Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone for their comments - I really appreciate all of them and promise to reply to them this week. I was travelling, so apologies for the delay in getting this chapter up!

 

Chapter 14

 

Brian woke to a hand running through his hair. At first he thought it was Justin's hand, but then he noticed that it felt slightly different. He couldn't really explain why, it just felt different. Not the way Justin ran his hands through his hair. Opening one eye to see who was running his hand through his hair, Brian started smiling when he saw Luke's blue eyes staring back at him.

 

“Morning, sonny boy.”

 

“Morning, daddy,” Luke replied quietly, never stopping with his caress of Brian's hair.

 

Brian was not surprised when Luke cuddled closer and moved his head to rest on Brian's chest, still not stopping with his caress of Brian's hair.

 

“Does it hurt, Daddy?” Luke asked quietly, resting his second hand on Brian's chest.


Brian knew what Luke was talking about and just shook his head slowly.

 

“No, it doesn't hurt. Not now.”

 

“That's good. I don't want you to be in pain,” Luke whispered, before he raised his head and looked at Brian once more. “I don't want you to be sick, Daddy.”

 

“I know, but unfortunately, that's out of our control. We can only deal with it now that we know.”

 

“Papa is really sad,” Luke said quietly, looking at Brian from his own blue eyes that looked exactly like Justin's.

 

“I know. So am I,” Brian admitted, not quite sure why he was admitting this to Luke, his eight year old son, but knowing that Luke deserved the truth. “I think we're all sad right now.”

 

“I heard Papa cry last night. When everyone was sleeping. I was awake and I heard him,” the small boy admitted and Brian's heart broke. He wished there was something he could do to take this burden away from his family. Neither Justin nor the boys deserved this.

 

“It's okay to cry, you know. And if your Papa feels like crying, then all we can do is try to be there for him and comfort him.”

 

Luke nodded at that. “I will try. I promise.”

 

“It's not your job to comfort your Papa, Luke. Your job is to be happy and have fun. That should not stop just because I am sick.”

 

“I am happier if you and Papa are also happy,” Luke said reasonably, his whole expression earnest as only a child's could be.

 

Brian smiled at the honesty he saw on Luke's face at that statement. “We'll try. I promise. Even though it might not be easy.”

 

“Okay,” Luke agreed, then rested his head on Brian's chest again. He really was so much like his father, Brian thought, thinking about how Justin loved to rest much in the same position as well.


Brian wrapped his arms around Luke's body and pulled his son closer, holding him tight. “I love you, sonny boy. Never forget that, okay?”

 

“I love you, too,” Luke immediately gave back, before leaning up and kissing Brian's cheek.

 

They stayed like that for a couple more minutes, before Brian decided that they should get a start on preparing breakfast. Justin and Gus were bound to wake up soon and the least he could do was prepare breakfast for them.

 

Luke loved helping him and immediately joined him in the kitchen to get started on their typical Saturday morning routine.


When they left the bedroom, neither of them noticed that Justin had been awake and had been listening to their conversation. Once they had left and Justin was sure they wouldn't see or hear that he was awake, he allowed his tears to flow once more.

 

He cursed the unfairness of the situation, cursed that he and his family were now caught in this mess, knowing that the next months would be very hard on all of them and there was no end in sight.

 

Justin froze when he heard Gus' voice speak to him, after he had cried for several minutes. “Are you okay, Papa?”

 

Justin cursed himself for not having left the bedroom, for having woken Gus up and for having been caught in his moment of weakness. He angrily wiped away his tears and then steeled himself, putting on his best fake smile. “Yeah.”

 

“I don't think you are,” Gus said quietly, looking at Justin from searching eyes. “It's okay, you know?”

 

Justin smiled, running a hand through Gus' hair. “Don't worry about me, Gus. I'll be fine.”

 

“You really are worried for Dad, aren't you?”

 

Justin sighed, knowing that Gus deserved an honest answer and knowing that he and Brian had promised themselves that they would be honest with the boys whenever the situation allowed it. There was no reason not to be honest now. Gus was a teenager now. He deserved to be treated as such and not as a small baby.

