Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

Brian’s POV:

I push my way through the crowd and finally make it to the bar, but I don’t see Justin or Jonathan. Fuck! I don’t see them anywhere.

"Hey, Kane!" I yell over the music, and when he turns to me, I wave him over.

"Hey, Brian. What can I get for you?" he asks me, and I give him one of my patented Kinney smiles.

"Did you see Justin at all?" I ask him, and I see his smile get wider.

"Oh yea, he and some guy were in here, and Justin came up and gave the guy one of the hottest kisses I’ve ever seen, whispered in the guys ear and dragged him off towards the employee entrance," he says, and I head straight to the employee entrance and watch as the car I saw them in earlier takes off out of the alley way. Fucking shit! How did this happen? What the fuck got him so up in arms that he takes off like this. But then I never know what’s going to set him off, so I guess this really shouldn’t be a surprise. At least now I know how to see him without having to wait till this weekend. But Fuck! I can’t believe I lost him again. I walk around the building not feeling like wrestling with the crowds right now, and when I get to my Jeep, I head straight home. You know, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It seems every time I am around Justin that’s all I want, and when I don’t get him, I just can’t bring myself to want anything else. This shit is getting out of hand.

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Justin’s POV:

Jonathan and I spent the rest of the night fucking. I have to admit that it’s some of the best fucking we ever did. Right now he’s passed out on the bed while I’m up looking out my window at nothing. See, there was this slight problem. I’m sure that eventually it will lessen and then go away all together, but for now it seems that Brian is going to be in the forefront of my mind. I tried, I mean really tried not to think about him while we were having sex, but nothing seemed to work. But the way I figure it, I just need a little time to get used to this whole situation with Jonathan. I’m sure once I am really into the whole relationship thing, it will all change for me. Not to mention the fact that I shouldn’t be having any kind of interaction with Brian, and I am also trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach at that thought. I knew that this thing with Brian would come to an end, and now, it has, and in a better way than I was hoping for, since now I have a chance to start a new life with Jonathan. But I know I am going to lose my job at Grey’s today, which means no more helping Brian out with his ideas or knowing what is going on in his professional life. It’s my own fault though. I knew better than to overstep my bounds, but I did it anyway. Now, I’ll have to pay for it in more ways than one. First, I’ll have to go through the whole firing thing, then I’m going to have to start dancing every night to make up for losing what I earned working at Grey’s. Instead of dancing just three to four days, I will have to work seven nights at the club. Oh man, I’m not looking forward to that. I know it is going to make my life a hell of a lot tougher. That’s why I never tried it before. Just those three to four nights a week was very hard to keep up with, and now it’ll be the full seven. Damn, the next eight months are going to be hell. I tap my head against my window and just let the coolness settle over me.

I don’t know who I’m trying to fool, because I’m certainly not fooling myself. In just the last couple of weeks, my life has turned into a total disaster. I’m falling for a man that I hardly know, but that I do know will hurt me. He will hurt me badly… if I let him in. It’s so hard to have him near me and know that I can never have him. I mean, why am I falling for this guy, knowing all this? And Jonathan, oh man, I don’t know what I’m doing there. All I know is that he’s my best friend, and I want to see him happy. If he seems to think that I am the one who can make that happen, I will try my best to do that, but I’m not sure at all. But I will give it the best I can. I have already promised him that, and I can’t take something like that back. I just wish I had given myself some more time to think about it, especially with Brian invading my thoughts as he is.

It’s almost time for me to get ready for my first class, so I decide to go ahead and get started since I still have to go get my car from the diner. It’s not that far from here, so I’ll just walk, it’ll be good for me. Maybe it’ll help get my head clear for the day ahead of me. I head for the shower, and let myself work on autopilot from there. When I’m all ready and am about to walk out the door, I realize that being a boyfriend now I should probably go and tell Jonathan that I am heading out. This is definitely going to take some getting used to. I walk into the bedroom, and I look at him all laid out on the bed. I have to say that he is a very good looking guy, extremely sexy, I’m always attracted to him... I go over to the bed and kneel down on the floor next to him so my face is right in front of his, and I place a small kiss on his lips.

