Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

This is the last chapter in this amazing journey.  I have started a sequel and hope that people are interested in reading it.  Thank you for all the comments and sticking with me as I wrote this large novel.

Brian - Wednesday

 

Brian's day was busy on Wednesday; a new client, Cynthia was out sick, and a mixup on a print mock-up had him on edge when he left work. He had promised Gus that he would attend an information meeting at school about a summer arts program and he had planned on attending an AA meeting during lunch but his day was too hectic.  He knew there were going to be times that he couldn't attend a meeting and he hoped there would one day be a time where he didn't feel the need to attend every day.  

 

He went to the meeting and signed Gus up.  The program was geared toward elementary and middle school kids to expose them to the arts.  There was a resident artist that offered to come in for a week at a time and teach the kids.  He thought of Justin and how good he would be as a teacher.  He'd spent a good deal of time teaching Gus about art and he could just see him teaching other kids too.  After he left the meeting, it was too late to attend any meetings as it was after 8:00.  He thought about calling Ted, but he didn't want to intrude on his personal life.  He felt that over the last week, he was skirting the edge of pushing the bounds of friendship.  He wanted to call Justin, but since he hadn't gone to a meeting, he didn't want Justin to worry about his sobriety.  Instead, he called Cleo, like he'd agreed to do.   

 

"Hi, Brian.  How was your day?"

 

"Busy, and before you ask, I didn't get to a meeting today.  All kinds of hell broke loose at work and my assistant, who would normally deal with all that shit, was out sick.  I don't trust anyone to handle some of that stuff except for the two of us, so I was handling all the crap.  Then my kid wanted me to go to some information thing about a summer program he wants to attend.  Ever since I told his mothers that I'll pay for all his needs, every little thing, even a pair of fucking socks is left up to me to buy.  I don't mind; I have plenty of money.  I think it is their way to try and get under my skin, hoping that I'll change my mind once I realize how much and how often he needs or wants things. That's not happening, but you don't really want to hear about my for crap day,"  Brian said, parking the car in the garage across from his home.  

 

He sat in the car rather than getting out as he thought it would be a quick conversation.  

 

"I see.  Well, I'm glad you called.  Have you started your journal?"  Cleo asked, not wanting to pass judgment on Brian. 

 

"Yeah.  I got a few things down.  You're not going to tell me I should have made time for a meeting?" Brian said, thinking that he had a few thoughts to add to his journal tonight.

 

"Brian, I told you that a sponsor's role is to help you with your sobriety.  There are some people who only go to meetings once a week and others go twice a day.  I'm not the AA police," Cleo said, reiterating his philosophy.  He was pleased that Brian had started his journal and was eager to hear what some of his insights would be if he chose to share them.

 

"Yeah, I know.  The whole sponsor thing is still new to me.  Part of me keeps thinking it's like school, even though I know it's not. While I have suggested homework, I get to decide if I'm going to do it or not and the only consequence of not doing it is on me.  I don't get a grade or anything, but I do benefit if I do it,"  Brian said, thinking this might be a good topic to write on in his journal as well.

 

"True.  Sobriety is your reward for following the program and there is no grade for that.  Other than having an annoying day at work, how did you handle the stress?" Cleo asked, hoping that Brian was recognizing his coping mechanisms.  They had talked about them at their meeting last night and he wondered if Brian had started to identify them.

 

"I made a list of all the things that needed to be done and then prioritized them.  When I was drinking, I had a difficult time breaking things down and wanted to look at the overall picture.  That resulted in frustration since solving things out of order doesn't really resolve the problem, and often causes more problems. Making a list of all the problems let me see where the areas were that needed to be addressed.  Even though there were issues, I didn't really feel that things got out of control."  Explaining his actions to Cleo, Brian was very pleased with his actions.  He hadn't really thought of how he handled the situation today at work or what his thoughts were about Gus' mothers and their latest financial manipulations until he started talking to Cleo.  

 

"That must feel good, knowing that you can handle things when there are problems without resorting to alcohol," Cleo said, commending Brian on his success.

 

A warm feeling washed over Brian at Cleo's praise.  "Yeah, I guess it does. Thanks for pointing that out,"  Brian said, wondering why Cleo's praise seemed to be more impactful than some of the things that he and Justin had discussed.

 

"Okay.  Sounds like you've got things under control today, but feel free to call if there are problems.  I'll talk to you tomorrow,"  Cleo said and disconnected the call.

 

Brian smiled and heard his stomach grumble, realizing that he had never eaten dinner.  He'd gotten so used to eating a late dinner with Justin that his body had readjusted its clock.  He walked to his loft, grabbed his mail, and placed it on the counter.  He undressed, hung up his suit, and changed into jeans and a wife-beater, his version of loungewear.  He went into the kitchen and fixed himself a turkey sandwich, lamenting that he didn't have any leftovers from the weekend.  He thought about calling Gus to tell him about the meeting, but when he looked at the time, realized it was too late. He made a mental note to call him tomorrow.  He sat at the island looking at the mail as he ate his turkey sandwich.  He told himself tomorrow he would cook himself some food.  He'd learned a few recipes by heart when he was cooking with Justin that he thought he could make without difficulty.  

