Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

 

The tightness in Justin's chest had loosened a little and felt a lot better after receiving Brian's message. It was all he needed to know, that Brian was coming home to him and that he still loved him.

 

He almost cry after reading it, but he didn't want Brian to come home to a nervous wrecked Justin. And so, he tried to calm himself down and cleaned up a bit. He started with their bedroom, he changed the sheet that he was sure so full of his snot.

 

He went to his studio to clean his brushes, then took a shower and got the day old sweater off and changed into a fresh one. He finally went to the kitchen to fix some salads and grilled a salmon. Justin thought, they could start the evening by eating, he surely could use some food and who knew with Brian, he could be starving, too.

 

Justin tried not to overthink about what Brian had learned from their past and from whom he had learned it from. Michael and Debbie were out of question, they wouldn't put themselves in more trouble than they already were. Maybe Ted, Emmett or could it be the girls? Cynthia was a good bet, too.

 

But Justin knew Brian had no way of knowing about what had transcribed between them from the couple of months leading to Brian's accident. No one knew except the two of them.

 

***

 

Emmett was stunned to silence since Brian's breakdown from the porch. God only knows what would happen if Michael hadn't interrupted them.

 

Emmett felt so bad that he had mentioned about Justin's bashing, he didn't realize that Brian didn't know anything about it. When Brian talked about Justin, it felt like he already knew all about him.

 

But the events happened after that had escalated from horrifying to tragic.

 

Brian didn't wait for Michael’s rant to be over and left the back porch. Emmett could see how he walked shakily to the dining room and had to clutch on one of the chairs for support.

 

Brian could just get out of the house but he still decided to talk to his son before leaving. But the talk had turned Michael into a jealous raving bitch, when he learned from Gus that daddy and daddy's heart had a house together and Brian had admitted it right into his face.

 

Brian left in a rush after that, but Michael was still shouting that he couldn't let Brian destroy what he had been working for two years now. What Michael meant by that, nobody knew. Well, maybe Debbie knew, because she was yelling back at his son to stop from doing more damage than they both had already done to Brian.

 

But Michael was frantic and ran hysterically to Ted.

 

“Give me the key!” He demanded to the bewildered Theodore.

 

“What? Key to what?” Ted asked confusedly.

 

“To your car! Quickly, Ted! Hand the key over!” Michael was telling Ted to give him the car key like he owned it.

 

“Michael-- you ca--”

 

“Ted! Give me your fucking key!” When Ted didn't budge, Michael shouted, “Goddammit!”, then wrestled with Ted’s front pocket.

 

Then Lindsay and Debbie tried to pull Michael from Ted but not before he successfully took what he wanted.

 

Michael sneered but ran to the door without any words to anyone.

 

“Oh, no, not my car, Michael!” Ted shouted and ran after him. Emmett followed them and opened the back door to hop in after seeing Ted got into the passenger side, shouting to the still frantic Michael.

 

“Are you crazy, Michael?!” Ted yelled as he was putting his seatbelt on. “Oh god-- slow down, you mother fucker!”

 

Michael was driving like the lunatic that he was and Emmett was actually thinking why he thought it was a good idea to get into the car with a batshit driver.

 

He was shrieking as Michael stepped on the gas and was skidding from left to right. Other car drivers were honking on them and some were giving them the fingers, but Michael was too focused on trailing Brian's truck.

 

Emmett was holding the seat belt for dear life and started to pray “Our father who art in heaven”, over and over again.

 

“Jesus, Michael-- can you just stop this?! This is insane-- just let Brian go home in peace!” Ted was breathing heavily. “Emmett! Stop praying-- you are making me more nervous!” Ted was still shouting.

 

“He is not going to the loft! He should be turning right from here-- but he went straight ahead! Where is Brian going?!” Michael stepped on the gas harder.

 

“Michael, he said he's going home to his house with his partner! Have you not been listening? Let the man go home! You are going to pay any damage you have done to my car, don't think you're getting away with this!”

 

“I don't care what you want, Ted, I only care if Brian would waste everything that I have been working on this past two years! Damn! God-- this people don't know how to drive! Move, you mother fuckers!” Michael cursed and hit the honks so hardly over and over as they were left a little behind from Brian's truck.

 

Emmett was praying that they wouldn't be able to catch on with Brian after he passed through the traffic lights, it was looking more that way as Emmett noticed Brian's truck slowed down before passing the intersection.

 

But the succeeding event was like watching a movie. The horror that he felt when he couldn't do anything as he witnessed a rushing sedan, that came out from nowhere, crashing through the side of Brian's truck.

 

Emmett felt like he struggled to breathe as he could make out Brian's form inside the truck being thrown to the windows. A cold fear had blanketed his body and they were all seemed paralyzed as they witnessed Brian in another car accident.

 

All the vehicles had stopped the very second it happened.

 

“Brian… no!” Was what he heard from Michael.

 

Then, it seemed made them woke up from the trance and abandoned Ted’s car. They ran to the two collided cars as people were also starting to come over.

 

Michael was back in hysterics and was forcing his way to the driver’s door. As he was in the act of opening it, one man had stopped him, telling him that he couldn't just open the door carelessly and Michael answered like the wacko that he was. Sprouting to the man’s face that he didn't care about the fucking door, what he needed was to get his best friend from dying inside his truck.

 

Another man had to hold Michael back, he was still shouting and kicking and getting way too much attention than he needed to. Emmett and the first guy had slowly opened the door and caught Brian's head as it lolled to the side.

 

They straightened his body to the seat, and for one moment, Emmett had seen Brian's eyes flickered open and whispered the name that made Emmett's heart broken.

 

“Ju-Justin…”

 

Then Brian had gone unconscious. Ted was on the phone to Mel telling them what happened as they all waited for the ambulance with baited breath.

 

Emmett prayed that Brian would make it, and his mind went to Justin. Justin was the name Brian had called before he went unconscious, the one that obviously in his mind.

 

Emmett reached to touch Brian's hand, and he was thankful that it was still warm despite the snowy weather. Emmett whispered, “Brian, please stay strong. You'll get through this, just like everything that you had already been through.”

 

He couldn't help the tears rolled down on his cheeks as he felt Ted’s hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, he broke down as he watched the sorrow in Ted’s eyes looking down at him.

 

Ted caught him in his arms and sighed after hearing the faint ambulance coming. Michael hadn't calmed down yet from his hysterics while being held by three people on the side of the road.

 

What happened after the paramedics had arrived, was like a blurry vision to Emmett. Brian was being helped out of his truck with gash on his forehead. He was still unconscious as they loaded him to the ambulance. 

 

Michael tried to get to ride with Brian, but the paramedics didn't even entertain him. That had made Michael acted like a raging bull and started yelling and kicking anything he could get his feet to. The paramedics threatened to call the police on him and slammed the door on his face.

 

Michael continued thrashing until Ted shouted at him.

 

“I swear to god, Michael, I'm going to leave your ass here if you won't stop being selfish and inconsiderate. Your best friend is critical but you choose to delay the ambulance just because you didn't get what you want. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

Michael still tried to dumbly defend himself but Ted just turned his back and walked away, Emmett followed behind.

 

“Ted, where are you going?!” Michael yelled but decided to follow them. “We need to go to the hospital! Brian needed me, Ted!”

 

Ted abruptly stop and turned to look at Michael with fire in his eyes. “If you just try to listen for once, you would know that I was going to tell you that we can go to the hospital by driving my car. But of course you wouldn't want to listen, you love to talk or whine or complain.”

 

Michael looked embarrassed for a split second but walked to the direction Ted was going to before he was interrupted.

 

In twenty minutes, the three of them were rushing through the entrance of Allegheny General Hospital. Michael was frantically talking to the nurse at the station checking for Brian's condition.

 

“Mr. Kinney has just come in ten minutes ago. He is currently being checked by the doctors and that is all I can tell you. And I'm afraid I can't disclose any medical information to just anyone except to his next of kin.” The nurse said to Michael.

 

“The fuck you can't. I'm Brian medical proxy, you can check your file when he was here two years ago-- I was the one who made decisions for him!”

 

Emmett pulled Michael to the waiting room, sat him on the plastic chair and told him that alienating the nurses wouldn't help them any.

