Chapter 20

Justin sighed as he made his way back to Brian's room. It had been eight hours now since the c-section and Brian had woken up twice before. The first time he had mostly been out of it due to the anaesthesia only wearing off slowly, the second time he had been more conscious and Justin had at least been able to tell him that they had a daughter and that her condition was stable.

When Brian had fallen back asleep, Justin had left his side once more to be with their baby girl, watching the small rise and fall of her chest as the machines did the breathing for her and helped her stay alive.

Justin still couldn't get over how small and fragile she was, but the more often he saw her, the more he realised that none of that mattered. This was their daughter and the doctor was right: She was a fighter! She would be fine and she would make it through this in one piece. And he would do everything he could to make sure she was okay.

As of yet, he hadn't been allowed to touch her or hold her, being informed by the nurses that the risk of infection was still too high for her as her immune system hadn't fully developed yet. All he could do was watch her through the glass of the incubator and speak to her. He told her about himself and Brian, about her brothers and the rest of her family. He was aware that she didn't understand him, he wasn't even sure if she was able to hear him, but he hoped that maybe deep down listening to him was helping her. In any case, it was helping him as it gave him something to focus on and to do.

On his way back from the NICU, Justin had quickly stopped outside the hospital for some fresh air and had called his mother to let her know that they had a daughter and that her condition was stable. He hadn't been able to stop himself from crying, still being too emotional after having seen his poor, sweet baby girl like that and he had wished so desperately for his mother to be by his side and just hold him.

She had promised him that she would take care of Gus and Luke, that she would let the rest of the family know and that he should just focus on Brian and their baby girl, trying to comfort him as best as she could over the phone. More than anything she had wanted to hug him as well, but that hadn't been possible as she had been on babysitting duty for Gus and Luke and was supposed to spend the day with them. This whole situation broke her heart and she just wished that there was something else she could do to support her son and his family.

“Hey,” Justin said quietly as he saw that Brian was awake and looking out the window of his room at the parking lot.

Brian didn't reply, just nodded in acknowledgement which made Justin frown. Brian had hardly spoken more than ten words to him since he had woken up from his anaesthesia the first time and even though Brian had never been much of a talker this was too silent even for him.

Justin made his way over to Brian's side and sat on the edge of the bed, running his hand through Brian's hair in a gentle gesture. “Are you okay?”

Once again Brian only nodded, not saying anything and avoiding Justin's gaze.

“Are you in any pain? Do you want me to get the doctor for you?” He asked in obvious concern, never stopping his caress of Brian's hair.

Brian just shook his head, then moved his head away from Justin's hand and caress which made Justin frown even more. This was not like Brian. Something was very off.

“Speak to me, Brian. Please. You're worrying me,” Justin admitted, looking at his partner with concern in his eyes.

Brian's head slowly turned and his gaze met Justin's and Justin nearly gasped at the pain he saw in Brian's eyes. “How is she?”

“She's okay. Hanging in there. The doctors say she's a fighter and doing well under the circumstances,” Justin replied, trying to sound as positive as he could. He didn't want to worry Brian more than was necessary in this situation, knowing fully well how much was already on Brian's plate even without having to worry about their daughter. Brian needed to concentrate on himself, on his health and Justin would worry about their baby for the both of them.

“The truth, Justin,” Brian said, his voice sounding angrier than Justin had expected. If the tone in Brian's voice hadn't been a hint that the man was angry, the use of Justin's first name certainly was. Brian rarely called him Justin, mostly calling him Sunshine and the use of his first name now indicated that Brian was in no mood to play around and was deadly serious.

“It is the truth,” Justin said quietly, once more reaching out his hand to caress Brian's face, but Justin stopped when he saw Brian move his head away, glaring at him.

“Tell me the fucking truth, Justin. I have a right to know,” Brian angrily replied, his glare only intensifying as his gaze stayed on Justin's.

“Brian,” Justin started on a deep sigh, but never got any further.

“Fine, fuck off! I'll get the doctor to tell me the truth then,” Brian announced angrily, reaching for the button on the side of his bed that would call the nurse to his room.

“Brian, please. Calm down. You need to stay calm,” Justin urged, watching Brian in worry. He wasn't quite sure what to make of this angry Brian, wasn't quite sure where that anger was coming from and why it was directed at him, but he knew that this anger couldn't be good for Brian in his current condition. “You just had surgery. You'll only bust your stitches.”

