Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Brian and Justin move forward

Justin

 

The sun peaked through the curtains waking Justin up from a restless sleep.  He'd come back to his apartment after meeting with Brian Friday night and had gone to bed as a result of having nothing better to do rather than because he was tired.  For the first time in a very long time, he really wanted to drown his feelings in a bottle.  He knew he would not and could not do so as that would have defeated everything he'd work so hard on for the past 18 months.  He remembered Jeremy's motto that he had to take one step at a time and one hour at a time and ultimately one day at a time.  He was the turtle and he would win the race by persistence, not by speed or cunning behavior. 

 

It was Saturday and for almost as long as he'd known Brian that meant a day spent with him and his son, Gus.  Today, he was on his own.  He hadn't had to think about how to spend his time on the weekends and it was ironic that the very thing that he had been trying to help Brian figure out was now the problem that he was faced with, what to do with his time.  The sun was out which meant that the light would be great in the studio, therefore he decided to paint.

 

He fixed a quick breakfast of eggs and bacon and then went upstairs to his studio. Turning on his music, he put on a heavy metal station from Amazon Music and let the deep bass and drums pass through him. He pulled out a blank canvas and stared at it for at least an hour, his mind twisting and turning while deciding what to paint. Finally, inspiration hit him and he squirted some red, orange and purple paint on his palette, starting his picture.  Taking the red paint, he made dark streaks across the canvas. Combining the red and orange together he laid additional streaks adjacent to the first ones and then repeated the action with the orange and purple.  He continued to paint for several hours, allowing his feelings to project on the canvas.  As each piece finished, he laid it against the wall, allowing it to dry.  He painted until the light waned in late afternoon, counting 3 finished canvases and two more in progress.  I guess having some free time can be a good thing as he looked at his day's work.  He wasn;t really moved by any of the pictures and wasn't sure they would sell, but at least he managed to occupy his day.  

 

He looked at the clock and realized it was close to 6:00, the time that they usually left for their Saturday night meeting.  He wondered what Gus and Emmett would be making for dinner and how Gus liked his new bed.  He had mixed feelings about the bed; sadness that he didn't keep his feelings in check and now was unsure about Brian and those feelings, moving forward to happiness that he helped make Gus a real bedroom with his mural, and assisting Brian to build the new bed.  Their talk last night had been good but time would tell if they could be anything to each other.  He hoped that one day Brian and he could be in a relationship together, but so many things had to be addressed before that could happen.  He smiled when he was reminded of his creed that there was not a syllabus to life.  He hoped they could be given the chance to navigate the issues together.  

 

He remembered the Cultural District stayed open to 8:00 on weekends and when there was a special event, it was open until 9:00.  He hadn't been able to attend on a weekend since he started being Brian's sponsor, but decided today was a good night to do so.  This was a great way to kill a few hours.  He returned to his apartment, showered, and got dressed for the event.  

 

The event was part of the downtown Pittsburgh art scene. Since he'd been teaching Gus about photography, he went to SPACE first.  This gallery often offered assistance to local artists to show their work.  He'd had a few pieces there and thought he remembered reading that there was a photography exhibit he wanted to view. He thought the museum might give him some ideas to share with Gus, even though he was unsure when he would see them again, but he was certain that he would see them again in the future.  He walked in and quickly became immersed in the experience.  enjoying each piece, taking the time to feel the artist's message.  As he was enjoying an unusual photo, a man came up to him.

 

"Great skill. Don't you think?  I really like that the museum was repurposed."  He said, waving his hand toward the space.

 

Justin was a little startled by the man but looked toward him seeing a man in his early 30's, deep green eyes with softly curling hair.  He wore a green pullover and black jeans.  He appeared fit and trim and had a great smile.  

 

"Repurposed?"  Justin asked, his curiosity piqued.

 

"Yeah.  It used to be a video porn store.  Now it holds art. Talk about repurposing.  My name is Brent, by the way," he said as he brought out his hand to introduce himself.

 

"Oh.  I didn't know that.  I do like the picture.  I especially like the artist's subject matter and the way he uses light and shadow,'  Justin said, giving his opinion.

 

"Are you an artist?  Is any of your work here?  I'd love to see it," Brent said, giving Justin a huge smile and waving his hand toward the other pieces.

