Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) 

 

Chapter 28

 

“Yeah?” Justin asked tiredly, picking up his phone, immediately wondering why it would be ringing in the middle of the night. When he heard the voice on the other end of the line, he immediately woke up completely and felt a shudder run down his spine. “What? Yeah, no. I'll be there right away. Just... God, please keep me updated.”


He hung up and immediately got out of bed, running over to the closet, pulling out a pair of jeans and a shirt.

 

“Sunshine?” He heard Brian's tired voice, only now realising that he hadn't been paying his partner any attention at all. “What's going on?” the older man asked tiredly.

 

Brian had now been nine weeks into his chemotherapy and his side effects had gotten worse and worse from week to week. He had just had his latest treatment two days ago and was slowly coming out of the worst of it. He had been sicker than ever before which in return had made him more exhausted than before and Brian had mostly been going from sick in the bathroom to exhaustedly passing out in the bed and back.

 

Justin wondered for a brief second if he should lie to his partner, but knew that he couldn't. He and Brian had come to an understanding weeks ago and they had promised each other to be honest. They would make it through this together. There was no way Justin could not tell him what was going on.

 

He walked back to the bed and sat down, looking down at Brian's exhausted, haggard face with a concerned expression.


“It was the hospital,” he began and he could immediately see how Brian's body tensed up. There was only one reason why the hospital would be calling at this hour of the night.

 

“What's going on?” Brian asked, hardly able to get out the words, being that exhausted, but in the end the fear for his daughter won over.

 

“She had an intraventricular hemorrhage,” Justin started and if the situation hadn't been that serious, both men might have found humour in them both knowing without any further description that an intraventricular hemorrhage was a bleeding in the brain that could cause brain injury.

 

Before he could continue, Brian interrupted him. “But those only happen within the first few days.”

“I know, but... I don't know why now. They just told me to come to the hospital right away.”

 

Usually intraventricular hemorrhages only occurred within the first couple of days of life of a premature baby, but not after two months. They had thought the danger for hemorrhages had been over.

 

There had been some cases of concern with Victoria in recent weeks, instances when her immune system or her respiratory system hadn't developed quite at the rate the doctors had wanted or in a way they had expected, but overall the doctors had assured them that Victoria was doing fine. She had gained some weight and was nearly 3 ½ pounds now and had grown to 15.5 inches.

 

It had been amazing for Brian and Justin to see her grow that much in such a short amount of time and they had been beyond relieved when her eye cover had finally been removed and they had been able to look at her open eyes for the first time a week before.

 

The doctors had told them that the worst was most likely over and her immune system was developing fine and they would most likely be able to take her out of the incubator and hold her for the first time in the upcoming weeks. It had been 10 weeks now since she had been born and they had yet to hold her and when the doctors had made the announcement that they would be able to hold her soon, they had been beyond delighted. So, why was the hemorrhage happening now? When things finally seemed to look up?

 

“What grade?” Brian asked, knowing that Justin would immediately understand.

 

Both of them had read so much on neonatal intensive care and knew more about the topic than they cared to admit. They both knew that the amount of bleeding could vary. IVHs, intraventricular hemorrhages, were often described in four grades:

 

Grade 1, where the bleeding only occured in a small area of the ventricles.

 

Grade 2, where the bleeding also occured inside the ventricles.

 

Grade 3, where the ventricles were enlarged by the blood.

 

Grade 4, where bleeding into the brain tissues around the ventricles occured.

 

Grades 1 and 2 were the most common, and often there were no further complications. Grades 3 and 4 were the most serious and could result in long-term brain injuries to the baby. For example, hydrocephalus (too much cerebral spinal fluid in the brain) could develop after a severe IVH. Both men knew all of this and knew how serious a hemorrhage like this could be to their daughter.

 

“I don't know. They haven't said. Brian, I have to get to the hospital. I'll call you, okay?” Justin said, the urgency in his voice hard not to hear.

 

“I'll come with you,” Brian groaned as he pulled back the blanket and tried to sit up.


“Brian, stop!” Justin said, looking at his partner sternly. “You can hardly sit up. You can't go to the hospital like this.”

