He got in his car and looked at his phone to see the list of meetings and their location.  The meeting for that day was about 20 minutes away and started at 7:30. He didn't have time to stop for food, but he knew Justin would have already honed in on the local cuisine and he could eat afterward as they shared their proverbial coffee.  He didn't allow himself to think about his plans for dinner. He arrived a little after 7:00 and spotted the familiar blond head in the small group of people that were congregating by the traditional coffee table.

"Hey," Brian said as he grabbed a bottle of water instead of coffee.  He could smell the coffee, its aroma was pleasant.

"Hi.  Have a good day?"  Justin smiled at Brian, happy to see him.  It had been about two weeks since Brian had started coming to meetings and Justin always looked forward to helping him in his journey.  Being a sponsor had a dual role; helping the newly sober individual and it also helped the sponsor as they worked through the higher steps of the program.

"Actually, I had a very good day.  Maybe there is something to this sobriety thing, after all,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. He opened his bottle and took a long drink, not realizing how thirsty he was from all the talking he'd been doing over the last few hours.

"Everyone, let's sit down and get started," said a tall woman dressed in faded blue jeans and a t-shirt with the Pittsburgh Steelers logo on it.  She had dark brown hair, pulled into a casual pony-tail that made her appear young. Her voice had the familiar rasp that was common with people who smoked a lot.  While Brian's initial thought would have been that the speaker couldn't possibly have knowledge that would benefit him; he had learned that meetings always gave him something to think about.  He turned his head toward the speaker, putting his entire focus on her.  

All the participants sat in a circle and looked toward the speaker.  "Anyone new here tonight?" She asked, looking around the room at the participants.  When no one raised their hand, she said, "Welcome. I'm Teri and I'm going to be the leader for tonight.  Tonight's topic is Inadequacy."

Teri stopped talking while she looked around at the members.  She noticed a few nodding heads and was pleased that all eyes were on her.  "Why do we drink? If you ask anyone in this room why they drink, you would most likely get a different answer from every participant.  However, I'm going to dig a little deeper into the answer and state that everyone here drinks to avoid contact with others. We drink to avoid socialization with other people and to hide the knowledge from ourselves and others that we are unworthy of other people's friendships or love."

Several people in the group started murmuring to each other and she waited until the small conversations died down.  "I'm not here to psychoanalyze any of you and I don't hold a degree in any sort of therapy, but I stand by my statement.  I encourage each of you to ask yourself how many of you were told you were unworthy?" She didn't expect people to raise their hands as if they were in a classroom, but she did see quite a few nodding heads.  "Were you told by a school counselor that you wouldn't amount to anything? Or maybe it was a parent who constantly belittled you? Maybe it was a boss or some of your so-called friends or classmates?" Teri had been leading groups for over 3 years and understood that pausing frequently allowed the attendees to process the words.  When the leaders of the group talked for more than a minute or two, their words didn't have time to really penetrate the listener's minds. She glanced around the small circle and saw that all the heads were turned toward her. "How many of you feel that you are worthy of happiness? People in our lives have failed us and we don't think we deserve happiness.  We have turned to liquor to manage our pain and our supposed inadequacies. Once we took the step to stop drinking, we are faced with a life where we still question ourselves and our worth." Teri decided that this introduction was sufficient to instigate meaningful conversation. She remembered the first time she heard those ideas spoken at a meeting and was astounded and amazed.  She had always believed that she was the only one in the world that had that experience. She didn't think she deserved to be happy or that anyone really cared about her.  

"I started drinking when my father kicked me out.  He found out I was gay and said that no son of his could be gay.  I either quit being gay or leave," Justin said, remembering the night as if it happened yesterday.  The scathing words coming out of his father's mouth, as well as the slap on his face, were still fresh in his mind.  He put his hand to his face as if it happened just a moment ago, rather than over four years ago. It still stung, even though he told himself that his father never cared for him. 

"So you felt that you weren't worthy of his love and used liquor to escape," Teri said.  She wanted to connect his statement to her opening one.

Justin nodded his head, refusing to acknowledge the hurt his father's rejection had wrought on his life.

"Hi, I'm John.  I was the class clown.  Everybody laughed at my antics, but no one wanted to be my friend.  I started drinking in high school; then I became the cool guy," said the man sitting next to Justin.  He was wearing a button-down blue shirt and khakis. He ran his left hand through his dark brown hair, pushing it out of his eyes.  

"Drinking made you cool.  Your classmates didn't connect with you when you were the class cut up so you found a different way to make friends,"  another man commented. "I'm Calvin and I understand. I have problems writing, you know getting my thoughts down on paper.  My teachers always told me that I needed to try harder. My kid, Sam, has the same problem but the teachers in his school tell me he has a learning problem and they've been working with him.  He's been doing a lot better. If only someone had done that for me...." Calvin didn't continue his statement, hoping the group understood the unspoken words.  

