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Chapter Sixteen
Present time June 2016
Brian woke and looked around. Things seemed a little clearer to him, not much, but a little. He knew that it wouldn’t last long however. Seeing the others in the cave asleep except for the watchman, Brian slowly got up. “Sir,” the man on watch asked.
“They won’t be coming here. I need to find a radio or something.” Brian stated, his voice quiet and strained. He was tired, he still couldn’t take a full breath without going into a coughing fit. Despite his current limitations, he knew he had to get them out of there. If he stayed there much longer he knew he wouldn’t be going back, he would fail in his promise to Justin.
“You can’t go, sir. You’re sick.”
“If I don’t go, we’ll all die here. Now, stay here, and keep watch. I’ll be back in two hours.” With that said, Brian made his way out of the cave. He hoped he could make it to the old check-point area his team had used on the way to this mission. He knew roughly where they were when he looked at the map. He hoped that their old hide out hadn’t been ransacked yet, and there was still the small radio they had hidden. It would take a full hour just to get there, a route that should take only 30 minutes, but Brian knew he wasn’t in the best shape.
He had to get the radio, contact someone, and get back hopefully with the radio in tow. If he could do that, and survive the trip, Brian knew that they would get home. He could only pray that this wouldn’t be his last mission, that he wouldn’t collapse on the way either to the hideout or back. All he knew was that his lungs felt like they were on fire, and he wanted to get home.
With a picture of Justin laying beside the pool they had installed, Brian began to make his way to the radio and hopefully help.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Present time 2016
“Dad?” Justin turned at the sound of his father coming into his studio. Harry was the only other person other than Brian who had a key.
“How are you holding up son?” Truthfully Harry had taken Brian’s MIA almost as hard as Justin. Justin could see that the older man had aged since they had first heard the news.
“About the same as you.” Justin said with a rueful grin. “Brian is missing, he isn’t dead.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Spain 2014-January
“Is your mom all settled in?” Brian asked as he was laying in the bed waiting for Justin to come out of the bathroom.
“Yeah, she loves the place. I guess it’s a good thing we found a place close by.” Justin yelled back to his husband as he finished getting ready for bed. He was happy that he had finally gotten the cast off of his foot, and could move around better. He was still a little tender, but he knew that it would be for a while yet. “She said she’ll come for dinner on Saturday. I was thinking we could have a cook-out.”
“Justin, it’s March. It’s cold outside.” Brian shook his head, knowing that if Justin wanted a cook-out they would have one. “Maybe we need to look into getting a damn greenhouse or something.”
“That would be cool. Heated, and with the feel of summer all year round.” Justin laughed climbing on top of Brian. “We could make love outside during the winter without fear of getting frostbite.”
“Now that would be worth the extra cost.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
May 2014
Brian walked through the p-ways of the carrier, heading toward the Command Deck. His team had just arrived with their ‘load’ and the Captain immediately wanted a status report. Coming aboard this ship was a last minute decision as the small transport they were on had lost the majority of their fuel. Once he reached the door, Brian opened it and walked in. He spotted the Captain of the ship standing with the XO and the CAG in a heated discussion. “Lieutenant Kinney reporting as ordered.” Brian stated standing at attention before the CO. He was still dressed in his black fatigues, and would occasionally catch a look from some of the men and women on the deck. He figured it wasn’t often that they saw a SEAL team in full gear with mud and grime caked against their skin.
“Lieutenant, would you mind telling me what the hell you’re doing here, and why I suddenly have 7 people in my med deck.” The CO stated.
Brian tried not to roll his eyes. He hated the Captains of the ships they went to, every one of them thinking that they had to know everything. Brian loved knocking them down a couple of places, shoving it in their faces that they had no command over him. “This was the closest ship, sir. We were low on fuel, and you were here. Any other details would of course have to be discussed with Admiral William Smith, and once I debrief with the Admiral, I can try to answer any other questions you may have, sir.”
Brian could see the angered look in the Captain’s eyes, hating that this Lieutenant was telling him that he was basically nothing in front of his crew. Brian knew that he should have asked the Captain to a private corner, but he was tired and all he wanted to do was debrief and relax. He was missing his and Justin’s anniversary, and he’d be dammed if he missed the call home to his husband because of some Captain with a bug up his ass. “Is there a place where my men and I can debrief and bunk up, sir?” Brian knew he had just made another enemy. He figured that it was just one more to add to the growing list.
“I’ll let you know, Lieutenant. I need to verify with Admiral Smith that you are who you say you are.” The Captain stated dismissing Brian. Brian stood at attention and turned to leave the bridge. He really hated ship Captains.
Brian found his men gathered in a corner in the plane holding bay. “Well boys, it looks like unless we can get a plane and get the fuck out of here, we’re sleeping right where we are.” Brian stated as he sat down next to Chief South. He was grateful that he had both Peters and South in his unit, their bond only growing over their time with the SEALs, that Brian knew he wouldn’t want anyone else in his unit. Chief South had been the best second in command that Brian could ever hope for. “The Admiral said he would talk to that asshole up on the bridge, but we’ll see.”
“Captain not too pleased with having some hot shot SEALs on his ship?” Peters asked with a small smile playing on his face.
