seen -- yet, but he will soon (next chapter). 

You're right -- the condition is very similar to with those with eating disorders go through. In fact, some consider that a subset or type of BDD. 

I love your analysis of his seductive powers as a businessman; that's such an eloquent way of viewing what I was aiming for.  He does have a tendency to discount the other aspects of himself, outside of his looks and sex appeal -- that's an issue that Dr. Tarrou will be getting into later in the story. As you say, he knows the value of other traits in others (Justin)  but struggles to apply that to himself. I'm really excited by your review because it shows me that I've gotten some of the main themes of the story across-- so don't apologize for rambling! :) 

The good vibes helped a lot -- thanks again for that! The new job is much better than the old one, even if the commute is twice as long! :) Oh, and the research chapter -- I haven't forgotten, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to post it. 

Looks like it will be a difficult weekend for Brian. I am intrigued by the blanket.

Good luck with the interview. x

Author's Response:

As you'll see in the chapter I (FINALLY) posted, it is a hard weekend -- and it'll get harder. I'm very excited for the blanket part -- 2 more chapters til it's introduced. It'll be a recurring theme thereafter. 

 

Thanks -- I did end up finding  new job that I really like (though I'm still finding my way through it). :)

I love the way Brian’s exploration of his own body flows on from the literal nightmare, in the middle of the night. The blurring between real / unreal is emphasized by Justin’s presence / non-presence nearby, I think.

 

You already know my thoughts on Dr Tarrou and her interactions with Brian :) But what really hits home with this chapter is just *how* central appearances are to Brian (and why treatment won’t be a quick process). The fact that he examines the appearance of Dr Tarrou’s room to make an assessment of her success (and by association, value as a doctor), his decision to attend in a suit (an attempt at empowerment through disguise). And he’s not entirely wrong, because Dr Tarrou also makes assessments based on his appearance…the play between visual / verbal signifiers is great. Your explanation of the physiological and cognitive aspects of the illness came through really well, too.

 

*clucks happily at Hennie*

Author's Response:

*giggles*

Okay, I just posted Ch. 30 and before I posted it I was thinking about asking you to tell me what you thought about why Brian's reaction differed the second time he looked at himself. Then I read this -- your part about Justin's presence blurring the real and unreal... 

And that was *precisely* what I was thinking about for Ch. 30! Isn't that funny? I must've stored your brilliant comment in my subconscious for a while! 

Yes -- he and Dr. Tarrou have something in common, as far as that goes. It's probably a universal trait -- not in degree, but in as much as its rather an unconscious assessment that most people make. (How they use that information, of course, and what import they give it, will vary.) Dr. Tarrou's not, I don't think, especially more judgmental than others, but she's aware of her judgments and doesn't mask them. It does make for some interesting interplay... 

I'm excited to hear that the psych explanations came through well. I took them at the gut level -- how I think I personally would start such an explanation. It will come as no surprise that Dr. Tarrou and I are hardly strangers to each other... !! LOL 

 

*clucks back at Hennie's insistence*

 

 

PLEASE Tiff would you try to update soon? I'm loving your fic, it's so realistic, honest and moving I can't wait to read what's next :) You're GENIOUS!

Author's Response:

*shyly* I'm sorry for the late update. RL has been / was a mess --  job woes, then HR problems getting paid, and a 4 hour daily commute to the new place. I'm hoping things will settle down soon... 

*blushes*

I'm very happy to hear your assessment of the story;  I hope somehow the new chapter is worth the wait.

A fine chapter. In particular, I like the way you describe Brian's inner monoloque. There is an interesting contradiction about his character. What he says, how he portrays himself to the doctor and what's going on in his mind are two different things. The tension that rises from that duality seems to be swelling inside of him. I'm waiting to see what the conseguenses will be.

In his thoughts, I think, there are a few key words to his illness. Fake. Inhuman. Not there. And of course the one you point out to the reader: marked. I'm intriqued.

