~ Monday Morning, Downtown Pittsburgh ~

"Hi." A tall woman wearing a black, sleeveless top greeted me with a smile as I walked into the driveway of Blake's building. I checked the address that Blake had written down for me on a piece of paper the other night to make sure I was at the right place. Still, I was wondering if I should just turn back and walk away and forget the whole thing. I mean... I liked the idea of hanging out with Blake at his studio and maybe getting some cool ideas for a massive tattoo for myself, but at this point I didn't really know what was going on.

"May I help you?" the woman asked me.

I had no idea who this woman was, or what was she doing there, but something about her friendly demeanor put me at ease. Nevertheless, my facial expression must have conveyed my confusion. 

"I'm Leda, Blake's girlfriend," she introduced herself.

Girlfriend? I decided not to say anything out loud, but I was quite baffled. I don't know why, but for some reason I thought Blake was identifying as a trans gay man. Since we had never spoken much about it that night when we had met at the club, however, I apparently guessed wrong. 

"I'm Justin. Nice to meet you," I answered, relieved that my voice didn't betray me.

"Is Blake expecting you? I mean, do you have an appointment for a tattoo?" She asked. 

"Well, not exactly. I'm a friend of a friend, and he suggested we meet here," I explained, watching her flip some of her long, brown hair away from her face. "I've been thinking about it, though." 

"Cool, I think you might like it," she replied with a smile. "He's quite the artist." I nodded at her as she explained, "Well, I'm going to go open the shop. Would you like to come in and wait for him?" 

It was strange; I barely knew her, but I still felt comfortable around her. "Sure...thanks," I decided. She nodded back at me with a smile as I watched her head inside. 



"Justin! Hi, great to see you!" Blake enthusiastically greeted me as he showed up a few minutes later. "I see you've met Leda already," he smirked, playfully smacking her on the butt. Surprisingly it didn't feel awkward to me or trigger any unwanted emotions.

"Indeed, I have," I confirmed, smiling at him. 

"Well, have fun, boys! I'm off to work. I'll see you later," Leda said. With a coy smile and another flick of her long hair, she turned and headed out the door. 

"Wow, she's really cool," I couldn't help but comment after she left.

"She is; she's great," Blake agreed. "She's the best partner I could have ever hoped for," he added sincerely. We stood there in silence for a few more minutes. I had hoped that Blake would tell me more about Leda - like the way Cody had shared his experiences with his partner, Peter, that summer at the lake cabin - but he didn't, and I respected that. "So... how've you been since Saturday night?" Blake asked me after a brief pause.

I shrugged. "Good, I guess...considering everything that's been going on," I answered.

"Yeah, that sucks, I know, but hey, look at the bright side," he responded, obviously trying to encourage me.

"You mean the surgery?" I asked. Blake nodded as I nodded back at him in confirmation. "I want to do it so badly...but it also scares the hell out of me," I admitted. 

"Yeah, I know. It's quite an angsty experience, I've been there," Blake reminded me. "It may very well be the most life-altering decision you'll ever make. But there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, trust me. I don't regret what I did for one minute." 

"That's what Cody keeps telling me, but it's not just that, it's just that... what if something goes wrong? I don't want to wind up like some fucking freak..." My voice trailed off. 

"Well, I won't bullshit you and tell you everything will be okay, because there are always risks. But Dr. Schmidt is the best there is, so if anyone can perform your surgery flawlessly, it would be him." He paused for a moment before peering over at me to ask, "So will you have someone there to support you during your procedure? I think that's very important. I don't know what I would have done if Cody hadn't been there for me that day."

"No, so far I haven't thought about who I should ask to be there with me. In fact, I might be such a nervous wreck the whole time that no one would even want to be near me," I answered Blake candidly.

"Come on, man! Don't think that way; you want to think good vibes, not bad," Blake gently reproached me. Noticing how my anxiety was starting to build, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder in a reassuring manner. "Hey, tell you what. I don't have a customer for a while yet. You want to go grab something to eat back in my office? I've got some homemade granola bars and some green tea if you'd like to join me before I get to work in the studio," he offered.

