Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) I will reply to all comments once I am back from my current business trip!

 

Chapter 23

 

For the next two weeks life went on as it had the previous week in the Kinney-Taylor household with the exception that Gus and Luke were back in school now. Christmas holidays were over and the boys had returned to school.

 

Justin knew that it sounded horrible, but he had been glad for it. With the boys in school, he didn't have to constantly worry about them being neglected and the other members of their family didn't have to juggle their schedules as much as they had the week before.

 

The Kinney-Taylor family had kind of settled into a new rhythm. In the mornings, Justin would get the boys ready for school and would take them to school. He would then go to the hospital and spend time there with Victoria. Once it was time to pick up the boys from school, he would usually be relieved at the hospital by one of the grandmothers or one of the uncles who would stay with little Victoria until dinner time while Justin took his boys home and made sure to spend some time with them, helping them with their homework, studying and getting dinner on the table. Whenever Brian felt up to it, he would help with homework and studying and would spend time with the boys, trying to give Justin a bit of a break, knowing how much the younger man had on his plate.

 

After dinner, Justin would return to the hospital for another short visit with Vicky, making sure to be back home by bedtime, so he could say goodnight to his sons.

 

So far the schedule had worked okay and the only exceptions had been the days right after Brian had had his chemotherapy treatments.

 

On days that Brian had the treatments, Brian would join the school run and Justin would then take him to the hospital for his treatment. While Brian had the treatment, Justin would stay with Vicky in NICU. He would come to Brian's side once the treatment was finished and they would say a quick goodbye, before Justin returned to Vicky's side.

 

Brian usually took a cab home, still feeling quite okay for a couple of hours after the treatments had ended. By that time Justin would be back home and usually Debbie or his mom would stay with the boys while Justin took care of Brian.

 

Much like during that first week, Brian would experience bouts of diarrhea and vomiting by early evening and would spend most of the first night in the bathroom. The next day would always be the worst because that was when the nerve and muscle pain usually got the worst and every touch and movement caused Brian tremendous pain on top of his usual nausea.

 

Thankfully, his doctors had changed his oxygen mask to a cannula that gave him additonal oxygen through his nose after Brian had pointed out how pointless the mask was if he was vomiting the whole time anyway.

 

One positive side effect of the cannula was that the big oxygen mask was finally gone which made kissing way easier. Not that much kissing was on their agenda during those first two days after his treatments. But the other days, when Brian mostly felt exhausted, but fairly okay otherwise, they were both glad that the oxygen mask was gone.

 

During his second week of treatment, much to Brian's embarrassment, he had thrown up all over himself on the second day after the treatment, not making it into the bathroom in time. Justin had found him with vomit all over his shirt and their bed and had quickly helped Brian into the bathroom, cursing the older man for refusing the bucket that Justin had wanted to leave by his bedside. Damn, vain idiot, Justin muttered to himself as he stripped the bed and was ready to change the sheets.

 

Once he was done, he made his way into the bathroom, wanting to pick up Brian's clothes, so he could throw them into the washer with the dirty sheets.

 

He frowned when he saw Brian sitting on the toilet, his head in his hands, still in his dirty clothes.

 

“Hey,” he said quietly, not wanting to startle the older man, who looked as if he might have fallen asleep. “You okay?”


He felt relieved when he saw Brian nod, but immediately frowned again when he noticed that Brian wasn't looking at him.


“Are you sure?”

 

Once more all he received was a nod. He slowly made his way over to where Brian was sitting, wetting a washcloth on his way and running it over Brian's forehead gently.

 

“Don't. I'm disgusting,” Brian said, trying to push away Justin's hand with the washcloth.

 

“I don't care,” Justin said quietly, not letting Brian push his hands away and pressing the washcloth to his face anyway.

 

Knowing how Brian's body had been hurting all day and was sensitive to the lightest touch, Justin figured that a shower was out of the question. “How about I run you a bath?” He suggested quietly, wondering if that was something that would help Brian.

 

“What? So I can puke all over myself in the bathtub?” Brian spat, still not looking at Justin.

 

“Brian,” Justin sighed, removing the washcloth, and carefully lifting his face up, so their gazes would meet, by gently pushing up the older man's chin with his fingertip. “Stop it!” Was all he said, looking at Brian seriously.

