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Endings and Beginnings
Chapter 8
The sale had gone better than he had expected. It turned out to be an amazing coincidence that Brian Kinney had decided to do all of his Christmas shopping early and that he had selected a Justin Taylor original for each of the names on his list. Justin was touched but couldn’t help but feel like he owed Brian something for the gesture. He didn’t like feeling like that. He had spent too many nights under the blue lights feeling indebted. He wanted things to be equal between them. He sighed watching Brian stow the last of his purchases in the closet where the item Justin had decided to keep were stored.
“Looks like you’re down to a nasty couch and a beat up lamp.” Brian commented as he came over and leaned against the counter next to Justin.
“Yep.” Justin said trying to sound strong but failing to do so. Brian couldn’t help but note the tears forming that Justin quickly pushed away. Brian had seen how hard the day had been for the man. He had wondered how many memories had been sparked by the various items that had been spirited away from the apartment that day. He knew that the mattress had been a hard sell. The lady had continued to argue the price and Justin had held firm. Brian had almost kicked her out the front door. He wondered about the two men on that mattress. He wondered if they had shared the same passion that he and Justin had. He stopped this line of thinking long enough to put his arm around the smaller man.
“Let’s call it a day. Donate the couch and lamp to the landlord and let me take you and Stephen out for some dinner.” Justin barely had the strength to stand. He wanted to comply but somehow needed a few moments alone in the apartment more than he needed food.
“Brian do you think you could just take Stephen for something. I really just need a little time to process all of this.” He kept his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him. Brian reached down to the play pen and natched up Justin’s Mini Me.
“We’ll bring you something back.” He waited until the man met his gaze. Brian reached for the sign and removed it from the hallway. Casting one last look at Justin, he shut the door behind him.
Justin never heard it close as the sobs overtook him. It was all too much. He had lost too much. He had watched so many of their things bartered and picked over. He felt raw and exposed. He went to the closet and pulled out the box where he had stored Ethan’s scarf. Pulling it out Justin hugged it to him. Holding it close he walked through the rooms of the tiny apartment remembering the day that they had moved in to it, remembering their first meal on the living room floor. Justin glanced over to the door remembering the day that they had brought Stephen home and his first steps on the kitchen floor.
“Why?” He asked over and over again. It had been the question he had avoided since he first woke in the hospital but now it flooded his mind, forcing itself through his lips. “Why?” He had asked it when he had first realized he was gay. He had asked it when his Father had decided to disown him. He had asked it when Chris Hobbs had bashed him. He had asked it when Brian had pushed him away. He had asked it when Ethan had cheated on him. Now he asked it mourning the death of this partner as well as the loss of his life as he knew it. “ Why?”
He wondered how long Brian would be gone. He hoped that he would have enough time to get his emotions in check. He was so grateful that Brian had shown up. His comments and observations had gotten through the ordeal of the estate sale. He was also grateful for the effort the man had made to keep his art in the hands of those who might appreciate it for more than how it would look with their blue sofa. Justin silently vowed to find a way to pay him back. It would take him awhile but he would find a way.
“I know you must hate this.” Justin spoke to Ethan even though he knew he couldn’t hear him. “Brian being here with me. His being with Stephen must really make you nuts. But I need him Ethan. He’s my friend and I need him.” He wiped his eyes and returned the scarf to the box closing it up in the closet once more. Tomorrow he would ship the boxes that he could and then he would count his pennies and decide if he needed to take the bus or could possibly fly. He doubted that a plane would be an option but sometimes there were super saver fares. He could always hope.
He heard the sound of the door handle turning and was surprised to see Brian and Stephen returning without any food.
“Come on.” Brian stated making his way into the bedroom to pick up new supplies for Stephen’s bag.
“Where are we going?” Justin asked following him into the bedroom.
“Don’t ask just follow.” He smiled and led the way back out into the hall. Justin did so noticing how comfortable Stephen was in the larger man’s arms. Once they reached the street he saw a waiting cab. They got in and it took off.
“Brian? Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” He asked as Stephen crawled over into his lap. Brian just smiled.
The cab pulled up in front of a nice hotel. Justin looked over at Brian as he paid the driver and once again relieved Justin’s of his son. They walked in and made their way to the elevator never stopping to check in at the desk. Once they reached the fifth floor Brian opened the door to a room and waited for Justin to go in.