"Mmm, JT," he mumbles, and then opens his eyes slowly.

"Hey," I say with a grin. He blinks a couple of times and looks over to the clock.

"Hey. It’s still early come back to bed," he says, and I shake my head.

"I can’t; class starts in about an hour and a half, and I still have to go pick up my car from the diner," I say softly.

"Oh, ok. Let me just throw some sweats on...." he says sitting up.

"No, don’t worry about it. It’s not that far and I don’t mind the walk," I say and he looks at me.

"Are you sure? It’s not a big deal to take you, and I wouldn’t mind seeing you for a little while longer before I lose you for the rest of the day," he says getting a sexy grin. I chuckle.

"No, you stay and get some more sleep. I’ll be back around five or so."

"Are your classes always that late?" he asks, and I can see the worry there.

"Pretty much, but I also have to stop by the office and talk to Jeffrey. That’s why I won’t be home ‘till late," I say leaning in to give him a kiss on the lips. "Don’t worry ok?"

"Well, that’ll never happen, but I’ll trust your judgment," he says giving me another peck on the lips.

"Thank you," I say and lean in to give him another quick kiss, but he has other plans and pulls me in by the back of the neck to deepen the kiss. It’s nice, but I don’t think I can do that right now, so I pull away... "I really have to get going," I say, and he looks a little saddened., "But we’ll continue this when I get home," I add and give him one more peck before I move off towards the bedroom door. "Bye," I say looking over my shoulder.

"Bye," he says, and I leave the apartment. While I’m walking, I recite the things that I need to know for the exam we are having in my first class. Believe it or not, it’s actually working. When I get into my car, I turn up the volume on my stereo so loud that there is no way any thoughts other than the song lyrics are going to get in. I have this obsession with the band, My Chemical Romance, lately, and there is this one song that gets me every time. It’s called "The Ghost Of You." I don’t know how many times I’ve listen to it, but I know I am skipping ahead to it right now.

It doesn’t take me that long to get to Carnegie Mellon, and I’m right on time for my first class. I go in and sit down. Right as I do, Professor Green enters. He starts to explain all the things we may and may not do while taking the test, which is stupid, if you ask me. I mean they have the same rules every time. Why explain them again? I tune it all out and wait for the test to be passed out. When we finally get the test and start, it doesn’t take me but 20 minutes to finish. Then I walk up to the professor’s desk to drop it off.

"Ok, Mr. Taylor, have a good day then, and we’ll see you next week," he says with a smile, which I return.

"Thanks, professor, you have a good week too," I say and make my way out the door. This is nice. I got out early, which means I’m not going to have to rush over to PIFA today. So I get into my car and take my time driving there. I don’t really have the time to stop, but when I see Starbucks, I just can’t resist. I love Starbucks. After I finish getting myself a triple vente’ eight pump vanilla, no foam latte’ I head straight for PIFA.

The Starbucks run took a while since there were a lot of people there, which wasn’t a surprise. By the time I get to PIFA, it’s just time for my life drawing class, which I must say, is my favorite class of all. Professor Leony is great. He is always coming up with a new way to look at things and is constantly getting us to think, to consider things in a different ways that you never even thought of before. He’s a wonderful artist, too. I love his technique.

I stop at the cafeteria and pick up a sandwich after class is finished, and I eat on my way to my next class. I’m actually starting to get tired, and I’m thankful that it’s my last class for the day. By the time I get to the door of my last class, the sandwich is gone. I find myself a seat and try my best to stay awake. I’m not usually this tired, but I guess the stress of the day isn’t helping any. Still, I manage to stay awake through the whole class and decide to go straight to talk to Jeffrey at Grey’s Cleaning Services. After I park my car at Grey’s, I lay my head back and take a deep breath. I know what’s going to happen, and it still doesn’t make this any easier. Fuck, I’ve never been fired before. I doubt I’m going to like it, but I might as well get it over with. So I open my door and get out, lock it up and head inside.

"Hello, Justin," Sara the receptionist says as she sees me coming towards her. I give her my sexy smile and watch her blush. She knows I’m gay, but it still never stops that blush from coming over her every time I give her that sexy smile.

"Hey, Sara. How are you doing today?" I ask her as I stand in front of her desk.

