Chapter 26

“Brian? Brian, where are you?” Brian heard Justin calling for him and raised his head from the file he was looking at.

“In the office,” he replied, not surprised to see his partner in his office a couple of seconds later.

“Where are Gus and Luke?” Justin asked, his voice a mixture between panicked and confused.

“In school. Where else would they be?” Brian asked, frowning.

“Who took them?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from wide eyes.

“I did,” the older man offered, looking at the blond from gentle eyes.

“Why didn't you wake me?” Justin questioned, his eyes looking at Brian accusingly.

“You seemed like you needed the sleep. You looked absolutely exhausted, so I thought I would let you sleep in.”

“It's noon, Brian,” Justin exclaimed in frustration.

“I guess I was right and you needed that sleep,” the older man just replied with a shrug.

“What about Vicky? She's all alone at the hospital,” Justin sighed, once more looking at Brian accusingly.

“Your mother is with her. She's fine.”

“You should have woken me,” Justin glared, daring his partner to say something which of course he did.

“You were exhausted, Justin. You needed a break. So here is your break. Stop queening out about it and be grateful.”

“Grateful?” Justin raised an eyebrow, then glared at Brian. “I should have been at the hospital for hours. And what about Gus and Luke? They needed me to get them breakfast and take them to school.”

Brian got up from his seat and walked over to where Justin was standing, still glaring at him. He stopped in front of the man and ran a hand through Justin's blond locks.

“I got them breakfast and got them ready for school. They made it in time, no harm done. Your mom was only too happy to spend some time with her granddaughter and will be relieved after lunch by Emmett. Everything is taken care of, everyone is fine, so just take a deep breath and enjoy your break.”

“I don't need a break,” Justin huffed, glaring some more when Brian just raised an eyebrow.

“Have you looked in the mirror recently? You were absolutely exhausted, Sunshine. Your cheeks are sunken in, you have rings under your eyes, damn, you have probably lost more weight than I have in recent weeks,” Brian exclaimed, though it was easy to hear the worry and concern in his voice.

And Justin heard it. He met Brian's gaze, his eyes softening at the concern he heard in the older man's voice. “I am fine.”

“No, you're not. You needed a break, here is your break.”

“Brian, there is just a lot going on right now. I am fine.”

“I know that there is a lot going on, but... you have been trying to shoulder everything on your own, to take care of everyone and everything on your own and I guess it's my fault for not realising that sooner and stopping you. But I have realised it now and I am stopping you now. You can't go on like this, Sunshine.”

“Brian, I am...,” Justin started, but never got further.

“Fine. Yeah, I know. I am the one that invented the phrase and I know bullshit when I hear it. If you were fine, you wouldn't have slept for more than 14 hours straight.”

Justin hung his head. “I guess I must have been more tired than I realised.”

“Yeah,” Brian huffed, then pulled Justin close into a crushing hug. “I need you to take care of yourself, Sunshine. I can't deal with you getting sick as well. Not on top of everything else,” Brian whispered, his voice betraying his real emotions.

“Brian, it's nothing. I was just tired,” Justin tried to reassure the older man, hugging him back. He wasn't blind to the worry in Brian's voice and he recognised this reaction for what it was. “I promise to take better care of myself.”

“Yeah, you will. I will make sure of it,” Brian agreed, pulling back and taking Justin's face in his hands. “I am sorry I let it go on like this, that I let you go on like this without realising it, but I'll carry my weight from now on. You're not alone in this. I am still here, still alive and kicking, so I'll help you whenever I can.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, leaning into Brian's touch. “You have enough to worry about. Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“We're in this together, Sunshine. So... let's deal with this together. You don't have to do everything on your own. I know I am not much use on the first two days after the chemo treatments, but... the rest of the time, I can help. I can take the boys to school. I can help with their homework or take them to their after school activities. You don't have to do everything on your own.”

“You have enough to worry about, Brian,” Justin repeated, running his own hand through Brian's auburn hair. “We can take care of ourselves.”

