Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) 

 

Chapter 11

 

 

A couple of days later Brian and Justin found themselves sitting in their doctor's office, watching as the doctor opened Brian's file, read something for a couple of seconds and then looked up at them seriously.

 

“As we have expected, the results are not good. I wish I had better news for you, but the results of the biopsy show that the cells are cancerous. I am sorry to say, but you have what we call an adenocarcinoma, Mr. Kinney.”

 

Justin had no idea what exactly that meant, but he had understood the beginning of what the doctor had said. The cells were cancerous. Brian had cancer. Lung cancer. Justin knew from his research that lung cancer was one of the most fatal kinds of cancer in the world. He had read somewhere that the average 5-year survival rate for lung cancer was less than 20%. And now Brian had exactly that type of cancer.

 

He drew in a sharp breath, but then focused on the man sitting next to him. This was not the time for him to break down. He needed to stay strong for Brian and his family. He needed to be there for his partner. He had made that promise to himself and if it was the last thing he did, no matter the cost to himself, he would be there for his partner.

 

Turning to Brian, Justin frowned when he didn't see any reaction from the man at his side. Brian just seemed to stare ahead, looking right past the doctor at a point on the wall behind him.

 

“Brian?” Justin asked quietly, squeezing Brian's hand that was resting in his lap. “Brian?” He repeated once more, this time louder, when Brian didn't react the first time.


After what seemed like several minutes, but was probably only seconds, Brian turned to look at Justin and when their gazes met, Justin saw so much pain and defeat in those hazel eyes he loved so much.

 

“Guess now we know, huh?” He said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper.

 

Justin nodded sadly, then drew Brian closer into a tight hug. “It will be alright. We can do this,” he said, his voice full of conviction and strength.

 

Turning back to the doctor, Justin cleared his throat before he asked the question that mattered the most.


“What is the prognosis?”

 

Looking from Justin to Brian and back, the doctor started explaining what they were dealing with.


“Nearly 40% of lung cancers are what we call adenocarcinomas which usually come from peripheral lung tissue. We consider them non-small-cell lung carcinomas and they are generally not very sensitive to chemotherapy or radiation. In your case, the cancer hasn't spread yet, so we are still at a quite early stage. It is however concerning that the cancer has grown at such a fast pace, seeing how your latest check up just a few months ago showed you as completely cancer-free. Right now, we're speaking of a tumour that is between 1-2 inches across which would make it a stage two at this point.”

 

At that point the doctor was interrupted by Brian's impatient voice. “What is the 5-year survival rate?” Having gone through cancer before, Brian knew that that was really all that mattered at this point. How high or low were his chances of survival of this damn thing?

 

“Mr Kinney, at this point, we have many different options and since we have found the cancer before it has spread, we are still very optimistic...”

 

“How high?” Brian asked once more, making it clear that he expected a precise answer and no more of the doctor dodging around.

 

“Around 25%,” the doctor replied seriously.

 

“Fuck!” Brian just exclaimed, before getting up from his seat next to Justin and starting to pace.

 

Justin watched him in concern, but knew better than to get up as well and comfort him now. Brian would not appreciate that in front of a doctor that they hardly knew and probably needed a bit of time to come to terms with the diagnosis on his own.

 

As he watched Brian pace, Justin thought about that number. 25%. Fuck indeed. This was a real threat to Brian's life and he was obviously very sick. This was not like the testicular cancer, which obviously had also been serious in itself, but had had a 5-year survival rate of more than 95%. This was real. This was a cancer that could kill Brian and take him away from Justin and the boys if they didn't get lucky.

 

“What about treatment options?” Justin asked quietly, remembering how the doctor had mentioned that this type of cancer wasn't sensitive to chemotherapy or radiation.

 

“For this type of cancer the treatment of choice would be surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung. It would most likely be followed up by a circle of chemotherapy.”


“But you said,” Justin started, to be interrupted by the doctor right away.

