“As an unperfect actor on the stage

Who with his fear is put besides his part,

Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage,

Whose strength’s abundance weakens his own heart;

So I, for fear of trust, forget to say

The perfect ceremony of love’s rite

,And in my own love’s strength seem to decay,

O’ercharg’d with burthen of mine own love’s might.” 

Three days had passed since the last time Justin saw Brian but it seemed like years to the boy. He hated to admit it, but he thought that the actor had taken a place inside of him somehow, and it was impossible to get him out of there. Justin kept thinking of Brian embarrassingly often though he hated himself for it, and it made him even more desperate than he already had been. He didn’t know what it was that made him so very weak when it came to the man.

The tempting opportunity that he’d let pass. That was all he could think of even when Ethan was playing on the stage. And that was the worst part; the evening was supposed to be about Ethan but still, Justin couldn’t really pay full attention to his boyfriend’s performance no matter how hard he tried. It was the contest Ethan had been waiting for; it was all he’d been talking about for the last couple of months.

Though Justin wasn’t a musician he was sure that Ethan was playing great that evening; he did everything to dazzle his audience. And considering the loud applause that followed his performance, there was no doubt that he made it. Justin had always known that Ethan was exceptionally talented and he was pretty proud of him but he couldn’t be one hundred percent happy about it. Simply because it always made him think about the fact that in a way it was him who had to pay the price for Ethan’s success. That he’d always been and would always be a second priority of Ethan’s.

Ethan was embraced by the audience and the judges as well, so it was no surprise for Justin that Ethan won the contest. He could see how happy his boyfriend was when he held that precious prize in his hand; it was the moment he’d been dreaming of, and it meant more than anything else to him. The prize didn’t mean very much money, but it could definitely put Ethan on the map; and that was that really mattered.

“Great guy. He’s a genius.”

Justin heard the voice of the person sitting next to him in the audience. He turned to his direction and saw a friendly looking boy who was constantly staring at the stage. Justin didn’t think he’d seen him before but he nodded in agreement and said,

“Yeah, he is.”

“And pretty hot, isn’t he?” The boy spoke again.

Justin had to smile at that comment and he repeated his answer,

“Yeah, he is.”

“I’ve been watching him for a while. He’ll be a famous artist.” Said the boy with confidence.

“I hope so.” Justin answered the boy.

“Are you kidding? That’s not a question.”

Ethan, the other violinists and the judges were leaving the stage, signaling that the contest was over. Mozart’s music came from the loudspeakers, filling the room and people started to stand up and look for the artists, everyone wanting to discuss the event. Justin looked around and felt kind of guilty, but he couldn’t help thinking that he was surrounded by a bunch of snobs. Everyone tried to look intellectual and competent but he was sure that most of them didn’t know shit about music and real art. The boy’s voice brought him back from his thoughts,

“Too bad he has a boyfriend.” 

Justin knew that Ethan had admirers but it was a bit strange for him to actually meet one. But the boy seemed to be nice and harmless, and he obviously didn’t know whom he was talking to. He was just being honest, so Justin thought he had to be friendly to him. He knew that Ethan would never give him a reason to be jealous anyway. He found the situation kind of funny so he decided not to tell the boy that he was that certain boyfriend.

“Oh, has he?” He asked smiling.

“Yeah. I heard that he’s an artist too, but not a musician. A painter or something like that.”

“That sounds interesting.” Justin nodded with an unreadable face then added, “They must make a perfect couple.”

The boy shook his head,

“Nah, that may sound perfect but I don’t think so. I heard that Ethan isn’t completely happy with him.”

Justin thought he’d misheard something. He gave a confused look and asked the boy in a less friendly tone this time,

“What?”

The boy shrugged and went on,

“That guy doesn’t understand Ethan’s art. But what can we expect? I heard he’s a blond.” The guy laughed but then noticed Justin’s intimidating look and realized that he was actually talking to a blond, “Just kidding….anyway, Ethan is a much more mature artist than he is.”

