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Endings and Beginnings
Chapter 3
The service had been short and there was to be a gathering at Jennifer Taylor’s home following it. Once the family had been escorted out the Diner Gang had sat silently in the chapel waiting for the rest of the crowd to file out. Once the last person had left Gus had finally had enough.
“When can I see Stephen?” He asked his Mother as she packed up his art supplies back into her purse.
“Was that Justin’s son?” Michael asked his voice filled with shock.
“Who’s else could he be? He is the spitting image of Sunshine.” Deb announced. “He is adorable.” She gushed.
“I should have told you all.” Lindsay began her eyes meeting Brian’s. “I just didn’t know how to tell you without it well—“
“upsetting you.” Melanie finished staring at Brian alone.
“Why would that have upset me?” Brian asked as he began making his way out of the pew.
“I don’t know. I just thought that it might.” Lindsay said quickly. She was still very uneasy about talking to him about Justin’s child.
“Gosh, poor baby alone and with a kid to support.” Emmett wiped his eyes. “The service was beautiful.” He walked up the aisle getting a better look at the portrait still resting on the easel.
“I can’t imagine.” Ted said linking his arm with Emmett’s as the stood leaning into each other.
“Yeah me neither.” Ben said sighing as he moved to let Michael out of the pew.
“We should go to Jennifer’s. We won’t stay long just a few minutes. I think Justin needs to know that we are here for him.” Vic started leading Deb down the aisle toward the exit.
They all began heading in that direction each working out who would follow whom over to the Taylor condo. Lindsay kept a close eye on Brian. He was so quiet.
“Brian?” She asked as they crossed the parking lot to his jeep.
“He’s lost so much.” Brian whispered he glanced over at her allowing a tear to find its way down his cheek. “What do I say?” He stopped her as they watched Mel help Gus up into the back seat and work to fix his seat belt.
“Just tell him what you think he needs to hear.” Lindsay said raising her hand to wipe the moisture from his face. “ Tell him what he needs to hear not what you need to say. There will be time for you to tell him what you need to say later. Today is about him.” Brian nodded still unsure but understanding her concern.
Surely she knew he wasn’t stupid enough to throw himself at a grieving man. Surely she knew him better than that. Climbing behind the wheel he knew it would take every ounce of willpower that he had not to tell Justin all that he had wanted to for the last three years, but he had resisted telling him his feelings for the two years that they had been together what was one more day.
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When they arrived at the condo there was a large crowd milling about. It was amazing how many people had come back to the reception. Brian caught himself comparing it to the wake for his father. Maybe he had misjudged the fiddle fuck. Maybe he had been a decent person and not just a little shit who had stolen the love of his life. After all Justin had loved him so he couldn’t be all bad right?
Shaking his head Brian fought off the bitter feelings. He couldn’t believe that he was actually attacking the man mentally after his funeral. He was gone. Time to let sleeping dogs lie.
The group met up outside before moving into the home. Jennifer Taylor met them at the door. She looked tired but perfectly put together. She had that hostess air to her. It was obvious that she was running on auto pilot. Molly came up and took their coats. Gus immediately got down to the business of finding his friend.
“Where’s Stephen?” He asked the young girl. She smiled at Gus. She had a beautiful smile just like her brothers well almost it wasn’t quite as bright but almost.
“He’s with Justin. Here let me take you to him.” The group followed Molly has she took Gus’s hand and led him through the house to the backyard where Justin stood alone swinging his son in a baby swing beneath a huge tree.
“Stephen.” Gus yelled immediately dropping Molly’s hand and racing in the direction of his friend. The little boy turned hearing his name as had Justin. Justin smiled at the little boy and Brian watched as he removed Stephen from the swing and helped him to toddle over to his friend. The boy’s embraced. Gus then turned obviously comfortable with Justin and gave the man a huge hug. Justin returned it and spoke softly to the boy. Gus helped him place Stephen back in the swing and began gently swinging him again.
The little boy beamed back at him each time he gave him a push. Justin watched for a moment as did the rest of the group before he turned and walked towards them. Brian felt his mouth go dry. He had always known that he had never gotten over the man but watching him as he walked towards them, he had a renewed confirmation of that fact. Brian loved him and everything within him wanted to scream that fact.
