Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) 

 

Chapter 27

 

“Fuck!”

Justin heard Brian exclaim from their ensuite and frowned. Brian had been in the bathroom for quite a while now and Justin wondered what the cursing was about that had been going on for a couple of minutes now.

 

“Just fuck, fuck, fuck!”

 

He frowned, feeling concerned. Justin knew that Brian hadn't been feeling all that great in recent days. He had been through another chemotherapy treatment and for some reason this treatment seemed to have hit him much harder than the ones before. Brian had been vomiting and feeling nauseous for more than three days and the diarrhea had been worse than ever before. Brian had hardly been able to keep any food inside and it had been obvious that in just the last couple of days he had lost more weight.


By now the effects of the chemotherapy had become pretty visible even if you didn't know that Brian was undergoing chemo treatments. He had lost quite a bit of weight in recent weeks and his skin had taken on an ashen, grey look. His usual tan was gone and Brian looked pale as a ghost on most days. His cheeks were sunken in and more than anything he just looked tired and exhausted most of the time.

 

Justin knew that Brian was fighting with the visible side effects the chemotherapy brought and he knew that Brian hated what it was doing to his body. Brian had always cared a lot about his appearance and looking good had been a huge part of who Brian Kinney was and had always been. Justin had hoped that ever since they had talked about Brian's scar from the surgery, he had been able to convince the man that he didn't care about his looks and what the chemotherapy was doing, but that he loved the man underneath it all, he had hoped that Brian would know that none of what the chemotherapy did to his body mattered, but he also knew that words only went so far. And with their usual outlet of sex not being an option right now since Brian's dick still refused to show any signs of life, Justin knew that the older man had a hard time coping with it all. And who could blame him?

It wasn't like they didn't have any sex or fun at all. In recent weeks, ever since their heart to heart, a new understanding had been established between them. Brian had wanted more normalcy in his life and Justin had done what he could to make that possible.

 

Whenever it was possible, they just tried to live their lives as normal, as they had before the cancer had become a part of their lives, trying not to let it influence them too much. They both did their best to be there for their sons, spending time with them, being with them and tried to make time for private time between them just as they had before. They had been out on a couple of dates, going out for drinks, a movie once and had also found ways to satisfy each other. Just because Brian's dick was out of commission due to the chemo, didn't mean they couldn't do other things on days that Brian felt better.

 

There had been some amazing handjobs, a nice blowjob and one breathtaking rimming that Justin remembered from just the last week. And he also remembered the time he had made love to Brian a week and a half ago, gently loving the man that had been his partner and the father of his children. No, sex definitely wasn't as big a part of their lives as it had been before, but it still was a part and they still made sure to find private time whenever they felt up to it.

 

Brian had also become more involved in Vicky's life and care and had joined Justin at the hospital for visits whenever it had been possible with his own health. He, much like Justin, had become an expert on the care of premature babies and now knew everything about complications, all the machines helping Vicky and every medicine that was given to her. He had become much more involved in her care and Justin had been grateful for it.

 

Only once Brian had joined him at the hospital and had started showing his interest and love for his daughter, had Justin realised how much he had missed Brian by his side before and how hard it had really been on him to deal with everything concerning their daughter on his own. He hadn't really been aware of how much pressure he had been under and how much pressure he had put on himself until Brian had joined him and had started sharing the burden. Justin would always feel grateful for that, knowing how hard the whole situation was on Brian and how much the older man had going on in his own life. Yet Brian had once again come through for his children. Just like Justin had always known that he would. Brian loved his kids more than anything and would do whatever he had to to make them happy. All of them, including their youngest.

 

When he heard Brian cursing again, Justin forced himself to stop thinking and to focus on what was going on in their bathroom.


“Brian?” He called for his partner, his eyebrow raised in concern. “Are you okay?”

 

“No...,” Justin heard the angry reply and just as he was about to get out of bed and make his way into the bathroom to check on Brian, slowly getting worried, he heard a quick correction. “Yeah... I guess. I don't know.”

 

Not sure what to make of that answer, Justin got out of bed and made his way over to their ensuite, stopping in the doorway, looking at Brian who seemed to be staring at his own reflection in the mirror, holding something in his hand that Justin couldn't see. What he could see however was how Brian's whole body was tensed up and he seemed close to breaking point.

 

“Brian?” Justin asked in concern, slowly making his way over to his partner's side. “What is it?” He looked at Brian, but when the man didn't respond and avoided meeting his eyes, Justin moved his gaze down to what was in Brian's hand. When he saw what the man was holding, he immediately understood his partner's reaction and felt his heart breaking for him.

