The leader sat down and called out, "Okay everybody, time to start.  Grab your coffees and water and let's begin."

Those words or something like them had become a signal that the "work" was about to start.  Brian thought briefly about his high school psychology class and learning about Pavlov's dogs.  While he didn't want to be categorized as an animal, the familiar words were starting to elicit a similar response in him.

"Today's topic is making amends....." 

60 days into his sobriety journey, Brian had actually read through the AA literature a few times and the concept was familiar.  He remembered picking up a few pamphlets at the first meeting, glancing through them and almost throwing them in the trash.  They sounded like the priests from his mother's church when he was growing up. As he read the statements,  he wondered if a priest wrote them.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Words like being powerless and believing in a Power greater than ourselves and turning our care over to G-d, all brought back visions of his childhood where he was forced to attend endless church services and listen to the priests extoll the virtues of Jesus.  He'd had enough religion for a lifetime before he hit puberty.  

Walking into the first meeting and seeing people stand around the coffee table reminded him of the "coffees" after church as well.  He remembered his mother demanding that he walk with her and say hello to all the people as she introduced him to her fellow congregants.  She would parade him around like he was a trophy she'd won for being so pious.  In retrospect, she was most likely trying to demonstrate what a good Christian woman and mother she was by having a son who attended church with her.  On Sunday mornings, he would frequently wake up angry, thinking of the charade he had to endure as he attended church with his mother. 

He started to leave before the AA meeting started but then the leader had called the participants to the meeting and everyone moved to the small circle of chairs.  He chose a chair where no one sat on either side, but quickly all the chairs had been filled. He'd been very uncomfortable and questioned his sanity in coming to the meeting.  He remembered looking around at the group of 15 strangers thinking what losers they were to be attending an AA meeting.  He'd thought that he was really fooling himself and that he didn't need to be there, but then the leader had started talking and he quickly realized that he'd made the right decision.  Before he knew it, he was talking about his drinking.  And now, 60 meetings later, he actually looked forward to each meeting.  

"Today's topic is making amends....."," Tom said.  His greying hair was cut short and today he wore a button-down white shirt and dress slacks.  

To Brian's well-trained eye, he looked like a businessman, minus the tie.  Brian's first thought was that he'd left the tie and possibly the jacket in his car.  Mentally, Brian tried to imagine Tom in an office and quickly imagined him leading a high-powered office meeting.  Brian stopped his imagination and turned back into Tom's introduction.  After attending 60 meetings, he accepted that while he did not always agree with what was said, it was always valuable information. 

Brian stopped reminiscing about his horrific childhood and remembering his first AA meeting,  and tuned into the speaker. 

"When I was drinking, I did a lot of terrible things.  I came to business meetings late.  I missed the deadlines.  I missed family events.  When I became sober, I had a lot of people to apologize to for my behavior.  But making amends is hard.  Saying sorry is difficult because you can't take back what is done.  So, how do you make peace with saying sorry for things that you cannot undo?"

"Hi.  My name is Josh,"  a young man with light brown hair said.  He wore a green Polo shirt and jeans. He looked to be in his late 20's or 30's and was lightly tan.  

Brian's job in advertising always made him look at people, trying to "read" them and he used the same techniques when he attended AA.  Since these were not business or social situations, per se, he was never really certain if his observations were correct, but his training never stopped him from categorizing the speakers at the meeting. To Brian, Josh appeared to be a junior office worker as evidenced by the closely cut hair and his creased jeans.

"I was drunk at my sister's wedding and I was the best man.  I made an embarrassing speech at the reception and she didn't talk to me for 6 months.  When I got sober, I apologized, but that couldn't replace her wedding reception.  I took her and her husband out for dinner at a place of their choosing and gave them the speech that I should have delivered. She was crying toward the end, and was so happy that I was finally sober and in a better place."

"My name is Sheila and I've been clean for 3 years," said a black woman.  She wore a blue dress and heels.  She had manicured nails, complete with nail art.  Brian decided that she looked like Cynthia did and probably worked in an office, coming to the meeting straight from work. 

"I was pretty bad off when I was young and drinking.  My husband left me and took our kids.  My children were afraid of me because I'm a mean drunk.  It took a long time for them to trust me, but now we are back together and things are great.  Apologizing to a 5-year old and trying to explain drinking doesn't work too well. I just had to learn to be myself and make him understand that mommy wasn't going to get angry all the time."

"So how did you do that?" a woman next to her asked.

