As Michael talked Brian's mind was able to complete some of his half formed thoughts in a manner of minutes.  I could tell Michael the truth, but if I did it now, the repercussions could be enormous.  Michael doesn't know how to keep a secret and often doesn't think before he speaks. He would just share the news that I'm going to AA to anyone and everyone that he met on Liberty Avenue or at the diner. He wouldn't think of the impact this information could have on my life.  It would give him some gossip to share and he would feel important for the few minutes that people would talk about "my downfall". He would have his 15 minutes of fame. Michael has a difficult time seeing the big picture or how his actions affect others. I have to protect me and my relationship with Gus more than I need to tell Michael the truth at this point in time.    

I want to talk to the lawyer about Gus and see what my rights are.  If Lindsay found out before I've accomplished that task, I'm fearful she would cut off my access to Gus.  The longer I don't have access to Gus, the more I might question if sobriety is worth it. After all, Gus was a huge part of why I contemplated and decided to seek sobriety.  I was scared when I walked away from the accident that totaled my car, but knowing that Gus could have been with me was even more frightening.  

It's imperative that I have my rights safeguarded before Lindsay finds out about my AA attendance.  She knows me well enough to put two and two together. She would realize that something significant happened that resulted in my decision to attend AA.  She understands that I don't make rash decisions. Everything I do is well thought out and the consequences weighed before I make major changes. She would see my attendance at AA as a major change and she would extrapolate that there was more to the decision than a desire to be sober. Accidents are public record and Melanie, Lindsay's she wolf, would quickly hunt down the accident report and potentially use it against me and limit my visitation with Gus.  I can't allow that to happen. There is more at stake than Michael knowing about my sobriety journey.

"Ted brought me some paperwork to sign and found me cleaning house.  The beer in the cabinet was out of date and I know how you complain about flat beer.  Although, I really don't know how you claim to know the difference. It's all disgusting, if you ask me.  Anyway, I was throwing it away and Ted came into the kitchen to talk about a business meeting we have early in the morning.  Some concerns about it came up after I left the office this afternoon. He was just filling me in. I've got an early presentation tomorrow and I still have work to do on it, so you'll just have to go by yourself.  I'll walk you out and make sure the door locks. Definitely wouldn't want some stranger walking in on me in mid fuck," Brian said, tongue in cheek. Brian walked toward the door while Ted stayed in the kitchen.  

Michael stood at the doorway and said, "But Briannnnn, it's been forever since you've been to Babylon, you don't have to stay long.  Just one drink and I'll let you go home," Michael pleaded.

"Mikey, you are not my mother, and I don't need your permission to leave Babylon.  I'll come and go as I please. But right now, I have a business to run and an important meeting in the morning.  Now run along and go spend the evening with your hubby or go to Babylon and pick up a few tricks for me." Brian practically pushed Michael out of the loft and quickly closed the door, making sure that the lock was set.

He turned toward Ted and said, "I think we have some Beam to pour down the drain."   Brian went to the sink, opened the half full bottle and poured it down the drain. He opened the remaining bottle and did the same.  "Well, now my sponsor will be happy," Brian smiled and looked at Ted.

"Brian, sure your sponsor will be happy, but you shouldn't do this for your sponsor. Sobriety should be for you and only you," Ted said.  He decided that he needed to put away the friend persona and don the recovering addict voice. "Why did you decide today that you needed to get rid of the liquor?  Your accident was over three weeks ago and to my knowledge you haven't drank since that time." Ted didn't want to stand by the sink to have this conversation; he wanted to look at Brian and watch his body language.  As sophisticated as Brian was at communication, his body still told a lot more about his thoughts than he realized. He walked toward the living room where the Rococo white leather sofa was the centerpiece of the room.  There was a contrasting leather Rococo chair to the right of the sofa and a Swedish Rococo coffee table in front of it. There was a 60 inch mounted television on the wall facing the sofa so that Brian could view it head on.  The liquor cabinet was in the corner immediately to the right of the door. The furniture was stark and Ted often thought Brian's home felt impersonal. But this was not the time to discuss Brian's decorating taste. He'd been called by his boss and close friend to help him in an important task in his journey to sobriety, and now he wanted to help him by talking about his actions.  He knew Brian didn't share feelings, but Ted also knew that sharing was an important part of recovery. "Let's sit down." he motioned to the couch and walked toward it, sitting down and hoping Brian would follow.