 

"Yes. No. and Okay.  Yes, I'm an artist, but I typically paint.  I like to study other artists' work as it often inspires my creative muses.  No, none of my work is here, but I have displayed it here in the past.  There seems to be a lot of traffic for a Saturday night.  As for my work, I had a show just last week and the pieces are still there for another few weeks.  It's at the 707 Gallery.  They are open till 8:00 if you want to walk down there,"  Justin answered all the questions, and he was flattered.

 

"Okay.  Sounds good.  Maybe after we see the exhibit, we could grab a quick bite.  Do you like dancing?  We could hit Babylon later.  It doesn't start hopping till at least 11:00." Brent waved his hand toward the door, motioning that they should leave.

 

Justin felt his heart race and he started to sweat.  He didn't move toward the door and said,  "We could go to 707, but the other stuff.... I don't think that would be a good idea."

 

Brent said, "Well, another time perhaps.  Let's go see your work."  Brent started to walk toward the door, expecting Justin to follow.

 

Justin looked around the gallery for anyone he might recognize.  "Brent, I'm so sorry, but I see a guy that I've been trying to meet up with for the last few weeks.  I think you'll have to go to 707 by yourself,"  he said, hoping to get out of going to the gallery.  

 

Brent raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders.  "Pity.  I think we could have had a good time.  I guess I'll see you around."

 

Justin walked quickly away and made his way to the other end of the gallery, trying to lose himself in the crowd of people.  He found his heart rate had increased and he was feeling a little warm.  His first thought was he needed a drink, but his second thought was ‘What the fuck just happened?  He needed to leave, NOW.  

 

He walked out of the gallery, and made his way to the parking garage, and then drove home.  On his way home, he called Jeremy.

 

"Hi, Justin.  What's up? "

 

"I guess this week is my week to screw up.  I was just offered an opportunity to go grab a bite to eat and go to Babylon, that's a gay dance club in town.  I didn't go, but the thought of a drink right now is really strong and there are no meetings this late on a Saturday.  I think they should offer a meeting at 10:00 pm every Saturday for those of us who can't make it through a Saturday night without booze."  Justin said as he pulled into the parking lot of his building.  "Hold on, I'm getting out of the car and don't want to have everyone in the lobby hearing my conversation.  Let me call you back."  Justin disconnected the call, got out of his car, and quickly made it back to his apartment.  His breathing was a little fast and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest.  Was this what flight or fight meant?  He sat down on his couch and called Jeremy back.

 

"Sorry about that man.  I was just really needing someone to talk to on the drive home."

 

"No worries.  From your brief description, a guy just tried to pick you up. Right?"

 

"I guess.  Well, yeah.  It was fine when he just asked to see my work.  We were going to go down to the 707, it's the gallery where my last show was and my art is still there for a few more weeks. But then he asked about grabbing something to eat and going dancing.  I literally freaked out, told him I saw somebody who I'd been trying to talk to and walked quickly into the crowd of people at the other end of the gallery."

 

"Okay.  You freaked out, but that still doesn't tell me about your thoughts about drinking."  Jeremy reminded him what the purpose of their call was.

 

"This was the first weekend I haven't spent with Brian and Gus.  I was having a little pity party this morning, not sure what to do with myself, and then decided to paint.  After I painted all day, I just really wanted to find the nearest watering hole and disappear.  I managed to talk myself out of that one, but then I go to a gallery and get hit on."  Justin was repeating himself.  Jeremy recognized Justin's defense mechanisms from their long connection, so knew Justin would eventually talk about his true feelings.  "Oh shit.  Was I sending out vibes that I wanted to hook up?  Since I couldn't have Brian or at least not right now,  could I have been unconsciously cruising guys?"  

 

Jeremy asked, "Okay.  If you were cruising guys, is that a reason to drink?"  Jeremy was pleased that Justin was starting to make some connections to his thoughts and behavior.

 

"No.  The two aren't connected, but I think I was maybe trying to work through this thing with Brian.  Sort of if I can't have Brian, I'll have someone else.  But I don't want just someone.  I want to see if this thing can be worked out.  The thought of drinking shouldn't have come into play.  So why did it?"   Justin asked, trying to figure out where his mind had gone.  He'd done so well in the last 18 months, but it appeared he had forgotten some of the basics.

 

"Justin, what do you do when you are stressed?"

