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Judson knocked on the door, certain already that it would be locked. “Brian?”
Footsteps, then the door opened and Brian pulled him inside, locking the door again immediately.
Brian's relaxed movements as he returned to the window and the sweetish smell that hung in the air both said joint, and Judson suppressed a sigh.
“I know I asked before, but why are you putting yourself through this?”
Brian shrugged. “Don't start, Judson. I told you, it’s the last time.”
“I’m not talking about the Lost Boys and their mother, Brian. I’m talking boy toy.”
Brian whirled, his eyes flashing even in the dark. “You said you were okay with him coming here.”
“I did, and I am. I’m not okay with him hurting you!”
“So the first chance you get, you try to drown him in the fucking pool?”
“We were just horsing around. Nobody got hurt.”
“Right. Only he feels rotten because he swallowed about a gallon of chloride water.”
Judson caught his breath. “Christ, Brian. You’ve got it bad.”
Brian turned back to the window, shaking his head.
Judson thought for a moment. Say what you think? Or keep your mouth shut? Which would hurt Brian more?
“How is he supposed to ever grow up, when you play Über-father to his boyish behavior?”
“Fuck off, Judson.”
“Sorry, no can do. The minute his father kicked him out, you were there for him. You didn’t even wait to see whether he could figure it out for himself.”
“It was my fault he got kicked out. I didn’t want him to sell himself just so he could eat.”
“So you ended up buying him.”
“Yeah,” Brian said icily. “The most expensive toy I ever bought. Cost me my sanity.”
“Cut out the drama queen act,” Judson sighed. “I’m just saying that like any good father, you let him go on his adventures, and like any good father, you're there to catch him when he falls. He was never your back-up plan. You were his. Still are.”
“I told you before. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“You expect me to stand by and watch. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?”
“I told you the truth, Judson. You knew from day one what you were getting into.”
“Yes. I don’t mind sharing, you know that. I don’t mind knowing that there is somebody I can never hope to displace, or even be a substitute for. What I do mind is having to watch the effect he has on you. I’m not sure I can stand it.”
“Judson. I care more than I can express. But I’m not going to lie, or pretend. Without Justin, I’m not complete. I’d rather put up with the pain than be without him. If you can’t cope with that, I’ll have to get by without you.”
Judson nodded, taking a deep breath. He had known this, in the corner of his soul he didn’t dare visit very often. Hearing it hurt more than he had expected.
“I wasn’t trying to blackmail you, or issuing an ultimatum.”
Brian shrugged. “I know.”
“It’s funny. They all want to be you. I’d rather be Justin. To be loved like this…”
“If I had known I’d end up hurting you, I’d have stayed away from you.”
Judson laughed bitterly. “Fool. You don’t even realize I’m in the same situation as you are. I’d rather put up with the pain than be without you.”
He turned on his heel and left the room, almost tempted to slam the door. But he knew he was angry with himself, rather than with Brian. And Brian didn’t need any more shit right now.
“Judson? That you?”
“Yes, Shane.”
“How did it go?”
He heard Judson sigh. Heavily.
“It went really well, Shane.”
“Meaning?”
“If I’m not prepared to put up with it, he’ll jilt me.”
“I warned you,” Jim said calmly. “Don’t compete with Justin.”
“Why are you guys sitting in the dark?”
Jim laughed, it sounded angry. “Because we’d rather not look each other in the eye right now.”
“Why’s that?”
“We said we’d protect him from these idiots, and we’re not doing a good job of it. We wanted to protect him from Justin, and we really fucked up on that one. So, we’re not exactly proud of ourselves.”
Shane sighed. “Be realistic. There wasn't much chance of jumping into the Rage-conversation. Protecting Brian from Justin would mean protecting him from himself, and I for one have never been able to do that.”
“Has Michael?”
“Christ, no. Michael finds the wound and pours a couple of pounds of salt into it.”
“Like mother, like son,” Judson said wearily, managing to find his way to a chair in the dark and settling into it.
“Are you going to put up with it, Judson?”
“As long as I can. What is it about the twinkie?”