 

Brian's angry eyes met his and Justin knew that more than anything, Brian was angry with himself. And most likely very embarrassed. And embarrassment had never been an emotion that Brian had been able to deal with very well.

 

“I told you, I am here to help. So let me help.” He held Brian's gaze for the longest time, watching the emotions on the older man's face, before he moved his hands down and started pulling up the shirt Brian was wearing, so he could put it in the washer with the rest of their sheets.

 

He frowned when Brian slapped his hand away, glaring at him angrily. “I can do it myself. Leave!”

 

“Brian, don't be an idiot. Just let me take the shirt, so I can put it in the washer with the rest of the sheets.”

 

“I'll do it. My mess, I'll clean it up.”

 

“Brian, you can barely sit up. Stop being an idiot and let me do this. It's what I am here for,” Justin said, trying very hard not to get angry at the man sitting opposite him, a picture of pure misery. He had to remind himself that Brian was only acting out like this because he was angry and embarrassed.

 

“You didn't sign up for this,” was all Brian said, before he looked away, trying to hide the emotions on his face.

 

Justin sighed, not sure what else he could do to make the man understand, in the end deciding that all he could do was just tell him the truth over and over again. As many times as was needed until Brian finally got it into his thick head.

 

“This is exactly what I signed up for. Through sickness and health. Through good and bad. I love you, Brian. I am here to help.”

 

“We're not married,” was all Brian spat at the younger man, still not looking at him, his head resting on his own chest.

 

“And we don't have to be for it to be true. We are a family, Brian. I love you. You helped me when I needed help after my prom and now I am here to help you when you need help. I know you hate this, but you're not getting rid of me by being mean to me. That never worked,” Justin ended, surprised that he had to chuckle when he said that.

 

“I am not Gus or Luke, so don't treat me like I am a child.”

 

“Then stop behaving like one,” Justin gave back without missing a beat, once more making Brian look at him. “I know you hate every second of this and I hate seeing how much you hate it, but you're not going to get rid of me. Get that into your thick head. I am here to stay. I don't care how often you throw up all over yourself or how much you soil yourself or our sheets or whatever. I don't care! You are not getting rid of me.”

 

“I haven't soiled myself,” Brian just spat back, angrily glaring at Justin, a defiant look in his eyes.

 

“Yeah, well. Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't,” Justin said seriously, then carefully rested his hand on Brian's cheek, knowing how sensitive his skin was at the moment. “And if it happens, it won't matter. None of this matters. Just like it doesn't matter when Gus or Luke get sick all over themselves. I love all of you and I will clean up after all of you, for however long I'll have to.”

 

“I am not a child,” Brian only repeated, still looking beyond angry.

 

“Then stop behaving like one. You're worse than either Gus or Luke when they are sick. Now get over yourself and get out of that shirt, so I can throw it in the washer and run you a bath.”

 

Justin saw the moment Brian realised that this wasn't a fight that he could win, at least not under his current predicament and saw the moment the older man was ready to give in.

 

“Fine,” Brian mumbled angrily, still glaring at Justin. “But I'll run the bath myself and you can have the shirt afterwards. Now leave.”

 

“I will not leave,” Justin said, wondering what Brian was on about.

 

“I said leave. So... just leave... please,” Brian quietly said, his voice letting on to how exhausted he had to be feeling.

 

“Why? I've seen you in the bath before. Hell, we've done shit in the bath you can't mention to anyone,” Justin smirked, but stopped when he saw the pained expression in Brian's eyes at the mention of their former bathroom escapades. “Brian?”

 

“Can you please just leave?” Brian repeated, this time more firmly, his eyes levelling with Justin's confused gaze.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I'm asking you to,” Brian sighed in exasperation.

 

“Not until you tell me what this is really about,” Justin stood his ground, finally having realised that this was about something else altogether. This wasn't about Brian's anger at himself or his embarrassment. This was about something that had been going on for weeks now, but Justin had been too busy and occupied with other things to really pay much attention to it and now he cursed himself for not having noticed before. He had a pretty good idea what this whole conversation was really about.

 

When Brian stayed quiet and refused to say anything, Justin just gently moved his hands down to the hem of Brian's shirt. “Take it off,” he said gently, looking at Brian from loving eyes.