“Nah.. why would he. He already has Marines on here, plus those damn flyboys. Now not only is he graced with our fine presence, but we came bearing some damn Army Musicians. I’d hate us too.” Stevenson, the youngest of the unit stated. “Hell, we’re lucky that they don’t throw us overboard for that alone.”
Brian shook his head, knowing that the young seaman was most likely right. It wasn’t easy for someone in command to have to step aside and let someone else make the decisions for them. Luckily Brian knew that he could trust his fellow SEALs to make the right decision, it was all the other Naval personnel that he wasn’t sure about. “All I know is that if they don’t let me use the phone by morning… they will have one pissed off blond on their hands.”
South shook his head. “That’s what happens when you aren’t there for the anniversaries. Keep that in mind Stevenson.”
“Yeah, don’t ever get married.” Peters laughed.
Brian lay back, resting his head on his backpack, and closed his eyes. “Well, I for one wouldn’t change a minute of it. Someone wake me up when they let us in to see our wards… or better yet, when they let me use the damn phone.”
“Yes, sir,” was the reply. Brian just lay there wishing he was anywhere besides this damn ship in the middle of the Atlantic. He wished he was with his husband in bed… in the hot tub… anything besides there. Of course what Brian wanted directly after talking to Justin was a nice hot shower and a change of clothes. Two more weeks before he was home. It sucked to be him.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian spent the greater part of an hour trying to get various statements from the members of the army band. He was finally almost done, as he stepped up next to South who was talking to some damn violin player. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what else happened. The next thing any of us knew we were in some truck moving to the compound.” The man stated.
Brian looked the man over, and tried not to roll his eyes. Although the man’s hair was slightly longer than regulations, Brian could see the remains of hair gel in his hair. The dirt and dead leaves were sticking to it like glue. “You didn’t see who attacked you? You didn’t see anything?” Brian asked not sure he could believe the man or not. He didn’t seem like the most intelligent person, but Brian knew that if the stories from the other men were correct, then it would be hard to miss.
“I told your friend here that I didn’t see anything. I was preoccupied at the moment, trying to fix my violin. It was damaged during transport, and I wanted to make sure it was okay to play.”
South looked down at the man on the bed in shock. “Boy, don’t you know who you’re talking to? Don’t you see the bars on his collar? I know they are black, and it’s hard to see against the black uniform, but you are talking to a Lieutenant in the U.S. Navy SEALs… you will give him the respect he deserves.” Chief South stated.
The musician was smart enough to look scared. “I apologize sir. I didn’t know. With everyone that’s come in here, trying to find out things… It won’t happen again, sir.”
Brian only nodded as he felt a hand on his shoulder. “The phone will be available for your use at 2100 hours, as per the Captain, LT.” One of his men informed him.
Brian nodded his thanks as he reached up and ran his hand through his hair. He was tired, and only wanted to crawl into the rack they were now being provided. “Forget to do something sir?” Chief South asked.
Brian looked down trying to figure out what he was talking about when he noticed that something was missing on his right wrist, and left ring finger. “Fuck. Don’t tell Justin I forgot. He’d kill me.”
“I’d never do that, sir.” South said with a smile, letting Brian know that the first chance he got, Brian was in trouble.
“Asshole.” Brian cursed shaking his head.
“That’s an interesting design,” the man on the rack stated, dragging Brian’s attention to him. “I know someone who has a bracelet like that once.”
“Really?” Brian asked the man, suddenly curious as to what this piece of slime knew. “I’m sure it’s a popular design.” Brian stated knowing full well that the statement was false.
“No, he told me that it was one of a kind… I guess he was lying. Of course we were kinda busy when he told me, so maybe he was wrong. But then again he did state something about there being one other out there. Justin was always such a romantic, I guess that’s what I love about him.”
Brian tried to stop the sudden rage that began to burn within him, making him want to rip this asshole’s throat out. “Let me guess. Ian? Yeah, it has to be you. Justin never told me the slime’s last name, but… yeah, he did mention you. Told me that you weren’t worth a red cent.” Brian told the violin player before heading out of the room.
“Sir?” Chief South asked as he came up beside Brian as they made their way down to their quarters. “Who is that?”
“It seems that I just met my husband’s ex. Ian… totally treated Justin like shit. I just want to know why Justin didn’t tell me that he had seen the shit recently.” Brian thought to himself out loud. “It seems that my little blond has been keeping secrets from me.”
“It would seem so, LT. What do you want us to do with Ian.. Sergeant Gold?”
“I know what I would like to do to the fucker, but… if we run into each other then so be it. It’s a small ship, Chief, I can’t avoid him, and I sure as hell don’t want him to think that I’m afraid of him. I know who Justin chose, as long as he doesn’t try to play some game with me… he’ll make it back to land alive. If he tries to fuck with me, tries to ‘convince’ me that Justin’s sleeping with him behind my back… all bets are off. Ian will never be parted from his violin when I get my hands on him.” Brian informed his Chief as he stepped into their quarters. “I guess I can get three hours of sleep before I have a little chat with my little ‘wifey’.” He laughed
“Night, sir. I’ll make sure you’re up for your call.”
Brian heard the Chief leave the room as he pulled a small box out of his bag and crawled onto the top rack. Placing the ring and bracelet back on his body, Brian closed his eyes. He needed to get the sudden images of his love and this slimy piece of shit out of his head. The last thing he wanted was to bring up Ian to Justin today. When he got to him, then he would have to ask Justin about it.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
21 May 2014
Justin,
Let’s see, where to start today. First off, I guess I could say that it has been an interesting 3 years. Fuck, who would have thought that three years have gone past since we stood on that beach at our home in Baja and said I do. Fuck! It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, then again there are days that make it seem like it’s been a thousand years.