“Is that so? How do you know?” Justin asked with a stern voice. He felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach.

“I heard it.”

“From who?” Justin’s voice was getting angrier, so the boy answered somewhat sheepishly,

“Ethan told me. Sometimes we talk.”

Justin didn’t know what to say, he was staring at the boy with an empty expression. The boy could feel that the conversation was getting pretty embarrassing, so he decided to finish it.

“It was nice to meet you, but I’ve got to go now.” Before Justin could answer he disappeared.

Thousands of different thoughts were whirling inside Justin’s mind and he didn’t know what to think about the things he’d just heard. ‘Would Ethan really say something like that?’ ‘Why would he discuss our relationship with a stranger?’ ‘Why does he think that I don’t understand him?’ ‘Why is he more mature than I am?’ ‘How many people know about it anyway?’ ‘Why would Ethan humiliate me in public?’ ‘And what if the boy just made it up so that he’d look well-informed?’

Justin preferred this last thought and he tried to persuade himself that this was just a bad joke. Ethan would never do something like that to him. He decided to cut the self-pity and find Ethan instead. After a couple of minutes of looking for him, he found Ethan behind the stage with several other violinists and some fans. Justin could see how satisfied Ethan looked as he was standing in the center of attention, still squeezing his prize. As he noticed Justin he motioned towards him. Justin made his way through the bunch of people and hugged Ethan then gave him a peck on the lips.

“I’m so proud of you!” Justin said smiling and stroking Ethan’s hair.

“Thanks Jus! I knew I would make it.” Justin tried to ignore the conceited answer, he didn’t want to ruin this important moment.

“There are some journalists waiting for me.” Ethan said as he freed himself from his boyfriend’s embrace. Justin nodded and asked quietly,

“Are we going to go home after that?

”Ethan didn’t respond at first, then started slowly,

“We’re going to a club with the guys this evening.”

Justin didn’t think he’d ever hear something like that from Ethan,

“A club? But you hate those places.”

Ethan laughed and added,

“It’s not that kind of club. It’s a special place for artists you know. It’s Darren’s favorite place.”

“What’s the name of the club?” Justin asked, not that it really mattered.

“I don’t remember. But I don’t really care.”

“A place for artists? I’ve never heard of it.”

“Probably because it’s not on Liberty Avenue.” Justin could hear the sarcasm in Ethan’s voice, “You can come too, if you want.”

‘If I want? Gee, thanks so much!’ Justin said to himself, but he didn’t want to make a scene. It was really hard to hide his disappointment. In fact it was more than disappointment. He’d been truly hurt. He decided to make another try and hoped that Ethan would realize what an asshole he’d been.

“I thought we’d celebrate your success at home…privately. We really need some time together.” The break in his voice was clearly evident.

“We’ll have plenty of time for that.” Ethan smiled somewhat nervously since his friends were listening to this conversation.

Justin sighed and said quietly,

“Okay, you go, but I’d rather go home. Have fun.”

He turned to leave but Ethan grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a kiss. Justin obeyed reluctantly and freed himself as quickly as he could. He just wanted to get out of that place. As he stepped onto the street, he couldn’t hold his tears back anymore.

This was not what he’d expected. He’d thought that finally they would spend some time together and make up for lost time. He’d always known that he could never compete that fucking violin, but he’d never thought that the snobbish friends would be more important to Ethan than his boyfriend.

As he was walking slowly on the dark street he started to wonder if it was true what that boy had said. There was something seriously wrong, he could feel it. He headed to Daphne’s apartment, because he really needed someone to talk to, he knew he couldn’t be alone.

Much to his dismay, Daphne didn’t seem to be at home and after the fourth buzz he gave up. There was no point in calling her cell since she obviously had something better to do on a Friday night.

