Chapter 30

Less than a week later, eleven weeks after Victoria Rose Kinney-Taylor had been born, the big moment had arrived. Her fathers were allowed to hold her for the first time.

Both men had been beyond excited when the doctors had announced that Victoria had recovered from the surgery a week and a half ago just fine and had gained some further weight.

She was now 4 pounds and generally seemed to be doing better. A couple of days ago some of the machines and infusions had been removed and the day before, the doctors had removed the intubation tube and Vicky had breathed on her own for the first time. As she still had some problems with her lung capacity, the intubation tube had been replaced by a nasal cannula that supported her oxygen levels, much like the one Brian was still wearing to support his lungs. Having had the tube removed, also meant that Vicky had cried for the first time and it had broken Brian's and Justin's heart to hear her pitiful wails after the tube had been removed from her throat. The doctors had told them that the fact that she was crying was a good sign as it showed that her lung capacity and lung volume was improving.

And now, a day later, they would be allowed to hold her for the first time, would be allowed to try and feed her for the first time since she had been born. If she accepted the bottle and the feeding worked fine, she wouldn't need the feeding tube any longer either and would make another big step towards a full recovery and being a normal baby.

Brian and Justin had been ecstatic after the doctor's announcement the day before and had celebrated the good news at home with the boys by having pizza delivered and playing a game. Once the boys had been in bed, Brian and Justin had moved the celebration to their bedroom and had celebrated there.

Thankfully it had been one of Brian's good days as he was two days away from his next treatment and both he and Justin had enjoyed their lovemaking a lot. Since Brian's dick still hadn't shown any signs of life, Brian had used one of their vibrators on Justin and had gently tortured the man with it, until he had come screaming Brian's name at the top of his lungs. Once Justin had recovered, he had repaid the favour and had made love to Brian, touching and kissing the man all over as he plunged into him again and again. Brian might not have been able to ejaculate, but it had been obvious how much he had loved what Justin had been doing to his body and the fact that he had met each and every of Justin's thrusts had shown the younger man how much Brian had needed this as well.

Justin was glad that they had found ways to still satisfy each other in recent weeks and that despite everything that was going on they still had a sex life. Yes, it had changed and no, they didn't nearly have as much sex as they had before Brian had gotten ill, but that would have been ridiculous to expect. Their lives had changed a lot, but they had adapted and just like with everything else, they had tried to make the best of it.

Both Brian and Justin had been nervous as they had made their way over to the hospital that morning after dropping the boys off at school.

On their way up to the NICU, they had held hands and had squeezed the other's hand in support several times. It was obvious that both men were nervous and who could really blame them? Their daughter had nearly died when she had been born and the last three months had been a daily fight for her life and now, for the first time it looked as if that fight might be over for good and they would get to hold her, a sign of how much she had grown and progressed in recent weeks.

They made their way into the room with the incubators, and walked over to Vicky's incubator, where they could see their sleeping daughter. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, like there wasn't a care in the world. They could still see the scar from the brain surgery she had had a week and a half ago, but it didn't seem to bother her at all and she had recovered remarkably well from that surgery.

“Are you excited?” Pam, one of the nurses in NICU asked them as she came over to their incubator and saw them standing next to it, looking at their baby girl.

“You have no idea,” Justin enthused, a huge sunshine smile on his lips. Brian just nodded in agreement, not sure that he trusted his voice.

“Wanna get started then?” She asked, looking from one man to the other.

“Can we? I mean while she's still asleep?” Justin asked with a frown.

“We should be fine. We'll be careful. She shouldn't wake up,” Pam assured them, as she started opening the incubator, carefully lowering the glass door on the side, so she could reach inside and touch Victoria.

She carefully removed the infusion, making sure not to touch any of the bandages or band-aids keeping cables or other necessary equipment in place and then carefully lifted the small girl in her hands. Slowly pulling her out of the incubator, she gently cradled the small girl in her arms, smiling when she moved a little, raising her small fists, but otherwise didn't seem to wake up.

“There you go, princess,” she said quietly, as she nodded at Brian and Justin, with a questioning gaze. “Who wants to go first?” she asked, looking from one man to the other.

“You go,” they each said at the same time which made Pam chuckle.

“Okay, that's not going to work, gentlemen,” she joked, then saw how Brian took a step back and nodded at Justin.

“You go first.”

