Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Endings and Beginnings

Chapter 5


The next morning Brian found himself standing alone in front of Jennifer Taylor’s condo knocking on the door. It was 10 o’clock and he hoped he wasn’t going to wake anyone. His time with Gus had taught him that kids get up early no matter how late the parent stays up so he figured Justin had probably been up for hours.


The door opened and Molly stood there for a moment trying to recognize him. She finally placed him. “Your Gus’ Dad, right?” She asked. He smiled and nodded.


“Yep that’s me. We’ve met once before.” Molly paused remembering.


“Oh yeah you were with Justin..” She paused as she started putting it all together for the first time. She had been too young to do so three years ago but now it dawned on her that he had been her brother’s lover. She nodded and gestured for him to come in.


“Justin’s still asleep.” She commented.


“What? Is he sick?” He asked glancing around for Jennifer.


“My mom had to run some errands. Stephen was up most of the night screaming. Justin had to take him to the clinic this morning as soon as they opened. He has an ear infection. Justin was up with him most of the night. He is really tired. “ Brian rolled his lips into his mouth. Just what Justin needed, a sick kid. Brian shook his head marveling at the cruelty of fate. He wondered if Justin had thought about his words about life not being fair when he was up trying to comfort Stephen at five in the morning.


“He’s in his room with Stephen if you want to look in on them. Mom told me to check on them some. I was about to but you can if you want. “ Brian nodded. He made his way quietly down the hall as he had two nights before. He slowly opened the door and peeked inside. There was Justin sleeping peacefully his back to the door Stephen curled up in front of him his body securely spooned against his father’s chest. Justin’s arm was wrapped around the child holding him no doubt comforting the child as he slept. Brian moved inside the room watching the two as they slept. He remembered how wonderful it had been to share a bed with Justin. How many nights had he held him and soothed him holding back the nightmares and worries of the day? How many nights had the young man’s presence comforted him and held his demons at bay?


He couldn’t resist. He lowered himself onto the bed trying not to disturb either occupant’s sleep. Spooning himself against Justin’s back he wrapped his arm around the other man allowing his hand to rest on Stephens chest as the boy wiggled in closer to his father. He exhaled slowly relieved that he hadn’t woken either of them. He closed his eyes hoping his presence would once again keep Justin’s dreams safe and his sleep restful.


As he lay there he started remembering the last time Justin had laid in his arms. It had been their last night together. He had returned only minutes before the curfew. He had accepted his place by Brian’s side with sad resignation. Brian had wanted so much to whisper the words the boy had been waiting and wanting to hear but had been unable to do so. He had known in his heart that that night would be their last night together. He had laid there feeling the man’s smooth skin beneath his fingers trying to memorize what it felt like to hold him so that he would never forget. Brian felt his own desperation rise up within him.


He suddenly wondered what he was doing here in this grieving man’s bed. He started to retract his hand from Justin’s but was surprised to feel Justin’s fingers interlace with his own. “Don’t leave.” Justin whispered relaxing further back into Brian’s chest. Brian nodded and smiled against the other man’s head. Justin must have felt it because he squeezed Brian’s hand in his. Stephen sighed loudly in his sleep and restlessly squirmed trying to roll over.


“We’re on borrowed time.” Justin stated refusing to open his eyes.


Brian chose not to respond. Little did Justin realize how succinctly he had summed up Brian’s fears.


“I’m sorry about last night. I can be quite the bitch sometimes.” Justin whispered. “You probably don’t remember that about me.”


“You’re hurting and the one you want to yell at isn’t here so it’s normal to lash out at someone who is.” Brian rationalized.


“Normal maybe, but it doesn’t make it right. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be less of a psycho.” Justin whispered. “So did Lindsay give you any more helpful insights into why I’m acting like an asshole?” Justin asked. Brian smiled against his neck.


“You always were a little smart ass.” He replied both men laughing softly. Justin felt so grateful that he hadn’t woken up alone. He’d known it was Brian the moment he’d felt his hand on his. He remembered he feel and the smell of the man from countless dreams.


Brian too was grateful that unlike their arguments in the past it seemed that now they could actually move past their differences without any hysterical antics. They had both definitely grown up in their years apart. Brian wasn’t sure how much of that had to do with the amount of time that had past or the experiences that they had both been forced to endure. It didn’t really matter. All that mattered to the older man now was that he was lying in a bed, holding the man he loved, giving him what he had to offer and for once it seemed to be enough.


*************


“ Turkey or ham?” Jennifer asked as they entered the kitchen. They must have dozed off together. When they woke an hour later Stephen was gone and just he and Justin were sleeping together on the bed. Brian had feared that it would be an awkward moment but Justin had merely released his hand after squeezing it once more and rolled over him and out of the bed. They could both hear Molly laughing and playing with Stephen in the other room. The boy was definitely feeling better. Justin still looked exhausted and painfully thin. The toil of the week was definitely showing on him. His eyes were still beautiful but lacked their normal shine.


Once they left the bedroom they heard Deb’s voice coming from the kitchen. She was obviously discussing something with Jennifer. Jennifer’s voice was soft and hard to make out but Deb only had one volume level and that was loud. As they drew closer the topic of the discussion became apparent. It was them. It was Brian and Justin. Justin grabbed up Stephen on his way into the kitchen. Upon entering he had met his mother’s gaze with obvious displeasure.


Jennifer had checked the conversation, but Deb wasn’t as quick on the up take.


“Hey Sunshine. Hey Brian. You guys finally wake up huh?” Justin’s gaze remained on his mother. Brian made his way to the table and sat down.


“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me like that?” Jennifer asked exasperated.


“I don’t know. Are you going to discuss me and my private life as if it is any of your business?” Justin asked even Stephen picking up on the edge in his father’s voice and turning to stare first at him and then at his grandmother.


“Justin, drop it. Your mom is just concerned. It’s what we moms do. We get concerned and we get over it.” Deb said moving over to take Stephen from the man’s arms.


“Wook at you wittle won. You are so cute. I could just eat you up.” Debbie picked him up over her head playfully and was rewarded by a series of giggles and squeals breaking the tension in the room.


“Here.” Brian said as he moved the high chair back to the position it had the other night. He removed the tray and helped Debbie settle the tyke into his seat. He immediately balked trying to arch his way out of the seat.