 

Michael was still mumbling something when Debbie, Lindsay, Melanie and Gus came in. Both Debbie and Lindsay were asking about what happened, and Michael was telling them that Brian was driving fast and got his car crashing with another one coming from his side.

 

“He has to drive faster because you are fucking following him!” Emmett couldn't help but say it. “And Brian didn't crash to anything because he was over speeding, he was actually slowing down before passing the intersection and that asshole who was drunk driving crashed into Brian's truck. You loved to rewrite history, don't you?”

 

“I'm not rewriting anything! And that asshole paramedic didn't allow me to ride with Brian in the ambulance. I was telling him that I am Brian's medical proxy but he didn't listen.”

 

“He did listen, Michael, and that was why he didn't want you in the ambulance with them. You were yelling and screaming, then later on you were kicking them, literally. You were delaying the ambulance.” Ted said from one corner.

 

“How is he now?” Lindsay asked trying to take the focus away from Michael.

 

“That bitch over there doesn't want to tell me anything!” Michael pointed to the nurse at the reception.

 

“Because she doesn't know anything, yet. For god sake, Michael, this is not about you, it's about Brian lying inside that emergency room and we don't know what is happening, so, can you shut up for once?” Ted was almost yelling, but he was still composed despite the anxiety that they were all in.

 

“You should have let Brian go home like we told you. Do you really need to act like a wacko chasing him in an icy road? If we don't know better, it looks like you were acting like Brian has cheated on you or something.” Emmett snarked.

 

“Stop it, Emmett, have you not seen Michael is hurting. It's his best friend who is lying inside the emergency room.” Debbie was quick to defend her baby boy.

 

“Yeah, he is hurting, and it's enough reason to kick a paramedic delaying the ambulance.” Emmett wasn't going to back down.

 

They were all sitting silently after that except for Gus’ non-stop question. He didn't really understand what was happening, well he did know that hospital was a place to go if someone was hurt and Gus heard them mentioning his daddy's name. It made him think that his daddy was hurt and he started to cry asking where his father was. 

 

Lindsay had settled him a little saying daddy was only checked by the doctor and he should be quiet so the doctor could work on daddy better. Gus stopped crying, but the kid had known, or felt, that something just wasn't right and hadn't stop asking his mommy some questions.

 

After an hour, Gus was sleeping on Mel's shoulder. Melanie was berating herself for agreeing with Lindsay for coming to the hospital with Gus. The kid didn't need this stress over his daddy. But Lindsay was insistent that they should all go after Ted had called Melanie about what happened.

 

Michael and Debbie had gone to the station again to ask about Brian but no one was giving them information. Michael was shouting every time the nurse would tell him, “The doctor will come out if he is through with the patient.”

 

“But it's been an hour!”

 

“Sir, your friend was in a car accident, not being treated for flu.” The other nurse said shaking his head like he could not believe the audacity of Michael.

 

“Michael, let's go and sit back again. Let the doctor work on Brian and wait for them to come out and tell us about Brian's condition.” Debbie said steering his son away from the already pissed off nurse.

 

“But why's no one coming out telling me something?” Michael asked coming back to sit on the chair.

 

“They will come out, Michael. If they have something to tell us, they will come and inform us.” Lindsay supplied.

 

Minutes had passed, and everyone was already worried beyond belief. Brian was inside for an hour and what made Emmett and Ted more worried was the fact that Brian had seemed to bang his head again on the window. The window had even cracked from the impact. And that was only the most visible one, they didn't know the extent of Brian's other injuries.

 

A flash of movement from the entrance had caught Emmett's eyes. He zoned his sight to the distress newcomer, who was walking to the station with full intent and despair was written all over his face. Emmett had gasped and couldn't look away. He put his hand over his mouth as everyone was looking at him questioningly.

 

“Em, what's wrong, honey?” Debbie asked from somewhere to his right.

 

Emmett couldn't answer, then he whispered, “Oh my god…”

 

Then Michael followed his eyes and got his own almost popping out from the mirage he was seeing just few meters away.

 

“What's he doing here?!” Michael's shrieking got the attention of their friends and glanced over the station.

 

They all gasped in shock as they watched Justin talking to the nurse.

 

Everyone, except for Mel with Gus on her shoulder, got to their feet following the furious Michael to face Justin.

 

“Why are you here, you little shit?! Are you not done screwing Brian's head?! You get out of this building! I will not allow you to get near Brian!” Michael shouted and pushed Justin on his shoulder.

 

Ted and Emmett instinctively held each one arm of Michael, pulling him away from Justin.

 

“Sir, please settle down or I will call the security.” The nurse stood up looking at the telephone on his left.

 

Michael tried to shrug his friends hands but failed, then he flickered his eyes at the nurse, sneering, “You can't throw me out, I'm Brian's medical proxy! I want you to kick this asshole out of this premise! I forbid him from seeing Brian!”

 

“Well, I'm sorry, Sir. But we need Mr. Taylor here to sign some consent papers and the insurance for Mr. Kinney’s surgery.” The nurse shifted his eyes to Justin. “Did you have the legal papers with you, Mr. Taylor?”

 

Justin who chose to be quite, nodded his head and handed a folder to the nurse who started leafing through it.

 

“I have my partnership ID here, too.” He frantically fished his wallet for his ID and showed it to the nurse, who only nodded.

 

“I know. We already see Mr. Kinney’s ID, that's where we saw your name. Come with me and you can do the paperwork in a more quiet room.” The nurse tilted his head to the side, asking Justin to follow him.

 

“Wait, Wait, Wait! Why are asking for his consent? I am Brian's proxy not this little shit! I will sue this hospital if you will not throw him out, now!” Michael was flushing with anger, they were quite making a scene at the middle of the hospital lobby.

 

“Sir, I suggest that you go to the waiting room and let the legal partner of Mr. Kinney do what he needs to do.” 

 

That had elicited a collective gasping from the people behind Michael.

 

“That… that can't be rig--” Michael said in a state of shock. Debbie was steering him away again by his shoulders, followed by the equally shocked Lindsay, who didn't even acknowledge the presence of Justin.

 

Emmett tentatively approached Justin, while Ted stayed where he was. 

 

“Hi, Em.” Justin greeted, his eyes were suddenly filled with tears, and Emmett walked the remaining distance and hugged Justin.

 

“My god, baby.” Emmett whispered. After few seconds, they pulled apart and Justin smiled sadly.

 

“I'm sorry, guys, but I need to do the papers they needed for Brian.” Justin wiped his face with the heels of his palms.

 

“That's okay, we'll be at the waiting room. You do what you need to do, baby.”

 

Justin nodded and he waved a little at Ted who smiled back at him. Then he walked with the nurse to one of the rooms in hallway.

 

Ted and Emmett silently walked back to the waiting room, and sat at the empty chairs. They were all seemed to be taken aback by the new revelation.

 

Even Melanie, who was still sitting because of Gus had been sporting a bewildered expression.

 

Michael started ranting again after his initial shock wore off. He was pacing in front of their friends, muttering and cursing Justin and the hospital administrators.

 

“They couldn't just let anyone to sign for Brian's surgery-- and what surgery? No one came here to tell me that he needed surgery. We've been waiting for an hour and that douche over there refused to tell me anything.” Michael stopped in front of Mel. “We should sue their asses, Mel. I'm the legal proxy, it's there in their files. But they called that asshole, instead? Where did they get that idea? Did Justin call the hospital?”

 

“Michael, if I heard it right, Justin has Brian's power of attorney and they have a domestic partnership. That's the reason they get a hold of Justin, he is in Brian's emergency contacts.” Melanie explained, her voice had laced with some amusement in it.

 

“But Justin is--” Lindsay started to say but Michael cut her off.

 

“No, it can't be right. Justin is out of our lives, out of Brian's life for so long!”

 

“Looks like they find their way back into each other again… and some more.” Melanie supplied. “Now, I think we all know who's daddy's heart is.” Mel had a small smile on her lips and kissed Gus’ head.

 

Michael continued his rant and it was really getting on their friends’ nerves. They tuned him out for most of his whining and watched the direction where Justin had gone a while ago, willing the blond to appear back. 

 

They were all thinking of the same thing, and if what they were thinking was right, it was just so surreal to actually happen. It was like what Emmett believed, a cosmic thing or some shit like that.