"At first, it was hard. Once I got sober, my husband agreed to try our marriage again.  We did short outings with the kids together.  We'd go to McDonald's for a shake and let the kids play on the playground.  I'd go out with them for a few minutes and play too.  Then we went on picnics and to the Science Center.  After a while, I just started coming by the house to play with them and help with their homework.  Eventually, I was there most every night, eating dinner, helping with bath time, and other family stuff.  After about 6 months, they began to trust that I wasn't the same angry mom who lost her temper because she was drinking.  Now that they are older, we have talked about that dark time. Thankfully, kids are pretty resilient and they have accepted who I am."

"I'm Elizabeth," said the woman who had asked the question. She had red hair that was shoulder length and wore a nice green blouse and grey dress slacks.  

Brian pegged her as an office worker as well, but she did not have her nails done and her clothing did not look as expensive as Carol's.

"What about your husband? You know, making amends with him?"

"That was a little harder.  I started to drink after our first child was two.  There was a lot of stress at work and I wasn't coping well.  Luckily, when I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was able to stop drinking during the pregnancy."  She stopped talking to wipe a stray tear that had trickled from her eye.  "He was very leery of leaving me home with the kids when he saw my behavior after I'd been drinking.  Once I got sober, I apologized, but it was more about the work I was willing to do that made him come around."  Sheila said as she smiled.  She looked around the small circle and saw a few nodding heads.   "He saw that I was willing to work with the kids to gain their trust, and didn't just expect to walk right back into their lives.  I was willing to do it right, and that made him accept the apologies as more than empty words.  Sure, I still cringe about what I was like when I was drinking, but I can't turn back time.  I just have to move forward and show my family that I'm committed to my sobriety and making a great life with them."

"It sounds like you have your family back and that makes you happy," Justin said.  He silently didn't add the other thought in his head that she was luckier than he was. While he was on good terms with his mother, his father was never going to accept him back in his life.  Of course, he knew that had nothing to do with his drinking.  "My mom was thrilled when I stopped drinking.  Even when I apologized for the angry outbursts and missed family events, she shrugged it off.  I still feel bad about my behavior, but none of us can turn back time.  We just have to make a commitment to show the people in our lives we have changed."

"Okay, our time is about up for today.  Thank you for coming.  Have a great week," said Tom.

Most of the group gravitated toward the back of the room where the coffee table was set up.  There were small pockets of conversation while people grabbed a coffee and a few people moved to the chairs located on the side of the room where they could have a private conversation.  Justin and Brian nodded at each other and moved toward the exit.

"Be there in a few," Justin said as he fished his car keys out of his pocket.

"Okay," said Brian as he did the same and walked towards his car.

They arrived at the diner about the same time and walked in together.  They appeared comfortable together, like two friends taking some time to catch up, before heading home for the evening.  

The waitress nodded at them and said, "Hi."  They had been to this diner eight times in as many weeks and she recognized them as regulars.  "Back booth, okay?  Or do you want to switch it up a little for variety?" she asked as she started walking to the booth.

"Back booth is fine," Justin said and looked at Brian for confirmation.  Brian nodded in agreement.  "We'd like some coffee when you get a chance," Justin said before they were even sitting down.  

"Sounds like you had a great day today.  You were pretty upbeat when you came in,"  Justin said as he pulled out the menu from the menu holder on the side of the table.  

"Yeah, I did.  When I came home last night I just went to the computer and started looking up information on phones with a camera for Gus.  I had a purpose," he said.

"A purpose?  I'm not sure I understand."

"Okay, purpose may be too strong a word here, but I'll try to explain."  The waitress brought the coffee pot and filled their cups.  She asked if they were ready to order.

"I'll have a roast beef sandwich on sourdough bread and a salad with ranch dressing on the side," Brian said after glancing at the menu.  

"I'll have the double cheeseburger with fries," Justin said as he placed the menu back in the holder.

"Coming right up," the waitress said.

"Since I stopped going to Babylon or Woody's I've struggled with filling my time in the evenings.  I go to work, go to a meeting, meet you for coffee and go home.  I'm used to hanging out at the bars until 12:30 or 1:00 and when I get home from the meetings, it's usually about 10:30.  That's the time I would have gone out to the bars. I wasn't ready to call it a night, so I really struggled with occupying my time until I went to bed."  Brian took the sugars and creamer and prepared his coffee to his liking and took a sip.  Smiling he said, "Much better than the dregs they serve at the meeting."

"So you were struggling with what to do after you got home," Justin said.

