Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:
Someone finally learns the secret and someone finally gives Justin a pep talk and realizes that he can do this because he loves Brian.

BRIANS’ POV

Brian didn’t mean to but he drove away from Deb’s without going back to get Justin. Who the fuck did Peta Bruckner think she was? Just another high and mighty bitch who thinks that because she gave birth to someone she has the right to run the life of that child. Joan Kinney with a medical bag, I suppose. God! Mothers - can’t live with them and can’t kill them. This drive will clear my head. Then I’ll go back and get him or he’ll be at the loft. I need to forget…. just for a little while.

Justin sat at the window even though Brian was long gone. He just up and left him but he didn’t blame him. This whole situation is just getting too complicated and Peta Bruckner is a bitch! There’s no other word for her but bitch. I don’t have a problem with Michael and Ben being together and the way she rationalizes things is fucking insane. I have just got to get out of here.

"What did you say, Melanie?"

"I said. Do you want us to give you a ride home? Looks like the asshole gave you the ass and now you have to fend for yourself."

"He’ll be back, Mel. He just needs some time."

"God, Justin. How many more times are you gonna to be this stupid? And we know. Okay?"

"Melanie. Calm down. Justin. You know about the baby, and we don’t know anything. We’ll give you a ride to the loft."

"No, Lindsay. Let her talk. I want to hear what she thinks she knows!"

"We know that he’s sick. The rest of the family might want to act as if it’s just rehab but I saw it once he walked in here. He didn’t even eat his usual. He ate tuna fish casserole and stuck to drinking a lot. We know that he has HIV. When is he going to tell the family? You shouldn’t be with him anymore!"

"Excuse me. What did you just say?"

"I know that you love him, Justin. I understand but Brian has never put you first. His dick getting sucked is always first, and then you, and then lastly, Gus. You deserve so much better. I know that it will be hard on you but you can come and stay with us."

"Melanie. That’s enough! You don’t know anything!"

"Lindz! I thought we were going to stop pretending. We told everyone about the baby and now I’m not holding my tongue about this. He’s sick isn’t he?"

"I don’t think that’s any of your business!"

"Honey. Are you and Brian being safe? Are you safe, sweetheart?"

"I’m fine, Mother. Everything is fine. No-one here has anything to worry about."

"I trust you, sweetie. Do you want me to give you a ride back to the loft?"

"Yes please, Mom. It was a wonderful dinner, Deb. See you next week."

"Justin?"

"You’re right, Mel."

"I knew it, Justin. When did he find out? You have to tell him that we’re here for him and we don’t judge him. Lindz and I want him to spend as much time with Gus as possible. This will be hard for him to come to terms with but……"

"No. You’re right. He doesn’t put me first or even Gus. He puts everyone else first. Including you. He worries about how things will affect you and yours but none of you care about him….."

"Justin, we love…."

"Save it, Lindz! All you worry about is that Brian keeps up the persona that you all know and love - the asshole, but all of you know that he’s not. You all know the real him but you continue to let him be the asshole. God! If you guys knew….. if I just told you … You know what? Forget it. I have to go. Mom. Come on. I need to get to the loft, if that’s where he went."

"Hey Pop. You know I told myself since they day they lowered you down here that it would be a cold day in Hell before I came to see you. But I guess a cold day in November will do. I’ve been having these dreams. You know. You’re doing it to me. I’m not him. Okay. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t him and that I lived. You can’t blame me because he died. You’re my father. You should’ve been happy. You just give false hope and you keep making me doubt myself. You keep making me doubt Justin and I’m doing the right thing. I’m going to make him leave me and we’ll be stronger when it’s all over. I’m gonna beat it again just to spite you. I am."

Brian gave the tombstone a swift kick and then he left the cemetery.

Peta Bruckner walked into the Bruckner house to find it completely dark, but she could make out Ben. He was sitting in the shadows.

"Ben. Are you…?"

"Alright? I don’t know, Mother. How do you expect me to be after what just happened?"

"Ben. I meant no harm. It’s just that I’m your mother and I know what’s best for you."

"You know what’s best for me! You can’t know because if you did, you’d give Michael a chance."

"Ben. Michael is a lovely, young man and he’s about to be a father. Don’t you realize that what you’re doing is wrong. That by staying with him you’re only making matters worse."

"You know, Mom. You and I have always been able to get along, and I’ve been sitting here trying to stay calm and keep my temper at bay. I love you and I want you to stay here with my family so I’m giving you this chance. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you feel that Michael and I shouldn’t be together? Make me understand, please."

"When I arrived at the airport and I saw you and him together I could feel it, you know. The love. It radiates from you both like the sun. I was so happy that my Benji had found himself someone real. Not like the asshole that gave you this thing and then left you like this!"

"He’s dead, Mother!"

