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Endings and Beginnings
Chapter 14
Justin stood on the front stoop and took a deep breath. Steeling himself he rang the door bell and waited. A moment later his Father appeared at the door.
“Justin.” He said a bit disappointed to see his son alone.. He had hoped to see his grandson again.
“Thank you for seeing me.” Craig winced at Justin’s formality but ushered him into his condo. Upon entering the living area Justin watched as a blonde woman bearing a striking resemblance to his mother stood to greet him.
“Justin this is Amy. Amy this is my son Justin.” Justin extended his hand and smiled in greeting.
“It’s nice to meet you Justin. You look so much like your father.” Justin glanced from her to his father then nodded absently.
“Amy, would you mind if I spoke to my Father alone? I’ll only be a moment.” He asked. Her smile faded as she looked nervously at Craig then smiled again. Justin wondered how much this stranger knew about his relationship with his father. Realizing that it didn’t really matter he shrugged it off. “Of course.” Amy replied a little too pleasantly.”I’m going to go check my email.” She leaned in and kissed Craig quickly as she left. Justin glanced away giving them what privacy he could.
“What do you want to talk about?” Craig asked gesturing for Justin to sit down but Justin shook his head taking a deep breath.
“I have a problem and I need your help.” Justin began. His father sat down on the edge of the sofa and stared up at his son.
“What’s happened?” Craig asked noticing how uncomfortable Justin was just being in his presence.
“Well to make a long story short, Ethan’s sister, Stephen’s biological mother, is going to sue for custody so I need a lawyer, a good lawyer. The problem is good lawyers cost a lot of money and I don’t have any.” Justin said it fast hoping it would hurt less.
“Why would she do that?” Craig asked watching his son barely contained emotions. Craig had never weighed with on his own personal feelings regarding homosexuals raising children. It seemed unnatural. He wondered about the little boy he had seen with Justin. It was hard to feel connected to the child. Until a day or so ago, he’d never seen the boy, but still he feel some connection. Maybe it was because he looked so much like Justin or perhaps it was just the fact that he was his grandson. Whatever it was, Craig found that he did care deeply what happened to the child.
Justin moved away from the man toward the front window. He was trying to figure out the answer to his Father’s question. He had no real idea why Rachel would suddenly decide that the baby she has had nothing to do with would be better off in her care. Surely it was really all about Brian, or at least Ethan’s version of Brian that he had passed on to his sister.
“Vindictive? Mourning?” Justin finally offered. ‘Pissed off at me? Pissed off at the world? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares? Will you help me keep my son?” Justin asked trying to maintain what dignity he could given that he was begging his homophobic father for money.
“Why is it that the only time you come to see me is when you need money?” Craig asked. “I mean if you need a loan why not go to a bank? I came to your Mother’s to offer my emotional support, but you didn’t want that. No you just want money.” Craig rose and moved toward his son hurt and anger evident in his body and voice. “Do you think that’s all there is to being a father? Handing out money?” He felt hurt and irritated. He had tried to reconnect this past week and it hadn’t gone well but he had tried. But it hadn’t been enough. Justin had rejected him, practically thrown him out the front door. Now suddenly Justin finds himself in need of money and now decides maybe dear old Dad isn’t the asshole father that he had been just days before.
“No, I know that there is more to being a parent than giving my child money, but helping your child when they are in need is part of parenting.” Justin stated fighting the frustration that was rising inside of him.
“So is guiding your child when they stray onto the wrong path.” Justin turned lifting his eyebrow wondering what in the hell was coming next and somehow already knowing. He waited refusing to bait the man further. He needed the money. He needed his help. He needed to keep his son.
“Justin, you know how I feel about your lifestyle. Now I never met this Ethan.” It was the way he said. Justin felt his spine go rigid and for the first time wondered if he could sell an organ or something instead of sinking to his level.
“His name was Ethan not This Ethan or That Ethan. He was MY ETHAN. He WAS my Ethan.” Justin spat angrily. Craig raised his hands.
“Whatever Justin.” He shook his head in disgust. He would never understand how his son could feel that way about another man.
“What did you say?” Justin asked incredulously.
Craig sighed. “I said whatever. I just don’t understand what you were thinking starting a family with” He seemed to choke on the words. “another man.” It sounded like it felt coming out of his mouth. Like something disgusting, something revolting, something he wished he could wash away but knew somehow the taste would never leave him. “Do you have any idea the damage you are going to do to your child?” He asked sincerely.
