Brian and Gus spent the day together on Sunday, hanging out, watching tv, and playing video games.  Brian was not used to having every minute of his day planned on the weekends and didn't realize how taxing all of their outings were.  He enjoyed the time  he spent with Gus, but realized he also relished his time without any specific activity on the agenda.  Gus didn't seem to mind that they did not go anywhere.

It was close to 5:00 and they had just finished playing "Super Mario 3 D Allstars". 

"Gus, we need to gather your stuff to take home.  You can keep all the clothes we bought here.  No need for you to cart them back and forth.  Get your homework, your backpack and your lunch box so we can head towards Debbie's," Brian said as he walked toward the bedroom.  He pulled out a black casual button down shirt, but didn't change his jeans, returning to the living room where Gus was gathering the items.

Gus said, "Dad, are you ever going to come back to Sunday Dinner?  It was weird not having you there last week." 

"Maybe," Brian said, surprised by the question.  "I like going to my Sunday AA meeting in the evening.  That way I can spend all day with you," Brian did not mention the difficulties with Gus' mothers. 

"Okay.  It is really cool that we get to spend all weekend together."  Gus looked around the loft to be sure he had not left any of his things.  Last week he had almost forgotten a homework assignment, but found it on the computer desk in his last look around the loft.  "Dad,  I don't want to go home on Friday nights.  I guess we could ask Auntie Em to come over and cook with me while you went to a meeting," Gus said. 

"Well, that's good, but I still have to see if Emmett would be open to doing that," Brian said, realizing that he should have asked Emmett before volunteering his services on an on-going basis.

"I could ask him at Sunday dinner," Gus said, excited at the idea of cooking with Emmett.

"Let me ask him, Gus.  I know you're excited about cooking with Emmett, but asking him at Sunday dinner might not go over really well.  Your moms are still pretty mad at me.  If they heard that you were hanging out with Emmett instead of me, they might tell you that I shouldn't be picking you on Fridays," Brian explained.  He hated having to tell Gus about the games that Lindsay and Melanie would probably play, but he felt Gus was old enough to understand that it was still a delicate situation.  

"Okay," Gus said, hanging his head a little.  "I guess you better take me to Grandma Debbie's."

Brian and Gus drove to Debbie's, not talking during the short drive.  When they arrived, Brian said, "I'll talk to Emmett tomorrow.  We'll figure something out.  If he can't do it, then I guess we'll have to see if Justin can keep coming over."  He reached out to give Gus a hug.  "I'll talk to you on Wednesday after school.  Hopefully, I'll have an answer for you by then."

Brian drove to the meeting, realizing he was looking forward to talking to Justin about his day.  When he arrived, he sought out the familiar blond head and made a beeline toward the familiar coffee table.

"Hey," Brian said as he stood next to Justin.

Recognizing the familiar voice, he turned around and smiled at Brian.  "Hi.  Did you and Gus have a good day?"

"Yeah.  Although without our tour guide, we were relegated to hanging out in the loft.  He did some homework while I worked a little; had to catch up from the shitshow on Friday,"  Brian said, reviewing his unexciting day.  "Gus decided that he would like to cook with Emmett while I went to a meeting, but he said he wanted to spend the night and not go home.  He was concerned that his moms might give him a hard time about spending the rest of the weekend with me."  Brian didn't make himself any coffee, but picked up a bottle of water, untwisting the cap to take a drink.

"He's a smart kid.  I like him,' Justin said.  They heard the leader calling everyone to the circle, so started making their way to the meeting.

After the meeting, Justin and Brian went to the diner around the corner for their traditional dinner and discussion.  After ordering, Brian said, "Gus asked me when I was coming back to Sunday dinner.  Up till that point, I hadn't really thought about it." 

"Do you want to go to Sunday dinner?"

"I'm not sure.  I'm not really sure I'm ready to see Mikey and I don't really relish the idea of the barbs Gus' mothers will undoubtedly throw at me. I used to look forward to it because I got to hang out with Gus and hear about his week.  I used to only see him for a few hours, but now that has changed because I have him all weekend."