 

Not long after, a distraught looking Justin was walking out of the room where he went into. But before he could step farther from the door, a tall, good looking man, in his late thirties or early forties had approached him. They talked quietly and the man patted the teary eyed Justin on his shoulder.

 

Before anyone realized what was happening, Michael leaped to continue his verbal attack to both Justin and the man.

 

“Is this the guy helping you to con Brian? Are you two already planning Brian's money that you can grab your greedy hands on? I'll sue both of you, you are not anything to Brian, you little shit-- legal partnership bullshit.” Michael said pointing his index finger on Justin's chest.

 

“I suggest you take your finger off of my client.” The man said in the voice that said, ‘you better do as I say’. “I'm Nathaniel O’Connell. Brian and Justin's lawyer. Ms. Marcus--”, Nathan nodded on Mel's direction, who followed everyone to the hallways.

 

“You know him, Mel?” Lindsay asked, narrowing her eyes at her.

 

“Yeah.” She said walking to Ted and gave the sleeping Gus to him. “He's a lawyer, of course I know him. I didn't know Brian is your client, though, Mr. O’Connell.”

 

“Because it's not true. They both planned this.” Michael was pointing to Justin again.

 

“I have all the notarized documents of their domestic partnership and the power of attorneys. Melanie can attest to you that those things can't be faked, I have my whole career in line if I do that and I don't have any reasons to do it in the first place. Brian is just paying me to do my job and so I do them.” Nathan said sternly.

 

“Daddy's heart?” Gus’ sleepy yet surprise voice was heard. He sounded like he wasn't sure that it was Justin that he was seeing. “Daddy's heart, you're here!” He excitedly said, wriggling to get off Ted’s arms to get to Justin.

 

When he did, he jumped onto Justin's arms who lifted him closer to his chest. Justin closed his eyes and hugged the mini-Brian tightly, he was trying so hard not to cry. He didn't want Gus to get worried from him having an outburst.

 

“Yeah, it's me Gus…” Justin kissed the kid’s head. “It's me, your daddy's heart.”

 

***

 

Justin was checking the salmon in the oven after he finished fixing the table. He wanted Brian to have a quiet night, they could eat and relax, then talk tomorrow.

 

He contemplated preparing the tub for Brian's bath, but thought against it. Brian might want to sleep after eating, and so, he'd wait for what his partner might actually prefer to do.

 

Justin sat in front of the TV, it would at least take his mind off of what would happen after he and Brian talk, how would Brian take on after learning the truth.

 

He guessed, the show he was watching wasn't that interesting because his mind was still occupied with Brian. He checked the clock above the mantle, he was surprised it was already an hour since Brian texted him.

 

He checked on the salmon again and made sure it was warming perfectly in the oven, and took two wine glasses from the cupboard.

 

Ten minutes later and Brian hadn't still shown up, Justin began to get worried. He didn't know if he should call Brian or just wait for him. Somewhere in his mind was telling him that Brian might've changed his mind about coming home, but Justin knew Brian had meant what he said and that was what he was going to believe.

 

The silence of the house had interrupted with a loud shrilling sounds of their house phone. Justin was startled that he had jumped from the sound.

 

He went to answer it with his heart beating so fast. “Hello?”

 

“Mr. Justin Taylor?” The voice on the other line asked.

 

“Yeah, I'm Justin Taylor. Wha-- who's this?” He tentatively asked.

 

“I'm Grace Martin, I'm calling from Allegheny General Hospital. Do you know a Brian Kinney?”

 

Justin's knees wobbled and he held onto the edge of the kitchen island.

 

“What's wrong with my partner? Did something happen to Brian?” Justin's voice cracked with emotions.

 

“Mr. Taylor, your partner was in a car accident roughly thirty minutes ago. We found his wallet with your partnership ID. The extent of his injuries aren't still determined as of yet, but his head hit the side window and his spleen is badly damaged. We need to perform an emergency surgery to remove it, but we need your permission now. When you come to the hospital, you can sign all the paperworks to consent.”

 

“Yes, yes-- of course, do whatever you need, please.”

 

“Okay, Mr. Taylor. When you arrive, you can tell Toby, the nurse at the station, that you are there to sign for Mr. Kinney’s consent and fill up his insurance. I'll leave all the papers with him. Bring your legal papers, too, just in case.”

 

“I will-- please, Grace, please help Brian. I'm coming over there, now.”

 

“We will, Mr. Taylor. Please try not to worry so much, and please drive carefully.”

 

Justin ended the call and tried to focus on the things that he needed to do. First, he turned the TV and oven off, then he went to Brian's study to take the documents with him while calling a cab from his phone.

 

When he was in the cab, he called Nathan informing him about Brian. He told him that he'd be at the hospital in few minutes.

 

Justin arrived and went straight to the station telling Toby who he was. Toby was actually relieved seeing him and Justin just thought it might be because of the papers he needed to sign.

 

But before they could get any more words about signing papers, Michael came barreling towards him. He was asking why he was there, calling Justin names. He wasn't really up to have a verbal match with anyone, especially Michael. No, not right now. He just wanted Brian to get better, his inside was churning and he was really, really scared.

 

Toby thankfully intervened, threatening to throw Michael if he'd not settle down, which made Michael to counter threat him, too. Toby even smugly explained about Justin's significance being there that had at least rendered the group into silence.

 

Toby took that chance and get him away from the group that somehow got Toby annoyed, but not before Emmett giving him a hug. That felt so good, a friendly hug, a sincere gesture, was what Justin needed at that time. And so he tear up a little.

 

Toby took him to a room two doors from the station and let him sit comfortably on a conference table. He place a folder in front of him, smiling a little and said, “Here are all the papers to sign, Mr. Taylor. I'm just right outside the door.”

 

Justin nodded. “Thank you, Toby.”

 

Toby smiled, “I know you can't help but worry for your partner, but splenectomy isn't really complicated. The doctors are more concerned about the head trauma especially when it is the second one in two years. But it seems, Mr. Kinney doesn't need another surgery for his head. I'll make sure the doctor will find you after the surgery.”

 

“Thanks, again.” Justin nodded his head and started to open the file while Toby went out of the room.

 

Justin tried to carefully read the papers before signing and he also filled out the insurance papers. After filling everything, he stepped out of the room to find Nathan waiting for him. He approached Justin, asking about Brian's condition which Justin didn't exactly really know. 

 

Then Nathan was telling him he already fixed anything that might question his and Brian's legalities. He made sure that the doctors would inform Justin first and foremost about anything concerning Brian's medical conditions.

 

Justin was tearfully thanking him for his help, until Michael came to accuse Justin of his overactive imagination. Nathan had set him and anyone, who had a problem with Justin being Brian's partner, straight.

 

He could see they were all shocked at what they heard, but no one really challenged Justin's place in all this especially after Nathan’s words, except for Michael.

 

Then Gus had suddenly woke up, and Justin was struggling with his emotions when Gus leaped up to his arms. But Justin held it together, barely, but he thought he made a good job restraining his tears.

 

“Isn't it a little late for you to be still out of bed?” Justin asked the kid in a soft tone but was looking at Lindsay, then Melanie. Why those two thought bringing Gus to the hospital was a good idea, Justin couldn't understand.

 

“Daddy is hurt, daddy's heart.” Gus whispered looking up at Justin with eyes suddenly heavy with tears.

 

“Hey, hey-- listen to daddy's heart, Super Gus, daddy will be alright, okay? The doctors are helping him. But now, you should be resting so you will be as tall and strong as daddy. Do you want that?”

 

Gus nodded enthusiastically. “Yes!” He turned to look at Mel. “I want to sleep now in my bed, mama.”

 

Mel nodded, looking a little relieved.

 

Gus turned back to looped his small arms around Justin's neck and kissed his cheeks. “I love you, daddy's heart. Tell daddy I love him, too. Okay?”

 

Justin bit his lips to stop his eyes from bawling, instead he kissed Gus’ head and whispered, “I'll make sure to tell daddy that. Now, be good for mama Mel.”

 

Mel came forward to take Gus from Justin, then put him down to the ground. He was getting heavier and Mel was a little afraid to stress herself from carrying Gus, she still wasn't through with her first trimester.