Once inside the room Justin noticed a room service table set up in the center of the room. He noticed a high chair on one side of the table. He stared back at Brian feeling overwhelmed at the kindness and at the same time hoping he hadn’t given the older man the wrong idea.
“Brian?” He saw that Brian picked up on his concern. He led him in further.
“Two beds.” He smiled. “No funny business. I know you are hurting Justin. I just wanted this day to end on a better note than sleeping on the floor of a deserted apartment. Why not start your new life off on the right foot right?” His eyes were tender and full of kindness.
“This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I’m speechless.” Brian laughed.
“If I had known being nice would shut you up I would have done this a long time ago.” They both laughed then with Stephen staring at the man with thoughtful confusion.
*****************
“Well that’s what Jennifer said. She said that he was moving back.” Deb announced to the guys at breakfast.
“Why I wonder?” Ted voiced what the rest of the group was thinking.
“I’m sure Brian has something to do with it.” Michael quipped before he could stop himself. All three men at the table stopped to stare at him.
“You’re staying out it this time you got me.” Deb waved her finger in her son’s direction.
“I haven’t done anything. I didn’t do anything the first time except tell Brian that Justin as cheating on him.” Michael answered defensively.
“Yeah and what was Brian doing in those back rooms giving lectures on monogamy?” Emmett returned.
“Well all I know is that Brian and Justin were happy once and then it all went to shit. I don’t know who did what and honestly I don’t give a fuck. They have both had their share of misery, so if Sunshine is coming back to be with Brian then I’m all for it.” Deb pulled out her pad ready to take the men’s orders.
“Haven’t you all forgotten something?” Vic asked. The men all stared at him trying to think of what they could have overlooked. He shook his head. “Justin just lost the man he loved. He is grieving. I think it’s wrong for us to assume that he is coming back to be with Brian. If not wrong then very premature wouldn’t you agree? Remember what he looked like at his mother’s after the funeral? Remember how lost and vulnerable? Do any of you really think two weeks into this nightmare he is over his loss and ready to hop back into the sack with Brian?” The table remained silent as each man rethought his previous comments. “Not to mention all Brian went through getting over Justin the first time. You think he is lining up to go back through that again?” He glanced up at Deb then back to his menu. “I’ll have the wheat toast and the fruit plate.” She shook herself from her thoughts and jotted down his request.
“Yeah you’re right Uncle Vic. Who knows if Justin will ever be ready for that again. He looked so broken.” Michael started. “Waffles with strawberries.”
“Not to mention the fact that he has a child to think about. He will have to find a job and a place to live. He isn’t that carefree boy at Brian’s beck and call.” Emmett nodded. “Donut and more coffee.”
“Brian is just being supportive. He tends to be that way when one of his friends is in trouble. I am sure that he is hoping that maybe they can be friends again. I mean after all they did mean something to each other once. It would be nice if we could all hang out together again like old times without it being awkward for those two.” Ted considered. “Eggs over easy with bacon extra crisp and wheat toast.” Deb nodded finishing up the order.
“You guys want to make a bet?” She asked before turning away. They all curiously looked her way. “They’ll be fucking in four months.” She laughed.
“I got two months.” Ted announced.
“Oh please no earlier than six.” Emmett protested.
“It’s Brian for fuck sake no more than six weeks.” Michael declared each man putting their money out on the table.
Vic merely shook his head. “Lot of good my words did.” He waited patiently for his food.
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They were in the car. Justin knew something bad was going to happen. He couldn’t remember what. Ethan was talking. He was saying something about his last performance. He could hear Stephen laughing at something in the back seat. He had to warn Ethan about something. Something bad was going to happen. He saw headlights and remembered. The crash. They were going to be in a car crash. He had to warn Ethan. He wanted to tell him to pull over but his mouth wouldn’t work. He felt the words clawing at his lips but he couldn’t make his mouth open. Looking frantically down the road, he saw the headlights crossing the center line. “Pull over. Stop the car. Pull over Stop the car!!” Over and over he screamed in his mind until it was too late.
He saw the headlights, heard the tires, saw Ethan’s face. He had failed. He had fail again. There was a crash and suddenly Justin was sitting up in bed. His body drenched in sweat. His breaths coming in ragged frantic gasps. He felt arms around him. Looking up he didn’t recognize the face at first but then slowly began to realize it was Brian and not Ethan. He sobbed. It wasn’t just a nightmare. It was his life. It was his new life.
