Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented, I really appreciate it :)

 

Chapter 2

 

“Ungh,” Justin groaned as he tried to open his eyes and felt pain rush through his head when a ray of sunshine landed on his face. He immediately forced his eyes shut again and moaned for good measure. His head hurt like hell and he felt as if his stomach had done a rollercoaster ride inside his body. His throat felt parched and hurt and he had a disgusting taste in his mouth. God, what had happened? Had he died? Apparently not, because he was sure that if he had died, he wouldn't feel pain anymore, so he still had to be alive. Maybe he was in the process of dying and that was why he was feeling so badly?

 

“Here, drink this. It will help.”

 

Justin frowned when he recognised Brian's voice coming from somewhere close by. He tried turning his head in the direction the voice had been coming from, but found that the movement was too much effort and made him feel dizzy. Instead he just groaned and did what he thought was giving a shake of his head. He hoped Brian understood that he wasn't ready to move to wherever his voice came from.

 

“Come on, Sunshine. Drink this. It will make you feel better,” Brian's voice said once more and Justin wondered why it sounded so cold and uncaring. Well, maybe not cold and uncaring, but at least the voice didn't have the warmth it usually had when speaking to him.

 

“N-o,” Justin pressed out, trying to move as little as possible as he spoke.

 

“Stop being a drama queen and fucking drink this. If you ever want to feel better, just do as you're told,” Brian replied, this time impatience clear to hear even for Justin.

 

Wondering why Brian would be so impatient with him, but then deciding that that put too much effort on his already hurting head, Justin decided in the end that fighting with Brian right now would be even more effort and would demand a strength he didn't have right then. In the end he just nodded slowly and tried to open his eyes, opening them even despite the pain he felt exploding in his head.

 

He needed a minute or two to get a clear idea of where he was and he felt relieved when he saw that he was in their bedroom in their bed. After another minute Justin felt like he couldn't delay looking at Brian any longer and moved his eyes to where Brian's voice had been coming from. He didn't feel quite ready to face Brian yet, somehow knowing that he must have done something to feel this bad and that by doing that, he had probably angered Brian, but for the life of him he couldn't remember.


When his gaze met Brian's, he saw worried hazel eyes looking at him in concern, confusion and also disappointment? Why, Justin wondered.

 

“Here, drink this,” Brian said once more, holding out a glass of water to Justin and handing him two pills after he had taken the first sip. “Take them, they will help with the headache.”

 

“No Tylenol,” Justin mumbled, as he carefully drank some more water. God, his throat really felt parched. He felt like he could drink a whole gallon.

 

“Sunshine, if I wanted to kill you, I would have done so last night or would have left you to fend on your own. You really think I don't know what you're allergic to by now?” Brian shook his head in what seemed to be disappointment and still held out his hand with the two pills. “Not Tylenol, so fucking take them.”

 

In the end Justin just took the pills, emptied the glass of water and closed his eyes again, sighing against the pain and effort that short action had taken.

 

“Go and sleep some more. Come and find me when you're ready to talk,” Brian said quietly, before he ran a hand down Justin's cheek and then left the room. At least that's what it sounded like to Justin. He definitely heard retreating footsteps.

 

Not sure what to make of the whole situation that had just played out, Justin decided to just follow Brian's advice and within minutes he was back asleep. At least while sleeping, he didn't have to think about what was going on.

 

When Justin woke up the next time some hours later, he slowy started to feel human again. His head didn't feel like it was exploding anymore. By now there was just a light throbbing, but he could deal with that. He had dealt with far worse in the past.


Forcing himself to get up, Justin sighed as he looked around the empty room. Brian wasn't there any longer. Turning towards the alarm clock on his side of the bed, Justin noticed that it was already past noon. Damn, how long had he slept? Yes, he wasn't a morning person, but sleeping until noon was extreme even for him.


He wondered for a second if Brian had gotten the boys to school on time, but then somewhere in his foggy brain remembered the boys not being at home. He remembered calling his mom the day before, asking her to pick up the boys from school and to watch them for a night.

As he brushed his teeth, finally getting rid of that disgusting taste in his mouth, he finally remembered more and more from the day before. How he had gotten his mom to pick up and watch the boys. How he had raided their liquor stock and had drunk anything he could get his hands on and....

