Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

This is the last chapter for this story. But I am working on the sequel for it, called Kinnetically Charged. I hope you all have enjoyed this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I have to thank everyone for their reviews and encouragement. It’s meant a lot. I also want to thank Lucel for coming up with this idea and being there, supporting me with writing and betaing it. I can’t thank her enough for everything. And my Sweet Pea for always making sure I stay on the right path and helping me with ideas, and such when I get stuck. You know I love ya for it, and most likely wouldn’t get even close to where I am without you. Also I have thank Ashmeister, who is the beta for this chapter now she hasn’t been able to get it back to me and I have waited for about two months to get this out so as soon as she has gotten the beta’d version back to me I will reload it. Thank you guys.

Brian’s POV:

About Two Months Later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I get out of the limousine I feel my stomach tighten up so tight that I feel a little sick. I take a second to look up at Justin’s window and I am just so nervous right now. We haven’t seen each other since the day we pitched our ideas to Mr. Daven. That seems to be the worst day of my life to date. Which with my checkered past is pretty amazing. It’s just that when he said he didn’t think that my tricking was something he could deal with, well it just felt like my heart was being ripped out. But we have talked a little bit through the last two months and I am hopeful that we can talk about all of this tonight, after the launch party that is.

That’s why I’m here. I asked him if it would be ok for me to pick him up and we go together. To tell you the truth I was more than a little surprised that he said yes. But he did say yes and I am hopeful that it’s a good sign of us getting past this, and continuing on as we were. As I make my way through the lobby of his apartment building I am trying to calm my nerves just a little bit. It’s not that long though before I am standing in front of his door. I straighten out my tux and blow on my hands just a bit since they are a little sweaty. I shake my head at the fact that I feel like I’m 16 years old going on his first date... well besides the fact that this is my first date, which I will deny till my dying day that this is in fact a date.

Right as I phsyc myself up for knocking on the door, it is opening up for me. I look up to see Justin smiling, I swear he is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. I am literally using every ounce of strength I have to not throw myself at him right this second.

"How long were you going to stand there before you decided to knock?" he asks me with this smile that is very infectious and makes me smile along with him.

"Well you just didn’t give me a chance, I was just about to knock before you opened the door."

"Hhmm, ok then."he nods then steps aside and opens the door wider. "Come in, I am just about ready," I step through the door and it almost feels like it’s two months ago and I am coming to be with him for the entire night. "Go ahead and make yourself at home, you know where everything is." he says and I hear the door click closed. But right as he is about to move past me my arm shoots out grabbing him around the waist, and I swear I didn’t mean to do it, it just happened. But now that I am touching him, it just feels to right to let go. So I slowly turn him towards me, he isn’t looking at me but I can feel him shaking the slightest bit. I know how he feels. I’m sure he can feel me shaking as well.

"Jus," it comes out barely above a whisper but he still heard me. When he looks up into my eyes I can still see that look in his eyes. That one he had for me before we said our goodbyes. I lean down to him, our eyes still locked, and suddenly he is moving up towards me having our lips come together in the middle. Feeling his lips against mine is so perfect, god I missed this even more than I thought. I play my tongue in-between his lips and I watch his eyes slip closed and feel his lips part....

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Justin’s POV:

Feeling Brian’s tongue slip into my mouth makes my knees feel incredibly weak, so I bring my arms around his neck and I feel him pull me into his body. God how I have missed him. The sweetness of his mouth, the strong hold he always takes me into when he kisses me, the way he smells, god just the way I feel when he is near. It’s that pull of him that gets me every time. Just the simple fact that I knew he was outside my door was enough to get me. Watching him stand outside my door looking so nervous, it put a smile on my face. Feeling his tongue swirl around mine takes me back to this moment, this kiss, this man. I missed him more than I thought. But when I feel us moving to far to come back, I pull away from him. It’s one of the hardest things I have to done, but we can’t do this.

"I just need to get my coat, and we can get going,"I say breathlessly, trying to turn away from him, but he isn’t letting me walk away.

"I miss you," I look into his eyes seeing the truth there, which I never even doubted.

"I miss you too," I tell him. I see something in his eyes, but I’m really not to sure what I am seeing.

"I wanted to talk to you about where we stand..."