"I’ve been good," she says with a smile. "How about you?"

"Good," I say then get serious. "So, is Jeffrey in?" I ask simply.

"Yeah, let me just tell him you’re here," she says and grabs the phone. "Sir, Justin Taylor’s here... yes I’ll send him right in." She hangs up the phone and looks up at me. "You can go ahead in," she says with a smile.

"Alright, thanks," I say and head off down the hallway. I knock at his door and hear a faint ‘come in.’ I open the door, and Jeffrey motions for me to come in. So I do and close the door behind me.

"Have a seat, Justin," he says seriously, and I know there won’t be any beating around the bush. So I take my seat and wait for him to begin. "I got an interesting call yesterday afternoon," he starts with, and he just stares at me, I guess waiting for me to say something, but I don’t offer anything. Might as well see exactly where this is going. "Ok, then. Mr. Kinney from Vanguard Advertising called yesterday. You know the account that we just got which happens to be one of our biggest?" I nod my head and wait for him to continue. "Seems you have been using their supplies and reading their files and interfering in their business..." I keep eye contact with him. I know what I did, and I know what I’m gonna get for it. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he asks with some emotion.

"There’s nothing I can say. It was me who did it." He shakes his head and sits up leaning with his elbows on his desk, fingers intertwined.

"You know what I have to do now?" he asks looking me straight in the eyes. He looks regretful over this, which; he shouldn’t.

"Yeah," I say simply.

"I’m sorry..." but I cut him off right there.

"Don’t be. I knew better than to interfere with the agency’s work, and I did it anyway. I’m sorry I let you down," I say seriously. He’s been a great boss. He trusted me with the highest accounts, and I misused that trust.

"You were one of my most trusted employees, Justin, and one of the best I’ve ever had working for me," he says.

"Thank you, Jeffrey, for everything. It’s been great working for you," I say and stand up offering my hand.

"Good luck, Justin. I hope everything works out for you," he says shaking my hand. "And despite the circumstances, I’ll still give you a good recommendation if you ever need it." I give him a smile and let go of his hand.

"Thank you, Jeffrey. I appreciate that." I turn to leave the office.

"Oh, and Justin, here’s your last check," he says handing over the envelope. I take it and thank him one more time before I leave his office. I make my way over to Sara’s desk.

"I’ll see you around Sara," I tell her as I give her a kiss on the cheek. She looks up to me touching her cheek, and I see her turn the reddest I have ever seen her.

"See you," she whispers as I walk out the door. I just smile. Well that went surprisingly well. I didn’t think getting fired could be so...nice and polite.

"Hmm," well I guess it’s off to Forever Young to talk to Emmett. Might as well get everything straightened out now instead of waiting. So I get into my car, and head straight to the club. When I get there, I head in through the employee entrance and go over to the bar.

"Well, hello gorgeous. This isn’t one of your nights, is it?" Kane asks with a smile while he spot shines a glass.

"No, but I needed to talk with Emmett. Do you know where he is?" I ask leaning against the bar.

"Yeah, he’s in his office."

"Thanks, Kane," I say.

"You’re welcome," and I turn to make my way to the office, but Kane stops me. "Hey Justin, Brian Kinney was looking for you last night." I turn.

"Ok, thanks." I try to make my way again.

"He seemed a little weird, about it." I turn and furrow my brow.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I told him you gave that guy you were with the hottest kiss I had ever seen and took off out the employee entrance. He got this pissed look, and then he took off towards the employee entrance after you. He didn’t come back in after that though," he says.

"Well, thanks for telling me," I say and quickly make my way towards the offices. I don’t want to hear anymore. He was mad, huh? Well I guess he figured he was going to fuck me after that little confession. I don’t think he’s the kinda guy to lose a trick to someone else often...if ever, even. But what can I say? There’s a first time for every thing. Damn, if only he knew just how much I wanted to be with him and only him. Shit, not just last night, but since the first moment I saw him. But I push those thoughts away as I make it to the office door and knock a couple of times.

"Yes... come in," I hear Emmett say. So I open the door and step through.

"Hey, Em, could I talk to you for a minute?" I ask as I close the door.