 

Justin shook his head, not wanting to think about that. He forced himself to think of something else and instead decided to wonder about how angry Brian probably was with him right now.


He remembered Brian being by his side earlier and giving him some pain medication – damn, had he really been such an ass and accused Brian of handing him Tylenol? - but he also remembered his tone of voice during that conversation. Brian had clearly not been happy with him and thinking about how Brian had probably found him when he had come home from work last night, Justin couldn't even blame him. Not really. If he had found Brian drunk as a skunk, not knowing why, he would have been angry as well.

 

After Justin had taken a shower, he felt almost human again and decided that it was time to face the music. He had delayed talking to Brian long enough and knew that he couldn't avoid him all day. And really? Brian had a right to know what had brought this on, why Justin had gotten this drunk. He probably should have talked to Brian weeks ago, but he hadn't. And he didn't even really know why not. It wasn't like Brian wouldn't have listened to him. He knew that. Brian would have probably moved the earth to make him happy. That was just the kind of man Brian was. Not that he would ever admit to it or would be happy if anyone described him like that, but Justin knew that was the kind of man his partner was. Whatever Justin or the boys wanted, Brian would make possible for them. He loved them that much and if they were happy, he was happy. It sounded cliché, but really that was how Brian worked. If the people he loved and that meant more than life to him were happy, Brian was happy. And if he could make them happy in any way or form, he would do whatever he could to achieve their happiness. Sometimes Justin wondered what he had done to deserve a man like that, what he had done to deserve a father like that for his sons and now he felt guilty for the way he had behaved towards this man that loved him so much.

 

Sighing Justin made his way downstairs towards the kitchen and grabbed a breakfast bagel. He chew on it for a couple of seconds as he waited for his coffee to be done and then knew that he really couldn't delay facing Brian any longer.

 

Holding his cup of coffee tightly, Justin slowly walked over to Brian's home office, not surprised that the door was open. It usually was, Brian hated closed doors because it always gave him a feeling that someone wasn't welcome or bothering him. He wanted his sons and Justin to know that they could always come to him, he would always make time for them, so he had made it a point to keep his door open at all times.

 

Justin stopped in the doorway and watched Brian for a couple of seconds, watched his focused gaze, the way he looked at his computer screen while furiously writing something down on a notepad. When he saw Brian put away his pen, he announced his presence with a quiet 'hey'.

 

“Look who's back with the living,” Brian snarked, though his eyes betrayed his true feelings behind the snark. Justin could see concern and most of all love in those hazel eyes and it warmed his heart to know that he had found someone who loved him unconditionally the way Brian did.

 

“I guess I deserve that,” Justin just mumbled, hanging his head as he slowly made his way into the office and walked over to Brian's desk, leaning against it as he looked at his partner from sad eyes.

 

“How is your head?” Brian asked, his voice now gentler and calmer.

 

“I'll survive,” Justin shrugged.

 

“I hope so...would be a pity if I didn't get to hold this over your head for years to come.”

 

Justin just hung his head in shame, knowing that he deserved that and so much more.

 

“I'm sorry, Brian.”


“Sorry is b....” Brian started to speak, but was interrupted by Justin.

 

“No, it's not. And I am. I shouldn't have behaved the way I did yesterday and I shouldn't have gotten drunk like that...”

 

“Why?” Was all Brian asked, raising his eyebrow at Justin.

 

Justin shrugged which seemed to make Brian angry.

 

“The truth,” was all he said in a voice that allowed no contradiction.

 

“I got some disappointing news yesterday and... I don't know... I didn't quite know how to deal with that and drowning my sorrows seemed as good an idea as anything else,” Justin said quietly.

 

“Better than talking to me about it?” Brian asked and Justin could clearly hear the hurt in Brian's voice.

 

“It's not like that, Brian,” Justin whispered in reply, his gaze meeting his partner's.

 

“Then what is it like? Because here I am getting the idea that talking to me must have seemed way worse than getting drunk as a skunk and passing out before dinner time, vomiting your guts out in the middle of the night and having the hangover of all hangovers the next day. It must be really horrible to talk to me, if you chose getting drunk as the better option.”

 

“Brian,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian who wasn't finished yet.

 

“I thought we had moved on from that. I thought we had left that in the past... Jeez, I thought that was me. That only I did shit like that. You're too smart for that, Sunshine.”