I miss you, and I wish I was there with you today. I wish I could take you in my arms and make love to you, but instead of doing that, I’m stuck here in the middle of the ocean hating life. I want to hijack a damn plane and fly there, but since that’s one of the things I don’t know how to do, I guess I’m stuck here. I hope you’re behaving yourself, and not sitting around being depressed. I do enough of that for the both of us so you can’t.
Now there is one thing that is bothering me though, and I don’t think I’ll be able to drop it until I get my answers. I saw your ex today. In fact he was one of those damn army brats we had to rescue. I wonder if I had known that one’s last name was Gold, and two if I had known he was one of the ones I was rescuing, if I would have. Would I have wanted to save him?
The scary thing is I don’t know. I would like to think that my training would make me do it, that I would be able to put aside the jealousy I feel toward him aside and do the right thing. I can’t say that though. Cause, I tell you Justin… I want to rip his fucking balls off and shove them down his throat. I may not know everything that happened during your time with him, but he had hurt you at one time. You had cared about him, and knowing you as I do, you put your all into that relationship. I wanted to kill him for hurting you so bad you didn’t see anyone for two years. That tells me the wound was deep.
But needless to say I did the right thing, he was ‘saved’. He did have some words for me, though. He wants me to think that the two of you are still seeing each other. I know he’s trying to get to me, and the sad thing is that he did. The last I knew, you hadn’t seen him since long before we met. I would have thought he was full of shit, but then he mentioned the bracelet. When did you see him, Justin? Why didn’t you tell me? Did it make me doubt us for a couple of minutes? Yes. He got to me. He’s everything that I could see you being with. He’s talented, vaguely good looking, I guess. I wouldn’t fuck him but hey… I’m sure he has something that guys find sexy. He’s smart, and from what I can see, romantic. Everything that I can see you with. Plus I’m sure with his music background, he would fit right into the country club circle.
So unlike me. Well I know I’m better looking than him, most likely smarter than him too… but what do I do? Who am I? I’m a SEAL, a killer. Yes, I do some good. I rescue people, and try to protect this country and the men/women who serve. But Jesus… he’s more the type I can see them accepting.
So why did you not tell me about running into him? When did you? It had to have been since we met, since that Christmas four years ago. So why didn’t you tell me?
Now do you see why I am jealous? Do you see why I might actually humor the thought of the two of you… Christ I can’t even think that. You wouldn’t do that, but it’s still planted in my mind now.
I guess all I need right now, most of all, is to see you. Hold you. I need to know that what I’m thinking isn’t right. I need to know that you love me. Pitiful I know, but I can’t help it. I’m insecure, still after all this time. Nothing will change that.
I love you, Justin, with everything that I am.
My Avalon, my heart and soul. Take away these images.
Brian.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Happy Anniversary, Pretty boy.” Brian said into the phone as soon as the connection was made. He had taken a chance that Justin would be in his studio, knowing that it was the most likely place. Although Brian had hoped that Justin would be out having a good time with the family, he knew his husband would be hard at work in his safe haven.
“Brian! Where are you? When are you coming home?” Justin asked thrilled to be able to just hear Brian’s voice. Hearing Brian always brought a smile to his face, it confirmed everyone’s belief that Brian was well. Justin had always tried to be strong, tried to pretend that it didn’t kill him with worry every time Brian went out, but he knew that everyone could tell. Luckily they never told Brian this. He tried to be strong for Brian, but he was sure the other man could tell, at least in part. Brian would never know the extent of his pain, Justin couldn’t allow that.
“Right now, I’m in the middle of the damn Atlantic, trying to convince the Captain of the ship to loan me a fighter so I can come home.” Brian laughed. “He seems to think that I’m not qualified. I mean, how hard would it be to fly one of those?”
“Brian,” Justin laughed. “I miss you, today especially.” Justin slipped out without meaning too. He silently cursed himself for allowing it to happen.
“I miss you too. But I have news for you.” Brian began, deciding that his questions would have to wait until he got home… or if Justin brought it up. “I saw your ex today… saved his sorry little ass.”
Justin was silent on the other end. That was one confrontation that he had hoped would never happened. He knew what an ass his ex was, how stuck up Ethan could be. “Ethan?”
“Yeah, good ol’ Ian is a character. I really don’t know what you saw in him Justin.” Brian stated, shaking his head. That was one of the things that had been bothering him since he had laid eyes on the other man. He saw who Justin had loved before him, and tried to picture it. HE couldn’t… but it did bring up what Justin’s type was. “At least your tastes have improved.”
“I can’t believe he’s there… and you rescued him? Why?” Justin asked. Realizing what he had said, Justin shook his head. “I mean, he didn’t try anything with you, did he? He can be a major pain in the ass, stuck up, pig headed… He is still alive isn’t he?” Justin asked as the reality of the situation hit him. He could see Ethan causing a huge ruckus, and he could see his ex trying to get to Brian. He only hoped for Brian’s sake that the man was able to keep his temper in check.