“Then tell me the fucking truth.”

“I did,” Justin replied helplessly, trying to find a way to calm Brian down without aggravating him even more.

“Nice try, but you've always been a for shit liar. Your eyes betray you. If you won't tell me the fucking truth, I'll get the doctor in here right now. I have a right to know how my daughter is doing,” Brian glared at Justin, daring him to contradict him.

“Fine,” Justin sighed, running a hand through his own hair, trying to gather his thoughts. “What do you want me to say, Brian? That she's too small and too light and that she can't breathe on her own? That she is barely as big as my hand, weighs less than 1.5 half pounds, that her leg is thinner than a finger on my hand? That there are so many tubes and machines connected to her that you can hardly make out her body? That I am not allowed to touch her for fear of infection because she doesn't have a functioning immune system yet? That she can't swallow or eat on her own because she doesn't have the necessary reflexes yet and that she's being fed through an IV tube? Is that what you want to hear? That all I can do is stand at her side and talk to her because I can't fucking hold her, comfort her or make sure that she is okay in any other way? Is that what you want to hear? Fine, here is your truth: She is smaller than any baby I have ever seen and when they delivered her she wasn't breathing and there were so many doctors surrounding her small body, I couldn't even see her anymore. I was so fucking scared that she was dead and that it had all been for nothing. Is that what you wanted to hear? That I was more scared than I have ever felt before in my life? Fine, here is your truth for you,” Justin finished, having talked himself into a rage, feeling angry at Brian for making him say all that when he had tried so hard to keep all of that away from Brian, so Brian could focus on himself and his own health instead of worrying about their daughter as well.

Justin stood up from his place on Brian's bed and wordlessly walked over to the window, hugging himself close as he watched the parking lot from where he stood, silent tears running down his face.

There was an eerie silence in the room for the longest time, before Justin heard Brian's now quiet voice calling out for him. “Sunshine.”

“Fuck you, Brian,” was all Justin replied to that. Brian could take his fucking Sunshine and push it up his own ass for all he cared.

The uncomfortable silence lingered for several more minutes, before Brian tried again. “Please, come here,” he quietly pleaded with Justin, but Justin didn't move.

“Don't make me come out of this bed and walk over there,” Brian said and when Justin heard a groan and a hiss caused by pain shortly after, he turned around, feeling utterly shocked when Brian was indeed trying to get out of bed. He had pulled back the blanket and was now trying to move his legs over the side of the bed.

Justin could easily see the pain this simple motion caused Brian and could hear his pained moans as he tried to get into a sitting position.

“Christ, Brian. Stop! You're going to bust your stitches,” Justin glared at the older man, as he made his way over to the bed, pushing Brian's form back down onto the mattress.

When their eyes met, Justin could see the remorse in Brian's eyes and he knew that Brian was sorry for making him that angry.

“Are you trying to kill yourself? I thought the whole idea here was to keep you alive,” Justin muttered angrily as he helped Brian back into a lying position and pulled the blanket back over his partner.

“I'm sorry,” Brian said quietly, his gaze never leaving Justin's.

“Sorry my ass. What is wrong with you?”

“Please, don't shut me out,” Brian whispered, his eyes glassy as if he was about to cry any second.

“I am not shutting you out,” Justin sighed, feeling the anger leave his body, feeling it replaced by a deep sense of frustration. How could Brian make him so angry in a few seconds and then look so pitiful right after, making all his anger dissipate in a second?

“You weren't telling me the truth,” Brian said quietly, his voice neither accusatory nor angry, just stating a fact.

“I was. I told you she was hanging in there and she was doing okay,” Justin defended himself, once more sitting down on the side of Brian's bed.

Brian reached for Justin's hand and was glad when Justin allowed for him to hold it and squeeze it.

“You don't need to protect me.”

“I was not...,” Justin started, but then stopped, realising that he had been found out and Brian had looked right through him. “It's just... you already have so much to worry about. Just let me worry about her, okay?”

“That's not how this works and you know it, Sunshine,” Brian smiled sadly, gently tugging on Justin's hand, pulling him closer. At first Justin resisted, but then he gave in and leaned in closer, until their lips met in a short kiss, once Brian had removed the oxygen mask from his face to allow the kiss. “I am worried about you,” Brian said when the kiss broke, looking at Justin from sad eyes.