"Sure, sweetie, come on in and have a seat," he says with a smile and a wave.

"Thanks," I say and sit down in the chair across from him.

"So what’s up?" he asks.

"Well, my schedule has just opened up, and since you wanted me to work more days when I first started, I figured I could go ahead and do that now," I state simply.

"But I thought you had a janitor job?" he says with furrowed brows.

"I did. But now I don’t. So what do you say?" I don’t see the need to give him all the details of my life outside this club.

"Um..." he says a little perplexed. "Well, yes, we could definitely put you on for some more days. Which ones would you like to work?" he asks. It’s part of the contract, I have to be able to choose my own days. It’s something I insist on with my schedule the way it is.

"All of them," I reply simply.

"All of them?" he says with big eyes.

"Yes."

"Are you sure? I mean that sure is a lot to do," he says with a worried tone.

"I know. But with all my bills and tuition as it is for two colleges, I have to work seven days a week. It’s the only way to stay ahead of my bills. Plus, I’m used to working everyday," I say letting him know that there is no need to worry.

"Alright, if you’re sure you can handle it."

"I’m sure."

"Ok, when did you want to start this?" he asks pulling out a clip board.

"Let’s go ahead and start tonight. I already had a day off this week, so I can’t really afford to take another day off," I tell him, and I can’t.

"Alright, sweetie," he says writing on the board. "I have you down on the schedule now."

"Thanks, Em. I really appreciate this," I say standing up.

"No problem," he says standing up as well and coming around the desk to stand beside me.

"Listen, honey. If you ever need to talk...about anything...I’m here for you. Ok?"

"Thank you, Em. I appreciate that," I say sweetly. It’s a nice gesture after all.

"You’re welcome. I’ll see you later then."

"Yeah. Have a nice day, Em."

"You too, Sweetie," he says as I walk out of the office and down the stairs. I look at my watch and see that it’s already a quarter past five. So I go to my car and head for home. I’m going to need a nap before I go into work tonight.

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Brian’s POV:

I have been trying to work all day, and it is just getting harder and harder. I can’t seem to keep my mind off of Justin. I wish he hadn’t run off like that last night. Shit, the whole entire night I have thought of nothing else but Justin and what he was probably doing with that Jonathan guy last night. It literally makes my stomach turn every time. But that doesn’t seem to get the thought of them having sex to stop. For fuck’s sake, I can’t believe that I’m jealous. Me, Brian Kinney, jealous. This shit is getting way too out of control. I have this overwhelming feeling of just having to see him, but it’s still one more day before he comes in to clean the office, so that’s out of the question. So one more day. what can I do to get him off my mind for one more day? I could go out and get shit faced. That sounds like an excellent idea. It worked for at least a little while last time, and maybe I could get a good night’s sleep again which would be extremely nice for a change. So with my plans made for the night, I try to concentrate on a couple of files I have on some potential clients.

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Justin’s POV:

When I get home, I see Jonathan on the couch with what looks to be files.

"Hey, gorgeous, how was your day?" he asks me, as I make way over to the couch and sit down at the opposite end of it.

"Well, it was pretty good, actually. I’m pretty sure I aced my exam, did some great work in life class, got to get some Starbucks, which is always a good thing, and I got fired."

"You got fired? Why?" he asks with a shocked expression. I laugh.

"Well, I did something that I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got fired," I explain simply.

"Shit...well what did you do?" he asks coming to take me into his arms, and he kisses me softly on the top of my head.

"I just kinda left my ideas for a partner at a huge advertising agency while I was on the job," I say as if it’s nothing.

"JT, I’m sorry," he says squeezing me a little tighter.

"Don’t be. It’s not a big deal. I just upped my days at the club to make up for it, which will probably turn out better in the end," I say simply.

"More days of dancing?"

"Yeah."

"How many?" he asks

"All seven," I reply getting up out of his arms. I know what’s coming next.

"JT... that is way too much for you to do," he says in almost a pleading voice. I shake my head.

"No, it’s not. I’m used to working seven days a week; I have been doing it for over five years," I reply calmly.

"Maybe, but this is something totally different...."

