Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) 

 

Chapter 35

 

Brian woke up to a soft voice speaking by his side. He immediately recognised the voice and a small smile spread on his face when he heard what it was talking about.


“You know, princess, your Daddy asked me to marry him last night. And I said yes,” Justin was saying and Brian could only imagine that he was talking to Vicky.

 

She had probably woken up and demanded their attention and Justin had taken care of her and returned to bed with her. Not wanting to disturb the moment, Brian pretended to still be asleep and decided to listen some more to what his fiance – God, fiance! Who would have ever thought – was saying to their daughter.

 

“It's weird, you know? I've never really thought about it. I mean, yes, I have thought about marrying your Daddy years and years ago when I was still younger and we were together, but at the time your Daddy thought marriage was ridiculous and he didn't believe in it. I did. I saw so many of our friends getting married, settling down. I don't really know why, but it just felt like something I wanted to do at the time as well. I mean, I was still very young. Probably way too young to get married anyway, but I loved your Daddy so much and was so sure that we would always be together. I didn't even care about anything else. You know... your Daddy was not the same man then that he is now and things between us were very different back then. I didn't care though. Honestly. I loved him. And I knew who he was and I loved who he was and just wanted to marry him.”

 

Brian heard as Justin stopped for a few seconds and he could hear Vicky gurgle happily. He was probably tickling her or teasing her somehow to keep her amused.

 

“It's weird, but then things changed. Maybe it was because I became obsessed with marriage or settling down or maybe it was just the things around us that had changed and tried to influence our lives, but...I changed. Your Daddy changed and we got to a point where I honestly thought we would never get married. I didn't even think we would have a future together at all. And then he asked me and I knew that at the time he didn't mean it. He had no interest in getting married or changing into someone he was not and him asking me was just an attempt to hold on to us in some way or other. And can you believe it, but I said no. Here he was, finally asking me to marry him, the one thing I had always dreamed about and I said no. God... it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted nothing more than to say yes, but I just knew it wasn't real.”

Brian heard Justin sigh and he could hear some sadness in his voice. He wanted to interrupt, wanted to tell Justin that it had been real. That he had meant it, but thinking back to their conversation from the night before, Justin had probably been right. It wouldn't have worked. They hadn't been ready. Neither of them had been. He hadn't worked through his issues, hadn't faced his demons from his childhood and youth and Justin hadn't made a name for himself in the art world yet. He would always have felt like Brian's kept boy even if he hadn't been. Justin had been right the night before. It wouldn't have worked. As much as it pained him to admit it, he knew that it was the truth. Hanging on to his own thoughts for a bit, Brian missed when Justin continued to speak.

 

“...I said yes. I couldn't not say yes. I mean, the house was amazing and he seemed so sincere. It was everything I had ever hoped and dreamed for. And even though some part of me was still reluctant to believe in it being real, the bigger part of me, the hopeless romantic as your Daddy would call it, just couldn't resist and gave in. And I've never been happier. Those few weeks, planning our wedding, getting everything ready for the big day, you have no idea, sweetie, but I felt happier than I ever thought I could. I wanted to believe so hard that we could make it work, that we were ready and would be able to get the marriage I had always dreamed of.”


Brian heard the faraway longing in Justin's voice and cursed himself for all the pain he had ever caused him. Justin would have deserved so much better and it was a miracle that after everything he had put him through, he was still here and had still said yes last night. Brian couldn't help but wonder if Justin really wanted to get married or if he had just said yes to not hurt Brian. As those thoughts made it through his mind, Brian wondered where they were coming from. Why was he suddenly thinking that about Justin? Justin wouldn't do something he didn't want to do. He was much like himself in that respect. And Justin would never have agreed to get married if he didn't want to and didn't think they would make it work this time. Justin wouldn't just say yes to please him. Hell, he hadn't even done that the first time Brian had proposed. Even then Justin had been more man than him and had been honest and real about the reasons why Brian had asked him to marry him to begin with. If Justin didn't want to get married, he would say so and they would talk about it. Damn, why was he suddenly feeling so insecure? This wasn't like him. Brian was about to sigh, but then stopped himself, knowing that that would give away to Justin that he was awake and he didn't want the younger man to find out yet. He liked listening to Justin talk to their daughter, he liked how soft and gentle his voice sounded as he talked to her, despite the emotional topic.

 

“We didn't get married after all,” he heard Justin say then, but this time there was no sadness in his voice. “As much as I had wanted to get married at the time, I think it was for the best. I wasn't ready. I was too young, too inexperienced and as much as I hate to admit it, I guess I also needed that time in New York.”