PS There's a minor mistake with tense in the 13th paragraph that you might want to fix.

Author's Response:

That's an excellent point -- I love using inner dialog in order to look at issues like that. Especially when writing in third person, it provides a lot of opportunities to look at disparities in reality vs. perception, feeling vs. facade...  He is facing a lot of identity issues and I agree that it is causing a great deal of tension. The reality he faces now is still living very much in the mind/background/memory of his former self. Gradually the "new" Brian will have more of an identity of his own -- meanwhile, Brian has to fight that development...

I like your word choices. And "marked" will, I'm hoping, have particular significance when they get to looking more closely at his childhood. At least, I'm hoping I can make it work in the way that I imagine. 

Thanks -- I'll go back and fix that. 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback; it does help a great deal to gauge what to do for upcoming chapters. :)

Great start to the therapy!  The suit is a nice touch. Brian wears Armani like a suit of armour which he really needs right now. When Brian suits up it gives him confidence and strength. It makes him look powerful because he doesn't feel very powerful right now.  His self image is so fragile right now that he needs all the help he can get.  Brian seems to see himself as almost a leper. The way he describes the sores and that touch would hurt.

I'm so glad he admitted that he had Justin in his life. Justin needs to sit in with the therapist to be able to understand Brian's problem better.  Maybe not with Brian, but at least see the doc.  Justin and his love and the fact that Brian knows that he will always be there to help him is the key to getting Brian back on track.

Super chapter! Good luck with your job situation. I'll keep sending out positive vibes for a good outcome!

Ro

 

Author's Response:

*grins*

Yes, his suit!!! That's just what I was thinking when I described it and their interaction! I'm so happy that you picked up on it! *sighs happily* 

It brings up lots of issues -- Brian's insecurity, the safety of his persona, what he thinks he needs to be like (and why). All things for Dr. Tarrou to try to decipher... 

I like the idea of Justin going but not at the same exact time as Brian... I'm still deciding how to handle it. I hate deciding things like that because if I choose wrong, it becomes hard to fix in the story in a realistic way... 

 

Thanks so much -- I have an interview Monday and I'm hoping to hear back from another place too (really, really hoping) so I think your positivity is working! Thanks and keep it coming! ;) 

Tiffany

she's a godsend for him. now the only thing he has to do is listen to her. she should meet with justin because i don't think he's going to get the full story of what the dr. said.

Author's Response:

I completely agree; Justin has a very important role to play. It comes up a bit in the chapter I just posted but that's just the beginning. Thanks so much for taking the time to review ! :)

Wow I had no idea that ppl can percive a different reality like that. I guess it is a bit like Anerexic ppl seeing themselves as fat.

The doctor has a major job turning Brian's headspace around because some of it obviously goes back to childhood self esteem issues.

Great chapter again I would be intrested in a the more in depth chappy

Author's Response:

Yes -- yes! That's exactly the type of problem I'm talking about. I'll post more about it later, but there are many forms under the general umbrella of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I'm speculating a bit about the origins / manifestations of it, as that's not fully understood, but that's exactly the type of thing I'm thinking f. 

Thanks so much! :) :)

Wonderful update, glad brian is actually listening to the doctor and hope he continues. Always willing to read everything you post here. Looking forward to the next update.

Author's Response:

I'm glad he's listening, too -- I'm surprised at him. I guess these problems are severe enough that they have his attention and he really understands that it's totally impractical to live his life as is. He needs help.... 

Thanks so much; that's very sweet. I'm lucky to have such wonderful readers....!! :)

Yay for update :)

This was great, I really hope that Brian will let both Dr. Tarrou and Justin help his brain to get a clearer, more acurate picture of what he looks like now.