 

Justin thought for a moment before answering.  "Damn.  I want to drink.   I guess this thing with Brian is really stressing me out."

 

"It's possible.  So what are you going to do about it?  What is your plan?"

 

"I go to meetings.  I call you.  I manage my stress by meditating, reading, and remembering what my life was like when I was drinking. I also journal about my thoughts; that helps me identify what I'm really thinking and address any thoughts that are in my subconscious,"  Justin said, listing out the tools he used to remain sober.

 

"And how many of those are you currently practicing?"  Jeremy asked, pushing Justin to do what he knew he needed to do.

 

"Zero.  Well, not zero. Not really.  I haven't been to a meeting in a few days.  I have called you, but I haven't done the other stuff.  I guess there really is a reason we come up with a plan,"  Justin said, feeling a little of the tension in his neck relax.  "When I get off the phone, I'm getting out my journal and I will go to a meeting tomorrow.  I'm not ready to hit the meeting that Brian and I go to, but I'll find another one, maybe even two, and go."

 

"Good.  I'm here if you need me, Justin.  Just remember that you have all the power."  Jeremy said, glad that he could help.  

 

"Night, Jeremy.  And thanks,"  Justin hung up the phone and found his journal.  He sat at the kitchen table and wrote for an hour. He found writing down his thoughts very helpful in working through his feelings.

 

Sunday came and he was faced with the same conundrum that he faced yesterday.  What the fuck should he do with his day? Since Sundays were typically not spent with Gus and Brian as he usually had errands to run and things to do, he only needed to change a small part of his routine. However, he knew part of that answer.  The first and most important thing he needed to do was to attend a meeting.  He got online and looked at the times and places of meetings for Sundays and found one that was close to him and started at noon.  

 

 He knew he needed to come up with a new routine, just like he'd been telling Brian for the last few months.  One day at a time, one hour at a time, he'd need to make his life into something that gave him happiness and was fulfilling.  Fulfilling was actually spending time with Brian and Brian and Gus, so he thought that was what his endgame would be.  But right now, he needed to figure out his life as he had let his sponsorship of Brian become all-encompassing.  He needed to develop a picture of Justin, not Justin as his connection to Brian.  That didn't mean that one day they couldn't be intertwined again, but for now, they needed to be separate and work their way back together.  

 

He'd attended the meeting, ran his errands, and even managed to check in with his mother.  Sunday night, he called Molly and then went to dinner, a rare occurrence, but one he thoroughly enjoyed. 

 

****************************************************************************************************

 

Brian - Saturday night

 

Brian and Gus ate dinner and Gus got out the Xbox so they could play Plants vs Zombies:  Battle for Neighborville.  Gus liked to play the single-player version at home but he really enjoyed spending time with his father playing the multiplayer option. He loved the shooting sequences as well as the strategy portion for the campaigns.  

 

"Did you play video games when you were a kid, Dad?" Gus asked as they finished a battle. 

 

"Not really.  My parents didn't spend money on stuff like that and if Grandma Debbie could have afforded it, I'm sure Uncle Michael and I would have spent hours playing.  I only played a few times.  I learned to play games at the arcade, but since those cost money for each game, I didn't do it very often," Brian said as he thought about his childhood.  There weren't many memories of playing, but many more memories of trying to stay out of his father's path and escaping to Micheel's as often as possible.  

 

"Your parents didn't buy you toys?  That sucks,"  Gus said as he felt sad for his father.  He reached out to give his father a hug, giving comfort in the only way he knew how.

 

"That was a long time ago, Sonny boy. Don't worry about it.  I get to play now with you,"  Brian played his childhood down as it was a topic he didn't like to dwell on.  He remembered telling Justin about some of the shit that happened when he was a kid, but those thoughts made him sad, thinking of his messed-up situation with the man.

 

"I'm glad that you and I can play now.  It's so much fun.  Tommy's dad plays Xbox with him too.  Speaking of Tommy, can he come over next weekend to see my new bed?  You said I could invite my friends when everything was finished.  I should have gotten a bunk bed and then my friends could sleepover. That would be awesome."  Gus said, thinking of a fun night playing video games and sleeping in their own space. 