“Still lives. Not for lack of my wanting to.” Brian shook his head. He had wanted to do great bodily harm to the little fiddle fuck, but had refrained. If he hadn’t been an officer he would have. “He had some choice words to say, I said thank-you and left him alone.”
Justin groaned into the phone. He could just imagine what Ethan had to say about anything. “Let me guess, he tried to convince you that we were seeing each other?”
“How’d you guess? Amongst other things… let’s just say he’s lucky. But can we not talk about him. I miss you, and talking about Ian is not what I had in mind.” Brian decided that he really wanted to do other things besides bring up the doubt and pain he had felt with Ethan’s words. The man had touched on the fears that Brian lived with every day, every second. All he needed at that moment was reassurance that he was the one that Justin wanted, not Ian.
“Can I say one more thing about him and then that’s all?”
“If you have to.” Brian sighed.
“Now, stick your bottom lip in. I don’t want any of the guys on the ship to see you sulking. I just wanted to tell you to be careful of him. He’s probably pissed because the one and only time I saw him since we’ve been married; well let’s just say Emmett was with me and caused enough of a scene at the Army commissary that Ethan was taken away by two very burly MP’s.” Justin laughed remembering. “Note to both of us, don’t piss Emmett off where he can throw a hissy, he is the best drama queen ever.”
Brian felt better hearing Justin’s words. “Do I want to know what happened?”
“It’s probably better if you don’t. But trust me, I won’t be going over the Army commissary any time soon.”
“Well he isn’t winning any brownie points with me or my team.” Brian drawled. Justin felt a chill.
“Brian, don’t do anything to him you’ll get into trouble for. He really isn’t worth it. Besides, despite what he might tell you, I never loved him, I never even hinted that I loved him. He was just a fuck, and not that great a one.” Justin’s tone of voice changed.
“I have this amazing Navy Boy who gives the best head in the world.”
“Is he cute, will I meet him?”
“He’s better than cute. He’s devastatingly handsome and he has the sweetest smile after we make love.”
“He does not.”
“Hmmm, yes he does. His face goes all soft and his eyes twinkle and he looks so peaceful.”
“I definitely have to meet this guy.” Brian teased. He twisted in his seat. His cock was rock hard. “Look Pretty boy, I have to go but I should be home soon. Give Marilyn a call, she’ll probably know better than me when I’m coming home.”
“So you discovered my secret?” Justin said with a laugh. “I guess I’m losing my edge.”
“Or I’m sharpening mine.” Brian paused to see if anyone was listening. “go deo mo tearrman.”
“As you are mine forever.” Justin breathed into the phone.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Well, well, if it isn’t our savior.” Ethan stated as he saw Brian standing on the fantail. “I should thank-you for coming to our rescue. I’m sure that Justin will be thrilled… I mean that there are no hard feelings between us. Maybe we can even be friends.”
Brian shook his head and let out a small laugh. This damn fiddler was definitely getting on his nerves and fast. He kept repeating Justin’s words in his mind, and he promised to try and not hurt the little grease pit, but it was hard. “So how were the MP’s?” Brian asked, not even turning to face the Army Sergeant. Brian looked out at the rear of the ship, watching the dolphins play in the wake of the ship. He wished he had Justin’s talent to draw. He stopped paying attention to his guest, thinking about his husband, and wondering how he could get a picture of this for Justin. He felt a hand on his arm, forcing Brian out of his thoughts. “What?! You’re still here?”
“Justin would love that scene wouldn’t he? He was always very talented, still is. What he can do with his hands…” Ethan began.
Brian took a deep breath, and felt his hand tighten as the cigarette started to burn his flesh. “Look, you don’t know shit about Justin, and you don’t know shit about me. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave me the fuck alone. Understand, Sergeant?” Not wanting to be around the shit any longer for fear of what he might do, Brian turned and left.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Justin stood at the end of the pier waiting with the rest of the families as the sailors started to disembark from the carrier. This was the first time he had actually done something like this, and he finally realized what it felt like to be a true Navy spouse. The happiness was contagious. Justin waited until he finally saw a group of Army men walk carefully down the gangplank. He tried not to laugh realizing that they were not used to ‘sea legs’. He looked at the faces as they passed, hoping to avoid Ethan at all costs.
Not seeing him, he felt a sudden fear in the pit of his stomach. Not for Ethan, but for his husband. He hoped Brian didn’t do anything. Brian didn’t need the trouble. When the team reached him, Justin felt Brian’s arms go around him as his feet left the ground. “Happy to see me, Navy Boy?” he laughed as Brian started to twirl him around.
“You better believe it, Pretty boy. Let’s go home so I can show you how much.” Brian purred in his lover’s ear.
“Ummm. Brian?” Justin asked pulling away a little to look into Brian’s eyes. “What did you do to Ethan? I didn’t see him come off the ship.”
Brian shrugged and laughed. “I have no idea. One minute he was there, the next… ask these guys. I think they had something to do with it, but they’re not saying.”
“Chief?” Justin asked once his feet were firmly planted on the ground again. “Tell me you didn’t do anything to Ethan.”
“That fiddle fuck? He’s still alive… cold but alive.” Peter’s joked. “See ya boss. Justin.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing that any good SEAL wouldn’t do. We were nice about it, really.” South began to explain, hoping to defend what they had done. “I’m sure once they find him in the closet they will send him back.”
