Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-Walter Anderson

 

Justin wandered aimlessly.  He had lost all concept of time, and didn't know how long he had been walking.  He eventually stopped to rest at a nearby playground.  As he sat on the bench, he stared wistfully at the cluster of children playing.  A young girl with pig tails scooted over to him, and tugged on his sleeve.

Peering into Justin's face with curious green eyes she boldly asked, "Mister, why are you crying?"

'Shit, was he crying?'  Justin was so numb, that he hadn't felt the tears that were slowly gliding down his cheeks.  He blinked, and brushed them away as he answered the child honestly.

"I'm a little sad, that's all."

"Why, what happened?" the girl inquired with great interest.

"I lost someone I love," Justin revealed in a quavering voice. 

"How'd you lose him?"

Raking his fingers through his hair, he patiently responded, "I did some bad things a while ago."

"Mommy says that if you say you're sorry and mean it, the other person will forgive you."

"Thanks for the advice, but I'm not sure that will make everything alright this time."

Justin smiled weakly at the sweet child's innocence, and her earnest attempt to make him feel better.  The little girl became distracted by a pretty, thin, blonde woman, calling her name.  From the resemblance, Justin could only assume it was her mother walking towards them.   

"It's time to go Faith."

For a brief moment, the woman's eyes met Justin's, and she managed a sympathetic smile, as if she sensed his plight. 

"Bye Mister.  I hope you feel better," the girl said before skipping off to her mother.  She took hold of the woman's hand, and they left together.  Soon after, Justin stood up, ready to resume his travels.

The park and the children in it, made Justin think about New York and his struggle to survive there.  It amazed him that it had already been four months since he came back to Pittsburgh.  However, his thoughts quickly shifted to Brian Kinney, just like they always did.  The older man had been wonderful to him.  He had given him a job, a home, and tended to his every need.  Surely Brian deserved someone better than him.

 

Brian's concern grew as he rushed back to the loft.  He considered the possibility that their fight this morning had upset Justin, but then again, perhaps it was something entirely different.  Brian entertained a disturbing notion that if Tom Roddick had recognized Justin, then his young lover had also recognized him.  Did encountering the man at Kinnetik somehow upset the blond? 

Brian hollered Justin's name as he entered the loft, scanning it with his eyes.  From the moment he stepped inside, he hadn't really expected an answer.  The kid's clothes were hanging up in the closet, and his socks were still in the drawer.  He noticed Justin's art case on the computer desk.  Brian reasoned, 'He wouldn't have left without his art materials.  He'll probably come walking through the door in a few minutes."' 

A half hour passed.  'Where the fuck could he be?' Brian wondered.  He pulled out his cell phone and hit redial.  Justin still wasn't answering.  'Suppose the kid was freaking out by himself right now?' 

Brian didn't hesitate to dial Daphne's number.  Thankfully, Daphne had answered her phone after two rings.  She sensed the urgency in Brian's voice when he asked her if she had seen Justin.  When Daphne said she hadn't heard from her best friend, Brian explained the reason for his concern.  Daphne promised she would contact him if Justin showed up at her apartment.

Brian couldn't sit around and do nothing.  It was going to be dark soon, and his anxiety was mounting, knowing that Justin was alone somewhere in a troubled state.  He took it upon himself to track down the blond.  Remembering the first time he had gone searching for the kid, Brian decided to enlist some help to speed up the search.  He recruited Michael and Emmett, who were more than willing to assist him with looking for the young man, since they had become quite found of him.  They were going to visit every homeless shelter, park, and bus depot if they had to. 

 

Amazingly, Justin had hiked all the way to the Allegheny River, and was now paused at one of the trails.  If he kept on this road, it would lead into New York, but did he really want to go back there?  It was an option, but one that he didn't want to pursue.  Besides, it would take him a few days of walking to get there, and he hadn't lost his mind completely yet, although he was perilously close.

Lying down near a rock, Justin gazed up at the stars, just as he used to do.  His empty stomach grumbled, and he began to feel some anxiety creeping into his body.  He performed a breathing exercise to help him relax, as he tried to block out all other thoughts, and concentrate solely on the sounds of the chirping birds. 

Sometime later, his anxiety had subsided.  The eerie darkness of night had descended, infusing a crisp Autumn chill into the air.  Justin imagined Brian's strong, protective arms around him.  If only the man loved him.  For a while Justin truly believed he did.  But when Brian couldn't say those words, and after Justin heard his reaction to Tom's offer, he knew it was not meant to be. 

Sadly, Justin was well aware that it seemed he was always running away from his problems.  He had done it in New York, and he was doing it now.  'Damn, hadn't he learned anything in his sessions with Alex?'  Justin knew that it was high time he faced Brian, as well as his troubled past.  He scrambled to his knees, and steadying himself with his hands, rose to his feet.  Justin decided to seek out the nearest clearing, so he could call his friend Daphne to pick him up.  Since it was close to 9:30, he knew she would most likely be at home studying.

Exhausted and shivering, Justin was surprised when Brian's black jeep came into view.  It slowed, and pulled up to where the blond was standing. 

"Get in the car," Brian ordered. 

'Fuck,' Justin thought.  Daphne must have called Brian.  He wasn't quite prepared for this, but he slid into the passenger side of the jeep anyway.

"You alright?" 

"I'm fine.  Just tired and cold."

Brian tossed a jacket at Justin, and then put the jeep in drive.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Brian demanded.

"Can we please talk about this later?"

Brian furrowed his brow.  He wanted an explanation, but he figured he could wait until they were at the loft.

"When we get to the loft, you have some explaining to do Sunshine."

On the ride home, Justin stared out the window, contemplating what he was going to say to Brian.  He didn't want to leave, but he knew he couldn't stay with Brian.  The man was clearly better off without him, for so many reasons.

They reached the loft, and Brian unlocked the door to let them both inside.  He was relieved to finally have Justin home and safe.  He didn't know whether to throttle the kid, or hug him tightly. Instead of immediately attacking the blond with questions, Brian became alarmed by his pale, drawn face, and bloodshot eyes.  He went straight to the fridge to get a bottle of water.  Handing it to Justin he stated, "You need to get some food in you.  I'll call for some Thai."

"That sounds great, thanks."

Brian's worried hazel eyes followed Justin, as his young lover removed his shoes, and scrunched up his body on the couch.  He waited for the lad to say something.  Anything was better than this uncomfortable silence, that was grating on his nerves.

Although he knew that he had to tell Brian he was leaving, Justin couldn't bear to say the words out loud.  Brian was frowning at him, and he knew he owed him the truth about all that had happened today.  His stomach felt queasy, as he mustered the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry for running out of work like that."

"Cynthia said you were upset, and that you brushed past her when she tried to talk to you.  What the hell caused you to react that way?"

Justin cast his eyes down into his lap, and started to fiddle with the hem of his shirt.    Lifting his head he revealed, "That man in your office, Tom Roddick, I know him."

"He told me he saw you in New York, and that he knew you were a hustler," Brian divulged.

"Did he also tell you that he was a customer?  That I gave him a blow job, and he became obsessed with me?" 

"Hmmm....it seems he chose to leave those little details out.  Is that what upset you?"

"I...the door to the conference room was open... fuck, I purposely left it open....and I heard what he said to you."

"What is it that you think you heard?"

"He said that he wouldn't sign with the company unless you fired me."

"Oh that,"  Brian said.

 

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