 

Brian could hear Vicky gurgle some more and wondered what she was thinking of this morning's entertainment. She seemed quite entertained by their history if her gurgling was any indication.

 

“It changed everything, you know?” Now Justin sounded sad and Brian wasn't surprised. Every time he thought back to that time, he felt the pain as well. And he could only imagine how much worse it had to be for Justin, knowing all the young man had missed here in Pittsburgh. Knowing what he and everyone else had kept secret from him back then.

 

“Things didn't go the way we had wanted to. The way I had wanted to. Everything fell apart and...back then I didn't know why. I just know they did and it was hard, you know? I never quite understood how we made it through that, but we did. I did! I guess we can suffer through more pain than we think we can before we break completely.”


Justin was quiet for some time and Brian wondered if he was crying. He wondered if he should let Justin know that he was awake and listening and if he should offer him some comfort. Just as he was about to open his eyes to check on Justin, Justin's quiet voice continued speaking and Brian continued listening as before.

 

“I just hope you'll never have to suffer like that, princess. Life can be hard, harder than anyone ever tells you about, but I guess somehow we always find a way through anyway. I just... I want you to know that I'll be here for you, no matter what. Whatever you're going through, you can always come to me and I'll be there for you. I'll always love you and protect you.”


When Justin finished, Brian could hear the tears in his voice. He could hear the emotion and more than anything he could hear the love Justin felt for their daughter. Justin would never let Vicky suffer alone. It just wasn't him. Brian knew that Justin would rather die than see their children in pain and he hoped that somehow Justin also knew that it was the same for him. He knew he didn't have the best track record when it came to showing people that he loved them, but he would never do anything to hurt Justin or his children ever again. He would rather die than cause any more pain than he had already caused.

 

“God, that got depressing, didn't it? This was supposed to be happy. We're getting married. I am supposed to be happy, not sitting here crying. And I am, even though it might not look like it, but I am happy, sweetie. I love your Daddy and both of us have worked so hard in recent years to make this work. We have worked so hard to get to this point. And I am happy that we made it. I am ecstatic that we even got to the point where we started talking about marriage again. I am not sure I ever thought we would, knowing how many painful memories were connected to that topic for both of us, but we did and we made it through that conversation in one piece. We're still here and doing better and going stronger than before.”


Now Brian could hear a smile in Justin's voice and could hear how his soft voice sounded happier, more elated.

 

“I love your Daddy. I love him more than anything and probably more than is good for me, but I love him. I can't help it. He is my life. Without him, I wouldn't have you, Luke and Gus. Without him I wouldn't be alive today. He has saved my life, he has taught me so many things about life and to know that he'll be with me until this crazy journey called life is over, that he'll be by my side through whatever life throws at us, it gives me hope. It makes me happy and it calms me. I know that no matter what, with your Daddy by my side, we'll be okay. All of us. There is nothing he wouldn't do for any of us. And just knowing that he loves us that much is amazing.”

 

Brian felt bad for listening in to Justin's private thoughts like this and once again he felt like he should go and announce that he had woken up to him, but he just couldn't. Listening to Justin talk like that was so revealing to him. Yes, he and Justin had gotten way better in recent years where communication was concerned. There was a lot more talking and honesty between them than ever before and most of what Justin was telling Vicky wasn't really new to him, most of this had been talked about between them. Some of it in therapy when they had tried to get their relationship back on track, some of it in the privacy of a conversation just between the two of them, but even though he knew most of what Justin was telling their daughter, he felt bad for intruding on what was clearly a private moment between Justin and their daughter.

 

“The last few months have been hard. So incredibly hard. I was so scared that I would lose him and you. I was so scared for both of you. I don't know if I would have survived losing you or your Daddy. I guess I would have, because Gus and Luke would have needed me and we are stronger than we think we are in situations like that, but you have no idea how grateful I am that it never came to that and I didn't have to find out. Sometimes, when I saw your Daddy being so sick and weak... I couldn't help but wonder if he would have prefered to go out in a blaze of glory as he had always said instead of taking on the fight, knowing how much he suffered and how sick it made him. Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn't have been easier for him not to fight, but I'll be forever grateful that he took on the fight and that he made it through it and came out on the other side. I am so happy that you'll grow up knowing your Daddy. That you'll get to know the amazing man that I know, that your brothers know. That you won't just get to hear stories from us about him, but that you'll get to experience what he's like as your father yourself. You're one of the luckiest girls on this planet, you know? He loves you so much. He loves you more than anything. Just like he loves me and your brothers. And seeing his love for you, for your brothers and for me in his eyes every time I look at him... it's an amazing feeling. It's the reason why I would have always said yes again and again every time he had asked me to marry him. I have no doubt that we'll make it this time. I know we will. We made it through so much shit already, we know that together we can face anything and be fine. I know that we'll be happy. Your Daddy makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Happier than I was the first time I agreed to marry him. I didn't think it was possible, but it's true. Seeing the man he has turned into, the man he has grown up to be, it's made me realise how lucky I am that I am the one he chose to have by his side. And you know, sweetie, there is nowhere I'd rather be. I love him. And I am going to marry him. I'll be a real Kinney-Taylor as well. Just like you and your brother. You have no idea how amazing that feels. I feel like I could burst from all the happiness.”