Justin turned away. He wanted to be immune to his father’s words, but he couldn’t be. How could he? This was his father. This was the man who had taught him to ride a bike, watched horror movies with him late at night, they had played Frisbee together and swam laughed and joked with one another. Those days seemed so distant now. Craig had taught Justin how to be the man he was but he didn’t think Justin was worthy of being a father. Justin felt a single tear make its way down his cheek and wiped it away hoping his father wouldn’t notice. He turned back and stared at this father.
“Damage him? Then I guess you will be testifying on Rachel’s behalf. She’ll be thrilled. I’m sure with your testimony Stephen will be as good as hers.” He sighed forcefully.
His father smirked. Justin willed himself to continuing looking into the man’s eyes. He couldn’t allow his emotions to overrule him. He had to stay in control. He needed his father’s help. It was the only way he could possibly hope to keep his son.
“Dad look I know I am going to make lots of mistakes as a parent. You did. Mom did, but I turned out ok. I’m a good person. I try hard. I made a life for myself. The time for giving me lectures about being a parent well it’s over. Now I am just trying to stay one. I have a son, Dad, and maybe you can’t understand why I had him with Ethan, but I love him. I love him with all that I am. I can’t lose him. I just can’t.”
“We haven’t spoken for how many years and then once again you show up with your hand out?” He sounded angry. “You think it was easy for me to lose you? You think I was trying to be mean or cruel? Well you’re wrong. I was trying to be a good parent. I was trying to get you to see what you were doing to yourself. What you were doing to your life. Justin you almost got killed. You were involved with a 30 year old man. I wasn’t being the homophobic asshole you claim me to be. I was being your father. I was trying to protect you just like you are trying to protect your son. Do you understand that?” Justin didn’t. How could he? His father had walked away. His father had chosen to disown him because he was gay. His father had left him to defend himself against a world full of homophobic men and women without the love of his Father to shelter him.
“Dad.” Justin began.
“Don’t call me that, not when we both know what you call me behind my back.” Craig hissed throwing Justin’s hurtful words back at him.
“Are you going to help me? I know what you think of me so if you don’t want to do it for me that’s fine. But I love my son and Stephen is your grandson, do it for him. Help him if you won’t help me.” Justin pleaded.
“You don’t know what I think about you. You don’t have a fucking clue Justin. I love you. You are my son. If I have to choose between you and my grandson, I will choose you. For all I know Stephen would be better off with his Mother..” Craig said rising from his seat.
“What?” Justin looked and sounded like he had just been punched in the gut. “How can you say that? I bust my ass to be a good parent to him. He doesn’t even know her.” He shook his head. This had been a mistake. He should have known that the man would not help him.
“Why?” Craig asked. “Why is she taking him now?” Justin shook his head. He knew that the reason would only work to strengthen the man’s resolve not to help him.
“Why?” Craig practically yelled. “You want my help tell me why.”
“She thinks I’m with Brian again.” There is was. It was out in the open, a layer of stones to pile on top of the ever growing wall between to the two men. Justin stood definitely.
“Are you?” Craig asked watching another wave of pain roll off of his son. “No don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.” Justin moved back towards the front door. He saw where this was going. His Father wasn’t good for financial help just lectures and guilt.
“How am I ever going to keep you away from that man? How am I ever going to get you to see that you are not gay. You are just confused Justin. Maybe it is a chemical imbalance, maybe it is something your mother or I did, I don’t know but we can fix this Justin.” Justin paused in the hallway. He looked down at the floor for a long moment. He felt sick. He felt less in this man’s presence. He felt ashamed, for the first time since he had first come out, he felt ashamed of whom he was. No matter what Justin said Craig would never listen and he would never understand. He would always see his son as someone who needs to be fixed.
“Where are you going?” Craig asked in pursuit.
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.” Craig shook his head. He felt this was his last chance. This was his last chance to reach his son to get him back on the right path.
“Wait.” Craig yelled as he scrambled out the front door. Justin was already down the drive way heading for his car. “I’ll give you the money.”
Justin froze. He wanted to run. He wanted to act like he hadn’t heard the man, but he knew that without the money he would probably lose his son. He couldn’t risk it. He turned and faced his father.
“Thank you.” Justin said meeting his Father’s eyes. “Draw up some papers. I’ll pay you back. I know it is only a loan.”
“I don’t want you to pay me back. I want something else.” Craig said. “You give up your lifestyle and I’ll give you the money.” Justin couldn’t believe his ears.
“What?” He asked.
“You want me to pay for the lawyer fine, but you have to renounce your lifestyle and go straight.” Justin didn’t know what to do. It was as if his father was asking him not to breathe. He had no control over his sexual orientation. He shook his head as he tried to sort out what it was he was being asked to choose between.
“Are you asking me to choose between being gay and my son?” Craig nodded.
