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Chapter Eighteen
Present day – June 2016
Brian threw himself on the ground of the cave, trying to catch his breath. He had found the radio, and made it back without collapsing. He knew what was driving him, what was keeping him moving, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it up. He handed the Senior Chief a small piece of paper, not able to talk through his shortness of breath. When he had arrived at the SEAL’s small hideout he was amazed that most of the things were still there… it was almost like they had left them for him to find. The radio was still where it had been buried along with a map and paper.
Quickly, he had written the coordinates down, and what needed to be said in the secure hand-held. He knew that even if he couldn’t call for help someone else could. Laying down on the ground, Brian heard the Senior Chief begin to talk. Everything else began to fade around him, as he closed his eyes.
He wondered what Justin was doing at that moment. He wondered if Lindsay had had Gus yet. Was his son now in this world? Would he ever be able to see him? What did he look like?
The first thing he knew he would do when he got back was try to make things right with Justin. He wasn’t sure if he could, but he knew he had to try. He had to have Justin understand why he said and did what he had. He needed Justin to understand, and forgive him. The last thing Brian wanted to do was make the decision between his son and his husband, cause he wasn’t sure what that decision would be.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
09August 2015
Justin,
Well we’ve finally decided. It’s going to happen. Now of course all we have to do is go through with it. Our own child. Christ! What am I thinking?
If you would have asked me when we first got together if we would ever be here, I would have laughed in your face. I really would have. I guess I never saw myself as a father. And honestly what would we have to offer a child? Between my fucked up childhood and yours, what could we give a child?
Then it all changed. We have a family now. One who loves us both, and who will stand beside us no matter what. I never had that, and now that I do… I think we can make this work. We can have a baby, something to call our own. I like the sound of it. Dad.
Of course now all we have to do is convince Daphne to do it for us. I know I said that I wanted to wait, but there’s this small part of me that wants it now. I look at Brian Matthew and I watch him grow. I watch him experience things for the first time, and I find myself wanting that. I want to experience that with OUR child.
Who would have ever thought?
Of course the only problem with it is Lindsay. Yes, I know she wants to have my baby… she’s wanted me to sleep with her since we were kids, she’s always dreamed of us being together. I know this, but she also knows that it will never happen. I won’t hide who I am, and who I love. I’m married to you, not her. I’ll never be married to her.
However life goes on… and ours just gets crazier and crazier.
Your mom and dad… okay our mom and dad, planning a wedding. Yikes what the hell is that? That’s a picture I don’t want to have in my mind. And what is this with Emmett and Peters. Yes, dear, you were right. Fuck! I can’t believe I never saw it. I thought he MIGHT be a closeted queer, but … fuck! Seeing him and Emmett together…
My eyes. Seeing him come out of the house the other night when I got called into a mission… I couldn’t believe it. Here he was acting all big and bad with me. Acting like he didn’t have anything to hide. Okay, so we had many talks about … yuck his romantic life. He would ask me shit about what to do when we come back, how to make it up to our lover when we get called away all the sudden. He never ONCE mentioned a damn name. Never once even mentioned a sex. I just assumed.
Come on, don’t blame me. He was by far one of the biggest ladies men around. You can’t deny that. So yes, is this a shock to me? Yes!
I guess I owe you those backrubs when I get back huh?
I gotta go, Pretty boy. I will write more later.
I love you, my Avalon.
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Daphne sat down in the chair opposite Brian and Justin in their apartment at Avalon. She knew that they had something to ask her, but she wasn’t sure what could possibly be so important that they wanted to do it today. “Okay… so what’s up?”
Brian leaned back in the chair pulling Justin back against him. He was going to let Justin handle this as they agreed. Justin would handle Daphne while he had a talk with Lindsay. Frankly, he wished that they could switch their jobs… telling Linds that she wasn’t the ‘one’ would be hard on his friend. He only hoped that she understood.
“We have been talking, and we wanted to see if you would agree.” Justin began, leaning back against Brian. Although they had talked about it in length, and both agreed that they wanted to do it, actually talking about it with Daphne made everything real. They were really going to do it. “We want you to carry our child.” Justin told her.
Daphne screamed and jumped out of her chair to land directly on Brian and Justin. “Really? You really want to have a baby? That is soooo cool. “
Brian laughed as he had his arms full of a very happy woman, something he never thought he would have. “Well we can’t very well have it…since we don’t have the right equipment. That’s where we’re hoping you will come in.”
Justin pushed Daphne off of them, seeing the bright smile that spread across her face. “I take that as a yes. You will be the one to carry the child?”
“Yes. Of course I will. And I know that all I will be is a surrogate, all I ask is that I can be auntie Daphne?” She asked shyly, not sure if she should even bring it up.
“Most definitely.” Brian smiled. “Whenever you want to do it, we’ll get the papers drawn up and then… well you know.”
Daphne moved to sit down on Brian’ other knee wrapping her arms around her two favorite men. “So when will things be ready? I mean don’t they have to do something with the sperm and stuff to make it yours?”
Justin laughed as he pulled Daphne into a hug. There would be a lot more to talk about, but knowing that she would be willing made everything perfect. Justin only hoped that Brian would be alright when he broke the news to Lindsay. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Lindsay, but Justin had this feeling that it would be more trouble than it’s worth. He knew that Lindsay had secretly wanted to be with Brian, that she had these fantasies that would never happen. He hoped that she would understand and it didn’t cause Brian any problems.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Reaching across the table, Brian held Lindsay’s hand in his own. “You do understand right? You’re okay with this?”
