Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

I'm trying to portray this as accurately as I can, but I'm no expert.  Suggestions and comments welcome.

 

"You're an alcoholic," Emmett said, trying to keep his voice in a normal tone.  He wanted to stop and look at his friend, see his face, look for any obvious differences.  He wanted to hug him and provide comfort but knew that would be unacceptable.  He wanted to ask him what had happened, why did he think he was an alcoholic?  He knew Brian drank like a fish and took drugs like they were candy, but this behavior was not new.  In the 12 years that Emmett had known him, Brian had always been liked that. But he didn't stop, didn't turn his head to see if Brian had any visible changes, didn't start asking what had happened, instead he waited for Brian to continue talking. 

 

Emmett and Brian continued to walk down the street, stopping at crosswalks and waiting for the signal to alert them it was okay to walk across.  As they walked several blocks and he waited for Brian to add to his statement, Emmett thought about Brian. Brian was not one to share many intimate details of his life. Emmett realized that Brian often listened to the conversations of the "gang" rather than actively participate.  He was very protective of his private life.  Thinking about his friend, he admitted to himself that he really knew very little about Brian's activities away from work and Babylon.  Did he have hobbies or interests?  Did he like to travel for fun or just business?  What about his family?  Emmett realized Brian never talked about any of those things.  He started questioning what type of friend he was if he didn't know those basic things about Brian. 

 

When Brian had not talked for several blocks, Emmett realized he would have to be the one to continue the conversation.  He asked, "You're staying away from Babylon and Woody's to avoid temptation?"

 

"Smart man," Brian said, still feeling like he was ripping the Band-Aid off a particularly painful wound.  Justin was already pushing him to share and talk about his feelings.  He wasn't certain if he was ready to do that with other people in his life. 

 

Emmett really wanted to start asking Brian all the questions going through his mind but recognized Brian's short answers as the way Brian was handling the disclosure but keeping his persona intact.  "If you're not going to Woody's, what are you doing?" He hoped this question would give him just a little insight into Brian's interests.  Once he knew those, he could suggest the two of them do something together. 

 

Brian frowned, balking at revealing that he was attending AA meetings but realized that he was going to have to disclose that information too.  He silently damned his reckless driving that resulted in wrapping his car around a tree.  If it hadn't been for doing that, he wouldn't be in this situation.   He stopped short of going down that road of ‘what ifs' when he realized that it wasn't reckless driving that caused the accident; it was his inebriated state.  He was the sole cause of the accident and he should be thankful that no one was injured in the aftermath. 

 

"I go to AA meetings every night. And then I find a trick, get my dick sucked and go to bed.  Being sober has one benefit.  I get to the office a lot earlier," Brian said tongue in cheek, trying to put a little levity into the conversation.  He was not about to admit that he was using an app to find said tricks. Brian Kinney did not need any help in getting his sexual needs met.

 

Emmett's first impulse was to offer a quick retort along the lines of Brian recognizing what was important, his tricks, but bit his tongue.  Brian trusted him with this very sensitive information, and he wanted to show Brian that he appreciated his willingness to share.

 

"Does Ted know?"  Emmett remembered how Brian helped his friend by offering him a job when he got out of rehab and since that time, Ted had appeared to have a special bond with him.

 

"Yes. And now, so do you.  No one else knows and I hope you can keep your promise of not saying anything," Brian said, his voice as steely and firm as he could make it. 

 

Emmett made a zipping motion with his fingers across his lips.  "Can I do anything?"  Emmett knew the answer before he asked.  Brian Kinney did not ask for help, but he still felt the need to offer.

 

"Just keep your mouth shut," Brian said, wondering what insanity passed over him to tell his secret to the biggest gossip on Liberty Avenue.  Brian grabbed his phone from his pocket and looked at the time.  "I have to go."

 

Emmett asked, "Headed to a meeting?" 

 

"Yes."  Brian placed his phone back in his pocket, turned back toward the diner and walked to his car.  He did not wait for Emmett to catch up to him and Emmett stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes as he gathered his thoughts.   He wanted to go talk to Teddy, his friend and evidently the only other person that knew the truth about Brian's whereabouts, but he decided that he needed to think on things before he spoke, even to his friend Ted.