“Hi.” Justin said softly as he reached the group.
“Oh Sunshine.” Debbie reached out taking him into her arms and holding him for a long moment. “I am so sorry sweetie. I am so sorry.” Justin pulled back and nodded he had obviously heard that a few hundred times in the last couple of days.
“You ok?” Brian asked reaching up to touch the bruise that still marked Justin’s forehead.
Justin raised his hand absently rubbing the blue mark. “Yeah. Just a headache. It should be ok in a week or two they said. “ His eyes surveyed the group his gaze lovingly dwelling momentarily on each face. “You guys really have no idea how much it means to have you here today.” His bottom lip trembled slightly as he worked to regain his composure. Tears filled his eyes but he continued. “I wish I could find a way to tell you. It just really means so much.” There was silence as each member of the gang also struggled to regain their fragile hold on their composure in light of the pain their friend was obviously struggling through.
“So he’s your son?” Ted asked sounding more nervous than Brian felt. Justin smiled and cast a glance in the direction of the two boys.
“Yeah. Stephen he’s 17 months. I don’t know what I’d do without him especially now.” He smiled back but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“The woman who was carrying him?” Emmett began but then realized after he had started the question that is was none of his business.
“Ethan’s sister, Rachel, she carried Stephen for us. She loved Ethan very much.” His voice caught briefly on the mention of the man’s name.
“What can we do Sweetie?” Lindsay asked. “Would it help if Stephen stayed with us? You know Gus would love it.” She moved up and took Justin’s hand waiting for him to meet her gaze.
“I know he would and so would Stephen.” He looked once more at the two boys then shook his head. “I just need him with me right now.” He swallowed hard. “I can’t explain it.” Lindsay nodded and squeezed his hand.
“Just know it is an open offer.” Melanie cupped his cheek taking Lindsay’s hand and moving her out to the boys.
There was a long moment of silence but Justin didn’t seem to notice. He seemed numb and easily lost.
“So you’re in New York now?” Ben asked. Justin looked up his brow furrowed as if having to remember something.
“Oh. Yeah.” He finally said sighing. “Sorry I guess it’s the concussion. I can’t seem to think straight.” He apologized. Ben reached out touching his shoulder.
“It isn’t the concussion Justin.” His voice was warm and caring. Michael watched as Justin once again looked back at the boys who were now being tickled by both Melanie and Lindsay. He knew. Justin knew why he couldn’t think straight. He knew. He was just barely holding on, but he was holding on bravely putting on a good front. Michael wanted to let him off the hook. He found all the past anger he had felt for the man was somehow gone. Maybe losing the love of his life somehow made up for hurting his best friend. Maybe now Justin had suffered enough. Maybe now he had suffered more than enough. Michael felt the need to end the suffering or at least knew he could no longer stand to witness it.
“Mom, Vic let’s go get something to drink. Would you like something Justin? Maybe something to eat?” Michael asked a look of startled surprise on Justin’s face at his offer but something more. He was grateful. A truce had been declared. Justin’s shoulders visibly relaxed at the offer. He shook his head though.
“No but thanks. I’m fine.” He looked tired and thin. Brian wished that he had accepted the offer. He wondered when the man had last eaten something.
“We’ll go with you.” Emmett chirped pulling Ted along with him in the direction of the house. Justin watched them go. Brian watched as the mask slipped only slightly on the young man’s face before it was quickly secured back in place.
“Hard isn’t it? “ Brian asked stepping a little closer to the man.
“What?” Justin asked wishing his voice didn’t sound so defensive. Why did he always feel so defensive around Brian?
“Trying to put on a brave front, feeling like you have to protect everyone else because if they really ever knew how desperately you wished you were dead, it would literally scare the shit out of them.” He reached out and placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder expecting the younger man to pull away. Instead he watched as tears spilled over the blue eyes he had come to love so long ago. Justin just nodded wondering how Brian had known and at the same time secretly hoped that he would never find out. He only hoped that he hadn’t been the one to cause Brian that much pain yet somehow he suspected that he had been.