"Not now Bri," I say shaking my head. "Please lets just get through this launch party, then we can sit down and talk," I look up to him, but he looks away from me. I run my hand across his cheek, when he finally looks into my eyes again. "I promise we’ll talk after, I promise."

"Alright," he says and I give him a soft kiss, I couldn’t help myself. Only this time it is him pulling away before we go to far. "Go get your coat," he says letting me go.

"Ok," I turn from him and go get my coat. When I get back to my living room I see Brian standing in front of the piece that I finished right after I left him standing in the conference room that day. It has every feeling that I have for him, I wonder if he can see it all? Feel what I feel for him? "What do you think?" I softly ask. He looks over to me.

"When did you do this?" he looks a little shaken. I walk to him and turn to look at the painting as he does.

"I did it that night," I know I won’t have to elaborate, he’ll just know.

 

"I love it," he says quietly.

"I’m glad," I say just as quietly. I slip my coat on, and when I finish he looks to me.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," I say and we make our way to the limousine. The drive to the party is done in silence, with us sitting side by side looking out our respective windows, but with us holding hands, and him constantly running his thumb over my hand. Just that little connection seems to be enough for us right now. We haven’t been together for almost two months, and it has been complete torture. We only had a couple of phone calls between us both, and all I did in-between those was think. Unfortunately for me, I kept coming up with the same answers to my questions. No matter how heart breaking it is for me to think of my life without him, I just can’t imagine my life with him under these circumstances. I feel a tear slip free and I quickly brush it away before he can notice it. I won’t let him see me cry. I feel the limo come to a stop, and I look over to Brian as he looks to me.

"You ready?" he asks and I don’t trust my voice right now, so I just nod my head in the positive. The door opens for us and I feel Brian let my hand go and watch him get out. I quickly give my self a second to take a deep breath and get myself together to go through the motions of tonight. Then I get up and out of the car. I straighten out my tux a little and I feel Brian breath into my ear,

"You’re gorgeous," it instantly puts a smile on my face. I look up to him and I see him smiling down at me with bright eyes.

"You too," I say and he just shrugs a bit.

"Of course I do," and I chuckle, he is absolutely the most conceited man I know, not that it isn’t warranted, but damn does he have to know it so well?

"Alright, do you feel better now?" ask him with a smile.

"Absolutely," I nod my head. "Now that I have you with me again," I know I am blushing, but right now I don’t care cause I feel the same way. "Come on, lets get this over with." he says leading the way.

About Four Later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We pull up to Brian’s loft, and I have this hole in the pit of my stomach right now that is making me feel like I might faint. As we get out and make our way to his door, I think about the party, it was incredibly boring and tedious, but Brian says ‘Most of them are. But it’s a requirement to go to them, so you do and it always helps to bring in knew clients.’ So that was good watching him mingle with the big wigs. I always learn so much just being able to watch him in action. He makes it look so seamless the way he interacts with them all. I hope I can be that good one day. When he finally asked me if I was ready to leave I was more than ready. When we got to the Limo though he didn’t even bother to ask if I would go with him, he just told the driver to take us to the loft. I didn’t argue though, since I knew we were going to have to have this final talk to get things settled. I figured his place was as good as any.

By the time we get into his loft though my heart is going a million miles a minute, and it feels like it might leave me all together, and you know that funny feeling you get in your throat when you’re terrified? Well that’s happening as well. I don’t want to do this.

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Brian’s POV:

I was a little worried that he was going to try and get out of this talk we’re supposed to have. So when we got into the limo I didn’t give him a chance to, and told the driver to just take us directly to the loft. He didn’t protest, but now that we are safely in the loft I can see the nervousness just radiating off of him, and it’s making me think that he is going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. So I take my time setting the alarm and walking to the wet bar to make us some drinks, which I don’t bother asking him if he wants; because I know we are both going to need them. But all to soon I am handing him his drink and sitting across from him on the couch.

"Thanks," he says and I watch as he throws back his Beam.

"No problem," I say throwing back my drink as well. We both set our glasses on the coffee table at the same time. But he is the first to break the silence that has settled over us for the past couple of minutes.

"How have you been?"

"Hunh," I sort of laugh out. "Alright I guess," which is really not the truth. I have been horrible with out him being around, without being able to see him, touch him. "How bout you?"

"Not so good," he looks away from me, and I’m a little embarrassed to say that it made me feel a little good that he isn’t doing well. I mean maybe that means he’ll give this a try.