 

Tomorrow was Thursday, a week since the ‘incident' that threw his life into a tailspin.  While some people would say that wrapping his jeep around a tree and starting his sobriety journey would be a major change, he thought of his situation with Justin as much more of one. He'd never considered dating or being with one person for more than a quick fuck, however, he found himself contemplating just that situation.  While he would have thought that the idea would send him running towards the bars, the baths, or Babylon, he found his thoughts were filled with visions of outings with Gus and Justin, cooking dinners together, and watching old movies; in other words, domesticity Kinney style.  He could still do without the white picket fence and 2.4 children or whatever the statistic was at the moment.  The idea that he was even having these thoughts and contemplating another major change in his life was interesting to him.  

 

He finished his turkey sandwich and got out the journal from the bookshelf that he'd bought a few days ago after his discussion with Cleo.  Cleo suggested an actual journal, that way he could not delete whole passages, days, or even a few thoughts.  Sure he could tear out a page, but the actual physical act of deleting the written word was much harder than hitting a few keys on the keyboard.  Cleo explained that there was also a connection with pen and paper that research had vetted as being more impactful than composing on a computer.  Brian had decided to try Cleo's method as it did sound likely that he would be more tempted to write something on a computer and delete it than he would have to tear old whole pages of a journal.  He'd gone into a bookstore and bought a bound journal, delegating the journal to his thoughts.  He went to his desk, grabbed a pen, and started writing.

 

"Another first, I attended a school meeting for Gus. It seems that the girls are trying to wear me down by having me do every task that has to do with money and Gus.  I think they are hoping that they will show me how much time it takes to buy things for him and give them back that task.  They tell him to tell me when he needs socks, pocket change, and even when he needs some cold medicine for ‘just in case' because there is an outbreak of colds in his class.  They don't realize that they are giving me just as much fuel. By having me support him 100% the courts would likely give me custody of him if I pushed it.  When I talked to the lawyer a few weeks ago, he said that support, financial support, was a big factor in custody cases.  The girls have me take him every weekend, some holidays, and I get him full time a few weeks of the summer.  With this art program that I signed him up for, he'll need a ride home in the afternoon and a place to go.  I know they are going to balk at picking him up in the middle of the day.  I signed him up for it, so I'll figure it out.  Summer is a few months away and I'd love to have him here every day.  Maybe I'll go to a meeting in the afternoon, pick him up and then bring him to Kinnetic.  We have a daycare there.  He's a little old for daycare, but maybe I could put him in the art department and he could do some projects while I work.  Hmm, I'll have to look into that option.  Sure, I'm the boss, but I don't think it is right to expect my employees to watch my kid.  All in good time. 

 

I'm not sure what this journal is supposed to be about; Cleo said I should just get one and start writing down my thoughts.  I think it is supposed to let me work out things rather than just let the hamsters run amok up there.  

 

Anyway, it's been almost a week since this thing with Justin did or didn't happen.  I'm not sure how I want to classify it or if it is even a thing.  Well, it is a thing since he did kiss me and told me he wanted to wake up in my bed every day.  And then we talked and I kissed him back trying to tell him I had feelings too.  But then he said that he couldn't do this since he was my sponsor and I told him I didn't want another sponsor.  Fast forward, since I really don't imagine I'll be forgetting either of those talks anytime soon or if ever. After much thought and discussion, well not a lot of thought but a lot of discussions, I listened to everyone in my small circle and found a new sponsor.  Hence, why I'm sitting here at 10:00 o'clock at night writing in a fucking journal.  Well, actually, I do think the journal might be a good idea.  It's just the idea that I should do this every day.  Well, like Cleo says, there is no sponsor police, so if I miss a day or whatever, no one is going to slap my hand.  

 

I gave myself until tomorrow to decide what to do about Justin.  I told Ted that if he didn't reach out or come to a meeting by then, I would call him.  I have his number and I called him a lot in the last few months.  Would that feel different now?  I mean I rarely called him as a result of wanting to drink.  Maybe we were deluding ourselves that he was really my sponsor since I know that what Cleo is doing with me is really different from what Justin did with me.  Of course, it is all a big question and one that I don't think really has an answer as the answer is in the eye of the beholder.  I think, for the first time in my life I understand that term.  We all think we know what is happening in other people's lives, but the other person is really the only one experiencing it.  However, my interpretation of an event is based on my experience or how I perceive it and the same event is going to look different to everybody it touches.  So very interesting.  Justin would get a kick out of this discussion, what with all his PSA's.   