 

She took Justin to her arms which surprised the both of them, and said, “Nice to see you again, kiddo. I hope it's in better circumstances, but we are here-- so, welcome back.”

 

Justin smiled and thanked her for her thoughtfulness. Melanie had always liked him.

 

“We'll be going, everyone. Gus needs to rest. Linds, call me if anything happens, okay?” And without waiting for her wife’s answer, Mel took hold of Gus’ tiny hand and walked away.

 

But Lindsay ran and stopped her. “Why are you leaving me here, alone?”

 

Mel looked at her like she just grew another head. “You are not alone, Linds. Everyone is here, and Gus needs to rest. I have told you before that he doesn't need to come here and witnessed all this.”

 

“Why not? He is Brian's son. His father would want to see him when he woke up.” Lindsay told her.

 

“I don't think Brian would want Gus to see him in this condition. Don't you realize this can be traumatic to Gus.” Then Melanie suddenly looked a little horrified. 

 

“God, why I haven't think of that before, why did I agree to bring Gus here when I know it would never be about Gus and Brian-- it's always about you, Linds.” She took a deep breath and looked at Lindsay. 

 

“I'm bringing Gus home. Whatever plan you have in that blonde head of yours, stop it before you lose everything.”

 

“Are you threatening me?” Lindsay asked condescendingly.

 

“Of course, not, dear.” Mel looked back at them and nodded her head once, then they walked away from them heading to the entrance.

 

“I don't appreciate you telling Gus that his daddy would be okay when we don't know if he's going to be. It's not fair to lie to my son, Justin.” Lindsay said after facing him.

 

“What do you want me to say to your four years old son? That his daddy is lying on an operating table and being cut opened by the doctors? It's traumatic to a kid his age, Lindsay!” Justin was steaming.

 

An uncomfortable silence had befallen them, and before anyone could say anything, a voice calling Justin's name was heard coming from their back.

 

“Mr. Taylor?”

 

Justin turned to face the caller and found it was the doctor. He slightly raised his arm and walked the short distance to the doctor who was standing near Toby.

 

“Doctor, how's Brian?” Justin asked.

 

“Mr. Taylor, I want to talk to you at my office. Please follow me--” The doctor was interrupted by Michael's loud voice.

 

“Why do you believe his bullshit, he is not Brian's anything! I am his medical proxy, I was the one you talked with two years ago, remember? I was there and not him-- so why are you talking to him and not me?!”

 

“Mr.--”

 

“Novotny, Michael Novotny.” He supplied.

 

“Yes, Mr. Novotny, I remember too well. But, this time is different, Mr. Kinney has a very detailed lists in his wallet. He has an in case of emergency contact list, which is Mr. Taylor. He had a partnership ID and the spouse’s name is Mr. Taylor, as well. So, it was obvious who Mr. Kinney wants to be notified in case of an emergency like this. We learned that Mr. Taylor has Mr. Kinney’s power of attorney and it's all been supplied with documents. So, you see, it's Mr. Taylor that I need to be discussing about Brian's condition. If you'll excuse us… Mr. Taylor, right this way.” The doctor turned his back from the group, expecting Justin to follow. 

 

They could still hear murmurs from behind, but Justin thought he heard Debbie chastising Michael to stop harassing everyone.

 

The doctor lead Justin to the door at the end of the hallway. He let Justin passed and they both seated, with the doctor behind the table while Justin sat on the chair facing the doctor.

 

“Mr. Taylor, I'm Dr. Rodriguez. Mr. Kinney is my patient since his first accident over two years ago. As you know, he has suffered from memory loss and haven't recovered any, yet-- as far as I'm concerned. With this accident, we are more concerned about the effects it would have to his head. Not that we aren't concerned with his other injuries, but because he already took severe trauma to his head and haven't fully recovered from it, yet.”

 

Justin felt like he was breathing underwater, like a current was pulling him down sinking to the bottom of the sea.

 

“The thing is, Mr. Taylor, we won't have any idea into what extent his head trauma this time would be, until Brian will wake up from his surgery. Even so, we need him fully out of anesthesia and his pain killers be reduced to properly assess anything regarding his head. One thing that I can gladly tell you right now, is that Brian is out of surgery-- a successful one without complications in and out of the operating table. He's not in coma and we are strictly monitoring if he needed for a drug induce one, but as of this moment, we don't see the need to do it.”

 

Justin was listening intently, he wanted to understand everything.

 

“They are transferring him to ICU after his recovery time in roughly an hour. You can stay with him, but I only recommend you for now, until we can fully assess Mr. Kinney’s head. We don't want to stress the patient more than he already is.”

 

Justin was so relieved that he could get to be with his partner.

 

“What are his other injuries, doc? I mean apart from his head and damaged spleen.”

 

“He has a left shoulder and arm contusions, the lateral end if his clavicle was dislocated but it didn't need a surgery to fix it. It will heal in its own time. Mr. Kinney should take it easy for 2 weeks, and the recovery time for healing is 4 to 6 weeks.”

 

Justin nodded, preparing himself living in hospital rooms because he wasn't going to leave Brian. Not this time, not ever again.

 

“Mr. Taylor, can I ask some questions not relating to Mr. Kinney’s accident?” The doctor looked at him.

 

“Uh--sure. What do you want to know?” Justin asked, a little curious about what the doctor was about to ask.

 

“Do you know Mr. Kinney before his first accident?”

 

Justin looked at Dr. Rodriguez for a while and nodded.

 

“Yeah, we were together but we have broken up before his accident. And…” Justin trailed off, looking down to his hands on his lap.

 

“You were banned from getting to him.” The doctor knowingly said.

 

Justin nodded. “I couldn't do anything… I mean, I guess, I could but-- I messed up everything, I was messed up. I let Michael get into my head and… I thought, I really thought I was doing Brian a favor by staying away. Now I know that it was a mistake, a big mistake. A mistake that I seemed to always do.”

 

“I'm not here to judge, God knows how I messed up with my marriage. We all messed up once or twice in our life. It's part of the process, but Justin-- may I call you, Justin?” When Justin nodded, Dr. Rodriguez continued, “I was reviewing Mr. Kinney’s old file, just to freshen my knowledge. I came with the paramedics’ report about that night. It was noted that Mr. Kinney was calling for a name-- Justin-- over and over again when he woke up a bit while being transported here, he was completely unconscious just before they arrived.”

 

Justin bit his lips, trying not to succumb to his emotions.

 

“Tonight, it was almost the same, he was unconscious when the help arrived, but woke up for twenty seconds or less while they were transporting him here, and he was calling the same name for that little time he was conscious. It's safe to say that Mr. Kinney was calling your name.”

 

Justin had to clench his jaw to keep himself from having a nervous breakdown in front of the doctor.

 

“What I want to tell you, and I don't have a proof for this, yet. But I'm inclined into thinking that Mr. Kinney’s recovery for his initial trauma was compromised. I have explained it to Mr. Novotny before. The patient couldn't have too much information especially when the information wasn't right or true. It would cause false memory and inaccuracies, sometimes it would have a severe irreversible effects. It's human brain, so hard to explain and with Brian, he didn't have even a flash of memory for the last two years and a half-- not a single one, that's why I reckoned that it might have been compromised. I can also be wrong.”

 

Dr. Rodriguez leaned forward on his table bringing his twined hands in front of him.

 

“I recommended a therapist before I discharged him, but he never did seek for one. I talked to Mr. Novotny, too and he said it was up to Brian if he wanted to have one. I may be overstepping here, but I sense he has too much influence over Mr. Kinney. I just want him to try doing the therapy, open up something… anything, to someone who knows how to help, psychologically speaking. I think something is keeping his memory locked. Might be from the physical trauma his head had suffered or from the emotional one, that subconsciously, he wanted to personally forget. As I told you, it's human brain, very unique and complex.”

 

“Doc, I want to help, Brian, in anyway that I can. But, trying is the only way with Brian and that is the only thing that I can promise.”

 

“That's the only answer that I'm hoping for, Justin.”

 

“Can I ask something, doc?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“What irreversible effects are you talking about a while ago, I mean-- when Brian was being influenced by others to cause false memory, what would it do to Brian in a long run?”