"Is it school?" I deliberately play dumb, I just want to know for sure that it’s because we haven’t been together.

"Don’t be ridiculous," he says seriously. "You know exactly why."

"Yeah," I look away from him for a second trying to get all my thoughts together. "So what are we going to do about that?" I say when I look at him again, but he quickly looks away from me. I wait for a minute for an answer, but when he doesn’t "Justin?" he looks straight out the window. But when he looks back to me, I see nothing but anguish in his eyes, and I feel my heart drop.

"Nothing," he finally answers.

"What do you mean nothing?" I’m confused now.

"Brian," he scoots over to me, taking my hands into his. "When I walked in here that night, and I saw you with that other man... my heart," he shakes his head, and looks away from me for a second. "I just can’t do it Bri," I squeeze his hands.

"Justin, they don’t mean anything to me, absolutely nothing," god please let him understand. "You, you’re the only one that has ever meant anything to me," I say sincerely.

"I know Brian, believe me I know. But that still doesn’t change what I felt when I saw you with that other man," he’s barely looking at me, and god I hate it when he can’t look at me.

"What if you never see it?" it’ll be hard, but I think I can make it work.

"Brian," he sounds almost like he’s defeated. I pull on his hands as he tries to take them away from me.

"I can be discreet, you’ll never have to see it again."

"I can’t Bri, I can’t live like that, and you’ll end up resenting me for having to hide away a part of your life. It’s just not right," he shakes his head.

"But I won’t," he cuts me off.

"Please stop," he sounds almost strangled, and when I look into his eyes I can see the tears threatening to come over. So I do stop, I don’t want to make him cry. "I can’t do it... I wish I could Bri, more than anything I wish I could, but I can’t,"he sounds heart broken. " and it would break my heart every time you came home to me smelling of another man. It would break my heart to know you were hiding a part away from me."

"Jus," I hate hearing how much it hurts him.

"And it just isn’t fair for either of us to have to live like that. We would just be harboring all these things away from each other, and they would fester and grow until there was nothing left but contempt for each other, and I never want that to happen to us. I couldn’t stand it. So please, try to understand that this, this is the best thing for both of us," I know I would never hate him for any of that but, I couldn’t stand to have him hate me.

He quickly lets go of my hands and stands up moving over to the windows. But still I sit here trying to wrap my mind around all this. When everything settles in my mind there is only one thought left, ‘there is no way he would be happy with me. I have to let him go.’ god just thinking it terrifies me, and breaks me all at once. But I don’t think I could ever stop tricking, it’s to much a part of me. I have done it for to long to stop. So I settle myself to my fate, and stand to go to Justin. I stand behind him and take him into my arms. Holding him tightly against my chest, my hands over his heart; I have always loved the feeling of his heart beating against my hands. He totally relaxes against me and holds his hands over mine.

"Stay with me," I whisper against his ear.

"Brian," he whispers moving his head in the negative.

"Tonight, stay for tonight."

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Justin’s POV:

"For tonight," I answer, and I know he can feel the way my heart has sped up for him. I hear him sigh and he tightens his hold on me. As he turns me around I look into his eyes, and I can see the finality in them; and it scares me more than anything else I have ever felt before. I feel the shivers start from the top of my head and just roll through out my entire body, then I feel Brian tighten his hold on me and I want to cry. I watch him coming closer to me and when his lips meet mine I close my eyes and I let myself fall into him. I want to be able to remember the feeling of everything tonight, I don’t want to lose any part of it.

The kiss is slow, as we try and taste everything and feel every part of each other. When he pulls away from me, we just stare at each other for awhile. I love the way he looks at me. He pulls back and takes my hands into his, and walks us to the bedroom. Slowly we start to undress each other. Touching every part that we can. Leaving feather kisses along the way. When we finish we lye on the bed together facing each other, running our hands along each others bare skin. I love the way he feels. I move closer against him, as close as I can get. I bring us together in a slow passionate kiss, hoping that he can feel everything I am trying to tell him. When I feel his wet fingers probing my hole I throw my leg over his to open for him, I need to feel him inside of me so badly it hurts.