“Pissy little cuss aren’t ya?” Debbie laughed. “Michael was exactly the same way.” She took a seat beside the baby and began feeding him tiny bites of turkey.


“So what will it be?” Jennifer asked her patent smile returning. “Turkey or ham for lunch?” She hadn’t looked away from Justin and he had yet to respond.


“Turkey he hates ham and so do I.” Brian said. Jennifer turned her eyes to meet his. He thought there was a bit of gratitude there as she turned to make the sandwiches.


“So you kept your dad up all night did ya?” Brian teased causing the toddler to beginning chatting at him at a furious pace. After covering every possible sound that the little one had ever managed to form Brian turned back to Justin. “Messy and talk your ear off definitely Taylor traits.” Justin laughed and the tension in the room decreased even further. Jennifer gave both men their lunch while Debbie got them something to drink. They thanked the women and ate in silence.


“So how long are you staying in the Pitts?” Brian asked sick of the silence and wondering if he was wasting precious time.


“I fly back tomorrow.” Justin stated causing Jennifer to drop the knife she was using to the floor. She picked it up and addressed her son keeping her back to him.


“I thought you were staying for another week.” She stated.


“I never said that.” Justin began. “You suggested and I said I would think about it. It is very sweet of you mom but I need to get back.” Jennifer turned and met Justin’s gaze.


“If this is about me sticking my nose into what—“


“No. It isn’t though you do need to stay out of that part of my life. I have a lot to work out and not much time to do it.” Justin stated his anxiety over the situation evident.


“Like what?” Brian asked looking from Jennifer to Justin.


“Yeah Sunshine. What’s the rush?” Deb asked as she continued to play with Stephen hoping he would eat just a few more bites.


Justin laid his sandwich down and stared at the table. “Just stuff. Life you know? Stuff.” He said glancing briefly at Brian. “I need to go get cleaned up.” He rose. He had hardly touched his food.


“You need to eat.” Deb insisted.


“I’m really not hungry. Sorry.” He threw that last part out to his mom whose face was lined with worry. “Could you watch Stephen while I take a shower?” He asked Deb.


“Of course sweetie.” She cooed. “We are getting to be very good friends aren’t we little one. Yes we are. “ Stephen smiled and reached out to offer Debbie some of his turkey. Justin smiled fondly at this son. “You’ll still be here right?” He asked Brian who just nodded and continued to eat his lunch.


As soon as they heard the shower start in the back of the house Jennifer turned to Brian.


“Ok he can just hate me and you can too that’s fine.” Brian steeled himself for another ‘leave my son alone’ speech. “ But he has no business going back to New York and you are the only one he is going to listen to.” Brian shook his head slightly as if trying to clear it.


“What do you want me to do?” He asked. “Why is it a mistake for him to go back?”


“Look at him Brian. Jez he’s thin as a rail. You think he’ll take care of himself in the midst of grieving.” Deb began.


“Not to mention trying to find a different job and a new place to live.” Jennifer added shocking the other two adults at the table. She realized she had said too much but now owed it to the them to tell them more.


“Without Ethan’s pay there is no way Justin can afford their apartment. He had been working part time on commissioned work so that he could be home with Stephen. He sometimes does part time work at a gallery near his home but that isn’t very regular. He worked there before the baby was born. “ Brian considered all that he was hearing. So Justin hadn’t just lost his partner he had lost his home, security and job as a full time dad.


The shower was turned off in the back of the house and the three immediately sought another subject of conversation. They settled on a new advertising campaign that Brian was working on. It was for some lemonade flavored beer and the client wanted to use a child’s lemonade stand in the campaign. Brian had been outraged and it was surprisingly one of the few times Jennifer agreed with him. When Justin entered he looked tired but much better.


Upon seeing his dad Stephen began struggling for escape. “Ok Ok…”Debbie began trying to clean the food from his mouth and hands before setting him lose in Jennifer’s lovely condo. Once he had obtained his freedom he bound over to his father reaching up to be held. Justin complied smothering the boy’s neck with kisses. Stephen giggled delighted by his father’s attention. Brian watched the two of them for a moment realizing how much their lives were about to change. They were still in the bubble but upon debarking the plane in New York both of their lives would be forever changed.


“So I have Gus this afternoon. You think Stephen might want to have some play time with his biggest fan.”


Stephen recognized the other’s child’s name and immediately began to chant “Gus Gu Gus”


Justin laughed. “Ok you got it. What time?” He asked turning his attention back to Brian.


“Linz is dropping him by at 2:00. She had some work to do on the GLC show.” Justin nodded glancing up at the clock. “We had better run then or you are going to miss her.” Brian followed his gaze. Where had the day gone? They would have to really move it to get there on time. Brian graciously thanked Jennifer for the lunch and kissed Deb on the cheek. Justin had already thanked his mom and given Deb a kiss and a hug. He was gathering the necessary baby things they would need for an afternoon at the loft.


Jennifer pulled Brian aside for a moment. “Please Brian just watch him today. You make your own call but if you think he needs more time here try to convince him ok?” Brian nodded.


“I will Jennifer. I will suggest but I won’t tell him what to do. He is a big boy and can make up his own mind.” His reply hadn’t been what she had wanted but it had been more than she had hoped for. She knew that he cared for Justin and would be honest with him if he felt he needed more time to recover.


*************************


As Brian threw open the door to the loft he was careful to watch Justin’s reaction. He noticed that he didn’t put Stephen down but held him as he walked in.


“It’s a lot more child proof now.” Brian commented smiling. Justin relaxed and lowered his son to the floor. Stephen continued to hold on to his Father’s hand as he looked around the loft in wonder. Justin found himself staring up at the bedroom in spite of himself. Brian followed his line of sight and chuckled playfully reaching out to wrap his arms around the other man.


“Few good memories there huh?” He smiled releasing Justin as quickly as he had held him. He then moved on to the kitchen. Justin returned his smile picking up his son once more following Brian into the kitchen.


“Well how does it feel to be back ?” Brian asked unable to read Justin’s expression.


“Good. Bad. I don’t know exactly. Weird and strangely comforting. “ He murmured still taking it all in. Justin found himself flooded with images from the first time he had come to the loft with Brian. Had he really only been 17? He had been scared shitless knowing he was about to lose his virginity to this man and completely clueless as to how to actually make it happen. Brian had been at his best that night. He had been hot and sexy as hell but then patient and sensual too. He had done everything in his power to ease Justin’s pain and make his first experience a good one. Justin caught himself staring once more at the bedroom.