 

"Woah, there, Sonny Boy.  There is only room for one kid in this loft and that is you.  There will be no sleepovers.  If you want to invite your friends to see your bed, go for it, but I can only handle one kid and that's you,'  Brian said, visions of rowdy 10-year-olds running amok in his loft with their dirty hands and smelly socks. ‘Nope. That was not going to happen.'

 

"Can I call him now and see if he can come by tomorrow.  We don't have anything planned?"  Gus asked eagerly, pulling out the phone that Brian had given him.  When he was with Brian, he was allowed to carry his phone since he never knew what objects he would find interesting enough to photograph.  

 

"Sure.  I guess you could see if he wanted to come about 3:00.  That way you would have a few hours and then I could take you to Debbie's."  Brian said as he calculated how long it would take for the two of them to view the bed and hang out.

 

"Great," Gus said as he scrolled down the few contacts he had in his phone.  He called his friend and they set up a visit for the following day.  "Thanks, Dad.  He said he can't wait to see it, especially since I've been talking about the bed and the mural Justin made.  Speaking of Justin, did you tell him to thank you for the bed?  I hope he can hang out with us next week.  I bet he would have liked the zoo.  I can't wait to show him the pictures I took of some of the animals.  The sea lions were really funny."  

 

Brian inwardly cringed, not sure what he should or shouldn't say.  ‘Oh, by the way,  Justin kissed me and he stopped being my sponsor.  But - well you see he's still my friend and we are going to see if we can eventually be more than that.  Shit.  I have fucking no idea what to say to Gus, or even if I should say anything.'

 

"No, I didn't see him.  He wasn't at the meeting, but I'll be sure to thank him when I do see him.  But, Sonny Boy, it's time you got ready for bed.  While your mothers haven't given me any more grief about having you come every weekend, the minute you start coming home exhausted or with hours of homework, I'm sure that would change. So, off to bed.  I'll come to say goodnight in a few minutes,"  Brian said as he looked at the clock, thinking that Ted would be arriving soon.  He really wanted Gus to be asleep when he got there, avoiding him hearing any of their conversations. 

 

"Okay, Dad.  Thanks for letting me invite Tommy over.  Have you got to work tomorrow morning or can we do something?"  Gus asked, hopeful that there would be some fun activities.  

 

"I was thinking we could go to the diner and eat a late breakfast and then maybe walk around so you could take some pictures.  Afterward, we could download your pictures and we could play with the new program I put on the computer that manipulates the pictures,"  Brian said, having forgotten about the new program he'd purchased.  Since Gus had gotten really involved with his photography, Brian thought he'd help him along.

 

"Oh, that sounds cool.  Maybe we can do a few pictures before Tommy gets here and I can show him, too,"  Gus said as he stifled a yawn.

 

"If you don't get to sleep soon, you'll be sleeping standing up.  Go, get ready for bed,"  Brian said, laughing at his son.

 

"Okay.  Okay.  You're the best, Dad,"  Gus said as he hugged his father and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed.  Shortly afterward, he called out that he was ready for Brian.  Brian went into the room and kissed his son goodnight.  "Love you, Sonny Boy."

 

Brian closed the door to Gus' bedroom and sat down on the couch.  He let his mind wander for the first time in a few hours and found it was a little more settled after his talk with Ted.  Talking with Ted had given him a little more insight into Justin's words; he hadn't said they had to break all ties, just that their relationship needed to change.  While Brian was thinking that he wanted that change, he hadn't really thought about what that change would look like.  How often would he see Justin?  How often would he see his sponsor?  How would he open up to his sponsor?  What the hell did support mean with a new sponsor?  How would everyone see Justin if he was not his sponsor?  My hamsters were going to have a field day trying to figure out all those answers.  

 

The buzzer rang and he went to the intercom.  "Yes," he said, hoping maybe it was Justin, changing his mind and coming to visit, but he knew that was highly unlikely. 

 

"Bri.  Buzz us up.  Blake is joining us," Ted said into the intercom.

 

Brian buzzed them up, opened the door, and waited until the elevator came up to his floor.  As they disembarked, he waved them inside.  "I put a pot of coffee on, decaf," he said as he motioned for them to sit on the couch. Blake and Ted sat on the couch while Brian took the chair.

 

Blake looked around the loft. He hadn't been able to make the family dinner and didn't often go to Brian's home.  "I don't recognize the painting.  Is it new?  I love the colors.  It really adds something to the room, makes it come alive." 