"No, it’s really not. It will still be nightwork, it will be about the same hours, maybe even a little less. Not to mention the money will probably be better as well," I try to explain. Even though I know it’s going to be harder.

"Justin, why won’t you let me help you?" he asks coming up and wrapping his arms around me.

"Because I don’t need your help." He opens his mouth to say something, but I put my finger over his lips, and he closes them up. "I can take care of myself, I am perfectly capable, so just don’t worry. Let me do what I have to do...ok?"

"Alright, but just for the record, I think that this is too much."

"Fine, it’s on the record," I say. He gives me a quick smile then leans in to kiss me. I close my eyes as our lips meet, and the first fucking thing I see is Brian’s face staring at me. I turn away from his kiss, I just feel so uncomfortable when that happens.

"Are you ok?" he asks worriedly.

"Yeah...yeah, I just… I need to get some sleep before I go into work tonight. I got hardly any last night," I say with a smirk, which he returns.

"Yeah, I guess you’d be tired after a night like that." I nod my head and stifle a yawn. I really am tired. So it’s not a total lie. "Come on, let’s get you to bed."

"’K." I say and let him lead me to the bed. When we get into the bedroom, he starts to undress me slowly, caressing every newly exposed area as he goes.

"God, you are so beautiful," he says as he is on his knees taking off my pants, and I hold onto his shoulders. Then he sits me down on the edge of the bed, and suddenly my cock is in his mouth.

"Uunnhh!" I yelp. I wasn’t expecting that. I’m not even sure I want sex right now. But when he twirls his tongue around the head of my dick and deep throats it, I suddenly want it. I twist my hands into his hair. It’s so soft. Not as soft as Brian’s....fucking shit! I shake my head trying to get him out of my head, but as the pace quickens, all I can do is sit back and see Brian’s head bobbing over my cock. Then just as suddenly as he started, I’m cumming down his throat. "Mmmhhhmm." I moan, biting my lip to make sure nothing else comes out. I’d hate to have that kind of situation on my hands.

"There you go; now you’re ready for bed. What time do you have to be up?" he asks lying me back against the pillows.

"Seven o’ clock will be perfect, and thank you, that was great," I say as my eyes close, and I drift off to dreamland, where I can see and be with Brian with out the guilt or consequences of real life.

When I wake up, it’s to feather light kisses all over my stomach. I stretch my body out, and I feel his breath hot against my skin. and I open my eyes to see him looking at me.

"Hey," I say with a yawn. Fuck, I am still so tired.

"Hey. Sleep well?" Jonathan asks.

"Yeah, very well, actually," and I did, just not enough. "What time is it?"

"7:10." I heave a heavy sigh and make myself sit up. I rub my hands over my face and force my eyes to stay open. "You still look tired." I force a smile.

"I just need to wake up that’s all." He nods his head. "Is there any coffee?"

"Yeah, I’ll make you a cup. Why don’t you go get into the shower," he says while getting up and giving me a sweet kiss on the mouth.

"’K, thanks," I say and force myself to get out of my nice, warm, cozy bed. I move to the bathroom and start up the shower. I close the door and take a good look at myself in the mirror. There are some major bags under my eyes. Shit, I need a good night’s sleep. "I look like shit," I say to myself as I move to get into the shower.

By the time I get out of the shower, shave, and get dressed, Jonathan has some Chinese food and coffee sitting out for us. I forgot how well he knew me. He always knew when to feed me and take care of me.

"Well, come on, you don’t have that much time left before you have to leave, and I know you have to be hungry," he says sitting down in his seat and gesturing for me to take the one across from him. I do so, and we eat in a comfortable silence. When we finish, he takes our plates to the kitchen.

"So what time do you think you’ll be home?" he asks when he comes back into the living room.

"I should be home no later than three," I tell him while I pick up my garment bag from the back of the couch.

"Ok. Well, I’ll be up," he says coming over and taking me in his arms, and I don’t know why, but I actually have to force myself to relax. It’s a first.

"You don’t have to wait up..."

"I know, but I want to," he says with a smile and leans down to kiss me. I kiss him back and run my tongue over his. "Mmmm." he moans as he pulls back. I give him a smile. He squeezes me a little tighter, then lets me go. "Alright, I’ll see you when you get home." I nod my head.