Justin seemed unsure and nervous and looked at Brian from doubtful eyes, but one reassuring look from Brian told him that it was okay and that he would be fine. Justin nodded, steeling his shoulders for what was to come, cursing himself for feeling so insecure all of a sudden.

This was his daughter. He had been seeing her day in and out for 11 weeks now. And it wasn't like she would be the first baby he would be holding. He had been holding Gus and JR before when they had been babies, he had even held Molly as a baby. Why did he feel so nervous now?

“You've got this, Sunshine,” Brian whispered at his side and Justin nodded gratefully, thanking him for the support.

He took a step closer to Pam and watched as she carefully handed Vicky over into his arms until she was sure that he had her.

Once he held her, she took a step back and smiled at him. “There you go, Daddy.”

Justin chuckled, then nodded at Brian. “That would actually be him. I am Papa,” he said quietly, before he leaned down and looked at the small baby girl in his arms.

“Hey princess, how are you? Are you okay? You've got no idea how good it feels to finally be able to hold you,” he said quietly, running a soft fingertip across his daughter's cheek, being careful not to touch the oxygen cannula she still needed to help her with her breathing.

He turned to look at Brian, wanting to share this moment with his partner and wasn't surprised to see that Brian was taking pictures of him. Of course he would be. Brian and a camera were a match made in heaven and Brian loved taking pictures of Justin and the kids. Why would it be different with him and Vicky?

“Hey Daddy, stop taking pictures and come over here,” Justin teased, urging Brian to come closer, which he did a second later.

“Hey princess, this is your Daddy,” Brian whispered, replacing Justin's fingertip and its soft carress of his daughter's cheek.

Both men felt very emotional as Justin held their daughter for the first time and neither of them wanted the moment to end.

Pam pointed to the chairs next to Vicky's incubator and urged the men to sit down with her. Both men did as suggested by her, their eyes never leaving their daughter's sleeping form in Justin's arms.

“You call me if you need me, okay?” She said, before she moved away to another incubator when both men nodded.

“She hardly weighs anything,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from teary eyes. “She's light as a feather.”

“She won't be forever. She's already more than doubled her weight in the last few weeks.”

Justin nodded, his eyes never leaving his daughter's body in his arms, gently running his fingers across her tiny arms, to her small raised fist.

“You look good holding her,” Brian said, looking at Justin from shining eyes.

“You think? It just feels so alien. And I don't know why. I mean, I've held Gus and JR when they were babies. This just feels so different somehow.”

“Because she's yours. She's your daughter. That makes all the difference,” Brian said with surety, giving Justin's shoulder a squeeze.

“Did you feel like that with Gus and Luke?” Justin asked, looking up at Brian from questioning eyes.

“Yeah,” the older man admitted, looking lovingly at his partner and their daughter in his arms. “It makes all the difference when you're holding your own child.”

“I never want to let her go again,” the blond said next, looking back down at the baby in his arms.

“Hey, I want my turn with her as well,” Brian playfully replied, reaching out a hand to touch Justin's cheek. When he saw the first tear run down the cheek, he gently wiped it away. “You okay, Sunshine?”

Justin nodded, before he looked up and met Brian's concerned eyes. “Yeah, just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.”

Brian knew that Justin didn't just feel overwhelmed because he was holding Vicky, but also because holding her brought back memories of what he had missed with Luke. Moments he would never be able to experience with his son because of what Brian had done.

Brian gently caressed the cheek in his hands and looked at Justin sadly. “I know it doesn't change anything, Sunshine, but I am sorry.”

“It's okay, Brian,” Justin said, holding Brian's gaze. “I know you are. I am okay. It's just a lot to process right now,” Justin smiled, trying to convey to Brian that he was really okay. He didn't want this first moment of being with their daughter in this way to be tainted by memories of a past long gone.

Understanding that Justin was indeed fine and didn't want to talk about it now, Brian nodded, just enjoying the view of his partner with their daughter. For the time being he was just fine leaving her in Justin's arms for as long as the younger man needed to hold her.

Justin held their daughter and Brian and Justin talked quietly to her for another half an hour, before she started stirring, making it obvious that she would be waking up soon.

“Hey, I think someone would like to join this party,” Brian said with a smile, happy when he saw the honest smile on Justin's face as their gazes met.

“It's about time, princess. Daddy and I can't wait to see your baby blues from up close.”

Victoria had shining blue eyes, which Brian claimed she had inherited from her Papa. When Justin pointed out that eye colour in babies wasn't really set until the age of two and most babies were born with blue eyes, Brian had just replied that she had light blond hair as well, so much like Luke, she had probably gotten a lot of Justin's looks much like her older brother.