“I can’t do this now.” His voice was hoarse with emotion. “If I ever start I’m not sure I’ll ever stop and I just can’t.” He struggled looking up into Brian’s eyes. There had been a time when he had found such strength there. He needed that strength now more than ever. “I need to be with my son. I have to..” He couldn’t finish. Instead he gestured with his head instead as Brian just nodded.
Brian watched as Justin turned quickly closing the ground between himself and his child. Once he reached the boy he took him into his arms and made his way further away from the house and the people there who meant to comfort but only served to remind him of how alone he was and how a part of his life was over, dead, lying in a casket covered with dirt. It broke Brian’s heart to watch it. Justin needed a friend, a real friend, who could listen to all the anger and bear all of the pain. Brian was determined that he would be that friend.
*****************
Justin watched as Stephen lay on the merry-go-round spinning slowly around and around. The little boy giggled. Justin crawled up next to him staring up at the sky his head next to his son’s. He watched as the clouds spun slowly above him. He pushed all other thoughts from his mind instead focusing on the clouds above him and the feel of the hot little head pressed against his own. When he spoke his voice sounded calmer than he had felt all day.
“It’s just us now Stephen old boy. We are on our own.” The little boy rolled over towards the sound of his Father’s voice. He stared at his daddy’s face finding his nose amazingly interesting and then his lips.
“We’re going to be ok.” Justin reassured the boy knowing the words were meant to shore up his own sagging confidence and not the boy’s. He placed the boy on his chest staring up into his own clear blue eyes shining down from the trusting little face.
“I miss him Stephen. I miss him so much.” He felt tears slide down the side of his face and tickle his ears.
“Pa Pa Pa Pa.” The chant began again. “Missss” The boy’s brow furrowed for a second. Stephen had always called Ethan Papa and Justin was Daddy.
Justin smiled hugging his son to his chest. “Yeah.” He whispered. “I miss Papa.”
******************
“Where did Justin go?” Jennifer Taylor’s voice startled Brian who had been peacefully taking in the portraits that adorned the wall of the condo’s dining room.
“He said he needed to be with his son and he left.” Brian said his tone unreadable.
“What did you say to him?” She asked her tone sounding accusatory.
“The truth.” Brian said. “Just like I always did.” He looked at her then. She saw something in his eyes that caused her to back off. He was here after all. He had come to help her son. He had come along with all of his other friends to tell him that they were sorry for his loss. She shook her head and tried to lighten the mood.
“Brian I’m sorry. I guess it has been a long day and—“
“And I hurt him before so you figured that I would kick him when he was down.” He finished turning to face her fully.
“No.” She flushed. “No Brian. I mean, well you did always know how to get a reaction out of him, but no I didn’t think you would kick him when he was down. I am just concerned that’s all. He’s not doing as well as he appears to be.” She moved a few of the dishes around on the table nervously.
“Yeah I noticed. He is barely holding it together, but he will because he has to. That little blond haired clone needs him and Justin never abandons anyone who needs him.”
Brian’s voice was soft.
“Did you need him?” Jennifer asked and then before Brian could respond pushed ahead. “No don’t answer that. It’s none of my business. I know you were always a sore spot between he and Ethan. I just never understood…it’s none of my business. “ She picked up an empty dish reaching out to touch Brian’s arm as she moved back towards the kitchen. “I’m glad you came today. I know it meant more to him to have you here than anyone.” She smiled sadly and moved into the kitchen.
Brian stood motionless. He wondered for a moment if he was even breathing. He had been a sore spot between Justin and Ethan. Why? Ethan had won. Why would his being here today mean more to Justin that anyone else being here? Brian had hoped to hang around until he could say goodbye to Justin but suddenly realized it was time to go. He moved into the living area and began making subtle signs to the rest of the gang to signal their departure. Moments later they were assembled on the lawn ready to make their way to Deb’s for dinner.
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“It really was a beautiful ceremony.” Ted said passing the pasta to Emmett. “Justin looked really good.”