 

"It's new.  Actually, Justin painted it.  He's an artist.  He invited me to one of his shows after I made a comment that I wanted a piece for my wall. I like it too,"  Brian said, thinking that he would let Justin know that Blake liked his painting.  Then he realized that he was unsure when he would see Justin again and a solemn look filled his face.

 

"I see,  You guys really did a lot of things together.  I think I remember Gus saying that he had gone with you guys to an art museum and some bicycle museum too," Ted said, recalling a few conversations from family dinner night at Debbie's.  

 

Brian heard the usual noises from the kitchen: the hum of the fridge and clink from the ice maker as a row of ice plopped into the bin.  It had been long enough since he put the coffee on that it should be finished brewing.  

 

Brian said, "I think the coffee is ready.  I'm going to grab a mug.  Can I get you guys anything?"  Brian walked to the kitchen area and was followed by both Ted and Blake.  He didn't offer to make them their coffee as he had no idea how either of them liked their drink.  The three of them prepared their coffee and then returned to the living room.

 

Brian went to check on Gus and stood outside his door, listening to the gentle heavy breathing that he was accustomed to.  Evidently, Gus had inherited Brian's slight deviated septum.  When he heard the familiar noise, he nodded and returned to his chair.

 

"Gus is asleep.  He's a pretty heavy sleeper but I would appreciate it if we kept the volume down.  There are things that he doesn't need to hear,"  Brian said, knowing his friends would understand the request without more explanation.  

 

Brian said, "Where were we?  Oh yeah, you asked about the museums and Justin."

 

Ted nodded his agreement and Brian answered his question. "When I first got sober, I told him I had no idea what I liked doing since I'd been drinking since I was a teenager.  When I wasn't drinking, I was working or tricking and that suited me fine.  Since tricking often involved drinking or at least going to Woody's, I was at a loss for what to do with my free time. Since I now have Gus every weekend, it was a perfect solution.  The three of us would start to explore Pittsburgh and hopefully, I would find things that I liked and wanted to move forward with."  Brian said, explaining to Ted how he and Justin got so enmeshed.  He wanted to exonerate Justin for his part in Brian's situation.

 

Ted did not really have an agenda for his impromptu meeting but had felt strongly that Brian needed to have support tonight.  Since the topic of Justin came up, Ted was willing to help Brian explore this area with him.  

 

"After all this exploration with Justin, did you learn anything?  I mean, did it help find you some hobbies?"  Blake asked.

 

"Sort of.  I find that I like spending time with my son and seeing the wonder in his eyes as he experiences new things.  For me, well, I find that I actually like exploring the city and that there is a whole Pittsburgh to learn about that has nothing to do with Woody's. Babylon, or sex."  Brian said, realizing he really hadn't answered the question.

 

"Don't push yourself, Brian.  You've had a lifetime of drinking and only 6 months of sobriety.  You can't expect to change your life overnight," Blake said.  "I didn't know I liked opera until I met Ted.  He introduced me to it and I love it.  You can't push sobriety nor can you push hobbies. That's why parents often sign their kids up for a bunch of different sports and activities, hoping that they will find something they really like."

 

"Ah, so I have the warden to thank for not having any hobbies or interests since my main interest as a kid was to stay as far away from my abusive father and drunk mother as possible.  The notion that they should have encouraged any hobbies or interests never occurred to them.  They were more worried about what the neighbors thought or in my mother's eyes, what the church thought,"  Brian said, his tone of flippant sarcasm and anger acknowledging his abuse even to the most casual observer.  

 

"So your mom was an alcoholic?" Blake asked, hearing this information for the first time and seeing a bigger picture of Brian's history. 

 

"Yep, and so was my old man.  The family legacy runs through my veins.  There's a reason I didn't want to be a father.  I didn't want to be like my old man,"  Brian wasn't sure why he was opening up to Blake and Ted about his childhood and his alcoholic parents but it seemed to be the right time. 

 

"I'm sorry you had to go through that,"  Blake said, truly sorry for Brian's obvious pain.

 

"Sorry's bullshit.  It doesn't change what happened.  Until I wrapped my car around a tree, I don't really think I thought much about it.  I wanted a different life for Gus.  I didn't want him growing up with an alcoholic father and I saw I was well on my way to being my father, minus the using his son as a punching bag."  Brian was proud of his progress and waited for praise from Ted and Blake.