 

Writing about Justin makes me realize that I really do want to talk to him and spend time with him.  If he doesn't come to the meeting tomorrow, I'm going to call him.  And with that decision made, I think I'm going to watch a little tv and head to bed.  Hopefully, Cynthia will be back from whatever illness she had today and the place will run like it is supposed to.  Either way, I'm going to figure out a way to attend that meeting and call Justin."

 

Justin- Wednesday

 

Wednesday morning arrived and Justin woke with a smile on his face.  He'd dreamt about Brian and Gus and that made him happy.  He remembered learning in psychology class that a person's dreams are often a way that they work through their conflicts and problems.  It's a way for the brain to also rest from its constant barrage of information every day.  

 

With his decision to attend the regular meeting tonight made, he felt settled for the first time since he had kissed Brian.  It had almost been a week and this last week had been a difficult one for him.  The urge to drink had been pretty strong a few times, but luckily he had called Jeremy and worked through his thoughts and feelings. He was very proud of his ability to stay strong in this difficult time.  He remembered his early sobriety; the numerous calls to Jeremy to help him not take the first drink and the many pots of coffee they had shared at the various diners. He knew he had learned to associate sobriety with diners and maybe that was why he had chosen to go to them with Brian.  

 

After eating a leisurely breakfast, he opened the freezer and took out some chicken to defrost. It would take more than a day to defrost, but if he saw Brian tonight then he could invite him over tomorrow to cook.  He was thinking a few steps ahead, hopeful that Brian and he would be on the same page.  

 

He spent the day in his studio and was happy with the results of his creativity.  While he didn't finish any of the pieces, he had completed several preliminary drawings and started on one of the pieces.  He was excited to show his agent his new ideas and thought they might be the start of some of his best work to date. He'd set a timer so he could remember to stop in time for him to clean his brushes and get ready for the meeting. 

 

After his shower, he spent twenty minutes looking through his closet deciding what to wear.  He would put on a shirt, walk over to the mirror, look at himself facing the mirror and turn sideways so he could view his profile.  He did this at least four times before deciding on the first shirt that he'd picked out when he originally walked to the closet.  He laughed at his behavior, thinking he was like a teenager going on a first date and trying to impress his date.  This was as far as you could get for a date, but he still felt a little excitement at seeing Brian.  

 

When he arrived at the meeting, he looked around for Brian's car and was disappointed that he did not see it.  He looked at the dashboard of his car and saw that it was early.  He knew Brian often came much later to the meetings as he came from work, so he wasn't concerned. He walked in, went to the coffee table, and fixed the proverbial cup of coffee in the small styrofoam cup.  He hated to think how the environment was being poisoned by all that non-degradable material, but at the moment couldn't think of any other options.  He didn't think having everyone bring their own cup was realistic.  He thought about what an AA meeting would have looked like in the beginning and wondered if they had styrofoam cups back then.  Even if they did, they were probably super expensive.  Maybe they used the disposable paper ones, the ones like Starbucks used.  He laughed at himself, wondering how he had gone down that rabbit hole.  

 

He took his coffee and joined the few members sitting in the circle, glancing at the door, hoping Brian would come in at any time.  When it was time for the meeting to start, Brian still had not shown up.  Justin wanted to call him and find out if he was coming but did not do so.  He wanted to get up and leave the meeting since Brian had not shown up but knew that was not a good idea either.  Attendance at AA was not a criterion that he could judge for their relationship.  He had put so much faith into thinking Brian would show up that he hadn't thought about the possibility that he would not do so.  He wondered if he was staying sober and just attending different meetings so he could stay away from him.  Chastising himself for thinking so little of Brian's abilities to handle difficulties, he thought that his actions would not cause Brian to go on a bender.  He heard the speaker in the background and realized the meeting had started.  Chastising himself for the second time in less than five minutes, he refocused his mind on the meeting.  After all the times he had told Brian that he needed to not just physically be at the meeting, but that he also needed to be there mentally, he needed to take his own advice.  

 

Today's topic was about the twelfth tradition of anonymity. 

 

The speaker was a woman and she introduced herself.  "Hi, my name is Kayla and I've been sober for 5 years.  Today I want to talk about anonymity.  While AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, the group is actually far from anonymous. In the beginning, back in the 30's when AA first started, the people attending were professionals who needed and wanted to be anonymous.  People who drank excessively were thought to have poor moral character, not having a disease. Thankfully the medical community has come a long way since that time.  Anyway, professionals attending the meetings couldn't risk anyone knowing their names for fear of repercussions.  Did you know that in the beginning, people learned about AA from other participants?  There were no pamphlets, no billboards, and obviously no internet to spread the word.  Even treatment centers were far and few between.  Thankfully that has changed.  But anonymity is a difficult concept when AA is so widely publicized."