“Yeah. How often does the plane land in Antarctica? Isn’t that a one year tour, with supply planes every six months?” Another member of the team stated. “Hey, don’t fuck with our LT, and you’ll be alright.”
“Brian? Tell me you didn’t know.”
Brian laughed at his team’s antics. “Well at least they didn’t send him over the fantail. If I had known of course, I would have told you not to do that.” Brian looked over at his second in command, with a smile on his lips.
“That’s why we didn’t tell you, LT. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Have a great late Anniversary.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian threw his kit bag in the back of the Stingray and held out his hand for the keys. Justin grinned and gave them to him. “I love it when you drive.” He admitted. “It’s so high school, kids in love kind of thing in this car.”
“Have I been gone that long Justin that you’re hallucinating again.” Brian smirked. He opened Justin’s door for him and then pushed him against the car for a deep and penetrating kiss. “Nothing High School about that kiss pretty boy.” He whispered before claiming another kiss.
Justin laughed softly. “Maybe not in your high school.” He teased as he slipped inside the car and fastened his seatbelt.
Brian just laughed out loud at that comment and got into the car. “Hey that was pretty nice that you remembered Henderson’s birthday. So far you’ve managed to have something for each of the guys when we’re away. You’re going to have to tell me how you do that sometime.”
“What can I say, you married the perfect guy.” Justin smirked. He liked to be able to make the guys in Brian’s team feel that someone cared about them and what they were doing. He thought it was important for all of them.
“Good thing you aren’t modest.” Brian leaned over and rubbed his hands through Justin’s blond hair. “Warn me now, am I going to be facing the entire gang when I get home. Because Justin I want to have a long soak in the tub, preferably with you, some hot monkey love and then I plan on sleeping for a week.”
“I told them you were coming home tomorrow. No one even knows where I went today so they are all busy with their little lives.” Justin looked satisfied. He’d planned this for a long while “I may just be able to get it up and fuck you once or twice before you fall asleep.”
“You are the perfect wife.” Brian declared. “Ouch” Justin had punched him in the arm.
“You are such a shit Brian.” Justin shook his head. “I should call them all right now.”
“I have the hot tub ready, something great to eat, some wine chilling “ Brian pulled into their driveway, up onto the lawn and drove around back to the door of their secret garden. He jumped out of the car, swept Justin out on his side and up over his shoulders. Both of them laughing; he headed for the garden door, barely getting it open enough for the two of them to slip through. Brian was ravishing Justin’s mouth as they were tearing each other’s clothes off. Hearing a soft puff of breath with hearing that had been trained, Brian stopped suddenly. Justin tried to pull him back. Brian turned around and actually yelped.
It scared the heck out of Justin who had never heard his husband yelp before. Justin peered around Brian to see what he was looking at. Both of them were still panting and both of them were hard as rocks aching for release. Sitting in the hot tub, each with a glass of wine was his mother and father and they were naked. Justin yelped too and covered his eyes. “Brian, are they really there?” he asked in a whisper.
Brian opened one eye. “Apparently they are.” He whispered back.
“Sorry boys, we didn’t know you were coming home today Brian. We’ll just leave. Harry started to stand up and then remembered he was naked.
“No, no, that’s okay. I’ll just take my husband very very carefully out this door and we’ll go down to my cabin.” Brian looked at Justin. “Want to come to my house pretty boy? I’ve got some good toys to take away all the bad stuff you just saw.”
“Thank gawd” Justin said dramatically as Brian backed him out the garden gate.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
03 September 2014
Justin,
How do I tell you I screwed up? How can I face you after this? Hell, how can I face myself and my men? How can I ever expect them to listen to me after this?
Stevenson is dead. Killed. Hell he stepped on a damn landmine. But hey… I guess the consolation is that we completed the damn mission. But how can any of us be happy about that? How can that bring our man back? He was just 19 years old! A fucking kid! How do I explain to his parents that he died a hero, when all I want to do is scream and yell at the kid for not looking where he was going… for not following the rules and lessons we were taught from day one!
He let himself get sidetracked. He let himself get distracted, and it got him killed. How do I explain to them that?
I’m sitting here on the plane, taking us all back to Virginia, and all I can do is stare at that damn body bag. Knowing he’s in there because we didn’t teach him what he needed to know… we failed in our most important mission. Keeping each other alive. How do I stand there and tell his family that WE got him killed?
Fuck, Justin. All I can think about is what you would have to go through. What would you do if that was me, and Chief or the Admiral had to come to you and tell you I was gone? I don’t even want to think about it… but it won’t leave. You deserve so much more… I know that. I’ve said it a hundred, thousand times before, but it’s true. No one should have to go through this.
I should be getting dressed. Get in my whites and think about what I’m going to say to his parents. Did you know he just got engaged? He did. Cute girl, high school sweetheart. She was … is pregnant.
I hope I never make you go through this, Justin. I really do. I can’t bear the thought of you having to hear those words. He died bravely for his country. Bullshit!
I really wish now, especially that I was someone you deserved. That I was more than I am. Yes we did good this mission, but I think that the price was too high. Entirely too high.
I love you Justin. Until I take my last breath.
My Avalon, keep me safe.
Brian
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Brian walked straight and tall up to the small house just outside of Dallas. He hadn’t even stopped to call home, only got on another plane to do his duty. He wanted so badly to go home, hug Justin and never let him go. That would have to wait. He had someone to console, someone to try and comfort.
