Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Penname: cynical21 [Contact]
Real name: Bonnie S Meche
Status: Member
Member Since: August 27, 2009
Beta-reader: No

Long time fanfic writer, but only in other fandoms. Just discoverd QaF a month ago, and, of course, fell madly, totally, irrevocably in love with the absolutely unique Brian Kinney. As anyone who's ever read my work in other genres knows, I am completely absorbed and obsessed with characters who break the mold, who are unlike any other, and Brian certainly qualifies there.

I don't do fancy graphics or photo manips, being a total cyber-dweeb, having neither the skills to create such images or the knowledge of how to post them. I just write. And - fair warning here - I don't write much in the way of fluff or happy fantasy. My characters walk through hell in order to get to where they want to be - and they don't always get what they want. But they are, I hope, always true to themselves.

I hope that readers here will let me know if they feel I'm straying too far from the elemental truths of Brian Kinney. Although I enjoy AU, I don't usually write it, being far too enchanted with the canon characters.

Hope my work offers some keen insights into who these individuals are, and where they will go in the future.


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Reviews by cynical21
Timeless by cynical21 Rated: NC-18 [Reviews - 858]
Summary: Feature

***Featured Story for June 2018***



Brian and Justin try to cope with life apart - with the marriage that did not happen and the love that would not die

Categories: QAF-U.S. FICTION, BEST FAN FICTION CLASSIC, FEATURED STORY, Brian/Justin, Brian/Other, Could be Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Justin/Other-Relationship, Romance, Violence Characters: Debbie, Gus, Jennifer Taylor, Justin, Lindsay, Melanie
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 61 Completed: Yes Word count: 784049
[Report This] Published: August 28, 2009 Updated: June 01, 2018

Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: August 01, 2011 Title: Chapter 50: Chapter 50

A big hello to all, preceeding an apology which is probably getting to be an old familiar song by this time.  Nevertheless, it's necessary.  The next chapter is in progress - I promise - but it's not done yet.  Unfortuntely, real life gets to be a drag this time of year, when auditors and government budgetary constraints get into the mix.  In a word, it's been crazy, so I just haven't had the time to spend composing and polishing.

But it is coming along, and I'm hoping it will be ready to post by next week-end. If I weren't so detail-fixed (some might say compulsive) it would be easier, I guess, but I just can't post it until I feel like I've made it the best it can be.  I hope you'll forgive the delay and enjoy the end result.

As always, my gratitude for your interest and your patience.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: February 10, 2010 Title: Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Good evening, All,

I hope it's all right if I post like this, to give a response - inadequate though it will certainly be - to the wonderful comments so many people have posted for this chapter.  In a perfect world, I would find the time for individual responses for each of you, but we all know that this world is far from perfect.  There's just too much work, and too little time to do it, but I do want to express my thanks for all of you.  Your enthusiasm and your thought-provoking remarks are wonderful motivation for trying to write the best story I can.

I do want to reassure you all that all is not as dark as it may seem - that there is a light on the horizon, although it may seem very distant yet.  Part of the purpose for writing this story is to give our lovely heroes - both of them - a chance to learn lessons they need to know, and to find their way through a landscape of uncertainty and old injuries that have prevented them from finding their common path.  As I see it, it does no good to bring them together until they find resolutions for the buried damage that neither has ever been completely successful in dealing with.  They must heal - individually - befpre they can heal together.

And, BTW, I am perfectly aware that a lot of the characters at the hospital are breaking all kinds of regulations.  Unfortunately, I actually work in a hospital and know that it happens every single day - not because hospital employees want to break the rules, but because secrets are just terribly hard to keep.  People tend to talk together about things that happen on the job, and other people always seem to overhear what isn't meant for them.  It's depressing - even scary - but it's also true.  If you doubt it, I invite you to just stroll around any sizeable medical facility and just listen - casually.  Ideally, any communication between medical staff and patients, or family, or support people - whatever - should happen in private.  But it usually doesn't.  It's not deliberate disregard of the rules.  It's just human nature.