“You ok?” Brian asked but before Justin could answer the buzzer sounded. “That’s Gus.” Brian announced to Stephen who immediately squirmed out of Justin’s arms and leapt to Brian’s. Brian laughed aloud at the boy’s unbridled enthusiasm. “Another Taylor trait.” He commented though Justin wasn’t sure what trait he was referring to unless it was an overly active obsession with Kinney men.


Gus bounded up the stairs unwilling to wait for the elevator.


“Stephen!” He exclaimed racing to the waiting little one carefully hugging him like he hadn’t seen him in years.


“Gu Gu Gussssss!” The blond boy squealed in delight.


“Can we paint in the shower?” Gus asked turning to Brian.


“Hey, Justin.” Lindsay’s voice caught both men off guard. They had been caught up in the reunion they had just witnessed.


“Hey.” Justin said softly as he made his way over to his lovely friend and kissed her on the cheek.


“Could you guys come pick me up in a couple of hours and then give Gus and I a ride home. Mel is downstairs. She has a meeting this afternoon with a client and needs to car.”


“Are you down to one car?” Brian asked alarmed.


“No well yes but only until Monday. The other one is having some maintenance done on it.” She smiled at Brian’s concern. It was touching that he cared.


“Sure.” Brian said. “That ok with you Justin?” He asked. Justin wasn’t use to being consulted by the mighty Brian Kinney so he laughed for a moment before agreeing.


“What’s so funny?” Brian asked confused.


“Nothing you’ve just never asked if something was ok with me before.” Justin turned his attention back to the boys missing the frown that temporarily shadowed Brian’s features.


Lindsay let herself out leaving the men and two boys to their afternoon of fun.


“So who wants to paint the shower?” Brian asked. Gus immediately began to jump up and down in excitement. Stephen not to be out done did his best to jump as well though he couldn’t quite get his feet to leave the ground. Brian snatched up the baby and gave him a huge hug for trying.


“You’re cute for a drooling sticky timebomb.” He tickled his tummy carrying him into the bathroom. Gus followed behind calling to Justin to follow. Once inside Gus immediately began stripping. Justin arrived in time to watch Brian remove Stephen’s clothing as well. He kept the diaper on but fastened it a bit tighter.


Reaching into a cabinet under the sink Brian pulled out a bucket full of brushes and non toxic paints. Placing both boys in the shower he quickly took a towel to make sure that the floor was dry and not slippery. He then handed each a brush and announced. “Go to it.” Justin stiffened at the sound of the words remembering when they had been used on him and marveling at the surreal moment he was experiencing.


“What?” Brian asked noting Justin’s reaction. Justin gave a small smile and shook his head in response.


Gus launched in immediately dipping his brush in the red paint and attacking the shower doors. Not to be out done Stephen followed Gus’s lead but quickly realized he really couldn’t handle the brush. He tossed it aside and reach in a dish and started placing handprints and smears all over the shower walls.. Justin watched in amazement. It was the perfect spot. He couldn’t believe Brian was allowing it. The Brain he had shared the loft with would have had a shit fit if anyone had even suggested such a thing.


“Here.” He turned to see that Brian had brought in a spare chair for Justin to sit on as he made do sitting on the toilet lid. Brian divided his attention between watching the kids and watching Justin. The kids were easy to figure out. They were having fun. Stephen was too young to realize all that he had lost in the past week. All he knew was that he was covered in red paint in the shower with his best friend making a mess and loving every minute of it. Looking back at Justin he saw the huge contrast. The man looked pale and sad. Even with a faint smile on his lips it was obvious that he was fighting not to remember why he was here so far from his home, separated by miles and six feet of dirt from the man he had chosen to spend his life with.


“Why are you going back?” Brian asked shaking the other man from his thoughts.


“I just have to.” Justin said simply.


“No really. Save that bullshit for your mom. Why?” Brian asked again. This time Justin shook his head.


“I feel like if I don’t go back now that I never will.” His voice was barely audible over the giggles coming from the shower.


“Why is that?” Brian asked not letting him off the hook so easily.


“Because there is nothing for me in New York.” Justin replied.


“Then why go back?” He asked again. Justin paused for a long moment as if remembering something or maybe just reasoning out what Brian was saying.


“I don’t know. I don’t know why I even moved there to begin with. It was Ethan’s idea.” He shook his head.


“Wanted to make it big in the Big Apple?” Brian asked turning to watch the rainbow that was taking form in his bathroom.


“No. That wasn’t it.” Justin replied keeping his eyes on Brain.


“Then what?” Brian asked keeping his eyes on Stephen as he decided that Gus needed to be a different color.


“He knew I would go back to you.” The words felt like a slap as Brian jerked his head back to look at Justin.


“What?” He asked furrowing his brow.


“He knew I would go back to you.” Justin said plainly.


“He caught me looking at some old sketches I had done of you one day and the next thing I knew we were moving to New York.” Justin shook his head. “I didn’t even argue with him. I knew he was right. I knew I would wind up back here in this loft for something you wouldn’t give or settling for something I didn’t really want. I mean the last night felt like begging. Love me love me” Justin over exaggerated obviously not happy about how needy he had been. “So we moved to New York.”


Brian couldn’t breathe. Justin had left because he had felt the same pull. It was that pull that had driven Brian nearly insane that first year.


“Even after a year together he knew. I don’t know how but he did.” Brian wasn’t sure he wanted to know anymore and yet he didn’t want Justin to stop talking.


“Even after a year what?” Brian was now on his knees lifting Justin’s face to his own.


“I would look for you in crowds. I would think that maybe you would be in New York for an interview or maybe a meeting. I would think that I had seen you in the crowd and follow the guy for blocks, but it was never you. I don’t know how but Ethan knew.” Justin looked up in a panic. “It isn’t that I didn’t love Ethan though. I did. He was good to me Brian. He loved me. It was just that—“ Justin paused wondering if he should say it or not.


“It was just that? Tell me Justin. It was just that?” A scream from the shower had Justin on his feet pushing past Brian before the other man had managed to move. Turning Brian saw Stephen lying on his back crying. It was obvious that the boy had fallen back striking his head on the shower tile. Justin picked him up trying to sooth him while looking at his head to see if the skin was broken. He had a knot rising on the back of his head.