 

“Yes,” Justin sighed, taking a deep breath. “I am very worried and scared. Lung cancer is a serious illness.”

 

“I don't want Dad to die,” Gus whispered and Justin heard a pain in his son's voice that made his heart break for the boy.

 

“Neither do I,” he admitted. “And I know that your Dad will do whatever he can to fight this. Whatever it takes to make it through this. Your Dad won't give up. He loves you too much.”

 

“And you,” Gus said quietly, meeting Justin's gaze head on.

 

“Yeah, he loves all of us, just like we love him,” Justin smiled.

 

“Will this therapy that will make him sick hurt M?” Gus asked next, looking at Justin for an honest answer.


Justin realised with a start that they had told the boys that Brian was sick and needed the surgery and chemotherapy, but that in all the pain that had caused, they hadn't really talked about the baby.

 

“Yes, this therapy would hurt the baby a lot which is why they are going to get M early before your father will start with the chemotherapy.”

 

“So, he won't have to do that therapy until next year?” Gus asked and Justin realised that he hadn't been clear enough in his explanation. He realised what Gus was thinking, that Brian would have the baby as planned and would only start the therapy after he had had the baby.

 

“He will have the surgery on Tuesday and then he will recover for a couple of weeks. Probably two or three weeks. It's a big surgery and it will be hard on his body. But... after those two or three weeks... they will get the baby, so they can start with the therapy right away. If they don't start right away, they risk that the sick cells might spread in your father's body and then it will be too late to treat him,” Justin tried to explain in as simple terms as he could.

 

“But,” Gus frowned, looking at Justin in confusion, “M will be very small then. That's way too early for M to be born, right?”


Justin sighed, then nodded. “Yes, it is. It will be dangerous for M, but it's the best option for your Dad and the baby right now. Many babies that get born early are very small and need to stay in the hospital for some time, but then they grow up just like all the other children and will be fine.” He had decided not to go into survival rates and chances of disabilities. Gus was already scared enough, there was no need to scare him more right now. They could cross that bridge when the baby was born.

 

Gus seemed to think over Justin's reply for the longest time, then nodded. “So, both Dad and M could die?”

 

“Yes, they could, but Gus...,” Justin took a deep breath. “We are doing all we can to make sure that they will both be fine. That's why the doctors will do the surgery this quickly.”

 

Gus turned to lie on his back and stared at the ceiling. Justin could see that his eyes were glassy, but he wasn't crying – yet. He could see how Gus was trying to fight his emotions and felt bad for the boy by his side.

 

“It's okay to cry, Gus.”

 

“This sucks,” Gus angrily exclaimed before the tears won and he started sobbing next to Justin.

 

Justin moved closer to Gus and took him in his arms, holding him close as he cried for his father and his sibling and the injustice of the whole situation.

 

When he had calmed down, Justin ran his hand through Gus' auburn hair and whispered in a gentle voice. “I know this sucks... All we can do is hold on and make it through this as a family. It's okay to cry, Gus. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to yell or do whatever you have to do. It's okay. We're all dealing with this in our own way. But at the end of the day we're a family and we stick together. You, me, your Dad and Luke. And... I know that we can make this. I know that your father can make this. He can beat this illness and he and your brother or sister will be fine. We just have to trust in that, okay?”

 

Gus nodded into Justin's chest, his voice a whisper when he spoke next. “I don't want to lose Dad as well.”

 

Justin's heart broke for the boy in his arms, a boy who had already suffered so much in his young life, a boy who had already lost two parents in his young life and was now faced with losing another one. He didn't deserve this. Gus was a good boy and he didn't deserve any of this pain.

 

“Oh Gus, you have no idea how much I wish it wasn't like this. How much I wish you weren't faced with this. If there was anything I could do to take this pain away from you and Luke... I would do it in a heartbeat.”

 

They stayed like that for another twenty minutes, Justin giving Gus the time to work through his emotions and to calm down. Once the boy had calmed down, Justin looked at him from worried eyes.