 

Justin could hear Brian's anger and frustration, but most of all his disappointment and hung his head. He knew that Brian was right.

 

“I am sorry, I...I made a bad choice and I know I shouldn't have. I know that, Brian.”


“You scared me,” Brian whispered now, looking at Justin from concerned eyes. “This isn't you. This is me. I do shit like that and then you get to kick my ass for being an idiot. Not the other way round. This isn't how we do things, Sunshine.”


Justin couldn't help but chuckle at that, knowing that Brian was right. Usually it had been Justin who would kick Brian's ass for getting drunk and drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He was glad when he saw Brian's lip twitching, obviously trying not to laugh himself at Justin's reaction.

 

“I figured, maybe I should see what all the buzz is about and see if your way works.”

 

“Did it?” Brian raised an eyebrow at his younger partner.

 

“No,” Justin shook his head slowly.

 

“Yeah, never worked for me either,” Brian agreed, then held out his hand. When Justin held out his hand as well, Brian grabbed it and pulled him closer, making him sit in his lap. “Are you feeling any better now?”

Justin leaned into Brian, resting his head on his partner's shoulder and then shook it slowly. “No.”

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Brian offered. Years ago he would have been the last person to make an offer like that. Talking about his feelings had made his dick soft, but with time, Brian had realised that talking about feelings and problems actually helped. It made you feel better and made dealing with issues easier. He had seen the benefit of talking about his own feelings and emotions and even though he still didn't like it most of the time, he knew that it was needed and that it made their relationship a better relationship.

 

“Not really,” Justin muttered, hiding his head in Brian's shoulder and neck, inhaling the scent of his boyfriend.

 

“Justin,” Brian sighed. “Don't be like that.”

 

“Can I distract you with sex?” Justin asked next, slowly sticking out his tongue and licking over Brian's throat.

 

“No, you can't,” Brian said in a serious voice, pulling back from Justin's wandering tongue.

 

“Please,” Justin just whispered, burying his head in Brian's neck.

 

“No,” Brian's voice was adamant and if the situation hadn't been as serious as it was, Brian would have been impressed with himself for his restraint. As would Justin. “You mentioned getting bad news yesterday. What bad news?” Brian asked after a minute of silence between them.

 

“Promise me that you won't get angry?” Justin whispered, pulling back from where his head had rested on Brian's shoulder and meeting his questioning gaze.


“You know I can't promise that if I don't know what's going on,” Brian said reasonably, not wanting to make any promises he couldn't keep.

 

Justin sighed and hid his head in Brian's shoulder once more, speaking in a quiet voice. A voice so full of pain that it broke Brian's heart.


“I... had the male pregnancy gene test done and... I got the results yesterday. I... don't have the gene...”

 

Brian held on to the man in his lap, not quite sure what to make of what Justin had just told him. He himself had had the test done when he had been a teenager and Debbie had taken him and Michael to get tested to see if they had the male pregnancy gene and could get pregnant. Brian had known since he had been in his late teens that he could get pregnant. He was surprised Justin hadn't had the test done before. Usually boys had it done as soon as they knew they were gay or at the latest when they were in their first serious relationship.


“You never had it done before?” He therefore blurted out without thinking.

 

Justin pulled back and made a face as if to say 'Duh'. “Do you think my father would have allowed me to take that test? He couldn't even accept that I am gay. Do you think he would have wanted to know if his gay son was also a pussy that could have fag babies?” Justin imitated his father's voice at the end of his statement and Brian only hugged him closer. Justin didn't mention his father a lot, but Brian knew that deep down he was still hurt by his father's refusal to accept his homosexuality. Justin probably wouldn't ever admit it and would always claim that his father was dead to him, but deep down Brian knew that Justin was hurt by his father's rejection.

 

“What about later?”


Justin just shrugged. “It never really came up... For most of my time in Pittsburgh I didn't have proper health insurance and in New York... it didn't matter... things never got serious enough to even consider it and...it never mattered.”

