Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Justin and Brian talk about Brian's life

 

Sunday morning Brian went to the gym, completed his workout, and then worked at home for a few hours, before it was time to go to the AA meeting.  He'd been attending meetings for a week now, hardly a habit, but he found he was looking forward to the one today.  He'd told Emmett last night about his efforts toward sobriety and Michael had not been pounding on his door this morning demanding entrance and an explanation for the "crazy" idea that Brian was an alcoholic.  Evidently, Emmett could keep a secret.  Brian had expected that Emmett wouldn't share his information but there was always a small chance that he would give in to his need to gossip.

 

Brian thought about the repercussions of telling Emmett and having additional support in his sobriety journey.  All in all, he decided that it might be a way for him to explore a possibly deeper friendship with him. 

He acknowledged that he needed to develop some activities outside of Babylon and Woody's but the thought of hanging with Ted and Blake and listening to Opera didn't quite cut it for him.  Hopefully, Emmett had some secret hobby that Brian could explore. 

 

He arrived at the meeting but didn't spot Justin in the small audience.  He found a seat and sat for a few moments before taking out his phone with the purpose of texting Justin.  Before he could type in his name, Justin sat down next to him. 

 

"Had brunch with my agent and it ran a little long," Justin said. 

 

Brian didn't realize how glad he was that Justin showed up.  Before he could reply the moderator spoke.  "Hi, I'm Sheila.  Thanks for coming today.  Our topic today is love and tolerance.  What does this mean for an alcoholic?  Simply put, it means that we must learn patience and acceptance of people, even though we may be very different.  We must learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves before we can accept others.  Before I became sober, I didn't feel very connected to people.  My family had mostly washed their hands of me as a result of my constant neediness.  I was always needing help; I needed a place to crash since I used my money for alcohol instead of rent, or I needed money to pay for gas to get to work.  I was let go from so many jobs I lost count.  My bosses were tired of dealing with my everyday crises. My managers often told me that I was not worth their time and effort.  But then I landed a job that I thought could really be amazing and my boss pulled me aside to give an ultimatum; get sober or get fired.  I'd been told that message many times, but this time, for some reason, it stuck.  I became sober.  I stayed away from my family for a while, but then started contacting them just to say hi.  I didn't ask for anything and eventually they reopened their arms.  They told me how proud they were of me for getting my life in order and that they loved me.  I'm not sure they had ever told me they loved me before I was sober.  My boss continually praised my work and I got promoted.  Finally, after a long journey, I started to love myself and think I was worthy of people's love and friendship."

 

The other members of the group nodded their head in understanding.  They looked at each other and another member started talking.  "Hi, I'm Susan.  I used to think that everyone I worked with was stupid and incompetent.  When I got sober, I realized that there were some competent people there but since I was often hung over and miserable, I didn't notice their worth."

 

Brian listened and thought about his own office.  He wondered for a few moments how he might come across to his own employees.  He knew he never went to work drunk, but since he was beginning to be honest with himself, he knew that there were many times that he was very hung over when he walked in the door in the morning. He imagined that some employees had opinions about their boss coming to work hung over. 

 

A man who appeared to be in his early 30's spoke next.  "I had few friends when I was drinking.  I thought I had a lot of friends, but then I realized that my friends only wanted to be around me because I was the one who usually bought the booze," Peter said. He was clean shaven and well dressed.  "When I got sober, many of them never called or came by to hang out."

 

Brian thought Peter looked like some type of manager at a bank.  He stopped himself when he realized that he was doing exactly what the speaker had been talking about.  He was judging people without getting to know them.  Maybe there was some merit in the not judging department.  He thought about his relationship with Michael and how Michael frequently told him about his vision for Brian.  ‘You're the stud of Liberty Avenue. You'll always be young and beautiful.'  Brian wondered if he had just allowed Michael to feed him this line as a result of Michael's own insecurities.  Was Michael hanging out with him and living vicariously?  Brian put those questions in his ‘to think about file'.  It seemed that there were more ideas in the file since he'd begun his journey into sobriety.  He was examining his life, his friends, and his activities.  He heard Justin's voice and tuned back into the meeting.

 

"Hi, I'm Justin. I agree that an important part of the journey is loving yourself.  When my dad kicked me out of the house for being gay, I didn't think I was worthy.  I drowned my feelings in a bottle of Vodka.  When I was drunk, I thought everybody liked me," Justin said.

 

Brian knew Justin was gay; Justin had turned him down when he wanted to have sex with him at their first meeting.  He had a difficult time thinking Justin was unworthy as in the short time he'd known him he'd been able to get Brian to open up and share information about his life. Justin appeared very capable of holding his own in the sobriety department and at this point in Brian's life, that was worthy in and of itself.