 

"I'm glad you saw the path you were heading down was not a good one.  You should be proud of the changes you've made.  What are your plans for your sobriety?"  Blake asked, wanting to steer the conversation towards the 12 steps.

 

"Plans?  I plan on continuing my sobriety if that is what you are asking me,"  Brian said, not really clear on where Blake's question was coming from.

 

"Okay, let me ask it in a different way.  Where are you in the 12 step program?  The 12 steps are a blueprint for sobriety and if you work the program, they help ground you,"  Blake explained.

 

"Oh. I don't exactly have a step number.  Justin always said that there was no syllabus, no check box that I could look to, and say, okay I did this and I can move on.  He said that you are always going back and reviewing the steps and maybe the 2nd time or 3rd time you make more connections.  So I would say that I definitely realized that sobriety was not something I could do on my own and I've made a conscious effort to acknowledge the wrongs I did and to make amends.  I'm still working on figuring out who I am and admitting my faults."

 

"Alright, fair enough.  I agree with your assessment as you were pretty quick to tell me that sorry is bullshit.  Let's talk about being wrong.  I often talk about that topic in groups that I lead,"  Blake said after taking a drink from his mug.

 

"You said that saying ‘sorry' is bullshit.  But we all make mistakes that we wished we hadn't made.  If you don't admit you are wrong or did something you wished you hadn't, you're giving a message that your actions don't matter.  All behavior is motivated.  All of us do things we want to do at that moment.  If you choose to drink, then at that moment, the reward for drinking is higher than the reward for not drinking,"  Blake stopped talking, letting his message sink in.  

 

Ted looked at his partner and smiled.  He was so proud of Blake and his skills as a drug and alcohol counselor and his willingness to come over to Brian's to help their friend made him really proud.  "You are the CEO of a boutique Ad agency and every decision you make is based on what the client wants and how it will impact Kinnetik.  You go after companies that you feel will benefit from your brand of advertising and will make money for Kinnetik.  You are motivated by growing Kinnetic, both financially and by its reputation.  But sometimes you make a decision that isn't right.  You go with a campaign idea that the customer doesn't want or you hire someone who doesn't fit in with the culture.  While you may not say the words out loud, I know you still feel remorse,"  Ted said, trying to connect Brian's professional world to his personal one.

 

"But that is different.  It's business,"  Brian said, defending his actions.

 

"No, not really, Brian.  I'm sure you have spent time reviewing campaigns that didn't work out or wondering why you hired someone in the first place.  You might not say you are sorry out loud, but you do have regrets.  And when it comes to your personal life, you have already said you have regrets regarding Gus.  Being wrong is part of life and you have to give yourself permission to admit that you are not always right,"  Blake said, trying to tie the ideas together.  

 

"But what does that have to do with sobriety? It sounds like a fucking Hallmark movie.  I'm wrong, please forgive me, and let's be happy forever,"  Brian asked, still not seeing the connection to sobriety.

 

"Owning up to our faults, the things that we regret or bad decisions we made, gives us permission to feel.  Many of us drown our feelings in a bottle, fearful of letting our mistakes come to the surface.  If we don't admit that we did anything wrong, it gives us permission to drink because we like the taste or we want to go out with friends, instead of admitting that we are drinking because we screwed up,"'  Blake explained.

 

"So.....being wrong or saying you're sorry is really about not drowning my feelings and mistakes in a bottle?"  Brian asked, finding the idea interesting.

 

"Right.  We have to learn that we can handle disappointment, doing stupid things, making mistakes with friends and family, and generally screwing up in life without resorting to the bottle. Sobriety is about living your best life and accepting that sometimes we make mistakes.  And that making a mistake is not a reason to grab a drink," Ted said, wanting to contribute to the meeting.

 

Blake stifled a yawn and Brian realized he was tired as well. " I see the connection between the two.  I guess that is something me and my hamsters will have to add to the list,'  Brian said, joking about his thinking habits since he became sober.

 

"Your hamsters?  I didn't know you had hamsters.  It seems a little out of character for you since they are so messy.  Where do you keep them?"  Ted asked, glancing around the loft for the small rodents.

