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Endings and Beginnings - Book 3
Chapter 4
Justin closed his eyes the second before the elevator doors blocked out the view of Brian and the other man. He’d known what was coming the moment Brian reached for the tall blonde. Justin remembered receiving a similar lesson five years ago. It had been the night Brian had brought home the southern fried fuck during their first few tentative days in the loft together. Mr. Hotlanta had blown Brian right in front of Justin. Brian’s hazel eyes never looked away making certain to drive the point home. The message had been clear. You’re nothing special. We’re nothing to each other.
Justin felt gutted as he leaned back in the elevator trusting the wall to support him. He felt the weight of Stephen in his arms like a faraway reminder that he needed to continue breathing. He’d thought things between them were different this time and yet Brian had left their bed in the middle of the night and sought out another body. Why could Justin ever be enough for the older man?
The doors opened onto his floor startling the man. He didn’t even remember pushing the button. Stepping out he realized he was still facing the dilemma of finding a safe reliable person to watch Stephen for the morning. His mind seemed paralyzed by the vision of Brian passionately taking the man only moments before. Justin leaned against the wall for a moment steadying himself.
“Get a grip Taylor.” He whispered aloud.
“Get a gwip.” Stephen echoed not understanding the meaning of the words. He sounded stuffy from his melt down earlier. Justin smiled at his son and forced himself to focus. It wasn’t just his life he was screwing up at the moment it was Stephen’s as well.
Justin remembered that he been heading to his room for a reason when he left the restaurant, but the blonde with the tube of lube seemed to have erased all traces of it from his mind. Justin shuddered involuntarily. He would not go back to that life. He would not go back to being Brian’s little convenient fuck buddy. He had to have more. He’d thought that he had made that clear but now it was obvious that he hadn’t.
“Bwi?” Stephen asked distracting his father from his thoughts. Justin looked over at this son. Stephen was pointing back to the elevator asking for Brian again.
“No Stephen. Brian’s busy.” He forced his voice to stay calm and took a deep breath releasing the tension from his body.
“Gus?” He pointed again this time sounding more defiant. Justin merely shook his head and realized that Stephen was dangerously close to breaking down again.
“Bwi?” He asked again. Justin pressed his forehead to his son’s and softly shushed him.
“Justin?” Max’s voice caused Justin to turn his attention away from his son for the moment.
“Max.” Justin swallowed. Max moved quickly to his side.
“Are you okay? You look exhausted.” His brow was furrowed in concern. “What’s happened? Something’s happened.” He instinctively wrapped his arm around the smaller man’s waist and pulled him against his body. Justin pulled away immediately refusing to take that sort of support from his employer.
“I just never went back to sleep last night. I’m tired that’s all.” Justin admitted knowing that in all honesty that was only a part of his problem. The other half was probably still using his tongue to examine the blonde in the lobby.
“I’m so sorry. I’d been drinking and I just wanted to settle things before I called it a night. It was selfish of me. I should have considered you in my decision.” Justin listened amazed at the contrast between the way Max and Brian treated him.
“It’s okay but I am glad I ran into you. I’m in a bit of a jam.” Justin glanced at his watch. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed.
“My plans for Stephen for the morning fell through and I have that seminar.” He winced feeling totally unprofessional as he continued. “I don’t suppose you would be willing to attend in my place.” He asked. Max smiled.
“I have a better idea. I think you should go and I should take Stephen. We could hit a toy store or two in the underground.” He reached for the baby and Stephen reached back. “Maybe we can find something new that he might like.” Justin considered his offer. He’d watched Max a few times with Stephen at the day care. He was good with the boy and Stephen seemed happy. Justin knew that Max had nephews close to Stephen’s age and spent time with them as well.
“Okay.” Justin relented. “I’ll get his bag.” He headed in the direction of their room. Stepping over Brian’s clothes from the previous night which were uncharacteristically scattered all over the floor, Justin retrieved the bag, made certain everything was there, and headed back out into the hall.
“Is that everything?” Max asked. Justin nodded.
“You’ll call—“ Justin’s voice betrayed his concern.