Lindsay sat there and tried to hide her disappointment as Brian explained that she would not be carrying his child. She had hoped that when all was said and done, Brian would choose her. That wasn’t the case unfortunately, and she didn’t want Brian to see how hurt she really was. “Of course I understand. It hurts, but I understand.” She gave him a small smile, but inside she felt like she was dying. “So.. ummm. What happens now? What do you guys have to do?”
Brian removed his hand and ran it through his short hair. Leaning back against the booth. “Well I already made my deposit, and from what Justin tells me, he will be seeing the doc on Tuesday to do what needs to be done to add his DNA. Then we’ll just wait until Daphne’s ready.”
“You’re leaving it up to her? Don’t you want a say in it?” She asked, a plan starting to form in her mind. He told her that he had already done his part, now all she had to do was find out how to get a small sample. She wanted to have a baby, she yearned to have one. The only man she could see to be the father was Brian. He didn’t have to know, if she got it from a sperm bank, who would know. She had a contact in the bank… all she had to do was get the right sample. In the next two days she had to get there, get the sample and then she could have what she craved. She would have Brian’s baby, no matter the cost.
Brian would understand.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Today is the day Daphne. Brian and I are going to the clinic to hand over some of my DNA.” Justin lay on his bed talking to his friend.
“I can’t believe it.”
“Yeah, sort of science experiment freaky.” Daphne said with a laugh. “Are you sure you don’t want to knock me up the good old fashioned way?”
Justin laughed out loud. “You always did want to get a piece of the action as far as Brian was concerned.” He giggled. “Sorry my girl, he’s mine all mine.”
“A girl can wish can’t she?” Daphne smiled at the thought. Despite the fact they were gay, both Brian and Justin had often been part of her late night fantasies. A vibrator can only do so much.
“My mother by the way, thinks I am crazy. My father won’t discuss it. What does your mom think?”
“She and Deb are practically spending every waking hour in the baby departments of the various department stores.” Justin huffed a laugh. “I’ve told them that it will be up to you when this baby thing starts cooking.”
“That sounds so gross Justin.”
“Well you know.” Justin sighed. “I want it to happen right now in one way, but in another, with Brian having Brian Matthew in his life, I don’t want to take away any of that little guy’s limelight.”
“As if you two would ever do that. Besides, it does take a few months to incubate. We aren’t talking sci fi cloning here.” She said suddenly serious. “You know Justin, maybe someday you and I could make a baby together. I mean not the regular way, but you know. I kind of like to be a mom. I can sort of see where Lindsay is coming from. You do know she is still obsessed with having Brian’s child. I think it’s been a dream of hers since they were in high school.”
“She never said anything to me or Brian?” Justin said.
“I bet she has to Brian.” Daphne was matter of fact. “I know she did to me.”
“What does she think, if Brian lets her have some sperm that he’ll suddenly become hetero, divorce me and marry her?” Justin could feel a twinge of jealousy deep inside him though he knew it was foolish.
“Who knows, but she is older than me. Her biological clock is ticking.”
“And yours isn’t?” Justin laughed.
“Not yet. I mean I’ll have a baby for you guys. But as for one of my own, I’d like to be settled in a relationship first. I’m not cut out for the single mother thing and I know it.”
“I love you Daph and if you decide you want a baby of your own, as long as I can be part of its life, I would help you in any way I can.” Justin was sincere. “You’ve been there for me since we were five. It would be the very least I could do.”
“I’ll remember that Justin.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Justin it’s real simple. At least this part of it is. I don’t think that the rest of it will be too hard. I mean what can they do?” Brian held his lover trying to calm his nerves as they made their way into the small clinic. “Besides, I’ll be here if you need me.”
“Will you come in and hold me?” Justin said with a small smile and an evil glint in his eye. “I helped you. I think it’s only fair to return the favor.”
“Oh I can help you all right young man.” Brian smiled, as he pulled Justin to him and gave him a deep, passionate kiss. They held each other, probing each other’s mouth until the need for air became a necessity and only then breaking away far enough to rest their foreheads against one another. “Now, take that in there and go do this. I want to enjoy my day off.”
“Yes, sir.” Justin slowly pulled away from Brian holding onto his lover’s hand until the last possible moment.
After Justin walked through the doors, Brian went over to the nurses’ desk to get the other part of for the procedure. “I’m here to pick up the … well my sperm.” Brian told the lady. He couldn’t believe that he was in that office picking up his own sperm so that his lover… his male lover could have it.
The nurse looked up from her computer and stared at Brian. “Sir, your sample isn’t here. We’ll need to get another one for the procedure.”
“Wait. What do you mean it isn’t here?” Brian leaned against the counter to try and steal a look at the computer screen to see what was going on. He knew he had been there the week prior, so his ‘sample’ as they called it should have still been there. It was marked to save for this day.
The nurse went into the back and pulled his file. “Oh, it says here that it was picked up by your request. All the documents were in order and it was picked up and used by one Lindsay Peters.”
Brian felt like the air had just been sucked right out of him. “I had … fuck!” He couldn’t believe that this was happening. What was Lindsay thinking by taking his sperm? She knew that they needed it there so that they could do the procedure. After getting a cup, he went to give them another sample as the lady pulled up all the documents he would need to get some answers. Luckily Justin would be busy for at least another hour, so Brian figured he would have time to see Lindsay and be back there to try and explain this to his husband.
With documents in hand, Brian left the clinic and drove directly to Lindsay’s small apartment. He didn’t even wait for her to say anything as the door opened, he stormed in and waved the papers in her face. “What the FUCK is this? Who the hell gave you the right to take what wasn’t yours? Without even discussing it with me? You fucking knew we needed it for the procedure…Christ Linds! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Brian, I know you’re upset, but hear me out please.”