 

"Hi, my name is Terrence and I've been sober for 2 years. But we don't tell people our full names or what we do for a living."  He took a sip from his styrofoam cup, grimacing at the bitter taste. 

 

"True, but we are not anonymous.  We have sponsors, and seek out people to help us.  We give them information about ourselves; our phone numbers and sometimes they become part of our social group.  We meet up with them outside of the group and they become our close friends,"  Kayla pointed out.  She looked around the group, seeing the nodding heads of a few participants.

 

"So, are you saying that anonymity isn't real?  I'm not really following you," said the man sitting next to Kayla.  He scrunched up his mouth as he asked the question.

 

"No.  Anonymity is very real, just that we have to understand that anonymity is a personal decision, just like drinking is.  All I'm saying is that we all decide how anonymous we want to be.  Some of us choose to branch out and become friends with other group members.  Some of us choose to have a sponsor in one group but attend a different group on a regular basis.  Some choose to see and talk to a sponsor multiple times a day.  There is no real rule book, except that anonymity should be assumed unless otherwise discussed,"  Kayla said.  "I'd like to hear your thoughts,"  she said as she waved her hand in a circular manner, including the group in her statement.

 

"I'm Mikayla and I've been sober for three months.  I have a sponsor and I thank her every day for her help.  She and I have become friends and I rely on her a lot.  Would I have met her in other circumstances?  Probably not, but I feel comfortable telling her anything.  She's non-judgmental and super supportive.  I can see the two of us being friends for life."

 

"I'm Zayed and I've been sober for 18 months. When I was a boy growing up in Libya, alcohol was not easily available as it is illegal. When my family came to the US, I had easy access to alcohol and quickly developed my addiction.  I couldn't go to anyone in my family for help as it would have been considered a stain on the family.  The anonymity of AA has helped me gain and maintain sobriety. Being able to make friends and having a sponsor who understands my fight to drink is so important.  I can never talk about these things with anyone in my family or social circle.  It's like leading a double life, but one I'm willing to do."

 

"I had to make new friends when I became sober as all the people I hung out with were people that I drank with.  I didn't need to pretend or worry about anonymity with my new AA friends since they understood,"  Justin said, adding to the discussion and giving all of his attention to the meeting.   As frequently happened, the topic chosen for tonight was one he needed to hear at this point in his life.  "It would be hard to have friends that still drank if you didn't feel comfortable joining them.  However, if those friends did other stuff besides drink together, it might be okay," Justin said, thinking of Brian and his small group of friends/family.  

 

Brian had made it very clear that Emmett and Ted were people that he felt comfortable with and didn't feel the urge to drink when he was with them.  In fact, he'd chosen to introduce him to them, sort of breaking the anonymity tenet.  Justin realized that Brian acted as if they were friends, not just his sponsor.  By introducing him into his small circle at the dinner a few weeks ago, he was included in Brian's friendship circle.  While Emmett already had been introduced as a result of him watching Gus, Brian had not had to include him in the dinner invite.  He wondered why that thought had never occurred to him before tonight.  

 

"I'm Collin and I've been sober for over ten years.  We can debate anonymity and who should fall into which category, but really I think we are missing the mark.  AA is a support group that was designed to help all of us with this terrible, crippling, life-changing disease.  We all accept that we don't share personal information about any participant outside of the group.  But what happens outside of the group is each person's choice.  Of course, we all hope that drinking is not the person's choice and if they are struggling with that choice, they reach out to their sponsor or anyone else in attendance so that they can get the help they need.  

 

If I want to develop a group of friends that I met in AA and that fits my needs, then great.  If I want to return to my previous group of friends and only see folks from AA at meetings, then great.  Of course, with that option, I hope we are choosing to stay away from triggers that might result in us drinking.  Basically, sobriety is a personal journey. We have to choose every hour of every day not to take that first drink.  Having people who understand those struggles is paramount to my success and I would wager that most of us in this room feel the same way.  It's not like we put a check box next to each step and show it in the group.  ‘See, I completed the first step.'  We are not in school and this is real life.  As long as you don't go blabbing that you saw Collin at the meeting tonight and he said so and so, I'm good with that.  We need to be anonymous outside the group to others, but if we choose to move that anonymity outside of the group and become friends with people we meet here, then who am I to say that it isn't a good thing."  Collin looked around the group and saw that several of the members were nodding their agreement.  

 

"Yeah,"  Justin said, choosing to speak again.  "I guess it really does come down to what you are comfortable with and what you are looking for.  Having someone in your corner is critical to success."

 

Kayla looked at the clock on the wall opposite the coffee station and said, "This has been a great discussion and I hope that everyone gained something from it.  Stay sober and stay safe.  There is a contact sheet on the table if you need numbers for anyone in the group.  Anonymity is important and we all have to be aware that what is said in a group is anonymous.  Thank you for your time and we'll see you next week."