“He treats Brian the way his parents did,” Shane said, fighting the feeling of futility. “Love comes with a price tag, and Brian has to find a way to figure out what the tag says, and how to pay. Only, it's never quite right, never quite good enough. So Brian keeps going, hoping that one day, he’ll finally get it right.”
“What do you expect,” Jim said. “That’s also what Justin learned. If you’re a good boy, if you're straight, we’ll love you. Turn queer, we’ll turn you away.”
“His mother didn’t,” Judson murmured.
Jim said, “Jen is one in a million. Justin’s father did, and so did the kids at school.”
“I can see that’s a match made in heaven. They’re good for each other.”
“Love isn’t necessarily about being good for each other,” Jim said wearily. “We all know that. I just wish the twinkie hadn’t come back right now, not with Brian back in chemo next week.”
“Which hospital is he going to this time?”
Jim snorted a laugh. “You don’t think he’d tell me, do you? After you pair turned up at the last one?”
“Why is he so stubborn, for god’s sake? Why does he have to do everything by himself?”
“He’s done everything by himself for twenty years. The system works for him. Don’t expect him to change it, Judson.”
Shane heard Judson’s soft sigh. “I thought you were there.”
“I’m there. Whenever he wants me. Which, to be honest, is not as often as I’d like.” Shane got to his feet. “We’d better get back to the party.”
“Party? You mean the hunting party, right?”
Jim and Judson also got up, and together the three men made it to the patio.
Justin woke up when he heard Jim creep into their room, getting ready for bed quietly. He waited until he was certain the other man had settled in his side of the bed, then asked, “Jim? You're a medical doctor, right?”
He heard Jim sit up. “Yes, I am. What’s wrong, are you ill?”
“I’m fine. It's Brian. I know about doctor-patient privilege and all that. But I know he'll tell me to butt out, I can’t ask him. Please, tell me – does Brian have AIDS?”
“Are you worried? When did you have your last check?”
“I had myself checked before I left New York, I’m okay. And if I had it, it wouldn't be from Brian. We never did it without a condom. He refused, even when I wanted to.” Justin drew a deep breath. “Jim. Please, please believe me when I say I’m not in the least worried about myself here. I fear for Brian.”
Jim sighed audibly. “Justin, you're putting me on the spot, you know that. What makes you think Brian is ill?”
“I overheard Shane and Judson earlier today. They were talking about Brian losing so much weight, and not keeping his food down. And he’s downright skinny. I mean, he's always been thin, but it feels like he’s got a 27 inch waist now.”
“Let me think a minute, Justin,” Jim said. “I’m not sure how to handle this.”
The rustling told Justin that Jim had settled down again.
Justin remained silent, praying fervently that Jim would tell him what was wrong.
After a while, Jim sighed. “Justin. I’m not comfortable with this. At all. I really should keep my mouth shut, you have no right to the information. On the other hand, I know you must be out of your mind with worry. I’ll answer the question, but that's as far as it goes. I’m not telling you anything else, so please don’t beleaguer me. Okay?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Brian is ill, but it’s not AIDS.”
Justin drew a shuddering breath. “Thank god. Thank god for that. Can I do anything?”
“Now that you know, you can help us. Keep him off the booze as much as possible, away from drugs, and make sure he eats. Even if it’s only bite here or there, it's better than nothing.”
“You got it.”
Jim cleared his throat. “Justin. I realize that Judson and Shane are on your case, so it's probably going to feel like I am, too. If you don’t want to answer, tell me to fuck off, okay?”
Justin snorted a laugh. “Okay. I can do that. What?”
“Brian. What are your plans?”
“To be honest, when I left New York, my plan was to corner Brian at Babylon and tell him I want him back.”
Jim laughed softly. “A simple plan.”
“Very simple,” Justin sighed. “And in retrospect, simplistic.”
“I hate to say it, but I agree. Why do you want Brian back, anyway? Other mothers have pretty sons, too.”
“I’m such an idiot, Jim. When Lindsay kept at me about how Caswell’s stupid article had the art-world of New York waiting for me with baited breath, I told her that my life was Brian, not some uncertain future in York. I don’t know what made me change my mind. I do know that the year away from Brian was a wasted year. I can’t even work properly when he’s not around. Brian is my inspiration.”