“Yeah, I know you can. But you don't have to. You shouldn't have to,” Brian said quietly. “You have taken care of so much, you forgot to take care of yourself. You look like shit,” Brian whispered, running his fingertips over the rings under Justin's eyes and his sunken in cheeks. “You almost fell asleep during the handjob last night,” he accused, though the twinkle in his eyes told Justin that he was joking about that one.

Justin smiled when he remembered that handjob, which had been the first time in weeks that he and Brian had had any physical relationship apart from kissing. It had been the first time in weeks he had gotten off. “That was nice.”

“I must be losing my touch if you nearly fell asleep during it.”

“No, you're not losing your touch. It was perfect,” Justin smiled, closing the distance and leaning in for a kiss. Yep, it was pretty fucking awesome that they had gotten rid of that damn oxygen mask and had it replaced with the cannula. That made kissing so much easier. “What brought that on?”

“You deserved it,” Brian said sincerely, leading Justin over to the sofa in his office and sitting down with him. He rested their joined hands on his thigh and squeezed slightly. “You only deserve the best and I am sorry that I was so occupied with myself and everything that has been going on in my life that I didn't notice how much you were doing and taking care of. I am sorry I didn't see how exhausted you were and how much you needed a break. I promise, I'll do better from now on and I promise, I'll be more present on the days that I am up to it.”

“Brian,” Justin started, ready to reply, but was interrupted by Brian when he went on.

“No, I mean it. I am sorry! I know I have left you alone with so many things recently and I will do better. I'll try to help more with the boys and with Vicky and... I'll just try to be more present.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, looking at the man at his side from loving eyes. “Don't worry about it. It's not your fault.”

“Well, this cancer might not be, but it's my fault that I let you go on like this for so long,” Brian sighed, pushing a strand of hair out of Justin's face as he spoke.

“No, I am an adult. I make my own decisions. You're not responsible for my choices, Brian,” Justin contradicted. “I just didn't want to add any more to the burden you're already carrying.”

“Well, I am not an expert in this whole relationship thing as you well know, but from what I understand, sharing the burden is a real thing in relationships. You're supposed to share your partner's burden and he's supposed to share yours. While you did great on sharing my burdens, I realise that I failed miserably, but I am learning. I'll do better,” Brian promised.

“Stop putting yourself down,” Justin said seriously, eyeing Brian from sincere eyes. “You're fighting a life-threatening illness. I think you have a carte blanche for the time being.”

“What if I don't want it?” Brian asked, looking at Justin from pained eyes. “What if I want to do my part? It's... I don't know how to explain it, but I don't want everything in our family, everything between us to be about the cancer. Yes, it's there and it sucks, but... it shouldn't be everything. We are still a family and we still have a life apart from me being sick and... I want that life to be as normal as possible. I don't want to stop doing things I've always done. I've always taken the boys to school and... I don't want to stop doing it just because I am sick. I might not be able to take them every day, but on days that I can, why shouldn't I? It will be something that is normal, you know? Does that make sense?” Brian looked at Justin from insecure eyes, wondering if what he had just said made sense.

“Yeah, it does,” Justin nodded. “I just tried to give you as much space and time as you needed,” Justin offered. “I thought you might need some time to come to grips with everything that's going on and I didn't want to stress you any further by adding everyday tasks to the list.”

“I needed time, but... I think I am good now,” Brian said quietly, holding on to Justin's hand in his own. “I think I've made my peace with what's going on. As much as I can, you know?”

Justin nodded, understanding what Brian was saying.

“I just... I just want things to be normal. Or as normal as they can be, you know? I don't want us and the boys and everything in our lives to be defined by me having cancer. You, the boys, we all deserve some normalcy and I think we also need it.”

Justin nodded once more, leaning his head onto Brian's shoulder and sighing happily. “If you feel up to it.”

“I do now,” Brian offered, putting his arm around Justin's shoulder and pulling him closer. “I do now.”

“Just tell me when you need a break or some time to yourself,” Justin demanded, giving Brian's thigh a squeeze.

Brian nodded, kissing Justin's blond locks. “But you'll have to do the same.”

He felt relieved when he felt Justin nod in his arms.

They were quiet for the longest time, just enjoying the quiet and being alone for once.

It was Brian who broke the silence when he pulled back and looked at Justin from loving eyes. “That's why you didn't tell me about Vicky's surgery, isn't it?”