He headed back towards Liberty Avenue and decided to walk a little more. Without realizing it, he was thinking about Brian again. He hated to think about their last conversation, he didn’t want to end it like that. He remembered as he’d told Brian that he didn’t want to hurt Ethan. Justin smiled to himself sarcastically and realized that it was Ethan now who had hurt him. More than he could have ever imagined it. After a few more minutes of walking he found himself approaching the theatre studio.

He tried to convince himself that all he wanted was someone to talk to, and since he hated the fact that Brian was mad at him; the actor seemed to be a good choice this night. He wasn’t sure that it was a good idea though; the last time they’d spoken Brian was terribly harsh. He didn’t know what it was that made him want to see the man again, but he decided to follow his instincts.

Justin looked at his watch and realized that if there had been a performance at the studio that night, it must have just ended. As he turned the corner he saw people standing in front of the building and he knew that it meant only one thing. His heart was beating in his throat and he could feel his body trembling like a storm was brewing inside of him. As he saw the poster of the current play he had to smile. They performed ‘The Tempest’ that night. Justin thought that it couldn’t be a coincidence. 

Brian exited the theatre and took a good look at the fans; he tried to find the hottest man. Since he wanted to avoid the blonds lately for some reason, a tall, muscular, dark haired man seemed to be the lucky one that night. A wide grin appeared on his face immediately as Brian grabbed his coat and pulled him through the crowd.     

Justin spotted Brian and noticed that he was not alone. He didn’t want to care about that because he was determined to talk to the man. As they were walking through the crowd of people, Justin stepped up to Brian. The man looked at the boy for a second, like he didn’t believe his eyes, then sighed,

“Not you again.”

Justin acted like he hadn’t heard the comment,

“I hope you don’t mind but…”

“What the fuck do you want?” Brian cut him off.

“We need to talk.” Justin looked up the man with sincere eyes.

The look on the boy’s face surprised Brian but he’d decided not to waste more time on him.

“We don’t need shit.”

“Please.”

Brian looked at the tall man beside him then looked back at Justin.

“As you can see I’m pretty busy right now.” He gave Justin a devilish smile, “I’ve got a hot guy to fuck.”

The man next to Brian started to form an idiotic smile. Justin ignored the guy and looked deep into Brian’s eyes. Brian was about to leave the boy but Justin grabbed his arm.

“I really need someone to talk to.” Justin said almost in a whisper.

The man beside Brian seemed to be impatient, and barked at Justin,

“Can’t you fucking hear? Get lost.”

Brian turned to the man and pointed a finger at him,

“It’s none of your fucking business. So shut the fuck up.”

The man seemed to be surprised but didn’t say anything else. Brian turned to Justin again,

“What about your boyfriend? I thought he was important to you.”

Justin didn’t reply just kept on looking into Brian’s eyes. After a minute of silence Brian sighed heavily and turned to the man,

“Maybe next time.”

“What?” The man asked in disbelief.

“You heard me.”

“Fuck you.” He said to Brian, took one last look at Justin and left.

“Thanks.” Justin said quietly. He was relieved to see that Brian cared after all. At least a little bit. No matter what he said.

“I hope it’s important. For your own good.” Was the man’s answer.

As a matter of fact Justin had no idea what he wanted to talk about, but he knew he had to come up with something otherwise Brian would be even more pissed at him and that was the last thing he wanted.

“Talk.” Brian commanded.

“Not here on the street. Can we go somewhere we can sit down?”

Brian raised an eyebrow at the boy,

“What do you mean? A bar or something?”

Justin thought about it for a moment then he decided he’d seen more than enough people for that evening. He didn’t want anyone around but the man.

“No. I hate people.”

Brian couldn’t imagine what the boy wanted from him and it made him pretty curious but he told himself to be careful. This boy was a disaster and the most unpredictable person he’d ever met. It made him furious to see him again because he always reminded him of the rejections. But he couldn’t say no to him, and that made him angrier than anything else. He pulled a cigarette out from his pocket and lit it.