“So, you came back for your muse?” Jim sounded amused.
“No. I came back for my life.”
“Justin. It looks as though Brian has moved on.”
Justin sighed again. “I’m aware. I thought I knew Brian, but I’m beginning to realize I don’t know shit.”
“He’s twelve years ahead of you.”
“Yes. And it's only now that I grasp how much I don’t know. Somehow, it never occurred to me to ask about those years.”
“You should have. Brian lives life to the full; ten of his years equal a hundred for an ordinary man.”
Justin closed his eyes for a moment, trying to suppress the tears. “I can never catch up.”
Jim sighed. “This ain’t no race, kiddo. You needn’t catch up. But you need to stay level.”
“To stay level, I first need to catch up.”
“Mh-mm. Maybe you’re right. Is there any way you can get to talk to Brian? Without your history getting in the way?”
“What’s the point? He seems perfectly happy with Judson, why would I want to take that away from him? Especially if all I’ve got to offer is me.”
“That's one big offer, Justin.”
“It’s not. How can Brian not wonder whether I’ll leave him again?”
“You’d have to convince him,” Jim said calmly.
“Right. How do I do that? And there’s still Judson.”
“Forget about Judson for now. What would it take for you to get Brian back?”
“A fucking miracle,” Justin said hotly. “And I can’t just forget about Judson. They’re together, for god’s sake. For them to have a relationship in the first place, Brian has to be crazy about him.”
“I’ve been playing devil’s advocate here, I hope you appreciate that. Look, Justin. Brian does love Judson. Judson is a grown man. He has his own life, and he wants Brian, but he doesn’t need him. If you want to compete with Judson, you’ve got to sort yourself out. Get a life. Make sure you have more to offer than youth, because that grows old quickly, if you’ll forgive the pun. You need to be more than a pretty face and a hot body.”
“You sound like Brian,” Justin said tiredly.
“Really,” Jim said, sounding surprised. “So he knows you need to grow up before you can make any decisions? Wow.”
“Why does that surprise you?”
“Because I wasn’t sure Brian knew where things went wrong for you guys. Considering he doesn't do relationships, he seems to know a lot about them.”
“I guess watching your friends flounder will do that for you,” Justin muttered. “Do you really think that’s the reason for our problems? That I’m not grown up enough for Brian?”
“I’m not criticizing, okay? I’ll tell you what I see. You have to decide for yourself whether I’ve got it right. You meet Brian when you’re seventeen. You’re still at school, Brian has a career. You live with mom and dad, Brian lives in a killer loft. Do you fall for Brian or for the glamor?”
“Both, I guess,” Justin said honestly. “If Brian had lived in Michael’s place, I probably wouldn’t have thought he was quite that hot.”
Jim laughed. “How can a guy be hot when he collects comics?”
“Michael can be really nice,” Justin said. “And even a geek can be hot. But Michael isn’t a geek; he’s just… unfinished, sort of.”
“Yeah. You’re onto something there. When he’s nice, he's nice. But when he’s being an asshole, he’s the worst asshole there is.”
“True,” Justin conceded.
“Okay. Then you get bashed, and somehow, you end up living with Brian. Is he your lover or your defender?”
Justin sighed. “Both. Seen the first issue of Rage?”
Jim laughed. “Yeah, I have. Of course I have. And you know what, I instantly recognized Brian. Not from the writing, but from the way you drew him. All that self-confidence, the attitude, the instinctive arrogance, it was all there.”
“That’s not all Brian is.”
“No. But usually, it’s all he’ll allow people to see. Look at Debbie, he’s still got her fooled.”
“She wants to be fooled. If she thought Brian was wonderful, she’d have to see that Michael isn’t. She couldn’t stand it.”
“I wish Brian could see that as clearly as you do. She’s a surrogate mother, and he can’t get her approval, either.”
“She’s very much like his own mother. They both want him to do what they think is right. They don’t even want to think about what’s right for Brian.”
“What about your mother?”
“My mother. She’s terrific, really. It took her a while to adjust to the idea of me being queer, and a bit longer to take to Brian. Right now, I think she loves Brian more than she loves me.”