“Can you get some ice?” Justin asked stepping out of the shower still trying to calm his son. He was whispering soothing things as he sat him on the counter in the kitchen examining his eyes to make sure that they were dilating as they should.


“Think we should take him to the clinic?” Brian asked handing the ice over to Justin who was still trying to comfort Stephen.


“If he doesn’t stop crying in the next couple of minutes. “ Justin replied. He continued to sooth the boy gently placing the bag of ice Brian had handed him to the lump.


After a couple of minutes the knot was noticeably smaller and all but forgotten by the toddler who was now insistent that he be allowed to finished painting Gus. Justin and Brain took in the amount of paint on Justin’s clothing not to mention the kitchen counter and decided to put a halt to that activity.


“Gosh is it already four?” Justin asked looking to Brian.


“Yeah I am sure it is. Time flies when I have Gus these days. It is never enough is it Sonny Boy?” He picked up the boy by his ankles and hung him upside down for a moment. Stephen was standing face to face with the upside down boy. They were both laughing in delight at the strange experience. Stephen continued looking back from time to time for reassurance from his Father. Justin finally picked him up and headed over to gather up his things.


“Where are you going?” Brian asked.


“Well I just thought since you have to take Gus back that you would drop Stephen and I off as well.” Brian studied him for a moment.


“No I don’t think so.” Brian lowered Gus to the floor and stepped over the giggling boy to get to the other man. Reaching out Stephen immediately went into his arms. Brian smiled at Stephen. He really was a beautiful boy. He then turned to look at Justin.


“You look absolutely exhausted. I want you to go up and get in that bed. I am going to run by and grab Lindsay. I’ll see if maybe Stephen can stay for a while with her then we can pick him up again after you have had a bit of a break and some rest.” He could see the guilt in Justin’s eyes. “He doesn’t understand Justin. He has no idea what has happened. He will be fine. Lindsay is wonderful with kids and he loves seeing Gus.” He was too tired to argue. He nodded his head.


“Will you tell her about his fall and have her keep an eye on him. If he throws up or gets sleepy where she can’t wake him—“


“I’ll tell her. You know she’s done this once already. Gus was forever taking falls. It will be ok. He will be fine. Now off to bed.” Justin handed him the baby bag and with a grateful look headed up to the bedroom. Brian was struck by the weight of his movements. He had a flash of other times where they had raced up those steps, clothes flying, desperate to feel the other’s hands on their body. He shook his head. Time changes things.


“You ready Sonny Boy?” He asked. Gus nodded trying to open the heavy door. “How about you Sunny Boy?” Brian smiled as Stephen pulled back to give him a huge wet kiss and begin to bounce in his arms. “Then off we go.”



*******************************


Pulling up in front of Lindsay’s home Brian once again felt he needed to make sure he hadn’t asked for too much.


“Are you kidding? I love playing with Stephen and I never see him.” She reached over and placed her hand on his. “I’m happy to do this for Justin. I know he needs a break. How was he?”


“Awful. It was awful. He is so tired. Stephen was up all night with an ear infection. Oh and by the way he’s had his latest dose but we will be by to pick him up before 8 o’clock that is when the next one is due. He also took a fall in my shower and has a knot on his head so Justin wanted you to watch him.” Lindsay laughed for a moment.


“He’s quite a father isn’t he?” She looked back at the bouncing bright little boy.


“Yeah he really is. He is so good with him. Stephen absolutely adores him.” He opened the door and made his way back to release Sunny Boy from his car seat.


“Just like Gus adores you.” She said as Gus finally allowed his mother to unfasten his seat belt for him. He was so close to being able to do it, but just couldn’t push the button hard enough yet.


Brian just smiled over at him. “They are really good together. “ He helped her get all of the things inside the front door. “It’s odd because the age difference doesn’t seem to matter.”


“Maybe it’s a Kinney-Taylor trait.” She smiled up at him. He had to smile in return. He had never thought of that but maybe it was true.


“Call if you need us. Use my cell. I am going to get him to sleep as long as possible. He needs it. He insists that he is going back to New York tomorrow. Jennifer doesn’t want him to. She asked me to watch him and then try to convince him to stay longer if I felt he should.” He turned to go.


“Well?” She asked not being able to resist.


“The way he was today I would have to say he needs to stay for at least a month but I would settle for another week. He has no business going back tomorrow. I won’t tell him what to do though. All I can do it suggest.” He glanced once more at the kids now totally engrossed in a new building game Gus had drug out for them.


********************


He had thought that he would have a problem sleeping in Brian’s bed. He had been concerned that all of the memories both good and bad would come flooding back at him. Instead he couldn’t even remember his head hitting the pillow. When he opened his eyes he could hear someone moving around in the kitchen. He checked the clock. It was nine o’clock. He had slept for a little over five hours.


“Shit.” He sprang to his feet. He had missed Stephen’s next dose of antibiotic. He pulled his shoes on and stumbled down the steps rubbing his eyes. What he found stopped him in his tracks. Brian stood at the stovetop barefooted with Stephen on his hip. He was letting the baby hold the handle of the spoon and stir whatever he was cooking. Looking over he smiled.


“Look Sunny Boy, Daddy’s finally up.” Stephen turned immediately letting the spoon drop into the pot lunging to get to his Father. Justin rushed up knowing how hard he was to hold when he went into one of these enthusiastic fits.


He kissed his son lovingly on his forehead and brought him into a hug. He rubbed the spot where the knot had been and discovered it completely gone. It amazed him how quickly baby’s healed. “I need to give you some medicine for that little ear.”


“Already done, I picked him up around 7:30 and ran by your mom’s to give it to him. I just brought the bottle with me. I didn’t know when you would be waking up. I was going to leave him with her but you’re right she looks really exhausted.” He smiled.


“Thanks.” He leaned up and kissed Brian on the cheek. Brian accepted it in the manner it was given and rubbed Stephen’s back affectionately. “I feel so much better.” Justin announced.


“Hungry?” Justin looked over into the pot.


“What is it?”


“Jambalaya, a friend of mine used to make it.” They both smiled at the memory.


“It smells good.” Justin said reaching over and with Stephen on his hip got down two bowls.


“You don’t think Stephen will eat it?” Brian asked.


“Oh he’d eat it but you’d have to change the diapers not me.” He laughed. It sounded really good to Brian’s ears. It was a real laugh not forced in any way. He smiled to himself. Maybe he would be the friend that Justin needed during this time after all.