 

Justin stood up, saddened by the fact that Brian had not shown up, but happy that he'd come to the meeting.  He was glad that the topic tonight was anonymity.  Brian had chosen to break the anonymity and introduce him to his friends.  He knew this was happening and was okay with the introductions.  While he was no longer his sponsor, he decided that Brian's actions meant that he wanted Justin in his life.  He hoped that Brian had something to do tonight and would show up tomorrow.  If he didn't come tomorrow, he would reach out to him.  It would have been a week and he decided he was ready to see where their relationship could go.

 

Thursday - Justin

 

Justin had another productive day in the studio.  He'd called his agent and she'd shown up around 2:00. He'd shown her his latest sketches and the beginning of the first painting. She'd commented that she liked the concept and was excited about the new pieces.  She told him to tell her when he was finished with a few pieces so she could start looking at a show or a place to exhibit them.  After she left, he painted for a few hours and then got ready for the meeting.   Unlike yesterday, he did not spend twenty minutes picking out his clothing.  He wasn't sure that Brian would be there but hoped that he would be in attendance.  If not, after the meeting, Justin had decided that he would call him.  As Justin drove into the parking lot, Brian's car was not there and a feeling of disappointment ran through his body.  Today he didn't have the desire to turn around and leave, but he still had hope that Brian would show up.  Regardless, he knew he would reach out to him today if he did not come to the meeting.

 

Thursday - Brian

 

Thursday Brian woke up and was excited about the day.  He'd made up his mind that if Justin didn't show up at the AA meeting, he was going to call him.  He had a new sponsor and things were moving in the right direction.  He knew that Justin might still balk because he wasn't settled with his new sponsor, but he would push the other man to give it a try.  Besides, he was tired of putting off Gus every time he asked about Justin.  He went to work where thankfully Cynthia had returned from her absence the previous day.  His day was quiet and he left on time and went to the meeting where he spotted Justin's car in the lot.  He quickly locked his car and went inside, hoping to talk to him before the meeting started.

 

Brian and Justin

 

As usual, Justin was at the coffee station fixing himself a cup of coffee when Brian walked into the room.  Justin had been looking toward the entrance every few minutes to see if Brian entered the meeting and smiled when he saw the familiar man walk in. Brian spotted Justin and walked toward him.

 

"Hey,"  Brian said, although at least a dozen other things popped into his head that he wanted to add. 

 

"Hi.  The coffee here is not the greatest.  Want to grab a good cup after the meeting?" Justin asked in a casual way, wanting to move forward with their "new normal".  He wasn't sure if the offer of cooking dinner would be something that Brian would be interested in but hoped that it might come up in conversation. 

 

"Sure.  But I was kind of hoping that we could cook dinner instead.  I haven't had a good meal since I finished Emmett's leftovers from the weekend,"  Brian said, hoping that his tone was casual enough.  He felt the first of a few beads of sweat pool under his arm and his heart was beating so fast in his chest he felt that it might explode.  He briefly wondered if that was how teenagers felt when they had a first date.  

 

Justin was thrilled with Brian's suggestion, glad that they appeared on the same page. "Sure. I took out some chicken yesterday."  Justin commented, choosing not to explain his actions any further.  

 

"Chicken is good.  It's food and not a dry turkey sandwich,"  Brian said, sharing his recent food choices.  He knew Justin would understand the message behind it. Neither man acknowledged their ability to read between the lines of the other person.  Brian assumed Justin understood that he was missing the meals that they had been cooking together without saying as much.  

 

Justin smiled as he thought of the topic of yesterday's meeting.  He definitely had a friendship with Brian outside of AA.  He just hoped that perhaps now he could act on them without jeopardizing Brian's sobriety.  

 

Justin looked at Brian, seeing how he appeared in control.  He'd been worried about how Brian would handle his directive to find a new sponsor, but he seemed to be showing no outward signs of difficulty. "The meeting's going to start.  Shall we?"  Justin asked, sweeping his hand toward the small circle of chairs.  He was pleased to see how at ease he and Brian were with each other.  He had high hopes for their dinner.

 

Both men paid attention to the meeting and made comments on the topic.  The leader had chosen "hope" for the topic tonight. This was a topic that resonated with both men as they now had hope that even through difficult times, they were able to stay sober.  

 

After the meeting, they drove to Justin's apartment where Brian followed him into the building. Brian didn't think about how comfortable he was walking into Justin's apartment and how natural it felt to be cooking dinner together.

 

Justin walked to the kitchen, not waiting for Brian to follow.  His apartment wasn't that big and Brian had been there numerous times.  "The chicken's in the fridge.  It should be defrosted by now, but if not, run it under some water for a few minutes.  I'll get out the pan and the spices,"  Justin said, acting as if the week-long separation had not occurred.  Justin hadn't been sure Brian would accept his invitation or if he did how awkward their interactions would be.  He was pleased to see that at least on the surface, they were interacting as they had before Justin's confession. 