“Hear you out. Hear you OUT! Lindsay you had better have a damn good explanation for this or I swear to GOD that I will have your ass.” Brian exclaimed. He had never been more upset in his life as he was at that moment. Turning away he started to pace the living room, knowing that if he stayed in one spot he would hurt her. He would do something that he would never be able to repair. “Brian, you know that I wanted a child… I told you about it. We talked about it. You agreed.”
“Yes, I agreed that you should have a child, but I didn’t agree for you to STEAL my sperm to do it! What were you thinking?” Brian saw Mel, Lindsay’s girlfriend walk out of the bedroom and saw red. “I bet she talked you into it didn’t she? DIDN’T SHE?”
“Mel had nothing to do with my decision. Yes we talked about it, but it was ultimately my choice. She said she would stand beside me in whatever I decided.” Lindsay went to stand beside Melanie and wrap her arms around her lover. “Bri, I don’t see what the problem is… it’s not like you can’t have another child. You don’t even have to be a part of this one’s life… I just wanted a baby. Is that so wrong?”
“It is when you take something that doesn’t belong to you, Linds. I should have had a say in this.” Brian could feel the pressure build behind his temples, and his neck become stiff. It was a sure sign to him that he was about to lose it, something that he hadn’t allowed to happen since he had met Justin. “Please tell me that you didn’t use it. Please, Linds tell me that even if you did, it didn’t take.”
“Brian… I can’t. I’m pregnant.”
Brian felt the world slip out from under him. His best friend had betrayed him in the worse possible way, and he wasn’t sure how he could make things right. “Christ, Linds.” Brian moved toward the door and turned back to look at his friend as his hand touched the handle. “This isn’t over, Linds. We will be talking, and we’ll decide what will be done. But right now… I can’t fucking stand to even look at you.” Brian opened the door and stormed out of the apartment. He had to think, he had decisions to make.
First off, he had to try and figure out how the hell he was going to tell Justin.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian had left on a mission that morning. Justin was in his studio staring at a blank canvas. All he could think about was the events of the last few days. He had never before felt so betrayed as he had when he found out what Lindsay had done. If it had been anyone else, he would have insisted that they press charges. He still wanted to but he hadn’t said a word to Brian. Brian was furious. In fact furious barely covered said what his husband was feeling. It was certainly no condition for him to be in before leaving on a mission.
Justin had been warned by Mysterious Marilyn only the morning before, that Brian would be called out. So when his husband had stormed into their house after confronting his friend, Justin could only commiserate. He didn’t dare add fuel to the fire. He wanted his husband to calm down and be ready to be called out.
Consequently he’d spent almost six hours showing Brian how he felt about him in a dozen different ways, as well as secreting not only the fudge in Brian’s pack, but various small notes to remind him that he was loved.
All of a sudden he began to work furiously on the canvas. It was a medium sized one so he knew Brian would be back in less than two weeks. Marilyn had never been wrong. While he worked he rehearsed what he wanted to say to Lindsay should he run across her. He didn’t dare seek her out. He was still too hurt and angry to do that.
“Justin?” it was Lindsay, at the door to his studio. “Where is Brian?” she asked. “I need to talk to him.”
Justin looked at her. His eyes flashed dislike and sadness. “Get out of my studio.” He said through gritted teeth. “Where my husband is, is none of your concern.”
“Justin, I’m sorry, I didn’t think” she began.
“GET – OUT – OF – MY – STUDIO – AND – OFF – MY – PROPERTY” he screamed almost beyond reason he was so pissed at her. He ran over and pushed her out of the door slamming it in her face and locking it.
“Hmmmm, Taylor-Kinney, that went well.” He said to himself before returning to his canvas. He felt decidedly calmer.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
27 January 2016
Dear Justin,
I guess I can use this book now to add what I can’t tell you about Gus. Yes, we picked a name out today. We saw the ultrasound, and they told us we were having a boy. Christ a boy!
I wish I could share this with you Justin, I wish that you and Lindsay hadn’t put me in the damn middle. I feel like I’m being torn in two, ripped to shreds. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t NOT be a part of this child’s life. I won’t do that to him.
I wish you could see where I am coming from, I really do. I wish that you could be happy for me. But I guess that’s not going to happen. I guess that it is just me.
Please understand, Justin. I can’t let this child… MY child, think that I don’t want him. I can’t do that to him. I’m already feeling like I’m losing it. My drinking has gone up, my anger is showing more. I’m starting to turn into my father, and I don’t want that. I refuse to be him. But I can see the signs. And I honestly believe that if we were together on this… if I wasn’t having to choose between you and Gus, then I wouldn’t be going through this. I would have you by my side.
I love you, Justin. With all of my heart. You are my soul. Please don’t make me choose. I don’t know if I can. Our life since we found out has been hell. We fight all the damn time… practically all the time. I can’t deal with it anymore.
I love you, and I want things to go back to the way they were. I can’t give up Gus, and I don’t want to lose you. So where does that leave me?
My Avalon,
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Justin looked at the canvas before him shaking his head. For some reason the picture before him wasn’t turning out the way that he wanted, and he wasn’t sure what was missing. Sighing he placed his brushes down and turned as his husband came into the room. “Why hello, Navy Boy.”
Brian wrapped his arms around Justin from behind and looked at the painting. “Stuck?” Justin nodded leaning back against Brian, as Brian looked the painting over. He had learned more about art in the time he knew Justin then he had ever thought possible. Brian knew that he was not even close to be a professional art critic or anything, but he knew Justin and what his lover tried to convey in his work. “Personally, I would like to see that a little brighter color.” Brian stated pointing to one area on the canvas. He never once would tell Justin what he felt was wrong with a painting, he would only tell his lover what he personally would like to see. Of course there hardly ever came a time when he needed to say anything, or he felt that there was something missing. The only times a way to improve something is when he can tell his husband is dissatisfied with a piece of work.