“It’s three hours Justin. We’ll be fine. I know where to find you if we have any problems. Just go. I think maybe you need some time on your own.” Max offered. Justin felt relieved that the man wasn’t asking about Brian. He didn’t think he could handle making any excuses at the moment.
“Be good.” Justin leaned up and kissed Stephen’s cheek. “I’ll meet you back at your room?” Justin asked.
“Check the front desk first just in case we are still out and about at noon. When you’re done we can grab some lunch.” Max stated. Justin nodded in agreement.
“My treat, I owe you after all.” Justin smiled but Max could see the pain it was masking. He cursed Kinney in his heart. Justin must have found out about the handsome concierge. Max watched as Justin gave he and Stephen one last look before disappearing into the elevator.
“You ready to go?” Max asked the mini version of Justin in his arms.
“Go.” Stephen bounced happily pointing at the elevator. Max laughed at the child’s enthusiasm. He wondered if this was how it would be once he and Justin were together. They would be a family. It was something that Max had always wanted. He headed out hoping that this was the first day of their lives together.
*********************************
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Michael’s wail turned Brian’s focus from the elevator doors back toward the restaurant.
“That was even hotter than last night. What are you doing later?” Lee purred against the lean hard body he’d worshiped all night. Brian pushed him away abruptly and headed back to where Michael stood, arms locked across his chest, his expression hard and angry.
“He needed a reminder.” Brian hissed as he rushed past his friend. Michael’s hand shot out catching Brian’s arm and holding him in place.
“A reminder of what? What an asshole you are?” He shot.
“A reminder that we aren’t ever going to be what he wants us to be.” Brian jerked his arm free of his friend’s grip. “I’m never going to be what he wants.”
“What is it he wants you to be?” Michael furrowed his brow.
“Some happy little couple like you and the professor. Dickless fags who set up house and play at marriage.” Michael watched as Brian coolly headed back to the table and his son.
“Did you catch him Dad?” Gus asked sipping the last of his orange juice.
“Yep.” Brian answered him honestly. “You done?” He quipped. Michael returned to his seat across from Gus.
“Uh huh.” Gus replied. “I’m going with Uncle Mike.” Dark familiar hazel eyes sought out Michael’s for a moment. Michael wasn’t sure how to answer the boy so he looked up to Brian wondering if Gus really was going with him or not.
“You’re with me today Sonny Boy.” Brian reached down and grabbed up a napkin to clean the remains of breakfast off of his son’s mouth.
“What about Stephen?” Gus asked pressing his father. Brian wished he knew what Justin was going to do with Stephen. He glanced at Michael who shook his head in response. He’d already leveled with Justin and admitted that Stephen was out of his depth. Brian sighed then reached for Gus’ hand.
“I don’t know about Stephen. I guess he’s with his dad.” Brian admitted.
“Why aren’t we with them?” Gus asked then after an extended moment of silence reasoned. “Cuz you guys are fighting?”
“Gus I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Brian halted the conversation. The last thing he wanted to discuss with his five year old was the quarrel he’d just had with his lover. Brian found himself marveling over the ease at which he had mentally used the word ‘lover’. Brian glanced up once they reached the entrance of the restaurant and caught a glimpse of Justin as he rushed out of the hotel. Looking down at his watch he realized that Justin was already late for his seminar. Stephen wasn’t with him.
“Where’s Stephen?” Gus asked. Brian realized Gus too had spotted the fleeing blonde. At that moment the second elevator opened and Brian felt his blood run cold at the sight of Max Collins stepping out of the car carrying Stephen in his arms. He was talking to the baby and Brian felt his gut twist at how easily Stephen seemed to take to the man.
“Come on Gus. I need to talk to that man.” Brian walked forward still holding his son’s hand.
“Brian.” Max greeted the same smug look on his face as before.
“Max, I’ll take Stephen. Justin and I just missed each other.” He lied. Max laughed softly.
“Brian, “ Max condescended as he glanced down momentarily at Gus. It was during that window of distraction that Stephen attempted to launch himself into Brian’s arms. Max struggled for a moment to regain his balance and hold on the struggling toddler before he continued. “Let’s not do this here. Justin asked me to watch his son and I have every intention of keeping my promise.” Max continued to enjoy Brian’s situation.