"It sounds like you have some mixed feelings.  Why don't we break it down a little. Tell me the pluses and the minuses,"  Justin said.

"1.  Seeing Gus is always great, but I spend all weekend with him now."  Brian touched his forefinger of one hand to his forefinger of the other hand.

"2."  Brian paused for a moment while he thought.  "Shit, there really isn't a 2 except for maybe seeing Debbie, but I can do that any time."

"Okay, tell me the negatives," Justin said as he listened for any hesitation in Brian's voice. 

" 1.  Gus' mothers are there and I really don't want to be with them right now.  I'm sure Mel will try to goad me and then I might say something I'll regret.  Unfortunately, I don't believe all the legal crap is over."

Brian took a sip of his coffee, happy that he waited to drink the good stuff, rather than the crap at the meeting.

" 2.  Mikey would be there.  I don't know that I'm ready to be with him.  Ever since I told him that if he couldn't accept my addiction, he couldn't be my friend, I haven't heard from him.  On the one hand, that is great since I'm really tired of his constant whining and trying to get me to go to the bars, but on the other hand, I'm disappointed that he hasn't come around."  Brian frowned slightly at his words.

The waitress brought their food, a burger for Justin and a southwest chicken salad for Brian.  Brian carefully poured the salsa ranch dressing on his salad, barely covering the contents.  While he had lightened up on his no carbs after 7:00 rule, he still watched the amount of fat he ate.  Justin put a squeeze of ketchup on his burger and made a small circle of ketchup for his fries.  

"So, Michael could be a plus or a minus?"  Justin asked, clarifying Brian's statement. He swirled a fry in ketchup and popped it in his mouth, enjoying the mixture of potato, rubbing spices, and ketchup.  

"I guess so.  If he reached out and wanted to do something that didn't involve the bars, that would be great.  But since it looks like all he is interested in is going to the bars with me, I guess that would be a minus."

Brian sighed when he finished his explanation. Brian mixed the greens, the black beans, and the corn together so they were coated with dressing.  He took a bite of his salad. 

"Sounds like you are really disappointed that Michael hasn't reached out?" Justin asked, feeling that Brian probably needed to work through his feelings about his friend. He popped another fry into his mouth, choosing to eat them first as he found that eating the burger first often resulted in having cold fries.

"Not really.  I expected that response, but I ....  I don't know,"  Brian hesitated, trying to gather his thoughts.   "Maybe part of me thought that our long history would mean something to him." Brian paused a few moments before continuing.  "This whole addiction thing has really opened my eyes about my ‘adopted' family.  I'm learning who I can depend on and who really was my friend.  As I've said a few times, I'm not used to having people in my life who don't want anything but my friendship."

Justin picked up his burger and took a bite, smiling at the familiar taste.  "It can be a painful journey sometimes.  Everybody wants to think that the people around them are there because they like them and want to spend time with them, but that isn't always the case,"  Justin said, remembering his own realization about the people around him.

"So, this happened to you, too?" Brian asked, looking for a glimpse into Justin's previous life."

"Sure.  When I got sober, I started making amends.  We've talked about that before."  Justin took a sip of his coffee and realized it was almost empty.  He signaled to the waitress for a refill.

"Yes.  I remember we talked about making amends with Gus for not being in his life."

"Right.  Anyway, I started reaching out to people to make amends for my horrible behavior and not showing up. A lot of the people I reached out to just blew me off.  When I started thinking about it, I realized that they really didn't care one way or the other about me or my journey.  They were more interested in getting free drinks from me or who I could introduce them to at parties or openings."  Justin winced at the memory of his so called ‘best friend' wanting nothing to do with him when he refused to go to an after hours show where the drinks would be flowing as well as the drugs.