“Sh. It’s okay. You’re safe.” Justin leaned into the man’s arms. They felt so strong. He felt so weak. He pulled back trying to reassure Brian that he was fine that he didn’t need comforting, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. The dream came rushing back and he collapsed against the man’s chest and sobbed again giving into the grief that was always waiting just beyond his finger tips. In the dark, surrounded by memories both good and bad, he no longer felt the strength to push it away.
“I saw his face. I saw it. He knew Brian. He knew. He knew he was going to die. He looked so sad and so scared. Oh please take it away. I don’t want to remember him that way. Make it go away.” He whispered into the other man’s chest.
Brian felt as if someone was squeezing his heart when he heard Justin’s admission. He had wondered if he had seen any of the accident or if he had been knocked out. How could it be that he had never regained his memory of the prom but remembered the violent details of the tragic accident in spite of his head trauma? Life was so unfair and sometimes just fucking cruel. He felt the man’s breathing settle down and knew that the emotions had run their course for the moment. Brian left the bed only to return with a glass of water. Offering it to Justin, he watched as the blonde downed it in one gulp.
“Thanks.” He whispered handing the glass back to the man.
“No problem.” Brian reassured he scrutinized Justin’s face trying to find some confirmation that he was indeed over the nightmare.
“I’m alright. It was just a dream. Not the first nightmare I’ve had and unfortunately it won’t be the last. “ Justin turned to check on Stephen who was still sleeping soundly.
“I think it was the ice cream.” Brian smiled remembering how the kid had gone after the vanilla ice cream he had ordered with their dinner. He had been pleased to see Justin eat some as well though the man had not eaten nearly as much as Brian had hoped. The last two weeks were beginning to show on the blonde. He was noticeable thinner and had dark circles under his eyes from worry and fatigue.
“Go back to sleep.” Brian offered releasing his hold on the man and gently coaxing him back down.
“Lay down with me?” Justin asked. He knew it sounded childish but he hoped the company would distract him for the moment and he would be able to sleep some more. He always felt so safe in Brian’s arms.
Brian smiled and moved in behind Justin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and settled his face into his neck. His breath felt warm against Justin’s neck. It was soothing. He felt his memories of the wreck and the nightmare slowly slipping away replaced by ones of Brian and he having sex under those wild blue lights. He fell asleep remembering touches and tastes he had not allowed himself to think about for three long years. Brian felt him drift into sleep and as he did eased himself out of the bed.
He made his away over to the desk. It was early but the concierge would be on duty by now. He called down and explained what it was that he needed. The man who answered assured him that it would all be taken care of. Feeling assured that he had things under control he moved back to his own bed. He wanted to hold Justin. He wanted to comfort him, but more than anything he wanted to kiss him and touch him and taste him. The desire was so strong at that moment that he knew better than to tempt the fates. He curled up in his own cold sheets and waited for sleep to take him once more.
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Lindsay had jumped out of bed early, having had a minor panic attack about the ad for the GLC’s art show that was suppose to be in daily paper. Tiptoeing outside in the cold she picked up her copy and rushed back into the living room. Turning on a lamp she scanned the pages until her eyes finally landed upon the ad. It looked great. She heaved a sigh of relief. Today she would finish up the finally hangings and make some last minute confirmations with the caterers. The show would open at noon Saturday. She ran through her check list one more time making sure that she hadn’t over look something. She only had thirty more hours to get everything in place. She took a deep breath.
Rising from her place on the couch she made her way upstairs to wake Melanie and Gus. It was almost six thirty and would be time for them to start their morning routines. Passing by the sketch that Justin had done of her holding Gus as an infant she felt a pain somewhere deep inside. Those were innocent days. If only they had all known and understood how precious they were. Before the bashing, the cheating, the pain of separation and the death. Justin’s life was so different now. She wondered if Brian had gotten there in time. Surely he had or he would have called her. She wondered what had happened.
She hoped Brian would not be hurt again. She had warned him to be careful and then sent him back into the flames herself. She had felt so desperate to help the young man. Had she sacrificed one of her dearest friends to save him? She hoped not. Opening the door to Gus’ room she listened to his steady breathing. She thought back to the sketch and realized that these were precious days as well. Instead of waking him up immediately she sat by his bed watching him sleep, determined to enjoy his innocence while it lasted.