 

“Why now?” Brian asked quietly, not commenting on what Justin had just said. He would have paid for that test if Justin had wanted it done back in the day. And he knew that Justin must have known that. Or had he doubted him and his affection so much in the past? Not that it really mattered, that was in the past and they had long moved on from that. As for New York, Brian knew that Justin had never been as serious in his relationships there as he and Brian had been. He also knew from Justin that Justin had only ever topped with his boyfriends during his time in New York. He wasn't surprised it hadn't come up then. But why now?

 

“I don't know... I guess I wanted to know...”

 

Brian sighed, pushing Justin's face slightly away from his shoulder, so their gazes could meet. “That's not it. Don't lie to me and most of all, don't lie to yourself,” Brian told him sternly, fixing Justin with his most serious gaze. He hated dishonesty and he knew that there was more to why Justin had gotten the test now.

 

Justin got off from his place in Brian's lap and started pacing the office. He was quiet for the longest time, before he stopped his pacing and turned to look at Brian from sad eyes. Pained eyes.

 

“I wanted to know what it feels like... I... I wanted to experience it myself and... I wanted to experience it with you,” Justin said quietly, before a single tear ran down his cheeks.

 

“Sunshine,” Brian whispered sadly, but didn't know what to reply to the pain he saw in front of him. He could easily see all the pain and desperation in Justin's eyes and within seconds the younger man was crying, sobs wrecking his body.

 

Brian got up from his seat behind his desk and walked over to where Justin was standing, crying, and pulled him into a tight hug, holding his partner close.

 

“I...I just wanted to know what it feels like... I just wanted us to do it together... I just...,” but he never got any further and just continued crying in Brian's arms.

 

“Oh Sunshine...,” Brian whispered, trying to comfort the younger man as best as he could. He led them over to the sofa that was in his office and sat them both down, running his hand through Justin's blond hair. “Why didn't you tell me?”

 

It took Justin a few minutes to calm down and when he had, he looked at Brian from sad eyes. “What difference would it have made?”

 

“We could have gone together, I could have been by your side when you received the results,” Brian said quietly.

 

“It doesn't matter... it's never going to happen anyway,” Justin furiously wiped away his tears and wanted to get up, but Brian wouldn't allow him to. “Brian, let me go.”

 

“No, we're not done here,” Brian said quietly, looking at his partner from sad eyes.

 

“Why? You wanted to know, now you know. There is nothing you can do to fix this, so yes, we're done here.”

 

Brian eyed Justin from sad eyes. “You never told me you wanted another child.”

 

“It doesn't matter now, does it?”

“Of course it does. Sunshine... this is... a big thing and... you never told me. We never talked about having another child. What would you have done if the test had shown that you have the male pregnancy gene? Don't you think this is something we need to talk about?”

 

“Well, I don't. So nothing to talk about,” Justin muttered, just wanting this conversation to end.

 

“Oh, don't give me that. There is lots to talk about here... Maybe... it's my fault, maybe I should have brought it up, after Luke and all, but we have never talked about having more children. Maybe it's time we do.”

 

“Brian, don't...”

 

“Well, you obviously want more children. When were you gonna tell me?”

 

“It's not gonna happen anyway, so what's the point?”

 

“So, you only wanted another child if you could carry it? Is that it?” Brian frowned, looking at Justin in confusion. And something else. Was it hurt?

 

“I... no... I don't know... God... I don't know,” Justin hid his head in his hands and started crying again. “I don't fucking know.”

 

“Then lets try to find out together,” Brian whispered, never letting go of the gentle hold he had on Justin's hand. “Maybe it's time we have this conversation. Maybe it's long overdue.”

 

“I just... I just thought it would be nice to experience it myself. To... experience it with you. Gus was born the night I met you, I don't know anything about his pregnancy and for the most part of his first couple of years, we only saw him occasionally, but not as often as we should have and could have and with Luke...,” Justin didn't go on and he didn't have to. Brian knew exactly what he was gonna say.


“You missed it because of me,” he said quietly.

 

“I just... I just thought it would be nice to be there from the beginning for once. To just experience the whole thing from beginning to end. Just for once, you know? But it's not gonna happen, so this whole conversation is pointless anyway.”

 

“No, it's not,” Brian squeezed his hand slightly. “Why didn't you tell me?”

 

“You know why,” Justin sighed, looking at Brian from sad eyes.

 

“Say it,” Brian urged and saw Justin shake his head again and again. “Say it, Justin.”

 

“Why, Brian? We both know why. What's the point of it?”