 

“It would be hard for his brain to separate the real memory to the false one, causing it to be hard for him to know the accuracy of his memory, it will do something to his psych, leaving him doubting everything. Some wouldn't remember anything again, or just parts of it. But because Mr. Kinney still hasn't remember a thing from his eleven years, we are still in the blanks about the extent of negative effects of the false informations, if there was any.” The doctor was looking at Justin like he knew that there was.

 

“When was the last time Brian had seen you, I mean does he still have any follow up appointments?”

 

“Appointments are confidential, but-- yes, he still have a six months check ups. The last time, he seemed smiley and happy. But he told me for the first time how scared he was if he wouldn't retrieve his memory. He was physically fine, almost perfect actually. No lasting side effects from his past traumas, well, except for the amnesia.”

 

“Dr. Rodriguez, thank you so much for giving me the time to explain everything. I would like to see Brian when he settled in ICU. I want to ask if there's anyway that I can sit with him through the night?”

 

“Okay, I will instruct the nurse to give you a cot in the room. I don't think Brian needed to be in there for long, but we'd monitor him for 24 hours. If the result is good and promising, we can transfer him to a regular room. You will have a more comfortable cot over there. That time we can start our assessment on his head.”

 

Justin thanked the good doctor again, they shook hands and he was being led to the ICU waiting room.

 

“I think, it's best for you to wait here. The nurse will tell you when Mr. Kinney is all settled in.”

 

Justin nodded and patiently waited for the nurse to bring him to Brian. He texted Nathan that he was already in ICU waiting room and the doctor would not allow any visitors until Brian would be in regular room. He asked Nathan to tell the others about it.

 

Nathan didn't reply until almost fifteen minutes. His message was about Michael going hysterical learning about the restrictions of visitors in ICU. He was finally got thrown out by the security and had a warning for his next visits. The others had walked out with him.

 

Lindsay was shouting with Mel on the phone, but left the hospital after talking to her.

 

Nathan said, he would be available anytime Justin needed anything, legal matters or not. Justin thanked him for his big help, he was so relieved that Brian had a presence of mind when it came to matters like this.

 

When the nurse came and brought him to Brian's room, Justin was trying his best to collect himself. Brian needed him, he needed someone who he could lean on and not the other way around.

 

Justin bit his lower lip as he enters the room, it was a bit dim, but eerily quiet. Brian looked okay, in a sense where he didn't have any cuts and bruises except for the one on his forehead. His shoulder was wrapped with bandages, there was also one on his upper abdomen. But other than that, there were no more visible physical injuries.

 

But then it was the psychological one that they were all most worried about. And no one could even determined the extent of the damage this time, not until Brian was clear from anesthesia and pain killers.

 

Justin tentatively held the hand that was on the side of the bed, it was warm. He couldn't help leaning down and kissing it as gentle as he could. When his tears fell down, he quickly wiped it and ran his hand on his partner's arm instead.

 

“You can do it, Brian. This time, you have me by your side and we will do it together. We can get through this together. I'm here, your mo chroí, and I'll never leave you again.” Justin whispered.

 

Yeah, he would never do what he did the first time Brian had an accident. He gave up on him easily, but not because he didn't love him anymore, it was because of the shame he was feeling. The guilt for cheating on him, then the regrets of hurting him again just hours before the car accident. Everything just crashed on him all at the same time and he gave up from the pressure of handling it.

 

Then Michael came in the inopportune time when he was already feeling so down and full of guilts.

 

The night of Brian's first accident was the night Justin had made the second mistake of his life, he chose to hurt Brian again. Few hours before his car crashed, Justin was in a position where he could have rightened the mistake he did by leaving Brian for Ethan, but for some reasons-- Justin turned his back on him and left Brian so broken and hurt… yet again.

 

 

Justin thought he could find what he wanted by being with someone who was opened with their feelings, expressing it freely and openly, showing him with gestures and words. In the beginning he thought it was great, it was perfect, and maybe it really was.

 

He found out that it felt really good when someone gave him attention and romance him without fearing it would backfire tenfold when the guy came to realize that he made something that he wasn't supposed to do. It felt great just to be treated like you are the only one in his life, that your opinion matters and your presence was appreciated.

 

Justin lived through it, waking up with a flower on his chest, breakfast in bed and picnics on the roof with the moon and stars the only light shining on them. But somehow, something was missing, he was blissfully happy living his dream romantic life, but it still felt so hollow.

 

As the weeks went by, Justin was missing everyone so much, especially Brian. He had quit the diner the day after the Rage party when Michael cornered him, and told him that he wasn't wanted anymore. Michael told him that it was best if he wouldn't show his face anywhere they frequented. Justin had his chance with Brian but chose to fuck him over, cheated and lied on, and Brian would never forgive him for embarrassing him like that.

 

When Justin went home that night, he thought so long and hard. At the end, he decided that Michael was right. Brian had never promised him anything and always told him the door had no locks. Justin couldn't handle his emotions from the lack of one from Brian. It wasn't Brian's fault that he didn't show or tell Justin what he wanted to hear, he was just Brian being Brian-- Justin got prisoner by his own emotions and his young mind and being inexperienced, leading him to this new phase of his life.

 

Justin loved Brian so much, so much that it still ached when he remembered them together. He was in bed with another man, instead of being with the one that he loved the most. But he already made the decision and Justin had already broken his and Brian's relationship apart in a quest for the romance that he longed to have. 

 

He couldn't waste the sacrifices he did of breaking up with Brian, and so he needed his relationship with Ethan to prosper, he needed it to last.

 

And he decided to just cut his Liberty Avenue family off. He came to the scene because of Brian, and now that they weren't together anymore, he would just disappear like he wasn't even there at all. It wasn't the best way to deal with his heartache, to deal with being apart from Brian, but it was too hard for Justin to be around them and around Brian when he knew he couldn't even hold the man’s hand or kiss his lips anymore. It would be hard to get used to his new life with Ethan when he would still surround himself to the life that he had for almost two years.

 

That was when he decided to quit the diner, change his number and didn't go to any place where he knew the gangs could be there. A clean break up was what he needed.

 

But as weeks went by, he missed Brian even more than he thought possible. Then his semester was almost finished and the bursar’s office was ready to ask for the next one. He knew he couldn't afford the tuition anymore and he really didn't want to stop his studies either.

 

A week later, he went to talk to the bursar's officer, asking how he could have some financial aid.

 

But the officer had told him he didn't have to worry about his tuition the next semester, it was already been paid, in full.

 

Justin hadn't expected that. Brian couldn't possibly pay for his tuition, not when he wasn't with him anymore. He didn't want Brian to do that, but what choices did Justin had?

 

This was a huge deal for Justin, something that he couldn't just overlook or shrugged off. He wanted to thank Brian personally and thought to pay him a visit.

 

It had been just a month since he last stepped on the loft building. It was a long one month, but Justin had survived. He was so nervous, and prayed that Brian was at least alone.

 

It was eight in the evening and he knew Brian was still in his home, it was still early for Babylon, even for Woody's, but he didn't see his jeep down there. He knocked on the metal door and try to hear from inside if he was in there, and after his second knocking, the lock was released and the door had slid open.

 

Brian's face registered a bit shock, but he immediately covered it and gestured his hand for Justin to come inside.

 

“Hey, Brian.” He greeted.

 

“Hey, sunshine. What makes you visit my humble abode?” Brian asked while walking to the kitchen and took two bottles of water from the fridge. He settled it on the kitchen island, while Justin sat on one stool.

 

“Brian, I just want to say thank you. You don't have to, you know-- but I'm not in the position to turn anything down. I guess, I just want you to know how grateful I am.” Justin bit his lip.

 

Brian didn't say anything for a while, he just nodded and looked at Justin thoughtfully. 

 

“How are you?” He suddenly asked that made Justin looked up at him in surprise.

 

“I'm good.” He answered and absently worried his lips.

 

“You will not ask me how was I?” Brian asked, a small smile curving his lips. He walked from the other side of the island to the stool next to Justin.

 

“So rude of me, sorry, so-- how are you?” Justin chortled, feeling a little bit at ease.

 

“I've been good.” Brian said in his low voice, looking at Justin's lips intently.