 

Brian got in his car, thinking about the last 36 hours.  During that time, he had been pushed by Michael twice to join him at Babylon and his friend had difficulty accepting his "no" response.  Michael had gone as far as soliciting his mother to come to watch Gus so Brian could join him at Babylon. Lindsay, the mother of his child became all solicitous when he told her about his wrecked car and then got angry when he brought Gus back on time, but dirty and needing a shower.  He'd spent some quality time with his son but almost took a drink to deal with all the crap he'd been handed during the day.  He'd called his sponsor and Justin had successfully talked him down, but he wondered if he'd be headed toward a meeting if he had taken the drink.  And now, to top off all the other shit, in a moment of weakness, for surely, he would never have admitted his activities otherwise, he told Emmett he was attending AA. 

 

His mind wandered back and forth but never came to any conclusions or plans of action.  It was just a jumbled mess of half-thoughts and ideas.  He spotted Justin as soon as he walked in the room and sat beside him. 

 

"Hey," Justin said, greeting Brian with a casual voice.  He wondered if he should bring up the call from last night but decided that was a bad idea.  If Brian wanted to talk, he would.  From the interactions they'd had up to this point, Brian did not appear to be the touchy-feely type. In fact, he was on the other extreme of the spectrum.  Brian did not like to share, and it appeared that it was difficult for him to talk about things of substance.  Justin knew he was going to have to push Brian and accepted he was going to have to move Brian out of his comfort zone if he were to embrace his sobriety.

 

"Hi," Brian said in return.  He could feel the muscles in his back, tight and stiff from all that had happened in the last day.  Combining all the events and his thoughts on the drive to the meeting, he understood why he was tense. As he sat down next to Justin, he exhaled, releasing some of the tension in his body.   He didn't want to think about the release, but his mind told him that it was a form of relief.  He'd made it through another day and especially through last night.  Last night was the first time he wanted to drink, and he successfully navigated that landmine. 

 

Before Justin could start a conversation, the moderator called for everybody's attention.  Today's topic was living one day at a time.  The moderator started by talking about holding on to yesterday's events and how that was counterproductive to sobriety. 

 

"There is a fine line we have to walk.  We want to understand our reasons for drinking and eliminate our excuses, but we also must accept that our choice to drink or not to drink is a constant decision that we make every moment of every day.  We must be honest with ourselves; we're not fooling anyone.  We must work hard at examining our lives and the choices we make but ultimately the drink is just around the corner, or in our desk drawer, or at the next party.  We have to decide that drinking is not our choice for today," the moderator said, finishing his opening speech.  He was a tall man who appeared to be in his mid-50s.  His chiseled face was lined with crow's feet around his eyes and the smile lines around his mouth were filled with deep creases.  He was dressed in a blue pullover shirt and jeans and appeared to be in good shape having no beer belly.  Brian looked at him and decided that he did not look like an alcoholic but stopped himself as he passed that judgment when he realized that most people would not pin that label on him either.  Looking around the small circle of people, he saw many participants nod their head in agreement with the moderator's words.

 

"I'm Jaclyn.  When I first started coming to meetings, I thought someone would be asking me about my past.  You know, the typical picture of psychoanalysis.  But I realized that my past was my past and what I really needed to work on was my present and future.  I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to be like today and tomorrow and the next day, not remind myself what it was like yesterday or last week.  I couldn't change what happened last week, but I could influence what happened tonight or tomorrow."  The woman who had spoken sat next to Brian and was soft spoken.  She too was dressed in jeans.  She appeared to Brian to be younger than the moderator as she did not have any of the tell-tell signs of aging like crow's feet or laugh lines.  She also wore her hair in a ponytail, appearing to Brian as if she had just come from the gym.

 

Justin chose to speak next.  "I was really ashamed of my behavior when I started coming to meetings.  I didn't want to admit to all my faults and to the terrible way I behaved when I drank.  I realized that I couldn't change my actions from the past, but I could definitely choose not to repeat them.  I talked to my sponsor on many occasions regarding my guilt and shame and he kept reminding me that I needed to accept the things I could not change.  I can't turn back time, but I could manage the present.  I learned that I had to live today, not yesterday."

 

Brian listened to all the speakers, trying to absorb their information.  The common theme was living in the here and now.  He could choose to be angry at Mikey and he could do that, but he needed to decide if he would let his anger control his desire to drink.  He'd never really thought about drinking and its connection to his mood.  He just drank as a matter of course. When the last speaker finished talking, the moderator reminded everyone to support AA and support each other.  He also stated that there was coffee in the back and to stay as long as they wanted but reminded them that the community center was having an event for their high school students and it started at 9:00. 

 

Brian stood and walked toward the coffee station, waiting in line for his turn at the large urn.  Grabbing two sugars he tore the packets, dumping their contents into his Styrofoam cup and then filled it with coffee.  Stepping aside for the next person, he waited for Justin to grab his cup and then the two of them walked to the corner of the room.  Brian took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. "Crap, that is awful.  Why didn't you remind me that the coffee tastes like last month's grinds?" he asked Justin.