"Exactly. He’s dead. He got away with killing my son and to me it’s like he didn’t care. It seems to me that if he gave this to you, that when you found out, he should’ve stayed with you. No matter what problems the two of you had, he should have stayed with you."

"You can’t be with someone because it’s convenient. There has to be love."

"Michael loves you. He hangs on every word you say, and the two of you and Hunter make the perfect family. I love it. I’m glad that you’re happy. When I thought he was positive it was perfect."

"Perfect?"

"Yes, Ben. It was perfect. The three of you would take care of each other. You knew the disease. You knew what to expect. Then when one of you died, it would be accepted because you’d come to terms with it. Of course you would mourn but then there’d be two and you’d comfort each other. In the end Hunter would probably be the last to go but I’d be there for him. I know that sounds crazy but there would be no casualties. Of course I would mourn and Debbie would too but that would be that. But now it’s different and it’s not right."

"Mother. Michael loves me!"

"Exactly! He loves you. Right now you’re healthy and I thank God every day that you’re healthy. It could be years before your time comes but it’s coming. You know that you and Michael are not forever. He’s about to have a baby and she’ll love you because it’s so easy to love you, Ben. She’ll love you and the girls already said that you’ll be her papa. Then you’ll die and it’ll kill her inside. First she’ll lose her Uncle Vic who I assume will be like a grandpa and she’ll wonder why. Then she’ll lose you and that will be like losing a father, then her brother. In the end it’ll just be her and Michael but she’ll have another side of the family. All that will be left is Michael here alone in this house with all the memories."

"I love him, Mother!"

"I know you do, but is this the life you want for him? Sitting around here wondering if he’ll get five or maybe ten years with you. Is that what you want?"

"Yes!"

"Then you’re selfish! You left me and I sit in that house and see your father everywhere and I still smell his cologne, as well as yours. I know that it’s only a matter of time before you leave me and then what will I have? I won’t have anyone. I can’t take it, Benji! I don’t want Michael to feel alone. I don’t want to look in his eyes and see and feel how I feel right now. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy!"

Peta couldn’t hold it in any longer. She was hysterical. She tried not to cry but she wanted her son to see that she wasn’t being heartless or cruel. She was alone, back in Maine and she knew how the whispers of the past could creep up on you. She didn’t want Michael to feel the pain that she felt now. She could feel Ben’s arms wrap around her as he soothed her tears. She could feel his heartbeat. It was strong and steady. He was there alive and as well as he could be.

"I love you, Benji. Please tell me you understand."

"I love you too Mother, but you must understand that I love Michael as well. We deserve to be together. I belong with him. Now don’t make me choose. Because as you said I don’t have forever but my forever is with Michael and I would like for you to be there. If it comes to me having to choose, then well, you’ll always be in my heart."

Peta hugged her son tighter. She had to get this out in the open because she knew that as long as she felt this way that things wouldn’t be good between them. She was glad she had this talk with him. Even though she could understand where he was coming from, she was thinking of Michael. She would talk to him and maybe she would be able to get him to understand.

Brian slid the heavy door back and entered the loft. He looked around and was glad that Justin wasn’t there. When he came back from seeing his father he stopped by a bar and paid the bartender extra for a bottle of "Jim Beam." Then he went to the park and got wasted. He chose the park because he could easily walk back to the loft, but in the end he drove the corvette back. Yes, Justin would be pissed, but tomorrow they were going to cut him open so it didn’t matter if he drank. Tomorrow he probably wouldn’t be able to talk, so fuck it.

He could feel the pain winning over the buzz of the liquor so he quickly walked to the bathroom and got out a syringe with his prescription medication. Liquid and into the vein. Yep. Perfect, so he didn’t have to swallow it. As he injected himself with the "good shit" he wondered if this high was anything like the high of a heroin addict. Oh well, he would be asleep before Justin came home and he wouldn’t have to be disappointed in the fact that he’d been drinking. He decided the next thing he needed to take care of was his smell. He walked into the bathroom and threw the used needle in the biohazard bin that Claire had brought over and turned on the shower.

He felt the water and it was really hot. He decided the hotter the better. Maybe it would help him sober up quicker and then he’d drink some coffee. He looked at the clock. It was after ten. He had a little less than two hours before his cutoff from food and liquids so that would help him sober up. He took off all his clothes and right before he was about to get in the shower he took a look at himself in the mirror. He was still young and beautiful and he decided that he was going to beat this shit. Fuck Cancer! he told his reflection, and fuck you too, Jack!

He looked to his left and saw the vial the doctor had prescribed. He was so happy that they had put it in solvent form so he could take it as a shot because swallowing the pills was a bitch. He filled the syringe from the box under the sink with his correct dosage and found the vein. He closed his eyes as he stuck himself. He hated needles - that’s why he’d never be a heroin addict. His mind felt fuzzy, like he was missing something important.