"Thanks," I answered gratefully. Shit, I didn't think I would feel so exposed, but at least Blake was someone who was able to understand what I'm going through. As we walked toward the back of Blake's spacious loft - separated from his studio area - I couldn't help but wonder how other people would react if they saw me like that. CIS gender people, that is, especially one very particular CIS person. Someone whose name starts with a B. 

"Are you okay, Justin?" Blake asked, clearly noticing I had started to zone out.

"Umm...I don't know!" I responded honestly in frustration. I grabbed a couple of fistfuls of my hair briefly as I exclaimed, "Fuck! I really didn't want to think about it today... to think about...HIM." I felt the tears burning my eyes, and I had to avert my gaze so I wouldn't embarrass myself in front of Blake.

"Hey, look, I don't know who you're thinking about, but don't worry about it," he told me soothingly. "It's okay, I totally understand. You don't even have to talk about it now, unless you feel like it, of course," Blake said, sending me a reassuring smile. I could still feel my heart beating faster. I took a deep breath, trying to get myself together, and nodded back at Blake gratefully.

"I don't know why I'm reacting like this; sorry 'bout that," I stated, embarrassed.

"Don't apologize; you're entitled to have feelings," Blake reassured me.

"I know, but...it's kinda lame," I said. "I mean, as long as I spoke about him with Cody, it was okay, you know? But as I sit here now, hearing myself talking about this guy out loud, it kind of freaks me out, because it's becoming more real." I struggled to explain as I asked, "How could I even have feelings for him if I don't really know anything about him? And, oh, did I mention that he has no idea what I'm going through right now?" I snorted at the irony, shaking my head in disgust. "You must think I'm such a fucking drama queen," I stated, my hands covering my face.

"No, not at all," Blake answered. "But, hey, if this guy is having such an effect on you, he must be really special." He eyed me curiously. "Who is he?"

"This...this guy that I met," I began. Lowering my hands from my face, I could feel the corners of my mouth rising upwards.

"Yeah...so he's trans?" Blake asked the obvious question.

"Well, here's the thing..." I hesitated. "He's..."

"He's not," Blake completed my sentence.

I shook my head. "No. He's a CIS gender gay man," I confirmed.

"How can you be sure?' Blake asked.

"That he's a CIS man? Come on...it's not rocket science..." I replied, my mood starting to change, as I felt my face turning red at the image in my mind.

"Did you get to see his dick? Already?" Blake half-joked.

"No, but..." I stopped mid-sentence. "He was obviously born a male, there's no doubt about that," I replied, still blushing. "But, hey, guess what? He actually approached me first at that bar I went to with my CIS female friend, Daphne. He thought I was a guy; no questions asked," I stated firmly, unable to keep a little bit of pride out of my voice as I leaned back into the chair in Blake's kitchen where we were seated.

"So that was the reason you concluded he was gay?" Blake then asked.

"Well, it was a gay bar..." I answered, starting to waver a bit in my certainty. "I mean, he was so....so masculine! And his pack..., uh...he was impressive." I suddenly felt very embarrassed for some reason as I fought back tears of disappointment. Had I been duped? 

Blake eyed me sympathetically. "Look, Justin, you strike me as a very sensitive, intelligent, young man, but you probably realize as much as I do that looks can be deceiving. Don't assume anything about him - or about yourself for that matter - until you've seen the whole picture. Don't jump to any conclusions, and most of all don't see yourself through other people's eyes. See yourself the way YOU want to be seen. I know it's difficult and frustrating, and it can really mess with your head, but believe me when I tell you that it will get better. I'm not trying to patronize you here; it's the truth. You're about to enter a major phase in your transition, so you're obviously scared shitless, but I know it's what you want, isn't it?"

I nodded firmly. Right now, I wanted it badly. I couldn't imagine going backward now; it would kill my spirit. 