"Yeah.  But last night when I got home from Deb's I didn't have to think about what I should do.  I just booted up the computer and started researching phones for Gus. Just like we talked about yesterday.  It just happened and I didn't have to plan it."

"That's great.  So you're feeling more confident about what you're going to do with your free time?"

"I guess.  I don't think one day of success is a guarantee that everything is figured out, but at least I know it can be done.  It's like people were saying yesterday, life just takes you places."

"Yeah.  My mom took me to the art gallery and then I just picked up the pencil to draw.  It wasn't like I said, ‘I want to be an artist'."

The waitress brought their food and both men took a few bites, enjoying the tasty meals.

"What did you think of the topic tonight, Brian?" Justin asked.

"Interesting, but I'm not sure how it would pan out?"

"Pan out?  You don't think that you could make amends?"

"I've always had this policy of no apologies, no regrets and I've said it all my adult life.  I'm just not sure if anyone would believe me."

"Sheila talked about that.  She knew that empty words would not sway her family.  She had to show them."  Justin drank more of his coffee, smiling at the taste.

"But I think I'm a little different.  Everybody in my little "family" expects me to be an asshole. It's almost like they make excuses for my bad behavior. I can't tell you how many times I've heard Debbie say that it's just "Brian's way" or call me an asshole when I do something she thinks is wrong.  But there have never been any consequences."

"Never?"  Justin asked, a little incredulously.

"Nope.  One time, when Gus was a baby, I showed up at Lindsay's 4 hours late for dinner at their house.  She said Gus was asleep and they'd been in bed, but she went and got Gus out of his crib and gave him to me to hold.  I know she could smell the alcohol on my breath, yet she didn't hesitate to give me a tiny baby."

Brian ate a few more bites of his roast beef sandwich.  "This is pretty good.  Usually, I just get a turkey sandwich, but tonight roast beef sounded good.  I guess I'll take spontaneity any place I can get it."

"And I know I've told you about Michael and the countless times he's seen that I get home from the bars when I'm literally so drunk that I can barely walk.  He's never said a word or confronted me on my drinking.  It's like I can do no harm."

"So you feel that making amends doesn't apply to you since your family doesn't feel like you've done things to apologize for?"  Justin asked.  He dipped a french fry in ketchup and popped it in his mouth and repeated that move several times, waiting for Brian to respond to his question.

"I think it's more like they know that I don't apologize and they just accept that I'm an asshole and drunk.  They let me get away with whatever I want.  Almost like they are willing to do anything as long as I'm in their lives."  Brian took a few stabs of lettuce from his bowl and touched his fork to the dressing container on the side of his plate.  

"There is a term for that,  It's called an enabler.  Have you read about that in any of the literature?"  Justin remembered attending a few meetings where the topic had come up.  He found it fascinating that people would allow their family members or friends to drink just so they could be a part of their lives.  

"I think I saw it mentioned, but I'm not really certain."

"Enabling can take many forms, but basically its people making excuses for your behavior. They think they are helping you, but really there allowing you to not have any consequences from your drinking.  For instance, when Lindsay let you see Gus, even though it was 4 hours after the dinner, then she was enabling you to drink without consequences.  And your friend, Michael, enables you every time he makes sure you get home after you're drunk.  He probably thinks that he is taking care of you and wants to be a good friend, but in reality, he is allowing you to drink without any consequence."

"Sounds about right, but how do I make amends when they don't think they've done anything wrong?  Seems kind of useless.  Making amends is realizing you are sorry for your behavior and want to apologize to the people you hurt.  If they don't think I hurt them, it seems unnecessary."

"Let's look at this issue in another way.  Do you regret your actions?  I know you said you have a mantra, ‘no apologies, no regrets' but do you feel that way now?"  

Brian took a moment before he answered, "My first thought would be yes, I still feel that I don't have regrets, but I'd be lying.  Gus is 10 and I regret not being there for him when he was younger.  While he likes hanging out with me, I feel that our relationship could be a lot stronger.  Seeing him only 1 time every few weeks really doesn't make for the ideal relationship."

Justin nodded.  "Any other regrets?"

"I regret allowing Michael to get me home so many times from the bars."

"Why?" Justin asked, somewhat surprised by this statement.

"If I'm being honest with myself, I'd say I have allowed him to think that he's my caretaker. It's his job to get me home from the bars and take care of me.  I've allowed him to associate me with the bars and now that I don't go there, he's at a loss."

"You feel bad for him since you are no longer in his life?"