“Yeah not fair. He gets better with age. I doubt he will be on the market long.” Emmett piped up trying to lighten the mood. The stunned looks that his comment received told him that it was too soon. “Sorry just an observation. I know he isn’t going to be out hitting the backrooms within the week. I am just saying—“
“We know what you’re saying Emmett.” Ben smiled trying to ease the sudden tension in the air.
“He looked like shit.” Brian’s voice cut through the previous tension creating a whole new strain.
“Well he had a right to. He’s been through—“
“Hell?” Brian interrupted Melanie shocking her into silence. “Wrong. He is in hell and he still has a long way to go before he’ll be on the other side of it.” He brought his fork to his mouth ignoring the thoughtful silence that his comments had provoked.
“What did he say to you?” Deb asked her eyes leveled on Brian.
“Not much. He just needed to have some time with his son. He needed to be alone for a while.” Brian sounded nonchalant.
“He’s a beautiful little boy.” Ted smiled remembering. “So much like Justin. Did you see that smile?”
“We better get it while we can. If that boy grows up and graces Babylon we are all in trouble. Even you might lose some business Mr. Kinney, he’s gonna break a lot of hearts.” Emmett noted.
“I can’t believe he’s a father. Shit he’s what 21?” Michael shook his head still shocked.
“He’s 22 and a really good father.” Melanie noted. “He and Stephen are so close.”
The sound of the phone had Debbie on her feet.
“Hello.” She answered moving around so that she could place more salad on the table.
“Sure yeah he’s here. If that’s what you want. You gonna come by and see us?” Debbie motioned to Brian. Brian furrowed his brow in confusion but rose making his way over to the phone.
“Well that gives us a little time. Ok well you know where you can reach me right? Don’t deny me the chance to help ok? Yeah.” She paused for a moment. “I love you too. You are more than welcome Sunshine. Here’s Brian.” Brian felt a wave of shock race through his body. It was Justin and he had called Deb’s looking for him. He swallowed hoping everyone would think it was food when really it was a lump that had just developed in his throat.
“Hey.” He made his voice as casual as possible. “Yeah good food, good company, well except for Deb and Ted and--.” Deb struck him and sat down laughing loudly. Everyone pretended to be interested in their food when in fact they were obviously eavesdropping. Curiosity was killing these cats.
“Brian I was hoping maybe we could talk. I know it’s late but Stephen had a hard time going to sleep and then I had to head over to Rachel’s hotel room to talk for a little bit.” He paused. Brian heard him clear his throat and wondered how he was even still on his feet with all he had endured the last few days.
“It’s not too late. Want me to come there?” He asked.
“Would you mind? I need to stay close to Stephen. After all she has had to do for me lately, my Mom is dead on her feet.” Brian had thought so today as Jennifer had allowed her cool to slip in front of him.
“I’ll come over now.” Several looks were cast across Debbie’s dinner table but nothing was said. “Want me to bring you some food?” Deb was already on her feet getting a to go order ready.
“Sure. No I’m done. I’ll be there in 15-20 at the latest ok?” He tried to keep the hope out of his voice but knew he was fighting a losing battle. He hung up the phone and turned around to find eight sets of eyes boring into him. “No big deal.” He shrugged. “He just needs to talk and knows I won’t coddle him ok?” He leaned over the couch and kissed his sleeping son.
“Thanks for dinner.” Brian gave Deb a kiss as he accepted the sack of food.
“Yeah.” Debbie replied watching him walk out of her home. As soon as the door closed she turned to the rest of the group “What the fuck was that about?”
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Brian gently knocked on the door. He heard the lock release and the door pull back. Justin gave him a tired smile and stepped back to let him in. “Thanks for coming over.” He said as he made his way through the living room picking up toys and discarded clothes as he did.
“Messy must be genetic with you Taylor men.” Brian commented earning him a laugh from Justin. It was brief but had sounded real.
“Want something to drink?” Justin asked.
“Yeah I could use a shot but will settle for water.” He smirked and followed Justin into the kitchen.
After getting his water he watched as Justin rinsed out a few of Stephen’s sipping cups and closed up a box of graham crackers. Brian grabbed a cloth and cleaned off the high chair that was sitting next to the kitchen table.