 

“You can talk to me, okay? Whatever it is you're feeling, just let me know and I will listen, okay? You are not alone, Gus.”

 

Gus nodded, then slowly sat up. “Do you think I can go to the studio later? Alone?”


Justin knew that Gus loved sketching and painting and they had often painted together in the studio. This was the first time that Gus requested going to the studio alone. At first Justin was hesitant to let him into the studio on his own. Not because he was scared that Gus would destroy anything or cause trouble, but because he was scared that Gus was more like his father than they had known and was slowly pulling away from him, trying to work through his emotions on his own, bottling them up instead of talking to him or Brian. Then Justin remembered how his first reaction to bad news had always been a trip to the studio as well. How he had just let out his emotions on the canvas and how the painting had helped him deal with his own pain. Maybe Gus just needed this outlet. And who was Justin to take that away from him?

 

After some slight hesitation, Justin nodded. “Of course. If that's what you want to do.”

 

Gus just nodded.


“Alright, then that's what you'll do.”

 

They then decided to get up and join Brian and Luke in the kitchen for breakfast.

 

When Justin and Gus made their way down, they could hear Luke singing along very offkey to a song that was playing on the radio, Brian humming the tune as well with a smile on his face.


Justin stopped in the doorway, just watching his partner and his son as they were busy preparing fruit salad for everyone and couldn't help but smile. This was such a normal scene. This was just like any other Saturday morning in their house and it brought a smile to his face. This was normalcy and he could deal with that. This was a break from all the pain, however shortlived it might be. Maybe they could be alright if they just continued being themselves.

 

***

 

After breakfast, Justin helped Brian clean up the kitchen while Gus and Luke got dressed for the day.

 

“Is Gus okay?” Brian asked, looking at Justin from concerned eyes. “He was crying earlier, wasn't he?”

 

“He's scared,” Justin simply said and Brian nodded. “He knows about the dangers for the baby, too,” he added after a few seconds.

 

When Brian raised an eyebrow in question, Justin repeated his earlier conversation with Gus.

 

Brian sighed, running a hand over his face in frustration. “I should talk to him.”

 

“Leave him be for now,” Justin said quietly, resting a gentle hand on Brian's arm.

 

“He is hurting. Because of me. I should talk to him and take away his fears,” Brian argued.

 

“You can't. They are real fears and there is nothing we can do to make them go away if we don't want to lie to him. All we can do is help him deal with his fears and be there for him.”

 

 

“Which is why I should talk to him,” Brian only repeated.

 

Justin sighed. On the one hand he could understand Brian's need to talk to Gus, but on the other hand, Justin knew how alike Brian and Gus could be at times and he knew that more conversation was not what Gus needed right now.

 

“Brian... Gus is so much like you... If you go and talk to him, he will feel cornered and he will lash out.” At Brian's doubtful expression, Justin just nodded seriously. “He needs time to work through this on his own. He needs time to deal with this in his own way.”


“He is thirteen, Justin. Not an adult.”

 

“He wants to go to the studio later. Alone,” Justin just said, leaving that statement for Brian to chew on.

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I think because he wants to try and work through this in his own way. I think... he just needs an outlet for all his emotions and he thinks he might find it in the studio.”

 

“And we should just let him?”


“Well, it's better than drinking his way through our liquor cabinet and fucking half of gay Pittsburgh,” Justin replied calmly, looking Brian straight in the eye when he said this.

 

“What the fuck?” Brian just gave back, wondering what had made Justin say that.

 

“It's pain management, Brian. Don't pretend that you don't understand that. You had your way and he has his own way. Or... he's trying to find his own way.”

 

“And we should just let him do this on his own?” Brian didn't like it one bit. While he could see what Justin was saying about pain management, even though he didn't like it, Brian could admit that Justin had a point, he still didn't agree with leaving his son to fend through this on his own.

 

“He is not on his own,” Justin replied calmly.


“Well, from what you said, this is about him going to your studio alone and working through his emotions on his own.”