 

"Hi, I'm Karen.  I used to look in the mirror in the morning and see my bloodshot eyes and pallid skin and ask myself why I did this to my body.  I would then have a little conversation with myself that nobody really cared about me so why should I care about myself.  Then one day I collapsed at work, Pancreatitis."

 

Murmurs of "oh" and "mmm" were heard around the circle. 

 

"Landed me in the hospital and they called my daughter, my emergency contact.  When she got there, she told me that she was pregnant and wanted me to be there for my grandchild but if I continued to drink that wasn't going to happen.  She told me she loved me and wanted me around.  I realized that I was wanted and that I could be an important person in my daughter and grandchild's life.  That was 5 years ago. Now I have a wonderful granddaughter who loves me and a family that I now spend time with regularly," Karen said as she looked around the small circle and smiled at the members who were smiling back while nodding their heads at the positive story.

 

A few more people shared their take on the topic and Brian sat and listened.  Each person who told their story seemed to feel that their lives were better and that their relationships with people had improved once they stopped drinking.  The more he listened, the more his brain went down multiple paths as he explored his own life.

 

"Thank you for coming.  Enjoy the rest of the weekend. As always coffee is in the back and I hope to see everyone next week.  Remember, sobriety is a way of life and we have only one life to live," Sheila said.

 

Brian and Justin walked back to the coffee station and each prepared a Styrofoam cup of coffee.  Without any words, they walked to a corner where they were away from the group.

 

"A big part of recovery is sharing your thoughts and experiences.  You haven't said anything in the group since the first day when you told your story," Justin said.  He blew on his coffee, hoping to cool it down enough so he could take a sip.

 

"I have so many thoughts running through my head, I can't seem to finish one.  I get these thoughts and when I start to follow it to its conclusion, another thought pops up, then when I try to follow it, a third one pops up," Brian said. 

 

"Even if you can't finish the thought, it's still good to share your experiences in the group.  Just talking about events helped me make sense of things in my life," Justin said, and then took a tentative sip of his coffee.  "I do love a good cup of coffee and I think if there was a universal drink, it would be coffee."  Justin smiled and motioned toward the door.  "It's a nice day, do you want to take a short walk?  I often find that talking is easier if I'm doing something else."

 

Brian looked at the clock on the wall and saw the time was 3:15. "Sure, I've already been to the gym and I don't have to be at Deb's until 5:00."

 

They walked outside waiting to talk until they were clear of the group. 

 

"I was watching you during the meeting today and saw you nodding your head in agreement with a lot of the speakers.  From what you've told me, I think you identified with many of the stories," Justin said, not wanting to ask about a specific situation.  He hoped Brian would take the ball and run with it if he couched it in this manner.

 

"Yeah, I did.  I think I identified with almost all of them.  I never got Pancreatitis and my dad didn't kick me out of the house because I was gay, but the other stories, yeah, some of them hit home.  Actually, the part about coming out to my father; that would have been hard to do since I didn't tell him until he was dying. He told me it should have been me dying.  Great guy, wasn't he?"

 

"That's terrible," Justin said, unable to imagine someone telling him that he should be dying instead of themselves.

 

"My father was a drunk and he used to use me as his personal punching bag.  I left home when I graduated high school."  Brian frowned and while Justin was walking next to him, he caught the grimace in the corner of his eye.

 

"There's more to that story," Justin said, encouraging Brian to share information about his early life.  He hoped that sharing would help him see some patterns that he could point out to Brian.  He wanted to help Brian in his journey but needed to understand more of his history to help him identify his triggers for drinking.

 

"The whole love and acceptance are a hard pill to swallow when you're used as a punching bag and money machine."  Brian stopped as they had come to a crosswalk and the light was red.  The streets were not very busy since it was Sunday but there were enough cars that he wasn't going to disobey the traffic signal.

 

"Peter made a comment about friends and buying booze. Well, I must be the poster child for that con.  My dad would come around when I started working.  I'm not really sure how he heard about my success because he sure didn't seem like a guy who would read a newspaper or listen to the news.   He probably heard it from one of his union friends.  Some of those guys actually followed the news or listened to it on the radio or tv.  Anyway, he would show up at my loft, asking me to come to join him at the union hall.  He wanted to show off his successful son to his union buddies.  But every time we would go, he wanted me to buy the booze. That was his way of showing how successful I was.  He would even brag to his buddies that his successful son was now treating his father."

