Brian and Justin arrived at Brian's home within minutes of each other.  Brian got out of his vehicle and waited while Justin parked his car.  They walked together toward the red brick building.

"You live by Liberty Avenue.  I guess I wouldn't have pictured you in a space like this," Justin commented as Brian opened the door to the lobby. 

"When I landed my first job in advertising I wanted to own my own place.  I wanted to get as far away from the blue-collar, run-down neighborhood as I could.  I guess I hoped that moving into an area so far removed from my parents would make it difficult, if not impossible for them to find me."

"I remember you mentioned your parents at your first meeting.  Do they know you are clean?"

"Good ole dad died a few years back and mom is still probably drinking her Sherry to "calm her nerves".  I honestly could not give a flying fuck," Brian said.

"Okay,"  Justin said.  "I know my mom was really happy when I finally got clean.  We had a rocky time when I was drinking, but she is very supportive. I'm sorry that you don't have that kind of support."

"No apologies, no regrets.  She gave birth to me, but good ole dad wanted her to have an abortion.  He didn't want me and told me more times than I can count that I was useless and should never have been born.  Of course, we can't forget about all the beatings I took,"  Brian said as he pushed the button for the elevator to take him to the loft level of the building.

"The elevator is old, but it works most of the time.  There is something I like about living in a building with an ancient elevator. Sort of a physical divide between the old world and the new."

Justin didn't respond, just tucked the information into his memory. He'd learned that people who have rocky childhoods often experience mental health issues as adults.  Many people turned to drugs, alcohol or a combination of the two to self-medicate, addressing their feelings of low self-worth and lack of self-esteem.  While Brian appeared successful, owning his business and having a number of friends, he definitely did not feel comfortable with feelings and understanding himself. 

They rode the elevator up to the loft and stepped out. Brian punched in the code for the door and pushed back the sliding door.  After placing his keys on the hook on the wall, he waved his arm in an arc, "home, sweet home," he said.

Justin took in Brian's home.  It was filled with expensive furniture highlighted with steel appliances and gray granite on the kitchen counters.  It looked like a model home or something from a photoshoot, rather than an actual place someone would live. 

"As I said the other night, it needs some color.  I think that I was constantly assaulted by too much noise, music, and glitter from Woody's and Babylon. When I came home, I wanted minimal stimuli.  Now that I don't go to the bars, I've noticed that my place lacks color and contrast. Next time you have a show, I'd like to come.  Maybe there is something that can add a little color to my world."

Justin nodded and said, "Sure.  I forgot that you had asked.  I'll bring you an invite tomorrow."

Brian walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and got out a bottle of water.  Turning toward Justin he said, "Want one, or should I make some coffee?"  He grinned at his offer.  "You know it is your fault that I've become a coffee snob.  Sure, I liked coffee before I got sober, but now I judge every cup I drink against the different diners that we go to."  

"Water is fine,"  Justin said. 

Brian grabbed two bottles of water and brought them to the living area.  Sitting down on the white leather couch, he motioned for Justin to join him.

"You have a beautiful home,"  Justin said as he sat down, his eyes still taking in all the space. 

"It's strange.  Gus was here frequently, but other than that, the only people who saw the place were the frequent parade of tricks.  Since they were here to fuck, the only thing they worried about was where the bed was."  He unscrewed the top of his bottle and took several drinks. He placed the bottle on the coaster.  "My home was a place where my bed was since I rarely spent time here unless I was sleeping or working," Brian said.  He looked around the loft, taking in the space as if he'd seen it for the first time.  

"It needs color, not a lot, but some.  Anyway, I didn't invite you here to look at my home.  I guess I should listen to the messages so you can get on back to your life."

"Brian, I offered to come.  As your sponsor, I want to support you in any way I can.  You've been working the program and forging a plan for your new life. This is probably the first real hurdle you've come across that isn't directly related to drinking. I want to be there for you."  Justin ran his hand over the couch, enjoying the soft fabric.

Brian didn't respond as he did not really know what to say.  Instead, he took out his phone and scrolled to the phone messages, placed his phone on the table, clicked the speaker button, and hit play.

"Brian, it's Lindsay.  I know you think you want to handle all of Gus' purchases, but it would really cut into your time.  Call me.  I've got some ideas," Lindsay said in a very calm voice as if she were discussing an upcoming school event that she was asking Brian to attend. 

Brian shook his head, hit delete, and played the next message. 

"Brian, every time I turn around, Gus needs clothes and shoes, and you'd be at the store all the time.  I really can't see you constantly shopping for a 10-year-old.  We can figure this out.  Call me," Lindsay said.