 

“Yes, this type of cancer is not overly sensitive to chemotherapy which is why it won't be our only treatment option. After removal of the affected lobe of lung however, chemotherapy can help to minimise the chances of the cancer spreading further. Studies have revealed that patients with this specific type of cancer benefit from adjuvant therapy in the form of chemotherapy. The results found that patients given chemotherapy after the initial surgery lived 4% longer than those who did not receive chemotherapy.”

 

“4%?” Justin frowned. That didn't seem like a lot.

 

“I know it might not seem like a lot right now, but test results have been good for this kind of treatment,” the doctor calmly explained.

 

All this time Brian had stayed completely quiet and had continued his pacing. Now he stopped however and turned to the doctor with a question. When he spoke, Justin could hear how pained his voice sounded.

 

“What about the baby?”

 

“Seeing how the cancer has grown at an alarmingly fast rate so far, we would have to take action immediately. I am sorry, but I don't think there is anything that can be done to save your baby at this point. We will have to schedule surgery right away and will have to start your chemotherapy treatment as soon as you have recovered from the surgery.”

 

“Can't we wait until...,” Brian started asking, but stopped when he saw the doctor shake his head sadly.

 

“If we wait, we risk the cancer spreading. If it spreads, the chances for you surviving will go down even further. I am sorry, Mr Kinney, but right now our focus needs to be on saving you.”

 

“So, you want me to just kill my baby?” Brian asked and Justin could hear the pure desperation in his partner's voice.

 

“Brian,” he said quietly, trying to reach out and grab Brian's hand, but Brian only turned away and refused to meet Justin's eyes or his touch.

 

“I will not kill my baby. I will not have an abortion,” he said, his voice eerily calm.

 

“Mr Kinney, I must ask you to think about this some more and to not make any rash decisions right now.”


“Rash decisions?” Brian turned around and his eyes glared at the doctor. “You are asking me to kill my unborn child. That is not gonna happen. Absolutely not.”


“Brian,” Justin started to speak, feeling his heart break for the older man. He knew how Brian felt about abortion. It wasn't that he was generally against it, Brian believed in every person having a choice and he adamantly believed in it being a private issue that should be decided by the person, not the state, but at the same time Justin knew that Brian would never get an abortion. No matter what the reason. And how could he after he had heard his parents say for years that they should have never had him and aborted him? How could he not be influenced by that?


Justin couldn't blame Brian about his feelings on abortion, but right now they were talking about saving Brian's life. Brian's life was at stake.

 

“No, Sunshine. Just no,” Brian replied, meeting Justin's gaze head on.

 

Knowing that there was no arguing with Brian right now, Justin just nodded and decided to see what other options they might have.

 

“What if we... can't we wait until it will be safe for the baby to be born?” He asked next.

 

“We could, but by that point, we risk the cancer spreading to other organs.”

 

“And if we had the surgery now and the chemotherapy after the baby is born?” Justin suggested, wondering if that was even possible.

 

“Gentlemen, I'll have to be frank here. This is not a simple surgery. It will put a lot of stress on your body and therefore the baby. Removing a lobe of lung will take quite some time to recover from. You will have reduced lung capacity for the rest of your life and this might limit your range of activities for the rest of your life. Right now your body is what is keeping your baby alive and all its strength is focused on that baby, but once a lobe of lung is removed, your body will need all its strength to recover from that. Don't underestimate the effects of a surgery like that,” the doctor warned.

 

“So... you are saying there is no chance, but to give up on the baby,” Justin asked carefully, wanting to make sure that he had understood correctly.

 

“Which is not going to happen,” Brian said adamantly, glaring at both Justin and the doctor.

 

“I wish there was another way, I really do. I can see how hard this is on you both, but... in my medical opinion, the best course of action right now would be to focus on Mr Kinney's health entirely.”

 

“I have already told you that...,” Brian started angrily, only to be stopped by Justin, who had gotten up and walked over to Brian's side, putting a gentle hand on his arm.