When Justin ended, Brian felt relieved to hear that his voice had taken on a way happier tone again. Gone was the melancholy and sadness and back were the happiness and obvious love that Justin felt for him and the kids. Brian could hear in every word how much Justin loved him and their children, not that he had ever had any doubt, he could hear in every syllable of his last sentences how excited Justin was to get married. He wondered why he had allowed his earlier thoughts to settle in his brain at all. He knew Justin loved him. He knew how happy Justin had been last night after he had said yes. Why did he always allow his own insecurities to sneak up on him like that? Justin loved him. Had loved him for years and if Brian had ever had any doubts about how much he loved him, he just had to look at the simple fact that he was still by his side after everything he had done. After all the pain he had caused him, Justin was still by his side, had stayed with him when he had gotten sick, had been his rock through everything in recent months. Justin loved him and if Brian had ever had any doubt about that, the last few months should have taught him differently.


He just wished that his mind would stop playing evil tricks like that on him. He knew that Justin deserved better from him than having him doubt him like that. He wasn't treating him fairly by doubting him like he had earlier and he vowed to himself that he would stop doubting his own emotions. Every touch, every kiss coming from Justin told him how much he loved him. From now on he would just trust those feelings more than whatever his mind would say.

 

Brian's thoughts were interrupted when he heard Justin's laughing voice close to his face. “Stop creasing your forehead like that. It will give you wrinkles and we both know how much you would hate that.”

 

When Brian pretended to still be asleep and didn't react, he felt Justin's hand on his cheek, gently caressing it. “I know you're awake. You were never any good at faking sleep.”

 

Brian sighed, knowing that he had been caught and slowly opened his eyes. He saw Justin sitting up in bed, his back rested against the headboard of the bed, his legs drawn up, Vicky resting against his thighs. From the looks of it, she was sleeping peacefully now.

 

“How long?” Brian just asked, his gaze meeting Justin's after he had taken the scene in.

 

“Pretty much the second you woke up,” Justin admitted, a small smile on his lips. When he saw Brian's confused face, he just went on. “Your breathing changes when you're awake. It just sounds different when you sleep.”

 

“Why did you continue talking if you knew I was awake?” Brian frowned, his eyes never leaving Justin's.


“Why not? Nothing I said is a secret. No more secrets, right?”

 

Brian nodded, then they were both quiet for a couple of minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts.

 

“She fell asleep again?” Brian asked next, not quite sure what else to say.

 

Justin chuckled as he turned his gaze to Vicky who was sleeping peacefully against his legs. “Yeah, I think I bored her out of her mind.”

 

Brian watched as Justin gently picked up their daughter and held her in his arms, looking down at her with so much love in his eyes.

 

“I love seeing you like this,” Brian admitted, nodding at the baby in Justin's arms. “You look good with her,” he whispered, watching as Justin cradled the baby in his arms against his naked chest.

 

The blond looked up with a brilliant sunshine smile. “So I am not the only one then, huh?”

 

“The only one?”

 

“I love seeing you with a baby in your arms as well. You look good holding a baby,” Justin admitted a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

 

Brian couldn't help but smile. “Nope, you're not alone. Must be a thing between us.”

 

“One of those weird things that just show that we're made for each other,” Justin mused, his voice clearly amused.

 

“Oh, I am sure the fags on Liberty Avenue would all get hard-ons if they could see you now,” Brian said, only half joking.

 

“But they won't see me like this. This is only for you. For us,” Justin said, before he carefully laid Vicky down between him and Brian and then lay down on her other side, watching her sleep peacefully, securely rested between her fathers.

 

“Only for us,” Brian agreed as his gaze settled on his daughter.

 

“Brian?” Justin said quietly, knowing that there was something he needed to say to Brian and not quite sure how the older man would take it.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I meant it, you know? I want to get married to you. I can't wait to be Justin Kinney-Taylor and to be your husband. I love you and knowing that we'll get married makes me so happy,” Justin started, but then stopped.