 

Brian just shook his head, avoiding Justin's gaze.

 

“Show me,” Justin said equally quiet, still holding on to the hem of Brian's shirt.

 

Once again Brian only shook his head and Justin wasn't surprised to see tears on his cheeks. Brian's emotions had been all over the place for a couple of weeks now and looking at the man now, looking at his slumped form on the toilet, Justin knew that a huge part of Brian's reaction just a few minutes ago had been fear more than anything. Fear of Justin seeing his body. Justin cursed himself for only realising now that he hadn't seen Brian's naked form yet after the surgery. At first the stitches from the surgery had been covered up by bandages and afterwards Brian had always been wearing some shirt or other. And Justin had been so tired and exhausted with everything going on that he hadn't spared a single thought on the fact that Brian was suddenly wearing shirts to bed when he had never done so before. Subconsciously, Justin wondered if he had just explained it away with some surgery aftercare instructions by his doctor or if he had even thought about it at all. Whatever it was, he knew now that he should have paid attention to the fact that Brian hadn't shown him his naked body since his surgery and that it should have alerted him to something being wrong.

 

No, they hadn't had sex in weeks and he knew that if they had sex, he would have noticed because there was no way in hell Brian would stay clothed during sex, but with everything going on and his reduced lung capacity after his lung surgery and then the c-section and now the chemotherapy treatments, sex had been the last thing on either of their minds. Just like being naked hadn't been something that had registered on Justin's mind and for that he cursed himself.


Brian had always been a vain man. He had always prided himself on how fit he was and how well his body looked. Brian had loved the attention his looks got him and he had loved showing them off. Justin knew how important his body and looks were to Brian and he wondered why it hadn't clicked in his mind sooner that a lung surgery would leave a scar on his torso that couldn't be hidden. It would be a pretty big scar and it would stay with him for the rest of his life. Justin wondered why that thought had never crossed his mind before and then he realised why: Because it would never matter to him. He didn't care if Brian had a scar on his torso, he didn't care what Brian looked like.


Yes, the man was sexy and Justin loved the way he looked, but more than anything he loved Brian. He loved the person behind the body and he wondered if Brian was seriously scared that Justin wouldn't love him anymore once Justin saw the scar. Did Brian think so little of him?

Justin felt the anger rise inside of him, but forced himself not to act on it. He knew how insecure Brian could be on the best of days and with everything going on right now, with how much control Brian had already lost over his life and his health in particular, Justin couldn't blame the man for feeling more insecure than usual. Trying to keep that in mind, Justin forced himself to be as understanding as he could be.

 

“Show me,” he repeated, looking at Brian from sad, yet sincere eyes. “I wanna see.”

 

Brian once again just shook his head as more tears ran down his face. Justin leaned in, carefully wiping away the tears, making sure not to put too much pressure on Brian's sensitive skin. His face was only inches from Brian's when he whispered next. “You'll always be beautiful to me.”

 

He watched as Brian's eyes opened slowly and pained eyes met his understanding gaze. “It's hideous,” Brian whispered in a voice so small that Justin's heart broke for the man.

 

“It doesn't matter. What matters is in here,” Justin said equally quiet, resting his hand on Brian's chest where his heart was beating. “I don't care about the outside as long as you'll always be you on the inside. I love you. A scar on your chest won't change that.”

 

Brian eyed Justin for the longest time, gauging the sincerity of his words as their gazes met, Justin looking at the older man with as much love and sincerity as he could muster. In the end, Brian finally nodded, allowing Justin to lift the hem of his shirt.


He sighed as Justin carefully pulled the soiled shirt off him, once more closing his eyes, not able to face the disgust and rejection he was sure to find in the younger man's gaze once he would see the battlefield that was now Brian's chest.

 

There was now a large scar running right down Brian's chest and it was ugly, red and absolutely hideous as far as he was concerned.

 

Justin eyed the scar and wondered why this was the first time he saw it. More than 3 ½ weeks after the surgery. He should have seen it right away.

 

“I am sorry I didn't ask to see it before,” he said quietly, gently eying Brian's chest, tracing the scar with the lightest touch of his fingertips.