 

“Yes, but that is different from being alone. We are right here and he knows that. He knows that he can come to us if he needs us. He is not a baby anymore, Brian. He is growing up and... learning how to deal with painful situations... that's part of it. Give him that time in the studio. Maybe it will help him. And if not, we can still talk to him afterwards.”

 

“I don't like it,” Brian harrumphed.

 

“Neither do I, but... I get it. My first stop was the studio as well. It always is when I get bad news. Having that outlet, it helps me deal with things. And... maybe it will help him as well. If it doesn't, we can still talk to him. Just let him try to do it his own way first. He asked me for time alone in the studio. Maybe we just have to trust him that he knows what he needs right now. He's not a small boy anymore, Brian.”

 

“Sonny boy is growing up, huh?”

 

“I think so,” Justin nodded, leaning in for a gentle kiss. “He'll be fine, Brian. I'll make sure of it. You just concentrate on yourself, okay?”

 

“And who's making sure that you're okay?” Brian asked, his voice full of worry and concern.

 

“Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. We will all be fine.”

 

“I'll always worry. It's what I do,” Brian whispered, pecking Justin's lip in another kiss.

 

“And now you'll just have to trust us that we'll be okay and take care of yourself.”

 

“I am not sure I can do that,” Brian admitted and Justin wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight.

 

He knew how hard this was on Brian and he knew how much Brian hated giving up control in any way, shape or form. He knew how hard this whole situation was on Brian and how much harder it was going to get in the coming weeks and months.

 

“Well, you've got your own personal nurse to help you,” Justin winked, remembering how Luke had gone into full on nurse-mode and had taken care of Brian all throughout breakfast. He had constantly asked him if he was alright, if he needed anything, if he wanted Luke to get him anything and had almost refused to leave Brian's side when Justin had sent him to get dressed.

 

“I guess that's his way of dealing with this,” Brian sighed, not quite sure what to make of it. Luke had seemed mostly fine this morning, but he had been very clingy and had hardly moved away from Brian's side at all, claiming that he needed to help his Daddy in whatever way he could.

 

“If it helps him, let him,” Justin whispered, feeling relieved that Luke seemed to have found his own way of dealing with this situation. He had sworn to himself to keep an eye out on him though to make sure that he was really alright.

 

Brian nodded in agreement, knowing that there was not much else they could do anyway. After standing like that for a minute, Brian pulled back from Justin's embrace and eyed him seriously.

 

“We have to figure out a way to tell the others,” he said, his voice even.


Justin knew that if there was any chance at all to keep this a secret, Brian would do just that. Just like he had with his first bout of cancer so many years ago. Brian hated nothing more than pity and Justin knew that just the idea of letting everyone know that he was sick would equal being weak to him. Not that it did, but that was just how Brian's brain worked at times. Being sick and needing their friends' help would equal being weak to Brian and he would hate every second of it.

 

“We have to,” Justin said seriously, wanting to make sure that Brian knew there was no other option.

 

“I know,” Brian sighed. “And we should probably do it before the weekend is over.”

 

Justin agreed. With Brian having to go to the hospital for his surgery on Monday, having the surgery on Tuesday, there was no way they could delay this. And especially not now that Luke and Gus knew. They would need their family's support in taking care of the boys, they would need their help even if they might not like it.

 

“Maybe we can invite them to dinner tonight. That way we would only have to tell them once and everyone would know.”

 

“Sunshine, it's Saturday. Don't you think Emmett has a party to organise or Ted and Blake have opera tickets or some shit?”

 

“I am sure they can all make the time if we tell them it's urgent...”

 

“Or we can just wait until tomorrow when we'll see them all for family dinner anyway.”

 

“Shouldn't we tell them as soon as possible?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow.


“What difference will one day make? Just... let us spend today with the boys and make sure that they are okay. We can worry about the rest of them tomorrow.”

 

Knowing that Brian was right and knowing that the boys should be their priority in any case, Justin agreed in the end to just let the rest of the family know at family dinner the next day and to focus on Gus and Luke this day.

 

They would spend the day as a family with their sons and would make sure that Gus and Luke were alright. They would leave the rest for the next day.

 

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