Yes, everyone knew that being a SEAL was a dangerous job, that you might not return. It’s another thing to actually have it happen. Closing his eyes, Brian knocked on the door, hoping to find the strength he needed to get through this. The door opened and a young boy answered it. “Hello?”
“Hi, my name’s Brian Kinney. Is your mom and dad home?” Brian asked.
“Hello?” A small petite woman came up behind her son, and Brian knew immediately that she knew what had happened. “Jimmy? He’s… Come in, Lieutenant. Please.”
“Thank-you.” Brian stepped into the house and looked around, seeing the trophies that lined the wall, and pictures of the energetic young man who had been a ray of sunshine to his team all over. Brian stopped in front of a small picture of the young seaman and his girlfriend… no fiancé. He remembered that day, it was the day of one of Justin’s little gatherings. Taking off his cap, and placing it under his arm, Brian knew he had to get a hold of himself if he was ever going to do this. “I’m sorry.”
“How did… was he in pain?” Ms. Stevenson asked as her husband held her, his arms holding her tightly from behind.
Brian turned and saw their other small son sitting on the steps pretending to be hidden, but still listening to everything being said. Brian nodded in his direction, letting the couple before him know. He watched as the father held out his arms for his son, allowing him to cry for the loss of his brother. “He died a hero. We were on a mission to save a young woman… a future princess. He put his life on the line for her… and for us. You should be proud of him.” Brian told them as he felt the tears start to form behind his eyes. He couldn’t tell them the truth… he couldn’t. He wanted them to be happy that he died a hero… happy that their son died doing what he loved to do. And Stevenson did, Brian now understood.
“He loved the Navy, and especially working with you. He told us that you were the best leader he had ever had the pleasure to work with. He really enjoyed working with you.” Ms. Stevenson broke down and cried; mourning the loss of her son.
Brian did the only thing he could think of. He took her in his arms and just held her… let her lose herself in the pain for a little while. For the next three hours Brian sat there telling them tales of their son, and their adventures. He let them know how much he had meant to the team… and to him. It was the least he could do.
When he left the small home, heading to the airport and his own husband, Brian couldn’t help but wonder what his parents would do if he didn’t make it back. Would they mourn his loss? Would they be proud of him? Would they even care?
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Justin” Brian’s voice cracked.
“Where are you?” Justin asked.
“I’m at the Dallas airport.” He paused. “I guess South told you eh?”
“He called.”
“Justin, can you meet me at the cabin. I really need you, but I can’t face the family right now. I need some space, but I need you in my space.”
“I’ll be waiting for you.” Justin said quietly. “I love you Brian.”
“I know you do, it’s the only thing that keeps me breathing sometimes.” Brian sounded depressed and sad. “Later” he whispered. He could hear his flight being called.
Justin was a combination of sad and happy. Sad because he’d liked young Stevenson and hated that he’d died. But happy because Brian had asked for him to be there when he came home. To be there in his private sanctuary. It was a big step for his husband to admit his vulnerability.
As the plane flew over the land heading for Virginia and Justin, Brian reviewed everything that had happened in his life. Maybe he should try and make amends with his parents. Maybe he should give it one more try. And Justin, he wanted a child. Could he really deny the man he loved a child. Something to help give Justin a reason to live if one of these times Brian didn’t come home from a mission. He needed to make a new will. He needed to make sure that Justin was protected and secure and that any child they might have would also be protected and secure.
But most of all he needed Justin right now. He needed to feel his heart beat, hear his voice and the whisper of his breath. He needed to feel Justin’s arms around him.
Justin gathered up some casual clothes for Brian and himself and made sure there was juice and things to make sandwiches in the small fridge in the cabin before settling down to wait. While Brian had been in Dallas, Justin had looked through his old sketchbooks until he found one with young Stevenson laying on a hammock and laughing at the antics of the other guys. It was a good likeness so Justin had it framed and mailed it off to his family in Dallas with a condolence note telling them about the day the sketch had been done and how much he’d liked the young man.
Dusk had fallen when Brian walked through the cabin door. Justin held out his arms barely keeping his balance when the larger man stumbled into them. Without saying a word he helped Brian undress and then they both slipped between the covers of the small built in bed. Justin held Brian tight. He knew that eventually Brian would need to talk.
“He was too young to die.” Brian whispered. “As soon as I heard that click I knew it was too late and he was gone.” He shuddered. “I’ve asked myself over and over and over, what did I do wrong that he didn’t learn he had to listen to what I said. I always bring my men back alive. Always fucking bring them back alive. But he didn’t listen and he’s dead.”
As Justin held his husband in his arms and heard the anguish in his voice he realized why, really realized why, Brian was so insistent that he listen to him. He wanted him safe. He didn’t want anything to happen to him. Now all he could do was hold on tight while his husband struggled for control of his life.
Brian shuddered and Justin realized that he was crying. Brian didn’t cry easily. “I had to look at his parents and tell them their son was never going to be with them again. I had to tell them where his body could be picked up. It fucking tore me to pieces.” He shuddered again. “And I was the brave SEAL Lieutenant. I kept my fucking SEAL face mask on. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them see you cry. Brave Navy Fucking SEALs don’t show emotion.” He shuddered. “Justin hold me close, don’t let me go. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry I let him die. I held him in my arms, what was left of him and all the life went out of his eyes. He trusted me Justin, he trusted me and I let him down.”