Anyway, I hope I've managed to make it believable, and that you continue to be interested.  It is gratifying to find that readers care about what will happen next, enough to speak up and say so.

Thank you all so much.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: April 12, 2010 Title: Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Good evening to all my lovely readers.  And yes, I AM taking the easy way out - again - in that Im responding en masse instead of doing the truly right thing and answering all your lovely comments individually.  Time and tide and all that good stuff. 

But I want you all to know that I truly appreciate your interest and your support and your comments.  Every writer depends on her readers to encourage her to continue developing plot and characters, and I think that's particularly true in fan fiction and WIPS where it's not always possible to know if people are paying attention.

I'm glad to inform you that the next chapter is well under way and I don't anticipate a long wait until my next post.  Of course, as one of those people who is too anal retentive to use a beta, I'm never entirely sure how long it will take for my self-editing process, but I think this time it will go pretty well.  The chapter is 80 percent done, and should be up in a couple of days.

And BTW, no one should feel any need to apologize for getting confused or finding my story convoluted or hard to follow.  Sometimes it's hard to follow for me too.  But I hope it will all come together in the end, and make sense.

Meanwhile, I hope you continue to enjoy and that you'll continue to speak up, to let me know if I'm hitting the mark, or if you think I'm losing my way. Not that it would really change anything about the way I write; that just comes naturally and is not really subject to change, but sometimes I need a little nudge to help me refocus, and readers are really good at that sort of thing. 

Thanks again for your comments and your encouragement.  Hope to post soon.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: May 25, 2010 Title: Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Hope this will be OK with you guys, and not offend anybody.  It feels a little like cheating to enter a review of my own work in response to all your lovely comments, but I'm up to my eyebrows in professional stuff right now and don't have time for individual answers.  So just let me say a huge thank you to all of you who are so kind to share your thoughts with me.  I am just delighted that you seem to be enjoying the journey, and I hope you'll stick around for the duration.

If I may, I'd like to try to explain my view about Brian - the two individuals that I consider Surface Brian, and Inner Brian.  I know exactly what you guys mean when you say that I tend to see him through rose-colored lenses.  You're absolutely right.  I do.  I see him as perfectly beautiful, perfectly controlled, perfectly composed.  Even super-hero perfect, but what I'm trying to do is portray him as the image he projects to the world.  Perfect, beautiful, desirable, super smart, brave, ballsy.  Perfect.  But that's the surface.  What I'm really trying to do is contrast the man on the surface, the public Brian Kinney - with the inner man, who has his doubts and his fears and his uncertainties and his needs, just like the rest of us.  The problem, of course, is that he learned early on that exposing that man makes him vulnerable, and he equates that with weakness.  So, while Justin has had to rethink his own tendency to reach for romance while ignoring the beauty that's right in front of him, Brian has to relearn how to let someone get close to him - and decide if he can deal with that, or not.

Am I making sense here?  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Brian, no matter how beautiful and impressive, is as flawed as any of us; he just wears it better, and I hope, along the way, to be able to reconcile the two sides of his nature and help him become one complete individual.

Again, thanks to you all, and I adore your comments.  I hope to be able to get the next chapter finished by the beginning of the week, but I can't promise.  Your patience will be much appreciated.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: September 19, 2010 Title: Chapter 41: Chapter 41

Again, I must take this route to explaining myself and hope that I'm not abusing the "review" concept here completely.  So - an explanation. Or - actually - an excuse for the really long delay in posting the next chapter of "Timeless". It seems that, in the course of carrying on with everyday life, I somehow missed the signals of a looming medical problem and wound up gobsmacked and parked in an ICU bed for almost a week, and a recovery ward for another week, not to mention being watched over subsequently by overbearing children and friends who are as grim and determined as that five-headed dog that guarded the gates of Hell whenever I make a move toward my computer.