With out a word he moves over me taking his fingers from me. I hear the rip of a condom package and watch as he rolls it over his cock, and lets his wet fingers play against his cock to wet it, and help the entry. When I feel him against my hole I look up into his eyes. I don’t want to miss any part of this. I feel him push inside me, and I grip his arms from the pain. He lowers himself to kiss me, and suddenly there is no more pain; just to much emotion as I feel him moving inside of me. Something I never want to end. We move slowly together, stopping whenever it becomes to much, so it won’t end. Kissing until we can’t breath, trying to hold on just that bit longer. But before we both know it, it all becomes to much. Finally cumming together while whispering each others names over, and over again.

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

 

Brian’s POV:

We hold each other as tightly as possible after cumming. Not wanting to let each other go for even an instant. I barie my face into his neck, nuzzling him there until the need to touch his lips with mine becomes to much, and I take him in a kiss. The kiss is long and excruciatingly slow, as we reawaken our cock’s for another round. Without a word I reach into the bowl beside the bed and grab a condom, and as I pull away from the kiss I hold it out for him. I have become accustom to him being inside of me. I love it when he’s inside of me. I miss him being inside of me.

I roll us over so he is lying on top of me, and he kisses me. I watch him pull back from me, and put his fingers to my hole. When he grabbed the lube I don’t know; nor do I care. Slowly he starts opening me up to for him. He’s always so careful with me, it’s something that if I was honest with myself never wanted to end. I snap out of my thoughts when I feel his cock at my entrance, slowly pushing in. I grab the sheets twisting them against the pain I feel. But he doesn’t let up he continues until he’s all the way in. Stopping only then, to lean down and kiss me. I bring my legs up around his waist as he starts to thrust. They’re slow, long, and deep thrust that make every inch of me hum. He’s so good, he feels so good inside me. When I feel myself getting to close to the edge I stop him, he runs his hand through my hair giving me a soft peck on the lips to slow things down again. But when he starts to move again, staring into my eyes, and as I see every emotion flash through him, feeling as though his emotions are passing right through me, it all becomes to much and I feel myself fall over the edge.

"Jus..tin," I whimper and I feel him pulsing with in me.

"Bri," he whispers, taking me into a sweet, sweet kiss, only pulling away when our orgasms pass. He tries to pull away but hold him tight.

"No, don’t go." I whisper to him, and I feel him relax against me.

"K," I hold him tightly, kissing him against his neck. I hear him sigh, and then his breathing evens out and I know he’s asleep. I don’t want to let him go. It’s going to kill me tomorrow to let him go. I slowly turn us to our sides so we are lying side by side, feeling him slip from inside me. But with him still tightly wrapped up in my arms. I take the condom off of him and throw it to the side, not caring where it lands. Wrapping my arm around him once more I watch him sleep. Something that I have come to love doing during the short time we have been together. He always looks so peaceful, almost angelic in how gorgeous he is. He still has this incredible look of innocence, even though I know all he has been through and done. He still has it, and I love him for it.

Did I just think that? I did just think that. My god, I do. I love him. When did that happen? ‘The very first moment you saw him,’ my mind tells me. How did this happen? I never wanted this. Never asked for this. What? What is this? A gift? Cause it does sort of feel like a gift especially for me. I feel my mind whirling from the feelings coursing through my whole body, and I ‘m letting the feelings take over this time. I’m not trying to block them, or stop them in any way. It feels amazing. More powerful than anything I have ever felt before, and I’m not sure if I can let him go now. If I can lose him now that I know I love him.

 

Well then I’m just going to have to try and convince him to stay with me. I mean hell I’m the best ad man out there. I can sell anything. And selling myself should be the easiest thing ever. After all, I’m gorgeous, I have a big cock, I’m great in bed, couldn’t of become the stud of Liberty Ave. If I wasn’t. Who wouldn’t want to be with me? At that thought I relax against Justin. Pulling him as close as I possibly can. I hear him sigh again, and snuggle into my arms even closer. I kiss him on his forehead, lingering there until I feel myself slipping into sleep, then and only then do I whispering for the first time ever; words I never thought I would feel, let alone say,

"I love you."