He felt more than heard Justin's gasp and watched as he pulled back and stared at him in confusion. “Who told you?”

“Maggie,” Brian replied, never leaving Justin's eyes.

“Maggie? As in the night nurse?” Justin frowned and his frown deepened when Brian nodded. “How do you know her?”

“I met her last night when I went to the hospital.”

“You went to see Vicky?” Justin asked, his voice showing how surprised he was.

“Last night. When you were out. I know I should have gone before, but... I couldn't... Last night, I couldn't sleep and I knew that I should have been there long ago and in the end I just went.”

“I...,” Justin struggled to find the right words. “Why didn't you tell me? We could have gone together.” Then Justin eyed Brian seriously. “ You're making a habit out of those secret, late night hospital visits...”

“It was something I needed to do on my own. Does that make sense? I just... I just needed to do it myself.” Knowing what else Justin was referring to, Brian hung his head. “I should have told you a long time ago... I just... didn't know how. It never seemed the right time and really... it doesn't matter now, does it?”

Justin nodded to both statements. He could understand that on some level. He knew how Brian's mind worked at times, after all he had known the man long enough now to know that Brian didn't always react in ways other people would react. He wasn't really surprised that Brian's first visit with their daughter had been a visit on his own just like he knew that Brian had a hard time talking about anything that reminded him of the prom and what had happened afterwards.

Remembering that Brian had mentioned the surgery and knew about it, Justin hung his head. He knew that he should have told Brian, but he just hadn't known how. Brian hadn't shown much interest in Vicky so far and with everything going on in the man's life, Justin couldn't really blame him. He knew how Brian's mind worked, he knew that Brian had felt guilty about her condition and he knew that Brian would have blamed himself even more if he had known about the surgery. He had just known it and with everything going on, he had just thought it better not to add to the man's fragile state of mind.

“I know I should have told you. It's just that... you already felt so guilty and I didn't want you to feel any guiltier. I... am sorry.”

“I had a right to know,” Brian said quietly, though his voice held no anger at all. He knew that he was as much to blame as Justin. He hadn't given Justin any indication that he would have been in the right state of mind to deal with news like that, so he couldn't really blame Justin for not telling him.

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right.

“But I know that I didn't give you any indication that I would be able to deal with news like that. I know it's my own fault and I am sorry I left you to deal with that on your own. I am sorry you didn't feel like you could share your pain and worry with me,” Brian continued, gently running his fingers over Justin's arms as he held him tight.

“Brian, it's okay.”

“No, it's not! I am her father and... I was too concerned with my own shit to worry about her. How fucked up is that?”

“I think it's understandable under the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up about it,” Justin raised his head to meet Brian's eyes in a loving gaze. “Please!”

Brian met Justin's gaze and returned the loving gaze. “I'll do better from now on. I promise. I'll be a partner to you and a father to our kids. All of them. I am still here and still able to be a partner and father and I'll be your partner and our kids' father for as long as I can be.”

Justin nodded, accepting Brian's promise. He then leaned in and captured the older man's lips with his own. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Brian smiled into the kiss, pulling the younger man tighter.

They made out like that for a while, before they pulled apart breathlessly.

“Hmmmm, that was nice,” Justin smiled, leaning his head on his partner's shoulder.

“Hmmm, it was,” Brian agreed.

When Justin's stomach growled, neither men could help chuckling.

“We better feed the beast,” Brian joked, slowly getting up from the sofa and pulling Justin with him.

“I missed breakfast,” Justin said as way of apology as he followed Brian into the kitchen.

“How about you have some lunch now, then I take a nap and afterwards you and I head to the hospital to pay our daughter a visit?” Brian suggested, surprised when Justin seemed to contemplate his suggestion and didn't agree to it right away.

“Depends,” Justin said, seemingly seriously thinking about what Brian had said.

“On what?” Brian frowned as he got some leftover dinner from the night before out of the fridge and put it in the microwave.

“Can I join your nap?” Justin asked, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, making Brian laugh.

“Always.”

“Then it sounds like a perfect plan,” Justin agreed, giving Brian one of his best sunshine smiles.