 

“Brian, please... Let's not make any rash decisions. The doctor is right. Let's talk about this quietly. At home,” Justin said pointedly, making it clear to Brian that they would not discuss this any further in front of the doctor. This was a private matter between the two of them and it would be discussed in private. They didn't need any witnesses for this conversation.

 

Seeing the look of determination in Justin's eyes and knowing better than to contradict him when he was in this mood, Brian just nodded in the end. “Fine.”

 

Justin nodded, then turned back to the doctor.

 

“Obviously, this is something we need to discuss some more.”


The doctor nodded in understanding. “Obviously. I must however urge you not to take too long. Time is of the essence here.”

 

Justin nodded, promising the doctor that they would get back to him as soon as possible.

 

They then bid their goodbyes and quietly made their way home. They didn't speak at all. There was no reason to. Justin knew how Brian felt, he had made his opinion very clear in the doctor's office and to be honest, Justin wasn't quite sure how he felt himself.

 

He needed time to think about their options and needed some more time to look at it all from all sides. He couldn't just go and make a decision of such an importance without doing that. It wouldn't be fair to their family.

 

When they arrived back at the house, Justin watched as Brian moved to his study and closed the door behind him. That was a clear sign to Justin that Brian wasn't ready to talk to him yet. While Justin hated that Brian was shutting him out, he was also glad at the same time. It gave him some time to make up his own mind on this matter and to figure out what he wanted.


Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, Justin made his way to his studio, where he sat down on the futon with a sketchpad. He didn't sketch though.

 

As soon as he had sat down and opened the sketchpad, his eyes had landed on a sketch of Brian with Luke, who was gently rubbing Brian's belly. Brian had a serene smile on his face while Luke looked beyond excited to be touching his father's belly.

 

Tears came to Justin's eyes as he looked at the sketch and remembered that day a couple of weeks ago. Gus had been out at a friend's birthday party and they had watched a movie together, just the three of them. Brian and Justin had cuddled and Luke had been nestled between them. When Justin had gotten up to get them some more popcorn, Luke had obviously moved and this had been how Justin had found his son and partner when he had returned to the living room a couple of minutes later. The movie had long been forgotten and both father and son had been focused completely on Brian's belly.

 

It had been a good day, a day when none of this cancer threat had hung over their heads. Brian had been coughing, but at the time they had still thought that it was just a cough and hadn't worried about it too much.

 

Now they knew differently. Now they knew it was cancer and that there was a very real chance that Brian could die.

 

Justin cried helplessly for what felt like hours, not able to deal with the information they had been given that morning.

 

They were finally happy, had finally gotten the family they had always wanted and now there was the very real chance that all of it could be ripped from them. The very real chance that Brian could die. And then? Justin would be on his own with their two sons. He wasn't sure he could do that. He wasn't sure he could survive without Brian. He needed Brian. Brian and his sons were his reason for living. He loved Brian with all his heart and every cell in his body ached when he thought about losing Brian. He couldn't lose him. Not without losing himself as well. He knew that.

 

And what would that mean for their family? How would their sons survive without Brian? It would hurt them so much to lose their father. Especially Gus who had already lost his mothers as well. God, didn't that boy deserve a break? Justin wondered angrily.

 

None of this was fair in his opinion. No, Brian hadn't always been the nicest or most decent person on the planet, he had been a real asshole at times and more than once he had been a real asshole to Justin as well. Hell, Brian had nearly destroyed him by keeping Luke a secret from him. And back then Justin knew that he had cursed Brian to hell and back, but even then he wouldn't have wished this on Brian. Brian didn't deserve any of this. Their family didn't deserve this. And yet here they were.

 

Justin felt torn by his own feelings. If it was up to him, he knew that he would want Brian to do whatever was needed to save his own life. He needed Brian to stay alive and with their family. At the same time those thoughts made Justin feel incredibly bad, because that meant that he was giving up their baby to save Brian. What did that say about him? Didn't he love their baby?