Justin looked at the painting and knew that the color mix was wrong. He would have to try that later on in the day and see if that fixed the problem. “So what do I owe the honor of you being home early?” Justin turned around on his stool, looking up at Brian.
“Actually, I was wondering if we could talk.” Brian stated. Pulling Justin up from the stool he led Justin over to a huge pillow that sat on the floor in the corner of the room. He sat down on the pillow leaning back on his elbows, waiting for Justin to join him. “Linds went to the doctor today, it’s official. She’s pregnant.”
“I can’t believe that she would do that. She had no right.” Justin stated shaking his head as he stood standing over Brian. “I will never forgive her for this, Brian. Never.”
“Justin, please, can’t we talk about this?”
“What is she going to do?” Justin wasn’t sure what he wanted Lindsay to do with the child, he was totally conflicted. All he knew was that he wanted nothing to do with the woman and the stolen child growing in her womb. He couldn’t do it.
“She’s going to have it, and I agree with her. I can’t do it, Justin. I can’t abandon this child, or Lindsay. I want you to be a part of it with me.” Brian gave Justin a small smile as he tried to reach up and take a hold of his husband’s hand. “Justin… please.”
“I can’t, Bri. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand to be in the same damn room as her. I won’t sit there and pretend to be one big happy family when she went behind our back and did this without our consent… without yours. She’s only doing this to get you. She wants the happy little family with the white picket fence, and I won’t stand by and watch you fall into that trap.” Justin told Brian. He couldn’t let Brian think that this would all turn out okay. He knew Lindsay, he knew where she was coming from and it scared him. He wasn’t going to allow her to try and steal Brian away from him. He would fight until his dying breath to keep Brian with him.
“I won’t be my father, Justin. I will be there for Linds and this baby. I would like you to be there with me. I want you to be a part of my child’s life.” Brian tried to reason with his husband. He hated the thought of anyone doing what his parents did to him. He didn’t want Justin to hate this child because of the actions of his mother. “Just please understand. That’s all I ask.”
“I don’t know if I can, Bri. I don’t know if I can.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
26 February 2016
Justin,
The reason why I didn’t make it to dinner is cause Lindsay had a little ‘episode’. Okay she fucking collapsed! Exhaustion they say. She keeps telling me that she’s taking care of herself, but I’m not sure.
I’m feeling so lost, Justin. Everyone is turning against me. My team, you… your parents. I have no one. Well at least I’m losing everyone. I think that they are still with me… at least for now.
Why is the consensus is that I tell Linds to fuck off? Okay, here’s the deal… As long as Lindsay is alive, and well, I have to talk to her… I have to get along with her if I ever want to see my kid. Do you understand that? Do you even comprehend that?
I guess not. Hell, I don’t even know why I’m writing in this damn thing anymore. It’s not like you give a damn. You have your perfect life, and when someone comes along and disrupts it, to hell with everyone else. Guess what Justin… fuck you.
Am I upset with Lindsay? Hell yes. She had no right. But what am I going to do?
Later,
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“You need to take it easy, Linds. The doctor said that you need to take care of yourself and take it easy.” Brian tried to reason with Lindsay as they got into the car after seeing the doctor. He had tried to be there for Lindsay for every appointment. He wanted to experience everything that he could, since he wasn’t sure when he would ever do this again.
“I am, Brian. I have been following everything the doctor had told me to do. I won’t do anything to endanger our child.” Lindsay explained. She had just passed her first trimester and was getting more and more excited about this pregnancy. Experiencing the changes within her, and knowing that a small child was growing inside of her, always brought a smile on her face. “I promise you, Brian, I will not let anything happen.” Lindsay placed her hand on Brian’s sitting on the clutch. “How is Justin handling this?””
Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The whole thing with Justin was confusing to say the least. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen between them. “I’m not going to discuss my marriage with you, Linds, I told you that before. What goes on between Justin and I stays between the two of us.”
“I’m just worried about you, Brian. You seem distracted all the time, and the last thing I want is for this to cause problems between the two of you. That was never my intention.” Lindsay tried to explain.
“What the hell was your intention, Linds? What did you think would happen? How did you THINK Justin would feel?” Brian shook his head trying to clear his head. He had been getting angry more and more since this whole things started and it was starting to scare him a little. He could see himself turning into his father, he was slowly turning into an angry, drunk, bitter man and he hated it. He was trying to NOT fall into the same routine, but it was becoming more difficult as time went on. He needed Justin to stand beside him, and he needed to be with his son, even if it meant being nice to Lindsay… things however were far from perfect.
“I don’t know, Brian. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You got that right. Look, let’s just forget it. Justin is off limits. Leave him alone, and leave our relationship alone. I won’t let either one of you make my decisions for me. I will do what I want, and I won’t be influenced by either one of you. Do you understand?”
“I understand. I am sorry, Brian. I wish things could be different.”
Brian had an idea what Lindsay had wished, but what she wanted would never happen. He wasn’t sure where he was going to be when the baby arrived, but he would be where he wanted to be. He would do what he needed to do. He would have to try once again with Justin, try to get his husband to see that he was trying to make things right. All Brian wanted to do was to make things right for everyone involved. How he would do that he wasn’t sure, but he had to at least try.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Justin walked into the bedroom of their apartment and saw Brian packing a small bag. He felt his heart stop in his chest, wondering what was going on. “Brian?”