Brian opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water before joining Ted in the living room.  He handed Ted the water and a coaster.  

"No, I haven't had anything to drink since the accident, but tonight when I came home from AA, I gravitated toward the bar as soon as I walked in the room."  Brian looked at his liquor cabinet. The doors were closed so the contents were hidden. He knew the cabinet was empty and that made him slightly uneasy.  

"I realized that my sponsor was right.  I guess I never thought about getting rid of the liquor in my house.  I associated drinking with going to Babylon and Woody's so I've stayed away from those places."  Brian's eyes got a faraway look as heard the familiar thumpa thumpa and smelled the hot sweat as it dripped off the male bodies as they danced to the music.  He quickly brought his attention back to Ted. "Justin, he's my sponsor, pointed out that there is liquor everywhere and I couldn't be like Rapunzel and lock myself in a tower to keep myself away from liquor.  There is liquor in the grocery store, in the restaurant where I entertain clients, and even at the soccer field where Gus plays." Brian quickly remembered that he had been at Gus' soccer game prior to wrapping his car around the tree.  He shuddered at the thought as he remembered walking away from the accident; unscathed, but shaken to his core. "I can't really go anywhere that doesn't have liquor. But when I talked about the liquor in my house, he asked why I had it there.  Choosing not to drink at Woody's or Babylon or at Gus' soccer game might be hard but just because it is there doesn't mean that I have to drink it. It's different at home. I put it there. If it isn't there then there is no way to drink it. If I want a drink I would have to go somewhere to get it."  Brian twisted the cap off his bottle of water and took a long drink. Talking made him thirsty. He loved giving a pitch but sharing feelings and his thoughts was new to him. One of those half-formed thoughts that he had been struggling with in the last few days was dealing with his feelings. He hadn't talked to Justin about it, but he was beginning to realize that drinking was a way to avoid people and his feelings.  It was much easier to drown his bad days, or celebrate his good ones, with liquor than to talk about them He'd always thought talking and sharing was for Lesbians but he was beginning to understand that talking could be beneficial.

"I realized that keeping liquor here was not being true to my sobriety.  If I truly am going to give up drinking, there was no reason to have it in my home.  Having the bottles in my home and not drinking them was my way of still denying there was a problem.  If I could keep liquor in my home and not drink it, then I wasn't an alcoholic." Brian grinned and looked at Ted for the first time since they sat down.  He watched for his reaction, hoping that Ted wouldn't judge his actions.  

"That's pretty common.  Admitting you are an alcoholic or addict is rough.  No one wants to admit they have problems and that this is something that they are unable to manage by themselves.  You are always helping others and never ask for anything," Ted said as he nodded his head in agreement. "I imagine you have read the 12 steps to sobriety.  Admitting that you have a problem is the first step. Telling someone that you want to drink, or have a slip up and drank is okay, too. I'm glad you called tonight. I'm here if you ever need me."

Brian said, "Thanks.  Aren't you going to ask me why I didn't explain to Mikey what we were really doing?"  

"If you want to tell me, sure, but you don't owe me an explanation." Ted took several drinks from his water bottle and placed it on the coaster.  He had his suspicions why Brian did what he did but he wasn't going to assume anything

"Gus.  I need to make sure my access to Gus is safeguarded.  I don't want Lindsay finding out about any of this until I'm sure she can't use the information to keep him away from me.  Mikey doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut," Brian said. He felt relieved that he shared his thoughts. 

"That makes sense, but you know he isn't going to give up.  The longer you do not show up at Babylon, the more he is going to show up at your doorstep insisting you come with him,"  Ted said, knowing Michael's habits as well as Brian.  