“Brian?” Lee was back. Brian rolled his eyes. He could hear Max’s laughter as the man moved away toward the stairs that led to the underground.
“You have a nice day Brian.” Max laughed louder. Brian cast a glance in his direction and found Stephen’s eyes locked with his. He looked confused and betrayed. Those eyes burned into him. He’d let the little boy down. Brian sighed as he reached for the closest rationalization. He was after all Brian Kinney, no one should be surprised to learn that he’d fucked up again. As he continued to gaze at Stephen he realized that someone had been surprised.
“Brian?” Lee persisted.
“I’m with my son.” Brian warned turning back to confront the man. Lee looked down and then back up at Brian.
“Your son?” He smirked. “I don’t understand.”
“Gus, stand over there.” Brian pointed to a bench not far away and still within view. Gus obeyed keeping his eyes on his father. Once the little boy was out of ear shot Brian turned on the confused blonde. “Look I don’t do repeats so fuck off.” He leveled the man with a cold glare.
“Who was that blond?” Lee asked defensively.
“None of your fucking business.” Brian spat. “Now leave me the fuck alone.” Brian stalked away.
“You’re an asshole!” Lee hissed.
“You have an amazing grasp on the obvious.” Brian quipped as he reached for his son’s hand and headed down into the underground determined to keep his promise to watch Stephen even if he had to do it from a distance.
***************************
Michael waited impatiently leaning against the wall of the corridor. He was bored out of his mind. He had already exhausted all the brochures and posters lying around the entrance to the meeting room. He wanted to go find a coke machine but knew that the moment he wandered out of sight that the seminar would adjourn and he’d miss Justin.
He glanced at his watch and realized he had ten minutes to find a machine and get back if the speaker kept them the entire time. He felt in his pocket for change and knew he had enough. He hadn’t gone ten steps when he heard the door swing open and the roar of voices erupt from the once silent room. Sighing at his luck he headed back and began searching faces. He’d started to think that he had missed the man as the stream of people thinned to a trickle.
It was then that he recognized the familiar blonde hair.
“Justin.” He called and watched as Justin looked up with familiar sad eyes. He nodded and moved out of the line of traffic. Michael moved to intercept him.
“Stay out of this Michael.” Justin warned before the man could even open his mouth. Michael immediately felt defensive.
“Just hear me out.” He warned. Justin sighed wearily.
“Look I know you’re his BEST friend and as such it’s your job to try to justify his being an asshole but I’m really not up for it today, Michael. I really don’t need this shit from you.” He started to move away.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Michael challenged. Justin stopped and turned back more amused than anything else.
“Excuse me?” Justin smirked.
“You come into his life turn it upside down then leave.” Michael yelled.
“I’m still here.” Justin defended.
“I’m talking about three years ago Asshole.” Michael spat. “Now you come back and do the exact same shit again? Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m the person you wish you were.” Justin exclaimed. “Don’t take your petty jealousies out on me Michael. This has fuck all to do with you.”
“It has everything to do with me. I’m—“
“I KNOW HIS BEST FRIEND.” Justin exclaimed not caring about the looks the two men were getting at the moment from the other conventioneers.
“Yes. I am, but that isn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say that I’m the one that was still there after you left and I’ll still be there after your gone this time. I’ll be the one who gets to watch him try to kill himself every night with drugs, sex and alcohol. I’ll be the one to watch him drive himself to exhaustion at work and withdraw from his family. I’ll be the one to watch him doubt every thing he ever said or did with you. I’ll be the one because you will be gone AGAIN.” Justin wasn’t sure how to respond so instead he relented.
“What do you want from me Michael?” Justin lowered his voice feeling thrown a bit by Michael revelations.
“Accept him or don’t, but quit judging him and quit trying to change him. I’ve said it a hundred times to you. He’s never going to change. So take him as is or get the fuck out of his life.” Michael demanded.
“He has changed.” Justin announced.
“Yes, you’re right. He’d not the unfeeling asshole he once was.” Michael smiled slightly hoping to lighten the mood a bit.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Justin began causing Michael to pause. “He was never an unfeeling asshole. He feels everything that’s why he acts like he does. He doesn’t want to feel anything, so he tries to turn it off. He’s self destructive. Can’t you see that? He tries to hurt himself first before anyone else can. This was a preemptive strike.”