Brian turned to look at Justin, shook his head and went back to packing his gym bag. “I don’t want to talk about it Justin. I’m sick and tired of fighting, I’m sick and tired of being stuck between you and Lindsay. I need a small break.” Zipping up his bag, Brian turned back to Justin and saw the pain in his lover’s eyes. He hated that Justin was in pain, and went over to wrap his arms around his husband. “I just need a little time, Justin. I am tired… just so tired. And it’s not like I would be far… I’m just going to spend a couple days in the cabin. I’ll be right on the property, I’m not leaving.”
“I understand. I just wish you didn’t have to do this.” Justin cried on Brian’s shoulder. He knew that he had been putting Brian in a bad position, but he just couldn’t get past his anger at the situation. He was having a hard time trying to understand what was going on, and where he fit in it all.
Brian lightly kissed Justin on the forehead and grabbed his bag. “I’ll be back in two days max. I love you.” With that Brian walked out of their bedroom to spend a couple of days alone.
As Justin watched his husband walk out the door and begin to follow the path to the cabin, it was if all the air had been sucked out of the room and he’d been left in a vacuum filled with pain. He wanted to run and scream at the man who was stubbornly disappearing into the trees. He wanted to scream at Lindsay who was destroying his life.
Instead he calmly watched the man he loved walk away. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. Hours later, Justin stood up from the floor where he’d been sitting. He got dressed. He decided that he needed to be with someone or he’d go crazy. It wasn’t like Brian was away on a mission. He was just running away from life as usual, instead of facing it like he should and Justin was damn sick of waiting around. He headed off for one of his favorite watering holes. Tonight he needed to get wasted, as childish and immature as that sounded.
Justin found a seat at a table tucked into a corner. It was away from the rest of the crowd. He didn’t need or want to talk to anyone. He had seven empty shot glasses sitting on the table and the room had a decided tilt to it when Chief South and Petty Officer Peters sat down at the table with him. “Trouble in paradise Justin?” South asked.
“Fuck off guys, go play your little navy games with your fearless commander – oh I forgot he’s fucking sulking in his cabin. Fucking coward.” Justin’s words were slurred.
“My, oh my, we do have our panties in a twist.” Emmett said coming up with three beers in his hands. He gave one to Mike and one to Chief South.
“Who invited you?” Justin said as he signaled for another shot. “Fucking Lindsay stole what was mine and now Brian thinks he has to play house with the thieving scheming bitch. He can’t spend enough time there. I mean who sits and waits for him each time he leaves on a mission. Who worries when he’s a minute late? Who makes sure his kit is packed and his fucking shorts are washed? Not that bitch that’s for sure.”
“Are we feeling a teeny tiny bit sorry for ourself?” Emmett asked.
“Why not, don’t I deserve to have the attention of the man I love when he’s at home?” Justin laughed though it sounded more like a sneer. “Apparently not. Apparently I don’t have the right equipment for his majesty. I can’t have his fucking kid, but wonder woman can. Lindsay of the ‘but I’m Brian’s bestest friend since school’ what a crock of shit.” His head went down and hit the table. He began to snore.
“I think I should go find Brian.” South said to the others.
“Justin said he was in his cabin. You know that’s a no trespassing zone.” Peters said.
“But look at him and count the empties. It’s a wonder he doesn’t have alcohol poisoning.” South looked at Justin, worried by the burbling sound of his breathing. “He sounds terrible.”
“Maybe we should get Harry?” Emmett offered.
“Harry and Jennifer left this morning for a weekend at some resort.” Peters said. “Remember?” He and Emmett had helped the couple to load their vehicle that morning.
“Sorry, I forgot.” Emmett looked down at Justin. “His breathing is kind of funny.” He agreed.
“The Commander will kill us if anything happens to him.” South lifted one of Justin’s eye lids only to see white staring back at him. “This can’t be good. Peters you and Emmett take Justin to the hospital. I think he’s having some kind of reaction to whatever he drank. I’m going to get the Commander.”
Emmett and Mike managed to get Justin to his feet though he never regained consciousness and dragged him to their car. “Put him in his own car.” Peters said. “I don’t want him puking in mine.” Justin’s car wasn’t too far away, so Emmett found the keys in the comatose man’s pocket. The hauled him to the car and put him in the backseat.
Meanwhile South had reached the road to the cabin. He drove right up to the front porch. Brian was sitting on the swing, a glass in his hand. “Fuck off South.” He called.
“Commander, don’t give me any grief. Peters and Emmett are taking Justin to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. I just thought you’d want to know. Apparently Justin was right and you don’t give a shit.” South put his car in reverse and began to back out of the driveway.
“Wait for me” Brian yelled. He was trying to run and pull on his boots at the same time. The car stopped and Brian pulled open the door, falling into it as South pulled away. “What happened?” he asked. “Justin was okay when I left.”
“Commander, I don’t want to interfere with your life. I’ve got enough problems with my own, but you letting this old girlfriend of yours run your life is destroying Justin. He’s put his whole heart and soul into being your partner and he feels betrayed and frankly Commander, I don’t blame him. I was wondering how you would feel if it was Daphne who had stolen Justin’s sperm and was doing her damndest to keep the two of you apart.”
“You are out of line Chief. My life is off limits.” Brian’s voice was clipped as he went into Commander mode. “I asked you a question. What is wrong with Justin.”
“Sorry sir” the Chief clipped back. “Justin is suffering from alcohol poisoning and he appears to have had a bad reaction sir. In the future sir, I will deal with Justin and let you handle your private life yourself. Justin is my friend and he needed help sir.” As he spoke the last words, he pulled into the hospital parking lot. Brian glared at him as he got out. He realized that he’d gone too far, but he didn’t have the time to apologize.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Lindsay was due within the next month, and Brian had been feeling torn between what he wanted and what he felt he had to do. Although he had moved back into the house to be with Justin, he wasn’t sure if things were better or worse. They had been trying to pretend that everything was okay between them, but Brian knew that it wasn’t. The tension was thick, and Brian wasn’t sure what would happen once his son was born.