"I know.  I'm planning on going to Babylon on Thursday.  I'll make sure he knows that I'll be there."

"Thursday?"  Ted asked, curious to know what Brian's thoughts were.  

"I told you what my sponsor said...  I can't avoid alcohol. It's everywhere.  I just have to learn how to control my desire to drink it.  I don't buy liquor everytime I take a client to lunch, even if they have a cocktail, and I don't buy beer every time I go to Gus's soccer game.  It's there and easily accessible but I don't do it. While Babylon has alcohol, I don't have to buy it. You and Blake go and order water or soda.  I could do the same. I'm not going to stay away from Babylon just because I don't drink anymore."

"You're planning on going to Babylon and not drinking or doing drugs.  Brian, that is a tall order. I've watched you. You drink 4 or 5 shots and usually do a tab of E or some other drug.  Do you think that you can go and not drink or do drugs?" Ted hated to be the person who didn't believe in Brian but he knew his friend really well.  Babylon was his playground and asking Brian to come to the playground and just watch would be torture.

"Ted, I know what you are thinking.  I had the same thoughts, and that is why I've avoided going to Babylon.  But my dick is getting really tired of my right hand," Brian said tongue in cheek.  "I used to pick up 3 or 4 guys a night and while I can pick up men anywhere, picking them up at AA is not my choice.  I like the thrill of the hunt; cruising the dance floor and the bar, eyeing the men for just the right combination of lust and talent. Going to Babylon is as much about picking up tricks as it is drinking.  Well for me, they are pretty equal parts, but I find picking up tricks in other places lacking. I do not want to stay away from my playground forever." Brian took a swig from his water bottle and placed it on the coaster. "The stud of Liberty Avenue needs to return to his hunting ground."

Ted listened and nodded his head.  "Okay. I get it. You realize that you are going to have to navigate the world where alcohol is easily available.  You also understand that you can't drink it just because it is there."

"Yes.  I hear the hesitation in your voice and I appreciate you not telling me this is a bad idea or trying to talk me out of it.  But I do have a plan. My sponsor is gay and loves to dance. He hasn't been to the bars in ages and agreed to come with me.  Seeing him will be a big deterrent."

"Your sponsor is coming with you to the bars?"  Ted asked, trying to keep the incredulity out of his voice.  Ted wanted to support his friend, but he also didn't want him to fail.  He listened to Brian without saying anything.  

"I know.  You are probably thinking that a sponsor shouldn't encourage an alcoholic going to a bar.  But it's like this Ted. At our meeting a few nights ago the leader talked about finding activities that you could do with friends that didn't involve drinking.  He was sharing that many people had friends they drank with and that is the only thing they did with those friends. Many people have to develop a whole new circle of friends since the ones they have are only involved in drinking activities.  I explained to Justin that I saw "the gang" outside the bar and that we had significant friendships doing other activities that didn't involve liquor. We eat breakfast most days and oftentimes lunch at the diner. We have family dinner at Debbie's and I spend time with Gus.  These are the same people that I see at the bars but our friendship isn't focused on going to the bars."

"Well that is true.   We do hang out at the bars, but that is not where we always hang out.  We have a whole life outside the bar. So is your sponsor coming to keep tabs on you?  That's not the role of a sponsor."

"No.  One of the leaders of the meeting talked about doing things socially with other AA members.  While I know this is a little unconventional, whoever said I was conventional?" Brain picked up the water bottle and twirled it in his hand and then put it back on the coaster.  "I don't see that staying away from Babylon is going to be a successful strategy for keeping me from drinking. Instead, I've got to figure out a way to go to Babylon and not drink.  I miss my playground," Brian said, the truth in his words very evident by his soft voice and eye contact with his friend.