"’K. But if you get tired, go to bed," I tell him as I give his lips another peck, then move towards the door.

"Will you wake me up when you get home?" he asks with a sexy voice.

"If that’s what you want," I tell him opening the door.

"That’s what I want," he says with a grin.

"Then I’ll wake you when I get home."

"’K, be careful."

"I will," I say as I close the door.

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Thursday night

Vanguard Advertising,

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian’s POV:

I went home and changed, ate, and then came to the office. I have been feeling anxious all day and could barely eat the sandwich I made. My stomach is just so fucked up right now. I can’t believe how nervous I am. Shit I wish he would just get here already. ‘Ding!’ speak of the devil. I hear the elevator doors open. I sit up straight and twine my fingers and put my arms on the desk, and just wait. I watch as the handle twists and the door opens, and I look up to see a person that’s not Justin pushing a cleaning cart into my office. What the fuck?

"Who are you?" I bark out.

"Holy shit!" he yells and jumps. I stare at the wide blue eyes that don’t belong to Justin.

"Well?" I say impatiently.

"I’m from the cleaning service," he says nervously.

"Well, I figured that. But what the fuck are you doing here? Where’s Justin?" I say getting very pissed off.

"Justin? I don’t..."

"Justin Taylor, the guy who usually cleans my office?" I am losing my patience here.

"I don’t know who that is," he says quickly. "They just gave me this account today," he says more quickly.

"Fuck."

"Maybe you could ask Alex," he says timidly.

"Who’s Alex?" I ask.

"He’s the other guy who works on this floor. He’s had the account longer than me," he tells me. I start for the door, and he just jumps out of my way. Good idea. I storm to the middle of the offices, and then I hear someone humming a tune from the other end of the area. I walk towards it and then into Vance’s office. I see an older man stand with his back towards me.

"Excuse me," I say trying to control my anger. He jumps and spins around.

"You trying to give an old man a heart attack, boy?" he asks a little shaken.

"I’m sorry," I say feeling myself calm.

"That’s alright, son, what can I do for you?" he asks opening up a trash bag.

"I was wondering where Justin Taylor was."

"Oh well, from what I heard, he got fired. Sorry hear it, too. He was a good boy. The only one I actually liked working with," he says. Fired?

"Why the fuck was he fired?" I feel myself getting pissed again.

"From what I heard, he used one of our client’s resources and went through their files and things," he says, and I cringe from the inside out. "Never would’ve guessed it, myself. He never seemed like the type, and I’ve worked with him from the first time he got with the company," he says regretfully.

"Fuck!" Damn it! I got him fired.

"Don’t worry, sir, we don’t stand for things like that in this company, as you can see. We are a very professional company," he says trying to reassure me that it won’t happen to me when in fact it was me. But I never once expected him to be fired. If I had, had the slightest thought of him getting fired, I never would’ve called the company.

"Fuck," I say as I turn to go to the elevators. I get in and hit the garage level. How stupid can I possibly be for not knowing that he would get fired for something like this. "Shit, but I never thought.... oh, I am so fucked!" That’s why he freaked on the dance floor after I told him I called his company. He’s never going to forgive me for this one. He helps me land some of my biggest accounts, pulls my ass out the fire more than once, and what do I do to repay him, fucking get him fired. The elevator doors open again, and I walk to my Jeep. I climb in and start her up. I start for the loft. Shit, maybe if I just explain to him that I never thought he would get fired.... fuck, like he’d believe me. He probably fucking hates me right now. How am I going to pull my ass out of this one? Well, I have another day to figure that one out.

