Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

 

 

“O, change thy thought that I may change my mind!

Shall hate be fairer lodg’d than gentle love?

Be, as thy presence is, gracious and kind,

Or to thy self at least kind-hearted prove.” 

 

Justin stepped onto the cold street on shaky legs, feeling unutterably miserable, trying his best not to let his emotions get out of control. But he couldn’t help it; his eyes were brimming with tears, and it seemed impossible to hold them back. He took a few unsteady steps on the pavement then stopped and leaned his back against the hard wall of the building. After inhaling and exhaling deeply for a minute so that he could regain his strength and control, he rubbed his face and muttered under his breath ‘This has to stop. You can’t be this fucking weak!’

Because that was how he felt at the moment; totally weak and pathetically helpless. He couldn’t believe how Brian made him feel; it was like falling down from the clouds and broken into a million pieces. He couldn’t really blame the man; he’d never promised anything to him after all. But still, Justin had hoped covertly that they’d had something special between them. Brian’s harsh words were ringing in his ears ‘What the fuck were you thinking?!’ And truly; what was he?

He couldn’t really tell. If he was honest with himself he barely knew the man. Apart from the unmatched sexual talent which was driving Justin crazy each and every time and the fact that he was a great actor, the boy didn’t know too much about him. Though he’d been anxious to learn more; to find out more about Brian’s real personality, his past, which Justin was sure was pretty exciting, the things he loved and hated, his darkest fears and secret desires.

Well, now the boy didn’t think he’d ever get to know about these things, since he wasn’t planning on seeing the man again. Not that he didn’t want to see him, but he thought it would be the best for both of them. Brian had made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or anything close to it; though he’d also implied he wouldn’t mind fucking the blond again. But he’d meant fucking and fucking only.

At first Justin thought that he could live with that, but he soon realized that he wouldn’t be able to do it this way. It would be so hard for him to hide or at least not to show too much of how he was feeling, and it surely would scare the shit out of the man again.

He knew exactly what kind of torture would be in store for him, always wondering if Brian’s out fucking some nameless admirers, God only knows where, while he’s eaten up with jealousy; waiting desperately for the man to take him whenever he feels like it…  No, it was something the boy couldn’t deal with. He just knew it wouldn’t work.

It meant that there was only one solution left; not to see him again, that way it wouldn’t hurt. Well, it might have been an easy thing to say, but actually putting this into practice was a completely different task. Justin knew very well that it would be the hardest thing for him to do, if not impossible. Once Brian had gotten inside your mind, there was no way you could get him out of there.

Justin let a resigned sigh out, suddenly realizing that while being engrossed in his own gloomy thoughts, he’d arrived back at Daphne’s. Slowly taking the steps, while not being aware of climbing them, he felt total emptiness in his whole body. He could almost see himself from outside, like this boy walking the stairs was just a pale copy of him, while his true self was somewhere else.

Opening the door quietly, he hoped that his friend was already asleep since he really didn’t think he could say a single word. He wondered if he would ever be able to speak again. All he wanted was to get into bed and…

“Justin! You’re back already?” Daphne’s sleepy voice came from her bedroom.

Justin just closed his eyes, unable to create a sound. Not getting any answers, Daphne got out of bed and opened her door, which had been left ajar.

“Justin?” She asked again and she started to feel very nervous to see her friend standing in the middle of the hall, looking really frightening. “Are you alright?”  

Still not speaking, Justin opened his reddened eyes, looked at the girl and nodded slowly.

“You sure?” She stared back, not really believing him.

Justin nodded again and this time he tried to force a weak smile on his face to convince Daphne. It didn’t work at all and his friend could clearly see that something was definitely not right. Watching Justin as he headed toward his room, she felt an overpowering urge to stop him and ask him to tell her what had happened, but then she thought better of it. The blond was obviously not in a talking mood, so she let him close the door behind him so that he could be alone. He’d tell her everything as soon as he was ready, she was sure of it. 

 

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Brian couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such a restless night; he barely slept at all and even when he’d finally drifted off, rambling and inexplicable dreams were haunting him. Finally at peep of dawn he yanked the duvet off of himself edgily and got out of bed. He staggered to the kitchen island with half lidded eyes, massaging his temples to make his terrible headache go away, murmuring incoherently without even realizing it. He decided that sleeping was not an option for that day, so he tried to wake up completely, which meant he started to make some coffee for himself.

Waiting for the coffee maker to provide the much needed life-giving liquid, he stared blankly into the bluish smoke of his cigarette, while pictures of his previous dream were flashing in his mind.

