After the drive and an emotional meltdown that almost had him sedated, Brian feels so incredibly numb. He didn't need a shot or a pill to make it happen. When a nurse had taken pity on him during his crisis and said that was something they could do if he couldn't calm down (an offer made in a hushed voice and shifty eyes, as if it was something she could technically do but probably shouldn't), he managed to get out a no. Brian had said no because he didn't deserve to feel any better. He still doesn't. His numbness now comes from what felt like hours of hysteria, but it had probably just been several minutes. It comes from Emmett and Drew arriving and taking over. It comes from falling into a routine that consists of solely watching his sleeping daughter.

Sleeping. It isn't a lie he's telling himself. Lily is sleeping.

The numbness is only threatened when Cynthia comes and cries over Lily, because Lily is Cynthia's daughter too, biologically. It's a connection that Brian doesn't have with his little girl and suddenly he's grateful that Cynthia signed her over and that his rights won't be threatened after all of this. And thinking of this makes him think of Eric and thinking of Eric makes him stand up and accept Cynthia's hug since thinking of his husband suddenly makes Brian feel so incredibly alone and sad. He might be hoping that her hug helps him feel a little better. A little less alone, a little less sad. It does and it doesn't. The hug makes tears fall down his face and he hates it. He doesn't deserve to fucking cry. He strongly prefers feeling so incredibly numb because it keeps him from feeling like this.

The numbness returns soon enough and maybe Cynthia feels it too since she doesn't talk much either. They sit across from each other. Both of them with a hand on Lily as she sleeps and the numbness isn't threatened again until his family arrives, Ted and Blake from Pittsburgh, the rest from Toronto. Gus causes the numbness to leave again and Brian finds himself almost resenting his son for it and it is so fucked to feel that way, so utterly fucked to resent his son for hugging him and crying into his shoulder due to grief and fear. He shouldn't feel that way. He can't feel that way. He can't bring himself to comfort Gus much. If he speaks, then he will either break down or blow up and he doesn't want to put Gus through either so he occasionally pats the boy's shoulder, tells him everything will be okay, and knows that anyone who can hear him say that will think he's going more insane. But that's okay. He's maintaining the lack of feeling and that's what he wants.

It's threatened again with Lindsey and Mel, when they come in after Gus leaves. Lindsey is a mess and is bursting into tears every time she looks at him, so she leaves the room to pull herself together, all while Mel holds his hand. He should be more disturbed by the fact that Mel cares enough to do that. It's a stupid thought. They give each other a lot of shit, but he knows he would do the same for her if he felt like she needed it. But a more normal version of himself would still - at the very least - make a sarcastic remark. Something to get her to let go and say she'll never show any affection towards him again. But he can't bring himself to say a word, so he doesn't. He just waits it out.

The numbness threatens to shatter when Debbie just holds him and says absolutely nothing. It's as if neither of them know what to do or say because this can't be made better. Things will never be okay again, not even with the help of a Debbie Novotny pep talk.

He has to use words when Rick comes in and breaks down in front of him, blaming himself for what happened. It never occurred to Brian to blame Rick for all of this. It would be easier, easier to be angry at someone else rather than hate himself. But he doesn't blame Rick, he can't even fake it.

"Don't apologize," Brian gets out, his voice barely above a whisper as he tightens his grip on his daughter's hand, "I don't blame you. It's not your fault."

He accepts a hug from Rick and returns it, only because he knows Eric would want him to.

Soon after, he realizes watching Lily doesn't give him enough to do and Eric's family arrives, which makes him feel more guilty. Brian shouldn't feel sorry for Louisa. He shouldn't. But he can clearly see that her inconsolable grief is genuine and the expression of stoic, insurmountable pain on James' face is just as real. Seeing them in pain makes Brian realize that they are losing their son and he came so close to losing his own child just hours ago. He knows how it feels. He fucking knows and he knows that the pain they are feeling is debilitating, which is why Brian prefers numb. He tries not to think of it anymore because that realization makes him remember that while he hopefully won't lose Lily, he's losing his…

He feels the threat of emotions that he is terrified of bubbling in his chest so he asks the doctor for paperwork to prepare for Lily's transfer. His voice comes out hoarse due to its lack of use but the sound of it seems to surprise Michael and Emmett. He can't pay them any more attention than that. He needs to focus on Lily. She should be back in New York. Closer to people who care about her. She will be closer to home. He will be home. He won't feel as lost and out of place as he feels now. He will be able to make sure she gets the best care possible.

But after he finishes filling out the papers - every dotted line signed and dated - he realizes what he's just done. Taking Lily home means leaving Eric and he can't leave Eric. The only way Eric can come to New York is in a body bag or an urn because no hospital in New York will take a brain dead patient who had been so fucking meticulous about his living will, updating it even to include Brian, Lily, an unborn child, Gus, as well as his siblings, nephews, and parents, making sure every bit of language was right so that no one would be cheated of any inheritance. Brian had thought he was being overly dramatic. He had a will himself - of course he did, he fucking had cancer and had witnessed two hate crimes - but Eric had been so set on making sure everything was in order in case they died somehow. He made sure that Lily and the baby would go to Cynthia if they both died - or Lindsey and Mel if something happened to Cynthia too, so that they could be with Gus. Michael and Ben are third on the list, Amanda and Diego are fourth, and Rick and Sally are fifth - in case something fucking catastrophic occurs and kills off all of them. Brian had felt a better fit would be Emmett and Drew, considering Lily is so close with them, but Eric had just shook his head and said, "Lily loves Duncan. Loves loves, according to her. They can't become siblings."