“Ouch,” Jim laughed. “Doesn't that bother you?”
Justin thought for a moment. “Actually, it doesn’t. I want people to love Brian. And I haven’t exactly been a good son.”
“Just because you didn’t go to the wedding?”
“How do you know I didn't go?”
“Brian. You have no idea how much you pissed him off.”
“I had no idea he cared about my mother.”
“Huh. I know something you don’t,” Jim said, a smile in his voice.
“You going to tell me?”
“No,” Jim seemed to grin, “Ask your mom.”
“Okay, I might. Can we get back to the original topic?”
“Sure. You sure?”
“I’m sure. Go ahead.”
“Okay. Vermont.”
“Not one of my finest moments,” Justin murmured. “What about Vermont?”
“Did you even know how much that bothered Brian? Not that you went on your own, he was okay with that. But that you didn't support him. His job was on the line when Gardner took over Ryders. And with his job, the loft, his lifestyle and you.”
“Me? Why me?”
Jim snorted. “Because you got accustomed to Brian’s lifestyle. Classy car, expensive furniture, take-outs almost every day, out clubbing every night, costly clothes. I think he was worried you might not hang around for a pauper.”
“I clearly gave him ample reason to doubt my motives,” Justin said bitterly.
“You did. You wanted romance, but did you give him any? Did you ever bring Brian flowers?”
“He would have laughed at me.”
“Yes. But he would have loved it, and he would have made sure you knew it.”
Jambalaya.
Justin remembered the first time he had cooked a meal for Brian. Sure, he had scoffed at it. But he had eaten it with that crooked little smile, and complimented him on it. And afterwards, Brian had taken him to bed and made love to him. That hadn’t been just sex. It had been love-making, with a complete and utter focus on his reactions, and absolute attention to his needs. Justin still got a thrill out of the memory of that night.
“Worst of all, you weren’t there to celebrate when he made partner. Most ad-men can’t hope to make partner, and they certainly don't do it at that age.”
“I didn't appreciate the achievement then. It meant nothing to me.”
“But it meant the world to him. He wanted to make you proud, and you didn't give a shit.”
Justin sighed. “Why the hell does he even still care?”
“Beats me.”
“Thanks.”
“Justin. I have no hope in hell of ever understanding Brian. The Kinney operating manual is written in a language I don't speak. But I’m fairly good at seeing where people go wrong.”
“Are you a shrink?”
“No. I grew up in a dysfunctional household. My mother was married four times, and each time I knew hubby was going to leave before she even figured something wasn't right.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Sorry is bullshit, to quote a certain somebody. Why did you run away with Ethan? Why pick that particular moment, when Brian wanted to celebrate your success?”
“He was fucking some guy in the back-room.”
“You had been fucking Ethan, more than once. You had an agreement. That can’t have been it.”
“You know about the stupid agreement?”
“Yes,” Jim laughed. “We couldn’t believe Brian actually went for that. Brian thought it was hilarious that you were applying the thumb-screws. He called you a cocky cat.”
“I think I left because I was so disappointed. He refused to celebrate my birthday, wanted to do his own thing all the time…”
“He had a tough time of it at work.”
“I never knew.”
“Of course not. You’ve never worked.”
“I did work. I worked at the Diner.”
“It doesn't compare, Justin. Look, you wanted me to be honest. I don't get the thing about your birthday, because I know you didn’t celebrate your eighteenth. So why was the nineteenth so important all of a sudden? Is it possible a certain lesbian couple put lesbionic ideas in your head?”
Justin thought for a while. “You could be right. They were going on about it. They were the ones who took me to the stupid violin concert.”
“They wanted to give you the romance they didn't have anymore. What with Gus, and financial struggles, I guess candle-light dinners and classical music on the stereo were few and far between. And Melanie probably thought that if you took all of Brian's time, he’d not turn up at their house so often.”
“I always thought they were my friends. And Brian’s friends.”
“Beware. All of Brian's friends have their own hidden agenda when dealing with him.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. I want him to think positively. I want him to have things to look forward to. I want him to have a reason to…” Jim stopped and took a deep breath. “Fuck.”
“To fight. Battle his illness.”
A whisper in the dark, so faint that Justin almost didn't hear it.
