Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

 

Brian brought Gus home, albeit a little later than normal and Lindsay greeted them at the door.  

 

"Gus, go get ready for bed.  It's late," Lindsay said, as she waived her hand towards the stairs.  

 

Gus reached out his arms to give his father a hug.  "I had a great time today, Dad."  He motioned for him to lean down so he could whisper in his ear.  "Remember to ask mom about next Saturday."  Smiling, he walked up the stairs toward the bathroom.

 

Lindsay closed the door and motioned Brian toward the living room.  He sat down on the beige couch and she sat in the adjacent matching chair.  He sank into the cushions, thinking that their couch really needed to be replaced.  Prior to a few days ago, he probably would have offered Lindsay the money to buy a new one, but then he remembered his visit to the school.  

 

How many things had he paid for in this home?  He wondered what Mel and Lindsay spent their money on as it was obvious it wasn't on things for Gus and from the shape of their furnishings it wasn't on those either. He knew that Lindsay relied on him way too much to pay for things that had nothing to do with Gus.  Since he had decided that he was no longer giving her money directly for Gus, he knew his decision would have consequences on their finances.  He felt guilty for a few moments, but then reminded himself that Lindsay and Melanie both had good paying jobs and really should be able to support themselves on their salaries.  

 

"Would you like some tea?" She asked, ever the hostess, and always wanting him to stay for a visit.  

 

"No.  I'm only staying long enough to tuck Gus in for the night."

 

"Just curious Brian, what were you guys doing that made you so late?  You're usually here right at 5:00 so you can get ready for an evening out.  I know Babylon doesn't really get going until at least 10:00, but I assume you go work out and maybe do a little work before you go."

 

Brian hadn't expected Lindsay questioning their late arrival.  He understood that he was changing his interactions with Gus and willingly spending more time with him.  This was in anticipation of a positive court decision which had been 99% assured.  He wanted to try out spending more time with Gus in addition to trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life.  If today was any indication, the extra time would be great for both of them.  In fact, if Justin was willing to act as tour guide, it would open up a lot of avenues for them to explore.  Brian realized he liked the idea of Justin spending time with the two of them, teaching and showing them about their city.

 

"We started at the Incline and then I took him to the Science Center. Since the Science Center is on the other side of town, it took a while to get back here, and I knew Gus would be hungry.  He burned a lot of calories doing the ropes course. We stopped for dinner after we left the Science Center."

 

"You let him do the ropes course?  That is so dangerous, Brian," Lindsay said, alarmed that Brian would let Gus do the activity.

 

"Lindsay, the staff put him in all these harnesses and there are at least 6 inches of thick matting underneath the course.  If it was dangerous, they wouldn't let so many people do it.  We had to wait almost an hour for his turn," Brian said.  He was not really surprised at Lindsay's reaction, but it still made him mad.  Gus was a boy who liked to try things.  It was better to try them in the safety of his father's view, than to do some of the things that Brian did as a boy when he was Gus' age.  He remembered climbing trees when he was Gus' age. And there were no mats underneath to catch him if he fell.  

 

"I trust you to be safe with him.  I don't know if I can continue to let him spend time with you if you let him do things like that," Lindsay said.  "Really, Brian, you're supposed to be a role model and letting him on the ropes course is dangerous."

 

"Lindsay, he was perfectly safe doing that.  Like I said, I'm sure the city would close them down if people were getting hurt.  They must pay a fortune in liability insurance,'  Brian said.  He was seething at her comments.  If she was balking at Gus participating in a ropes course at a secure museum, he could just imagine what she would do when she found out about his AA attendance.  He was thankful that he had already started the process for the courts to guarantee his access to Gus.  He had enjoyed the outing with Gus and Justin, and was already planning on asking Lindsay about next week.

 

Lindsay sighed.  "Well, you do have a point," she said as she took a tuft of blonde hair and wrapped it around her ear.  "Still, you don't want to give him wild ideas by taking him to places like that."

 

Before Brian could respond to Lindsay's mini meltdown, Gus called from upstairs, "Dad, I'm ready for bed.  Will you come say goodbye?"  Gus liked the time right before bed that he spent with his dad.  His moms would tell him to go to bed and he would be responsible for brushing his teeth, putting out his clothes for the next day, and reading a little before falling asleep.  When he was with his dad, he and his father always reviewed the highlights of the day and talked for a few moments about their next time together.  

 

"Coming, Gus," Brian said.  "I'll be back down in a bit," he told Lindsay, insinuating that their talk was not over.

 

Brian went upstairs and sat on the edge of Gus' bed. "I had a lot of fun today.  Justin was really nice to show me some pointers with your camera.  Do you think I could get my own phone to practice?"