“I have some bananas and I can make some oatmeal.” Brian offered.


“Perfect.” Justin got down another couple of bowls and braced Stephen on the counter as he began cutting bits of banana into small pieces. Every other piece Stephen would steal a bite. “I think he’s hungry.” Justin said rubbing noses with his son. Stephen reached for him with banana hands but Justin was ready and avoided the sticky mess easily.


“Hey you’re good.” Brian observed. Justin looked over realizing Brian meant what he had said and wasn’t being sarcastic or making fun of him. He felt a wave of pride at the other man’s kind words.


“Thanks.” He returned to his chopping.


********************************************


Brian was watching as Justin coaxed the last bite of oatmeal into his very sleepy boy. Stephen was obviously ready for a bath and bed.


“No mo.” Stephen tightened his lips and turned his head.


“No more?” Justin asked sweetly. The baby shook his head. His eye lids appeared to weigh a ton as he continued to try to keep his baby blues open. “Ok. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Justin stood and took him into his arms. “Do you mind if I take a quick shower with him?” He asked.


“I’d rather you eat.” Brian replied. Justin looked down at his forgotten bowl of food.


“Sorry I’m not really hungry.” Brian nodded and gestured in the direction of the bathroom. Moments later he heard the water running and busied himself cleaning up the kitchen to keep from thinking about Justin being naked in his shower. They had made a lot of memories in that shower. He hoped in time they would make a few more, but for now he would wait. That wasn’t what Justin needed right now. He needed a safe friend and that was what Brian was determined to be.


He had just finished removing the last of the oatmeal from the table when he heard the water cut off. Justin appeared at the top of the steps with a towel around his waist. Stephen was perched on his hip wrapped in an identical towel.


“Do you remember where his bag is?” Justin asked scanning the room. Brian rose and picked it up from where he had left it by the door. He crossed the room willing himself to be contented just smiling at Stephen and not focusing on Justin’s body.


“Thanks. “ Justin smiled heading back into the bedroom.


Brian started the dishwasher then put the dish towels in the laundry bin for the cleaning lady. He then made his way into the bedroom. He hoped that he had given Justin time to get dressed. What he saw when he entered caused him to freeze. He didn’t want to interrupt the scene playing out before his eyes.


Justin was holding Stephen softly singing to him as the baby lay in the first stages of sleep in his Father’s arms. Justin glanced up at Brian. He smiled then returned to adoring his son. Lindsay was right. This wasn’t his Justin. His Justin had been younger, less responsibility, less sad, less of a man and more of a boy trying to be a man. Justin had grown in ways that Brian wondered if he would ever truly understand. He hoped so. He wished the man could look at him once more with such open adoration. Something told Brian that those days were long gone and that maybe just maybe that was a good thing.


“He’s asleep.” Justin whispered. He kissed the baby’s head and shifted down so that he could roll him onto Brian’s bed. He had put his shirt and pants back on. He pulled pillows around the baby’s body to keep him for rolling off. Sighing he rubbed his neck and crossed to where Brian was still standing.


“He is wonderful,l Justin.” Brian whispered as he came close. “You both are. You are such a good Father. He is a lucky boy.” He placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder causing the younger man to look back at his son for a moment.


“Yeah he is a great kid. I love him so much it hurts.” They moved into the living room and sat down. “Thanks for dinner.”


“Why? You didn’t eat any of it.” Brian was still concerned.


“I know. I’m just not hungry since—“


“S’ok.” Brian put up his hands. He wasn’t going to be like all the other’s who were riding Justin’s ass telling him what he needed to do. Unlike the others he would pick his battles carefully. After seeing the state Justin was in Brian decided that the time had come to let Justin know what he thought of the younger man returning to New York so soon. Justin watched as Brian sat lost in thought. He could tell Brian was debating something.


“What is it?” He asked warily. Brian hesitated for a moment which heightened Justin’s anxiety.


“Justin,” He began moving to the edge of the couch his elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped between his knees, “I’m not going to tell you what to do ok?” His words were so much like the ones he had used three years ago Justin felt a renewed wave of disappointment come for somewhere. He nodded.


“I will give you my opinion as your friend.” Justin nodded once more and raised his eyebrows encouraging the man to continue. “ I don’t think you are ready to go back to New York. I think you need a few more days to get your feet under you before you try to start handling life again. It hasn’t even been a week yet.”


“You think a few more days will really make any difference?” He asked.


“With the pain? No. But with your physical and emotional stability, yes.” Brian held his eyes. Justin considered what he was saying.


“I’ll be alright. I can do this.” He said his voice sounding less than confident.


“I’m sure you can but why? Why make it harder for yourself? You said earlier that you didn’t even know why you were going back at all.” Brian moved to sit next to him. He took his hand in his. He felt the other man lean against him for support.


“I feel weak if I stay.” His voice was barely above a whisper.


“Why?” He asked.


“Because you wouldn’t. You would go back. You wouldn’t need all of this.” He gestured to Brian and his apartment and his shoulder that he was leaning on.


“Justin you’re right and you’re wrong. I would go back right away but I would need all of this. I would just be too proud and thick to accept it.” He jabbed into the other man’s side in jess.


“I guess I could take a few more days. I just don’t want my mom giving me advice about everything. She is always wrong when it comes to my life. I don’t know when she will finally just realize that.” He shook his head relaxing further into Brian’s body. “Is this ok?” He asked.


“Of course it is. That’s why I’m here.” He wrapped his arm around Justin’s shoulder and held him.


“I guess I should get back to my mom’s. Stephen will be out for the night.” He started to rise but Brian held him in place.


“I still have that crib in my storage closet from when Gus was his age. We could set it up and then you could stay here.” He offered. Justin leaned away his brow furrowed slightly. Brian raised his hands in surrender. “No funny business just sleep I promise.” Justin relaxed. It would be nice to lie in bed and just talk for a change.


“Ok. Let me call my Mom so she knows the deal and doesn’t call out the cops. Wanna hear her patented Brian warnings?” He joked making his way over to the phone. “I haven’t heard them for awhile. This should be fun.” Justin said wearily.


“I’ll pass. I’m going to grab the crib. It isn’t hard to set up. I just hope I remember how.” He was out the door and was unlocking the storage closet when Jennifer answered.


“Mom.” Justin began.