 

Brian heard something in the other man's voice and wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Forcing himself to stay calm and not overreact, he turned his gaze to Justin and raised an eyebrow in question. “But? There is a but, isn't there?”

 

“Yes, there is a but,” Justin said quietly, his eyes never leaving Brian's. “When I fed Vicky earlier, I couldn't help but think about us getting married and... I think I want to wait a bit until she is older.”

 

“How old?” Brian asked.

 

Justin shrugged. “I'd like her to be old enough to remember the wedding,” he said quietly. “And... before you overreact, it's not because I am insecure or doubting this whole wedding. It's not! I want to get married to you. I would marry you in a heartbeat. I would marry you right now and not regret it or have any doubts. It's not that.”

 

“Then why?” Brian asked quietly, somehow knowing that Justin wasn't lying. He knew that Justin meant it and he would marry him in an instant. Yet here he was telling Brian that he wanted to wait a while.

 

“I just want her to be a part of it all. She is part of this family and us getting married, it will make us even more of a family. I'll be a Kinney-Taylor as well and,” Justin stopped when he saw the smirk on Brian's face. “What?”

“Kinney-Taylor? Really? We never talked last names.”


“Well, that's the last name Luke and Vicky have. It makes sense to have the same last name, doesn't it?”

 

“It does,” Brian agreed, still smiling. “Just never thought about it. I guess that would mean I'd be a Kinney-Taylor as well.”

Now it was Justin who was frowning. “I guess, though I mean, if you don't want to...”

 

“Twat,” Brian chuckled. “I'd love for us all to have the same last name and become a real family.”

 

“What about Gus?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from now slightly worried eyes.

 

“You know my opinion on that,” Brian said, reaching out a hand and running it through the blond locks he loved so much. “We should talk to him. He's old enough now.”


Justin knew that Brian was refering to him adopting Gus. They had talked about it before, but had then agreed that Justin would become Gus' legal guardian and that they would wait with an adoption until Gus was older and would be able to understand all that really meant. Brian had been the one who had wanted to get the adoption going when they had first got back together and when Gus had started calling Justin Papa, but at the time Justin had felt that it was too early and Gus was too young to really understand all that an adoption would entail.

 

“And in any case,” Brian continued, “You said you didn't want to get married right away, but want to wait until Vicky is older. I guess that would give us some more time.”

 

Justin nodded, agreeing with Brian. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

“So, how long are we talking?”

 

Justin sighed, knowing that Brian wouldn't like what he was about to say next. “I want her to be a part of it, maybe be our flower girl. I want her to be able to remember it. It's about our family and she's a part of it. I want her to remember that and not just for Gus and Luke to remember it.”

 

“We're talking a couple of years here,” Brian said slowly, when he realised what Justin was saying.

 

“I know. I am sorry,” Justin sighed, then turned to lie on his back. “It's just something I want. Otherwise it feels wrong, you know?”

 

“Don't be sorry,” Brian said seriously, looking from Justin to Vicky and back. “It's okay. It's not like we're in any rush.”

 

“But I know that you want this, Brian. And I want it as well, but I want us to do it right,” Justin pleaded with the older man to understand him.

 

“Yeah, I want to marry you, but I'll still want to marry you a couple of years down the line,” Brian said gently. “That's not going to change. You're not going to get rid of me that easily.”


“I don't want to get rid of you,” Justin replied sincerely, turning onto his side again, so he could look at Brian more easily. “I never want to lose you.”

 

“You won't. Not if I have anything to say about it,” Brian whispered and Justin knew that he meant it. He had seen in recent months how much Brian had meant it and how much he had fought to stay with him and their family. He knew that Brian would never leave them if it was in his power.

 

Justin smiled happily. “I love you, Brian Kinney. Never doubt that.”

 

“I love you, too,” Brian replied and then their lips met in a gentle kiss over their daughter's sleeping body.

 

“So, I guess that means there's no need yet to call Honeycutt and tell him the good news, huh?” Brian joked when the kiss ended and he lay back down on his side of Vicky.

 

“We can tell them. I don't mind. He just has to realise that it'll be a while before he can start planning.”

 

“We'll see. Maybe we'll be better off keeping this between us. The less people know, the less they can interfere,” Brian mused. “And I swear to God, if you run off to New York again, I'll hunt down your bubble butt and get it back here myself.”

 

Justin laughed despite himself. “Noted.”

 

A short while later, both men had fallen asleep again, making the best use of the few hours of silence they would have before their sons would be up or before Vicky would demand to be fed again or needed a diaper change.

 

They fell asleep, both of them sleeping either side of their baby girl, their hands entwined over her sleeping body.

 

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