 

Brian smiled.  "I'm glad that you liked Justin.  He's helped me a lot.  I'll look for a phone this week."

 

"Did you ask mom about next weekend?  I'd really like to practice with my new phone and I think Justin would come up with some cool places."

 

"I didn't get a chance to ask your mom, but I will when I go back downstairs.  Time for you to go to sleep.  I'll see you tomorrow evening at Deb's.  Remember, no telling about the test or Justin," Brian said, reminding Gus about their secret.

 

Gus made a gesture with tight lips and his thumb and forefinger running across his mouth. Brian smiled and leaned over to kiss his son good night.

 

Brian went back down to the living room where Lindsay was sitting with a cup of tea.  Brian sat down, but before he talked to Lindsay, he took some deep breaths to calm his anger.

 

"We had such a great time today, I would like to have Gus again next weekend.  I told him we would go back to the Science Center so he could visit the rest of the exhibits.  He really enjoyed it."

 

"That's great, Brian.  Usually you're busy and can't spend more than one weekend a month with him.  Is everything at work okay? You're not in trouble with your accounts?" She asked innocently, but in the back of her mind she was worried that if his business was in trouble, it might impact her ability to get money from Brian.  

 

"No, work is great.  I just enjoy spending time with Gus.  He's a great kid," Brian said.  He didn't want her to get a hint that things were getting ready to change.  

 

"Well, sure.  I guess it would be fine.  I actually have an art fair to attend next Saturday and was worried about taking Gus as he doesn't seem to like them.  That would work out great," Lindsay said.

 

"I'm sure you have to go so you can get ready for a night out at Babylon.  I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at Deb's."

 

Brian walked to the door and let himself out.  As he walked to the car, he realized it was too late to go to a meeting tonight.  He wasn't really tempted to drink but Lindsay's words made him angry.  Gus was his son and he would never jeopardize his safety.  That was the whole reason that he stopped drinking.  Of course, Lindsay's reaction to the ropes course strengthened his fears that she would try to use his sobriety to keep Gus away from him.  He was glad that he had started the legal process.

 

After getting into his car, he realized he was at a loss for what to do with the remainder of his evening.  It was only 9:00 pm, too early to turn in for the night, and he didn't want to call Justin again. He had bothered him last night.  Tonight, he was just at loose ends and needed to entertain himself.  He stopped in a parking lot and decided to call Ted.

 

"Hello, Brian.  Everything okay?"

 

"Fine.  I was wondering if I could come over?"  Brian asked, feeling like a kid asking for permission to visit a friend.  

 

"Sure.  We just finished watching "Figaro" on PBS. They do a fabulous job of making the audience feel like you are right there in the theatre."

 

"Okay.  I just dropped off Gus so I'm about 20 minutes away.  Thanks."

 

Ted hung up the phone and placed it on the coffee table.  "That was Brian.  He asked if he could come over?  Sorry," he said as he turned toward Blake.

 

"He's your friend, Ted.  I like Brian and I know he's probably hitting a wall right now.  He's been sober for about two months and I'm sure he needs someone to talk to," Blake said.  "I'll go make some coffee.  I'd offer to go buy some dessert, but from what you say, Brian is not really the dessert type."

 

Ted had not had a lot of time to talk to Brian at the office.  He was curious about what happened a few nights ago to make Brian change his mind about Babylon, but knew better than to ask.  He straightened the living room, fluffing the pillows, and taking a few random coffee cups and plates to the kitchen.  While this was his home, he wanted to make it as neat as Brian's office.  He knew what a stickler Brian was for order.  He told Alexa to play some soft Jazz and he finished his cup of tea.  Just as the coffee finished brewing, there was a knock on the door and Ted looked out the peephole to verify it was Brian.

 

Opening the door, he hugged his friend.  "Hi Bri," he said as he motioned for him to enter their living room.  "Blake just made a fresh pot of coffee.  Do you want some?"

 

The mention of coffee made Brian think of Justin and their ongoing comments about the coffee at the AA meetings.  "Coffee sounds great.  I'm sure it will be better than the crap they have at AA.  Tell me Theodore, did they have bad coffee when you attended AA, or did you attend any of those meetings since you entered rehab?"

 

Blake brought out a tray with several mugs of coffee on it. There was a little container of creamer and numerous packets of sugar, Splenda, and Stevia.  Brain picked up one of the mugs and tore open 3 packets of sugar, dumping them in the mug.  Picking up a spoon, he stirred the drink and drank it.  "Much better than AA."