“Yes. Please god, yes.”
Justin swallowed. “That bad?”
“Justin. I can’t talk about it.”
“Okay. I understand.”
Jim cleared his throat. “So. Ethan. What did he have that Brian didn’t?”
“Nothing, really. Lots of empty promises. And I was a fool and fell for them.”
“Because Brian never made you any promises.”
“He made few promises. But those that he made, he kept.”
“Why did you leave him like that? Without a word? Do you have any idea what that must feel like? Of course you don't. Nobody ever left you.”
“I wasn’t thinking about him. I was thinking only about me.”
“Well, at least you’re honest about that. What made you decide you wanted Brian back?”
“Even when I was with Ethan, Brian was always on my mind. I was comparing our fucking to having sex with Brian. I listened to Ethan’s opinions and wondered what Brian would think. Every time I got restless, Ethan would come up with something that kept me hanging on. When I found out Ethan cheated on me - that was the final straw. In my head, I had already left, but I didn’t have sufficient reason to actually go.”
“You got him back. You said you knew what he wanted from you, and what you could expect from him. Did you?”
“No. Looking back, I know that's what I believed. But really, I said what I thought Brian wanted to hear.”
“Do you know how blissfully happy he was to have you back? He knew you guys were the talk of Liberty Avenue for days, and he didn’t even give a fuck about what Michael and his goons would think.”
Justin sighed. “I know they weren’t exactly happy for him.”
“They’re never happy for Brian. Michael would prefer it if Brian played lone wolf for the rest of his life. Because then Michael could continue to dream about landing him for himself.”
“Any idea why Brian doesn't just fuck him and get it over with?”
“You don't fuck your kid brother, Justin,” Jim scoffed.
“Ugh,” Justin muttered. “Thanks for that one.”
Jim laughed. “Anytime.”
“Are we done?” Justin suppressed a yawn.
“No,” Jim said. “Half time. Why, you tired?”
“I’m tired alright. But I’d rather get this over with.”
Jim snorted. “Right. So. Hollywood. Why did you keep Brian hanging on?”
“I was homesick. I enjoyed L.A., it was great. Super weather, sexy guys, and work I loved doing. But I still missed Brian.”
“Okay. So you come back, you move in with him – then what? The Stepford wives fill your head with nonsense?”
“You make it sound like my head was empty half the time, and people came by and filled it with whatever they wanted.”
“That’s exactly what it looks like from where I’m standing.”
“I just didn’t see why gay guys can’t have everything heteros have.”
“They can. But why would they want it? They’re not heteros.”
“That’s why Brian keeps calling them Ersatz-heteros, right?”
“Brian knew he was gay at a very early age. He’s a very straightforward guy, if you forgive the pun. To Brian, being gay means to do things your way, not the way all the heteros do it. Admit you like cock, and get cock.”
“He once told me straight people tell themselves they’re in love just so they can get laid.”
“That’s often true. Being gay means you don't have to lie about what you want. Sex means a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit.”
“So why bother with me?”
“Ah, now you're cutting to the chase. You were more than a quick fuck. You intrigued him. You were the first person who questioned his rules, and, more importantly, you made him question them.”
“He told me he wouldn't give me what I wanted. Not that he couldn't.”
“Of course he wouldn't. He didn’t want to be an Ersatz-hetero, perish the thought.”
“But after the bomb, all of a sudden, he wanted to marry me.”
Jim sighed. “You wanted to marry him. He would have gone along with it because he figured it was the only way to keep you.”
“But he changed. Everything changed.”
“According to your wishes, your majesty. He told me that he’d give you whatever you wanted; he’d do whatever you wanted to make you happy. You had the man at your beck and call, and you threw it all away.”
“Yeah,” Justin said bitterly. “I guess my head was empty once again, so Lindsay filled it with Caswell and a career in arts in New York.”
“She told you what she wanted herself. You didn't take charge of your life, so other people got tempted to do it for you. Lindsay figured she could have her little hetero-lesbian life in Toronto, and live the bohemian life through you. She has neither enough guts nor enough talent to do it for herself.”
“That’s pretty harsh.”
“It's the truth, the way I see it.”