“Hey sweetie. How are you feeling? Brian said you were getting some sleep.”


“Yeah I slept for hours. I think Stephen and I are just going to stay here for the night. Brian has a crib from when Gus was little and Stephen is already out for the night.”


“Justin.” He could hear it coming from a mile away. He had allowed her to interfere too much the first time Brian had been in his life. He refused to let her undermine him again.


“Mom. Don’t say it. Don’t even think it. Are we clear?” There was silence on the other end of the line.


“I’m just worried—“


“Big shock.” He interrupted sarcastically.


“Justin.”


“I’m sorry that was rude, but Mom I am so tired of this argument. I am staying here and Stephen is with me. I wasn’t calling for permission just out of courtesy so you wouldn’t worry.”


“Ok dear just call if you need me.” Justin felt a wave of guilt. He loved his mother he just wished she would love him more and give him advice less.


“I will and thanks mom. I love you and oh I’m not going back tomorrow.” He knew she would be relieved.


“Goodnight Justin and thank Brian for taking care of you guys and letting me get some rest.” Justin smiled.


“I will.” He hung up.


Looking over he hadn’t noticed Brian coming back in. He had the crib put together and was already placing a sheet on the tiny mattress.


“Hey you work fast. Ever thought of getting an assembly job at the Big Q? I bet Mikey would put in a recommendation for ya.” Brian shot him the finger continuing with his task. They both moved the crib to the foot of the steps.


Once they checked it out and deemed it sturdy enough Justin retrieved his son from Brian’s bed and laid him down in the crib. Brian gently covered him with a blanket. They both stood watching him sleep for a moment. “He’s a sound sleeper.” Brian observed.


“That’s a Gold quality not Taylor.” Justin whispered, the lump in his throat threatening to choke him again. Brian tightened his grip on the other man’s shoulder.


“It’s going to be ok Justin.” Justin nodded. There were moments now when he almost believed it. They were few and far between but at least they existed. They gave him a reason to hope.


“I’m exhausted.” Justin announced making his way to the bed. He pulled off his clothes all except his briefs and climbed under the covers. Brian mimicked his move. Justin laughed as he watched Brian climb under the duvet.


“What’s so funny?” Brian asked a bit defensively.


“You never sleep in underwear.” Justin smiled. “It’s ok Brian I know I’m safe. You can get comfortable. I’ve seen your dick. I’ve touched it too. It won’t freak me out ok?” Brian smiled and pulled off his underwear.


They lay there side by side staring at the ceiling.


“This is a first.” Brian stated deadpan and they both laughed until they were afraid they would wake Stephen.


“Not for me. I’ve seen the ceiling plenty of times.” Justin quipped. This too made them both laugh. If felt so good to laugh but just as suddenly as he had realized it, Justin felt another wave of guilt wash over him. How could he lie here in Brian Kinney’s bed less than a week after Ethan’s death and laugh?


Brian sensed that something had changed and reached for the man. He pulled Justin closer to him.


“What?” He asked and then waited patiently. He knew Justin would tell him if and when he was able.


“Ethan’s dead and here I am in your bed. The bed he worried the most about me falling back into and well here I am.” He swallowed his tears but knew that the emotion was heavy in his voice.


“Justin, we are just resting. It’s not like we’re fucking or anything.” He lifted Justin’s head and rested it on his shoulder. Justin’s arm naturally rested across his waist. They lay like that for a long while. Brian could almost feel Justin’s mind reeling with thoughts.


“Earlier you were talking about your relationship with Ethan and about us. You never finished what you were saying.” Brian’s voice was soft. He felt Justin relax further against his chest. He thought he had fallen asleep but then he heard him speak. His voice hushed and hoarse causing Brian to strain a bit in order to hear it.


“I loved Ethan Brian, but it wasn’t…..it was never….” He stopped again struggling against something Brian couldn’t see or understand. “It’s so hard now that he is gone. I feel like I’m betraying him.”


“Why?” Brian asked rubbing his hand gently up and down Justin’s arm.


“Because it’s not right that I held on to what I did. I should have let it go so long ago but I didn’t. Now it’s still here and he’s not and I’m not sure what that means.”


Brian smiled. “Ok Sunshine believe it or not I don’t carry an enigma machine around with me so let’s cut the code ok?” He sounded sarcastic but Justin knew he was just trying to lighten the mood.


“Let’s not talk about it.” He sighed.


“Why?” Brian asked. He wanted to know why he had been a sore spot between the two men even after three years. Justin had admitted that they had moved all the way to New York so that Ethan could be sure that Justin wouldn’t come back to him. He wanted to know where he stood.


“Because I don’t know how to say it and I don’t know how you’ll take it even if I do manage to get it out.”


“Justin, please just tell me. I promise not to jump to any conclusions or lecture you. I will just lay here and listen.”


Justin rose up staring intently into the other man’s eyes for a moment. “Promise you won’t get mad? Promise you won’t throw me out or call me stupid because I really don’t think I could take that right now?” His words stung. Had Brian been so calloused to him in the past that Justin believed he was capable of such an act. Swallowing hard he continued to gaze into the clear blue eyes.


“I promise.”


Justin sighed and relaxed back onto his chest. “Well I loved Ethan but it was never like I loved you. It was the difference between a beautiful beach and a breathtaking sunset. The beach is wonderful. It is always there, the sand is always warm beneath your feet, the waves rushing up to the shore then run back out to sea. It is dependable with its tides. You go to the beach everyday because you are comfortable with it. It is satisfying because it’s your beach.


On the other hand if you ever see the perfect sunset you will stand mesmerized by it. It happens in a moment and then just as suddenly it is gone. Once you’ve seen one, you find yourself always looking at the horizon each day hoping to catch a glimpse of it one more time. It is so evocative, so moving, so overpowering and completely unpredictable. It might come along once in a life time, but even from a single encounter it changes you forever.


Now let’s say you are standing on your favorite beach and suddenly you see it. You would no longer care about the waves or the sand because it all pales in comparison to the sunset.” Justin leaned up on his elbow and stared into Brian’s eyes. “ Ethan was my beach but you were my sunset.”


Brian didn’t know what to say. He wanted to make a joke but felt unable to do so. He was moved by what Justin had said. He knew exactly how he felt. Justin was his sunset too. He smiled and placed his hand on the other man’s cheek. Justin leaned into it slightly then lowered his head once more.