"If there's this person out there who's attracted to you based on who you are, I think it's worth a try, " Blake reassured me, his voice calm but strong.

"But what if...what if I told him the truth, and he just walks away?" I asked, verbally revealing my greatest fear. "If he IS a gay man, he probably won't be able to stand the thought of being with me." 

Blake appeared flustered, and perhaps a bit irritated. "Why are you jumping the gun, Justin? I mean, sure, I can totally understand your doubts, but it's not just what's 'between the sheets.' I mean...Leda is a CIS female, and she's not gay. I was honest with her about my transition the first day we met. Back then I was in the early stages, and even though I passed really well as a guy, I'd be lying if I told you we didn't have a few angsty moments along the way. But we made it through. I'm not saying I've overcome all my demons, but I'm definitely way more confident in who I am. I'm a trans guy, and she is my girlfriend, and everything we've experienced so far is just the beginning of what I know will be a long - but satisfying - journey. The fact that I'm a trans man and she's a CIS straight woman is just one element of our relationship. It's what makes us work harder at succeeding, I guess," Blake concluded, his words ringing in my ears. "But it's just part of who we are. Who YOU are. The person who are inside won't change. You just have to start looking at things from a different perspective. We're no different than anyone else who wants to be loved and accepted for who they are."

I took another deep breath as I looked at him before slowly exhaling, feeling some of the pressure ebbing away. I smiled at him gratefully. "Thank you Blake. I really needed to hear that," I told him, my voice choked with emotion. I blinked through my tears and nodded as he nodded back at me, instantly understanding what I meant. I suddenly felt a conviction and determination I hadn't had before, and it felt liberating.

"So, how about a grand tour of my studio?" Blake asked me, bringing my mind back to the present.

"Yeah, I'd like that," I answered with a nod, very curious to see what it looked like. Blake's studio turned out to be spacious and airy, and didn't resemble that seedy tattoo parlor Daphne and I had gone to when I had received my first tattoo. I followed him over to his desk, where he booted up his laptop and found the page he was looking for. 

"Let's see...would something like this suit you?" Blake asked me, pointing to an intricate, multi-colored design on his laptop screen as I leaned over his shoulder to take a better look.

"Yeah...I really like that. Wow, you are so talented!" I replied, impressed by his work. Blake smiled at me, pleased at the praise. "The warm tones are very eye-catching." It was a very fluid design, and rich in detail. But then I noticed one other bold floral design in red and yellow colors directly below the other one. I couldn't help the radiant smile that broke out on my face when I saw that one. I don't know why...but I just knew it somehow. It was the one. I could feel it. 

"You've got a great eye, man," Blake nodded, smiling back at me. "This is one of my more recent designs. I decided to introduce more color, and not shy away from floral patterns. Who says you can't have floral-based tattoos if you're a trans gay man, right?"

"Hell, yeah, " I answered with a grin, noticing that this particular pattern was quite large, which meant that if I chose this one it would go from my shoulder all the way down my arm and almost to my elbow, covering my old Scorpio tattoo. That didn't bother me, though, because it wasn't a very high quality tattoo anyway, and it reminded me about parts of my life I wasn't particularly keen to savor. Somehow it seemed right that something new would be now be covering the old one; sort of like a fresh start in my life.

"How long will it take?" I asked.

"A tattoo this size takes a few days, but I think we should consider your upcoming your surgery," he informed me. "When's the big day, by the way?" He asked.

"In three weeks," I answered, still not able to believe it myself.

"Well, we'll have plenty of time," Blake noted.

"That's great! How about we start tomorrow?" I asked, eager to see it come to life.

"So soon?" Blake responded wryly with a grin, obviously picking up on my enthusiasm.

"Yeah, I've made up my mind, so why wait?" I answered right away.

He nodded at me. "Sure thing. You got it. How's 11:00 tomorrow morning sound to you?" he asked.

"It sounds perfect; I'll be here," I promised, my heart pounding with excitement at the thought. This was yet one more step toward my new destination, and now I couldn't wait.

TBC...