"Ouch," Brian said and he unconsciously reached out to give Justin's hand a squeeze.  "I've been doing a little thinking on the subject.  Mikey's rejection may not really be about me at all.  He may be realizing that without me at the bars, he's got no one to hang out with." Brian ate another bite of his salad, enjoying the slight kick the salsa added.

"Right.  He may be rethinking his own life.   His life has changed now that you are not drinking and hanging out at the bar,"  Justin said, tring to give Brian a little bit of hope about his friend.  He knew the pain Brian was feeling and wanted to help ease it a little.  He also knew that there was a strong possibility that Michael would not re-enter Brian's life in the same capacity that he did a few months ago.  

"Sometimes I feel the same way.  Mikey hangs out with me so he can live vicariously through all the guys I pick up in the bars.  I guess he is missing his fix.  I bet if I introduced you to Lindsay, she would want you to introduce her to all your art friends and your agent.  I still think she fancies herself as an artist, even though her talent is not anything like yours."  Brian cringed at the thought of Lindsay and her overblown thoughts of her talent and status.  Her job at the gallery was as close as she was going to get to being an artist. 

"You're not really sure if either of them are your friends for the sake of being your friend. They have ulterior motives?" Justin drank some of his coffee and closed his eyes as he savored the taste.

Brian thought for a minute about Justin's statement.  He'd been thinking about Michael and Lindsay but never really finished the process, not allowing himself to explore his real feelings.  "Linds is easy.  She was raised to be a society woman with a  wealthy husband, a kid or two, and the proverbial white picket fence. The problem is she likes women, so that puts a monkey wrench in her fantasies.  Her solution was to enlist me as the father of her child.  She got the child and the rich ‘husband',"  Brian put air quotes around the word husband, signaling he did not agree with the term.   "But not in the package she wanted.  She pushed for my involvement with Gus from the day he was born. Now that I've fully embraced her ideals, her fantasy is not the reality she thought it would be.  She isn't happy at all that I have pulled the money from her pocket and now all she has is the illusion of a rich ‘husband' without the benefits of his money."  Brian said, explaining the situation.

"Sounds like you've been really exploring your thoughts and feelings about Lindsay?" Justin asked.  "Relationships can be important in your recovery.  You need to know who will support your journey and who will sabotage it.  Choosing the right people to be around can make or break your ability to succeed." Justin was very proud of Brian for all the work he was doing with his recovery.  

"If she were not Gus' mother, I don't think I'd have any problem cutting her out of my circle of friends," Brian said, expressing the conclusion he'd just come to as he talked out this relationship with Justin.

"I can see how that would be difficult.  Have you thought about what you want your interactions with her would look like moving forward?"

Brian listened to Justin and was so thankful that he had him in his life.  While he didn't believe in any higher powers, he felt really certain that there was some type of energy in the world that led him to that particular meeting and to Justin deciding to give back to the community.  "A little.  I've already told her that I will be paying for Gus' needs from now on, so really I don't have to interact with her.  She hadn't asked me to be involved in how she raised him since her primary goal was always for me to provide money.  So far, I'm okay with the way he is being raised, but I could see me intervening if I didn't like how they were raising him."

"I'm glad that you have thought about the future and how your relationship with Lindsay might look.  Do you think that you need to make amends with her?"  Justin asked, thinking he needed to question Brian about this important step.

"Making amends?  I don't think I need to make amends with her.  My drinking never interfered with our relationship.  If anything, it probably kept the relationship exactly where she wanted it, hands off and solving all the issues with money."  Brian said.  He took several more bites of his salad and drank some coffee. His cup was empty and he signaled to the waitress for a refill.

"Okay, Lindsay is not someone you want to include.  Who would you make amends to?"  Justin asked as the waitress came over to refill their cups.  Justin put cream and sugar in his cup as he waited for Brian to respond.

"Cynthia, my assistant.  I sort of said something to her, but I think I really need to make a concerted effort there.  Gus.  He deserves to know that I regret not being there for him in his earlier years.  Maybe Ted, but I'm not sure.  He probably deserves my apology for the umpteen times I was rude and hung over on the job.  I'm not sure if anyone else was impacted by my drinking."