I have, however, finally persuaded them to leave me the hell alone, having convinced myself that I would, at first opportunity, resume my regular writing schedule and finish the chapter I started weeks ago. OK - so I'm a cock-eyed optimist, and not nearly as strong as I thought I was. At any rate, the chapter is still only about one-quarter done, despite all the lovely scenes and dialog that are spinning in my head. Though I'm incredibly eager to get back to it, the ugly truth is that I can't manage much at a time and will have to pace myself accordingly.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I haven't abandoned it, that getting our lovely B&J back where they belong and addressing all the infuriating questions and gaps in the story are a top priority - just as soon as I can. I hope you'll all be patient, and forgive my tardiness. I WILL write it, once I can put two sentences together coherently.
I hope it continues to matter to you, and that you'll forgive me for making you wait.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: November 14, 2010 Title: Chapter 42: Chapter 42

OK - just dropping by to assure everyone that I haven't forgotten you or abandoned the story.  It's just necessary these days - to my intense annoyance - to pace myself.  The Muse still speaks - insistantly - but the flesh is not nearly as willing nor as capable as the spirit.

The next chapter is coming along - about half written now - but inspiration is not quite as agile, and I have to work my way through the various incarnations of plotlines to find the ideal way.  I am working on it, I promise, and I will get it posted ASAP.  I'm hoping for a complete chapter sometime during the coming week, and I promise it will be posted as soon as I can convince myself that it's ready to see the light of day and justify your attention.

Again, mucho gracias for all the interest and your continued support.



Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: April 16, 2011 Title: Chapter 47: Chapter 47

Good morning, All, and happy week-end.  I haven't done this in a while, and I probably drive the PTB batshit when I do it, but this is my only practical way to reach out to the lovely readers who comment here.  I wish I could answer every single comment personally and individually, but if I did, I wouldn't get much writing done, and would probably get fired from the job that puts food on my table.  I already tend to push my luck sometimes, when plot bunnies interfere with the daily grind and I can't get my thoughts on track.

Anyway, a quick note to reiterate my thanks to you all, and to assure you of a couple of things.  First off, I promise that I WILL finish this story.  It's become like a living presence in my life, and leaving it unfinished would feel like murdering a child.  As for how long it will run, I foresee another five or six chapters - possibly stretching to seven or eight.  Now, as for HOW it will end, I am seeing lots of comments wishing for 'happily-ever-after', and I do understand that.  I also want our lovely young men to find joy and peace and fulfillment together.  However, if I end it there - what else is there to say?  I mean, do I want to write story after story about new ways for them to fuck each other, or have make-up sex, or take their love to the streets of Venice or Paris or Shanghai or . . . well, you get the idea.  Sweet, yes, and fun, yes - but ultimately boring.  Let's face it, no matter how perfect the body or deep the love, sooner or later, finding new ways to relate the same story gets old.

On the other hand, if we end it with a bit of ambiguity, with a little mystery lurking - maybe there's more of the story to tell.  Maybe 'thereby hangs a tale'.  Now if I promised you a particular ending, I'd be lying through my teeth because - AHEM! I haven't written it yet, because I don't plan it all out in advance.  I write it as it comes to me, and although I do have a vision of the last scene playing out in the back of my mind, the circumstances around it are still a little fuzzy.  Although I do know who will prove to be the ultimate villain and how justice will be served, other issues are less clear-cut, and will take a bit of time to resolve.

I do hope you will all continue readying and sharing your thoughts with me.  It is so encouraging to any writer to be so honored, and I appreciate every single word.  But now - it's the morning after, and Brian and Justin await, so back to the drawing board.

Deepest, deepest, truly deepest thanks to you all.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: September 25, 2011 Title: Chapter 51: Chapter 51

OK, OK, OK - you don't have to say it.  Trust me - I KNOW it's been way too long, and you're all undoubtedly thinking that this selfish, inconsiderate author has just decided to leave you dangling - a complete breach of faith when all of you have been so supportive and loyal.  But I beg to differ, or, at least, explain myself.