 

Justin smiled and said, "I thought you would remember since we just talked about it."

 

Brian nodded in agreement.  Walking over to the trash can he dumped the cup and motioned for Justin to do the same.  "Let's get real coffee at that diner."

 

"Sure," Justin said as he dumped his coffee in the trash as well.  "Walk or drive?"

 

Brian was less unsure tonight than he had been a week ago.  After a week of meetings, he was beginning to see that there might be legitimacy in the AA program.  He wasn't so skittish and skeptical, so he said, "Walk."

 

Justin smiled and said, "Great."

 

They walked the few blocks toward the diner, each man thinking but not talking.  Justin decided that he really wanted to talk to Brian face to face rather than as they walked.  It was important to see someone's face to judge their true reactions.

 

Brian's brain decided that it should take up where it left off on the drive to the meeting; therefore, he really didn't have any complete thoughts, more like glimpses of half conversations with himself.

 

They were seated toward the back of the diner and both picked up the laminated menus that were nestled in the condiment corral.  After deciding what to order the waitress brought them coffee and both men prepared their beverage to their own liking.

 

"I saw you deep in thought at the meeting.  I really like Jeremy, he's a great speaker."

 

"Jeremy, so that's his name," Brian said.

 

"Yes.  He's been sober for 5 years and has been leading the group for about 2.  He's my sponsor."

 

"You have a sponsor?  I thought .... Well I'm not sure what I thought.  You just seem sure of yourself and you agreed to be my sponsor.  I never really considered that the sponsor would have a sponsor."  Brian took his spoon and stirred his coffee, even though he had just done that.

 

"Sure, I have a sponsor.  I have times when I still want to talk about my sobriety.  Just because I've been sober for a year doesn't mean that I don't have concerns.  Alcoholism is a disease just like diabetes.  You don't take your insulin one time and forget about it for the rest of the day.  You have to monitor your food intake, your exercise, and even your sleep.  Alcoholism is not something you treat for a day and never think of again.  You will always be an alcoholic. Right now, you are an alcoholic but hopefully, in the future, you will be in recovery and can refer to yourself as a recovering alcoholic."

 

"I hadn't thought about it, but I guess that makes sense," Brian said as he contemplated Justin's statement.  He took a drink from his coffee, smiling as he savored the taste. 

 

"I think Jeremy has some good ideas.  Last night when I called....  I really wanted the drink, but you made me think about the reason I wanted the drink.  Was I reaching because of want or was I reaching because I had a shitty day?  I think for me the answer isn't quite so clear cut.  I mean I wanted the drink but mostly I wanted it because I had a shitty day."  Brian said, surprised at his willingness to talk about the incident. 

 

"Reaching for the booze is your way of coping with things that make you mad.  Do you ever tell people that you are mad at them?"  Justin asked.

 

"No.  Why would I?  I think apologies are worthless.  You drop a plate and it breaks.  Saying you're sorry doesn't put the plate back together again.  You can't turn back time and change things so why bother with saying you're sorry."

 

The waitress brought Justin his sandwich and refilled Brian's coffee.  While he appeared willing to spend some time at a diner, his no carbs after 7:00 rule was still in force.

 

Justin cut a piece from his meatloaf, swirled it in some ketchup and ate it.  He savored the taste, concentrating on the mix of onion, garlic and some spice that he could not identify.  Brian watched him as he ate and imagined what it would be like to kiss him and savor the taste as Justin appeared to be savoring the meatloaf. He quickly pushed that thought out of his head.  He couldn't remember making a conscious decision that he wasn't going to push Justin to have sex, but somewhere in all his musings, that desire had been pushed to the wayside.  He knew that he found him attractive and would enjoy pinning him to the mattress, but he also knew that he trusted him with his sobriety.  For now, his sobriety was in the forefront and pinning him to the mattress would have to wait.  He hoped that one day he'd have that opportunity, but for now, he was fairly certain he had taken it off the table.

 

"Brian, people generally don't like to piss off other people, especially their friends.  If you don't tell people they have made you angry, how do you expect that they won't do it again?"  Justin was genuinely perplexed at the statement.  It seemed that Brian was just continuing to set himself up to be mad at people. No one would know that their behavior irritated him so they would assume that everything was fine.  "Have you ever thought that telling them might help you.  If people weren't pissing you off all the time, it would probably help with your anger?"