Justin was crying now too. He was always the more emotional of the two of them but Brian’s pain was worse than anything he’d ever felt before. He had to be strong for the man he loved. He had to stop crying and he did. Holding Brian as tight as he could he began to talk to him. Not really waiting for an answer from the man he held, more words of comfort and love than anything that made much sense. So he lay there in the dark holding the man he loved. His brave Navy Boy who felt he had to right the wrongs of the world. Justin knew that this was his job. This was what he was put on this earth for. To be there for Brian who was out fighting evil like some kind of superhero. He was Brian’s Lois Lane.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
Stacy Jacobs stood up from her desk as she spotted the very hot looking man walk through the main section of JAG Headquarters. She tried not to laugh as she saw one of the young officers practically drooling over Brian. “Hey there, sexy. How’s the hubby?” she asked, purposely adding that last little part in hopes to stop any wayward advances from her co-workers.
“Justin’s fine, and you, my dear friend, are rude.” He said as he gave her a quick hug and walked back to her office. “You know you did that on purpose, don’t even deny it. Of course now that damn Ensign will think that she can ‘change’ me. Christ what is it about straight women?”
“I have no idea. But you love it. You love being the center of everyone’s universe, always have and always will.” Jacobs sat down behind her desk and looked Brian over. “You look good, TP.” She joked. During their time together at the academy, she had taken to calling him toothpick, since he was so skinny when he had first arrived. Although he had gotten some muscle tone over the years, she knew that he would never get much bigger.
“So do you.” Brian leaned back in the chair across from her and ran his hand through his hair. “I need you to do something for me, and frankly you’re the only one I trust.”
“Sounds serious, what’s up? Does this have to do with your last mission?” She leaned forward in her chair and took a close look at her friend. Almost every time they saw each other they were joking around, laughing and just enjoying life… but she could tell that this time was different. Brian’s whole body was screaming out in pain, and she knew that this time was serious.
“I need a will drawn up… well mine updated anyway. Think you can do that for me?”
“You know I can. Do you have the old one?” She looked at the document that Brian had handed her. She knew everyone in the Navy had to have a will drawn up after boot camp. It was the way they operated now a days. The war on Terrorism was still going on… there was always a chance that some mishap on the ship could happen, or even out on leave. No one knew what would happen, so the Navy required one in everyone’s file.
Brian had also handed her a small list of changes he wanted made and she stopped dead in her tracks at one thing. “Since when did you have a kid and didn’t tell me?”
Brian gave her a small smile, and shrugged. “Not here yet… not sure when. Justin and I decided that one day we will have one, and since right now it’s in cold storage, I wanted to make sure that if Justin wants to use it, he can.”
“Sounds reasonable. There have been problems with that sort of thing before, as scary as that sounds. I can have this ready for you by tomorrow, is that okay?”
“Yeah. Look, Stace… thanks. For everything. You’re a great friend, and I know I couldn’t have made it this far without you.”
“We’ll see each other again, TP. Don’t worry about that. We’re just two stubborn Irish kids who don’t know when to quit, remember.” She smiled up at her friend and stood to give him a tight hug. She wished that they could have had a better, more enjoyable time together, but there was always time for that. They had their monthly poker game with some of the other guys. “Want to come by tomorrow, or just have me bring it to the game?”
“I’ll be here. See you then.”
“Later, and give Justin a huge hug for me. Tell him to take care of you. Don’t fall into depression, okay. I’d hate to lose my best friend.”
“Love you,” Brian whispered as he gave her one last hug before heading out the door.
Stacy’s last words made Brian smile. He was depressed about the last mission, but Justin had made him realize that there wasn’t a damn thing he could have done. So as much as he regretted Stevenson’s death, he had to move on. Justin had told him to look at Stevenson’s death as a life lesson. He could use him as an example to the next young team member who joined up with them. He reminded him of some of the things Stevenson had gotten into in his time at the base. Of the times Brian had had to get him out of bars and talk him out of hair brained ideas for getting rich. Stevenson might have been part of Brian’s team, but he was a dreamer who marched to his own drummer and that was part of what made him who he was. And Brian couldn’t save all the dreamers in the world no matter how hard he might try. All he could do was offer his best advice, his best training and hope it stuck.
Brian stopped off at the commissary and picked up a tee shirt for Justin who had a passion for stupid tee shirts. ”SEALs balance balls.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“It never is easy, losing someone.” Harry stated as he sat down next to Brian beside the pool, handing him a beer. “I remember back in ’83, I was just leaving my watch, decided to stop off and talk with one of the other guys. No one knew… we never even thought.” Harry took a deep breath as he stared out at the water, images of that time many years ago. “I remember the explosion… it blew me off of my feet and threw me at least 20 feet. When I looked up, I knew… we never saw it coming.”
“The bombing of the barracks.” Brian stated stealing a quick glance over to the man beside him. “I remember reading about it at the academy. I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like.” Brian had tried to come to terms with the last mission, had tried to bury it deep down in his psyche. He hadn’t really wanted to talk about death and destruction with Harry, or anyone, but he knew that he couldn’t be rude to his ‘father-in-law’.