“Ethan knew you were my sunset. He always knew. That’s why he had us move to New York.”


“Were you happy there?”


“Not really. Toward the end of our first year together I was really unhappy. Ethan was going places with his music, but I wasn’t having any luck breaking into the art scene. I got a job at a little gallery but even the owner of that place wasn’t interested in my work. There are so many artists and unless you can afford an agent you’re screwed.”


“Did Ethan have an agent?” Brian asked trying to hide his irritation. He knew the answer to that question. Ethan had signed on with the management company who had insisted that Justin stay out of the visible picture.


“Yeah.” Justin sighed. Brian felt sure that that had been the subject of many hard fought battles between the two men over the course of their time together.


“So I told him I was going back to the Pitts to finish my education. He begged me not to go. I can’t tell you how many times that week I picked up the phone to call you.”


“Why?”


“I thought you could make up my mind for me. If you said ‘Come back I love you.’ Then I’d come back. If you said ‘Fuck off’ then I would stay in New York.” Justin laughed. “Sometimes I can be such a stupid fucker. Well anyway Ethan came to the gallery one day while I was working and took me away to this huge baby store near Times Square.” Justin shook his head.


“You knocked him up?” Brian quips in spite of himself.


“Play nice.” Justin bristled.


“Sorry go ahead. I am retracting my claws.” Justin laughed at the thought of Brian admitting he was being catty. He usually only called Emmett, Ted or Justin cats, this was new.


“Yeah well he took me to this baby store. We were standing in the back surrounded by these cribs. He took my hand and asked me if I ever wanted to have a child. Now I have to tell you that Mel, Gus and Lindsay had just been for a visit. You know how much I love Gus so I was definitely melancholy about his leaving. So where was I?” Justin asked.


“You were surrounded by cribs with Ethan asking about—“ Brian droned softly.


“Yeah about having a child. Well I have known since I first saw you with Gus that I wanted one.” Brian found himself touched by that. He remembered that night holding his son looking over at the bright blues eyes of some kid he had just picked up knowing there was something special about the boy in his arms and the boy he was looking at.

Justin’s voice pulled him back.


“So I said yeah I want a child one day. So Ethan told me how his sister wanted to help us have one but there was this limited window of time and how great it would be if it happened before my career took off so that I could be home with it. Well I don’t know I guess I just got so caught up in his enthusiasm not to mention my own fears that if I didn’t do it then I might never have the chance to so I agreed.” Justin smirked remembering that day. After a minute he continued. “Two weeks later I had a date with a cup.”


“They never call you know? After you’ve had them, they never call.” Brian quipped. Justin laughed immediately getting his joke. Brian loved that Justin got his jokes that the other guys sometimes missed.


“Mine never called me either but then again I was thinking of someone else when I was with it so maybe that’s why.” Brian wondered who he had been thinking about. He wanted to ask but feared it was Ethan and really didn’t want to hear that.


As if reading his thoughts Justin admitted. “You. I was thinking about you. I lied to Ethan when he asked me what I thought about in that room.” Brian heard the regret and it made him feel sad that he was in some way the reason for it.


“Sorry.” He wasn’t sure what for but he felt he needed to say it.


Justin sat up and shook his head. “No you have nothing to be sorry for. It was me. I was jacking off into this cup thinking about my ex-boyfriend so that I could have a child with my current boyfriend. Hello? How fucked up is that? But to be honest I think I was thinking of you mainly because you had been in my shoes. I wondered what you had thought about you know that sort of thing and then it led to the memory of you holding Gus and then our first night together and well nine months later…..Stephen. “ Brian could understand that his mind had wandered all over the place in the clinic’s jacking stalls as well..


“What were you thinking?” He asked simply.


“I just told you about that first night when you—“


“No I mean what were you thinking to bring a baby into that situation?” Brian laughed and Justin joined him.


“Oh. Well I guess I was thinking it would give me something to focus on. I could love him or her and maybe not feel like I was missing so much. I don’t know really. Maybe I wasn’t thinking, that sure as hell is what my mom thought. Jeez you should have heard her. She went absolutely nuts when we told her. It was horrible.” He could tell Justin was reliving it.


“So here comes Stephen.” Brian said to keep him on track.


“Right so here comes Stephen except a month before he was born I read in the Times about this huge Advertising Convention at the Convention Center near the gallery where I worked. I went down and bought a day pass and sat there on this stupid bench looking for you.” He stared at the far corner of the room unable to meet Brian’s eyes with his admission. “I never saw you. I just sat there. Got some modeling offers and a couple of invites back to hotel rooms, but not what I was looking for. I don’t even have a clue what I would have said.”


“I almost went. It would have been two years ago right? International Expo?” Justin nodded. “Yeah I almost went and then we had a campaign go to shit and I couldn’t get away.” They both stared at each other for a long moment. Justin broke the moment clearing his throat.


“Then Stephen was born. I remember when they put him in my arms. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I thought that’s it. I can’t think about sunsets anymore I live on a beach.” Justin lifted his eyes and met Brian’s gaze for a moment. He reached out touching the man’s arm lightly then rose from the bed and headed to the kitchen. Brian heard the door to the refrigerator open. He watched as Justin pulled the blanket around Stephen again as he came back into the bedroom. He handed Brian a bottle of water while he opened one for himself. Brian opened his and sat across from him. Justin seemed to be debating something.


“What?” Brian asked.


“I was just wondering why the hell I am telling you all of this?” He took another drink.


“Because I want to know and you want me to know. It’s good when it works like that. I’ll tell you if you start giving me too many facts ok?” Justin nodded.


“I guess it’s just that I have been holding it in for so long. I couldn’t really tell anyone else. You would have been the only one that I would have felt comfortable telling all of this to but I promised Ethan I wouldn’t talk to you.” He looked up apologetically, but Brian shook his head indicating that they weren’t going there.


“Ok so Stephen was born and I was happy. Gosh I just loved him so much. I couldn’t believe it. About six months later we were out and I decided to go by where Ethan was playing with the city orchestra for a benefit. I knew he would be warming up so I asked one of the security guys and they directed me to his room. There I was all domestic with this stroller.” Brian could tell he was leading up to something bad. He watched as Justin bit his bottom lip for a moment his expression turning hard. He looked up meeting Brian’s eyes for a moment before looking away.


“He wasn’t—“ Brian wasn’t able to finish what he feared Justin had interrupted.