 

Brian washed his hands and got out the chicken which was defrosted.  He opened the package and waited for Justin to get out the pan and then placed the chicken inside.  The two men prepared the food and placed it in the oven like a well-oiled machine.  Only after the timer was set did Justin speak.

 

"I'm glad you were there tonight.  I was disappointed when you didn't show up yesterday. I had already decided if you didn't show up tonight, I was going to call you," Justin said as he filled the glass coffee pot with water to make them a pot.

 

Brian was surprised at Justin's confession, thinking he was the only one who had decided to call if the other person did not show up.  He was pleased that Justin appeared to have the same thoughts as he did.  "Oh, really?  I have missed a few days, but last night I was at a school meeting for Gus,"  Brian said as he proceeded to fill Justin in on his activities last night.

 

The two men moved to the living room and sat on the couch at opposite ends.  Justin's apartment wasn't very big, but he did have a nice couch and coffee table.    

 

"That's really cool.  I guess those visits to the art museums and his interest in photography have sparked a creative streak,"  Justin said, feeling proud that he had apparently influenced Gus.  Wanting something to do with his hands, he asked, " Want some water?  I could get us each a bottle?"

 

Brian said, "Sure."  He was happy to have something to hold in his hands.

 

"The biggest problem now is figuring out how to pick him up in the middle of the day.  Mel and Linds both work and they are sure to balk at the idea and are likely to tell him he can't go because he can't be picked up.  I've already been thinking of a solution,"  Brian said, explaining his concerns.  He felt perfectly comfortable with Justin and didn't really think about how much he'd changed in the last few months. Prior to his sobriety, he would have never discussed any problem with anyone but was now sharing this with Justin.

 

Justin turned back the conversation to Brian's earlier statement, needing assurance that Brian was okay.  "So, you've missed a few meetings....?"  Justin asked, worried, curious, and fearful of the answer.  Justin listened as the coffee brewed in the kitchen, the dripping noise a familiar sound.

 

"Yeah, but it's not like you think,"  Brian said, smiling at Justin.  He brought out his right hand and touched his thumb with the left index finger.  "On  Friday, I took Ted to an AA meeting in the afternoon." 

 

"You took Ted to a meeting?"  Justin repeated.  "I know we talked about having him be a part of a meeting with the three of us.  How did that go?"  He unscrewed the cap of his water bottle and took a drink, and then screwed the cap back on. 

 

"I really needed a meeting and didn't want to go by myself.  I wasn't sure if you'd be there and if you had been, I'm not sure I would have been comfortable staying.

 

"Oh?"  Justin said, choosing not to second guess Brian's thoughts.

 

"Well, you had kissed me and told me you wanted to wake up in my bed, and then you ran out of the store like there was a fucking fire.  My thoughts were all over the place.  I couldn't decide if I liked the idea or if I was screwed.  I'll tell you I had some pretty vivid dreams that night,"  Brian said, admitting to Justin some of the things that had happened that night.  When Justin had come over on Friday night, he had not shared any of that information with him as he was still trying to figure it all out, despite kissing Justin that night.  

 

He opened his own bottle of water and took a sip, and then placed it on a coaster on the coffee table in front of him.  He touched his forefinger on his right hand with his index finger from the left hand.   "On Saturday night, I couldn't face the meeting and I went to Ted's house and then afterward came back to eat with Gus. We had a little pow-wow and then they offered to come back to my house later so we could have a real meeting.  Sort of like what you and I did a few times before Emmett came into the picture." 

 

Justin did not comment on Brian's statement, choosing to let him explain.

 

He touched his middle finger. "On Sunday I went back to Ted and Blake's and had another meeting."

 

"So really, by Sunday, you hadn't really been to a regular meeting except on Friday afternoon and that was with Ted,"  Justin said, making sure he understood the timeline. He heard the clinking of the ice maker and a few ice cubes drop into the bin.  

 

"Yeah.  But I was still having my own version of a meeting.  I was still meeting with other people in recovery and talking about things I need to do to stay clean.  My new sponsor said that there isn't a certain number of meetings I should attend, but I need to figure it out for myself.  Over the weekend, what I did met my needs, but on Monday I felt I was ready to go to a regular meeting.  I can't really tell you what changed, except maybe by then I had really had time to think about what I wanted and to start to figure out what recovery might look like without you as my sponsor."

 

"Sounds like those hamsters were really busy over the weekend,' Justin said, referring to Brian's familiar thought process.

 

"You could definitely say that.  They were working overtime," Brian said.  He was enjoying his talk with Justin and realized how much he had missed talking to the man.    