 

Yes, he did. He knew he did. He had been beyond excited for this baby and couldn't wait for it to be with them, but he wasn't sure he already loved M more than he loved Brian. Maybe it was because he wasn't the one carrying the baby. Maybe he didn't have such a deep connection with M as Brian had, but what did that say about him? What kind of person did it make him that he would so easily choose Brian over their baby?

 

Well, Justin chided himself, not necessarily easy. None of this was easy. And just looking at how bad the thought alone made him feel, he knew it would be anything but an easy decision.

 

Most of all however, he knew that it was a decision that Brian would have to make. It was not Justin's decision. Justin wasn't the one that was sick and at the risk of dying.

 

Knowing that the only way to reach a decision would be to talk, Justin tried to get his emotions under control and decided that he had given Brian enough time to deal with this on his own. Now it was time for them to deal with it together.

 

Making his way downstairs to Brian's study, Justin quietly entered the room, not surprised to find Brian stretched out on the sofa in the room.

 

He quietly walked over, noticing how Brian's eyes watched him. He immediately saw the tears on Brian's face, saw his red, puffy eyes and knew that Brian had cried as well.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly as he sat down on the edge of the sofa, next to Brian's still form.


Brian just shrugged, looking at Justin from pained eyes.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Justin asked gently, running his fingers down Brian's cheek, wiping away his tears.

 

When the older man shook his head, Justin just nodded. Apparently Brian wasn't ready to talk yet, but Justin also wasn't feeling like dealing with this on his own any longer. He needed Brian by his side, needed his partner, needed to feel him there.

 

Justin slowly moved his body and carefully laid down next to Brian, feeling relieved when Brian moved over and made space for him next to him on the sofa. Justin sighed as Brian pulled him close into an embrace and held him tight.

 

They lay like that for a long time, just holding each other, inhaling each other's scent. Justin rested his head on Brian's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and feeling the constant rise and fall of his chest, while Brian had buried his head in Justin's hair, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Justin.

 

Thankfully today was the day that Jennifer picked up the boys from school and they spent the afternoon and early evening at their grandmother's place, so the two men didn't have to worry about picking up the boys from school and could just concentrate on themselves.

 

In the end, exhaustion took over and both of them fell asleep, lying like that on the sofa in Brian's study. It wasn't the most comfortable place to sleep in, but at least they were together and in each other's arms. That was all that mattered.

 

Justin woke up again when he felt movement by his side. He groaned, not ready to fully wake up quite yet.

 

“Shhhh, sleep on, Sunshine.”


“Where are you going?” Justin murmured, half-opening an eye and seeing Brian carefully move over him and off the sofa.

 

“Need to piss,” Brian said quietly, before he leaned down and left a gentle kiss on Justin's lips.


“What time is it?” Justin asked when the kiss had ended.

 

“Around 5pm,” Brian replied, before leaving the room.

 

Knowing that they couldn't just sleep away the day and that sleeping would not help them, Justin forced himself to fully wake up and sit up.

 

After a few minutes Brian returned. He saw Justin sitting up, rubbing his sleepy eyes, his hair pointing in all directions.

 

“You have the worst case of bedhead any man has ever seen,” Brian teased, gently running his hand through Justin's hair.

 

“You love it, admit it,” Justin winked. Just as Brian was about to reply to that, a coughing fit shook him and hearing Brian cough brought Justin back to their reality. For a few seconds he had forgotten about their visit to the doctor earlier that day. For a few seconds everything had been okay and it had just been the two of them, but hearing Brian cough now, everything came back.

 

The cancer, M, Brian's chances of survival.

 

A dark cloud settled over Justin as he watched Brian make it through his coughing fit. Once Brian had regained his breath, Justin smiled at him, took his hand and pulled him in the direction of their kitchen. “I'll make you some tea.”