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Justin’s POV:

I slowly feel myself waking up. Tightly pressed up against a tight body, and all at once last night comes flooding back to me, and my whole body feels absolutely racked with terror. When I open my eyes I see the light of morning, shining against Brian’s beautiful face, and I’m thinking that staying with him last night, was not the smartest thing in the world to do. Being with him last night, making love to him, just reenforced the fact that I love him more than anything else in this world. And it is breaking my heart to know that there is no way in the world for us to be together. I am racking my brain, wishing for the strength to be able to handle his tricking. But when the realization comes over me once again that it will only break my heart again and again, I stop trying to wish for things that will never come. I just stop and watch him. The way he looks, the slop of his neck, the strong hold he has on me. I stop and let my heart love him, in person one more time. It’ll be the last time I will ever let myself do it, so I relish in the feeling. I breath him in, and the scent of our love making. I store it all in that special place I have in my heart for him. In the place that I will never let any other person touch, or have. I know I will never allow myself to feel this way about another person ever again. I couldn’t imagine it. I knew that falling in love with him was a stupid move, and hell I fought it every step of the way. But in the end I couldn’t stop myself. He’s had this hold over me since the beginning. Since the first time I felt that special pull he has on me, and looked over to him from my spot on the stage. However the truth is, I wouldn’t give up our time together for the world. With that being said I still won’t let my heart get continually broken for him, or even for myself. So I kiss him one last time, and slip myself out of the safety of his arms. Knowing that I will never feel that safe again. Shit every feeling washing over me right now is making me want to cry, but I hold it all in. I don’t want to wake him. I don’t have the strength to face him again.

So I get myself dressed, fighting every step of the way not to look in his direction again. My heart is beating a million miles a minute. The fear of walking away from him again practically crushing me with it’s weight. But I force myself to keep going. Knowing it has to be done, and knowing it’s better to do it now, and moving myself to leave. But at the last minute, that pull he has over me comes crashing down and I turn to look at him. He always looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping. I love seeing him with that look on his face.

"I love you." I whisper. Before I turn around and walk away, from the only man I will ever love.

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Brian’s POV:

I feel myself waking up to the bright lights of morning, and I fight it every step of the way. But when the memory of last night comes back to me, I immediately feel my body waking up, and reaching to pull Justin towards me. But when my hand lands on the bed my eyes fly open. I try looking around through blurry eyes, but I am not seeing him here. He wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye though. Would he? I get out of bed, a little afraid to look around. But I still force myself to call out to him.

"Justin,... Justin?" but there’s no answer, and I know there won’t be. I knew he was gone when I woke up. I couldn’t feel him near, there wasn’t that pull towards him. I feel my legs getting weak so I sit myself back down on the bed. He left me. He didn’t even say goodbye. I was supposed to be convincing him to stay and work it out, right now. Maybe this is better though. I’m not sure if I could do what he needs me to, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have. And I have, I know I have, even though I never tried, and never wanted, or meant to, I know I did. I’m really going to have to think about this before I go throwing myself at him again. I just can’t do that to him if I’m not willing, or able to give him everything he needs.

Two Months Later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sitting in my Jeep outside of Debbie’s house and I just can’t get myself to go inside. Why? You may ask, well sitting right in front of my Jeep is Justin’s car. So I know, without a doubt Justin’s in there. I’m not to sure I’m ready to see him yet. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other since that night, and I have been trying to make up my mind to whether or not I can do what he needs. To give up a way of life that I have lived ever since I was fourteen. But still I fight with the decision. Everyday it seems to go back and forth. Hell every second it seems to go back and forth. I jump when I hear the sound of my phone ringing. I grab it from the passenger seat and flip it open.

"Yeah?"

"Where the fuck are you already?" I hear Debbie practically yell over the line.

"Yeah, well about that, I don’t think..." I try but she abruptly cuts me off.

"Oh no you don’t. You should know that there is no I can’ts when it comes to a family dinner!" I can hear Justin’s laughter in the back round, and that one little sound makes my heart skip a few beats, and I know with out Deb having to threaten me I am going to walk into that house. I won’t be able to stop myself from it.

"Alright, I’m on my way," I tell her and flip my phone closed before she can get another word out. I wait about fifteen minutes before I force myself out of the Jeep and walk up and through the door. I hang up my coat, and take a deep breath as I walk around the corner. I look towards the kitchen and see everyone sitting around the table, everyone except Justin and Gus. I feel the pull of him and at the same time I hear a little squeal of delight coming from the same direction. I look over to the livingroom floor and see one of the best sights ever, the man I love and my son happily playing with cars. I feel the first real smile come over me since I was truly with Justin. My whole life I never thought I could feel this way, and yet here I am. Every ounce of love I have ever wanted to feel, is running through me. Running for this man playing with my son. And suddenly I am looking into those gorgeous smiling blue eyes.