 

He touched his ring finger.  "On Monday, I went to a totally new meeting and found a sponsor.  I still didn't want to go back to the meeting that we normally attended so I tried someplace new.  Blake, that's Ted's husband, offered to introduce me to some of the people in the meetings he runs through his work.  Remember, he works as an addiction counselor."

 

"That was nice of him to offer.  Just curious, why didn't you take him up on his offer?"  Justin had started relaxing as Brian reviewed all the things he had done to stay sober and safe over the weekend.  After listening to him, he felt that Brian knew how to be safe.

 

"Lots of reasons, but the whole anonymity thing is the biggest reason.  While I know his oath as a counselor would prevent him from sharing anything that I said in a meeting, I don't really want to have someone in my circle know that stuff."

 

Justin's mind went on alert and he looked at Brian with raised eyebrows.  Brian immediately understood the question.

 

"I know what you are thinking. If I'm uncomfortable with someone in my circle knowing my business, where does that leave us?  I think it's different for us.  I mean you were my sponsor and I told you all kinds of personal stuff.  You never judged me and even though you aren't my sponsor anymore, I still think we will talk about stuff.  You have always been there for me, just because you wanted to be.  Unlike a lot of "my family" where they were always wanting something from me, you just wanted to be my friend."

 

"Are you sure about this, Brian? The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable," Justin said.  He hoped that Brian had really thought of this hiccup as he didn't think he would want to make recovery a taboo subject between them.

 

"Yes, I'm sure.  I guess the big difference is that I only met you after I became sober, so you have no preconceived ideas about who I am.  It just felt that I wanted to do this without the tie to Ted.  Ted's great.  Don't get me wrong, but I didn't ask him to be my sponsor as I wanted to keep our friendship separate,"  Brian attempted to explain.

 

"Brian, listen to yourself.  On the one hand, you want to keep Ted separate from your recovery as he is your friend but you want me to keep involved in your recovery as I was your sponsor but am now your friend.  Are you really okay with moving forward with us?"  Justin hated to ask and push Brian but he was not going to jeopardize Brian's recovery with the cost of their friendship.

 

Brian took a deep breath and tried again.  "I'm not doing a good job of explaining. Let me try again. Blake has known me for several years and going to his group to find a sponsor felt wrong.  I didn't want to put him in an awkward place knowing things about me that he would not normally have known.  I also feel that if I had attended a group that he led, I would most likely not feel as comfortable talking and sharing and be on guard.  I know everything is anonymous but I would hate to be somewhere and he would ask about something, forgetting that I had spoken about it in group and not with "the family"."   Brian took a sip of water, providing some much-needed liquid, finding that his mouth was really dry. 

 

"Justin, we are friends and you've just met most of the people in my little circle.  I trust you to not bring up anything we talk about in a group or even things that the two of us talk about.  We don't have history and that is a good thing.  I'm glad that you did not know me before I stopped drinking.  Our friendship was born out of genuine caring where a lot of my "family" is put together by happenstance.  I don't feel that I have to hide or keep things away from you, for fear that you would judge me.  However, I think if I was in a group with Blake, I might want to hide some thoughts and feelings.  Does that explain it better?"  Brian took a deep breath, hoping that Justin was okay with his explanation.

 

"So, you're okay with me knowing things about you, but not some of your family?"

 

"Yeah.  You make it sound so easy.  But yes, I'm okay with you knowing about my drinking and shit.  You've become a good friend and I'm hoping a lot more than a friend.  But I don't have to tiptoe around you since you have the same T-shirt, " Brian said, looking at Justin for a sign that he understood Brian's explanation and was okay with it. 

 

Justin smiled at Brian and said, "I'm glad that you consider me a friend and are willing to explore where we might go.  And yes, I get where you're coming from.  Now that we have that long-involved discussion about why you didn't go to Blake's group over, tell me about the rest of your week.  Obviously, you went to a traditional meeting and found your new sponsor."

 


Brian smiled, relieved that he had dodged that land mine, and said, "His name is Cleo, by the way." He touched his pinky. "On Tuesday, I went to our regular meeting and then met Cleo at the diner where we had our first meeting alone." He touched his thumb again.   "And then last night, I went to Gus's shindig.  So yeah, I missed a few meetings, but except for last night, I worked the program in my own way."

 

Justin laughed, feeling the relief wash over him.  "I was so worried that I screwed things up and that... well .... I'm glad you found a new sponsor,"  Justin wanted to say more but decided he would say the bare minimum.  He'd been so worried that his actions would throw Brian too big a curve and he would contemplate drinking.  He was relieved to know his fears were unfounded.  It appeared that Brian was handling the changes well, but he was still a little leary of pushing him, unsure where he stood with him.

 

"Hey, I think the coffee might be ready.  Let's go see."  Justin walked into the kitchen and Brian followed him.  Justin got down two mugs and pulled the creamer out of the fridge, placing it on the counter.  Brian fixed his coffee as he wanted it and then returned to the living room.  Justin joined him a few moments later.  