 

The next thing that happened was something that Justin hadn't known who initiated. They could have moved together meeting halfway, or maybe it was him who leaned forward or maybe it was Brian. But what Justin did know, they were both clawing at their clothes and kissing each other like they hadn't kissed in forever. And in a manner of speaking, yes, they hadn't kissed in forever.

 

In just minutes, Brian was inside him, furiously thrusting into his quirking hole. Justin locked his feet together at Brian's back, moving against Brian to make the penetration even more deeper.

 

Brian was growling and was kissing him nonstop, it was so animalistic, and Justin was so out of it. He had missed this, he was missing Brian, he never even thought he could have this again.

 

Just two nights ago, Ethan had surprised him with a roof picnic once again, the weather in June was just right, and they were lying cuddled up together after eating some cheese and crackers. But Justin closed his eyes and imagined it was Brian who was holding him instead. He smiled and soaked at the feeling of being in Brian's arms-- even just in his own mind.

 

But now, he was here being pounded by Brian, and it was real, it wasn't some phantom dream that would be gone as he opened his eyes.

 

Brian moaned into his mouth again, moaning his name while nipping on his lips. He was sure he would be sore all over but it was pure heaven and Justin didn't want it to end.

 

When they both came, panting into each other's mouths, Justin kept his arms locked on Brian's back, not wanting to be disconnected. 

 

After a while, when Brian really needed to pull out, he just threw the condom off and proceeded to kiss Justin again. Justin answered back with his own ferocity and decided to roll them over and ride Brian's cock for their second round of hot steamy sex.

 

After couple of hours, they were both catching up with their breaths and just lying next to each other. Justin was contemplating standing up and leave before Brian could throw him out, he didn't think Brian would do that, but he didn't want to stay and find out for himself.

 

But before he could do anything, the phone rang on the counter at the kitchen. Brian ignored it, but when it went to voicemail, Michael's voice came out loud and clear.

 

“Briaannn, where are you?” They could hear the loud thumpa thumpa of Babylon at the background. “I have been waiting for an hour. Did you find a trick and fucking him right now?” Justin stiffened after hearing that. “If you are, well, fuck him fast and hard then throw him out. Ten minutes, Brian, I'm waiting for only ten minutes. Bye.”

 

The tension that suddenly surrounded them had been thicker than the molasses. Justin cleared his throat and sat up, smiling a little at Brian.

 

“I guess, I have to go.” He said, then without waiting for anything-- not like he expected Brian to do anything-- he walked down to the stairs and picked up his clothes. Brian was quiet when he was dressing up.

 

He returned to the bedroom, all dressed up and leaned down to kiss Brian's cheek one more time. “Thank you, again.”

 

Then he was gone.

 

Justin didn't sleep that whole night, and he was missing Daphne terribly. She was really great with advice, and Justin thought that he needed one so badly.

 

He went on with his life after that night, and it was harder after he had felt how great it was being with Brian again. But he knew not to crave for it, he knew it was something that he couldn't have again.

 

The call had come after a week of going to the loft. Justin was staring at his phone while standing on a curb in front of the restaurant that he was working, trying not to think that he was going crazy. He answered it after the fifth ring.

 

“Brian…?” He asked tentatively.

 

“Why so surprised?” Brian answered in lieu of the greetings.

 

“I don't know, maybe because I don't know how you get my phone number?”

 

“Oh, that. Between the second and third round.” Brian said sounding amused.

 

“What?” Justin was out of the loop.

 

“I called my phone using yours when you went to pee after our second fuck.”

 

God, Brian knew how to torture him.

 

“Okay. So, why are you calling me?”

 

“You look hot when you are confused.” Was what the answer came.

 

“Brian, what are you talking about?” Justin was really confused.

 

“Look to your right, 2 o'clock.” 

 

When Justin did, Brian waved from inside a corvette that Justin didn't even know that he had. He walked to the car’s direction and said to the phone, “Nice ride.”

 

“You like it?” Came the proud voice of Brian.

 

“Sexy, yeah. But I'm all for comfort.”

 

“Bummer.” Justin chuckled at Brian's answer.

 

Then Justin ended the call as he opened the car’s passenger door and slid inside.

 

“Hey.” Justin greeted.

 

“Hey yourself.” Brian answered while gunning the engine and within minutes he was driving to the loft.

 

There were no words necessary, and Justin didn't care if what was happening with him and Brian was so wrong in any sense. He just wanted to feel Brian again, if this was the last time, he wanted it to commit to his memory.

 

They fucked three times in just over two hours, then Justin got dressed to get home. Brian told him he would give him a ride and didn't give Justin the chance to refuse.

 

Brian didn't say anything when they arrived at his neighborhood, and Justin honestly didn't want to hear any mocking from him.

 

They parted without any words, just like how they got together hours before. Words were overrated, Justin thought.

 

The next meeting was through a text message, it was three days after the last one, it only said, ‘Marriott. R1125.1800H.’

 

They had a feast that night, both with foods and fucks, and Justin loved that Brian let him to top-- not once but twice in one night. He went home the next morning, all sore but blissful.

 

They had been seeing frequently after that, almost every other day for couple of hours, and sometimes they spent the Saturday night at a hotel. Ethan was starting to question about his whereabouts and the tension in their apartment was high especially when he would be gone the whole night. Justin made sure to limit their nights at the hotel, which he felt Brian wanted them to have more.

 

After almost two months of seeing each other secretly, Brian asked Justin for a whole Saturday night and Sunday morning at Four Season. Justin had been a little hesitant to agree due to the fact that Ethan would bite his head off for another overnight sleep.

 

As predicted, Ethan had yelled when Justin told him he needed to finish a painting that night. Ethan had told him that he was suspecting Justin was screwing behind his back, and when Justin answered that he couldn't control Ethan’s mind, Ethan told him to be careful.

 

“What do you mean? Are you threatening me?”

 

Ethan looked at him, eyes becoming soft as he sat on their bed.

 

“I'm not. What I mean, if you are thinking of going back to Brian, just think of the reasons why you've chosen me in the first place.” Ethan ran his fingers on his curly locks, “He will not change, Justin. Not for anyone, not even for you. You will just keep this cycle over and over again, because Brian will always be Brian.”

 

“I'm not--”

 

“I can't tell you what to do, or what to think. I love you, Justin, and I want to give everything that I can to make you stay with me. I'll continue loving you until you want me to, just you and me, Justin. You don't have to worry about going home to a trick in our home, no emotional stress, no best friends interference, no other people will come before you. That's what I can give you, Justin.

 

“Go and paint or whatever you have to do tonight. But please, make this night be the time to question yourself of what you really want. I will be here, right here, waiting for you.”

 

Justin left their apartment in a daze. Ethan had a point, he was right when it came to those things about Brian. He had hit it right into the core of his problems when he was with Brian leading to the night that he left. And everyone knew, Justin knew that Brian would never give those things to him, he would never give up the life that he was living for so long-- not for Justin. He was in love, and still in love with Brian, the sex was phenomenal but the time that he would get fed up again from the lack of emotions from Brian or the non stop tricking was sadly imminent.

 

He walked the hallway of the Four Season to their room, his mind was still occupied. He knew he couldn't keep doing this, he shouldn't keep doing this to himself, but Justin couldn't stay away.

 

When he was about to knock on the door, it suddenly opened in front of him. A waiter in uniform was coming out of the room, he was tall with tanned skin-- just how Brian liked his men, he looked at Justin for a second then smirked at him.

 

“Are you the next one?” Justin didn't answer, he just caught the door before it closed on him. “Good luck, I hope you lubed up so well, he could tear you-- he is huge and rough as fuck.” The guy smirked, then turned to leave.

 

Justin felt like someone had punched him in the gut as he pushed the door wide open.

 

“I thought I told you to get your ass out of he-- oh, hey. I thought I could still hear that asshole waiter.” Brian was coming out of the bedroom door of the hotel suite. He was only in his wife beater and faded jeans, unbuttoned.

 

Justin closed the door quietly while Brian looped his arms on his chest from behind, kissing his nape and sniffing his scent there. Brian always loved his neck.

 

“You're a little late.” He whispered, but he didn't let Justin say anything and attacked his neck intensely. “Hmm, I missed you.”