Oh, the water! he thought.

He checked the water and it was still hot. He felt woozy and thought it was indeed some good shit, that he’d better make it quick because the medication was making him drowsy, and he didn’t want to slip in the shower. He stomped the release of the trashcan with his foot and that’s when he saw it. Another syringe. That’s when he realized that he’d already had his dosage.

Well, fuck me! he thought as his body hit the floor.

Justin had been trying to get rid of his mother the whole ride back to the loft, but no, she was being nosy, as usual. First she asked if he wanted to stop and have a coffee which he did. He thought that maybe Brian needed a little time to be alone and he would give him that time. So they talked. Well, more like his mother fished for answers and he didn’t give them to her. So now they were riding the lift to the top floor and she was right behind him.

"Mom, listen. Brian is probably upset and he’ll probably want to brood so I’ll see you tomorrow."

"No. I’m coming in. There’s something the matter and you guys are going to tell me."

Justin was getting really tired of everyone wanting to mind his business so he just gave up. He’d let her in and Brian could go tell her to "fuck off" like he so wanted to. They entered and the loft felt strange. It was eerily dark.

"Justin. Why is it so dark in here?"

"Brian gets really bad migraines so maybe he just needed the lights off."

"OK honey, then maybe I’ll leave."

"Good. Thanks Mom for understanding."

"Could I use the bathroom first, Justin? It’s a long drive home."

"Sure, Mom. Just be quiet. He even has the lights off over the bed so he’s probably asleep."

"Okay. Thanks again."

Justin found himself feeling hungry, so he opened the fridge and got out some "Eggo Waffles" and decided there was nothing better than breakfast as a very late dinner. He had just begun to butter his waffles when he heard his mother screaming from the bathroom.

"You had no right!"

"Excuse me. What the fuck do you mean I had no right, Lindsay?"

"Ambushing Justin like that, bringing up what you think you know about Brian. I didn’t see you saying anything when he was in there with us."

"No. You waited until he was gone. Why? ‘Cause you’re a fucking coward."

"I’m no coward. If I’d been given the chance I would have asked him right to his face. That way he wouldn’t have been able to lie but I didn’t get the chance. He’d already stormed out, making us think he wanted to be my baby’s father. Please. If I had anything to say about anything he wouldn’t be Gus’s."

"He’s not or have you forgotten?

"Excuse me?"

"Oh. You spat about how Brian is an ass and he’s uncaring but have you noticed that he gave you Gus. If he wasn’t Gus’s father then he wouldn’t be Gus. He’s not Gus’s father, you are. He’s nothing to Gus but then he gives us anything we want. All we have to do is ask. But you, what has happened to you, Melanie?"

"The fog has been lifted. I’ve been liberated. I’m tired of Kinney’s shit."

"I just don’t know. What has happened to you, Melanie?

"Where are you going? Put Gus’s things down."

"My son and I are going to a hotel!"

"Don’t do this, Lindz. Babe, don’t let Brian come between us.

"Brian has nothing to do with this. There’s something wrong with you. I’ll be back in the morning. Hopefully you’ll have come to your senses by then."

JENNIFER’S POV

Okay. To say that I don’t understand what the hell is going on is an understatement. First off I just needed to go to the rest room. I didn’t think that I would find my son’s boyfriend lying on the floor, naked. His breathing was shallow when I called Justin and when he came in and saw him I thought he’d die. He didn’t panic like I thought he would. He just told me to call 911.

The ambulance came and then he told the paramedics all the medication that Brian was on. I was trying to remember if any of them were from Vic’s cocktail and none of them were, from what I could remember. I believed my son when he said that Brian didn’t have it. Before the ambulance arrived we’d managed to get some sweats on Brian. It was very weird. He was saying crazy stuff like he was sorry and he loved his sunshine and if he had a mother he would want it to be like Jennifer. He was barely conscious but it helped Justin a lot when he saw those beautiful hazel eyes open.

We’re in a hospital room. Brian is drifting. He’s trying to keep his eyes open but Justin told him to go to sleep, that he’d be there in the morning. It nearly broke my heart when I heard a low "you promise?" Brian was asking if he promised to be there? What the Hell was going on? Brian’s sister Claire arrives and Justin motions for me to come outside and I oblige. Maybe now I’ll get answers.

"Thanks, mom, for staying but you can leave now."

"Oh no you don’t, Justin. Tell me what’s going on - now!"

"Mom. Brian’s sick."

"Sick? What do you mean? You mean Melanie was….."

"No, Mother. Brian doesn’t have HIV. Remember when I told you he had that sore throat?"

"Yes. I gave you the recipe for the broth."