"Michael isn't on your list?" Justin asked, wanting to explore that relationship with Brian.

"He doesn't support my sobriety, so why make amends?" Brian said, surprised that Justin was pushing him on his decisions.

"Didn't he make sure you always got home when you were drunk or high?"  Justin asked.

"Sure,  He felt that as my ‘best friend' he had to protect me.  But he hasn't had to do that in almost three months," Brian said, defending his statement.  He stirred the creamer and sugar into his coffee cup and tentatively tasted it to ensure that he had put sufficient amounts of each into the cup. Satisfied, he took a larger drink of his coffee.

"Let's take the question a little farther.  You allowed him to have that role, the one as your protector.  You knew that whatever you drank or imbibed, you were safe since Michael would always have your back. Do you think you owe him an apology for relying on him so you could enjoy your addiction?" Justin asked, pushing Brian to think about this scenario.

Brian took several more bites of his salad as he processed Justin's question.  "So you're saying that I should apologize to Michael for using my friendship with him to protect myself?  If I hadn't relied on Michael to get me home on any given night, maybe he wouldn't feel so lost,"  Brian said, realizing he hadn't thought about Michael in that way.  

"Michael is a victim of his own friendship.  I never looked at it like that. All he wanted was to make sure his best friend was safe.  I allowed our friendship to be about me and my needs.  For the last however long we've known each other, I dictated a lot of the interactions,"  Brian said, stunned at the realization. He sat back in his chair, silent about his epiphany.  

"I guess I have a few people to talk to.  Do I just say I'm sorry?  That doesn't change anything.  I've always lived by the motto, no apologies, no regrets since saying sorry doesn't change what happened,"  Brian said, sitting forward in the chair, looking at Justin, hoping to gain his wisdom.

"Making amends is more than saying your sorry.  It's showing the person that you are accountable for your past actions. When I made amends with my mother, I told her that I was sorry that I had missed so many family events and I made a point of attending any event that she asked.  Being there for family was really important for my mom and showing up has helped both of us heal."  Justin provided an example of his past actions, hoping that would help guide Brian.

"Telling Mikey I'm sorry isn't enough.  I should probably offer to hang out somewhere else besides the bar.  Give him a chance to be my friend outside of the bars.  Take that responsibility for ‘making sure I'm safe' off the table," Brian said, giving an example he hoped Justin would agree with.

"I can't tell you how to make amends Brian, but that sounds like a good first step.  I want you to understand that any of the people you choose to make amends with may reject your offer,"  Justin said, remembering the many rejections he received.

"Shit!! I hadn't thought of that.  Do you really think he would refuse?" Brian asked, thinking of Michael.

"I don't know if he'll refuse.  You just need to be ready if he doesn.  What do you think you'll do if he refuses to hang out with you or pushes you to go back to the bars?"  Justin asked, wanting Brian to come up with a game plan before he started this important step.

"Walk away.  I've already walked away from him and told him if he asks to go to the bars again, we're done.  It's his loss if he can't accept friendship without the bars.  I have enough friends who are interested in doing things other than going to the bars. I don't need someone in my life who is going to encourage me to stop my positive journey," Brian said with confidence.  He took another drink of coffee, ate some more of his salas and waited for Justin to respond.

"Having a plan is important in your recovery.  Sounds like you have thought of what would happen if he suggested going to the bars again.  Just remember that he may not be able to switch gears that fast.  He's been ‘protecting you' for many years."  Justin said, reminding Brian of his long friendship with Michael.

"True.  But we haven't hung out in over 3 months and I would have thought by now that he might have thought to offer an alternative to the bars.  I guess I'm not going to second guess what will happen.  I'll just have to wait and see."  Brian finished the last few bites of his salad and waved to the waitress to bring their check.