 

“She's my daughter,” Brian started, feeling ready to fight, but then realising how exhausted he was from just sitting up. As much as he wanted to join Justin at the hospital, he knew that the blond was right and he couldn't. He hadn't done anything but vomit and sleep for the last two days, he felt exhausted beyond belief, there was no way he would even make it to the hospital without collapsing. Realising that Justin was right, Brian flopped back on his pillow. “Keep me updated, please!” he pleaded in a defeated voice.

 

“I will,” Justin promised, leaving a kiss on Brian's forehead. He looked at his partner for a couple more seconds, knowing how hard this was for Brian. Knowing how much his partner wanted to be at the hospital with their daughter, how much he wanted to be by Justin's side and wanted to be there for him and Victoria. He felt torn between Brian's pain and his daughter needing him, but in the end Vicky won. Brian would be okay. Justin would take care of him later.

 

“I am sorry, Brian. I love you,” he whispered, before he left the bed and quickly got dressed, then left for the hospital in a hurry.

 

For the next few hours, Brian was going up the walls, not hearing from Justin at all. Despite being dead tired, he hadn't been able to go back to sleep and had just been twisting and turning in his bed. He had texted Justin several times, asking for updates, but hadn't received any reply back, which made him scared more than anything. Justin wasn't the type of person to ignore Brian's attempts at communication and if he promised to keep him updated on their daughter's condition, he would. Unless... No, Brian forced himself not to go there.

 

When it got close to the time they had to get up and get the boys ready for school, Brian realised that he was in no way ready to get the boys ready and to school on his own. He hadn't thrown up in a couple of hours, but he still felt incredibly sore due to his musle aches and more than exhausted. He could hardly sit up, let alone get up and prepare breakfast and drive the boys to school.

 

Not knowing what else to do, Brian decided to call in for support.

 

He gave Jennifer a quick call, knowing that she of all their friends and family had the shortest drive to Britin and asked her to come over and help with the boys.

She had obviously been confused and worried by his request and Brian promised to her that he would explain once she came to the house.

 

Half an hour later, she appeared in the doorway of the bedroom and immediately walked into the room, stopping by the side of the bed.

 

“What's going on, Brian? Where is Justin?”

“At the hospital,” Brian replied, feeling the lack of sleep catch up with him. He was so exhausted.

 

“What happened?” She immediately asked, knowing that something had to have happened to get Justin to the hospital at this time of day.

 

In recent weeks Brian and Justin had been doing so much better at accepting help and dividing their time between themselves, their sons and their daughter. She knew that Justin usually only went to the hospital after he had taken the boys to school and on days when Brian was too sick to join him, he would usually head back home first to check on Brian and would then decide if Brian was well enough to be left alone or would call someone in the family to come and stay with Brian while he went to the hospital. She knew that Brian hadn't been feeling well at all in recent days after his last treatment and she had been staying with him for the whole day the day before. To get Justin to the hospital this early, something had to have happened, she had no doubt.

 

“She had an IVH,” he sighed. At Jennifer's questioning look, he went on to explain. “An intraventricular hemorrhage. A bleeding in the brain that can cause brain injury.”

 

“Oh my God,” Jennifer's hand flew to her mouth in shock. “I thought she was doing better. I thought she was getting better. She has gained weight and Justin said you might be able to hold her soon.”


“I know... This isn't supposed to happen. It usually only happens during the first few days of life, but... for some reason it has happened and...God, this is so fucked!”

 

“Is she okay?” Jennifer asked in obvious concern.

 

“I don't fucking know. Justin is not replying. He chose the fucking worst time to start ignoring my texts,” Brian muttered, sounding helpless more than anything else.

 

Jennifer looked at the man in the bed and reached out a hand to his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I am sure he has good reason not to text back.”

 

Brian eyed her, making it clear what he thought of that explanation and just shook his head. “And I fucking can't even take care of my own sons in his absence. I am good for nothing right now,” he muttered angrily, slamming his fist into the sheets at his sides with far less power than he would have wished for. He was that exhausted.

 

“Don't worry about it, Brian. I'll take care of them,” she said quietly, knowing how hard this was for Brian. She knew how much he loved his children and she knew how much he hated being sick on the best of days. But being sick now, under these circumstances and not being able to take care of his sons and his daughter, that was gnawing at her son's partner. Any fool could see that.