Not that it mattered much now anyway, Brian was being called out which put everything on hold. Luckily he had at least two hours before he had to report so that would allow him to check in quickly with Lindsay to make sure she was alright. “How long will you be gone?” Justin asked Brian as he watched his husband put his bag into the trunk of the Stingray.
“I don’t know. I hope that I will be here when Gus is born.” Brian stated, picking up his gun bag and placing it beside his small sea bag. “I’ll let you know.”
“Okay. I’ll be here when you get home.” Justin informed Brian. “Will you be going to see Lindsay?”
Brian shook his head, and leaned against the car. “What is it with you and Lindsay? Are you upset that she’s having my baby? Key word here, and I hope you caught it, is my? Are you pissed that it’s not ours?”
“I’m upset because she betrayed us, that she did this without our consent!” Justin raised his arms in the air and let them fall to his side. “Yes, I am a little upset that it isn’t OUR child, but it wouldn’t make a difference if it was or not. The fact of the matter is she stole from us.”
“From me, Justin. From me. It was my sperm, and I was able to give them another sample so we could go through with the procedure, so it’s not like it caused us any problems.” Brian tried to explain. He never could understand why Justin was so angry. He felt that since it was his sperm, he should be the only one upset about it. And yes, he was upset, but he knew what he had to do. “It’s not like I would go and live with her and Gus… hell, Melanie wouldn’t allow that… so what’s the fucking problem?”
“We’ll talk about this when you get home. You better go so you can say good-bye to Linds.” Justin normally didn’t try to avoid a talk with Brian, but he wasn’t sure what his problem was. Yes, he felt betrayed, but he knew that Brian figured that Justin had no actual right to feel that way. The last thing he wanted was to try and get into it now, not when Brian was going away.
Brian shook his head and stood; grabbing his bag he threw it in the trunk and slammed it. “I will not be my father, Justin. I will not have a child go through what I did growing up. No child of mine will EVER think that I didn’t want them, that I don’t love them. I know what it’s like and I will not have any child go through that. NEVER. You’re forcing me to choose between my kid) and you. I won’t be put in that position. So I suggest you get your head out of your ass and figure out what you want. Decide what you want out of me, cause one way or another, this will be settled when I get back.”
Justin glared at Brian. “I never said you had to choose between me and that slut of a friend of yours. All I’m saying is that she is not now, nor will she ever be, welcome in my home and Brian this is my home as much as yours. Your child is a different thing. I can’t blame the kid just because his mother is a slut and a thief. It’s an unfortunate part of his life. He’ll learn soon enough what she’s like. By all means be the perfect daddy. But if you think you’re going to be playing fucking house with Lindsay as mommy and you as daddy, then YOU had better get your priorities straight.
Brian got in the car and sped down the driveway, leaving Justin standing there to absorb his words. For the first time in their marriage there was no good bye kiss, no fond farewell; just two stubborn men who were fighting for what they thought was right. All Justin could do was watch as his husband drove away from him, tears streaming down his face.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian was barely able to see as he drove down the road toward Lindsay’s house. His eyes were filled with unshed tears and his heart was heavy. At the last moment he made a decision. He could always let Lindsay know later that he was going out on a mission. Justin was right; he was his spouse, not Lindsay. Instead he turned toward Daphne’s apartment. He prayed she’d be home; he didn’t have much time before he had to be at the base.
“Daphne” he shouted up at her window after ringing the intercom and not getting an answer.
“Brian what the fuck do you want?” Daphne said from behind him. She had a bag of groceries in her hand and was obviously returning from the market. “Frankly I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“Daphne, I want you to talk to Justin. He has to understand where I’m coming from. I just want to be part of my son’s life.”
“Brian, for the tenth time, Justin has nothing against you being part of his son’s life. What he doesn’t like is this never ending playing husband to Lindsay. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Twice you missed dinner because Lindsay had to have some kind of special food. You forgot Justin’s birthday because Lindsay had a back ache. You’ve come home from missions three times and gone directly to Lindsay’s place. You might as well be married to her and I don’t blame Justin one damn bit for being pissed.” She unlocked her door. “Do you realize what that man has sacrificed to be your husband? And not once has he complained. Not once has he made you feel bad about what’s he given up to devote his life to you. To make Lieutenant Commander Brian Fucking Kinney feel good when he’s down. To make your life smooth and easy.”
“Yes he feels betrayed. Yes he feels like he’s had something stolen from him. Yes he feels like you don’t love him anymore. Can you blame him? Who do you put first now? Is it Justin? No it is NOT. You put Lindsay ahead of him every time – and news flash Brian. Women have been having babies for a lot of years and Lindsay has a partner who is perfectly capable of looking after her. She’s having a smooth and easy pregnancy, she doesn’t need you at her beck and call. But she wants you there, she wants to drive you and Justin apart because then she can imagine she’s Mrs. Kinney which is what she’s wanted since grade school.” Daphne stepped through the door and blocked Brian from following her. “Go play your little war games and don’t forget to kiss your wanna be wife goodbye, because I bet you didn’t kiss Justin you no good shit.” She slammed the door in his face leaving Brian standing on the step open mouthed.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
16 May 2016
Justin,
What can I say right now. I’m so lost, so fucking lost. There is no one anymore, no one who sees what I’m trying to do. I am not trying to be a husband to Lindsay. I’m fucking not. I’ve had a long talk with Linds, and with Mel. But of course you didn’t want to hear it… none of you did. You just don’t understand. I am NOT choosing her over you. And for fuck’s sake Justin, do you really have everyone convinced that this pregnancy is easy? Have you ever ASKED me what the doctor has told me!? NO… of course not. Cause you hate Linds so much that you don’t want to know what is going on with MY life.