 

Brian stared at Justin, mulling the words that he spoke around in his mind. "I never thought about it.  I usually think people are all about what they want, and they really don't care what you want. Most of my friends could care less if I was mad or not."

 

Justin was unsure how to respond to that statement.  He didn't know Brian's friends and he likely would never meet them.  An idea came to him.  "I'm not here to question your friendships, but let's talk about Gus.  I know you care for him a lot; you've decided that he is the reason you are contemplating sobriety.  Don't you get mad at him sometimes?"

 

When he heard Gus' name, he bristled.  He didn't want his son involved in this part of his life and he resented Justin for bringing him up.  When he processed the question, he let out a breath to think.  "Sure, I get mad at him.  He's at that stage where he is always pushing the limits.  He'll be 11 in a month or so and he's definitely showing that preteen angst."

 

Justin was pleased that Brian admitted that he got mad at Gus; now came the critical issue as to what he did with that anger. "What do you do when you get angry at him?  Do you tell him or just ignore it?"

 

"I tell him.  He's my kid and I don't like being angry at him.  Besides, if he does something wrong, he needs to be told so he won't do it again," Brian said.  Listening to his response, he said, "Shit.  I expect him to tell me he's sorry and I make him tell me what he did wrong so I can be sure he understands."

 

"Okay.  So, you expect Gus to change his behavior?  You said that there was a friend, I think he works with you, that suggested you get a sponsor.  Do you think he would care if you were mad at him?  You seem to trust him with your sobriety issues."

 

"Ted.  His name is Ted and he's my accountant, but he's also a good friend.   When he was using and throwing his life in the toilet, I didn't confront him, but I did tell his boyfriend at the time to leave him.  I was pretty angry at what he was doing to his boyfriend and acted to protect him.  He works for me now and has watched me yell at the art department a time or three.  The art department knows when I'm not happy since I tell them; it is business.  I can't be silent and continue to be successful.  I have a reputation to uphold and if they aren't bringing their best to the table, they can't continue to work at my company."

 

Justin was pleased with the conversation.  "You do tell some people when you are angry.  Like Gus and the staff in your art department.  Does it change their behavior?" He asked, hoping to help Brian see that telling people about your anger can be productive. 

 

"It helps with Gus, but I often have to tell him a few times.  He is testing me to see what I will let him get away with. The art department is a little different.  Each situation is different, but they do change what they were doing in that instance; otherwise they wouldn't still be working for me."

 

Justin was pleased with the direction of the conversation.  "When we first started talking tonight, you said that yesterday you were having a shitty day and that was why you really wanted the drink last night."

 

Brian nodded his head in agreement. 

 

"Do you think if you had told your friend Michael that you were mad and why, it would have lessened your anger?  Do you think possibly telling Gus' mom that it made you angry when she was asking about the accident, it would have helped?"

 

Brian took a sip of his coffee as he thought about the question.  Shaking his head, he said, "I don't know, but I doubt it.  Michael is so self-centered that he probably would just blow it off.  He'd probably say something like, ‘You're not serious.  How could this make you mad when you know you really don't want to watch Gus.'  Lindsay is a little tougher.  I'm always worried if I piss her off, she won't let me be with Gus."

 

Justin hadn't expected Brian's answer.  He was hopeful that once he pointed out that Brian's anger was directly related to his drinking, he would see he needed to address his anger.  To him, the most logical way to do that was to have Brian tell people he was angry.  But life was not always easy, and that solution didn't appear to be a viable one at this time.

 

"I understand your fears regarding Gus, so can we go back to your friend Michael. He appears a little safer to tell."

 

Brian finished his coffee and contemplated waiving the waitress to their table for the check as he'd just about reached his limit for talking but decided he was willing to continue the discussion.  He wasn't sure what it was about Justin that made him willing to talk but he'd read enough of the Big Book to understand that personal support was critical in maintaining his sobriety.  He was beginning to accept that this journey was more about personal introspection and growth than just not taking a drink.  No matter how uncomfortable he was with talking and disclosing his life, it was still better than wrapping his car around another tree.   

 

"Yeah. Even if I told Mikey and he didn't believe me, the worst that would happen is that he'd tell Deb.  Deb would get her panties in a twist and start ragging on me, but she'd probably listen if I explained.  It's just a lot of drama and I really don't know if I want to deal with the drama."

 

"Deb?  Who is Deb and why would Michael tell her anything?"

 

"Deb is Michael's mother and perhaps the best way to describe her is she is my surrogate mom," Brian explained.   "I spent a lot of my teen years in the Novotny house and she.... Well she's the mom that everyone loves and hates.  We love her as a result of her big heart; she takes in all the lost boys, but we hate that she feels she has a right to tell us how to live our lives."