Starting on August 11, I have been in and out of the hospital twice, and convalescing during and after.  It's only in the last week that I have begun to regain my strength and focus.  So I have begun to work on the next chapter, but I still get tired easily and have to pace myself.  And trust me when I tell you that you do NOT want to read anything that I might come up with when I'm not able to focus, because it is simply dreadful.  Anyway, I'm writing again, if at a slightly diminished rate, and I do hope to have Chapter 52 ready to post within the next week.

To everyone who has lingered here, my profound thanks for your interest and concern.  Barring some dreadful physical circumstance - which I do NOT anticipate - I WILL finish this story and - hopefully - be capable of writing a sequel, which is already perking along in my head.

So - if you've hung in there this long, I hope you will find it in your hearts to hang in for a bit longer.  It is coming - I promise.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: May 01, 2012 Title: Chapter 55: Chapter 55

By way of explanation ---

This will be short, because I can't sit here for long.  Have beren flat on y back for almost two months due to spinal damage.  Am due for a new type of treatment later this week, and - if that doesn't work - surgery will be the next step.  At any rate, while the delay has been really long, I know, it is not forever.  I WILL finish this story, as well as my B&S one, just as soon as I can sit at a desk again.

Apologies to all for the delay.


Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: August 27, 2012 Title: Chapter 57: Chapter 57

A note to let everyone know that I had a slight relapse a la my spinal condition - but it really was slight, thank God.  Anyway, it delayed me a bit in my attempt to complete the next chapter, but - barring further problems - I believe I will have it ready sometime this week, or by the week-end at the latest.  Also, although I had convinced myself that I could complete the storyline in this chapter, I realize that there are too many details that would just remain unresolved if I didn't take the time to address them.  Ergo - there will be one more chapter after this, and one epilog.  But I won't swear to it, because it seems I always have something else to say.

In addition, I am toying with the idea of writing something like a spin-off from this story, and I wonder if anyone would be interested in reading a story about Chris McClaren and what comes next.  If so, please speak up and let me know.

As always, thanks to  everyone for their patience, good wishes, and continuing interest.



Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: November 19, 2012 Title: Chapter 61: Chapter 61

Wow!  I'm tempted to just leave it at that - and if anyone believes that I could manage to restrain myself to a single word, well, they don't know me very well, do they?

First of all, let me say that I would like to respond to each and every comment left here, but time runs short.  Hopefully, I will get the chance to do that later.  In a couple of months, I expect to be officially, finally retired, so I should have time then to catch up with all the things I should have done before.  Until then, please accept this as my abject apology for the lack of individual responses, and my most heartfelt thank you for all of you who have spoken up to speak on my behalf.

And, before I go any further, let me thank the wonderful Robert - one of our dedicated admins - for taking the time and trouble to post the photograph I sent him, which displays my idea of what 'Chateau Justin" looks like.  And, before anyone can point it out - as someone surely will - the palm trees shown around the pool ARE something of an anachronism; Idon't think palm trees grow in rural Pennsylvania.  But the house and its surroundings, those are exactly as I pictured it in my mind, and when I came across the photo on an architectural site on the Web, I simply could not resist.  I hope it will serve to clarify the setting for all of you.

Now - on the elephant in the corner.  Please understand that I do not - ever - want to discourage anyone from critiquing my writing.  If you want to post that I'm far too fond of the sound of my own voice (figuratively) and should learn to avoid using ten words when one will do, I will thank you politely and know that you're undoubtedly right.  If you want to tell me that my grammar sucks or my sentence structure is abysmal, you are perfectly within your rights to think so - and to say so.  If you find fault with my obsession with detail, or my excessive fascination for those incredibly beautiful faces, feel free to point it out.  I will say thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.  I may even agree with you, though I might not admit it.

There is, however, one thing that I am not prepared to tolerate.  Nobody - and that is an absolute - NOBODY has the right to dictate what I can write.  That is the one area where I will stand up and defend myself against all comers.  For you, Lovely readers, you have your own set of options, but they all boil down to one choice in the end: to read or not to read.