 

"Brian, I'm sure that you did not come here to evaluate the kind of coffee we have,"  Ted said, not directly asking what brought his friend to their home.  

 

"Last night Emmett came over and made pizza with Gus.  After I put Gus to bed I told him about my aborted visit to Babylon.  I thought it would be good to explain the situation to you too."

 

"Brian, you don't owe me an explanation.  You changed your mind.  That is good enough for me.  When and if you are ready again, I'll be there if you want me," Ted said.

 

"Okay,"  Brian said, glad that Ted had offered to be his wingman again, if and when he needed it.  He didn't feel the need to really go into why he changed his mind.  He thought that was possibly due to the fact that Ted had completed a similar journey.

 

"I took Gus today for his DNA test and then we met my sponsor.  He had suggested that I start to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I know you said something similar but I guess I wasn't ready at that time."

 

"You met your sponsor.  Was Gus with you?"  Ted asked, wanting to keep his questions simple, not wanting to put Brian on the defensive but eager for answers.

 

"Yes, Gus was with me.  We went to the Incline and then to the Science Center.  Justin, my sponsor,  seemed to hit it off with Gus, showing him how to take pictures with my camera."  Brian took another sip of his coffee.  "By the way, I need you to figure out what phone has the best camera.  I promised Gus to get him a phone so he could take pictures when we're out."  

 

"I can do that.  There are a bunch of great cameras on phones these days," Ted said.

 

"Anyway, we had a great time, but when I took him to Lindsay's, she practically threatened to limit my access to Gus when she heard that I took him to the ropes course at the Science Center.  She went on and on about it being dangerous and how I shouldn't encourage him to do dangerous things, etc."

 

"She is pretty protective," Blake said, having seen her parenting style at the Sunday dinners.

 

"If she is threatening my access over a stupid ropes course, what will she do when she finds out about AA?"

 

"Brian, that is why you have a lawyer.  Based on what you told me, the law is on your side.  You have as much right to take him where you want as she does," Ted said.  

 

"Driving over here, I started thinking about all the possibilities.  What if the court doesn't guarantee me access to Gus?  All that I've done toward sobriety will be for nothing."

 

Ted felt badly for his friend.  He knew what it was like to work really hard for something and fear that it would not happen.  When he'd been in treatment for his drug addiction, he'd wanted to have a purpose in life.  He'd been fired from his job, hurt his back and really had nothing positive in his life.  He'd literally hit bottom, but he'd wanted to make a better life for himself, so he applied all his energy to recovery and when he looked at his life today, his addiction almost seemed like a bad dream. "Brian, let's look at this.  How do you feel these days?"  He asked, wanting to help his friend see the positive changes in his life in the last two months.

 

"Good.  I sleep better and I don't feel like I was run over by a truck when I get up in the morning."

 

Ted nodded his head in understanding.  He could still remember waking up from a night of bingeing and feeling like every bone in his body was sore and had been beat up.  He wondered why he continued to use when he felt so bad.  "I remember that feeling.  I would wake up feeling bad and then I'd find some drugs to make me feel better.  A pretty vicious cycle."

 

Brian nodded in agreement.  Ted asked, "What time are you getting to work and what time are you leaving for home?"

 

"I get there about 8:00 or 8:30.  But now, I'm actually ready to work right away.  I think when I was drinking, I was probably still hung over from the drugs and alcohol.  It was 10:00 or 11:00 easily, before my mind was clear enough to think."

 

"And when do you leave?"

 

"Usually about 5:30.  I try to make a 7:00 meeting every night."  As Brian answered Ted's questions he realizes where Ted is leading him. "But it's not a big deal to leave that early since I'm more productive when I'm at work."

 

"So let's recount this." Ted held out his hand and tapped his index finger on his right hand as he said the number 1.   "1.  You sleep better" He tapped his middle finger next.  "2. You are at work earlier and leave earlier." He then tapped his ring finger with the index finger from his left hand.  "3.  You're more productive at work.  And let's not forget that you are starting to investigate some things you can do in your free time.  I'd call all those things a win," Ted said as he smiles at his boss.

 

"But I'm doing it for Gus, and if Lindsay..." Brian starts in again.

 

"Brian.  You told me that the lawyer said that the law is on your side.  No one in their right mind can deny that Gus is your son.  The DNA test is just a formality."

 

"True," Brian said.

 

"So, let's start this conversation again.  What are you really worried about?" Ted asked.  He had reviewed all the positive things that had been happening with his friend, but he knew that there was more going on in Brian's head.

 

"So many things constantly go through my head, Ted.  I call them my hamsters and I swear there are always three or four of them running around trying to get my attention," Brian said, admitting for the first time that he was constantly thinking a lot about the changes in his life.