 

Brian just nodded and they sat down together at the kitchen table while the kettle heated the water for their tea.

 

It was Justin who first started speaking. “I know you don't want to talk about this, but... we have to.”

 

Brian sighed, meeting Justin's eyes. “What is there to talk about?”

 

“A whole damn lot,” Justin replied seriously. “I get it, you don't want to talk about this, but Brian, we have to.”

 

“The boys will be back soon. We shouldn't have this conversation with them around. They shouldn't... know.”

 

“They will have to know, Brian. We can't keep this a secret from them,” Justin said seriously.

 

“They shouldn't find out by us arguing about it.”

 

“Why would we argue?” Justin asked.

 

Brian just raised an eyebrow as if to say 'Really?' and Justin hung his head knowing that Brian was right.

 

They didn't argue a lot, but when they did it usually got pretty heated and passionate. Whenever they could, they tried to keep any arguments away from the boys and tried to keep them private and between them. They didn't want their sons to grow up in a house where it was normal that their parents were constantly fighting. So far they had done a pretty good job and Brian was right, this was bound to be an issue where they would argue. And even if they didn't argue, it would be emotional and the boys shouldn't see them like this before they had been told the truth.

 

“Maybe Mom can watch them for the night,” Justin suggested quietly, relieved when Brian just nodded.

 

Justin picked up his phone and called his mother.

 

“Justin?”

 

“Hi Mom,” Justin started the conversation after his mother had picked up on the second ring.

 

“Is everything alright?” Jennifer asked, obviously confused why Justin would call her if they were supposed to see each other in a while when she took the boys home.

 

What a loaded question, Justin thought to himself as he thought about how to best answer her. Nothing was alright, but he didn't want to tell her and worry her. Not yet.

 

“Yeah, look Mom... Brian and I were wondering if you could maybe watch the boys overnight. There... there are some things we need to discuss and it's better if the boys are not here for that.”

 

“Honey?” Jennifer just asked, in that tone that only a mother could muster. It was a tone full of concern, curiousness and also slight accusation for not telling her what was going on. As it was obvious that something was going on.

 

“Mom, please? Can you? If not, I'll give Debbie a call and ask her,” Justin went on, trying to ignore his mother's concerned tone.


“Of course I can. I'd love to watch them overnight, you know that.”


“Thanks, Mom,” Justin said in obvious relief. “We appreciate it.”

 

“Don't mention it.”


“Thanks, Jennifer,” Brian cut in at that point, also thanking her for stepping up on such short notice.


“Brian?” Jennifer was obviously surprised to hear his voice.

 

Brian's and Justin's eyes met and they were both thinking the same. Jennifer had obviously thought that they had already fought and was probably thinking they weren't talking to each other or not in the same place.

 

“As Justin said, we really appreciate it. Tell the boys we'll pick them up from school tomorrow and will make it up to them then.”

 

“Alright,” Jennifer relented, not quite sure that she understood what was going on, but knowing that something was going on. “Are you okay?”

 

“No,” was all that Brian replied after the longest pause, not able to lie to this woman who had become a second mother to him, with Debbie being his first mother. After all she had done, he couldn't lie to her.

 

“Brian?” Jennifer's voice immediately sounded more concerned, but it was Justin that took over now.

 

“Mom, please. We'll talk to you when we're ready, but... for now... we just need some time alone. Okay?”

 

Not happy with Justin's reply, but knowing both her son and Brian well enough to know that she wouldn't be getting more out of them at this point, she reluctantly agreed.

 

“Okay,” she said, knowing that both Brian and Justin were adults and this was their life and their relationship and not hers. The times where she could have pressured Justin to tell her what was going on had been long gone. He had grown up many years ago and was his own man with his own family now.

 

After saying goodbye to both men, she just hoped that whatever was going on wouldn't harm their family. They were so happy right now with the new baby on the way. She didn't want that to be taken away from them.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

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