I'm looking forward to the next one :)

Author's Response:

I think Brian will be fairly open to accepting help; it's very hard for him to deny such constant and visceral problems, so his refusals can really only last so long. I  hope you'll enjoy the next chapter! Thanks so, so much for your support, as always. :) :)

You know, the issue of Justin wanting to touch Brian has been present throughout a number of chapters now, but it only really hit me with this one *is slow* Their whole relationship, or rather the communication methods underlying the relationship, is based on physicality. So a huge part of the struggle is not simply for Brian/Justin to understand the medical implications of Brian’s illness, but about “language” itself ie physical language has been displaced and they have to find different methods of communication. It just snuck up and hit me on the head – I mean, of course I was aware of it as an issue but…yeah.

 

So in that sense, when Brian thinks “Don’t you understand?” and Justin “He couldn’t understand what had happened”, it’s arguable that there is more than one level of meaning at stake. There’s the literal disconnect between Brian seeing himself as hideous, and questioning how Justin *doesn’t* see it; and Justin struggling to cope with the rapid changes in Brian. Yet at another level, it’s a question about how can we communicate? What is our language now that I can’t touch you and you can’t touch me? And that’s picked up with the subsequent discussion about “Just listen” and “I saw”: so they’re trying to bridge the gap with a combination of visual / auditory cues that don’t quite match yet. And the relief Brian feels about “finally talking” is the first steps in exploring that new dynamic – it’s when they both start expressing themselves verbally, and finding a common method of speech, that the “breakthrough” comes in terms of Brian agreeing to seek help.

 

*stands on chair and applauds loudly*

Author's Response:

*grins*  You, my dear, are the farthest thing from slow!

I quite agree with your analysis. I think it's truer, more central, in this chapter than any other. The conflicting types of communication are wreaking havoc on them... It occurs to me that Hennie is the perfect foil for Duccy in terms of communication styles... 

 

*little quack*

 

 

As long as all the chapters of a story aren't as short as this one the shortness of the chapter doesn't bother me. If the things that belong to a chapter have all been said why would one keep on writing? (Unfortunately, there are a lot of fanfiction stories in which the writer hasn't kept on writing to the end of the chapter. The chapter has been streched into two or more tiny pieces. That I detest.)

Reading this chapter, I was more than once confused about the speaker's identity. For example:

Brian hesitated. 

 “I don’t want to see anyone.” Justin nodded and smiled at him sympathetically.

The dialogue would be easier for the reader to comprehend if you made just one little change:

Brian hesitated. "I don’t want to see anyone.”

Justin nodded and smiled at him sympathetically.

Author's Response:

You're right -- thanks for catching that. :)

When I'm writing, I find it hard to control the length of chapters. I know when I've typed the last line just as surely as if I were reading a book and turned the page to find a new chapter! :)

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment so comprehensively. :)

I love Brian’s nightmare with the disappearing body parts. It’s genuinely unsettling and a great way of illustrating his subconscious fears and mental state. It’s an uncanny moment that would do Hans Bellmer proud (!). The “uncanny” is a Freudian concept, the feeling evoked by recognizing something (ie yourself) as both simultaneously strange and familiar. This creates a feeling of repulsion, as your mind struggles to reconcile the two, contradictory ideas simultaneously, and a rejection of the object. All of which takes me to the mirror scene when B/J return to the loft. How perfect is that?!?!?! *adores and twirls happily* The questioning of “is that me” and “I’m the same person I’ve always been” is both a simple yet incredibly subtle and complex idea.

 

What I also love is Brian’s onging articulation of “I’m fine”. Not only does it seem IC, but it creates a formal / stylistic rhythm throughout the chapter that I really enjoy. Actually, Brian’s physical responses and mannerisms all strike me as IC. For example: “He looked up at Dr Lee, signaling him to continue”. I can see Brian performing just that action in my head, just as his response to discussing sex with “straight people” is classic Brian.

 

Also: yay for Dr "Tarrou" *giggles*

Author's Response:

I love your use of the word "repulsion" -- that's exactly the end result of the tug-of-war between Brian's former self and his current experience. The first cannot accept the second, but is constantly confronted by it.  The constancy of his nightmares, plus the literal state of his body, combine toward that  question -- "is that me?" because it's not a fleeting experience. He's realizing that it's a new reality for him... But that reflective side has the power to question it and insist on the more likely scenario, the more understandable and comforting one -- "I'm the same person I've always been." 