“I am alright, Brian,” Justin just replied, wordlessly helping Brian to replace the oxygen mask before trying to pull back into a sitting position, but Brian wouldn't let him. Instead Brian lifted his body a bit further to the side of the bed with a sigh, then nodded at the now empty space by his side, making it clear that he wanted Justin to lie down next to him. “Brian, no. We can't.”

“Sunshine, please,” Brian just pleaded, his voice sounding needier than Justin had ever heard it before. Knowing that he wouldn't refuse Brian anything under the circumstances, Justin kicked off his shoes, then carefully climbed in next to Brian, resting his head on Brian's shoulder, wrapping his arm around his partner's midsection carefully.

“Is this okay?”

“Perfect,” Brian whispered, leaning down to inhale the typical smell that was just Justin when he smelled the blond hair on his shoulder. “I know you're not okay. How could you be? Just... please don't shut me out,” Brian continued, rubbing his cheek in Justin's blond hair.

“Don't worry about me,” Justin sighed, pulling back slightly, so their gazes could meet. “I'll be okay.”

“I'll always worry,” Brian admitted and Justin saw the truth in his partner's eyes as he spoke those words.

“You shouldn't. Not now.”

“Now even more than ever,” Brian said, carefully leading his hand that was connected to the IV drip to Justin's face and caressing his cheek with his fingertips. “I am so sorry, Sunshine. I wish it wasn't like this.”

“I know,” Justin sighed. And he knew. He really did. He knew that if it was in Brian's hands, this would never have happened. Brian would have never done anything that would cause him any kind of pain or hurt. And Justin knew that it was killing Brian to know that he was the cause for his and their sons' current pain. He had no doubt that if Brian had the chance to change anything, he would do so immediately.

“Tell me about her,” Brian urged, never stopping his caress of Justin's face and his hair, enjoying being close to him like this.

“Brian,” Justin started, ready to list all the reasons why they shouldn't talk about their daughter now, but in the end knowing that none of those reasons were valid and that Brian was right and that he had a right to know. So Justin just cuddled closer to Brian, enjoying being close to him as he started speaking in a quiet voice.

“She's so tiny. I think I could fit her into the palm of my hands if I tried. Her legs are so thin, my middle finger is thicker. She's connected to all these machines trying to make sure that she's alright, trying to keep her alive, but... they just look so scary and big compared to how tiny and fragile she is. The doctors say that she is doing alright under the circumstances, that she's doing as well as can be expected, but... I don't know. Just seeing her like that, I can't believe that she's doing alright. I mean, how could she being so tiny and needing so many machines around. It's... it's fucking scary and every time I go there and see her, I just hope and pray that none of those machines will break or fail because I know that she needs them to stay alive and... it's a scary thought that she wouldn't be here without those machines. It's just so fucking scary,” Justin finished on a whisper, hiding his head in Brian's shoulder, feeling as the older man ran soothing circles on his back.

“I am so scared for her, Brian. What... what if she doesn't make it? What if she is just too small and fragile? I... the moment I saw her I felt this connection to her, this need to make sure that she is alright and now I can't. I can't do anything to help her. It's killing me...,” by now Justin was openly crying and he couldn't do anything to stop the flow of tears. He just hid his head in Brian's shoulder and allowed him to hold him and comfort him.

As much as he had wanted his mom to comfort him earlier, he knew that there was nothing she could have said to comfort him. Just as there wasn't really anything that Brian could say to comfort him. Thankfully Brian didn't even try and just continued to hold Justin in his arms, trying to comfort him that way.

If anyone understood how he was feeling it would be Brian. Justin knew that. He knew that the only person that was feeling the same way he was was Brian and that they would be the only ones able to comfort each other.

Justin wasn't surprised when he felt wetness on his cheek, knowing that Brian was crying as well. He just leaned in closer, enveloping the older man just that tiny bit more, showing him that he was also there to comfort Brian, just as Brian comforted him.

“She will be just fine. I know it. She is your daughter. She is a fighter,” Brian whispered through his tears, feeling Justin's pain just like he was feeling his own.

“I hope so,” Justin replied in a broken voice, clinging on to Brian for all it was worth.

“I know so,” Brian said in a quiet voice, before he gently wiped away Justin's tears from his cheeks. “I love you, Sunshine.”

“I love you,” Justin replied, their eyes meeting and their gazes continuing in a conversation that didn't need any more words.

They would be alright. No matter what. As long as they were together, they would make it. Both of them. Brian and Justin as well as their children. They would all be fine as long as they were together.