Well FUCK YOU, Justin.
It is official, I have lost everyone I have ever cared about. The only one left is Gus. Hopefully he won’t turn away from me too. Deb has been non-stop. Yelling, screaming… fuck! Emmett completely ignores me, Michael, and Ben… well ask them what happened at the club the other night. If you get this… tell them I’m sorry I decked them. That was a little off the top.
I’m a drunk, I’m an abusive drunk. Why do you think I have been away so much. It’s not been because I’ve been spending all this time with Lindsay like you seem to fucking think! I’ve been at the damn bars getting drunk off my ass cause frankly I can’t stand to go home and have everyone fucking call me a piece of shit. Truth time Justin. Truth. Yes I have gone over to spend time with Lindsay… but Mel has ALWAYS been there. Always. I have never, except maybe a couple of times been alone with Linds. Did you even want to know that I had papers drawn up to give Gus to Mel? Did you ask!?
No, cause we don’t talk anymore. We don’t do anything anymore except fight. Should I have told you this… most likely. But I didn’t. Just like I didn’t tell you that Mel told me flat out that if I treat Linds like shit, then she will make sure that I NEVER see Gus. She will take my son away from me. So what am I supposed to do?
I’m trying, Justin. I’m trying to do the right thing… for you, for me. That’s why I told Mel I’d sign over my rights to her. I know you don’t want me around Linds, and truthfully I don’t either, but how else am I going to see my son? I can’t avoid her?
Ohhh and let’s not forget the shit I’m getting from my team. What’s scary, is that I’m not even sure if I can trust them to guard my back. They are behind you one thousand percent. I’m the evil one. The villain. It’s not me, Justin… it’s MEL. And Lindsay. I can’t count her out. I know that. But dammit what do you want me to do?
All I have been hearing these past couple of months is Justin. Poor Justin… how can you do this to Justin. Has anyone ever asked me how I felt? No.
Why do I even bother? You know what… when I get back from this mission… I’m just going to go. I have a month’s leave time coming up… I’m just going to go. Fuck everyone, and everything. Just hop on a plan and leave. Whether or not I’ll be back is unknown. I just can’t do this anymore, Justin. I can’t. Understand that?
I do love you, Justin, and I’m sorry that being with me has fucked you over. I never ONCE wanted you to give things up because of me. But dammit, it was your choice. I have tried and tried to get you to do things, but you never did. Why? Cause you had to be near me. Screw that. I tried to get you to go to New York, but no. I tried everything I could think of to let you have your life, but you wouldn’t do that. So why is Daphne making me out to be the devil? Why is she blaming ME because you didn’t follow your dreams? It’s not my fucking fault!
You know what… never mind. I’m gone. I have to try and concentrate on this mission, hope that my team will actually listen to me and watch out for me. And when I get back, let’s hope that a month away will get things right in my mind, cause babe, right now… I’m a complete mess.
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
May 21st, 2016
“Daphne” Justin sobbed. “I need you.” he continued to cry.
“Justin, what’s wrong?” Daphne had visions of Brian being killed.
“Brian, he’s going to leave me and all because of that fucking Lindsay.” Justin wailed.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
17 May 2016
Justin,
Christ what was I thinking? Was I even thinking? I don’t think so. I was drunk, plastered really. I wrote you this letter last night and put it in the mail. I’m soo sorry, Justin. I never meant to say any of that shit. I hope you can forgive me.
I guess I am my father after all. I hope you can forgive me one day, cause Justin… I can’t live without you. I can’t.
Do you realize that our anniversary is coming up? Yet another year I am going to miss. I’m sorry… I really am. Please, forgive me.
I love you, my Avalon
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian had been gone for half an hour when Justin realized he couldn’t send his husband off on a mission with bad words between them. Once again he would have to swallow his pride and apologize, despite what he felt and worse yet; he’d have to make Brian believe what he was saying. Brian had no doubt headed for Lindsay’s place, so Justin grabbed his car keys and headed off to intercept his husband.
He pulled into Lindsay’s driveway just as she walked out of the house. “Where is Brian” he demanded.
“How would I know?” Lindsay snapped back. “You know Justin I’m getting a little tired of your attitude.”
“Well Miss Peters, I’m more than tired of yours. You’ve systematically set out to destroy my marriage. Can you blame me for not liking it?” Justin started to back out of her driveway. He had to find Brian.
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Like fuck you didn’t mean to. That might work with Brian, but hon I see right through you. You stole something that wasn’t for you. You stole my chance for a child.”
“Brian said he made another deposit.”
“I’m glad the two of you have lots of MY life to discuss. Well for your information, Brian isn’t interested at the moment in having yet another baby around. So where the fuck does that leave me? You are forcing me to once again give up part of my life for my husband. And you know what you bitch. I’ll do it because I love him. If you really loved him you would never have stolen what is mine and put him in this position. And I’ll tell you something else cow. If anything happens to Brian on this mission I’ll sue your ass for custody of Gus and I’ll be able to prove that you stole the sperm in the first place. I’ve kept everything and I have a sworn statement from the clinic as well.” With that said ,Justin backed out of the drive and roared off in the direction of the base. He had to find Brian.