 

"I often wonder why I continued to associate with him.  He beat me up a lot when I was a kid, and I left home at the first opportunity, vowing to never look back. Yet, when he would come around to my loft and ask me to go grab a drink, I'd always say yes.  After the first few times, I knew that it was only to show off how successful I was to his union buddies.  I guess he was trying to prove to himself that he had something to do with my success, which of course was pure bull shit.  But I continued to go and buy his booze and give him money.  What the fuck?" 

 

Brian stopped at the crosswalk and waited for the car to pass through the intersection.  He was slightly amazed that he had shared that information with Justin, practically a stranger, but stopped short of truly analyzing the situation.  Justin had encouraged him to talk about his life.  He knew that Justin was trying to get him to open up and work on his sobriety. For some reason that he wasn't willing to scrutinize too closely, he accepted that telling the truth about his life experience was important in this journey.  He just hoped that he would not have to share all this information with ‘the gang'.  

 

"These days, I buy at least one round of drinks for Michael on any given night.  It's something I've always done.  He just assumes the first round is on me."  Brian paused when he finished the statement.  "I never thought about buying Mikey's drinks in that way.  Another thing to put in the ‘to be thought about file'.  I wonder if that is why he is so insistent that I return to Babylon?"

 

"Do you think that your friendship with Michael is based on your supplying his booze?" Justin asked, wondering about the answer to his question.  If that were true, Brian would really need some help in developing his social group.

 

"No," Brian said, not hesitating at all with his response.  "Mikey and I go back to high school.  I met him when my family moved to the area.  He was getting picked on because he was so short and such a geek.  I stood up for him and told the bullies to stay away or they would have to deal with me.  I was a jock and the star of the soccer team; therefore, I was respected, and no one messed with me."

 

"So, you felt sorry for him and protected him.  That was very nice of you.  Sounds like you haven't outgrown the need to protect him and take care of him.  It's nice of you to buy his drinks every time you meet."

 

Brian thought about Justin's observations and said, "That sounds kind of degrading.  Sort of like my father did to me.  ‘Hey look everyone.  I am the successful Brian Kinney and I can afford to buy my friend, Mikey a drink since he is not as flush as I am.' 

 

"Why do you feel that way?"

 

"I am more successful," Brian said.

 

"So, everyone who is more successful should buy their friend's drinks?" Justin asked, pushing Brian to think about his statement and his thinking process.

 

"No, of course not.  That would be stupid.  There would be people who would always be paying and then there would be people who would never pay.  Life doesn't work that way.  There is always going to be one person who is better off than another."  Brian didn't want to walk too far from the community center and looked around spying a small park to their right.

 

"Let's head to the park.  I don't want to walk too far away from the center and have to jog back to my car in order to get to Deb's on time."

 

"Sure," Justin said and crossed the street to walk towards the park. 

 

It was a nice spring day; the temperatures were in the low 70's and a light breeze blew.  There were several baseball diamonds and it appeared that there were teams practicing in three of them.  Further down the path were several soccer fields and they were occupied as well with players who appeared to be practicing.  To the far right, there was a playground filled with children playing on the slides, swings, and in the sand box.  Parents sat on the park benches that surrounded the area as they watched their children run, jump, and laugh while they enjoyed the equipment and the freedom from responsibility. 

 

Brian smiled at a young boy whose soccer ball was kicked in their path.  He stopped by the ball and kicked it toward him. 

 

"Thanks, mister," the little red headed boy said as he kicked the ball back toward the field. 

 

"Brian, why do you really buy Michael his drinks?  You just said that it wouldn't make sense to have the person with the most money always buying the drinks."

 

They walked down the path and found a park bench.  Brian motioned for Justin to sit on the bench and he joined him.  "He's my friend."

 

"Do you buy your other friends drinks?"

 

"No.  Of course not," Brian said, somewhat surprised at the question.  "Why would I buy them drinks, they buy their own."

 

"So why do you buy Michael his drinks?"

 

"I don't know."

 

"You seem to have a complicated relationship with Michael.  You do things for him that you would not do for your other friends, but he doesn't seem to respect your choices.  You said that you told him twice that you weren't going to Babylon and yet he barged into your home, walked into your bedroom without your permission, and then proceeded to tell you that his mom was coming over to watch your son so you could spend time with him  at Babylon.  When I asked you if you could talk to him about being mad at him, you stated that he probably wouldn't believe you.  You've chosen to keep him in the dark regarding your efforts toward sobriety, but you have told several other people.  I just wonder what you get out of his friendship?"

 

"You really do come up with the hard questions?" Brian said as he thought about Justin's speech.