“It’s how he deals with things, so just let him.” Michael demanded.
“No, Michael. I won’t. I won’t let him stay the fourteen year old that you seem to want him to be. I won’t let him fuck this up, not this time. I gave up too easily the first time around. I let him push me away. I let him tell me how it was going to be.” Justin moved away.
“If you hurt him again—“ Michael warned.
“What? What Michael? What are you going to do?” Justin asked. When the man refused to answer the blonde turned and headed back to the hotel.
“I guess I’ll just pick up the pieces just like I did before.” Michael muttered bitterly desperately wishing he had gone to get a coke after all.
*******************
Max called the hotel and left a message for Justin. He and Stephen had visited several stores and were now in the middle of a huge brio railroad display in one of the toy stores. He had no idea how he was going to get the boy to peacefully leave. The little blonde was totally immersed in the trains. He had tried twice to leave only to have Stephen balk, breaking down into tears and wailing at the top of his lungs.
Brian had watched from a distance thoroughly enjoying the other man’s predicament. He’d never seen Stephen act this way and was sure that the boy knew that he was dealing with a rookie. It was nice to know that the little blonde had inherited his father’s intuition. It was obvious that Stephen was on to Max and Max, though appearing to be a reliable babysitter, was actually being held prisoner by a two year old.
Gus finished his ice cream and then zoomed in on the toy store with the extraordinary toy detection radar most five year olds seem to possess. He immediately headed for the door, his father’s hand still securely held in his smaller one. Brian allowed his son to lead the way. He enjoyed the way Max cringed at the sight of the approaching Kinney men .
“Stephen!” Gus greeted heading over to his little friend. They both loved trains. Stephen offered him the red one and they fell into their familiar play.
“Max.” Brian walked slowly over to the exhausted looking man. “Have a nice morning?” He asked taking in the stain on the man’s shirt and the new bend in his glasses.
“Very nice, thank you for asking.” Max curtly replied. Brian glanced over and met Stephen’s eyes. He could have sworn there was a mischievous glint there. If he didn’t know better he would have sworn that Mini Me had rumpled his nice babysitter on purpose. Brian had always loved Stephen but now he respected him as well. He gave Stephen a smile as well as a slight bow, a sign of respect to the godfather.
“So how did you know?” Brian asked surprising himself as much as Max.
“Know?” Max chose to buy some time by playing innocent.
“Don’t play dumb, or maybe you’re not playing.” Brian replied tongue in cheek. “About--.” He stumbled not recalling the man’s name.
“Lee?” Max offered. Brian nodded apathetically. “I saw you.” Max smiled. “I was in the bar. I saw all of it.” Brian merely nodded never taking his eyes off of the two boys.
“Well not all of it.” Brian sarcastically added. “You know it’s none of your business.”
“Justin is my business.” Max replied coolly. “And something tells me that after your latest screw up he’ll be more my business than yours now.”
“You think so?” Brian replied. He couldn’t help but wonder if the man was right in his assumption.
“I know so. I saw his face this morning when he brought Stephen to me. He was devastated by something or someone.” Max jabbed. Brian forced his face to remain blank. He would not give Max Collins the satisfaction of knowing that his words were affecting him.
“Hey.” Justin’s voice startled both men.
“Daddy.” Stephen ended the awkward moment as Justin moved to retrieve his son. Stephen immediately went to his father without the slightest protest. Brian noted the look of defeat and frustration on Max’s face. He chuckled softly in response.
“Outsmarted by a two year old. Ouch.” Brian murmured just loud enough for Max to hear.
“Thanks for watching him.” Justin address Max. He’d already greeted Gus and at the moment had nothing to say to Brian. “I owe you lunch.”
“Great, but first I need to freshen up.” Max replied. Justin noted the man’s appearance with confusion.
“What happened?” Justin asked. Max gazed at Stephen then at Justin raising his eyebrows expectantly. Justin was surprised and alarmed.
“Stephen did you do that to him?” He asked. Stephen first smiled triumphantly but then noticed that his father’s reaction didn’t seem to mirror Brian’s so he quickly changed strategies. Looking very repentant he stuck out his bottom lip and nodded. “You tell Max that you are sorry.” Justin demanded firmly.