‘Hi, I'm Brian.  My dad told me I should have been aborted since I wasn't wanted.  And then, since I was obviously born, he used me as his personal punching bag," Brian said.  This was the first time he'd felt compelled to add a comment to the meeting. He'd been told all his life that he wasn't wanted, but when he drank he tried to forget that no one cared. The words felt foreign to his ears as he had never admitted the power that they had when his father said them. His stomach clenched as he remembered the feeling he used to get as a young boy when his father said those words.  He heard the yelling of the angry man as he spouted his vitriol aimed at his unwanted offspring. It took all of his willpower to not place his hands over his ears as he did as a young boy and teen as he tried to block the words coming out of his father's mouth.

Justin was both pleased and surprised that Brian had spoken.  He wanted to comment on the disclosure but refrained. Turning his attention back to the meeting, he glanced around the circle seeing who would talk next.

Several other members of the group added their comments and shared their thoughts.  It was getting close to 8:45 and Teri spoke again, "It seems that everyone can relate to our topic tonight.  But, let's take it a little further. Hiding in a bottle may have helped us feel wanted or helped us hide from our pain, but now that we are not drinking, we have to begin to love ourselves and recognize our self-worth.  We would not have had the courage to walk through that door if we were still drinking." Teri pointed toward the door in the back of the room and watched as most people looked toward the door and nodded. "We wanted to stop hurting, stop feeling that we were unworthy.  Our decision to stop drinking was the first step to feeling worthy. We wanted a better life and decided that we deserved one. Everyone has something to share. Thanks for attending and as always coffee is in the back as well as the contribution jar." She smiled and made eye contact briefly with all the participants in the meeting.  

The people talked among themselves for several minutes and then moved toward the back table where the contribution jar and the coffee were located.  Brian did not move from his seat.

"Powerful talk tonight," Justin commented.  He wanted to help Brian process the content. He was pleased to see that Brian had participated as that was important to his journey.  When someone talked at a meeting, it meant that they were exploring their thoughts and open to working the steps. He knew that Brian had been listening to the content at the meetings as evidenced by their post-meeting conversations.  

"Do you really believe that everyone drinks because they don't feel they are loved?" Brian asked, his voice expressing his skepticism.  "Come on, there are a lot of people who are real jerks. Based on that explanation, there should be a lot of alcoholics out there." Brian had obviously been mulling over the content of the discussion.

"There are a lot of alcoholics out there.  But I think Teri's point is that alcoholics don't feel worthy of love.  They have heard that they are worthless, unwanted or in my case, not my father's ideal son, so his love wasn't available anymore."  Justin's heart hurt at the thought of his father, but he had learned that he had value despite the man's rejection.

"When he kicked me out, I didn't feel like I had anything of value to offer.  He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. I turned toward the bottle so I didn't have to feel the hurt and rejection."

"So you're saying that all alcoholics feel unworthy and turn to the bottle for condolence.  They can control the bottle, or at least they think they can. They can't control the world's thoughts about them.  But then, they realize that drinking isn't the solution; it doesn't make the pain go away," Brian said as he mulled over Justin's words and the statements of the participants in the meeting.

"Yes.  Loving oneself and giving yourself permission to feel good about yourself is one of the hardest things to do.  But if you want to be successful in this journey, you've got to find a way to accept yourself and not hide in the bottle,"  Justin said as he remembered his early sobriety journey. Justin looked toward the back table and saw that most of the participants had left the hall.   "Let's continue this at the diner. I'm starving and didn't have time to eat."

"Okay,"  Brian said and followed Justin to the coffee table where they each made a donation before leaving the room.  

"You drive.  I remember the place we went to last week had for shit parking," Brian said.  

Justin nodded and pointed to where he'd parked his car.  "Brian, by coming to your first meeting, you unconsciously decided you were worth something.  You've told me you want to be in Gus's life. That means that you are important to him and him to you."

"Okay.  You do have a good memory.  Gus is the reason I'm here. But how does that translate to keeping myself out of the bottle?  If you ask Mikey or Lindsey, or any of the people I hang out with, I'm an asshole." The words flowed easily out of his mouth, half-joking, half-serious.  He had heard the words so many times that their meaning had become a part of his persona.  

Justin stopped in front of his car and turned toward Brian, "Are you an asshole or is that just a persona you put on to protect yourself from being hurt?  You willingly stopped drinking to protect your son. That doesn't sound like an asshole to me," Justin said, challenging Brian's statement. He wasn't aware that Brian's friends called him an asshole to his face.  It was no wonder that the man felt unworthy or unloved. He hoped he could change Brian's feelings about himself to one of worthiness and hopefully love. It was important to love yourself; otherwise, you had limited love to share with others.  

Instead of responding, Brian got in the car, shut the door and put on his seatbelt.  Justin did the same and drove the few blocks to the small diner. They entered and just like last time, Brian felt a sense of deja vu.  If he closed his eyes, it felt just like Liberty Diner He was glad it wasn't Liberty Diner as he would never consider talking about himself there.  He was always amazed that he opened up so much with Justin, but Justin was easy to talk to and did not judge him. 

After they ordered, Justin picked up the conversation where they left off, hoping Brian was still willing to talk.  "You said earlier that all your friends think your an asshole. Why?"