 

“Oh Brian,” he whispered, gently taking the hairbrush that was covered with auburn hair out of the older man's hand.

 

They had been warned that hair loss could be a side effect of the chemotherapy and they had been advised to think about options for wigs, but so far Brian had pushed all talk of hair loss aside, claiming that his hair was still there and fine and there was no need for it.


Justin wasn't sure if Brian had really believed that he would be safe from this particular side effect of the chemotherapy or if he had just not been ready to deal with it before, but whatever it had been, Justin had decided not to press the issue any further, knowing that they would have to deal with it sooner or later. One way or another. And that time seemed to be now judging by the hairbrush in his hand that looked as if whole strands of Brian's hair were tangled in it.

 

“Don't,” Brian just muttered as he squared his shoulders and turned around, ready to leave the room.

 

“Don't what?” Justin asked quietly, feeling that Brian was ready to lash out. Not necessarily at him, but since he was the only one around right now and knowing that Brian needed to vent his anger and frustrations, he knew that he would be the most likely target for the older man's emotions.

 

“Don't pity me,” Brian pressed out, pushing past Justin and back into their bedroom.

 

Justin watched as the older man flopped down on the bed and slowly moved over as well, sitting beside him. “I won't,” he promised.

 

“And don't try to comfort me with some meaningful bullshit phrases.” Hazel eyes turned to meet his blue eyes with a pleading look. “Just don't say anything.”

 

“We knew this was gonna happen. It's okay.”

 

“You really have a problem with not saying anything, don't you?” Brian said quietly, amusement in his voice.

 

“Sorry, I just,” Justin started, but then stopped when he had heard the amusement in Brian's voice and had recognized it for what it was. “What's so funny?”

 

“We've been here before. It feels like: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, you know?”

 

“We have?” Justin frowned, not sure he could follow what Brian was talking about.


“The first time I had cancer? When I couldn't get it up? And I asked you not to say anything, but you did anyway? Telling me how it was all normal and would be better soon?” Brian raised an eyebrow as if to make Justin remember the first time they had been sitting on a bed together like this, years ago in another bedroom in the loft.

 

A small smile broke out on Justin's face as he seemed to remember the moment Brian was talking about. “Yeah, right.”

They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts. It was Justin who broke the silence first.

 

“It's just that...,” he started, but stopped when Brian turned to him and pressed his lips to his.


“I know,” he said quietly into the kiss, before he pulled back. “I know.”

 

“I just want to help. Somehow.”

 

“Unless you have a way to stop my hair from fucking falling out, I don't think you can,”


“It doesn't matter to me, Brian,” Justin said honestly, hoping that the older man would believe him.

 

“But it matters to me,” Brian whispered quietly, looking at Justin from pained and sad eyes and Justin knew that this was really the problem. This wasn't about his reaction to Brian losing his hair, this was about Brian dealing with losing his hair. This was about Brian coming to terms with another change his body was undergoing thanks to the cancer he was fighting. Knowing that nothing he could say would make it any easier for Brian, he did the only thing he could think of and pulled the older man closer, hugging him tight.

 

“I love you,” he said quietly, relieved when he felt Brian relax in his arms.

 

It wasn't long before Justin felt Brian shake in his arms and he knew that the other man was crying. Was crying for the loss of his hair and more than anything for the injustice of it all.

 

“I hate this,” Brian hiccupped through his tears, clinging to Justin as if he was his life buoy and the only thing keeping him from going under. “I fucking hate this.”

 

“I know,” Justin whispered, running his hands over Brian's arms in a gentle carress as he laid them both down on the bed.


It wasn't often that Brian cried and Justin could count the times he'd seen Brian cry like this on one hand, but he knew that these were exceptional circumstances and that Brian was going through a lot right now.


He was fighting for his life, was fighting the cancer that was trying to take a hold of his body, was trying to stay alive and stay with their family while at the same time coming to terms with what had happened to their daughter and all the changes that were happening to him and his body due to his illness. Justin wasn't surprised that under all that pressure Brian was ready to crack. He couldn't blame his partner for reacting like this to something other people might not take that seriously. This was a huge deal to Brian and more than anything it was another thing he was losing control of. And everyone who knew Brian knew how much he hated losing control.

 

Justin wished that there was something he could do to support his partner, something more than just holding him and trying to comfort him.

 

“It will be okay,” Justin whispered, hoping that he was right. He had no idea what he would do if he wasn't. He wasn't sure that he would be able to cope with the possibility of Brian not making it. In recent weeks he had never allowed his mind to wander there and he wouldn't now. He just had to stay optimistic. It was all he could do.

 

“I just want it to be over. I... I just want things to be normal again,” Brian said in the most pained voice Justin had ever heard from the man. If he hadn't known before, he knew how much Brian was suffering right now.