“Torry.” Stephen mutter then buried his head on his father’s shoulder. Brian silently promised the little boy that once they were both out of the dog house he would buy Stephen all the ice cream the blonde could eat.
“I’ll just head back to the hotel. You want to come with me? It won’t take but a moment.” Max beamed now as he moved up along side Justin wrapping his arm around Justin’s waist. Brian watched as Justin subtly moved out of the man’s grip. He met the blonde’s blue eyes for a brief moment as Justin maneuvered in front of Max.
“I’ll just meet you in the lobby. I need to talk to Brian for a moment.” Justin replied giving nothing away. Brian noticed Max’s hesitation. “We’re right behind you.” Justin smiled reassuringly then dismissed the other man politely by turning his attention back to Brian.
Max moved past the two men and continued on cursing softly under his breath.
“You want to talk? You didn’t even say hello.” Brian deadpanned.
“Let’s get something straight Brian. I am not the same kid that stood in your kitchen five years ago watching while you made your point. I don’t need any ‘in my face’ lessons about who you are and what you do. Pain management, lifestyle choice, whatever you want to call it, you have to choose.” Justin demanded.
Brian looked around at their surroundings finding it almost amusing that they were confronting this topic in a toy store. He rolled his lips into his mouth considering his response. It was important that he somehow once and for all get this through to the blonde.
“Understand Justin that fucking is fucking and when I’m with other men it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t feel anything when I’m with them.” Even though he kept his voice hushed Brian still glanced at Gus relieved that he was engrossed with a Lego set. Picking up on his clue Justin quickly moved Stephen back to the train area and Gus followed. The two men moved far enough away so that they could speak without the children hearing them.
“Where were we?” Justin asked. Brian really didn’t want to remind him but knew it was pointless to try to avoid the inevitable.
“I was telling you that I don’t feel anything when I am with other men.” Brian rambled without emotion.
“Right.” Justin centered himself before continuing. “But I do Brian. I always have. I feel something when you’re with other men. It hurts. I feel jealous and insecure and pissed off. It doesn’t turn me on. It just reminds me that you’re a thoughtless asshole.” He ground out. Brian furrowed his brow startled by the level of Justin’s emotion.
”Justin we’re queer.” Brian declared a little louder than he had meant to.
“Wow glad you cleared that up for me. Guess that explained why I have dick up my ass half the time.” Justin declared.
“Most of the time.” Brian clarified. Justin let it pass. Brian struggled to regain his momentum in the argument.
“Justin, there is no reason for you to be jealous? They are just fucks.”
“So was I.” Justin reminded him softly.
“Justin—“
“No Brian, you left our bed last night. You left ME to go to him. How do you expect me to feel?” Justin eyes were pleading as they searched Brian’s for some glimmer that the man understood.
“You said you didn’t want anything serious, but here you are dictating like some fucking housewife.” Brian launched knowing the best defense was an offense. Justin stiffened in anger.
“I’m not some fucking housewife.” He defended. “I’m just telling you how I feel but if you don’t want to know then I guess I’m wasting my time.” Justin moved passed the man. Brian caught his arm and spun him around.
“That’s so like you. You don’t hear what you want so you walk away.” Justin felt the dig but refused to give into it.
“I didn’t walk away, you pushed me.” He pulled his arm free. “You want to be fuck buddies? Is that what we are?” Brian wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I’m just some piece of blonde boy ass?” Brian recognized his own words and regretted them now as much as he had then. He felt the past coming up to swallow him. He knew he was getting in too deep. “Is that what you want me to be Brian, you’re piece of blonde boy ass again?”
“Let’s talk about this later.” Brian offered. He couldn’t do this now.
“No, I want you to answer me?” Justin demanded. Brian bristled. Justin always pushed too hard.
“I’m not going to stop being who I am. Stop watching the fucking Lifetime channel. I’m not your project. You aren’t some naïve little girl and I’m not the bad boy you are determined to change into the man of your dreams.” Brian spat. “I’m queer and I do what I want, who I want, when I want and how I want.”