Brian looked out the window of the plane. He rarely took a window seat but this time it was the last one left. He had tried to call Lindsay and then with Daphne’s words still ringing in his ears, he’d tried to call Justin. He couldn’t reach either of them. His heart was heavy as the plane began to prepare for taxiing down the runway. Movement caught his eye. It was Justin by the fence. He could barely make him out, but he saw that Justin was trying to tell him something. What - he didn’t know. He figured they would have time to talk when he got back, after everything calmed down a little. Once he returned they would get everything out in the open. With the picture of Justin standing by the fence in his mind, Brian sat back as the plane speeded down the runway.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Justin sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window at Mel and Lindsay’s apartment building. He couldn’t believe how pissed he was at that moment. He couldn’t believe he had missed so much of what Brian was going through. Of course, Brian should have told him, but the man was just too pigheaded to even bother to explain.
As much as he wanted to place all the blame on Brian for their current situation, he knew he couldn’t. There was enough blame to go around. Deb, Em, his parents, Brian’s team, Mikey, Ben, Daph… him. But no one was more to blame then Melanie and Lindsay. They had worked things out perfectly for themselves, and Justin now armed with the final pieces of the puzzle, was ready to fight for what was his. Once this was all said and done, Justin planned on using Brian’s month long leave to fix the mess they had made of their marriage. They would come out of this on top.
“Are you sure you want to do this now?” Daphne asked knowing full well that Justin was angrier than any other moment in his life. She had never seen him this pissed. She had tried to talk him into taking a day to think about things, but Justin wouldn’t listen. He had knocked on her door and forced her out of the house, only telling her that she was there to keep him from killing someone.
“If I don’t do this now, Daph, I’m going to be even angrier. Trust me… it’s now or never. They have played with my life too long, and it time they get a little dose of reality before Gus is born.” Justin opened the door and stormed to the door, with Daphne right on his heals. Knocking on the door, Justin didn’t wait for it to completely open when he went straight into the living room. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” he yelled, holding the letter from Brian in his hand.
“Who the hell do you think you are coming into our home and bitching at us?” Mel asked standing with her hands on her hips. “If I were you, I would get out of here before I call the cops.”
“Call the cops, I don’t care. I will have them arrest the two of you for stealing and blackmail!” Justin yelled. He saw Lindsay come out of the bedroom and just glared at her. “You… you call yourself a friend? You call yourself Brian’s friend and you do this shit to him? Do you have ANY idea what your crap has done to him? Do you even care?”
“What are you talking about? I don’t have to discuss this with you, what goes on between Brian and I is my business not yours.” Lindsay told Justin as she moved to stand beside Mel.
Justin felt Daphne come up beside him, and lightly place a hand on his arm. He wanted to shake it off, but knew that at that moment it was his only connection to the real world. “You purposely stole Brian’s sperm, and made us all think that you only did it so you could get in his pants. That’s not right is it? Cause Brian sure as hell found out soon enough. Did you even give him a chance to be happy about being a father or did you destroy his dreams at the moment the doctor confirmed it?”
“Look here, Justin. You have no right to come here and make these accusations. I suggest if you have a problem you talk them over with your HUSBAND.” Mel cursed, forcing the last word out of her mouth like it was venom.
“You stole Brian’s sperm so that the two of you could live happily ever after with a baby. Of course you had to use Brian’s sperm because with his job, you know he won’t be around that much. Hell he might even die and that would give his son a lot of special privileges. Now isn’t that convenient. Did you have him put Gus on his life insurance policy, or did you make him take another one out?” Justin took a step forward toward the two women he hated more than anything else in his life. “You keep him around, and his money by telling him that if he doesn’t ,he can’t see Gus… and of course since you, Lindsay know all about his fears and sadness over his own childhood, you knew you could play that card, didn’t you?
“And let’s not forget that as soon as Gus is born, after you already have all the paperwork in order to get everything he has worked hard to make, you will make him sign over his son to you.” Justin could only see red; only feel the hot burning hatred fill his blood. “Oh and isn’t it an added bonus that the two of you have worked so hard to try and destroy what Brian and I had; You would come to me, and tell me all these stories about how Brian was always around, always a ‘good’ father. What a sack of shit!”
“You have no proof of anything you are saying.” Mel said. “It wouldn’t hold up in court. It would be your words against ours.”
“True, but let me tell you this. If you continue to fuck with my husband and what’s mine, you will pay. I will take Gus, and make sure you will never see him again.” With that Justin stormed out of the house. He knew that if he was there any longer he would put that child in danger, cause he would beat the living daylights out of the women.
Daphne sat in the driver’s seat and took a deep breath. “I really don’t know how they could do that. How could they even think they could get away with it. And to do that to you!”
“They did it to Brian and by default me. We all let Brian down, Daph. I won’t let it happen again. Yes, he let me down, but not as much as I did him.” Justin knew he couldn’t confront the others about their treatment of his husband and their ‘help’ in placing him and Brian where they were now. The main problem was his and Brian’s inability to open up. Somewhere along the way they had failed one another. Justin knew that when Brian came back, they would have to make things right. He couldn’t live without Brian. He wouldn’t.
~~***~~~***~~~***
Present day – June 2016
“Commander?” Brian heard through the haze that was surrounding him. “It’s going to be okay, sir. We’re taking you home.”
“Justin?” Brian asked, his voice horse, raw and quiet. “Paper, please.” He was lucky that it was members of his own team, at least from what he could make out. They would understand the strange request. He felt a pen slip into his hand, as a piece of paper was laid beside him on the small cot he was on. He could hear the sound of airplane engines, knowing that finally the hell was over with. He was heading home. With a shaky hand, Brian began to write a simple message, knowing that his husband would get it, that it would be delivered without question.
‘Justin. I made it. Will see you soon. B’
Brian carefully folded the letter and closed his eyes. He needed to get some rest before he saw Justin again. He didn’t want Justin to see him like this, sick and weak. He needed rest so that he could come home to Justin the way he always did; with a smile on his face, arms wide open, and the call that he was home. Back home to Justin, where he belonged.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
End of Chapter eighteen