“It never really goes away, and if you ask me, a person shouldn’t. If you ignore it, pretend that it didn’t happen, not only do you take a chance of it happening again, but it’s disrespectful to those who lost their lives.” Harry told Brian as he stood up. “Mourn the loss, celebrate the life, but never forget. It’s the least we can do, they deserve that much.”
Brian turned his head so he could look at Harry, swallowing the rush of depression that was threatening to surface. “I don’t know how anyone could really forget. How anyone could forget what it’s like to hold parts of someone… feel the blood soak your clothes? How could anyone forget the last words spoken, or what it looked like to see nothing in their eyes? If someone can explain that to me… explain to me how you can get past it…” Brian shook his head trying to clear his thoughts as he turned back to looking up at the sky.
Harry placed his hand on Brian’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “There will be a day when you will forget the bad, or at least when it won’t be so strong. A time will come when you can remember the good times. You need to continue living, keep doing what you know how… learn from his mistakes. You’re their leader, lead them. Be the man we know you are. Brave, strong, sure, proud.” Brian placed his hand on top of Harry’s, returning the squeeze, silently thanking the man. “You can’t always control other people’s actions, you can’t keep everyone out of danger no matter how hard you want to. Don’t let this run your life, Brian. If you do, then next body bag that comes home will be yours.”
“Yes, sir.” Brian quietly laughed.
“We love you, Brian.” Brian watched as Harry left him alone, taking in what he was told. He knew that for his team, for Justin he would have to get past this. He knew that in time he would, he had to. Brian could feel the tears threaten to fall feeling for the first time that he had father. With a family like he now had, he knew that he would be able to survive anything, including this.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
“Hey Navy Boy,” Justin said in greeting as he wrapped his arms around Brian. In the past couple of days he had seen his husband go through a range of emotions, and it pained him to see Brian trying to hide the pain he was obviously in. “How you doing?”
“Better.” Brian pulled Justin tightly against him, planting a kiss on top of his lover’s head. “I’m getting better, thanks to you.”
Justin shrugged as he leaned his head against Brian’s neck, breathing in his scent. “That’s what husband’s are supposed to do. I love you, and I don’t like to see you hurt.”
“Ditto.” Pulling away Brian began to walk further into the house toward the kitchen. “Actually I had a nice long talk with Harry the other day, and the Admiral today. They helped too. Helped me see some things that I guess I didn’t want to admit.”
Justin smiled a little, thankful that his dad had talked to Brian. He knew that if anyone could help Brian, who might understand, it would be him. The two shared something that Justin never could with either one of them. If they could help one another then Justin was all for it. “As long as you’re okay, that’s all I care about.” Justin didn’t press. He didn’t want to force Brian to open up to him if he wasn’t ready. When Brian was ready to talk, he would be there. Brian had, that first night in the cabin, and Justin received a huge gift that night. That night he began to understand his mysterious husband a little more. He knew that it was just the beginning, it would just take time.
“I’m not yet, but I’m getting there.” Brian pulled out a beer from the refrigerator, and sat down at the kitchen table. “I did find out though that the ‘future princess’ father wants to ‘thank’ us. The Admiral told me that there would be an awards ceremony next week.”
“That’s good. I’m proud of you.” Justin moved so he could sit on Brian’s lap wrapping his arms and legs around his lover. “I wish that Stevenson could be there though.”
“I talked to his folks today. They are coming up to accept it for him. Matt’s fiancé, Christine, will be there as well. So I guess in a way, he will be there.” Brian set his beer down on the table and laid his hands on Justin’s waist. “So will my folks.” Brian stated looking into Justin’s eyes.
“What? Why are they going to be there?” Justin tried to keep the anger out of his voice. He would never forget the scene they had tried to cause at Brian’s graduation, he could never forgive them for it.
“It’s procedure in a way. I never really told the Admiral about them, and I guess one of his Yeomen decided to send them an invite.” Brian shrugged and placed a kiss on the tip of Justin’s nose. “I’m okay with it. Maybe … I don’t know. Maybe they can be proud of me, just this once.”
It hit Justin like a Mack truck. He now understood where Brian was coming from, what he was trying to say. “I hope it works out for you. I don’t want to see you get hurt if it doesn’t happen.”
“If it does, then it does. I need to know, Justin. I need to know if there’s a chance. You found your parents, you have a family. I need to know if I have one, or if I need to bury that part of me.” Brian tried to explain to Justin. He had to try, he had to see if there was something between his parents and himself. He needed to know what they thought of him. “Just promise me you won’t do anything. Promise me you won’t try to talk to them. If this happens then it happens. I need to know their honesty. If they want to be a part of my life, then it has to be their choice, not because you stuck your nose in it. Promise me.”
Justin looked at Brian trying to decide if he could do what Brian was asking, and if he could lie to his husband. “I can’t promise, Brian. I’m sorry. I won’t let them hurt you. But I do promise that if they are there it’s because they want to, for whatever reason they are.”
Brian knew that it was the best chance he would get, the only promise he would be able to get out of his husband. “Thank-you.”
“But if they try something, if they hurt you… all bets are off.”
“My pit-bull. My protector.”
“That’s what Avalon means right? I will always be here to protect you. I love you.”
Brian could only answer with a kiss, letting Justin know that he felt the same way.
~~~***~~~***~~~***
End of Chapter sixteen