Assuming that you have, by this time, learned my feelings on these two incredible characters, I would recommend that, if you disapprove, you look elsewhere for fan-fic entertainment, because THIS is the true bottom line.  I may yet decide to write a sequel, or even a completely different story involving these beloved characters, but I will NEVER change my interpretation of who they are and how they might confront the traumas of life.

For all of you who have expressed encouragement and interest in a sequel,  am tremendously honored by your comments and your caring.  I think I need to take a little break for now; the creative juices may need a bit of rejuvenation, and I do have a couple of other stories hanging that need attention.  One is in the "Brothers & Sisters" genre, and I will probably visit that next.

But there is one huge factor in deciding whether or not I should write more QaF:  I have fallen in love with many fictional characters over the course of my ridiculously long life - dating all the way back to my fascination with the original James T. Kirk.  After that, there was Han Solo, and then Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan Kenobi.  And then - oh, my God - the fabulous Jack and Ennis of "Brokeback Mountain".  But I have never, never loved any of those characters more than I love our beautiful Brian and Justin, so it's probably safe to say I will be unable to resist the urge to return to their universe sooner or later.

All of you make that possibility much, much more tempting.


Ghost of a Chance by delvalmom Rated: NC-18 [Reviews - 17]

Brian reflects on his life.

Categories: Brian/Justin Characters: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 8 Completed: No Word count: 17477
[Report This] Published: November 13, 2009 Updated: September 03, 2012

Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: November 14, 2009 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2

A very nice exploration of the thoughts behind the canon actions.  Definitely looking forward to more, and loving your insight into what makes Brian run.


Author's Response:

Thank Cyn, I hope you continue to read and enjoy!!

Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: November 20, 2009 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Love your insight into Brian's character and the positive/negative aspects of his feelings for Justin.  This is exactly how I see him too.

Can't wait for more.


Fragments by Loves A Fool Rated: R [Reviews - 8]

Justin went to New York in search of recognition for his talent. What he found was 4 and a half years of unhappiness, culminating in three gunshots on a sidewalk late at night. After being made a victim once more, Justin decides it's time to move back to Pittsburgh.

Categories: Brian/Justin, Could be Canon, Hurt/Comfort Characters: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: No Word count: 1212
[Report This] Published: January 07, 2010 Updated: January 13, 2010

Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: January 14, 2010 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Glad to see that you're posting here. I've read your chapters over on BJfic, and been very moved by them.  Your approach to Justin is unique, and very much worth exploring.  As one who does not ordinarily either write or enjoy "fluff" pieces, I'm both intrigued by the darkness in your characters and inspired to hope that there will be a silver lining in the end.

Very well done and addictive.



Hello folks. Well, this time around I had an inspiration late on a Saturday night. By Sunday night it was written. I don't know where the thought came from, although I usually do. I guess my Muse was feeling frisky.

In this short story, we pick up the scene in the final episode of QAF where Brian is laying in his lonely bed after Justin has left for the airport. This is my version of what happened from that moment on. Warning...about 2/3 of the way in you are going to be jolted. Don't give up. Remember who is writing this and how I like my stories to end. LOL! Now, how about taking a long trip down memory lane with me. Hope you enjoy the journey.

Whoops!  I forgot to thank my dear friend, Judy for her beta skills and my beloved Granddaughter, Marika for the inspiring banner.  You girls are a blessing to me.

Categories: QAF-U.S. FICTION, Brian/Justin, Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, What If Characters: Brian, Justin
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 3792
[Report This] Published: April 14, 2010 Updated: April 14, 2010

Reviewer: cynical21 Signed
Date: April 16, 2010 Title: Chapter 1: Did I Really Let Him Go?

Lovely and touching, and a perfect "fix" for the tragedy that was the end of the series. So this is how it really should have happened.

Wonderful work.


Author's Response:

You are so kind, Cyn.  I love 'fixing' up a brighter vision of that last episode of Brian and Justin's love affair.  We all know those two had to be together, not miles apart.  That just wasn't acceptable.  Thank you so much for your wonderful comments.  Huge hugs, Grammy