*************
She had called his apartment but had gotten the recording that the number had been disconnected. She had refused to panic. Searching through her address book she had come across Jennifer Taylor’s number. She took a deep breath and steadied herself as she listened to the sound of the phone ringing on the other end of the line. On the fourth ring she heard what had to be Molly answer.
“Hello Taylor residence.” The young voice announced. Always a stickler for etiquette it was obvious that Justin had been raised in the country club sec from the moment she had met him. He was polite, excellent table manners, perfect polite conversation, and seemed at ease in every situation. Rachel had no doubt that Ethan had hoped that his partner’s social abilities would have eventually added to his own acceptance in the upper echelon of the music community. Unfortunately, due to the constraints of the contract with the management agency, Justin watched most of Ethan’s performances from the balcony and had never been allowed to attend any of the receptions. Heaven forbid any of Ethan’s swooning fans learn that he was gay. All those opportunities to enjoy his success with his partner were now gone.
“Molly?” She asked.
“Yes. May I ask who this is please?” Rachel smiled again. “It’s Rachel Gold. “
She heard the recognition in Molly’s tone. “Oh hi Rachel. How are you?”
“I’m ok. I was trying to find Justin but his number has been disconnected. Do you know how I can reach him?” She asked trying to keep the worry from her voice.
“Oh he must be on his way. He is coming here to live.” Molly announced. Rachel wanted to be irritated that Justin had not contacted her, but wondered if she really had the right to be. After all she had never been involved in Stephen’s life while her brother was alive why should that all change now?
“Why is he moving?” She asked wondering why she didn’t just ask to speak to Jennifer. Then again sometimes kids didn’t know to be guarded and were a better source of information. Jennifer was always careful about how much she revealed. It was much better that she speak to Molly.
“I don’t know. I think he needs help but I couldn’t say for sure. He and Stephen are going to living with us for a while until he can get a place of his own. Do you want me to tell him that you called?” She asked her voice sincere and innocent.
“No that’s ok. I’ll call him back in a few days. Do you know how Stephen is? He seemed really fussy the last time I saw him.” Rachel had noticed that the boy had been inconsolable on the way to the airport. That was really out of character for him.
“He had an ear infection. Mom said that was why he was so miserable the day after the funeral. He is on medicine now and I guess he is fine. He was when they left but that was a week ago. “ Rachel nodded. So he was sick that explained it. ‘One more thing for Justin to handle’ she thought. She was starting to remember why she had decided to hand the child over and have little to no place in his life. She was too self centered to be a parent. It was a hard admission to make but where as Ethan was the romantic, Rachel had always been a realist.
“Well I will let you go. Tell you mother I said hello.” Rachel waited for Molly to promise to send along her wishes and say good bye before hanging up.
So Justin was moving back to Pittsburg. That was probably a good thing. He would have more friends and family there. She honestly felt better about Stephen being closer to his grandmother. She liked Jennifer. Even though sometimes she could come off as cold and a bit of a snob, in reality she was a kind woman who would do anything for her son.
Ethan had told Rachel once that Jennifer had divorced Justin’s father because the man had disowned him after finding out about his sexuality. She couldn’t imagine all that Jennifer had given up for the love of her son. She thought about the way Justin loved Stephen. Justin had been fortunate to have a good example in his mother. It was a comfort to know that Stephen was loved with such absolute devotion.
She smiled and turned her cell phone off. She didn’t have any desire to be interrupted during her next meeting. Her parents had been calling nonstop over the last week. She was beginning to realize that without Ethan to hold the spotlight she would be coming under more and more scrutiny. Everyday she missed her brother more.
**********************
Justin woke to the sound of a fake cough from his son lying next to him. It was a game that the little boy played in order to get his sleeping Daddy to wake up. He would cough and wait then cough again until finally Justin would get out of bed. The little one was still laying on his side, his face away from his father. Another cough and the boy went perfectly still. Justin stifled a laugh that was building inside of him.
He reached over and began tickling the little one. Squeals of delight and surprise rang out filling the room.
“Where is that snooze button? Come on where is it?” He playfully demanded seeking out the snooze button.
“You’d better find it Mr. Taylor or I will have to come over there and unplug that alarm clock.” Brian teased. Stephen wiggled free of his Father’s arms and launched himself fearlessly on top of Brian.