 

“And they will be. We just have to hold on for dear life and make it through this first,” Justin whispered into his hair, rubbing his hands over the older man's arms.

 

“Don't leave me,” Justin heard Brian's pained voice whisper after several more minutes of silence and his heart broke for the man in his arms.

 

“I won't. I never would. I couldn't. I love you too much,” He replied sincerely, feeling his own tears run down his cheek.

 

“You don't deserve this,” Brian continued as if he hadn't heard what Justin had said.

 

Justin closed his eyes, trying to bury the pain he was feeling inside and strengthened the hold he had on Brian's body, pulling him even closer. “Neither do you.”

After several more minutes of silence in which both of them just hung on to their own thoughts, Brian pulled back from Justin's embrace and looked at the blue eyes he loved so much. He saw pain and fear, but most of all he saw love. So much love and he knew that it was love for him. He didn't know what he had done to deserve the man by his side, had no idea what joke the gods had played on him when they had put Justin in his life of all lifes, but he was grateful for it. He didn't know where he would be without him, didn't know what his life would have turned out to be if Justin hadn't fought for him and his love and if Justin hadn't believed in him like no one else had ever before.


Justin had changed him, had changed his whole life, but Brian knew that it had all been for the better. Without Justin, he wouldn't have a relationship with Gus, without Justin there would be no Luke and Victoria and Brian knew that without Justin and his children, his life would just be empty.

 

“I am glad you're here,” he said, hoping that his voice conveyed his honesty.

 

“There's nowhere I'd rather be,” Justin smiled a sunshine smile at him and whenever Brian saw him smile like that, he knew that things would be okay. How could they not be?

 

Their lips met in a gentle kiss, a kiss that underlined the emotions just conveyed with their words. A kiss that promised that they would make it through whatever life would throw their way together.

 

Justin carefully ran his hands through Brian's auburn hair as he kissed him, but stopped when he felt fine strands of hair in his fingers. Damn, why hadn't he noticed before? Had it really just started to fall out like that today?


“I am going to miss your hair,” he said quietly, looking thoughtfully.

 

“Not as much as I will,” Brian sighed, turning onto his back and staring at the ceiling.

 

“Probably not,” Justin agreed, knowing how much harder this was for Brian than it was for him. “What do you want to do about it?”

 

Brian knew what Justin was asking and shrugged. “I don't know. Haven't thought about it yet.”

 

“I can call Ken and make an appointment with him for tomorrow,” Justin offered, refering to their hairdresser. “He might have some ideas.”

“Sunshine, nobody needs to have any ideas. It will fall out. All of it. End of story. It's not like I am looking for a new hairstyle,” Brian sighed.

 

“I know, I just mean...”

 

“I am not going to wear a wig,” Brian said categorically, turning to look at Justin from determined eyes. “I won't look like a fool.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “You saw some of the brochures the doctors gave us. People won't even know that it's a wig.”


“Of course they will. You always know!”

 

“Okay, so what then?”

Justin could see that Brian was struggling with the answer, but not wanting to pressure him, he just stayed quiet and gave him the time he needed.

 

After the longest time, Brian shrugged, turning to look back at the ceiling. “I guess the logical thing is to shave it off and to hope and pray that my head won't look like an egg with all the hair gone.”

Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “I am sure you'll be fine and in any case, it won't matter to me.”

“What about Gus and Luke?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“What about them?”

 

“It might scare them,” Brian said quietly, meeting Justin's gaze with a meaningful one of his own.


“We'll talk to them. Tomorrow morning. Explain to them that this is a side effect of the chemotherapy. They will understand.”

“Hmmm,” Brian nodded, though Justin could feel that Brian didn't seem as convinced as he pretended.

 

“Brian, they will be fine. They have made it through all of this and got this far like the troopers they are. We just continue as we have so far and stay honest. We tell them the truth and include them and they will be fine.”

 

Justin wasn't lying. Everyone in their family had been amazed by how well Gus and Luke were doing. Yes, they were scared for their father, were scared by everything going on, but that was normal and to be expected. Despite all of that, both of them seemed to be dealing okay with all the changes in their young lives. They were both still excelling in school, seemed happy enough whenever they got to spend time with Brian and Justin and even on days when Brian was really sick and too sick to spend any time with them, they didn't complain. As if sensing that their daddy was sick, they went with other family members without ever complaining and always gave a hug or a smile to their Papa when they felt like he needed it.