 

Justin wanted to cry at that moment, how could Brian hurt him and made him happy all at the same time. He loved to hear him saying he missed Justin, but his head was screaming, ‘You didn't seem to miss me that much, you just had your appetizer minutes before I came.’

 

Brian knew that he was coming, he was late by ten minutes and Brian couldn't even keep his cock that long while waiting for him.

 

If Justin was in his right mind, though, he'd know that Brian was clear with any human scent that wasn't his own. But Justin wasn't thinking so well.

 

Brian fucked him in front of the fireplace in the living room of the suite. It was an elegant and luxurious suite, but Justin couldn't even appreciate it, his head was so messed up.

 

“I know you're hungry, and I ordered some dinner. It's on the dining table. Wanna eat?” Brian asked while running his hand on Justin's arm. 

 

Justin looked up at him, he smiled a little, then nodded. Brian helped him to stand and lead him to the food that was still covered with steel dome cover. They ate the meals in silence and Justin hadn't said a word since he stepped into the room. Brian kept on glancing at him.

 

They showered afterwards, and Brian fucked him against the shower wall. Then they proceeded to the bed and Brian handed him a condom and told him that he wanted Justin's dick up his ass, then kissed Justin's lips so fervently.

 

After three hours and three fucks later, Brian's breathing had began to get even. He started to have that sound in his nose when he was asleep and Justin wiggled his way out of Brian's hold. He perused the fluffy bathrobe and went to the living room, standing in front of the glass windows.

 

It was lights all over Pittsburgh, and in late August, the weather was hot. It seemed to be the opposite of how he was feeling inside. He was cold, ever since he left Brian for Ethan, he felt so cold inside. But the pain he had endured just to be with Brian was an avalanche compared to the cold he had at that moment. He had a glimpse a while ago with the waiter of what it was like or what it could be when he kept on doing this. Justin wouldn't survive the next time Brian would push him off of his cliff.

 

Arms to his chest had startled Justin. Brian pulled him closer to his body and bit his ear.

 

“What are you doing out here, Sunshine?” He whispered.

 

“Nothing, just-- I just can't sleep, that's all.” He said the first words he uttered that evening.

 

Brian kissed his neck, he had really, really, loved his neck.

 

“I have something for you.” Brian's whispered, nipping on the juncture of his shoulder.

 

Justin turned his head a little to meet Brian's eyes, and asked, “What?”

 

He released his hands from Justin, walking to his briefcase that was lying on a credenza. He pulled out an envelope and gave it to Justin.

 

Justin found two tickets to Hawaii two days from that day, he looked up curiously at Brian.

 

“I thought that it's time for us to have that vacation. It's for a week of fun under the sun, and under me.” He took Justin to his arms and kiss his ear again. “When we come back, we can move your things back to the loft again.”

 

Justin felt like dying. This wasn't happening to him. Didn't Brian know that he was killing him inside? That he was hurting Justin knowing he desperately wanted to get back with Brian, but common sense said it was just a disaster and heartache waiting to happen.

 

Brian was saying he wanted him back, this was his grand gesture of showing him he wanted them together again. Justin desperately wanted Brian back, but he honestly thought that he couldn't do it again. He was already broken, any more damage to his heart would surely end him.

 

He couldn't begrudge Brian on how he lived his life, it wasn't his fault that Justin couldn't deal with it. And so, he had decided, “I can't, Brian… I can't come with you.”

 

Brian stiffened for split second, then released him from his arms. He looked at Justin with pain in his eyes.

 

“Justin…” He trailed off, seemed to be speechless to what he wanted to say.

 

“Brian, I love you so much. You know how much I love you…” Justin's eyes had begun to tear up. “I understand you, I'm beginning to understand you and I respect what life you wanted to live. Please, understand me, too. Understand where I'm coming from.”

 

Justin bravely looked up at Brian and saw him clenched his jaw and was blinking rapidly. He knew Brian was in an unknown territory and would soon lash out on him. Justin was so sure he was so close on doing his pain management.

 

“Brian…” Justin tried to say.

 

“Shut up. Don't talk anymore.” He calmly said, too calm that Justin felt a shiver down his spine.

 

“Okay. I should leave.” He whispered and turned to get his clothes near the door. He quickly put it on, and looked back at Brian who was looking out the window like what he had done just minutes ago.

 

Justin walked up to him and hugged him from behind. This was it, this was the last time he would be with Brian and he wanted to tell him how much he loved him.

 

Brian didn't react, he just stood there with the envelope still on his hand, he didn't hug Justin back. Brian also knew that this was it. He had hurt Justin so much that he chose to be with the fiddler than going back to him. He had lost Justin forever.

 

“I love you, Brian. I love you so much.”

 

Brian let out a painful breath but still didn't move.

 

“I love you.” Justin whispered again, and turned to leave.

 

They were both thinking that what people say about love not being enough was true. Sometimes, people could love someone so much, but it wouldn't matter if one of them wasn't willing to take the risks. Justin chose the safer one and left the more complicated one, mind over heart. 

 

***

 

Brian remained standing in front of the window until he knew he could walk without his knees giving away. He put the envelope back to his briefcase and pocketed his wallet and keys. Then he left the suite without a backward glance.

 

He went home to his loft and placed his briefcase on the counter. He took the tickets out and went to crouch down on the floor by the stairs. He slid the last step forward exposing the secret compartment and taking the box out of it.

 

He opened the lid and placed the tickets inside. Brian closed the lid back and put it onto the compartment again.

 

He went to the kitchen after and drank half a bottle of water. Brian didn't expect that Justin would reject him, he honestly thought he would be happy to get back together. He knew Justin still loved him, he could see it, he could feel it. But his fear had stopped him from coming back, he instead, ran back to his fiddler for safety and his sanity.

 

Brian knew he was a hard person to love and to live with. But he knew that Justin would be it for him and he was his only chance on having a happy life with someone. He guessed, he could have made some promises to Justin, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't promised Justin something that Brian didn't know if he could keep.

 

But it hurts, it hurts to the point he couldn't breathe. It was like having a chest pain and it pained him to even let the air into his system.

 

He took his car keys back from where he threw at the counter. Then he left the loft without any destination in mind. He drove the streets of Pittsburgh at midnight, and Brian was stepping on the gas a little harder than he should have.

 

When he crossed the highway, his mind went back to Justin. The man that he loved, yeah, he loved Justin. He knew he loved the young man and he was also aware that he would not loved anyone like he loved Justin. Brian didn't know how to go on from this, he knew how hard it was when Justin left him for the fiddler. 

 

Justin told him before leaving that evening that he loved Brian so much. It was his fear that actually stopped him from coming back to him. 

 

So, what's good in living if he would suffer the rest of his existence wallowing in pain, when he could have had the one person in his life that could make his life worth living?

 

Brian was honestly tormented. Because after all these pride and egos, the no regret no apologies, it was still Justin who made him whole. He was the only one who he loved and if he was being honest, Justin was the only one who loved him so real. He really wanted Justin back.

 

The truth was, Justin had never outright demanded him for something. He just wanted to feel like he mattered and that Brian would at least made him feel that he was worth fighting for. And Justin was more than worth to give the things he deserved.

 

Brian only needed some changes, the same thing that Justin did for him when they were still together. Why was it so hard for him to do it? Did Brian needed more life threatening accident to finally wake up? Did Justin's bashing and his near death on that operating table wasn't enough wake up call? Did he really wanted to regret not getting Justin back before it was too late?

 

Brian felt his eyes were stinging with tears, but he quickly slowed down to make a U-turn. He'd go to Justin and Ethan’s apartment. He was going to talk to Justin again, he'd make sure to make Justin understand that Brian would do anything for him. That he was ready to fight for him.

 

With renewed determination, he stepped on the gas to get to Justin's new place, a place that always worried Brian for Justin's safety. 

 

He didn't know he drove so far away from downtown Pittsburgh and had to exit from the freeway, but before he could change lanes, a speeding sports car appeared to overtake him from his right. Brian had to quickly maneuver the steering wheel counterclockwise, but from the speed that he was taking, the brakes were just too late to completely halt the car and to keep it from colliding with the concrete barriers on his left.

 

Brian's Vette was totaled from the front, it had gotten most of the impact, though, saving Brian from more injuries.