“Sneak attack!” Brian exclaimed then gave the boy a huge bear hug. Stephen squealed louder. Justin came over with a cup of juice and handed it to the boy. He took it willingly and pointed to the television set. Justin put on Sesame Street. Stephen immediately pushed off to get to the end of the bed.
“Better get out of the way. No one gets between Stephen and his Elmo obsession.”
“MO MO!” Stephen chanted pointing and staring back at Brian. Brian smiled back and nodded.
“It’s not a children’s program. It’s a cult. They’re brainwashing him.” Brian joked watching the little boy as he became totally engrossed in the program as he sucked on his sip cup.
Justin sat on the edge of Brian’s bed watching his son happily drinking his juice. He had no idea that they were leaving their home today. He had no clue that most of their possessions had been sold in order to have the money to get back to the Pitts. He had no idea that they were soon going to be living with Grandmother Taylor until Justin could get on his feet. He had no idea that his Papa was never coming home.
Brian watched Justin as the other man was lost in thought. The lines of sadness and worry lining the younger man’s face betrayed his thoughts.
“It’s going to be ok Justin.” He reminded him. Justin lifted his eyes and nodded looking anything but assured of that fact.
“I had better get cleaned up. I still have to ship those boxes and turn in my keys. I also need to check on bus tickets. Could you call for me while I am in the shower? “ Brian nodded knowing that the tickets would be unnecessary, but now was not the time to reveal to Justin what he had worked out the night before.
In the bathroom Justin turned on the water before collapsing beside the tub. He placed a towel over his mouth to muffle the sound as his body was wracked with waves of sobs. He had dreamed of Brian last night instead of Ethan. He continued crying lost in his feelings of guilt, remorse and grief. He had so much to do and yet found himself struggling to have the strength to stand let alone keep his life moving forward. He thought about Stephen and felt his strength renew itself.
He knew he had to keep going. He knew how lucky he was to have Brian here to help him. He was trying so hard to be Justin’s friend. He wondered for a moment if he was losing his mind. One minute he was drowning in grief for the loss of his partner and the next he was having erotic dreams about lying in Brian’s arms. It numbed the pain to be in Brian’s arms. Justin knew that it was dangerous. He couldn’t risk hurting Brian. He had done just that three years ago. No matter what damage they had done to each other in the past, he could never justify acting selfishly or recklessly with the man. He loved Brian to much to burden him with the massive amount of pain he was enduring right now.
He slowly took off his sleep pants and slipped into the shower. He felt the hot water beat down on his tired and sore muscles. His tears now washed away he concentrated on bathing. That was the key to surviving. He had to learn not to think too much. If he could just keep his mind focused on that which was right in front of him then he could get through the day. One day at a time. He told himself for the millionth time in the last week.
Brian heard the shower turn off and he moved to order room service for breakfast. He knew that Stephen liked fruit so that was easy enough. He hadn’t seen Justin eat enough to keep a bird alive in the last few days. He decided it was time for a bit of intervention and order eggs, bacon, toast, and waffles and then a bagel and coffee for himself. He had just hung up when he saw Justin appear from the bath. He had a white hotel towel wrapped around his waist.
“The water is great.” Justin smiled. Brian could recognize the effort from those first few months when the boy was first pursuing him. He would always paste a smile on in spite of the hurt Brian had just inflicted. He was grateful that the pain Justin was masking had not been caused by him but it broke his heart to see him hurting so deeply. He felt an overwhelming need to hold the young man but realized that Stephen already had dibs on that job.
“Hey Buddy Boy.” Justin kissed his son. “Did you sing with Elmo?”
“Mo Mo” Stephen stated pointing at the television then began a constant chatter in what had to be a foreign language. To Brian’s amazement it seemed that Justin was actually able to understand the boy. Leaving the two deep in conversation, Brian made his way into the shower.
He was shocked to see that everything was picked up and in his place. No sloppy wet towels on the floor, no empty shampoo bottle in the floor of the shower, no razors lying in the sink. He saddened him a bit to realize how much Justin had grown up in their time apart. He truly had grown up a lot in the last three years. He was no longer the sloppy teen he fell in love with. Now he was a man. He was an incredible, remarkable, devastated man that had given up sunsets for beaches only to have his beach taken from him as well.