“To have it out in the open once and for all. You didn't tell me because of what I did with Luke. Why can't you just say it?”

 

“I didn't fucking tell you because I didn't want to hurt you,” Justin angrily gave back, glaring at Brian. “Because I know how much you're blaming yourself even after all these years and I knew that if I told you, you would only start the whole circle of blaming yourself from the beginning and... I didn't want that... I didn't want you to blame yourself again for something that's in the past.”

 

“So what was your great plan? To just puncture the condoms and get pregnant without letting me know?”

 

“No,” Justin glared at Brian, his eyes widening in shock. “I would never... You know I would never do something like that.” Justin felt shocked that Brian would even think him capable of something like that. That had been one thing Michael used to accuse him off and Justin felt offended that Brian would think the same of him as Michael had all those years ago.

 

Brian ran a hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. “I know... I am sorry, I know you wouldn't.” He looked at Justin from sad eyes. “I just don't understand what you were trying to do.”

“I would have talked to you once the test had come back. I... we would have had that conversation then, but... when I got the news that I don't have the gene... it threw me. I realised that I had wanted this more than I had admitted to myself and that I was more disappointed than I would have ever expected and... I fucked up. I know I should have told you way before. I know I should have talked to you yesterday at the latest, but... the news... it threw me and I didn't know how to handle the disappointment.”

 

Justin was still crying and Brian's heart broke. For the first time he realised how much this had meant to Justin. He had never even thought about having another child, had never even considered it, if he was honest with himself. He had thought they were happy, had thought that Justin was happy with the family they had built for themselves, but apparently he had been wrong.

 

“I am sorry I am such a bad partner, Sunshine. You deserve better... I thought you were happy. That we were happy,” Brian said quietly.

 

“I am happy,” Justin whispered in reply.


“Obviously not.”

 

“I love you, Brian. I love Luke and Gus and I love our family and our life. I am happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be. And... maybe I was like Icarus, flying too close to the sun. Maybe I just wanted too much. Maybe I should have been happy with what I have, but... I thought we could be even happier if this would work, but... I guess now I've messed it all up.”

 

“You deserve all the happiness you can get. You would have deserved it,” Brian said, squeezing Justin's hand.

 

“We would have deserved it,” Justin smiled slightly, looking at Brian from glassy eyes. “God, I went about this all wrong... I don't even know if you would have wanted another child or not. I am sorry I fucked up like this.”


“Honestly?” Brian raised an eyebrow and went on when Justin nodded. “I have never even thought about it. I have never even considered it.”

“Well, now you don't have to anyway.”

 

“Sunshine, I am sorry. I know you wanted this. I can see how much you would have wanted this and I am sorry it's not happening. I am truly sorry.”


“It's not your fault, Brian.”

 

“Then why does it feel that way?”

 

“Well, seeing how we're not related, thankfully, I didn't get my genes from you. So don't even think about blaming yourself for this.”

 

Justin frowned when Brian suddenly started to chuckle. “What?”

 

“You know what I have just realised? The male pregnancy gene is passed on from fathers to sons. That means we can just blame Craig for this.”

 

Justin eyed Brian as if he was crazy, but then started laughing as well. “You're right. It's all Craig's fault.”

 

They both laughed heartily for a minute or two, before they calmed down and Justin leaned closer to Brian, leaving a gentle kiss on his lips. “I am sorry about yesterday and I am sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't mean to keep this a secret from you or to go behind your back. I just... I didn't want to hurt you and I guess by not wanting to hurt you I only hurt you more. I am sorry, Brian.”

 

“Don't be sorry. We should have had this conversation a long time ago and I guess I am also to blame for us not having had it before. I am sorry, Sunshine. You would have deserved this.”

 

“I'll get over it,” Justin said confidently, smiling when Brian pulled him closer and held him tight. “We will.”

“Are we okay, Sunshine?”

Justin nodded slowly, knowing that they were and would be. They had two amazing sons, amazing careers, were happy in their relationship. What more did they really need? Another baby would have been nice and would have been great, he was sure, but what they had was already perfect and maybe it was best not to mess with perfection.

 

“I love you, Brian.”

 

“Not as much as I love you,” Brian replied, kissing the blond mop of hair that was nestled into his side.

 

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