 

I love writing Brian with doctors. Something about that combo really allows for a lot of his traits to come to the fore... :)

I just read your story -so far- and I gotta say, I love it! Please update soon!

Author's Response:

Aww -- thanks so much! I'll be updating in a few days. :) Thanks for commenting; reviews always help me to  better shape the story!

This is really so much better than the trivial way they treated this in the show.  I feel they never really gave this issue enough time.  I could really feel all the emotions both Brian and Justin were going thru in the last few chapters.  Your style of writing is top notch.  I eagerly await  more!

Author's Response:

Oh my gosh, I don't know how I missed this! Anyway, I'm so sorry!!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts -- although by the end of the story you might think I'm spending *too* much time on it, since things are progressing so slowly. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying the story. Thanks again for your very generous words of support and I'm sorry it took me so long to find this! :)

-Tiffany

Hmm... one thing that hit me tonight as I read this chapter is how strong and how vulnerable Brian can be. I mean, I keep thinking back at the TV series. For the most part, I cannot imagine Brian being so vulnerable during S4 cancer period to the extent that he couldn't function at all. But then looking at early S3 when he went completely psychotic after Justin left him, he was practically destroyed. Image is everything to him and we were reminded of that time and time again. And I think he finally let go of that a little bit after the stupid Brandon incident. But still... Brian has tried to be strong since his childhood. How deep would he fall and not able to come back because of the cancer? That's a tough question.

PS. Ouch. I so dearly hope that your work related mess will be resolved soon. It certainly is no fun not having a job. People keep saying a job is not one's whole life. But it is at least half of one's life just because of the amount of time we have to spend there to put food on the table.

 

 

 

Author's Response:

That's a really interesting point; he does go through lots of... sort of emotional-availability mood swings... I think that he's particularly vulnerable now because so much of his identity is threatened in his physical beauty / sexual prowess... Plus, he's not able to touch at this point -- and that's his communication mode of choice. 

I'm probably going to be posting a chapter that's not really part of the story, but that goes through some of my thinking about Brian's disease.. sort of like conceptual spoilers, for people to read if they want. It'll address why his reaction is so extreme now...

Thanks so much for your well wishes about work. It's resolving itself, but so slowly that I can only hope it'll be resolved in time to be hired for the next school year. THe worst part is, I can't apply for any jobs until the paperwork is processed... I appreciate the thought so much; I'll keep you updated on the situation! 

 

 

wow ... just wowww

* big hug *

Author's Response:

Awww, thanks!! 
*hugs back*

Oh wow I was so sad for Brian and Justin both hurting so much in their own way. I hope we are on the healing path. I loved the lines....

“I don’t want to see anyone.” Justin nodded and smiled at him sympathetically. I know you don’t. But you can’t want to go through your life without touch, either. That’ll never work at Kinnetik.  Or Babylon… Or here, with me. ” Justin paused, watching that reality process in Brian’s mind. “Besides… you deserve so much better. You deserve everything. You deserve to feel good and to feel good about yourself.”

OMG how beautiful

 

Author's Response:

*smiles* I'm so glad to see that you enjoyed the chapter; finally a little fluff amongst the angst! :)

i can understand brian not wanting to be touched, but to not touch? justin did good. reinforcement is exactly what brian needs. dr. tarrou and justin will get him metally well again. physically will take a bit longer.

Author's Response:

Well -- I'm thinking about posting a chapter that will not really be in the story, but that will discuss some of the concepts in the story, in case anyone wants some "conceptual spoilers" -- and touch will be among them. I'm taking a few liberties there... 

 

It will be interesting to see how his healing progresses and how the mental and physical will interact. I'm glad he has at least one doctor for each and Justin for both! 

 

Thanks so much for your comments and feedback; it helps me to gauge the progress of the story!