“Oh yeah. He was warming up alright. I just stood there in the door with Stephen and watched him blow this guy. I couldn’t speak. I threw up in the men’s room before I left. I just kept thinking ‘not again’. “ He stopped realizing what he had just said. “I’m sorry Brian.”


“Don’t be. I fucked around on you and you fucked around on me. It’s all ancient history right?” He knew he wasn’t hiding the fact that what Justin had said had hurt him, but he was trying. Justin refused to be placated.


“Don’t do that. Ok? Just accept that I’m sorry I just hurt you.” Brian furrowed his brow. Justin had grown up. He would have gladly accepted Brian’s attempt to push it all away before so that he wouldn’t be reminded of his own betrayals, but now he wasn’t having any of it. Brian nodded.


“Ok.”


“So I went home and started throwing shit in a suitcase ready to come home. Then I heard Ethan come in and he tried to kiss me.” Justin’s disgust was evident by his tone.


“What did you say?” He asked remembering the smell of Ethan on Justin’s lips three years before.


“I said if I had wanted to taste his fuck buddy, I’d have blown him myself.” Brian laughed. He knew that the incident had hurt Justin but that was a super dig.


“That’s perfect Sunshine. I love it.” Justin gave a mock bow. Brian could tell the pain was too close to find anything about it amusing. “But you didn’t leave.” He stated the obvious.


“No. He said that Rachel hadn’t signed the parental rights documents and that if I left I had to leave Stephen. End of story because I knew I couldn’t leave my son. I unpacked but we didn’t have sex for weeks. I thought I would lose my mind. Well I say we, who the fuck knows if he was having it or not. He did try a lot harder though. I told him I would stay but I wanted those documents from Rachel and another set I had Melanie draw up for me signed as well that prevented her from ever challenging my rights in court even in the unlikely event that Ethan and I were no longer together.”


“Smart kid.”


“1500 on my SAT”


“And fucked all night before you took the test.” Justin wiggled his eyebrows at that comment knowing that they both remembered who and how he had been fucked that night.


“So she signed and you stayed.”


“Right. Things got better. Stephen was so great and Ethan really started paying more attention to him. He started making more money so we got to travel with him some and that was exciting. We started feeling like a family. It felt good.” His voice broke. “Now it’s gone.” Brian reached for him he held him close. “I’m such a shit to talk about him like this when he isn’t here to defend himself.” He mumbled into Brian’s shoulder. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him or that I didn’t love him.”


“I know Justin. I know you loved him. I know you miss him. I’m sure you think of him every moment of every day and it will be like that for a long time. It sucks, but you do have Stephen and even without Ethan you are still a part of a family.” Justin pulled back trying to get his breathing back under control.


“I shouldn’t be here. He said that if anything ever happened to him I’d be back in your bed in no time and here I am.” He shook his head pushing further away from Brian. He stood up and began looking for his clothes. Brian caught his arm.


“Why? Why shouldn’t you be here? Because he said so? Well I didn’t know him well but from what I heard he considered himself some sort of genius right?” Justin just nodded. “Well then maybe it just delights the shit out of him to know he was right.”


Justin stared at him for a moment. His logic was funny but flawed. He was struck at that moment by Brian’s lean dark beauty. He had missed him so much. He was here again but the price had been too high. How could he feel good about being here when it had been Ethan’s death that had brought it to pass? He smiled as he thought about how Ethan had always bragged about being a genius. He found himself remembering the sight of the portrait at the service.


“Yeah so he was right. So here I am in your bed two days after his funeral.” He sounded so broken. “Partner of the Year goes to Justin “Grieve Ya Till Your in the Ground” Taylor” He announced sarcastically.


“First of all quit being so cruel to yourself, that’s my job; secondly they don’t give partner of the year awards and if they did they would all go to the lesbians and finally you are grieving Justin and probably still in shock. Don’t fool yourself into believing you’ve felt it yet because I don’t really think you have.” Brian rose and moved to Justin’s side.


“I feel like a shit.” Brian pulled him into an embrace.


“You feel like Justin to me.” He murmured against his hair.


“Brian?” Justin asked apprehensively.


“Don’t worry Sunshine I promised no funny business. I just want to hold you. I’ve miss you.” He felt his voice catch on the word and felt Justin pull back a bit to look at his face.


“What would you have said if I had called you?” He asked.


“When?” Brian asked playing dumb.


“You know when. Would you have said that you wanted me to come back or to fuck off?” Brian was quiet for a moment.


“It would have depended on the day you called. During that first year I was pretty mixed up. The second year I would have told you to fuck off.” He was being honest. It might not have been what Justin needed to hear but he had never lied to the man and he wasn’t going to start now.


“What about the third year?” Justin asked pulling him back to the bed to sit next to him. Brian gently laid his hand along Justin’s jaw a small smile curling his lips.


“I would have hopped on a plane, flown to your side, helped you pack and carried you back over my shoulder.” Justin smiled. “You’re my sunset.” Brian hesitated for a moment then leaned into the smaller man. He wanted to kiss him and hoped that Justin wouldn’t pull away. He looked into his eyes seeking permission. He saw it as Justin leaned in as well. Just as their lips were about to meet Stephen cried out causing Justin to immediately pull away and make his way over to the crib.


When he returned he had Stephen in his arms. “His diaper leaked. The sheet is wet, so are his jammies. Looks like we have another bedmate.” Brian smiled walking over to his dresser to pull out a t-shirt. He came over to the bed where Justin had just finished changing the soaked diaper. Carefully Brian dressed the boy in his t-shirt. Stephen was already drifting off. He pulled back the duvet for Justin. He settled in spooning Stephen with his body. Brian slipped his briefs back on then slid in behind him. He pulled Justin back against his chest bringing Stephen with him. Justin intertwined his fingers with Brian’s as he had that morning.


Brian felt Justin relax and drift into a deep sleep. Brian found himself unable to sleep right away. He wanted to enjoy the sensation of Justin’s body against his own. He had missed this more than he had even known. He loved him. Now Justin knew it. He had confessed that Justin was his sunset too. It would take time for Justin’s heart to heal, but he felt certain that it would. He smiled against his friend’s neck taking in the smell of his skin and hair. He had missed so much about having Justin in his life. He hoped he would be able to keep him this time. He fell asleep listening to the soft snoring of his favorite blondes.
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