“Sorry I know you didn’t come over here to help me clean up.” Justin apologized as he started the dishwasher.
“Wrong. I came to help and if that includes picking up after your sonny boy then that’s what I’m here for.” Brian continued clean the dried food off of the high chair. “They oughta use those jarred peaches for mortar don’t ya think?”
When he looked up Justin was staring at him with a confused and amused expression on his face.
“What?” Brian asked.
“You’ve mellowed.” He smiled and moved past him into the living area.
“I’ve mellowed?” Brian asked dropping the cleaning rag and following him. “You’re a fucking mommy and I’ve mellowed?” Justin shook his head and flopped down on the sofa.
“How have you been Brian? It’s been forever hasn’t it?” He asked.
“Three years. “ Brian said before he could stop himself. Justin nodded.
“Yeah almost to the day huh?” Brian was surprised that he would know that in spite of all he had been going through.
Justin leaned back and closed his eyes. “Tell me something.” He said never opening his eyes.
“What?” He asked.
“Anything.” Justin began “Anything that doesn’t have to do with death or funerals or you being sorry for me.” His voice sounded so weary. Brian rose and moved over to sit next to him.
“Ok. How about those Steelers?” Justin opened his eyes and together they laughed.
“Any queers on the team this year?” He asked.
“Haven’t had time to find out.” Brian joked.
“What you said today helped me.” Justin said suddenly his face growing serious.
“Good. That’s all I want to do Justin. I want to be your friend and help you.” He brushed the man’s hair out of his eyes. Justin reached up and took the older man’s hand.
“I could use a friend right now.” He sighed holding Brian’s hand in his own. They sat staring at each other for a few long moments. There was something still there. Brian could feel it. He wondered if Justin felt it as well. Justin leaned back against the couch once more closing his eyes.
“My mom thinks I should move back so I will have more friends and family around me.”
“What do you think you should do?” Brian asked not giving a shit what Jennifer thought.
“I don’t know.” He rose at the sound of Stephen crying out. “Wanna come see him?” He asked pausing at the door smiling back at Brian. “He looks like an angel when he sleeps.” Brian suddenly found himself remembering all the times he had laid awake watching another blonde angel sleep. Justin had always looked so peaceful and innocent once the nightmares of the bashing had left him.
Brian rose and followed Justin back to his bedroom. The room itself wasn’t very big. He saw the queen bed and the border of pillows surrounding the sleeping toddler. Justin leaned down to sooth the little boy. There was something so sweet and nurturing in the way he moved that Brian felt an overwhelming desire to take him into his arms and kiss him. Instead he took a couple of steps closer standing behind the man. As Justin rose Brian instinctively wrapped his arms around his waist. Justin stiffened at the feel of it. Brian quickly released him and moved along his side.
“Sorry.” He apologized never taking his eyes from the sleeping boy.
“I’m not…I can’t.” Justin mumbled. Brian nodded and quickly left the room. Justin remained for a moment staring down at the angelic face sleeping in his bed. When he returned to the living room Brian was seated in a chair staring blankly ahead.
“Sorry.” Justin began again.
“No Justin I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Three years is a very long time.” Brian refused to look at him at that moment afraid of what he would see. He wanted to be Justin’s friend. He knew this was his chance to show the man that he had changed. He was capable of more than he had been those long years ago.
Justin surprised him by coming up to stand in front of Brian. He then knelt down until they were at eye level. Only then did Brian really look at him. His blue eyes were completely unreadable. “You were thinking that your friend, your ex-lover, is in a lot of pain and you could take it away for a moment. What’s to be sorry for? Just because I can’t accept it doesn’t mean I don’t see it for what it was ok?” Brian nodded.
“This is so hard.” Justin began looking down. “I feel like you are the person I really need, but how can I talk to you when you were the one that Ethan and I hurt?” Justin shook his head and started to rise, but Brian reached out placing his hands on either side of Justin’s face.
“It’s ok Justin. I’m ok. I’m a big boy. I can take it. That’s why I am here. I know you need to talk about him. I know you need to say all these things that you are keeping inside of you. I’m strong enough. If I didn’t want to be here do you really think I’d be sitting in this chair?” His eyes were warm and kind. Justin had seen this look before, but so seldom towards the end of their relationship. He nodded not trusting his voice.