 

"No,"  Brian scrunched his face in distaste.  " I do not mean actual hamsters.  They are smelly, disgusting animals, and they would never grace my doorstep.  Hamsters have a habit of turning, running on a wheel, going nowhere.  I refer to my thoughts as hamsters.  Oftentimes when I go to a meeting or talk with Justin afterward, I have a lot of thoughts about the conversations.  I think about sobriety and how it impacts me and my life a lot and I refer to those thoughts as hamsters.  Sometimes, my mind is overwhelmed with all the possibilities that I feel like I'm bombarded by different outcomes."  Brian looked at Blake and Ted as he explained his thinking and watched them both nod in understanding.

 

"Gottcha.  That makes sense.  That sounds like you are really working the program and have thought a lot about the process.  That makes me feel very hopeful about your progress,"  Blake said, commending Brian on his work.  

 

"I don't do things halfway.  When I decide to do something, it is all or nothing. Right Ted?"  Brian said, looking at his CFO for confirmation of his business practices.

 

"Brian is fastidious about research and exploring all the options before he makes a decision.  He is pretty meticulous,"  Ted said, boasting about his boss' business acumen.  

 

"Interesting.  Very fastidious and disciplined in business.  I imagine that would result in great success.  But, you chose to let your discipline relax in your personal life and that is why drinking and tricking were such a big part of it.  It appears that you couldn't be on all day, so you chose those ways to relax.  How do you relax now, Brian?  I mean you aren't drinking and it sounds like you aren't tricking either.  That must have been a big change in your life,"  Blake asked, wondering if Brian had found a good substitute rather than replacing one addiction with another one.  

 

"I read, mostly the Big Book, but sometimes magazines about Advertising.  I hang out with Gus and Justin.  I go to meetings.  I sometimes watch old movies."

 

"So a lot of your time was spent with Justin; going to meetings, eating dinner afterward, cooking, and on the weekends, when Gus was around?"  Blake asked, trying to clarify in his mind Brian's connection with his sponsor.  

 

"I guess, when you put it that way, I would have to say, yes.  But he is my sponsor, was my sponsor.  He wanted to be sure that I had support and he offered to show me Pittsburgh and help me find some new interests,"  Brain said, justifying his interactions and involvement with Justin.

 

"I'm not here to judge you, Brian.  This is a support group.  I'm just looking at it from an outside perspective.  I don't think you spending time with Justin is either good or bad, but I would encourage you to find a new sponsor, one that you can call when you are struggling with issues,"  Blake said, putting on his counselor hat without hesitation.  He didn't want to be pushing Brian and while this was supposed to be an AA meeting, he felt in the intimate setting at Brian's home, he was okay with using some of his skills.  If Brian got angry or was unhappy with the outcome, that would be unfortunate, but ethically he would feel responsible if he didn't comment on his observations.

 

"Question for you Brian, if you were tempted to drink or found yourself in a position where you had already drunk, would you feel comfortable calling Justin?  Would you feel comfortable reaching out to him for support?  If you drank or even thought about it, would calling Justin for support be something you would do, or do you think you would hesitate because Justin would be disappointed in you?  If the answer is the latter, then you owe it to yourself to find a new sponsor.  A person in recovery can't be thinking that their sponsor is anything but a lifeline.  If you hesitate to call that person for fear of what they will think of you, then that person is not a good fit for your sponsor."  

 

Brian listened and thought about what Ted, Blake, and Justin had all said about finding a new sponsor. "I guess the people who have been doing this for longer than I are all in agreement.  I should find a new sponsor.  My sobriety is important to me and so is Justin."  He stopped when he said that Justin was important to him, surprised by his own admission.  "I can't believe I just said that.... I mean about Justin, but it's true.  In the last few days,,. I've realized that he is important.  Surprised the shit out of me."  Brian said, tongue in cheek with a grin on his face.  

 

"I think on that note, I better let you guys go.  Thanks for coming over.  It means a lot," Brian said as he finished his coffee.  "I'm sure you have better things to do than to hang out with me."  He reached for their empty mugs and took them into the kitchen, placing them in the dishwasher.  He returned to the living room.  "Thanks, guys.  Hopefully, I'll find a new sponsor in the next few days and then I can figure out what I want to do with Justin."  He walked to the door and slid it open.  "I guess I'll hit a meeting Sunday afternoon after I drop Gus off."