"Remember there is no syllabus on this journey, Brian.  When you are ready to make amends, you will do it.  In this situation, it is all about you, not how the other person feels or reacts.  It is your actions and thoughts that are important here.  Making amends is about you changing the things that you did that hurt others and making an effort to live the life you want for yourself that reflects what is important to you."  Justin picked up his ticket, glancing briefly at the total.  He reached into his pocket to grab his credit card.  

"Thanks.  As always, I learn something from every meeting," Brian said.  He picked up his ticket as well and they made their way to the counter to pay their respective bills.  

As they walked out of the diner, Brian said, "Later."

Justin returned the now familiar response, "Later."

They walked to their cars and drove to their respective homes.

As Brian drove to his home he thought about his conversation with Justin.  Could Justin be right?  Did he owe Michael the opportunity to be his friend without feeling that he needed to watch Brian's back?  What if Mikey didn't want to do anything but go to the bars? What if Mikey suggested something that Brian wasn't interested in doing?   There were so many questions and none of them could be answered by anyone but Mikey.  He wasn't sure how he felt about Mikey any more.  He had accepted that Mikey didn't think Brian had an addiction and in a part of his mind, he had already written off their friendship.  Did he owe Mikey the opportunity to be his friend or did he just owe him an apology?

It had been a busy weekend and he was sure that the coming week would be busy too.  When he got home, he wished he had a drink to unwind, but as usual he smiled at the irony of his desire, choosing to congratulate himself for another successful day in his sobriety journey.   He got ready for bed and despite the many questions running around in his head, he fell asleep quickly.

When he arrived at the office the next morning, he asked Cynthia to come into his office.  

"Good morning.  Here's your coffee,"  she said as she placed the warm mug on a coaster on his desk.  She sat down in the chair in front of his desk, placing her coffee on a similar coaster.    "You've got a presentation at 9:30 with Natrol, the vitamin people.  Next, you've got a conference call at 11:30 with John at Convergys."  She paused as she took a sip of her coffee, liking the new brand Brian had started stocking for the office.   "He's presenting you information on the new phone system.   And, we have a staff meeting to talk about the upcoming new campaign for Aveeno at 3:00."   

Brian sipped the coffee, unconsciously comparing it to the coffee at the diner last night. He listened to Cynthia's summary of his day and appreciated her thoroughness.  "Close the door and sit down for a few minutes," Brian said, deciding that this moment was a good one to talk to Cynthia.

Cynthia did as she was asked and returned to her place in the chair in front of Brian's desk.  

Brian quickly reviewed his discussion with Justin last night, reminding himself that it was not about being sorry but being accountable for the things he did.  

"Thank you for the coffee and summary.  I have a busy day."  Brian paused, feeling the levity of the moment and wanting to get his message across in the appropriate way.  

"Remember a few weeks back and I told you that I was an alcoholic and the problems I was having with Lindsay and Melanie?"  Brian raised his tone a little at the end of the sentence, indicating it was a question rather than a statement.

"Yes, of course.  I'm surprised that they haven't shown up here," Cynthia commented, happy that she hadn't had to deal with Lindsay these last few weeks. " Has something changed?"

"No.  I had to go to court on Friday to deal with the latest legal issues, but I know they aren't done.  This has nothing to do with Gus or his mothers.  It has to do with you."

"Me?" Cynthia asked, uncertain what Brian could be referring to as he appeared to always be very pleased with her work.  Being  professional, she waited for him to continue rather than defending her work.

"Your performance is exemplary, as always.  I wanted to thank you for everything you have done to keep my business running.  Coming to work hungover was unacceptable behavior for the CEO of a company."  Brian had not rehearsed what he planned on saying this morning, but he felt now was the time to have this conversation.  Cynthia was a trusted employee and she was key to his business' success.   

"I relied on you to ensure that things were done and the business ran smoothly.  You protected me from myself and our clients.  You made sure that all the presentations were later in the day, giving me time to get rid of any lingering hangover I had. You've handled a lot of phone calls and crises during the years that should have been my responsibility."