Friday night

Forever Young Parking Lot

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I decided the best way to go about this was to just wait for him outside of the club until he gets off of work. He should be coming out any minute now, and I still don’t know how I am going to make this alright. What I want to do is take him in my arms and tell him everything’s going to be ok. That I’ll make everything better, no matter what it takes, but I am almost positive that he won’t like that. As I said, he probably hates me right... I see the door open, and I get out of the Jeep and go to stand in front of it. I stick my hands in my pockets. He looks up and our eyes meet. He stops, and we stare at each other for a minute. I’m not sure what to say, which happens way too often with him. He shakes his head, his blonde hair swishing in his face, then he pulls it back behind his ear. He is so sexy. He starts to walk towards his car, and I just wait. When he gets to his car, he unlocks the back door and throws his garment bag in the back

"Justin, I wanted..." he turns and looks up to me, with those gorgeous blue eyes, and I just stop. Everything just stops. When he looks at the ground, I snap out of my daze. Shit, I get lost with just one look from him. "I waited for you at my office last night." I’m not sure why I said it like that. He stares into my eyes. "I never meant for you to get fired...I swear that was never my intention." He looks to his right then back at me.

"I know you didn’t. It was my own fault. I never should’ve fucked with your stuff. I knew better."

"You shouldn’t apologize. Your work is absolutely amazing, and you saved my ass with it more than once." He gives me a slight smile, which I return. He’s so beautiful with that smile. I reach out and put my hand on his cheek. His eyes close, and he leans into my hand just the slightest bit. I can feel it, and I rub my thumb against his cheek. But as I try to bring him to me, he pulls away. He lightly grabs my hand and pulls it away from his cheek.

"I can’t," he whispers, not looking at me.

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Justin’s POV:

It’s so hard to pull away from him. Right now, all I want to do is bury myself in his chest, wrap my arms around him, and never let go. But I can’t anymore for more than just one reason. I feel his hand under my chin lifting my face so our eyes meet. I throw the best wall I can manage over my emotions and try my best to rein them back in. It’s not working very well.

"Why?" he asks simply. I look away. It’s just too hard to look him in the eye anymore. Knowing in my heart how I feel about him, and denying it all the same. But I know if he has the time to look, he’ll see it.

"Jonathan," I answer simply.

"I thought you were just best friends." His voice sounds a little strange, but I block it out.

"Not anymore." I won’t explain my decisions to him or anyone else.

"Do you love him?" he asks quietly. I don’t want to lie to him, but I can’t answer that question with out giving him way to much control over me. "Do you?"

"He’s my best friend; of course, I love him," I reply without looking at him.

"Ok, let’s try this... are you IN love with him?" he asks bending his knees so he can look directly in my face. But I refuse to look at him.

"That’s none of your business," I say trying to sound somewhat defensive, but nothing is going the way I want with him anymore. He has this ability to get past all my bullshit anyway.

"I didn’t think so." now that kinda pisses me off, even though I know it’s true.

"Look, I don’t need to explain myself to you," I bite out.

"No, you don’t," he says quietly. That’s when I look into his eyes and see something that I never thought I’d see from him. Pain, I hurt him. "I have no right to expect that you do." I can’t even move. My mouth is so dry, and my mind is numb. He looks away from me, but I can’t seem to do the same. When he looks back into my eyes, he gives me a little smile, but I can tell he’s forcing it. He puts his hand on my cheek again, but this time he walks into me, I close my eyes and hold onto the feeling of his body against mine, my face in his neck, and I allow myself to take a deep breath. I try my best to store it away with everything else I have of him. I feel him bury his face in my neck, and I lean into him. His hot breath is against my skin, and it becomes a soft sigh as he nuzzles. I feel his lips against my neck, just the slightest bit open as he wets my neck with a kiss. I feel a shiver run the entire length of my body. When I feel him start to pull away, I automatically grab his arms to steady him against me. I feel his hand go from my cheek to the back of my neck inching slowly through my hair. I feel his other arm wrap around my waist and pull me tightly against his body. I slowly trail my hands up his arm feeling his muscles, then wrap my arms tightly around his neck. I never thought I could feel this way about another man. I never had this much feeling from such a simple act with Jonathan... Shit, Jonathan.

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Brian’s POV:

I feel him stiffen the slightest bit in my arms, and I know that my time with him is almost up. I’ve gotten to know his telltale signs pretty well by now. See, he starts to let go, and let me give him what we both want, but then he remembers something or something gets triggered, and he starts to pull away. But I have him in my arms with him actually wanting to be there. I take another deep breath, trying to capture his scent and nuzzle my face in his neck again. He’s so soft. I never felt anyone as soft as him before. Then I feel the slight stubble of his face in my neck. I feel him tighten his arms around me, and I tighten mine around him, practically lifting him off the floor. I don’t want to let go. Please, don’t let him make me let go.