But along with a list of assets, inheritance breakdowns, and guardianship requests, he had also included a portion for end of life care. One that stated not to keep Eric on life support if there was no hope, to pull the plug if there was no improvement.

He just signed papers to have Lily moved back home if she continues to stabilize. And he knows he isn't going to leave Eric behind.

The tears hit him before he can stop them and it isn't just him and Lily in the room. Michael and Emmett are both there to witness the numbness fading away again. Michael immediately pulls his chair closer and wraps his arms around Brian. Brian thinks about saying he's fine but it would all spill out then, every fucking bit of it, so he stays silent and hides his face when the tears refuse to stop.

"You're allowed to cry," Michael says into his ear, his voice choked, "It's fucking expected. Let it out, Brian. It's okay."

He can't 'let it out'. He fucking can't. Expected his ass. He has no right to. Rick may blame himself for all of this, but Brian knows who is really at fault. He knows with 100% certainty.

-----------------------

George and Clover arrive and George is already completely high upon arrival. Not his usual high, happy and laid back. No, this high is creating a numbness similar to what Brian is feeling. His brother-in-law sits next to him - in solidarity, Brian can only assume. The man's face looks lifeless, as if he's avoiding feeling everything Brian's avoiding too.

"You want the rest of these?" George asks in a monotone voice, passing over a small tin of THC gummies.

Brian shakes his head. That's all he does. It might take George by surprise. Part of Eric's exasperations with George had been the fact that George and Brian got high together close to every single night they were in the same house. Thinking of that keeps him from reaching for the gummies. Edibles take a couple of hours to kick in anyway.

"I know we were different," George rasps out, sniffling as he quickly rubs a hand over his face, "But we were getting closer. He was calling a lot more. He...He's my little brother. I always loved him."

"I know you did," Brian says, staring straight ahead.

"And I…" George continues, trailing off before gesturing at Lily "I will always love her. So uh...so if you need anything, I will be there for you guys. Just because...Just because this is happening doesn't mean you aren't still my brother-in-law. You're family. So are Gus, Lily, and the baby-"

George breaks off with a sob before getting himself under control, "Eric was really excited to meet that new little girl. He was so fucking close, man. So fucking close."

Brian doesn't know what to say to that. He's afraid to utter a single word.

"I'm uh…" George starts, then points his thumb towards the door, "I'm gonna go see him. I haven't yet, couldn't bring myself to walk in. But if I don't, I will fucking regret it for the rest of my life."

While Brian doesn't know what to say to that either, he knows exactly how George feels. And knowing George is the last one needing to see Eric has Brian's heart dropping into his stomach, as if it has just detached itself, beating weakly in the completely wrong part of his body.

It only leaves him.

He's the only one left.

-----------------------

Early Tuesday morning, Brian sends out a mass text that he's arranging for the doctors to take Eric off of life support. It's probably a cruel way to tell everyone, some cold and clinical text, but he can't deal with saying the words out loud more than he has to, so that's how he does it. He waits for Emmett and Cynthia. He knows them well enough to know that they are barely sleeping. He texts them privately to ask if they can sit with Lily. When they arrive, Michael comes too and when they all look like they want to touch him or console him pointlessly, he just holds up his hand.

"I can't do this right now," he says honestly, meeting their eyes for the first time since they arrived, "Just let me go. Please."

They do.

The walk to the other side of the hospital feels like it goes on for miles, but when he finally arrives, it takes several minutes of loitering outside of Eric's room before he can bring himself to walk in. And then he does, because he really wants Eric right now and Eric is inside.

But once he walks in, he sees that Eric doesn't really look like Eric. His head is wrapped in bandages and the ventilator forced down his throat gives him an expression Brian has never seen. His legs feel like Jell-O as he makes his way to the chair and he takes Eric's hand because he can't touch his curls like he wants to. He just wants to see him look normal. He wants him to be sleeping like he can convince himself Lily is. One look at Eric here and Brian knows his husband isn't asleep. One look can tell Brian that his husband is-

"Hey…" Brian starts off after a shaky inhale, "You uh...You-"

Brian breaks off and sucks back the tears threatening to spill over. Taking a few deep breaths, he tries again.

"I'm sorry," Brian chokes out, biting his lip so hard that he's surprised it isn't bleeding, "I'm so fucking sorry. I should have fucking been on that train. You helped your friend, you saved our kid, and this is what fucking happens to you? This is it?"

Brian quickly puts his head down, pressing his face into Eric's side. He wants Eric to run his fingers through his hair, tell him that he's going to be fine, be the one Brian completely breaks down in front of because Eric is the only one Brian wants comforted by right now.

But none of those things are going to happen. None of them, never again. He thinks of what else he can say. He could recall their best moments, talk about how there should have been so many more of them, assure him that Lily is going to be okay (she will be, she fucking will be) and that the baby will be okay too. He should tell Eric that he can let go now, that they'll be okay. But as soon as he tries, he can't get those words past the lump in his throat.

"I love you," Brian says instead, taking Eric's hand to kiss it, then leans up to kiss his forehead, the corner of his eyelid, and his face that only one of Brian's tears falls on.

He doesn't try to say anything else. He stays silent, even when the doctor disconnects Eric from the machines and Eric's heart ceases to beat. He doesn't move. He doesn't cry. He doesn't let the terror and indescribable pain ruin the last minutes he will ever have with his husband. Even though they are the worst minutes he has ever gone through in his life, he doesn't give into the pain because Brian knows there will be no coming back from it.

He just sits there with his arms around Eric's torso for as long as the doctors will let him.