Brian hit delete and said,  "Obviously the idea of losing access to my money is not making her happy. Maybe she needs to find a spending anonymous group.  She seems to be addicted to my money." 

Justin laughed.  "Well there is a gamblers anonymous, but I'm not aware of a spending anonymous movement.  However, from what you say she might be using your money to maintain her lifestyle."

"I think you're right."  Brian shook his head and hit play to hear the next message. 

"Brian, Melanie says there is no such law.  Call me," Lindsay said, ending the call in a very abrupt tone.

"She must have been in the cab when the other messages were made."  He picked up his phone to look at the time stamp on them and they were made about 2:30.  Calculating the time he returned to Kinnetik, he said, "I can just see it now, her barging into Melanie's office, not bothering to find out if she had a client or was in a meeting, and demanding her attention right this minute."

"I take it from your description that she has done this with you on several occasions."

"She's tried, but I have Cynthia, my amazing assistant, who is the gatekeeper to my office. She knows better than to just let anyone in my office.  She has called security on Michael and Lindsay in the past.  Right now she has orders to do so if Michael comes to the office."  Brian took a drink of water and was reminded of Ted's comments this morning when he walked in.  Ted anticipated Michael's probable reaction to his revelation last night and had taken steps to protect Brian.  Ted really was more than his CFO.

"Melanie does not practice family law.  In fact, I bet she is unaware of the mandates in Pennsylvania.  If she had, I doubt she would have pushed for the financial support of Gus.  If she had not allowed Lindsay to receive money from me, then they could have grounds to go to court and try to deny visitation based on non-support."

"Is that part of what you and the lawyer discussed?" Justin asked.  He knew that Brian's access to Gus was important and he'd go to any lengths to maintain that. Justin watched Brian as he listened to the messages.  At first, he was smiling as if he pulled a prank on a friend, but when the conversation turned toward legal matters, his face was different, he frowned, and he put his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to push away a headache. 

"Yes.  When I showed Kera the receipts for all the things I bought and the cashed checks, she said that was great documentation if Mel and Linds tried to deny me access to Gus.  The courts would review the financial support and the past history of visitation in a positive light."

"So it would be a non-issue if you pushed for more access?" Justin saw Brian remove his finger and thumb and a faint smile appear.

"They could try to use my tricking and drugging as a ploy in the courts that I was unsuitable, but since I have many character witnesses stating that these activities are nonexistence for the last 2+ months, the courts would most likely throw out any petition."

"I'm glad you went to see a lawyer before all this started.  I think it will help you feel more confident in your rights regarding your son.  I'd vouch for you, after all, I have seen you every day for the last 60+ days and you've attended AA every day."

Brian smiled. "Thank you. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I appreciate your support."

Brian hit delete and the next message started.

"Brian, I don't know what game you're playing, but Gus is an innocent child. You can't tell him that you will have him every weekend, and then decide you are too busy.  Call me," Lindsay said, the aggravation starting to show in her voice.

Brian deleted that message as well.  Brian turned toward Justin, "You sure you want to hear these?  It sounds like a broken record."

"I'm sure. That last one was starting to sound pretty desperate.  How many more are there?" Justin asked.

Brian picked up his phone and looked at the call logs.  "There are 5 messages from Lindsay, 5 more from Michael, 2 from Debbie, and 1 from Ted."

"Wow.  Continue," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.  

Brian picked up his phone and hit play again.  "Brian, what the fuck kind of games are you playing?  There is no such law in Pittsburgh.  I refuse to let my son be exposed to your delusions.  From here on out, you will not be able to spend time alone with him.  I'll make sure of it,"  Melanie said.  

He picked up the phone, verifying that she was not one of the callers. "She must have used Lindsay's phone.  I'm glad that I went to see a lawyer before the shit hit the fan.  I will contact Kera in the morning."  He did not delete that message as he wanted to play it for his lawyer.

He hit play again.  "Brian, stop ignoring me.  I don't know who told you that you are an alcoholic, but they are wrong.  I would know if you were an alcoholic.  I'm your best friend.  Call me so we can go hang out at Woody's or Babylon," Michael said.

Justin listened to the message from Michael and was concerned. Brian had shared with him their conversation when he canceled going to Babylon and also had told him about the time Michael had come to his place almost mandating that he join him at the bars.  

"I know that must be hard hearing your good friend deny your addiction," Justin said. He opened his bottle of water and took a drink.  "Usually it's the addict who denies there is a problem,, but it is often the friends that push the person into recovery."  Justin wanted to offer his support to Brian.  He was glad he offered to sit with him and process these calls.  While he knew Brian could do so himself, having someone who could bounce ideas was probably helpful.  