"I guess.  Of all the ‘family' he's the only one who hasn't really grasped that I don't want to go to the bars.  When I told him that I wouldn't be drinking at Babylon, he just shrugged it off like I was making a joke.  Ted and Emmett understood and supported me."

Justin didn't respond right away.  There were a lot of things that he wanted to say to Brian about his revelation but knew he had to tread lightly.  Tonight's topic was an important one, not that all of them weren't important, but this one really impacted the way Brian's support system acted in the future.  Without his support system in place, the reality of his success was in jeopardy. 

"Let's go back to the idea of amends.  Do you think you should make amends to Michael in regards to allowing him to think it was his responsibility to take care of you and get you home from the bars?"

"I hadn't thought about making amends in that way, but I guess that makes sense.  But I know he's going to laugh at the idea that I'm apologizing for getting me home.  I can see it now, he'll just laugh and tell me that he doesn't mind and then ask when we're going again," Brian said as he could almost hear Michael in his head.  

"He won't take you seriously?"

"No, I can't see him thinking that there is anything to apologize for.  Lindsay is a little more complicated.  If I admit to her that I'm attending AA and not drinking, she might try and use that information against me.  I could see her saying that she had ‘no idea that alcohol was so much a part of my life and what would happen if I had another drinking binge.  Gus wouldn't be safe...'  That's why I'm doing the legal shit."

"You don't think she'd be happy that you weren't drinking and would be available for more family events?"

Brian shivered at that possibility.  "I hadn't thought about that consequence.  Once the ‘family' sees the new and improved Brian Kinney, they'll expect me to show up to all their functions, on time and sober.  That is a frightening thought."  Brian frowned at the idea of all the events that the family held that he might now be expected to attend.  

"You don't have to commit to attending anything, even if you are sober.  Remember, life happens and you may get involved in other activities that take your time and commitment."

"Okay, so where do I go from here? Asking for forgiveness to people who expect you to screw up and don't hold you accountable still seems a little pointless."

"I think the first thing you should do is let those hamsters that you are always joking about do their thing.  Figure out what making amends look like for you.  Maybe it isn't saying your sorry, but changing the way you interact with people is a start. Eventually, you are going to want to say you are sorry by writing a letter or in person, but it's not something that you have to do this minute.  Remember, sobriety is not a syllabus where you get to check off the assignments and get a good grade at the end."

"You sure you weren't a teacher in some other life?  Or do you teach on the side and just neglected to share that little tidbit?"  Brian said as he smiled at Justin.  He realized that he enjoyed talking to Justin and wondered how long he'd be willing to help him in his journey.  He didn't think he'd be here, 60 days later, talking about making amends to his family, if Justin had not been in the picture.

"No, I'm not a teacher, but I had a great sponsor who helped me and I want to return the favor.  I love seeing the light go off in your head after every meeting as you work on becoming the man you want to be."

"Okay, this is not a Lifetime movie and we are not some rom-com couple.  I am figuring out who I want to be but on my terms.  No apologies, no regrets may still be my motto moving forward, but I guess I may need to rethink if I truly can say that about my life when I was drinking."

"Fair enough.  What about Gus? You've talked about Michael and Lindsay, but do you think Gus may need your apology?"

"I hadn't thought about Gus,"  Brian said, thinking about his son.  "I'm doing this sobriety thing for Gus, but I think you have something else in mind."  

"It's not for me to tell you where to make amends, that is your call.  I would encourage you to think about your interactions with him before you decided to get sober,"  Justin said.

"Before I got sober, I didn't really think about fatherhood much.  You know he asked me the other day if I had ever thought about fighting for my right to see him and it made me think.  I hadn't really thought about him in my life before I got sober.  I guess I do have amends to make with Gus.  I was so involved in going to the bars and leading my life inside a bottle that I really didn't think about him,"  Brian said, a look of sadness on his face.  

"I already told him that I hadn't really thought about it, but that I really want him in my life.  I guess I already made amends with him without even realizing it." Brian said.  

"Gus asked you about the legal proceedings?   He is a pretty smart kid."

"He and I talked about the DNA test Friday night.  I wish I could have told him that I had thought about being more involved in his life before I got sober.  Honestly, it hadn't really occurred to me.  He's 10 years old and I want to be sure that I have access to him.  I can't make up for the years I missed, but I can make sure that I don't miss anymore."