I agree with others that review here that you write well enough,  and have the true voices of both Brian and Justin down well enough that you could do original stories. The writers on Showtime and with Cowlip totally lost their edge after the first season. The wimped out and started spewing pure schlock. They should have addressed Justin's PTSD, instead they skipped right over it. No one can truly get over PTSD without some kind of therapy. Just having your sorta boyfriend talk to a shrink just is not going to cut it. Just like the issues that Brian is dealing with now are not going to be easy to correct. He needs some intense therapy that goes to the core of his psyche and exorcises his demons from his childhood. One of the writers in the fandom had Brian saying that his parents should not have been allowed to have goldfish, I totally agree! LOL

You are doing a wonderful job of bringing Brian and Jusitn to a place where they can work together to help Brian heal inside and out.  Keep up the great work!

Ro

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! You're very much thinking how I am about the depth of Brian's problem. I'm probably going to post something on that later this week; not really a chapter but more an optional chapter on background for the story. 

 

I'm so glad for your feedback; thanks so much for taking the time to write in! 

Wow, that was intense! I just got called into work. I'll comment more later. Thank you for such great writing!

Ro

Author's Response:

It was -- more of that in the next chapter!! You're most welcome -- I'm so happy that you enjoyed the story!! :)

OMG poor Brian he just cannot give himself a break I do hope he starts listening to Justin soon

Author's Response:

He will -- and soon to the psych, too. Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad you're liking the story!

Very good job. I'm impressed and intrigued. I find Brian's distress very well expressed and in a good pace, too. The intensity of the situation is maintained well through the detailed writing style. The slow pace (16 chapters and we are just out of the hospital) gives you the means for that.

In particular, I like the fact that you haven't written Justin into a miracle worker. As a parther should, he is helping Brian, but it's obvious that Brian's problems are too serious for a non-professional of the medical fiels to fix. I'm expecting a great deal from Brian's sessions with a therapist, whoever that person ends up being.

As I told you before, your story should be an original one. One of the reasons I find it so is that your story should have more open field of possibilities to explore. A detail about this chapter that reveals this need is that you write Brian as the person that always makes the morning coffee for Justin. In GAF fandom, it is a commonly held fact that Brian can't cook and further is uncapable even of making coffee. You see what I mean? In order to make your story a good one, you need to go outside of the boundaries of this fandom. I'd like to see you leaving the whole thing behind. I hope you'll do that in your next story.

Happy writing!

Author's Response:

*blushes* 

 

I do see what you mean about the story heading OOC and out of canon at times, and yes, I can see this could be constraining to the story in some sense... I'm really flattered that you think I could write an original story. I find the prospect intimidating; there'd be so much more to develop without a base shared knowledge of characters, places, and events... When I write, I don't give too much thought to staying IC... I mean, it's a framework, but in my own mind, my stories are conceptually driven, and I hope that most of the time when I go OOC it's at least in some sense "in service" of the story's themes and conceptual basis.

I am thinking more about writing an original story; maybe I will try it next. I'm not even sure how to go about such a thing, but your vote of confidence is very encouraging! Thanks so much for your thoughts on the story. I do try to make it realistic (and definitely not cast Justin as a miracle-working saint) and I appreciate your thoughts on that. Oh, and I've done a lot of research about the psychological side of the story so I hope it lives up to your expectations. 

Thanks again, so much, for your thoughts and fantastic encouragement. :)

Lube in the overnight bag?! Brian was definitely in denial :(

I am glad that Javier told Brian that Justin was crying. Sometimes it takes a third party to point things out. Sometimes I want to smack Brian. I mean, he knows he is hurting Justin. But being scared and pushing Justin away cruel is not the way to love him. I guess it is hard for him to believe that Justin will love him no matter what....