"I've done a lot of thinking about Mikey and our friendship.  Unfortunately, I think this is the last straw.  I can't spend my energy convincing him I have a problem.  I want my energy and time for Gus.  I guess I will give him the opportunity to choose, now that he knows the real reason why I've stopped going to the bars.  If he continues to badger me, I'll have to quit our friendship."

"I'm sorry.  I know you've been friends for a long time," Justin said, understanding his situation. Many people have friendships that are based on drinking. When they become sober, many of those friendships go by the wayside because their common bond was drinking. Still, it is hard to make lasting friendships, and losing them is always difficult. 

"I don't believe in sorry.  I have to live my life in the best way for me, not based on what other people think is the best for me.  I'm discovering the people in my life who matter." 

Brian picked up the phone and hit delete.  "I guess we should finish these.  While you have generously agreed to sit through these messages, I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

"Brian, Gus is in his room crying his eyes out.  I told him he couldn't go with you this weekend.  I don't want him upset.  It's not good for his health," Lindsay said over the crying noises in the background. 

"That bitch!! How dare she tell Gus he can't see me.  I'm sending an email to the lawyer right now.  She is not going to stop me from seeing my kid," Brian said as he picked up his phone and opened his personal email.  He emailed the lawyer and attached the voice file to the message. Brian stood up, unable to sit calmly.  He paced the loft, trying to dissipate some of his anger. After taking a few minutes and banging a few walls with his flat hand, he returned to the couch and looked at his phone, seeing there were only a few more to listen to.

He hit play.

"Honey, why don't you stop by the diner tomorrow on your way home?  Have you said anything to Joan?  I saw her at the church last week when I went to light a candle for Vic.  He'd be proud of you," Debbie said,  as she left an encouraging message.

"At least there is one positive one.  Vic would be proud,"  Brian said.

"Who's Vic. I don't think I've heard you talk about him before."

"Vic is Deb's brother.  He was like a favorite uncle, cheerleader, confidante, and role model rolled into one.  My own parents were absent at best, but usually too busy drinking or in my father's case, using me as a personal punching bag.  Vic was a wonderful man.  We used to spend hours talking about his travels and his time in New York.  He was a master chef.  Maybe that is why I'm somewhat considering learning to cook," Brian said with a look of nostalgia on his face.  

"Vic taught me everything about safe sex and AIDS.  He died from AIDS, well actually he died from side effects of the damn anti-virals.  Anyway, I was pretty devastated when he died. Went on a huge bender; sex and drinking.  I know what you're thinking.  From what we've talked about the two were synonymous. But when he died, I think no one saw me for 4-5 days.  But Vic saved my life,"  Brian said as he tried remembering the time after Vic's death.  He'd been so drunk trying to stop the pain and anguish.  Of course, nothing really helped.  

"I got a blow job from a guy at the baths. Turns out he was a doctor and urged me to get my balls checked. I had testicular cancer.  The irony of the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" having cancer has never ceased to make me smile, just a bit. Even in death, he was watching out for me." Brian's eyes watered, but he didn't allow any tears to fall.  

"He sounds great.  I'm sure he would be proud."  Justin chose not to mention Brian's cancer.  The night was already pretty stressful.  He didn't want that topic to push Brian over the edge.  He thought Brian was handling the messages fairly well, but he had no way of knowing what was going on in his head.  He'd decided after Brian and his first week working together that Brian was a pretty deep thinker.  

Brian hit play on the next message and when he heard Lindsay's voice, he didn't bother listening but just hit delete. The next message was also from her and deleted that without listening.  He would start each successive message, but when he heard her or Michael's voice he just hit the delete button, choosing not to listen to their rants, tears, or threats.  

The last message was from Ted.  "Bri, just wanted to tell you that a guy was here from the court trying to serve you with a restraining order.  Mel and Linds are trying to keep you away from them."

"Ouch," Justin said, his heart going out to Brian. These women were trying to keep him from the one thing that made him want to make a better life

"I can't fucking believe Mel.  I bet she looked up the legal shit and decided that I was telling the truth and in her twisted mind, this was the only way she could keep me from Gus.  You can be damn sure that I will be on the phone with my lawyer in the morning.  Two can play this game,"  Brian said as he hit the coffee table with his flat hand.

"It's not a game," Justin said.

Brian had almost forgotten his presence until he spoke.  "Sorry, I forgot you were here.  I was so absorbed in their lies and deceptions."  He picked up the bottle of water, draining it in three gulps.  Needing to let off some energy, he picked it up and took it to the kitchen where he placed it in the recycle container.  "I want a drink so badly, I can just taste it," Brian said as he walked to the liquor cabinet, knowing unconsciously that it was devoid of alcohol.