Ted looked at his friend and saw the sincerity in his face and heard the truth in his words. He knew that Brian went to Babylon and Woodys to pick up tricks and enjoyed the thrill of the hunt.  They were truly his playgrounds. "I can see where you would miss Babylon and Woody's. I imagine picking up tricks at your AA meeting might be very awkward." He picked up the water bottle and twirled it in his hands.  It was empty, but he needed something to concentrate on while he organized his thoughts. "Bri, I understand why you feel you need to do this, but I've watched you at Babylon. The first place you go when you walk in the door is the bar.  You grab a shot or three and then oftentimes you take some E before you survey your playground. If you are planning on doing this, you need a plan."

He wanted Ted's  blessing, even though he didn't need his approval and permission.  "So you don't think I can do this?" Brian wasn't accusatory, but he was not happy about the insinuation of Ted's words.  

"Bri,  I didn't say you couldn't do this; I said you need a plan.   While it's true that you hang out with us at other places besides Babylon, your time at Babylon is really not with the gang.  We are there, but usually watching you or dancing with our partners. When you are at Babylon, you are Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue, not Brian Kinney, friend of Ted, Michael, and Emmett.  We just happen to be there and occasionally interact with you."

Brian listened and nodded his head.  It seemed such an easy thing when he and Justin were talking.  He would go to the bars and dance and stalk his prey, and drinking would not be a part of the experience.  "A plan?"

"One of the things that recovery teaches you is to think about strategies.  As you said, alcohol is everywhere and unless you are going to live in a tower, you have to have a plan on how you are going to handle the easy access.  As much as you want to believe that Babylon is about picking up tricks, I think there is more to it."

"I guess I can't just go in and just pick up tricks.  Mikey would wonder why I'm not drinking and he probably would goad me until I ordered a drink."

"Michael could be a problem.  I know you haven't told him about your sobriety; maybe now would be a good time."  Ted understood Brian's hesitation, but if he wanted to help Brian, he knew he would have to push Brian into looking at all the angles.

"I could tell him, but we talked about why I don't think that is a good idea,"  Brian said.   

"So what is your plan?  How are you going to avoid the bar?"

"What do you and Blake do?"

"We order Seltzer water with lime and don't congregate by the bar.  We prefer to hang by the railing on the second floor or by one of the tables away from the bar.  We avoid going to the bar as much as possible."

"Well, you do have a point, Theodore.   Today is Monday and Thursday is a few days away.  I'll have to figure something out before then," Brian said a little tongue in cheek.  Brian stood up to take the empty bottles to the kitchen and placed them on the counter.  "I'll call the lawyer tomorrow about Gus. Once I'm sure about my rights to Gus, I'll tell Mikey.  Mikey will be a whole other discussion. Emmett and you were great and immediately offered to help in any way you could, but I don't think Mikey is going to have the same response."

"So you will tell Michael after you have confirmed everything with the lawyer.  That is assuming that you can find a lawyer that will be able to tell you something immediately.   If you can't get an answer right away, you need a plan."

Brian brought two more bottles of water out to the living area and handed one to Ted.  "I guess that's why you are an accountant. You like everything in the proper column." He opened his bottle, took a drink and sat down on the chair.  "My plan is Justin. We will come in together and I can ask him to steer me toward the dance floor. After I have danced a few songs, I often go to the bar for a bottle of water.  The bars are hot, especially with all those hot, sweaty men. Mikey won't question my drinking water after dancing." Brian smiled at his solution. "See, I told you I would come up with something."  

"I'll let Blake know we are going to Babylon on Thursday. We will try and distract you too.  I hope for your sake that this is successful," Ted said

"Thanks and I know it will be hard, but when did I ever do easy?"  Brian said tongue in cheek. "Thanks for coming over. I'll see you tomorrow at the office."  

Ted knew when he was being dismissed.  He was somewhat surprised that Brian had shared so much tonight.  He liked the new Brian and hoped that Brian's sobriety brought more into his life than just time with Gus.  

Looking at the clock on the microwave, he saw that it was after 11:00.  He could get online and find a trick but, he didn't have the energy. Throwing out his liquor and talking to Ted was emotionally draining.  He made sure the door was locked and the alarm was set before he undressed and got ready for bed. As he lay down, he couldn't get the visions of him dancing at Babylon with Justin out of his head.  

TBC