PS. Work is OK. Started a big project. But now that I have gone through a layoff and a new job with huge pay cut, I have learned so much more about what is important sometimes. At least I know that sometimes I do need to live a little because time is precious. Thanks for asking about my job :)

Author's Response:

You'll see in the next chapter that it does pay off that Javier found out... and Justin's working on that whole "unconditional love" thing, but it'll be awhile; Brian's not too familiar with the concept applied to himself... :)

I'm having a hard time with some work stuff right now (actually technically sort of without a job until some paperwork goes through and -- well, let's just say it's a mess), so I hope I can learn that lesson, too!

Wow this is a quick update, thanks.
The last nine sentences were heartwarming.

* big hugs *

Author's Response:

I'm glad you found them so -- thanks so much for reading!! 

*hugs back*

Thank you! Justin really needed to hear that. I'm also glad that Javier saw Brian's reactions to everything. Maybe the doc will suggest some counseling...LOL Justin would do anything for Brian short of letting him go through this alone. I think Brian is finally starting to get that. I think the first time Brian lets Justin hug him he will realize just how much he missed by keeping him at arms length. It will be a revelation. I can't wait!

Author's Response:

You're welcome!! :) I'm glad you mentioned that; there are several possibilities now that Javier has seen it.  I agree that Brian is starting to understand more of Justin's commitment... 

Your thinking is quite like mine -- I have the sequence and degree of their physical interactions in his recovery very meticulously planned; they're an extremely important part of the story in my mind... and I love your term "revelation"; I hope it will live up to that.  I don't want to be imsleading, though. That's quite a ways off yet. :)

Thanks so much for reviewing! :)

oh Brian give yourself and Justin a break, stop thinking and analzing every detail and just try and recover first. I do hope the Dr's recognise the mounting depression and self loathing thing Brian has going on. It will be hard because the Kinnney persona and pysche is not in books lol 

Author's Response:

*grins* That's a good point -- maybe Justin should get them a copy of the Kinney Manual so they can brush up on it before he lands in their office -- which will be coming soon!

 

Thanks so much for the review and sharing your thoughts! I'm glad you're enjoying the story!

WHew, this is so hard to read, and it gets harder with every chapter.

Both of them hurt so much, and they are so scared to lean on each other in fear of hurting each other even more. Something's gotta give soon.

This was a very powerful chapter and I hope Brian's apology leads the way for more comunication between them.

Author's Response:

I know; I'm starting to feel like I'm drawing it out, but I don't know any other way to tell the story... plus, in order for later "recovery" scenes to be what I want them to be, he has to get to a very lonely place, emotionally and physically. Hang in there -- eventually there'll be some powerful recovery scenes! 

I like the way you analyze their feelings toward each other; they are afraid of further hurting the other just by showing how they feel. Some of that will change in the next couple of chapters -- as you say, the apology goes a long way in helping that.

I also wanted to say that I hope I wasn't too abrupt in ending my last reply to your review; I hit the button too soon! I'd wanted to say, just like now, thanks so much for your thoughts and support!

as much as i would like to like this brian, i don't. and justin is just to accommandating. this isn't them. the subject matter is dark and i do understand brian's feelings but still, wallowing in all that self pity? brian would never become so whimpy.

i'm sorry.

Author's Response:

There's no need to apologize; every story's not for everyone. I can definitely see your point; Justin did give him some leeway (I can see it could be seen as too much) and Brian is behaving pretty OOC. That's a perfectly reasonable way to read the story, I think, and I'm glad for the feedback. 

 

From my point of view, the issue isn't quite self pity... I guess the way I see it, Brian's state of mind is very much changed by what has happened to him. The way he sees himself, both in terms of his physical self and his identity, has changed.  I don't see it as self pity, I see it as his reality being different... that he behaves the way he does (i.e. brushing his teeth with his eyes closed) to me says more about the severity of what's going on with him / of his disease than what it says about him and his own strength. A "weaker" or more whimpy person might have been crying  far before hand. Might be begging Justin or the doctors for help from what he sees in the mirror. To me, it's a testament of Brian's stubbornness  (and perhaps strength) that he's done as much as he has....