Justin's alarms went off as he watched Brian walk toward the cabinet.  He recognized the elaborate piece of furniture as a liquor cabinet but remembered Brian told him how Ted and he had emptied its contents.  Still, he waited and watched to see what Brian would do.

Brian looked at Justin and said, "Don't worry. There's nothing in here but some glasses.  Maybe if I pour something into the glasses, I'll get the same mental fix as if I was drinking."

"Does it work?" Justin asked, not wanting to push Brian anymore at this point.

"Don't know.  I've never tried it.  It could be like Pavlov's dog.  You know, something like a trigger.  I guess I never thought of Woody's and Babylon like that, but I guess they are the places that I associate with drinking.  I'm used to thinking of them as the place I pick up tricks."

"You are pretty wired right now.  What can I do to help?" Justin asked.  He knew every person handled stress in a different way and didn't want to suggest things, thus limiting Brian's choices."

"I have no fucking idea. Usually, when I had a shitty day or something bad happened, I drank so I didn't have to deal with the issue."

"Brian you haven't had a drink in over 2 months.  I can't imagine that your life has been smooth sailing during that time,"  Justin said as he took another drink from his bottle of water.

Brian returned from the liquor cabinet and sat back on the couch.  "I call someone, usually Ted.  Sometimes I watch an old movie.  Sometimes I just sit on the couch and let the hamsters run amok."

"What do you want to do?"

"I haven't really thought about it, but I think what I'm doing right now works.  If I've learned anything from AA it's that you just have to take one step at a time. Sometimes planning doesn't work and you just have to wing it."

"You're right.  All the planning in the world sometimes doesn't help us deal when life hands us a curveball."

"What do you do, Justin?  I know you've been clean for over a year and surely there have been times when you've really wanted a drink."  Brian went to the kitchen and grabbed another bottle of water.  He sat back down and twirled the bottle in his hand rather than opening it for a drink.

"It depends.  Sometimes I sit and think. You know, let the hamsters run around.  Other times I go to my studio and see if my creativity will kick in.  I never know when the muse will hit me to paint something.  I walk in the park and sometimes I call my sponsor.  Different things.  It just depends on the reason I want to drink and how strong the urge is.  I believe that oftentimes I just escaped into the bottle for lack of anything better to do."

"I want to yell and scream and throw things, but that won't solve anything," Brian said, admitting the dark side of his personality.

"You can, you know.  I won't judge you if you do.  Everyone wants to yell sometimes," Justin said, giving him permission.

Brian looked at him, strangely still and obviously serious in his statement.  Brian stood up and walked to his balcony, sliding it open. He looked out on the mostly empty street.  He leaned over and screamed several long bursts.  A few people stopped and looked in his direction to make sure that he didn't appear in danger, and they continued on their way.  He laughed at himself, turned around, and closed the sliding door.

"That was pretty amazing.  You'll have to share more of your little secrets," Brian said as he sat on the couch.  "You know, screaming like that makes me feel very in control.  No one is telling me what to do.  It's actually very cathartic."

"Do you scream?" Brian asked, curiosity filling his mind.

"I've been known to let loose on occasion.  It lets me be the judge, jury, and executioner.  Sometimes when I'm dealing with a gallery exec who doesn't see my vision, I leave the meeting, walk to a park and let loose. When I return, they often act as if nothing happened and that it is typical behavior when an artist walks out of a meeting with them.  I think mostly they believe artists to be eccentric, egotistical brats, and only put up with us since we make them loads of money when they showcase our art."

"A little cynical?"

"Not really.  Just know the score. I've been an artist for a long time."

"That little scream session calmed me down.  I know that I'll have to call my lawyer in the morning and she'll help me with the legal mumbo jumbo.  As for Lindsay and Gus,  I'll call the school and tell them I'm picking him up directly."  Brian played with the bottle of water, picking at the label, then twirling it back and forth.  

"I'm sure the court jester will find me at Kinnetic to serve me with the restraining order to stay away from Mel and Linds.  Despite her phone call stating the contrary, I believe Mel knows that I have every right to Gus.  She can't keep me from him unless she goes to court to declare me unfit or a threat to him."   Brian stood up and walked the length of the room several times as he reviewed his conversation with Kera, his lawyer.   She knew that if Mel tried to take him to court, she would most likely try and convince the court that he was dangerous and Gus was unsafe with him, but he had the upper hand since he could show huge financial support as well as attendance at AA for the last several months.  