 

"So, telling Michael would in essence be telling Debbie and you don't want her telling you how to live your life," Justin said, trying to make sure he understood what Brian was saying.

 

"Right," Brian said in agreement. 

 

"Do you think if you told Michael you were mad; he might do something different the next time?"  Justin asked, believing that Brian would benefit from the discussion.

 

"I don't know.  As I said, Michael is pretty self-centered."  Brian finished his coffee and waived the waitress over to refill his cup. 

 

Justin indicated he wanted a refill as well.  Inwardly Justin was pleased that Brian was willing to continue their discussion.  "If Michael wouldn't accept your statements that you were mad at his behavior, do you think you have any other options?" 

 

"I don't understand your question.  I mean I can't change Michael's behavior.  I'm in advertising and even I know the key to success is to make the consumer think they need or want the service or product you are selling.  I do that by making it as sexy as hell.  Sex sells just about everything," Brian said, evidently very proud of his success.  Brian opened three sugar packets and poured them into his coffee, stirring the mixture with his spoon.  "I don't think I can spin Mikey not getting me mad about ‘sex'.  Even though most of the time we spend together there is an underlying current about getting laid."

 

"Okay.  If you don't think Michael will accept your statements because he won't think you are seriously mad, what can you do differently?  Like you said, you're in advertising.  How would you advertise to yourself?  Convince yourself that Michael's actions aren't going to get you mad."

 

Brian was a smart man and realized what Justin was doing.  "You're really asking how I can control my anger better.  You originally hoped that having me tell people that I was angry, it would lessen the number of times I got mad.  Since telling people that I'm mad doesn't appear to be the answer, you want me to figure out how to react differently."

 

Justin nodded his head in agreement.  Brian was smart and he understood what Justin was trying to do. "Yes.  Each of us has to choose how we react to an event.  Some people have car accidents and have PTSD for years while others get right back in the car the next day and drive like nothing happened."

 

Brian said, "It's all about what Jeremy said tonight.  You must live in the here and now; don't let having a shitty day be the reason you drink.  You make the decision to drink like you would make the decision to have a hamburger.  I can't let my desire to drink be a result of something that happened earlier in the day or 5 minutes before."  Brian picked up his coffee cup, blew over the top and took a sip. 

 

Justin gave him a huge smile for his efforts.  "Exactly.  Living in the moment helps lessen the desire to drink to manage our emotions.  We should talk about emotions, but I think you've had enough for tonight.  I don't want to overload you with too much."

 

Brian was surprised at Justin's smile.  He felt like he'd been given a gold star by the teacher.  He realized he did see Justin as his teacher and guide in this unique journey.  He'd known the man for only a week but in that short time, he'd come to respect him and look forward to their time together, even if it did not result in Brian pinning him to the mattress.  While he found him attractive and really wanted to have sex with him, tonight's revelation made him accept that for now he needed a friend more than he needed someone to suck his cock.  It was a unique perspective to spend time with a man that he wasn't going to either talk about sex or have sex with and he was actually enjoying the experience. 

 

"I guess it is time to call it a night.  I'm sure you have other things to do," Brian said as he waived the waitress over to provide the bill.  She brought the bill, each man paid their portion, and they walked back to their respective cars.

 

"See you tomorrow at the afternoon meeting?" Justin asked, remembering that Brian had a commitment on Sunday evenings. 

 

"Yes," Brian said.  He walked the remainder of the lot to his car and drove back to the loft. 

 

Usually by this time on a Saturday night, I'd be at Woody's drinking and shooting some pool.  I don't think I ever really thought if I wanted a drink; it was just there.  It was part of the package.  You go to Woody's, shoot pool and have a few beers.  Then you go to Babylon and have a few more drinks while you scope out the scene and pick up a few tricks.  Drinking is as much a part of the experience as dancing.  I guess the key is to learn to separate the two activities. 

 

Brian booted up his computer to the familiar web site, trolling for a trick that would meet at least one of his needs.  Quickly finding one that fit the bill, he clicked on the picture and made the necessary arrangements.  After a few rounds of barely acceptable sex and a blow job, he kicked the trick out.  He took a shower and looked at the clock, seeing it was barely 10:00 p.m.  He was still mad at Michael and didn't want to hear his whining regarding his whereabouts, so he sat on the couch, flipped on the tv and found an old James Dean movie to occupy his mind until his body was ready for sleep.

 

TBC

 

 

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