“Why the hell didn't Brian ever stop me?”
Jim laughed. “What? You wanted him to stop you?”
“He could have told me that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I went with Ethan. He could have told me that getting Rage made into a film was a load of bullshit. He should have told me that I didn’t really want to end up like Michael and Ben. He should have made me stay, instead of encouraging me to go to New York.”
“Ah, now we’re back to Brian the father-figure. Look, Justin. He’ll catch you when you fall, always. That's what Brian is like. But he won't stop you from leaving. Don't you realize that the whole time, he was encouraging you to build a life for yourself? To find something that you can love as much as Brian loves advertising?”
“We wanted to get married,” Justin said stubbornly. “He had a right to stop me.”
“He had already begged you to marry him. There was no way he was going to beg you to stay.”
“Yes, but still…”
“Justin. When will you learn? Brian wants you to be happy. Whatever it takes, he wants you to have it. If you think you have to leave to be happy, he’ll let you go. That’s all there is to it. Brian is one of the very few men I know who isn’t selfish in the least.”
“Fuck,” Justin muttered and crawled out of bed to rifle through his bag.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for my meds,” Justin replied. “I’ve got the grandfather of a headache.”
“Don't be silly, put on the light.”
“No, thanks,” Justin closed his fingers around the well-known plastic bottle. “I’ve got it.”
“Make sure they’re the right ones,” Jim said with concern in his voice.
Justin shrugged, then realized that Jim probably couldn't see that. “It’s alright, my allergy meds are in the bathroom. I only keep the migraine tablets with me in the room.”
“Got water? You should never take pills dry.”
“I know, I know.” Justin found the water bottle he had brought up with him and uncapped it. He swallowed two pills, and then asked, “What do you think I should do?”
“I expect Brian already has an idea about where you can stay. He seemed rather annoyed that you opted to stay with Debbie, you know.”
“Well, I didn't think that staying with the newly-weds was a good idea.”
Jim laughed. “Anyway. Life doesn't offer endless chances. Don’t waste this one. Take Brian up on his offer. Knowing him, he’ll make sure you don't have to worry about finances. Take some time and really think about what you want to do for the rest of your life. Whether it's painting, or being a chef, or a hairdresser. Make sure it’s right for you. Don't worry about what other people might think, or what they might want for you.”
“You make it sound easy,” Justin commented.
“It is easy. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor. Brian always knew he wanted to make people want things they don’t need. My sister always knew she wanted to paint.”
“Your sister is an artist?”
“Yes. She was in a car crash a few years ago, and it took her a while to get back into it. But now she’s more determined than ever.”
“Is she in a wheelchair? Is her name Adrienne?”
“Adrienne Bennett. Yes. You know her?”
“I do. I actually own one of her paintings, she gave it to me.”
“She has an exhibition at the Bloom Gallery next month. I’m sure she’d like to see you again.”
“I’ll go,” Justin said. “I’d like to see her again, too.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. After all this?”
“How come you didn’t simply say, I don't have to think, I know I want to paint.”
“It's not that simple. I love painting, but I love drawing more. When I look at my experiences in New York, I know I’m not the next Picasso, or Constable. I’ve always been interested in animation. I’d like to try my hand at that, but I don’t even know where to start.”
Jim yawned. “Ask Brian. He probably knows how to find out where to start. He’s giving you a chance to figure it out. Don’t blow it. And while you're at it, figure yourself out. Try to figure out a few things about Brian.”
“That’s a lot of figuring,” Justin yawned as well. “I think it’ll have to wait till morning. I’m bushed.”
“Me, too,” Jim said. “And Justin? I’ll give you my address and phone number. You can come to me anytime. I’ll help as much as I can.”
“Thanks, Jim. You have helped. I see a lot more clearly now. And I’ll probably take you up on your offer. Good night!”
“Good night, Justin. Sleep well.”
Justin woke early, and glanced at Jim, who was sleeping peacefully. Nice guy, Justin thought. As quietly as possible, he got out clean clothes and crept into the bathroom for a quick shave and shower.
Brian had said he wanted to go shopping, but he hadn’t given him a time. Justin decided to go down and see whether anybody was up already. He looked at his watch. Unlikely, it was only quarter past six. He grabbed his bag anyway.