 

In the end he just nodded, once more reaching for his cell phone. Jennifer decided to give him a couple of minutes and left the room, looking for her grandsons.

 

Both Gus and Luke had been surprised to see her instead of their Papa when she had woken them up. She had quickly explained to both of them that their Papa had to go to the hospital to be with Vicky, but that she was sure that everything was alright and that their daddy was still feeling really sick from his latest treatment.

 

Both boys had understandably been upset when they had heard about some emergency at the hospital and Jennifer had tried to downplay it as much as she could.

 

After much talking, she had gotten the boys ready for school in time. Just as they were ready to leave, she heard Brian shuffle into the kitchen. He gave both boys his most encouraging smile and gave them both a hug, holding them tight.

 

It was as if he had known that his boys had needed some encouraging words from their father, what with the news of their sister being sick hanging over their heads.

 

Thankfully neither boy realised how much that little display of affection had taken out of Brian, but Jennifer could see it in his tired eyes and his drawn features. She knew how much this had cost Brian, but at the same time she also knew that the man would have done anything to encourage his sons and make this any easier on them.

 

“I'll take them to school and will head to the hospital afterwards. I'll call you when I get there,” she promised, hugging him slightly, knowing only too well how sensitive his skin was after treatments. “I promise.”


He nodded at her in thanks and smiled when she handed him a thermos with some ginger tea which always helped him settle his nausea some.

 

“Thanks,” he said quietly, flopping into the nearest chair in exhaustion.


“Try to get some rest,” she told him sternly and he nodded once more before she left the kitchen and the house with the boys.

 

He really didn't know what he would have done without her help that morning. He slowly made his way into the living-room and settled on the sofa, his cell phone by his side the whole time.

 

***

 

He startled awake when he heard his phone ring. Grabbing for it tiredly, he took the call without even looking at the caller ID.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Brian? Are you okay?”

 

“How is she?” he immediately asked when he recognised the caller as Justin. “Why didn't you call before?”

 

“I am sorry, Brian. She was in surgery and I didn't have any update until she came out of surgery and when I wanted to tell you, I realised my battery had died,” he immediately apologised. “I called as soon as I could when Mom came and gave me her phone.”

 

“Is she okay?” Brian repeated his question, his worry only increasing when Justin mentioned a surgery. He knew that a surgery was only necessary sometimes to stabilize the condition of the baby.

 

“She is alright. She is a real fighter, you know? Just like her daddy,” Justin whispered, overcome by emotions.

 

“What happened?” Brian asked, suddenly feeling more awake than he had felt in hours. Justin had said she was alright, so that had to be a good sign.

 

“She had a seizure during the night. As she had never had seizures before, they were worried about it and immediately had a cranial ultrasound where they found the hemorrhage. She had surgery to place a catheter into her skull, but she came out of surgery about half an hour ago.”

 

“And she's okay? No long-term damage?”

 

“They don't know yet, but they think she'll be alright. They won't be able to say until she wakes up though. Right now they think they found it quick enough and that she should be fine,” Justin explained quietly and Brian could hear that the younger man's emotions were all over the place, just like his own.

 

“Are you okay?” Brian asked quietly, wondering how Justin was holding up.

 

“What?” Justin sounded confused, as if he hadn't expected that question from his partner.

 

“I asked if you were okay. Are you alright?” Brian repeated his question, sounding concerned.

 

“Brian,” Justin sighed, taking a deep breath. “You're the one sitting at home fighting the side effects of chemo therapy while our daughter just had brain surgery. Out of all of us, I am probably the most okay right now.”

 

Brian knew what Justin was doing, knew how Justin was trying to divert the conversation from how he was doing, not wanting to burden Brian with his own emotions.

 

“That's not what I asked. I asked if you're alright. So answer me, Sunshine,” Brian urged.

 

There was a long silence before Justin took a deep breath and answered. It was obvious that he had been fighting with himself whether or not to tell the truth.

 

“I am scared,” he admitted quietly. “I was so fucking worried. I was going crazy. And what if she wakes up and they find that she'll have lasting damage from the hemorrhage? What then?”