 

"I'm fine, Justin.  I didn't go out and drink myself stupid.  I had Gus all weekend and I wouldn't do that to him.  He's really proud of my progress, even though he wasn't really aware of the depths of my addiction.  Speaking of Gus, he has asked about you.  He wanted to thank you for helping me build the bed and he asked Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night if you were going to join us."  Brian chose to share information about Gus missing him rather than how much he missed Justin's presence.   

 

Justin was happy that Brian was able to read between the lines and understand his concerns, even though he did not voice them.  It showed him how well the two of them knew each other and could fill in the blanks of their conversation.  Justin processed Brian's last statement and asked, "Monday?  Did you have him on Monday?"  

 

"No, I called him after my meeting.  That is where he mentioned the art thing.  I try to talk to him a few times during the week now,"  Brian said, explaining the phone call. 

 

"Oh. That's cool."  Justin sipped his coffee and enjoyed the taste for a few moments.  "Brian, we need to talk about the pink elephant in the room."

 

"I don't see any elephant.  And, honestly, I never drank enough to have hallucinations,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.

 

"Brian...."  Justin said, recognizing Brian's tactic, but refusing the bait.  "I'm glad you found a sponsor."

 

"Whatever.  He seems okay. Has me writing a journal.  Says it helps to write down the things the hamsters say so I can look back on my thoughts and progress,"  Brian said.

 

"That's a pretty good idea,"  Justin said and took another sip from his mug.  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment before continuing.  

 

"Brian.  I'm so happy that you are here.  I can't stop thinking about you."  Justin wanted to continue his litany of thoughts but decided to keep his thoughts brief in case Brian did not want to follow that path.

 

"So where do we go from here?"  Brian asked, wanting to hear what Justin's vision was for them.

 

"I think we owe it to ourselves to explore the possibilities. While you are still new to sobriety and this may not be the ideal time for us, I don't want to wait.  I know that I told you that you should find a sponsor and that this wasn't a good time, but after a lot of thinking, I've changed my mind.  I think we are good together and well, I want you in my life.  What do you think?"  Justin said, finally speaking the thoughts he'd been exploring this last week. 

 

"I thought you didn't want to go out with me.  You said we should be friends.  What changed your mind?"  Brian asked, fearful and excited at the same time.  

 

"Want and need are different.  I've been trying to push down my desire for you for several months, but the other day, those desires won.  Since that fateful night, I've allowed myself to own my thoughts and feelings.  I find that I think of you all the time.  I've come to need you in my life, whether as a friend or more, I need you there.  Tonight, we talked about hope and I have to hope that together we can continue to help each other lead amazing lives.  No, I can't be your sponsor, but I can be your friend and hopefully more,"  Justin explained, hoping Brian would not scoff at his confession and liken it to some Hallmark movie.

 

Brian was tired of talking.  Instead,  he got up from the couch and walked to where Justin was sitting in the chair.  He pulled him to a standing position and gently kissed him, licking Justin's lips as he asked for entry.  This time Justin opened his lips, accepting Brian's invitation.  They kissed for several minutes until the timer on the oven went off, signaling the chicken was done.  

 

"Saved by the bell," Brian teased.

 

"We should still go slow, Brian.  I want this to work and while I said that I dream of waking up to you every morning, I don't think we should just hop in bed.  Sex can really screw up things.  It can be an addiction by itself,"  Justin said as he walked toward the kitchen.

 

"We talked about that at a few meetings.  Actually, believe it or not, I don't think I'm ready for sex yet.  I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but if I've learned nothing else in AA, honesty with yourself is paramount to success.  So how do we do this? Do we go on dates?  If so, I have to warn you that I have never been on a date in my life.  Well, actually I did sort of go on one but ended up fucking the waiter and leaving the guy at the table. I kind of think we might be beyond that first date.  I already know I like you,"  Brian shared, wondering what he was getting himself into.

 

Justin took the chicken out of the oven and placed it on top of the stove.  He got out the thermometer and tested the meat to see if it was cooked.  He took out two plates and placed them next to the oven.  

 

"You know, I think we should just continue doing what we are doing now, except that we might not hold back on the kissing.  The dynamic of our relationship will change as we move further away from me being your sponsor.  We will take our relationship just like we take our sobriety:  one hour at a time, one day at a time, one month at a time.  I think we'll know when we should move to the next step.  Just like AA, there is no syllabus," Justin said as he placed the chicken on his plate.

 

"No syllabus.  Got it.  Well, let's see where this friendship, relationship leads us.  I look forward to the exploration."

 

The end

 

I have 3 chapters written continuing the story as Justin and Brian explore their relationship.  Please let me know if you are interested in reading the next step in their lives. 

 

Chapter End Notes:

comments please- let me know if you want the story to continue

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