“They put him in the ground. I don’t remember much. Its sorta like the bashing that way?” He looked up hoping that Brian was okay with him mentioning the bashing. Seeing that he was Justin continued. “We were driving and he was telling me about this performance he had just given. I looked back then I heard him say something. I think he said ‘Oh shit!’, he looked over at me.” His voice was thick with emotion. Tears filling his eyes as Brian watched him reach for strength he didn’t have. “He knew Brian. He knew. He looked so fucking scared.”
Brian drew him up into a hug and held him tight feeling the hot tears on his neck. “He was probably afraid for you and Stephen.” He finally managed around the lump in his throat. He felt Justin shake his head.
“I wish I had said something. But I couldn’t. I don’t think I did anyway that’s where it gets fuzzy. I saw the lights coming and heard tires.” His voice trailed off. Brian smiled sympathetically.
“Now I have this kid and no job and I don’t know how to do this? I mean I have to but I don’t know how.” He explained pulling back further taking Brian’s hand and leading him to the couch. He pulled him down beside him and leaned against his shoulder. “Is this ok? “ He asked and Brian nodded wrapping his arm around Justin’s shoulders and pulling him closer.
“Take it one day at a time Sunshine.” Brian whispered wishing his friend didn’t have to face this alone.
“Stephen is so confused and his schedule is a mess. He knows something is wrong and that I am sad. It breaks my heart to see how hard he is trying to make me smile.” Justin shook his head. “How am I going to survive this?” Finally the question Brian knew he had been wanting to ask all night. The same question Brian had been asking himself three years before.
“First one moment at a time, then a day at a time, soon you will find it is a week at a time then a month will have passed, then two and eventually a year. You will survive it. You’re strong. You’re the strongest person I know.” Brian admitted kissing the top of his blond head.
“No Brian I’m not strong. You were my strength. I felt unbeatable when I was with you. I just feel so very tired now. I can’t tell you how hard it is to get out of bed.” He sighed and relaxed against his friend’s body. “I think if it weren’t for Stephen I’d never get out of bed.” Brian nodded.
“Well then do it for him until you are able to do it for you again.” Justin could do that. It made sense. He knew Brian would know what to say he.
“Brian?” He asked and waited for the man to indicate he was still listening. “I’m sorry I hurt you. Do you think you can ever forgive me?” The words were long overdue, but he had promised Ethan he wouldn’t talk to Brian again at least not while they were together. It was part of a deal the two men had made when they had moved to New York.
“I do forgive you Justin. It wasn’t all your fault you know? You practically begged me to give you any sign that I wanted you, felt something for you. It was both of us.” He felt Justin nodded his head slightly.
“Doesn’t matter.” Justin began his words biting into Brian until he heard what it was that Justin was saying. “Nothing justifies betrayal. I broke the rules. I cheated at the game. I should have left when I realized you didn’t love me. There was no excuse for holding on demanding for more than you could give me. I’m really sorry.”
“Forgiven.” Brian stated once again kissing his head. He had needed the admission more than he had known.
“Is it that easy?” Justin asked pulling back to look at the other man trying to gauge his sincerity by his eyes. He could always read Brian’s eyes.
“No.” Brian said but smiled. Justin smiled back. He could see that he was forgiven but it hadn’t been his words that had earned it. Brian had forgiven him a long time before.
“He didn’t want me to call you.” Justin confessed. “I wanted to. I wanted to apologize so many times but he asked me not to talk to you. It seemed the least I could do. He felt so insecure when it came to you.” Justin shook his head and suddenly pulled away from Brian moving to sit on the edge of the couch. He buried his head in his hands for a moment. “I shouldn’t have told you that. He would die if he knew I just told you that.” His words struck him with a sudden force as he turned once more staring into Brian’s eyes. Ethan was gone. He had died.
Seeing the force of the realization that was crashing in on Justin, Brian did the only thing he could think to do. He reached out and pulled the man back into his arms and just held him until the sobs subsided.