"That is what it means to make amends, Brian.  We have to honestly look at our lives and see where we have wronged people, and then we make amends.  You are making amends by taking legal action to guarantee your presence in his life.  Now, you have to decide if there are other people who you need to make amends to."

"Justin, Can I ask you something?"  

"Sure."

"Is it always this hard?  I mean I came to the meeting tonight thinking I had this sobriety thing all figured out.  Take one day at a time, let life come to me ....   After tonight, I realize that I've still got a ways to go."  Brian said as he took one last drink from his coffee.

Justin smiled and looked at Brian.  "Sometimes it's hard, but yeah, it does get easier.  Sure, you put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time, but like you said, eventually one day flows into the other and before you know it, it's been 6 months, 12 months or longer."

The waitress brought their ticket to the table and laid it down.  "Pay me whenever you're ready," she said.

Brian picked up the bill and put money on the table for his portion, and gave the bill to Justin.  Justin picked it up and put his money down as well.

"When do you think you'll hear about the test results?"

"A few days.  I guess those hamsters are going to keep me awake until it's over.  Now, I'll add making amends to my list of things to keep me awake at night," Brian said.  

Justin said, "Brian, remember, sobriety is not a class with a syllabus that you check off.  Think about your life and who is in your life.  Making amends can be to yourself as well."

"What do you mean it can be to me? How do I make amends to myself?" Brian asked.

"That one I can answer.  You have to learn to forgive yourself for all the crap you did or didn't do, as the case may be.  Sometimes we are harder on ourselves then others are on us. None of us are perfect.  If we were, we would live in a supremely boring place."

"So you're saying that I also have to forgive the mistakes I made.  It's not enough to tell other people I'm sorry, but also to forgive myself for being an asshole?"  Brian said.

"Well, that is one way to put it.  I don't really know about you being an asshole.  I'd say anyone who goes through all the hoops you are going through to make sure he has access to his son, doesn't seem like an asshole to me,"  Justin said.   He enjoyed talking with Brian these last few months and had a hard time wrapping his mind around Brian's words.  

"But I am an asshole.  I don't care about anyone but myself... well, maybe Gus," Brian said.  

"Okay.  Let's look at this.  You decided on your own that you wanted to explain to Emmett and to your friend Ted about why you canceled the other night.  No one told you that you needed to do that.  You decided on your own that you wanted to have Gus in your life.   Sounds like you do care about other people.  Why do you feel you are an asshole?"

"I'm an asshole because I do what I want when I want without care for how my actions affect others."

"Brian,  this is exactly what making amends is about.  You don't think you are worthy of friends or their respect, but yet you are attending AA every day and making changes to your life.  You are working the program and thinking about your life.  You can do all the things necessary to keep Gus in your life.  You can take charge of your life.   But the key to your success is learning to be yourself, accepting your life and making it the life you want to live."

"I don't know the life I want to live.  How does that even work?"  Brian said.  Usually, he and Justin left shortly after paying their bill, but tonight they continued to talk. 

"It's like you said earlier tonight.  You said that you just walked in after the family dinner and started looking up phones on the internet.  Figuring out how you want to live your life will most likely come about as you start doing things that you enjoy," Justin said.  Stifling a yawn with his hand in front of his face, he tried to hide his fatigue.  He'd been up early today, finishing a project and the long day was starting to catch up to him.

"You've helped me dissect a lot of topics and I guess this is just another one.  This one is a little harder to wrap my head around.  I've been told I'm an asshole for so long that I don't have a good role model to emulate."

"Don't overthink it, Brian,'  Justin said as he drank some water.  The waitress had not refilled their coffee cups since bringing them their bill a little while ago.  "We can talk about it again.  I'm really sorry, but I've got to cut this short.  I'm fading fast," Justin said. This time he did not try to hide the wide yawn.  

"Sorry...."

"See, you aren't an asshole as assholes wouldn't have apologized.  But, no need to apologize. Normally I have endless energy, but it's been a long day and I need to head back to my apartment before I fall asleep."

Since they had already paid their bill, they walked toward the entrance to the diner.  "Tomorrow?"  Brian asked.

"Of course.  Now tell those hamsters to leave you alone so you can get some sleep," Justin teased.  He walked toward his car as Brian walked toward his own car.  

"Later," Brian said as he watched Justin leave.  ‘My life would be very interesting if everyone expected me to be on time and attend all the events.  I guess me and the hamsters will be busy tonight.'  

Brian drove home and realized he was tired as well.  He got ready for bed and didn't allow the hamsters to keep his mind occupied for too long before he fell asleep.

TBC