 

Justin I think is on a balancing act. He's trying to pick his battles, and, from my point of view, has pressed Brian on two critictal issues. One, Justin has made it clear he will not leave and that he wants to be there. Two, he forced Brian to admit some weakness and illness in front of him, and further forced Brian to acknowledge his illness rather than hide in denial. 

 

That said, he did let Brian off at the end of the last chapter; he offered for Javier to be the one to come into the bathroom. I personally found that to be... a very.. graceful move.  I think Justin saw that whatever was causing Brian to be so fiercely emotional was going to need more time, more privacy, more care than what he could do in a few minutes in a hospital room. Plus, he could see that Brian had been though a lot  in a short (remember, time inches forward in this fic so far; the last 11 or so chapters have covered about 16 hours).  He did what he thought was best for Brian, but he also made it clear that it wasn't the end of the issue.

 

Anyway, as I said, I think your thoughts on the story do make a lot of sense; maybe I'll put an OOC warning on it. Anyway, if you choose not to keep reading, I'll understand and I hope you'll be back for the next story! :)

Sigh!! This chapter is so very difficult for me to review....it's so powerful, emotional, and intense! Poor Brian! I know the road to recovery both physical and emotional will be long for him and Justin but it still brings a lump to my throat reading the journey they're taking...I soooo love this story it might be difficult to read but it's really worth it...I can't wait for another update!

Author's Response:

I know; I think this is my favorite chapter, but I do find it to be the most intense. It's not an easy story, as you say, and I'm glad you find it worth the turmoil. Thank you  so much for your reviews and the feedback; it really lets me know how people are feeling "with" the characters. :)

i don't know if i feel more sorry for justin or brian, great chapter

Author's Response:

I know -- both are pretty hurt. Soon they'll be more open about that with each other; stay tuned! :) Thanks so much for the review!

:_(  I wish Brian would just release himself from his fatalistic mind and let Justin in. It's so sad...

How soon are we going to see a breakthrough? It hurts seem the two boys suffer like this...

Author's Response:

Well --- I know it does... and some things will get better soon. Brian's first step will be admitting some of his inner turmoil to Justin -- when they get back to the loft, that'll be close. :) Hang in there, and thanks for the comment!

I can't remember if we've heard whether Javier is gay or not, but I so hope he is and says something about how gorgeous Brian's cock is, even if that is totally unprofessional; Brian needs to hear it right now.

It must be killing Justin that Brian shuts him out like that, especially since he has no real clue why.

I hope Brian lets Justin in a little more once they get home, lets him take care of him a little. Justin needs that as much as Brian needs to hear that he is still beautiful!

Author's Response:

I love your idea about Javier!! I haven't decided whether he's gay or just honest enough to be straight and know how gorgeous Brian is ;). 

It definitely hurts Justin, but I think he knew Brian had reached a serious limit and would need something that would take more privacy and more time than they had at the hospital to address, so he tried to act in Brian's best interest despite how it hurt him. 

Why can't he say he's sorry out loud? That would go a long way in taking the hurt away. If Justin knows he's trying it will help him to be more sensitive to his feelings of insecurity. It still amazes me that Brian forgets how bad off Justin was after the bashing. He had a scar and he was as skiddish as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! Brian was patient, loving and supportive. why won't he let Justin reciprocate? Maybe Justin needs to come right out and tell Brian that he doesn't care about the fake ball. That he's not as shallow as the denizens of Babylon and Liberty about physical perfection. That he loves him because of what's in his heart, not what's in his pants.

Great, if heartbreaking chapter. I was in tears. Keep it up. I agree that you are one of the best writers around and should have been a writer on the show.

Ro

Author's Response:

*smiles8 I think you'll like the next chapter a lot! :) 

And it won't be too long before Justin gets to lecture him, too. :) I know I'm looking forward to it. :)  This chapter had me tearing up a little, too.... 