"Daddy!" I hear Gus yell, and I look to see him flying over to me. I grab him up and he gives me a big sloppy kiss, right on the mouth.

"How’s my sonny boy?" I ask him.

"I good," he says grabbing my face and turning it towards Justin. Who is standing and brushing himself off. "Look daddy Jussin’s here!" Justin turns towards us smiling that sunshine smile that I haven’t seen in so long. I missed that smile. I miss putting that smile there.

"Hey,"he says through his smile.

"Hey," I say through mine. Then it’s silent again, well until Deb starts to yell at me, yet again.

"Good, you finally decided to grace us with your presence," I just smirk at her. "Well come on already. The food is already getting cold from us having to wait for you!" she of course emphasizes the last part. I start to walk towards the table. Justin coming up at the same time, meeting Gus and I at the end of the couch, and as we meet I want nothing more than to throw my arm around his waist and lead him. But I don’t for fear that he might pull away from me. When we get to the kitchen I see that the only two chairs left are right next to each other, and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not. I mean don’t get me wrong, I want to be next to him. But the problem is, is that when I am next to him, it’s hard to keep my hands off of him.

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Justin’s POV:

I knew he was going to be here. There was never any doubt in my mind that he would be. But Deb has been begging me to come to another family dinner for what seems like months now...which in all actuality it has been months. So I finally agreed to come. I knew I was going to have to see Brian sooner or later and I have been trying to prep myself for the meeting. I had actually thought it would’ve been sooner since I have been working with many of the other ad exec’s in his office. But no, this is the first time since I left him that morning that we have seen or even spoken a word to each other. And yet still all we said was ‘Hey,’ just ‘hey’ and it seems extremely anti-climatic. I mean after everything we have gone through I just thought it would have been more. Of what? I don’t know exactly. Just more.

As we’re walk towards the table I find myself taking a deep breath, just to take him in. God I miss the way he smells. It’s also hard because I want him to put his arm around me so badly, just so I can feel him against me. I miss having him against me, around me, inside of me. Jesus Justin get a hold of yourself. I reprimand myself. When I finally pay attention to the table and the seating arrangements, I see that the last two seats available are sitting right next to each other. ‘Great, just great’ this is going to be so hard. Sitting next to him all the way through dinner and not being able to touch him, or have him touch me is going to be pure torture. Why am I putting myself through this? Oh that’s right I’m doing it for Debbie. I tell myself. Yet again. But that isn’t the whole truth. I know deep down inside that the reason I’m here right now is because I just had to see him. But I push that thought away again; and tell myself it’s cause of Deb. Like I said, I almost never lie to myself. But sometimes it’s necessary in order to keep my sanity.

I sit down in my chair, and everyone is passing things along. After Brian gets Gus in his seat he takes his seat next to me. There is some soft chatter around the table until everyone has everything they want to eat, and after that the table settles into quietness as everyone eats. This is good, maybe we can get through this whole dinner without having to discuss anything of consequence. However that dream is shot to hell after a couple minutes and Deb starts questioning me.

"So, Sunshine how’s school going? Just a couple more months right?" I nod my head.

"Yeah."

"I can’t believe it’s already time for you to graduate. Are you excited?" she has a huge smile on her face.

"Sure," I tell her because I don’t want to let her down. Because truthfully I don’t care about the whole graduation thing. Hell I don’t even want to go, but Jarred and Trudy really want to see me walk, and I’m going to surprise Deb with a ticket, and of course Jonathan wants to come. So I’m going to do it. But really all I care about is being able to start working towards my goals for the future, and getting out of those schools are the first step towards that goal.

"So how’s Jonathan doing?" and I can see Brian stiffen out the corner of my eye at just the mention of Jonathan’s name. "I haven’t seen him in quite a while."

"He’s doing really well actually, he’s got a new boyfriend. So that has been taking up a lot of his time," I tell her and I can see Brian slightly nod his head.