 

"Sounds like a plan.  I'll check in with you tomorrow night,"  Ted said as he reached out to shake Brian's hand.  

 

Brian shook hands with him and Blake and then let the men leave, closed the door, and set the alarm.  

 

Sunday was spent as Brian had proposed; Gus taking pictures at the park and then he and Brian spent some time with the computer program editing and changing the pictures.  Gus' friend Tommy came over and was very jealous of the bed. They played and talked for about an hour and then Brian took Tommy home and Gus to Debbie's. 

 

As he left Debbie's he had about half an hour until the meeting started and drove there, hoping that Justin would be there.  When he pulled up to the parking lot, he looked for Justin's car, but it was not there.  He was tempted to forego the meeting, but he remembered Blake's talk from the night before.  He knew he would be mad at himself not attending just because Justin wasn't there. There had been other times that Justin wasn't in attendance, but of course, he knew ahead of time that he would be attending alone.  He convinced himself that tonight was no different than any of those times and he walked in.

 

Brian had a little difficulty listening and paying attention and was angry at himself for his inattention, especially after telling Ted about his ability to put himself in "AA mode".  Eventually, he was able to focus and listen as the participants talked about hope.  He realized that he had hope in his life for the first time.  He had hope regarding his relationship with Gus, hope that he could remain sober, and finally hope that maybe he was ready for Justin.  He did not want to put a label on their relationship, just a hope that he could have him in his life in some capacity.

 

After the meeting, he went home, heated up the leftovers from Saturday night, and watched a James Dean movie. Afterward, he called Blake.

 

"Blake.  What time is your meeting tomorrow?" Brian asked, without adding any chit-chat.

 

"Hi, Brian.  Do you need a meeting tonight?  Ted and I can come over and have a meeting if you need it,"  Blake offered, acknowledging that Brian was probably struggling.

 

"No, I'm good.  I went to my meeting when I dropped Gus off.  I'm just taking your advice and seeing if one of your participants would work for my sponsor."

 

"Great.  Well.... I have meetings every day.  My Monday meeting is at 5:30 and my Tuesday meeting is at 10:00 am.  Wednesday and Thursday I don't run any meetings, but the center where I work has two meetings a day; one at 12:00 and the other at 6:30.  On Friday, I run a meeting at noon for newcomers, but anyone can attend.  It's a great place to share your thoughts and stories. A traditions or step meeting might be a good to place to help you explore AA foundations.  Regardless of the meeting, you can raise your hand and get phone numbers and contacts for the regulars.  If you hear someone at the meeting that you think would fit your needs, you can contact them."

 

"Are all the meetings at the treatment center?" Brian asked, trying to remember where the center was located and how far it was from Kinnetic.

 

"Yes.  But many of the participants did not go there for treatment.  In fact, we encourage people to explore all the possibilities for AA attendance. Do any of those times work for you?"  Blake asked, pleased to see that Brian was taking him up on the offer of attending a meeting and finding a new sponsor.

 

"5:30 is a little early, but I guess I can work with that time.  I could go to my regular Monday group and get the list.  I found Justin at a different group, so I could do that,"  Brian said as he had forgotten about the lists of AA meetings that are offered.  

 

"Brian, there is no right or wrong way to do this.  The only thing that is important is that you find a new sponsor.  And... I really want to caution you to find someone with who you are not going to want to have sex with or start a relationship,'  Blake said, adding the caution, even though he knew Brian knew this was the case.

 

"Okay.  I'll think about what I want to do.  I may show up or not," Brian said, having written the times down on a piece of paper.  

 

"There is no pressure, Brian.  There is no sobriety police.  Unfortunately, ultimately the decision to drink is a personal one that we make daily and sometimes hourly," Blake said.  

 

"I know and I'm committed to that decision to stay sober. Have a good evening."  Brian hung up the phone and looked at the times for the meetings, trying to remember the makeup of the Monday night group that they attended.  

 

It was early and Brian remembered the conversation from yesterday where Blake asked him what he did with his free time.  Prior to AA, he might have gone down to Woody's to shoot some pool and eventually end up at Babylon, but as much as he's changed, he wasn't ready for either of those yet.  He sat on the couch and found an old movie on the AMC channel and sat down to watch it. 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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