“Thanks for clearing that up for me. I guess Michael was right you’re never going to grow up. But I’m already raising one child. I don’t have the time or energy for another one.” Brian was furious as he watched Justin pick up his son, kiss Gus on the head then leave.
***********************
Max was waiting anxiously when Justin arrived. He could tell from the man’s demeanor that things had not gone well.
“Justin?” He questioned but the blonde merely shook him off.
“So where do you want to eat?” Justin swallowed around the lump he had in his throat. He refused to give in to the despair and disappointment he was feeling. He felt like he’d suddenly traveled back three years. The pain was so tangible it was as if he could reach out and touch it. He couldn’t believe he had been so wrong about Brian.
“Let’s just order in some sandwiches and eat them up in my room.” Max offered. Justin eyed him warily. The man held up his hands in surrender. “No funny business, I just want you to relax. We can talk if you want.” He ventured. Justin sighed. He knew he did need to talk but didn’t feel right discussing Brian with Max. Still he felt exhausted and Stephen seemed so as well. He nodded.
They headed up and once the food had arrived and Stephen had been fed the little boy quickly gave into sleep, sinking into the mattress of Max’s bed as Justin pulled a towel up over his body.
“He’s adorable.” Max leaned over gently touching one of Stephen’s baby curls. “When he’s sleeping.” He added causing Justin to laugh in spite of his mood. Their eyes met and Max was grateful to see the smile on Justin’s face.
“He put you through your paces eh?” Justin asked as he settled back down in a chair.
“I’d say. You know if I didn’t know better I’d say he did it on purpose.” Max half teased the other man.
“He’s pretty smart. You have to watch out for smart blondes. We’re sneaky.” Justin admitted glancing to his son then up at Max. There was a moment of silence that hung between them.
“So I take it things didn’t go so well when you talked to Brian today?” Max inquired watching Justin as he began nervously playing with the trim stitching on the chair.
“I don’t feel right talking about Brian with you.” He admitted.
“Why? Because I’m attracted to you?” Max offered.
“Yeah that and I don’t know just everything. I know you two hate each other.” Max chuckled softly at that.
“We are very different people, but I don’t hate Kinney, I just don’t like how he treats you.” He admitted their eyes locking for a moment.
“How would you treat me?” Justin asked knowing he was venturing into dangerous waters.
“Like you deserve to be treated. Like a beautiful lover, an intelligent partner, a man who is also a caring Father. I would respect you, adore you, and do my best to keep that smile always in place.” He leaned out over his knees drawing closer to Justin. “I’d love you.”
“Brian loves me.” Justin defended softly. It wasn’t obvious who he was trying to convince at the moment. Max smiled then reached out stopping Justin’s hand from its nervous pursuits.
“Did he tell you that?” He asked.
“Not in so many words but actions –“
“Speak louder than words.” Max finished his thought. Justin looked up realizing that Brian’s actions spoke of a lot of things but last night was not a message of love.
“Justin, why are you wasting your time? Haven’t you been hurt enough?” Max pressed.
“He came here. He brought Stephen.” He defended. “He helped me so much after Ethan died. I would never have made it without him. You don’t understand.”
“He fucked the concierge.” Max huffed angrily. He was growing weary of Justin’s defenses.
“He’s complicated. It doesn’t mean anything to him.” Justin hadn’t been able to accept this line of defense when Brian had offered it but perhaps Max would.
“Do you always defend him?” Max asked curiously. There was something about his words that struck home. Justin knew he had heard them before but he couldn’t remember where. Somehow he believed that he had stated him. He thought back to his conversation with Michael at noon. Had he said them then? Did he always defend Brian?
“I don’t want to talk about this.” Justin withdrew.
“I love you Justin.” Max whispered moving closer. “If you would just give me a chance--” He knelt before the other man and cupped the blonde’s face searching deep into his clear blue eyes.
“Max-“ Justin warned but failed to resist as their lips met. It felt good to be kissed, to stop thinking and just feel. Justin pushed his feeling for Brian aside. He stopped listening to either the desires of his heart or the warnings in his head as he chose instead to let the need to forget overtake him. He was lost as instincts sprang to life, actions and reaction. Letting go of the pain and fear, as he accepted the philosophy of the man he loved: no excuses, no apologies, no regrets.