"Since they can't stop me from picking up Gus, I'll just show up at school.  I told Lindsay that I don't mind shopping for him.  I don't care that he won't have anything with him.  That's what they make stores for."

"See, you have it figured out.  I'm proud of you."

"The one I still have to really figure out is Mikey.  Obviously, he won't accept things as they are.  I think I will not do anything, just take one day at a time and see if he relents. At least Debbie said she was happy for me.  I just hope she doesn't change her mind when she realizes that my friendship with Michael may be coming to an end unless he can accept the changes in my life."

"I think that is a great idea.  Sometimes the best option is to do nothing."

"I think that is an area that I need to work on.  I always want to fix things.  I can't tell you the number of times that I've been called upon to "fix" whatever is happening in the family.  If two people are fighting, someone comes to me to get them to make up.  If there is a problem with a neighbor or a missed payment on a bill, I'm the one who steps up to fix it.``"

"So, your family relies on you?"  Justin asked.  

"I guess so. I never really thought about it like that.  Michael dropped out of community college after a semester and is always telling me how smart I am.  I guess that is his way to massage my ego to do his bidding."  Brian thought back through the last few months and realized that Michael hadn't come to him for any problems; however, was constantly coming to him to go to the bars.  "I think Mikey relies on me to help him pick up guys too.  I can have any trick I want. Maybe Mikey likes hanging with me because of the trick potential?"  Brian mused out loud. He played with the water bottle, twirling it in his hand and then putting it down on the coaster.  He wanted a cigarette, the one vice he hadn't given up.  He saw a pack on the side table and picked it up.  He slapped the pack on his hand and one slid out.  He held the pack out, seeing if Justin wanted one.  Justin reached for the pack and slapped it as well.  Brian flicked the lighter, lighting his cigarette, and leaned over to light Justin's for him.  He took a few hits, blowing smoke rings into the air.  

"Debbie got pregnant with Michael when she was 17, so she went to work right away to support them. Her family wanted nothing to do with her or Vic, so they supported each other. Michael's father was not in the picture.  Emmett left home as soon as he could scrape up enough money for a bus ticket.  But you know Emmett and Ted never ask me to "fix" things."  Brian thought back to this morning when Ted had already addressed the potential invasion of Mikey at Kinnetik.  "Ted doesn't ask me to fix things.  He takes charge, but in his own quiet way." He opened the bottle and took a drink.  All this talking was making him thirsty.

"Lindsay thinks the way to handle everything is with money, and her "she-wolf" plays along since she wants to keep Lindsay happy.  I have a successful business and the family naturally turns to me for their problems.  Of course, Mel is a lawyer, but I think she resents the fact that the "family" calls on me instead of her."  Brian put down the bottle of water and took another hit of his cigarette.  The nicotine in the cigarette coursed through his body. 

"It sounds like you have been thinking about this for a while. I think all those discussions at AA and the ones we have afterward have helped you look at your life and your relationships."  Justin smiled at Brian, enjoying their time together talking about life and supporting him. 

"I think you are right.  I guess I don't give myself credit for all the changes I've made.  I'm beginning to really look at my relationships, not just with Gus but with everyone that I include in my family.  I'm starting to think about what my life will look like.  And of course, I'm fighting for the right to have my son in my life. He's the best motivator.  I want him to be proud to call me Dad.  I want a better relationship with him than I had with my old man.  Of course, that is already happening since I don't use him as a punching bag."  Brian got up from the couch, grabbing Justin's empty water bottle. As he picked it up, he saw Justin stifle a yawn.  In the kitchen, he saw the clock on the microwave and realized they'd been there for almost 2 hours. 

Sitting back on the couch, he said, "Thank you.  I'm glad you offered to come listen to the messages. Sure, I could have done this by myself, but I think you helped me by offering your support.  I can't wait to hear more about your coping mechanisms.  Screaming is definitely going to be an option in the future.  I'll see you tomorrow.  Hopefully, I'll be able to talk to the lawyer."

Justin allowed himself to show his yawn this time.  "It's late. I'll bring you an invitation to my show.  I think you're right,  You do need more color in here," Justin said as he smiled, stood up, and walked to the door.  "Just remember, one step in front of the other."

"I will,"  Brian opened the sliding door and watched as Justin got in the lift.  I could use a drink.  I'm emotionally drained, but I'm not going to have one. I just hope that next time I want one, I'll not be tempted to hide my feelings in a bottle.

He set the alarm, turned off the ringer on his phone, and got ready for bed.  As Justin said, one day at a time, and there was nothing he could do until tomorrow.  Exhausted, he fell asleep fairly quickly.