“Then we'll deal with it. Together,” Brian said with determination in his voice. “Is your mom with you now?”


“Yeah,” Justin said softly. “Thanks for calling her.”

 

“I had no choice. There was no way I could have gotten the boys ready for school,” Brian admitted.

 

“Are you okay?” Justin asked, his voice sounding just as concerned as Brian's had earlier. He knew how hard it had to be on the man to be at home all alone, not knowing what was going on with their daughter.

 

“I am fine.”

 

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “No bullshit. Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah...,” Brian finally admitted after he was quiet for the longest time. “Just going crazy here. I can't do anything and it's driving me mad,” he admitted, knowing that Justin would be able to understand.

 

“I know,” and he did. “Try to get some rest. I'll call you when Vicky wakes up, okay?”


“Okay,” Brian agreed, ready to hang up when he heard Justin's voice once more.

 

“Do you want me to call someone? I can ask Debbie or Emmett to come by.”

 

“Nah, I'll be fine. Your mom left some ginger tea and I think I'll try to head back to bed. I am fucking exhausted,” Brian admitted.

 

“Okay. Try to sleep. I'll call you as soon as I know more,” Justin promised. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Brian replied before ending the call.

 

Knowing that there wasn't much that he could do from home, cursing his cancer once again, feeling angry at himself and his sickness for not being able to be with his daughter, he carefully made his way back into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, being asleep within five minutes of having gotten up from the sofa in the living-room.

 

When he next woke up, he frowned when he felt a gentle finger carress his cheek. He slowly opened one eye and raised an eyebrow or rather a non-existent eyebrow since he had lost that hair as well when his other hair had fallen out and looked at Justin in confusion. “Why are you here?”

 

“You needed me,” the younger man just said, running his hand over Brian's cheek once more.

 

“Vicky needs you,” Brian replied to that, wondering why Justin would be with him and not their daughter.

 

“Mom and Debbie are with her. She's still mostly out of it from the anesthesia, but she's okay. They will call if they need me to come to the hospital,” Justin explained. “The doctors think she'll be alright and will make a full recovery.”

 

“Thank fuck!” Brian exclaimed, looking at Justin from teary eyes.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Justin smiled, his own eyes tearing up at Brian's reaction. “She's a little fighter. Our little fighter.”

 

Brian could only nod at that and leaned into Justin's touch some more. Justin smiled then carefully laid down next to Brian, stretching out at his side.

 

“I am sorry I had to leave you alone with the boys and everything.”


“Don't worry. You were needed at the hospital.”

 

“You needed me as well,” Justin said quietly, never ceasing his caress of Brian's cheek.

 

“I am okay. I can take care of myself.”


“But you shouldn't,” Justin whispered, burying his head in Brian's neck.

 

“She needed you more than I did,” Brian said honestly, knowing that Justin was beating himself up about something that deserved no beating up. “You made the right choice.”

 

“I hate that I had to leave you like that.”

 

“It's okay. I am okay,” Brian said sincerely, holding the smaller body close.

 

“I am so fucking tired,” Justin yawned, settling into a more comfortable position at Brian's side.

 

“Get some sleep. I'll wake you if someone calls,” Brian promised and was relieved when Justin didn't fight him on it. The younger man had to be more tired than he would have liked to admit because Brian knew that on a normal day he would have fought Brian and would have insisted to stay up in case the hospital or his mom or Debbie called about Vicky.

 

Within five minutes Justin was deep asleep in his arms and Brian wondered when the younger man would finally be able to get a break. He wondered when all of this would be over and their lives could finally return to normal. He hated what their lives had become and he knew that Justin hated it too even though he would never admit it.

 

He just hoped that there would be a return to normal and that it would be soon. At least he had made it through most of his chemotherapy already. 12 weeks and he had already made it through nine. Hopefully there would be no more after those 12 weeks. They all deserved a break. And hopefully there would be no more scares like the one they had been through the previous night for their daughter. She most of all deserved a break.

 

With that thought in mind, Brian fell asleep only a couple of minutes later and both men slept until Jennifer returned home with the boys in the afternoon, informing them that Vicky seemed to be doing just fine and that Debbie would stay with her until the end of day, giving Brian and Justin a much needed break.

 

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