They hadn't seen their baby sister so far, not being allowed to visit her in NICU yet where only adults were allowed, but they had been very interested in her progress and had asked Justin and Brian many questions about her and her condition. They had seen the sketches that Justin had done of her, had seen the pictures Brian had taken of her and spent many evenings together with their daddies, just watching movies or some mindless TV programme or just talking. Just like Brian and Justin needed to spend time with them and needed the normalcy of their interactions, Gus and Luke seemed to need the same and enjoyed every free minute their fathers could spare them, never complaining if Brian was too sick or Justin was too busy for something.

 

It was almost like the boys knew how much else was going on and had learned to make the most of the times their fathers were able to spend with them. No, things weren't ideal or great or the way they were supposed to be, but everyone was trying to make the best of an impossible situation and Gus and Luke were coping better than anyone had expected before. And Justin had no doubt whatsoever that they would also be able to cope with a bald daddy, if they explained that the hair loss was due to the side effects of the chemotherapy.

 

After the longest time Brian nodded, apparently having come to the same conclusion.

 

“Maybe I should call Emmett,” he said next, surprising himself as much as he had surprised Justin with that statement. Justin frowned at him, not quite sure what Brian was talking about.

 

When Brian saw the confusion on Justin's face, he continued. “He might have some ideas, you know? For when the hair is gone. Maybe he has some ideas for caps or hats or just you know, how to distract away from the obvious? By playing up other features or some shit?”

 

Justin nodded, feeling quite impressed by what Brian had just said. He hadn't expected Brian to be willing to talk to anyone about losing his hair, but the fact that he seemed to be willing to ask Emmett for some advice on styling had to be a good sign, right?

 

“I think that's a great idea. I am sure he'll have some ideas.”

 

“As long as he doesn't make me look any more like a freak,” Brian sighed, putting his arm across his forehead.

 

“Hey, you know he won't. And in any case, you will be my freak. So it's all good,” Justin smiled, raising Brian's arm and giving him a tender kiss. “It will be fine.”

 

***

 

And surprisingly it had been.

 

The day after Brian had started losing his hair, he had called Emmett and had asked him to come by the house. Brian and Emmett had hidden away in Brian's office for the longer part of the afternoon while Justin had been at the hospital with Vicky.

 

At first he had wanted to stay and be at Brian's side, but in the end he knew that this was something that Brian had to do. And knowing that Brian himself had reached out to Emmett and had asked for his help, he knew that Brian would be fine. Emmett had always been good at seeing the true Brian as well and if anyone would understand the pain Brian was feeling about losing his hair, it would be Emmett. And more than anything, Justin knew that Emmett wouldn't make fun of Brian, but would be there for his friend and would support him with honest advice.

 

In the morning Brian and Justin had sat down with Gus and Luke and had explained about the hair loss and about how Brian would be bald soon. At first Gus had just seemed sad while Luke had honestly seemed confused by the idea of a bald daddy, but with some gentle explanations, both boys seemed to understand that this was part of the therapy and that at the end, this was all happening so that Brian would be healthy again.

 

Both boys had hugged Brian and kissed him, telling him that they loved him, hair or not.

 

Justin knew that it had been important to Brian to have their sons approval, even if it wouldn't change anything about the situation.

 

When he had come home from the hospital that day, he had found Brian and Emmett in the office, looking at something on the internet.

 

Two days later, Emmett had been back and at the end of his visit, Brian's hair had been completely shaven off. Brian had decided to just get rid of it in one go instead of slowly watching it fall out strand by strand and thankfully it had turned out that his head looked pretty much okay without any hair. No weird egg shape or anything.


Justin had been fascinated by Brian's bald head and had pretty much not stopped touching it for the first few hours, much to Brian's annoyance. Gus and Luke had been equally fascinated by their father's new looks and had asked if they could touch it as well. Thankfully neither boy had seemed intimidated by the bald head and had gotten used to it pretty quickly.

 

Emmett had also brought along some beanies, drivers hats and fedoras for Brian to play with and try if he liked wearing them.

 

They would help him cover up his bald head whenever he didn't feel comfortable showing it.

 

Justin had been surprised when soon enough Brian had started wearing beanies whenever they had left the house. He would have never imagined Brian Kinney with a beanie on his head, but he guessed that Brian prefered wearing the beanie to showing his bald head.

 

At home he seemed comfortable enough without any hat or cap, but whenever they went to the hospital, out with the boys or would go to family dinner, Brian would put on a beanie to cover his head.

 

Thankfully, the whole family had been really supportive and no one had made a big deal out of Brian losing his hair and after a week of seeing his father with a beanie, Luke had insisted that he wanted one as well and had pleaded with his Auntie Em to get one for him as well.

 

All in all, Brian losing his hair as part of the chemotherapy had gone over better than any of them could have expected.

 

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