"Well that’s great," she replies and then it turns to more of the everyday stuff. Which I stopped paying attention to, pretty much as soon as it started. What can I say. Having Brian this close to me is just throwing my whole body into overdrive and my mind won’t seem to sit still on anything other than him, and everything he means to me. Plus he doesn’t seem all to talkative either, he has only given a one word answer to every question he’s been asked. I wish he’d say more though. I love listening to the sound of his voice, it’s so sexy and soothing. But most of all I just want to know what’s going on in his life. I miss knowing what’s going on. But as this dinner comes to a close and people start moving off to the living room and such, I have only really found out that he has been working to much. Which, I can completely relate to since I have been trying to work myself day and night with one thing or another just to keep my mind off of him for however long I possibly can.

"Brian, could you take your son up stairs," I hear Lindsey ask, and when I look to Gus he is all slumped over in his high chair fast asleep. He looks as innocent as his father does when he sleeps. God I miss seeing him like that.

"Sure," Brian says as he gets up making his way to his son, and ever so gently taking him out of his chair, and cradling him against his chest. He kisses him on the top of his head as he makes his way back towards the stairs. Man I shouldn’t of come here. I think to myself as I feel my heart squeezing tightly in my chest and as the need to run start to come over me I decide that a cigarette would be really nice right about now. So I stand and excuse myself from the table saying so. At least running to the backyard isn’t to far away.

When I get out to the back yard I feel the tiniest bit better and I breath a little easier. There’s still that nip to the air, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was just a month ago. It’s actually more along the lines of those perfect nights. You know the one’s where you can see every single star out, and there is just a bit of a breeze but not to much so that you’d need a jacket. It’s just enough to want to take a deep breath, because the night air still has the smell of winter in it. The moon is bright with just the a tiniest glow of the winter ring around it. It’s just one of those nights that you wish could last forever.

I pull out a cigarette and light it with my Zippo, taking a deep drag as I do. I love the way it feels when you get a really good hit. The stoic taste, and that slight burn and tingle as it goes down. There’s nothing like it in the world. I put head back and gaze up at the stars. On a night like this looking into a vast eternity like this, can make all of my problems feel so small, and I think I’m needing that more and more lately. Sometimes it just feels as though my life is crashing in around me, and I just can’t stay above it all, and I hate that feeling more than anything else. I hate feeling out of control in any situation, and especially in my life. It’s just not a good place to be, and I feel myself fighting even harder against the world and even myself just to feel a little bit more in control.

Suddenly I feel that familiar pull, and I hear the back door creaking open, and click closed.

FYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYFYF

Brian’s POV:

When I came down stairs and didn’t see Justin I knew where I could find him, and as if I was on autopilot I instantly found myself going outback to be with him. Now standing next to him, and looking up at the stars as he is, I feel this peace come over me. It’s like every time I’m with him, I feel as if I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I just wish I knew how to make it work for us.

"He must have been tired," Justin says.

"Hunh?" I snap out of my thoughts and look towards him. He smiles at me, and god he’s beautiful. I know I’m always in aw of it, but it just amazes me every time.

Epiphany

"Gus?"

"Yeah, he didn’t even stir when I put him down in Mikey’s bed," he nods his head and looks up to the stars again. "So how have you been?" I ask and he looks at me.

"Do you really have to ask?"

"No," I say looking at the stars. "I guess I don’t," and I don’t. I know he cares as much for me as I do him; if not more so. "I’ve seen your work lately, and I must say it’s remarkable."

"Thanks, you have some great people working for you," it goes quiet again and I find myself wanting to know what he’s thinking, what he wants.

"Jus?" I question looking over to him.

"Hmmm,"he looks at me with such big eyes. I feel myself get a little lost.

"What do you want?" I see the confusion settle into his face, and I elaborate. "How do you want your life to go, what do you want out of it?"

"What do I want, hmmm that’s a good question," he says contemplatively. He looks back to the stars as if that’s where he’s going to find the answers, and I just wait patiently for a couple of minutes for him to answer.

"I guess what I really want is to be able to work in, and make a lot of money doing what I love," he says smiling at me. "To have a couple of friends in my life, that will stand by me no matter what," he looks back up to the stars and I look with him, that sounds like what I wanted out of life before I met him, but now that I have, I want him as well. "Then I guess, I just want to be happy," he says so quietly that it surprised me.

"Sounds like a nice life," I say looking at him, and he looks over to me and I can see the pain in his eyes, and a smile that doesn’t come close to reaching his eyes.

"Yeah," he looks to the ground, then back up to my eyes. "It does," he looks back to the stars, and so do I. It does sound like a nice life.

You must login (register) to review.