…gentle touches on his skin…inviting, pink lips are parting slightly...dazzling, bright smile…sweaty, small, lithe body…thin, sensitive alabaster skin…pleading blue eyes…sounds of heavy breathing…so peaceful…so relaxing…so fucking good…

What the fuck. Brian frowned, because he didn’t understand it. Usually he couldn’t recall his dreams, probably because he didn’t care about them. Those dreams he remembered were usually about being on stage, about his fucked up family but mostly about fucking of course. So it was nothing new that he’d been fucking in his dream…the strange thing about it was that the men he fucked in his dreams never had faces; but now, whether he liked the fact or not, he reluctantly admitted to himself that beyond peradventure it was Justin he’d been fucking this time.

…then something happens…everything becomes dark…Justin disappears…no, wait he’s here, but…he turns into something…evil and dreadful…a demonic smile on his face…reaching out to tear Brian’s heart…

Brian shook his head. ‘Fuck that’ he told himself as he moved to fill his cup with coffee. The familiar, special smell filled his nostrils and he could feel his muscles relaxing. But no matter how hard he tried to forget about everything that had happened, he just couldn’t do that. Dreaming about the blond…probably it was just the pang of conscience because of hurting the boy’s feelings. He didn’t want to think that there could me more to it.

The night before had started so great; why had Justin ruined that? He shouldn’t have said the things he’d said. Brian didn’t want to know about anything that had something to do with relationships. He didn’t know what had made the boy think that he’d replace that fucker. If he was honest with himself, it had been very comfortable to enjoy everything Justin had to offer, leaving the problems and all the responsibility, not to mention the obligations a relationship exacted to his loser boyfriend.

The boy wanted something he didn’t want. It was as simple as that. But still, remembering Justin’s face when he’d left made Brian feel impossibly bad and guilty. And besides that, he could feel some kind of pain, but he didn’t really know where it had been coming from.

He finished his coffee and flopped down on the couch, turning the TV on. Flipping through the channels, he stopped somewhere, but couldn’t pay attention. Tossing the remote onto the table, he kept on staring at the screen blankly, never seeing a thing.

He thought about never seeing the blond again. Justin seemed to be pretty determined and hurt. And he was somewhat grateful to the boy for that, for leaving before things would have gotten even more complicated. Then why didn’t he feel relieved at all? What was that little voice he tried to ignore? Why did he hate the thought of Justin being with someone else? Before he could figure it out he dozed off again.

When he woke up he realized that it was time to go to the theatre to work. At least it would take his mind off his weird thoughts. He had a quick shower, dressed up and closed the loft’s door behind him. Stepping onto the street with his hands deep in his pockets, he realized he was hungry, but reminded himself to avoid the diner now and in the future; it had never been the food he’d visited it for anyway.

Opening the studio’s door he didn’t bother to say hello to the others, he just nodded shortly and headed toward his dressing room. Before he could turn the corner a worried voice stopped him,

“Brian!”

Brian sighed and rolled his eyes; he didn’t have to turn around to know that Michael was running after him.

“Not now, Mikey.” He answered and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his jacket.

“What are you doing? You know smoking is prohibited in here.”

That was so very typical of Michael. Always worrying about the least important things. Brian didn’t answer, just turned around and slowly formed a fake, annoying grin with a cigarette between his lips. Then he turned around again and left, leaving a frustrated Michael behind.

Later that day, the actors were sitting on the chairs of the theatre, listening to the music one of the violinist guests was playing. He said he’d found a piece that would fit the current play perfectly, so Ted told the actors to listen to it. Brian remembered the guy; it was that conceited asshole he’d met earlier. He didn’t remember his name…what was it? Ian, or something like that. ‘Fuck, who cares’ he shrugged to himself and tried hard not to fall asleep while listening to the nice and soothing tune.

Ethan played like he was playing at the Metropolitan, trying to impress Brian, because he was still enchanted by the man. He’d heard that Brian wasn’t into relationships and he didn’t do repeats, but he thought it would be worth a good fuck. He wanted Justin back and knew he’d have him soon because once he’d found out who the blond was cheating on him with, he’d do anything to make Justin regret his decision and run back to him. But why not to have some fun with an incredibly hot actor until then?

And that was the moment when his idea hit him. It was so simple, it was almost ridiculous. He grinned widely while playing his violin with his eyes closed. Winning Justin back while making a move on Brian. Now, he knew exactly what ‘combining business with pleasure’ meant.     

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

 

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