"Brian, I'm your Executive Assistant.  It's my job to do all those things," Cynthia said, assuring Brian that she expected to do those activities.

"Yes, you are my Executive Assistant and some of those tasks would be expected of someone in your position.  I want to apologize for making your job harder. Many of the late hours that you worked were often my fault.  While I was here physically in the mornings, it took several hours for me to think and do my job.  Since deadlines are a given in our industry, it didn't matter that I'd been at my desk for 9 hours, if I wasn't productive for the first 2.  As my assistant, you needed to be here too."

Brian had started talking and the words just flowed.  He started to realize what the principle of ‘amends' meant.  It wasn't about being sorry at all.  He was taking ownership of the way he treated his Executive Assistant.  

"I attend AA meetings every night after work, so I have to leave on time.  But, I rarely take work home.  I get it done here.  I'm sure you appreciate leaving at a reasonable hour every night."  

Cynthia nodded and smiled.  "I do like getting home before 9:00.  Brian, I've always liked you.  I love working for you and I'd do anything to keep the company going.  I do like this new you.  It is nice to have you here early, leave on time, and know I can schedule anything at any time." Cynthia smiled at Brian, showing her sincerity.  

"Thank you for all that you have done.  I apologize for all the work, the lost hours in your day, and for putting up with a hungover boss for all these years,"  Brian said, summarizing his talk.    He took another sip of his coffee and said, "I think we should start our day.  Can you please grab me the file for this morning's meeting and I'll review my notes."

Cynthia finished the last sip of her coffee and said, "Sure."  She stood up, grabbed her mug, and walked out of the office.  

As she left Brian thought about the conversation.  It had gone well, despite his lack of rehearsal.  He knew that Cynthia had given a lot to the company, especially time.  In his discussion with Justin last night, he had listed Cynthia, Ted, and Gus as the people he needed to talk to and make amends.  

Unconsciously, he knew he behaved poorly and wanted to make amends. Just like Justin said, amends were more about taking ownership than saying ‘sorry'.  He had already been changing his behavior with Cynthia, getting to work on time and leaving at a reasonable hour.  The last piece of the work, ie,the actual apology, was officially taking ownership of his behavior.  While he never said out loud that his hangovers often resulted in lower productivity in the first few hours of his work day due, he knew that was the case.  Getting to work at an earlier hour and being productive had already gone a long way in showing Cynthia that things had changed.  The apology this morning was his acknowledgement that he had behaved poorly and stating how he had changed.   She could already see the difference that sobriety had made in his work. 

"Here you are, Brian.  I've included some sticky notes by the key points we discussed at our last meeting," Cynthia said as she handed him the requested file.  "I'll get the conference room ready and ensure there is plenty of coffee."  She turned and walked out of Brian's office. 

He let the file sit on his desk while he continued to contemplate making amends.  He thought that his talk with Ted would be similar in nature. While Ted was his CFO, he was also his friend. The talk with Gus would be different, but again, Gus had already witnessed Brian's change in parenting.  Saying sorry for not being there when he was younger would be okay, but wouldn't have shown Gus that he was important to Brian.  Brian having the DNA test run, spending entire weekends with Gus, and telling Lindsay that he would pay for all of Gus' needs showed Gus that Brian had changed.  He needed to acknowledge to Gus that he understood how he could never make up for his absence in his earlier years and acknowledge that he was responsible for that absence.  

However, when he thought about Mikey and making amends, his mind was unsure.  Mikey's adamant refusal to accept Brian's statement of being an alcoholic hurt Brian.  He wasn't sure if he wanted to be friends with someone who couldn't accept his addiction.  He knew Justin was right and he owed Mikey an apology for allowing him to be responsible for Brian all these years, but he wasn't sure if he wanted more.  His computer beeped, announcing that he had 15 minutes before his meeting.  Clearing his mind of his personal life, he looked at the file Cynthia had brought in, and prepared for his first meeting of the day.

TBC