 

“Can't blame you. It's hideous,” Brian sighed, opening his eyes, knowing that he couldn't avoid facing Justin for all eternity. He knew this moment would come, he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his scar forever, so might as well get it over with.

 

“It's not,” Justin said gently. “It's beautiful,” he whispered, looking up at Brian and meeting his gaze.


Brian did a double-take when all he could see in Justin's eyes was love and understanding.

 

“Maybe you need glasses, Sunshine,” Brian sighed, wondering why Justin would lie to him.

 

Justin just smiled and shook his head. “Nah, I don't think so. I really think it's beautiful.”

 

“You're weird,” Brian stated, shaking his head.

 

“There's nothing weird about finding it beautiful that the man you love more than anything would go to such lengths to make sure that he can stay with you,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian's face from loving eyes, before he leaned in and gently kissed the man on his lips.

 

“Don't. I haven't brushed my teeth yet,” Brian said, pulling back, but Justin only leaned in again, not letting Brian get away.


“I don't care,” he said, claiming the older man's lips with his own.

 

Once their kiss ended, leaving both of them breathless, Justin pulled back, once again tracing the scar with his fingertips. Brian saw tears in Justin's eyes when the younger man spoke.

 

“This will always remind me of how much you fought to stay with me. With me and our family. How could I not love that? It's the most beautiful thing in the world.”

 

Brian just shook his head, not quite sure if Justin was for real or if he had just lost it completely.

 

“You're crazy.”

 

“Maybe,” Justin shrugged, then locked his eyes with Brian's. “But it's how I feel. I love you and you might think this scar is hideous, but... it shows me how much you love me and our children and how much you fought to be able to stay with us. You could have just left and gone out in a blaze of glory, but you didn't. You came back to us and took on this fight. Because you love us. This scar will always remind me of how much you love us, Brian. I don't care if you hate it or not. I think it's a beautiful declaration of your love for me and our children.”

 

New tears ran down Brian's face, but this time they had been caused by Justin's words. He had no idea what he had done to deserve this man in his life, but he knew that he would do whatever he had to to keep him in his life for as long as he could.

 

“I love you, Sunshine,” he whispered, hoping that Justin would believe him.

 

“I know,” the younger man whispered back, smiling slightly as his fingertip once again ran over the scar.

 

They kissed once more, a gentle, promising kiss, before they pulled apart when Brian pulled back with a 'Fuck' on his lips, barely able to push Justin away, before he threw up once more. He had barely made it off the toilet, so he could throw up into the toilet and he cursed his stomach for the bad timing.

 

“Fuck!” He exclaimed once he was done, resting his head on his arms, feeling utterly exhausted and drained.

 

“That's one way to end a kiss,” Justin joked, back by his side with the cold wet cloth, gently running it over his face.

 

“Not funny,” Brian pressed out, trying to keep his nausea at bay.

 

Justin forced himself to be serious and got up from Brian's side, starting the bath for him. Once the bathtub had been filled, he helped his partner into the bath, helping him to find a comfortable position in the warm water.

 

Brian watched as Justin's eyes ran over his body and he recognised the lust he saw in the young man's eyes. He felt the same lust, but his damn body just wouldn't act on it. Brian had wanted to show Justin for weeks now how much he loved him and his support, but his body just wouldn't follow through.

 

It had been weeks since they had last had sex and with everything going on, it had probably been the last thing on either of their minds, but watching Justin's eyes now as they ran over his naked body under the water, he wished that he could do something to show the younger man how much he loved him and appreciated his support.

 

Justin's fingers lazily ran through the water, every so often gently and very carefully touching Brian's arms and Brian stopped him when his fingers touched his arms once more.

 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you,” Justin said sincerely, looking at Brian from sad eyes.

 

“You didn't, it's just...,” Brian sighed, wondering if he should bring this up now or should just leave it be. 'Well, what the hell?', he thought to himself, thinking about everything else they had already talked about that day, knowing that this was something he needed to say to Justin anyway, so he might as well say it rather sooner than later. 

 

“I... I can't. It's just not possible right now.”


“I know,” Justin said, his voice full of understanding, immediately knowing what Brian was talking about. If he hadn't known, Brian's longing look would have been enough to let him know.