"Yeah. Well, he went to the doctor and they found something and tomorrow, well tomorrow they’re gonna cut him open. When it’s over mom he may not be able to talk. He might have a huge stoma, and he might die and God, Mom I jus…."

"Justin. Get a grip!"

"What?"

"Get a grip! You’re falling apart and this is not the time to fall apart."

"I know I am Mom but I’m glad that Claire came. When I’m sure he’s asleep I’m going to leave."

"Excuse me?"

"I can’t take this. I know that I’m being a coward and that’s wrong but I guess I can’t wait around and watch the man I love go through this."

"You can and you will."

"But Mom."

"Don’t Justin. I know that this is scary. I know that you’re afraid but you will do for him what he did for you."

"Yeah I was in a hospital in a fucking coma and he was in a backroom getting his dick sucked!"

"Justin. When you were in that coma I told Brian not to come back to the hospital."

"What?"

"I was stupid, Okay. When I saw him sitting there covered in your blood I thought that he was there out of guilt and not love. I was confused. Don’t blame me. I made a mistake."

"But still, Mom. If he wanted to be there he would’ve been there. Nobody tells Brian Fucking Kinney what to do."

"You’re right and they don’t."

"What?"

"A few nights after that first night, I told him not to come back. I came in early because it looked like you might be coming around and there he was in front of the window in a chair. He was asleep. I asked Janet, the night nurse. You remember her?"

"Yeah. I remember, Mom. What are you telling me?"

"She told me that he came every night. He’d come around one and he’d stay until about five. She said that sometimes he would come in his street clothes and bring a bag with him. She guessed it was his clothes for work and then he’d leave dressed for the office. She said every night she could see the uncertainty on his face wondering if he should go in or not. That when you were having your nightmares she could see that he wanted to go in but he was afraid."

"Are you telling me he came to see me every night?"

"Yes."

"You’re telling me this now! Don’t you realize that if I’d known this I would have never gone with Ethan!"

"Don’t blame that guy on me. You were acting out, because you didn’t think you had what you needed in Brian and I realize that now it’s my fault. Brian was willing to take you right back when you were released from the hospital but once again I told him to stay away. I was such a fool. Then you had your moment at the house and I freaked and went to the loft and he was there and I told him to take you back."

"So that’s why I went to live at the loft. You made him take me! You got rid of your burden?"

"Justin you go and on about how this man loves you and he does. That’s why he took you - because he loves you. He gave me my baby back and now it’s your turn."

"I don’t think I can."

"He told me that you were the strongest man that he knows. That you made him want to be better."

"He said that to you?"

"Not in those words but I’m learning Brian-speak. You have to watch him. He’s all bullshit with what he says but you have to pay attention to what he does. He loves you and he loves you a lot. Now you’re going to wipe your eyes, stand tall, my dear and you are going in there to hold his hand. You’re going to be whatever he needs you to be. If he needs to scream, let him. Let him cry, be there for him. He let you lean on him and now, my boy you’re going to be there for him."

"You really have that much faith in me?"

"Yes and he does too. That’s why he told you he loved you, because he needed you to be there for him."

"Okay. You’re right, Mom. I can do this."

"Good. Now let’s go back in."

"No Mom, you’re right. I can handle this. You can go on home."

"I will but I just want to see him and make sure he’s alright."

"You love him, don’t you?"

"He grows on you and besides he’s my son-in-law."

Claire looked at the sleeping form before her and she could feel the tears. She would not do this. She was a professional. Besides she had her cry after the service with her mother. God! She hated that woman. All through dinner she talked about Brian and ‘his boy.’ How she caught Brian and ‘his boy.’ It made her sick to her stomach. ‘Lover,’ Mother! Justin is Brian’s lover. I like a sleeping Brian. He’s handsome when he’s asleep. When he’s awake he’s always broody. I like him this way. He’s beautiful.

Jennifer Taylor walked back into Brian’s room and said her hellos to Claire and approached the bed of the sleeping man. She looked down and then she saw it. When he was asleep his guard was down and she got to see his true face. He was a beautiful man. She just hoped he’d be okay. He was relaxed and she saw it. There was a small lump on his throat. It made her shudder involuntarily and she brushed the piece of hair from over his eye and kissed his cheek. His eyes shot open and he looked at her alarmed.

"Don’t you worry, I won’t tell anyone your secret, you just get better."

"Jen, you and Justin should……"

"Justin and I will do nothing. I’m going home to my daughter. Justin will be my eyes and ears and keep me posted about tomorrow. I’ll come by in the afternoon to check on you."

"But…"

"But nothing. Sleep now, you look like shit."

Brian was about to say something but she smiled at him. She smiled at him and he saw exactly where Sunshine got it from. He closed his eyes and let the drugs take him. He could do this. He had someone on his side. He had Justin, and apparently he came with a cheerleader named Jennifer Taylor

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