Justin didn't seem as convinced of that as Brian was and pointed out that she definitely had inherited her father's nose. While Brian absolutely couldn't see that, Gus had immediately agreed with Justin on his assessment that Victoria's nose was definitely Brian's. Maybe it was something only artists could see. Who was he to question his two resident artists?

A couple of minutes later, Vicky had fully woken up and was looking around at everyone and everything with wide, blue eyes.

“Hey baby girl. How are you? I am so happy to finally be able to hold you,” Justin said quietly, as Vicky's fist reached up for his face and touched his chin.

Her fingers then uncurled and moved to his face, before she started looking around. Not quite sure what to make of what she was seeing, she decided to do what babies did best and started crying in her father's arms.

“Hey, shhhhhhh, don't cry. It's okay, baby girl,” Justin whispered, trying to soothe the crying baby in his arms. Her crying had now increased to wailing and he helplessy looked over to Brian.

“Hey, sweetie. Don't cry. You're making your Papa sad,” Brian said quietly, running a finger down her cheek gently.

They saw how she turned her head in the direction of Brian's voice and seemed to point her small hands in his direction.

“Really?” Justin asked, looking at Brian in mock accusation. “I can't believe she already likes you more than me.”

“She probably recognises my voice and knows that I carried her. She probably expects me to have food for her,” Brian said reasonably, holding his finger out to his daughter, not surprised when she pulled it towards her mouth and started sucking on it. “She's hungry. She is your daughter after all.”

“And sucks like a pro,” Justin grinned. He saw Brian grin back at him, but saw him wipe that grin off his face when Pam came over to them, holding a small bottle of formula in her hands.

“Someone is hungry, huh?” She said, directing her sentence at the small girl that was still sucking on her Daddy's finger while in her father's arm. “How about we try this and see how feeding her with the bottle works?”

Justin and Brian nodded, watching as Pam kneeled down in front of Justin. She told Brian to remove his finger, which immediately resulted in Vicky wailing again. She then handed the bottle of warm formula to Justin. “Try to get her to drink from it,” she said gently, watching as Justin led the bottle to Vicky's small mouth.

At first she continued wailing and crying, not really realising what was happening, until she felt something in her mouth. When her lips closed around the small teat, she seemed almost confused for a minute, before she started sucking on it like she had on her father's finger before.

Her tears immediately stopped and she seemed to eye everything around her in mild fascination as she continued sucking on the teat.

“That's it,” Pam said proudly as she watched Vicky eagerly drink her first bottle.

“Try to get her to drink the whole bottle,” she directed at Brian and Justin, who both nodded. “We want to get some more meat on these bones, right, sweetie?”

She then left the little family alone and moved over to some of her other patients.

“Sucking like a pro,” Brian confirmed once Pam had left, picking up Justin's earlier comment. “Truly our child, just like her brother.”

Justin couldn't help but grin, feeling happy that his daughter was taking her meal from the bottle instead of the infusions attached to her small body. Maybe things would finally start looking up for her.

Vicky managed to empty almost all of the bottle and Justin handed her over to Brian, deciding that he had already held on to her long enough, so that Brian could gently burp her. He cursed himself for not having taken his sketchpad to the hospital because right then he didn't want to do anything more than sketch the beautiful scene of Brian burping their daughter.

He memorised the scene and knew that he would sketch it later that night. Gus had been right, he was itching to sketch Brian and Victoria. Brian and babies was just a sight to behold. Who didn't love seeing a man like Brian gently cradle a small baby in his arms, holding her close, secure, protecting her from all harm in his arms, looking at her with all the love he could feel? To Justin it was one of the best sights in the world.

As he watched Brian with their daughter, he wondered if maybe the bad days would finally be over. As far as he was concerned they had definitely been through enough. More than enough.

They were finally able to hold their daughter, to feed her from a bottle like any other baby, had been informed by doctors that if she continued to improve like she was now, she might be able to leave the NICU soon, to be transferred to the neonatal ward where her brothers would finally be allowed to come and visit her as well.

Brian only had two more treatments to go, then his first cycle of chemotherapy would be over. So far the doctors were cautiously optimistic, claiming that so far Brian's bloodwork and other test results looked good and the cancer hadn't spread.

Maybe, just maybe the worst was really over and they would be able to move on soon. Justin really hoped so.