 

“I... I am not sure I'll be able to for... a long time... With... the radiation, it took weeks before I was able to... and... there's ten more weeks of this shit, so... it might be... a while,” Brian said haltingly, looking at Justin from insecure eyes.

 

“I know,” Justin only said again, looking at Brian from understanding eyes. “Don't worry about it.”

 

“If you want... I guess... it's only fair... that you, you know? I mean... you're not sick and... of course you have... needs, so... I guess, it's okay if you want to... you know?” Brian said, clearly fighting to get out the words.

 

If the conversation hadn't been that serious, Justin would have laughed, but it was that serious, so he just eyed Brian from questioning eyes.

 

“Are you saying what I think you're saying?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow, not sure if he should feel angry or not. He felt slightly pissed off by what Brian was saying.

 

“If you want to get your needs met, it's okay with me if you... look somewhere else,” Brian pressed out, not looking at Justin. They had been monogamous for years now, ever since they had gotten back together, but he knew that it wasn't fair to keep Justin in a monogamous relationship under their current circumstances. Justin was young, healthy and had needs. It was only fair that he would get his needs met while Brian couldn't help him with that. And God knew how long it would be again before Brian could. It just wasn't fair to ask Justin to be celibate while Brian was sick.

 

“You are lucky that I am still feeling sorry for your ass because of what happened earlier,” Justin said angrily, pulling his hands out of the water as he glared at Brian. “Otherwise you might not make it out of this bathtub alive.”

 

“Justin...,” Brian started, realising how angry Justin seemed to be.

 

“How dare you? How dare you fucking think so little of me? I thought I had made it pretty clear that I loved you and that you were not getting rid of me through all of this. Do you really think I would go out and seek out other men while you're here, sick and fighting for your life? Do you really think so little of me?”

 

“Justin,” Brian tried once more, but it was obvious that Justin wasn't listening. “That's not what I meant.”

 

“Oh, that's exactly what you meant. Well, Mr Kinney, let me tell you something: I love you. I am so fucking worried that you might not make it through this, I am so fucking worried that our daughter might not make it through this. I am so fucking worried that Luke and Gus won't be okay with everything that's going on in our lives right now. Do you really think that having sex is even a blip on my radar right now? Do you really think that I have any strength left to worry about getting off?”

 

Justin glared at Brian, daring him to say something.


“I just want you to know that... I understand.”

“You understand nothing. If our roles were reversed, if it was me being sick and you having to take care of everything... would you go out seeking sex? Would you?” Justin challenged.


Brian met his gaze head on and after the longest time, he shook his head. Yes, he had been that person once and yes, he would have done this years ago. Having sex had been his method of pain management and he remembered only too well how he had gone off the deep end after Justin had been attacked at his prom. How he had buried his cock in meaningless asses and mouths so he wouldn't have to confront his feelings and emotions at the time, but that had been the old him. He had given up sex as a method of pain management years ago. Ever since he had given birth to Luke and ever since Gus had started living with him, ever since he had gone to therapy and confronted his demons, he had changed. That person was no longer him and he knew that if their roles were reversed, if Justin's life was in danger and he had his children to worry about sex would be the last thing on his mind. He knew that his sole focus would be on Justin and his children and not sex. He knew that he wouldn't even spare a second on meaningless sex and he really shouldn't have been surprised by Justin's reaction.

 

Justin had never been into tricking as much as he had been and Justin had never needed meaningless sex like he had. Why would he now all of a sudden? The more Brian thought about it, the less it made sense to himself.

 

“I am sorry, Sunshine,” he said quietly.

 

Justin's gaze softened and he returned to his place at Brian's side, his fingers once again gently running through the warm water.

 

“I guess I should be grateful for your offer and that you would even consider it, but... it's the last thing on my mind right now, Brian.”

 

Brian nodded, realising that Justin was right. “I just wanted...”


“I know,” Justin said sincerely, looking at Brian from warm, loving eyes. “And I appreciate it, but... we'll be fine. We'll figure it out between the two of us,” Justin said, before he leaned in. “You better not throw up again,” he joked before he closed the distance and met Brian's lips in a soft and tender kiss.

 

Brian chuckled into the kiss, doing his best to keep the nausea at bay and kissing Justin, showing him how much he loved him and appreciated everything he was doing for him right now.

 

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