 

"Tell me," Blake said.  He had heard many clients hit the same rough patch.  Things were going well with their sobriety, but then the reality that life has to change finally hits and they are scared.

 

"Right now I'm sober and not going to Babylon, but will I be okay with that arrangement permanently?  If I don't go back to Babylon, what am I going to do with my time, my evenings, my weekends?"  

 

Blake nodded his head in understanding, and said, "What else?  It seems that there is more."

 

"Even if I guarantee my access to Gus, will he want to spend time with me or will he get bored?  What is the family going to think when I tell them about AA?  Will my friendship with Mikey ever be the same since he can't seem to wrap around his head that I don't want to drink?  And those are just the tip of the iceberg,"  Brian said,  He leaned back onto the couch cushions and closed his eyes.  While he and Justin had been talking after every AA meeting, he was still left to process the information and figure out what he ultimately wanted to do.  

 

"I've got a routine now.  Get up, go to work, and then to a meeting.  On weekends, I go to the gym, run errands and go to meetings.  I can't see past tomorrow, and sometimes not even past the end of today."

Brian stood up and walked the room, going to the kitchen and pouring another cup of coffee.  Finding the packets of sugar on the counter, he emptied three in his mug and returned to the living room.  

 

"I should go.  Just because I'm unable to figure out my life, doesn't mean that I should ruin your Saturday night,"  Brian put down the coffee mug and stood up to leave.

 

"Brian, sit," Ted said in a very stern voice.  "This is all very normal.  There is a reason why AA tells people not to make too many changes in the first six months of their journey."

 

"Okay, so I'm normal.  That doesn't help the damn hamsters in my head."

 

"Brian, you've got to give yourself time.  Your sponsor was right.  You have to figure out who you are and what you want before you can revamp your life.  You've been drinking at Babylon and Woody's since before you were actually legal to do so.  You've only been sober for 2 months."

 

"Time," Brian waved his hand. "What the fuck does that mean?  I have to wait until I've been clean for x number of months before I can figure this shit out?"

 

"No, Brian. There isn't any special formula that says x number of months.  You've been drinking for over 12 years; two months is not nearly enough time to figure out your life.  Go to meetings, explore like your sponsor suggested, learn what makes you happy besides alcohol.  Rome wasn't built in a day and you are not going to reinvent yourself in two months."

 

"Are you fucking telling me that I have to do this shit for awhile?  Tell me, Theodore, how the fuck did you do it?"

 

"One day at a time.  You set yourself a daily goal and then one day you'll wake up and realize that you've changed.  The life you're leading isn't the life you lead for 12 years.  I can't tell you how long it will take, but I can guarantee that if you work the steps and attend the meetings and do the work, it will happen," Ted said.  He reached out to pat Blake's knee and give it a little squeeze.

 

"Like you, I wanted an instant fix.  I wanted to be liked and have someone who cared for me.  I was tired of going to Bablon and getting rejected every night.  I got sober and I figured out who Ted Schmidt really was.  When I allowed my true self to come through, I was ready for Blake," Ted said.

 

"Ted, I'm not looking to date.  I can't see me like that," Brian said.

 

"I never said you had to date or get married, Bri.  I'm just talking about surrounding yourself with people who you like being with, and who aren't judging you or pushing you to be a certain way."

 

"Okay.  One day at a time.  Shit. That seems so trite.  I guess if I look at where I was 2 months ago and where I am now, my life has changed.  Maybe I'll start marking a fucking calendar," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

 

"Whatever works for you, Bri.  There is no magic formula or potion.  If there was, there wouldn't be a need for AA.  People have a lot of baggage that they need to figure out before they can be successful.  I know you will do it and I will help in any way that I can," Ted said as he stifled a yawn.

 

"I better go and let you get some sleep.  Will you be at Deb's tomorrow?"

 

"Sure. Are you coming?"

 

"I'll be there.  I told Gus he couldn't tell anyone about my sponsor or the DNA test.  My presence will help him remember.  Not that I don't trust him, but ...."

 

"I get it, Brian.  You'll get through tonight and tomorrow and the next day."

 

"Night,' Brian said as he got up to give his friend a hug.  He shook Blake's hand and walked to the door.

 

"One day at a time. Seems so obvious."

 

He drove home and got ready for bed.  While it was early for a Saturday night, he was tired.  As he lay down in his bed, his mind reviewed his conversation with Ted. ‘Maybe he's right. One day is all I can think about. Tomorrow, the hamsters will have more time to run around and bother me.'


TBC



 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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