“Fine. Come on.”

They started to walk in silence and neither one of them said a word on the way. Brian tried to look like he wasn’t really interested, and Justin was thinking about what he’d say. He didn’t know what would come, he didn’t know what to expect, he didn’t know this man at all, but something told him that he didn’t have to be afraid of him. In fact, he felt safe; safer than ever. Brian stopped and Justin looked at the huge building in front of them.

“Where are we?” Justin asked quietly.

“I live here.” Brian noticed Justin’s hesitation and it made him impatient, “You want to talk or what? Don’t worry, I’m not going to rape you.”

Justin didn’t like the man’s sarcastic tone but he could understand that considering the previous events. He nodded and stepped inside the building, letting Brian close the door behind them.

They stepped into the elevator and stepped out on the top floor. Justin saw Brian pulling a huge metal door open then motioning the boy to get inside. The loft was huge and surprisingly modern, not to mention obviously expensive.

“This is….nice. Not exactly the home of a starving artist.” Was all Justin said, and Brian could see that the boy was truly impressed.

He shrugged and answered,

“Have I disappointed you? Sorry, but I don’t believe in that starving artist shit. Some might say that it’s romantic and it makes you a better artist, but in my opinion it just sucks. Beer?” He asked as he opened the fridge.

“No.” Was Justin’s first reaction because he clearly remembered what had happened the last time he’d been drinking. A second later he changed his mind because he felt like he could definitely use some alcohol, “Um…yes please.”

Brian handed a bottle to him and asked,

“So, what is it you wanted to talk about?”

Justin took a deep breath and started slowly,

“The last time we met you seemed to be pretty angry. I didn’t want you to…”

Brian didn’t like where this was going so he cut Justin off,

“Don’t be so full of yourself.”

“What do you mean?” Asked Justin looking confused.

“What makes you think I cared? I didn’t give a fuck.”

“But,” Justin tried to protest, “you were so different…”

“Different from what? You don’t know shit about me.”

Justin couldn’t reply; the man’s words were rude but true. He already regretted that he’d come here; he realized that he didn’t even know why he’d wanted to meet Brian again. He’d already made an idiot of himself.

“Is that why you wanted to see me?” Asked Brian and took a sip from the bottle, “To make sure I won’t commit suicide because of you?”

Justin blushed, put the bottle down on the kitchen counter and turned around to leave immediately, because the way Brian acted wasn’t helping. He stepped to the door but Brian’s voice stopped him. He didn’t turn around but he could feel that the man was coming closer to him. His voice was different now; it was neither sarcastic nor conceited, it sounded simply…serious.

“I know what your problem is.” He said quietly.

“I don’t have a problem.” Justin answered still turning his back on Brian, “I just wanted to make things clear.”

“Bullshit. You wanted to see me because you wanted to see me.” Brian said calmly.

Justin remained silent; realizing slowly that the man was absolutely right. He turned back and looked at him then said quietly,

“I’ve got to go…”

Brian smiled softly,

“This is what I’m talking about.”

“What?” Asked the boy weakly.

“Your problem is that you don’t know what you want.”

Justin blinked and let the man speak again,

“No one can make this decision but you. Neither your boyfriend, nor me; or anyone else for that matter.”

The silence of the loft was ringing in the blonde’s ears then he said in a quiet voice,

“I know.”

Justin could feel a strange and exciting feeling overwhelming him and it made him braver than ever. An unfamiliar voice in his head told him to stop thinking and do what he wanted to do. At that moment, maybe for the first time in his life he was perfectly aware of what he wanted. He slowly approached the man and put his hands gently on his shoulders. Brian was looking at him without a word, waiting for the next move. Justin opened his mouth and whispered seductively,

“You might not make this decision for me, but you can surely help me to make it.”  

Brian pulled the boy’s head close to his and answered in a quiet voice,

“You bet.”