"I can’t," I hear him say with finality. I close my eyes tightly and try my best to just remember everything I can about him in this moment, then I reluctantly pull back. Still holding him against me just now, my lips are on his forehead. I kiss him there, and let my lips linger.

Finally, I whisper, "I know." And I do. I know that he will follow through with his commitment to Jonathan. They are best friends, and I know he’s the type of person to try his best to make sure he doesn’t hurt a friend. I think he finally gets it now, though… That I have more than just a quick fuck intention towards him. Which if nothing else ever happens between us, I am grateful for at least that fact.

I really wanted him to know that he wasn’t ever going to be just a trick to me. I just never knew how to get it across, and I’m not even sure how I did it now. But it really doesn’t matter now because I am too late. I lost him, before I even had him. But it doesn’t seem to make this any easier. I kiss his forehead again, and I feel him tighten his grip around my neck, I pull back and lay my forehead against his and stare at his face. He’s so gorgeous, and when he opens his eyes and looks into mine, I feel my whole body shake at the thought of never being this close to him again. I want to kiss him so badly, but I know that he will pull away from me if I try, and I just don’t think I can take that right now. I give him the best smile I can, and slowly pull my body away from his.

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Justin’s POV:

He gives me this smile, but it’s sad and then he starts to take a step back from me. I know I have to let him go, but everything in me is telling me to hold on and never let go. God, I really fucked up this time. Making that commitment to Jonathan, even though my heart was with Brian. But how could I have known that he wanted more than just a fuck from me? He just now showed me... but now it’s too late. I bite my bottom lip as he steps further away from me, my hands trailing down his arms with every step. When our hands meet, he holds on and stops.

"Smile for me, Sunshine," he says with the slightest smile of his own. I force one of my own, and I know it’s not even close to the sunshine smile he was wanting, but it’s the only thing I can come up with. Then he does what I couldn’t do this time... he takes the final step away from me, letting our hands fall to our sides. Neither of us say another word as we turn from each other and get into our cars. I follow him out of the alley to the stop sign. But then he goes right, and I go left.

After I close and lock the door to the apartment I turn around and lean against the door. The apartment is quiet, which means that Jonathan is already in bed, probably fast asleep. Me, I don’t think I’ll be getting too much sleep tonight. My head must be going a million miles a minute with thoughts that have no relevance now, but that doesn’t seem to make them stop. Having Brian in my arms and me in his, well that’s something I am never going to be able to forget, no matter how much I wish I could. I shake my head, and when I feel the tear slip past my eyes, I don’t try to wipe it away.

I head to the bathroom not looking at the bed as I go. I just feel so guilty about letting Brian hold me and kiss my neck and forehead. I don’t want to think about him or my feelings, so I focus purely on my nightly routines. By the time I have finished with the nightly routines, though, my head has already replayed every single time we have been around each other. I can’t stop these thoughts. I climb into bed and shift over to my side. Suddenly, all of my emotions are coming to the surface, and I feel myself shake from the tremor coming over me, then I feel the tears take over. God, I was so wrong about Brian. If I had just given him the slightest chance instead of keeping him so far away… things might have been different. I just couldn’t see what he was really about.

"JT, baby...are you ok?" Jonathan asks as he moves over to my side and brings me into his arms. I sniffle and try to stop the crying… and it’s not working damn it! Fuck, I wish I could tell my best friend that I have just lost the man of my dreams. But that would break his heart. I won’t do that to him. I can’t. I promised to give this a try, and I won’t break it. He’s my best friend.

"Yeah, it was just a long night," I say forcing my emotions down.

"What happened?" he says, and god, he sounds so worried.

"Nothing. I just need to get a good night’s sleep; that’s all," I say quietly bringing his arms around me tighter, trying to take some comfort in his arms, like I used to.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Come on, let’s get some sleep," I say as I turn my head to give him a kiss.

"Ok," and he moves so that our bodies are flush together. He kisses my neck and then I hear him sigh.

It’ll get better, Justin. You just need a little time to get over it. Just give yourself some time.

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