 

I wish I could've been a writer for the show, too!!! If only!! *wink* 

very emotional chapter...my heart is breaking too.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! It's nice to see you and know that you're enjoying the story. :)

My favourite thing about this chapter (well, one of my favourite things) is the connection between Brian’s emotional avoidance / desire to hide and his attempt to physically stop vomiting. Holding everything in: “the façade separating them”. Exactly. The physical echoing the emotional and back again – it encapsulates Brian’s character in a way that’s not just expositional. Really powerful imagery and writing. As is the scene where Justin reaches out to touch Brian’s hand. You already know my thoughts on “hand” imagery in QaF fic, and this is wonderfully small and subtle…just perfect. I’m also going to shock you again because I love this Justin. Really, this is Justin for me – he’s all the things he could have been in canon and wasn’t. Great ending sentence as well!!

Author's Response:

I like your emphasis on the "back and forth" nature of things between them now. That's something I really noticed while writing the latest chapter, 14. It's interesting to see how this happens even when small progress can be seen... 

I think you're too kind and too flattering in your analysis of my writing... *blushes*... but I'm always particularly happy that you like it enough to bother with the flattery! 

*grins* 

WOW!!! Welcome back!! That has to be the most powerful and heart wrenching chapter that I've read and you have many of those....I had such a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when I was reading the part when Brian was trying not be sick in front of Justin....and Justin being stronger than he has ever been telling him to release the bile!! Can I just say that scene hit home!! You have done an excellent job with this story and it gain strength with every chapter you write...Again welcome back and I look forward to the updates!!

Author's Response:

Awww -- wow. I'm so pleased, and surprised, that the chapter had that effect. I could sort of tell, writing that last scene, and it is wonderful to know that it "transferred" to readers. You are far too kind *blushes*. Thanks so much.... 

I am glad that Justin finally said something to Brian.... I realize that he is in a sick and weakend state.....but... Justin shouldn't let him push him around the way he has and not speak up for himself..... when is Brian's doctor or someone else going to realize that Brian's reactions to being sick are more severe and obsessive than "Normal" and that he needs more help than anyone can give??? 

Author's Response:

Believe me -- Justin gets a big glimpse into that in the next chapter. He knows something is wrong -- he admits that their step that day over the comiting was just one small problem so they could try to move on together to deal with the "touching" problem. I hope you'll like how it turns out -- getting Brian to accept seeing a psychiatrist won't be quick or easy -- I doubt that it would be IC to make it so -- but hopefully it'll be good reading. 

 

Thanks as always for your thoughts and involvement in the story!

brian needs to let justin take care of him. i really am enjoying this story.

Author's Response:

Yes -- he definitely does need that.. so much. But it'll be a while until they get to the heart of the matter. At least this is a bit of progress, though! I'm happy to hear that you like the story!

Please would you AT LEAST post a chapter each week? :(( I'm so loving your fic, it's amazing! Can't wait 2 weeks to read the next chapter, pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

Author's Response:

I'm thrilled that you're so hooked! :) I just updated and will try for twice a week, though I will have to send the computer in for a repair at some point :(. 

 

I hope you'll like the latest chapter! Thanks so much for reviewing!

so glad your computer problems are over.  this story is so familiar to me as it was my uncle's almost exact sickness, surgery and recovery.  this was a hard chapter for me to get through, very sad, but very necessary in the scheme of things.  the writing is excellent.  i admire your courage as this subject is difficult to write and read without becoming a sodden mess.  more chapters soon hopefully.  justin is a rock for him.  sooo good thanks for this chapter.  i appreciate it greatly.  my uncle is fine now.  thanks to everyone involved in his ordeal.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad your uncle is doing well, first of all. 

 

I'm so glad for the feedback that the story is realistic... that is always one of my main priorites... I often write with serious topics as themes, and in that context, I think it's crucial to try to some justice to the reality of the topic, for those who face it in real life (and not just fiction). I really appreciate your feedback and thoughts on that topic; I hope the story will continue to be good! :)

Thanks again for writing in!