 

"They're not hard, but hopefully thought provoking.  We were talking about love and tolerance today at the meeting.  Your friend doesn't seem to be very tolerant of your decisions and I wonder why you are friends.  Even if you were not exploring sobriety, have you thought about Michael's place in your life?"  Justin really wanted to reach out and touch Brian's hand, give it a squeeze, and show his support during this awkward conversation, but understood that was crossing the line.  "It sounds like you had a rough childhood. You still have ambivalent thoughts about your father, especially as an adult when he tried to parade you to his friends as his great achievement as a parent. It appears that your childhood left some deep scars regarding your love of yourself.  Perhaps Michael's friendship helps to fill that need for love?"

 

"So, you are saying that since I had a shitty childhood and my father punched me around, I turned to Michael for that love.  As an adult, I accept whatever he does because he loves me?"

 

"It's an observation.  You are the one who has to decide if it is correct," Justin said. 

 

"But what if you're right? I let Michael stay in my life because he loves me, no matter how he treats me.  It'd be another version of my dad, without the abuse," Brian said, putting his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose.

 

"Abuse can come in many forms.  Emotional abuse is just as detrimental as physical abuse.  In fact, many people discount emotional abuse because it cannot be measured," Justin said.  He'd done a lot of reading and investigation when he first became sober.  "My father was an emotional abuser.  He treated my mom horribly, cheating on her and expecting her to just accept what he did since he paid the bills.  He belittled her at every opportunity and told her that the only contribution she made to the marriage was to look pretty and attend business functions with him.  He needed to have a wife on his arm to be accepted at the country club.  My mom put up with it for a long time, but then when he kicked me out, she decided that was enough and she left too.  She took my sister and started her life over. She is now a very successful realtor."  Justin had carried his coffee cup with him and took the last drink.  He looked around for a trash can and saw one over by the pavilion, a few feet away.  He motioned toward the can with his hand and said, "I'm going to throw my cup away.  Are you done with yours?"

 

Brian handed him the cup and watched as Justin walked to the can and threw their cups away.  He thought about Justin's last question.  Justin came back to the bench and waited for Brian to answer his last question.  After a few minutes he decided to couch the thought in another way.

 

"You have to decide if Michael's behavior toward you is acceptable.  From what you say, you feel like you owe him for his family's friendship in your youth.  They were a safe haven for you and you really needed that safe space.  But now that you are an adult, it appears that Michael is using that history as grounds for a friendship.  It appears that you aren't really sure why you maintain the friendship, except out of habit."

 

Brian listened to Justin, nodding his head in agreement with the statements.  "You sure you are an artist and not a Psychologist or something?"

 

"No, not a Psychologist, but I have read a lot about people.  People fascinate me.  I love to hear their stories and histories.  It is amazing when you take two people who have lived through the same event and ask them about it, and you get two very different stories.  Each person sees the event through their own experiences.  I bet if you asked Michael why he came to your home the other night, he would have a very good reason.  Your view of his visit was anger at his inability to respect your wishes.  His view was probably something along the lines of finding a solution to your problem of watching your son and being unable to go out.  Both of you see the same situation in very different terms.  Neither of you are right nor wrong, it's just a different point of view.  But I'm asking you to think about what you want from your friendship with Michael."

 

"I'll have to think about that one.  Deb, his mom is the quasi matriarch of our little family.  If I cut my ties with Michael, I would hurt Deb."

 

Justin nodded his head understanding.  "Deb is important to you and you don't want to hurt her feelings.  If you stop having Michael in your life, Deb is going to be mad at you.  Sounds like a very difficult situation."

 

Brian smiled.  "You sure you don't have a degree in Psychology?  As much as I enjoy the soul-searching questions you throw my way, I must head out.  Time for the weekly Sunday dinner at Deb's.  I can't wait to hear Michael whine about not spending time with him.  I guess I'm going to have to figure something out.  I'm not ready for Babylon or Woody's but I don't want to listen to him whine indefinitely.

 

"You coming to the meeting tomorrow night?" Justin asked as he stood up to walk back to the lot where their cars were parked.

 

"Should be good to go.  I've got some business meetings later this week so I'm going to have to think about those days," Brian said.  He felt a little chill go through his body when he thought about missing a meeting and the support from Justin.  He also stood up and walked toward his car.

 

They reached the parking lot and said their goodbyes.

 

Brian drove to Deb's; his head was now filled with more half thoughts than it did on the way to the AA meeting.  He hoped that this was not going to be the norm; he was used to solving his problems quick and fast and didn't like the feeling.

 

TBC 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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