"Because I only care about me.  I come late to get-togethers at Debbie's and I pick up a lot of tricks.  They just accept that this is who I am but they tell me that I'm an asshole," Brian said.

"But if you were such an asshole, why did Lindsay want you as the father of her child?  I can't imagine she would want an asshole for its father," Justin asked, but he was trying to get Brian to see his worth.  He realized he really didn't know if Brian was "the asshole" that he proclaimed to be, but he doubted that was really the case.  No one who was an asshole would go to the time and trouble that Brian had. If he was such an "asshole" like he proclaimed, he would not care about his child and having continued access to him.  

"She wanted to marry me. Remember, I told you about that.  Having me as the sperm donor got her as close as she could get,"  Brian said, explaining the arrangement again. Brian thought about their time together in college; his willingness to pose as her beard so she could save face with her family and the few times they actually slept together.  He'd regretted his role in her ruse, but when it eventually resulted in his participation in her desire for a child, he was happy with the results. He hadn't thought he would want to be involved with the child and had originally sabotaged Lindsay's requests to visit.  However, somewhere along the way, he stopped avoiding Gus and now admitted that Gus was the reason he was contemplating changing his life.  

"Still doesn't make sense,  Brian, if she really thought you were an asshole, she would not have wanted to marry you or be the father of her child.  Also, if she really thought you were an asshole, she would most likely not let you spend time with Gus," Justin said, trying to get Brian to see the error in his thinking.  

"I guess that is true,"  Brian said. "Lindsay is fickle, but she loves Gus and wouldn't want him hurt."

"I'm not sure about your friend, Michael.  It seems to me that he sees you as his validation for living.   I guess even in his eyes you are valuable. He ties his self worth to you.  That is pretty impressive and appears to me that he values you as a friend."

Brian was amazed at the accuracy of Justin's evaluations, especially since he had never met his friends and could only go by what Brian told him.  "Yeah, Michael thinks I am perfect. His motto is "I'm Brian's best friend". That about sums up his role in life. Deb thinks Michael can do no wrong and any time he screws up blames it on me.  Since I'm the responsible one, I get blamed for any problem he has. I'm surprised that he hasn't succumbed to life inside of a bottle. He thinks he is the world's best friend and can do no wrong."  Brian started thinking about how Justin's presence at Babylon might change his impression of him. Brian was in his element, his playground when he was there. He hoped that he wouldn't disappoint Justin.  He would hate for Justin to judge him unworthy. He wondered when he started worrying about what people, especially Justin, thought about him. The waitress brought their waters and silverware. They both drank the cool liquid quickly and the waitress refilled it a few minutes later. At that hour of the night, there were few patrons.  

"As for your other friends, I've never met them, but I wonder about them too.  You told me that Ted, your accountant has supported you in your journey with sobriety.  He encouraged you to attend a meeting and get a sponsor. Someone who doesn't see you as valuable and worthwhile wouldn't bother with their encouragement."

"Ted is a good friend.  I called him last night after I got home.  I started questioning why I still had liquor in my house, just like you asked me."  Brian took the water glass in his hand and twirled it, leaving a wet mark on the table.  "He came over and helped me pour it out. It was almost 10:00 when I called, pretty late for a work night, but he came.  No questions asked. He didn't ask if I needed or wanted him to come, he just said he was coming." Brian replayed the call in his mind and remembered the relief he felt when Ted said he was coming over.  "He even offered to stay on the phone with me while he drove over.... In case I was tempted before he got there." Brian had intended to tell Justin about last night. He was really proud of himself for taking that step.  But he hadn't expected to tell him like that. He had it all planned out in his head, what he would say and how he would broach the subject. But as the saying goes, ‘the best-laid plans of mice and men'.  

Justin smiled a megawatt smile and patted Brian on the back.  "I'm proud of you. Ted obviously doesn't think you are an asshole and considers you a friend.  If he didn't, he would not have come out that late. Friendship, by definition, requires back and forth reciprocity."  

"I'm his boss," Brian said in defense, trying to downplay his actions. He had been really proud of himself and his willingness to throw away the liquor. When he started to talk about the event, he wanted to backpedal, trying to maintain his vision of himself as unloveable, unworthy. 

"Yes, but as an employee, he wouldn't need to volunteer to come to pour out your liquor. Brian, he thinks you are worth his time.  Lindsay thinks you are good father material. Deb thinks you belong in her ‘family'. They all care about you."

Brian listened and heard Justin's words. He did have people that thought he was worthy.  

"But, how do I believe that I'm worthy?"  Brian asked, genuinely wanting a magic formula, a road map, something to guide him in his journey.

Justin wanted to shout from the rooftops.  He had gotten past Brian's walls. Brian had finally asked the ultimate question.  How can he believe he is worthy? This was the breakthrough that he'd hoped would come.  Before Brian could rebuild his life, he had to believe that he had something to offer. 

The waitress brought their food and both men started to eat.  This gave Justin some much needed time to formulate his answer.  

TBC