Looking in the mirror Brian noted how little he had changed in the last three years. How could he hope to ever be all that Justin would need once he was over his loss? The fear in his eyes matched the pain he had seen in Justin’s earlier. Steeling himself he refused to believe that there wasn’t a chance. Where there was love there was hope and the one thing that he knew for certain was that he loved Justin, always had and always would.
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Jennifer Taylor didn’t want to interfere in her son’s life but some habits were hard to break. She had set out to redo the extra bedroom while Justin spent the last week getting his affairs in order before returning to live with them. He had emphasized that it would only be temporary, but she was hoping he would take all the time he needed to get his feet under him and heal from his terrible loss.
She stood back and examined her handy work. It was perfect. Of course having an artist for a son she was sure he would find ways to improve on it and that would be wonderful as well. It would give him something to concentrate on besides his sorrow.
“Anyone home?” Deb’s voice shattered the silence.
“Back here in the guest room.” Jennifer called.
“Wow.” Deb smiled taking in the room. The walls had been freshly painted white with a border of children’s hand prints found at both the ceiling and the chair rail. On the wall where the crib would sit she had adhered images of Sesame Street characters the focus being on Elmo. There was a white dresser with matching images of Elmo on each of the drawers. On the floor was a little rug with children’s handprints on it that matched the border. Laid out on the bed was a new crib comforter with Sesame Street characters on it.
Justin’s bed had a plain off white comforter but with primary colored throw pillows that matched the colors found in the border and floor rug. Another white dresser was located on the far wall. It had a beautiful water color hanging above it with two more modern works on either side. It was lovely and truly reflected the love of a mother for her grieving her son.
“Sunshine’s going to love it.” Deb announced embracing Jennifer.
“You think so.” She was suddenly feeling a bit insecure.
“He’ll put up a few of his sketches and it will be just like home.” Deb reassured her.
“Well not exactly.” Jennifer added as both women took a moment to acknowledge the truth of Jennifer’s words.
“He’ll be ok. It will take time Jennifer, but he is going to be ok. Have faith.” Deb rubbed Jennifer’s back. She smiled back.
“I’ve been child proofing all week as well. I have all the outlets covered, all my poisons are up, I have a new gate for the stairs. Can you think of anything else?” She looked at Deb anxiously.
“Well it’s been awhile since I had to worry about any of that Jen.” She laughed. “But why don’t you call Lindsay and Melanie. I am sure that they can tell you and would love to feel like they were helping Justin somehow.” Jennifer nodded. “Have you heard from him?” She asked.
“No. Well he called when he first got there but not a word since. He said it would be a week then he would be here, so that should be either today or tomorrow. Do you have Lindsay’s number?’ Deb nodded.
“It’s in my purse. Let me get it. You can give her a call and then I’ll help you finish up anything that she suggests that you missed. Ok?”
“Great.” They made their way back into the living room.
“Lindsay? This is Jennifer Taylor.” She started hoping Lindsay would remember who she was.
“Yes yes Justin’s mom.” Jennifer paused while the other woman spoke. “ Yeah he is. I am more relieved than anything else.” Deb listened to one side of the conversation and tried to guess what questions Jennifer was answering.
“No I didn’t know that. When did he go? Is he coming back with him?” Jennifer paused. She had a concerned look on her face. Deb had seen that look only a few times and each time it had involved Brian somehow.
“I just don’t understand why---- Well I understand but I just think I could have been more of a help to him. I am just not sure that Justin is thinking straight right now and---“ Lindsay was obviously explaining something to Jennifer. Deb was encouraged that Jennifer was at least listening.
“No I am not saying that. I think it is very generous and kind of him to go to all that trouble. I just don’t understand why he is ---- Well that is a little hard for me to believe--- Because it’s been three years.” Deb stood up and took the phone from Jennifer.
“Hi Lindsay look we didn’t call to debate about Brian’s motives. Jennifer needs your help. Justin and Stephen will be here either today or tomorrow and we were hoping you could give us some child proofing advice. It’s been a while for both of us.” Jennifer waited. She felt her face which had grown warm during her portion of the conversation begin to cool down. She had been both shocked and angry that Brian had followed Justin to New York. Surely he hadn’t expected Justin to just jump right back into his bed? She thought again about Justin taking over at the man’s house the week after the funeral. Had they had sex then? Surely Justin had loved Ethan too much to disown his memory. She pulled her focus back to the phone as she watched Debbie replace it in the cradle.