 

***

 

Justin went home from the hotel with heavy heart, he walked all the way to his apartment and used the time to contemplate on what he just did with Brian inside that hotel suite.

 

Brian had practically asked him to take him back again, showing whatever had happened, despite Justin's cheating issues, he still wanted to be with him. And god knows how much Justin wanted to go back crawling into Brian's arms. It was obvious from the way he was seeing him secretly, cheating on Ethan, and putting his heart on the line again.

 

But he was just so confused, and so messed up that he couldn't even think clearly. He knew in his heart that he loved Brian more than anything in this world, but he couldn't give him the things and the future that Justin always dreamed about.

 

But was it really that important to have your dreams be fulfilled? Was it important enough that it wouldn't matter fulfilling it with someone that wasn't the love of your life? Would that still be considered fulfilled dreams when the one that you've been dreaming to be with wasn't part of the future you've been considering?

 

He opened the apartment with red rimmed eyes. Ethan looked up from the table he was reading, and broke out into a relieved smile. The happiness he felt was radiating from his body.

 

But Justin didn't say anything, he just walked up to their room and toed off his shoes. Ethan came to the room and hugged Justin from behind. Justin shivered from the memory of that evening, Brian hugging him from behind and kissing his neck, whispering he missed him.

 

But then Ethan moved his hand to the front of Justin's pants and biting on his neck. Justin felt like throwing up, he felt dizzy thinking what he had left on that hotel room, how he had hurt the man that he professed to love and turned his back on him in fear that he couldn't handle the future with him.

 

Then, his mind went back to the man licking and sucking on his neck, the one who was stroking his dick inside his pants. Could he really see himself being with Ethan for all his life? Ten years? Twenty years?

 

Did he really just chose Ethan over Brian, the man who would forever be in his heart, no matter what?

 

“Ethan, no-- not tonight…” He said, moving away from the man.

 

“Justin…”

 

“No-- God! I'm so stupid…” He said to himself, his eyes were watering again. “I can't believe I said that to him.”

 

“What? You said what? What are you talking about?” Ethan asked confusedly.

 

Justin looked up at him, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “This is a mistake, Ethan. I would never be happy with you. I made my biggest mistake when I first left Brian for you, for romance and shit. Tonight…” Justin sat on the end of the bed, “... God, tonight, I make an even bigger one by refusing to come back to him.”

 

“So, you've been cheating on me, like you've been cheating on Brian before? I knew it, but I gave you the chance to see what's the best option for you, Justin, because I love you. I have promised to give you the life that Brian couldn't give you.” Ethan said in an angry voice. 

 

Justin couldn't blame him, he was angry with himself, too. He was so selfish screwing these two men's lives just because of some fantasy and teenage dreams.

 

“I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm really, sorry.” He croaked out.

 

With that, he put his shoes back on and left the apartment once again.

 

He took the bus to the downtown again and walked the rest of the way to the Four Season at one o'clock in the morning.

 

When he arrived, he asked the front desk to ring the suite room that Brian was in, he wasn't answering his cellphone when Justin called him from the bus. The lady on the counter had told him Mr. Kinney had checked out about an hour ago. 

 

Justin felt like the sky had dropped onto his head, surely Brian was in his pain management mode already. It was his way to forget about anything that hurt him.

 

Justin walked all the way to the loft, it was two in the morning when he arrived at the building and punched in the code. He took the steps two at a time and knocked on the metal door when he reached Brian's floor.

 

There were no answer, and Justin was sure Brian was at Babylon. He could be back soon, though, and Justin didn't care if he had someone with him.

 

He sat with his back to the door, and for some reason he had drifted off right there.

 

He was being awakened with a screeching voice from the stairs, Justin had leaped up from the floor, “What the fuck are you doing here, you cheating piece of shit?”

 

It was Michael, great. Justin had dodged him every time he was with Brian in his loft for over two months. But now, he guessed, he couldn't escape him anymore.

 

“I'm waiting for Brian.” He said.

 

Michael put his hands on his hips, “You don't have any business with him anymore, so fuck off.”

 

“I don't care what you say. I'm here for, Brian, not you.”

 

“Well, you're gonna starve and die of hunger waiting for him. I'd say, good riddance.”

 

That perked his ears up, “What do you mean? Where's Brian?” He nervously asked.

 

Michael looked thoughtful for a while and Justin just noticed how disheveled he looked like. Michael's eyes were red rimmed, too.

 

“Michael, where's Brian?” He held onto Michael's arm that roughly shrugged him off.

 

“None of your business. Now, could you get out, so I can do what I'm supposed to be doing?” He snarkily said.

 

“Michael…” He tried again.

 

“If you will not back off, I'm calling the police.” Michael threatened.

 

“Please…” Justin was already dying inside. He knew something had happened to Brian.

 

“Out, now!” Justin stood aside, but didn't move away like Michael ordered. “I'm calling the police.” 

 

Michael was simmering and dialed his phone. Then he said, “Yeah, 911. I'm calling to report someone… He's in my best friend's loft and trying to get inside… no he is outside… but my friend is not here and I told him to go… I'm here for some papers he needed… I have my own keys… I told him that my friend is not going to come home but he refused to listen… Okay, they are two minutes away? Perfect.” Then he ended the call.

 

“Michael…” Justin started to plead.

 

“Explain to the cop, you little shit.” He said condescendingly.

 

Michael opened Brian's door to buzz the cops, but closed it again and stayed outside the door.

 

“What's the problem here?” One of the two cops asked them even before coming up from the last flight of stairs.

 

“Officer, I'm Justin Taylor, I just came to talk to my ex-boyfriend. He is the owner of the loft.” Justin tried to calmly explain. But his inside was shattering, not knowing what had happened to Brian.

 

“And you are?” He asked Michael.

 

“Michael Novotny, I'm Brian Kinney’s best friend. I found him lurking outside Brian's loft. I told him to go, but he won't listen, Brian doesn't want him here, he stalked my friend for so long.”

 

“Mr. Taylor, why are you lurking outside Mr. Kinney's home? I guess you know he wasn't home, right?”

 

Justin nodded, “Yeah, but I was hoping he'd be coming home from where he was. I just need to talk to him, it's personal, officers.”

 

“Mr. Novotny, why are you here?” The other cop asked.

 

“I'm getting some important documents for Brian. I told him Brian is not coming home, but he is so stupid to understand what I said.” Michael crossed his arms on his chest.

 

“So, you thought it would be a good idea to call the police?” Asked the older one who looked so annoyed.

 

“He wouldn't listen!” Michael defended.

 

“Did you see him forcing an entry to the loft? Vaughn, check the lock of the door.” The man asked his partner, who checked the door thoroughly.

 

“Everything's good. No evidence of forced entry.” Vaughn confirmed.

 

“But he could have a key, he once had them.” Michael said, giving Justin the side eyes.

 

“What were you doing when Mr. Novotny found you, Mr. Taylor?”

 

“I drifted off sitting there…” Justin pointed to the ground on the door. “I was waiting for Brian to come home.”

 

“Do you have a key to the place?” Vaughn asked.

 

“Before, but I gave it back to Brian when I moved out from here.”

 

“I suggest to keep misunderstanding like this to solve it on your own. We don't need to waste our time on small things that can be dealt in civilized manner. You understood, Mr. Novotny, Mr. Taylor?” When they both nodded, the officer continued. “Now, you go do what you need to do, Mr. Novotny, and we will calmly escort you out of the building, Mr. Taylor. You perhaps, can talk to your ex-boyfriend later today. Would that be good to all parties?”

 

Both Michael and Justin nodded their agreement, and Justin went out of the building with the cops.

 

Justin walked the streets of Liberty avenue, it had been so long since he stepped on it. But the glitz and glamour of it was being ignored, his mind was still on Brian and what could have been happening to him.

 

Michael surely wasn't there for a visit and he certainly knew Brian wasn't there. He mentioned about getting some important papers that Brian needed.

 

So, where was Brian? He tried calling again but he wasn't answering.

 

With heavy heart, he turned and walked to find a motel to sleep for that night. He just pray to God that Brian was in safety. Whatever had happened and whatever would happen to them, he just wished Brian was thinking of him, that somehow and some ways, Justin would be in his heart as Brian would be in his until his last breath.


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