“What will it be?” He asked. Justin turned back around and started walking to his car. He would have to think about this. How could he possibly stop being what he was? How could he convince his father that being gay wasn’t a choice? He knew he couldn’t lose Stephen. His mind raced as he stumbled along.
“If you walk away you don’t deserve that boy. If you love him it should be an easy choice.” Craig shouted as Justin slammed the car door and started the engine. He had no idea where he was going all he knew was that he had to get away from his father as fast as he could.
Whatever happened to unconditional parental love? Justin knew he had never had it. He had thought that he had but it had all been a lie and now the rest of his life he would be living one as well.
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No one had seen or heard from Justin in hours. Jennifer hadn’t been concerned at first. She had figured that once he spoke with Craig he would have gone to either Deb’s or Brian’s or even perhaps back to Lindsay’s to talk to Melanie. She had waited. Stephen had eaten, taken his nap, eaten his supper and she was now putting him to bed. He was fussy. He kept asking for his Father. It wasn’t like Justin to be gone like this without calling to check on his son. Once the baby was in bed, she went over to the phone. He picked up on the second ring.
“Brian? Hi this is Jennifer Taylor. Can I speak with Justin please?” Brian wrinkled his brow. He and Justin had parted on less than friendly terms. Obviously he hadn’t divulged this to his mother.
“He isn’t here Jennifer. I haven’t seen him since I brought him back to your place around noon.” There was a long silence. “Jennifer?” He asked.
“Oh.” She paused trying to think of who to call next. “ I’m sorry to have bothered you. Okay. Well, I’ll see if he is over at Deb’s.” She hung up.
Brian immediately dialed the munchers, but they hadn’t seen Justin either. He waited a few minutes then called Jennifer again.
“Justin?” She answered.
“No.” He paused. “It’s Brian again. Was he over at Deb’s?” He asked knowing that he hadn’t been.
“No and he isn’t answering his cell. Brian this isn’t like him.” She sounded upset.
“So you haven’t heard anything since he spoke with Craig. Maybe he is still over there. Why don’t you call and then call me back.” Jennifer agreed and Brian hung up. That was a reasonable suggestion. Jennifer was embarrassed that she hadn’t considered it herself.
It was exactly 17 minutes later when the phone rang again. Brian grabbed it on the first ring.
“Well?” He could tell by her voice that the news wasn’t good.
“It went badly Brian. Craig was an ass to him. He told him that he would only give Justin the money if he gave up his disgusting lifestyle.” She winced hating the way the words sounded coming out of her mouth.
“What did Justin say?” Brian asked trying not to feel the pain he knew Justin must have felt. Rejection by society was one thing. Rejection by those who were your supposed loved ones was another.
“He didn’t say anything. He just left. Craig said that his parting words to Justin were that if he wasn’t willing to give it up to save his son then he didn’t deserve Stephen.” There was a long silence on the phone. Brian wanted to ask Jennifer for Craig’s address so that he could give that man what he deserved. He sighed.
“I have no idea where he could be Jennifer. I will call and get the guys out looking for him.”
“Deb’s already done that. They were at her house. I can’t leave here or I would go look. Stephen is asleep.” She felt so helpless and heartbroken. How could Craig have been so cruel to their son? It was obvious just looking at Justin that he was in a great deal of emotional pain. Why did that homophobic SOB have to add to it?
“Stephen needs you Jennifer. That is where you need to be. Justin trusts you. I will go look. I’ll call when I find him.”
“Find him Brian. Please find him.” Jennifer murmured desperately.
“I will.” He hung up. Rushing up the steps into his bedroom he grabbed his jacket. He quickly scanned the room picking up his wallet. He didn’t remember if Justin had been wearing a jacket earlier or not so he snatched a blanket. He headed out dialing his cell phone.
“Mikey, it’s Brian. Have you guys had any luck?” He asked.
“No.” Michael sighed. “But I honestly have no clue where to even start looking for him. I mean he hasn’t lived here in years. Where should we look?” He asked.
“I don’t have a fucking clue. Just try to think where he might have gone and go there. Call your mom to make sure someone else isn’t already there. She is coordinating things.”
“I’ll call if anyone finds him.” Michael said sincerely.
“Thanks.” Brian hung up.
Michael headed into Babylon. He doubted Justin was in there. If it were Brian who was missing Michael knew he would find him in the backroom. Justin was a different story. Just to be on the safe side Michael decided to look over the dancers. Maybe Justin had come to dance his problems away.
Michael couldn’t forget the concern that he had heard Brian’s voice. He was already falling for the blonde again. Michael hated to think of how hard Brian would fall this time when Justin hurt him. Michael scanned the dance floor wondering if it wouldn’t be a better thing for Brian if Justin stayed gone.
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