“She said she would come over and help check everything out. She is busy at the GLC right now. They are having an art show and she is in charge of that. When she picks up Gus she will come over.” Jennifer nodded.
Deb placed her hand on Jennifer’s shoulder waiting until the woman looked at her.
“Brian isn’t the shit you think he is. If he went to New York he did it to help Justin not take advantage of him. You didn’t see him that morning when it first came out in the paper. He was scared shitless that Justin had been killed as well. He still loves him Jennifer. He does.” Her voice was soothing but Jennifer could find no peace.
“Look I know he cares for Justin. I do know that. I even asked him to use his influence to keep him here right after the funeral to give him the time he needed to catch his breath, but I am having a hard time believing that after three years of no contact that suddenly he is Justin’s best friend. He wants something. He is a predator. He is always on the hunt. I don’t want my son hurt anymore than he has been. Do you have any idea what he is going through?” Jennifer’s voice was high with emotion.
“No I don’t but neither do you. None of us have loss our partner in life being left with a child to raise and a broken heart.” She brought the other woman into a warm embrace. “Trust Sunshine. He’s bright and totally dedicated to his son. He isn’t going to do anything at would hurt Stephen even if it means giving up something that he really wants.” Jennifer pulled back and regarded the other woman. She could trust her son. If they were going to occupy her condo with any amount of harmony she had to learn to trust him to make his own decisions as he started to piece his life back together, but she didn’t have to trust Brian.
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Justin had been very grateful to Brian for arranging for the SUV to get them back to Pittsburgh. It had made it so much easier to just load the boxes instead of shipping them. Taking one last look around what had been his home for the last years he felt a lump rise in his throat. Brian silently took Stephen and waited in the hall allowing Justin a moment to say goodbye to the memories held within the walls.
Justin fought the tears but knew it was a losing battle.
“I know you aren’t here but it feels like I’m losing you again. “ He could hear his laughter and see him practicing in the far corner where the light was better. He could smell Ethan’s failed attempt to surprise him with a gourmet dinner winning a huge smile of gratitude not to mention a new found respect for the blonde’s talents in the kitchen. He remembered them both dancing madly around the apartment when Stephen had managed his first few steps. He leaned against the counter trying to find the strength to cross the room and shut the door behind him. Slowly he turned and made his way to the door. Walking through he found himself unable to close it so he decided to leave it ajar. He looked up and met Brian’s eyes. He felt he man’s arms around him as he just silently stood holding Justin, letting the tears come, trying to be supportive, trying to ease a pain he couldn’t begin to understand.
Stephen reached for his Father. His face full of concern he looked to the apartment and then to Justin.
“Papa?” He asked. Justin nodded.
“Yeah Papa, Justin and Stephen and he pointed at the apartment.” He wiped his face and smiled at his son.
“Papa?” Stephen asked sounding more alarmed and concerned. Justin looked to Brian not sure what to say or do. How could he explain? How could he know what Stephen was asking?
“Papa’s gone.” Brian said gently. “He’s gone Stephen. He loved his Stephen but he had to go.”
“Papa go?” Stephen asked pointing down the hall.
“No.” Brian soothed rubbing the little boy’s back as he tightened his hold on the boy.
“Papa’s gone.” Justin finished pointing up to Heaven. “Please understand Stephen. Please.” His voice was so full of sorrow even Brian found his eyes filling.
“Kiss.” Stephen announced reaching for his Father and covering him with a huge wet kiss. Justin held his son tightly burying his face in the boys shoulder.
“I love you Stephen. I love you.” He whispered. Brian looked away wiping his face and clearing his throat.
“Well we better get moving before they tow us huh?” He suggested trying to brighten the mood.
Justin looked up at him gratefully.
“I have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without you. Thank you Brian.” He saw it then in the older man’s eyes. The same softening he had seen after the bashing. The same softening he had seen the night he had confessed that he had wanted to come home to Justin. Brian nodded and reached for Stephen.
All questions forgotten Stephen launched himself into Brian’s arms ready for another adventure bringing a smile to both of the men’s faces. Justin refused to look back as they walked down the hall and entered the elevator.
It was over. If he looked back he would lose his mind, he had to look forward. He had to keep moving. Ethan’s life was over but like it or not he was still alive. He had a son who needed him. For the first time in days he found himself wondering what tomorrow might bring.