Approaching the pool, Justin stopped and took in the sight. Brian was in the pool, exercising. Hadn't Shane said that Brian had been on the swim team? He had good style. In school, Justin had spent enough hours at the pool with Daphne to see that.
He pulled up a deck-chair and settled in it. Brian hadn’t noticed he was there; he was completely absorbed in his task. Justin wondered how many laps Brian was going for. Twenty? Thirty?
Somehow, Brian’s swift strokes and even rhythm were soothing, and Justin slipped into a trance of well-being, dreamily watching Brian and not thinking about a thing.
Surprising him, Brian finally came to the side and swung himself up out of the pool, shaking the water out of his hair.
He hadn’t bothered with swim trunks, and Justin rather cherished the view.
Brian raised an eyebrow at him. “When you’re through looking, would you hand me my towel? You’re sitting on it.”
Justin grinned unrepentantly. “You can’t blame me. It's an artist's appreciation of beauty.”
“Right,” Brian scoffed. “Towel?”
“Oh, yeah. Sure.” Justin pulled the towel out from under him and handed it over. “Want me to go put on the coffee?”
“That’d be great, thanks.”
Justin nodded and walked off into the kitchen. He went to work quickly, getting coffee and some muffins ready.
Brian strode into the kitchen a few minutes later, wearing jeans and a white shirt. Justin could smell Kirk’s Castile on him, the eucalyptus soap that Brian always used in the shower.
Justin smiled and put coffee and a muffin in front of him. “You look great.”
“Thanks,” Brian said. “I wish I could say likewise, but you need a haircut.”
“That bad?” Justin laughed.
“Worse,” Brian grinned. “Don’t they have hairdressers in New York?”
“I suppose they must do,” Justin shrugged. “I couldn't be bothered.”
Brian frowned. “I know you got good reviews from people other than Caswell. What went wrong?”
Justin met his gaze levelly. “I was homesick.”
“You could have come for a visit anytime,” Brian said.
Justin shrugged again. “I don’t like being a visitor.”
“You’re full of twists and turns, Justin.”
“I’m aware. I’ll try and straighten myself out.”
Brian nodded and lifted his cup. “I’ll drink to that.”
“Try the muffin, I think I got them the way you like them.”
Brian gave him an odd look, as though trying to read his mind. Much to Justin's delight, he shrugged and bit into his muffin. “Mh-mm, you did. Nice.”
“Good, have another one.” Justin put another blueberry muffin on Brian’s plate.
“Me, too,” JR demanded.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Justin grinned. “Come here, you can have some milk to go with it.”
“Oh, yes!” JR beamed at him.
“Good morning, Daddy,” Gus said. “I’m dressed.”
“I see that,” Brian grinned. “But are you washed?”
“Sure,” Gus said. “I had a shower last night, and now I washed and brushed my teeth. You said we were going shopping!”
“Right,” Brian said. “As soon as you’ve had a glass of milk and a muffin. We’ll have a proper breakfast in town.”
“Great,” Gus said. “I brought clothes for JR, but you have to wash her. And comb her hair, I can’t do that.”
“Okay,” Brian said, “Let her finish her food first.”
“One more,” JR demanded. “Hungry!”
Justin grinned and gave her another muffin. “How about you, Brian?”
“No thanks, two is my limit,” Brian said.
“Two what,” Judson said, strolling into the kitchen. “Blowjobs?”
“Muffins,” Brian grinned. “I don’t set limits on sex.”
“Any left for me,” Judson asked.
“Sure,” Justin said. “Coffee?”
“Yes, please.” Judson kissed Brian and swung himself up on a barstool, yawning. “What time is it, anyway?”
“Half past seven,” Brian replied. “Come on, JR, let’s get you cleaned up. Go brush your teeth again Gus; I’ll comb your hair after.”
As soon as they were gone, Judson asked, “Did Brian really eat two muffins?”
“Yes,” Justin said evenly, feeling smug and trying hard to hide it.
Judson studied him for a long moment. Justin held his gaze, again struck by the beauty of the man. He could imagine that face on the sculpture of some ancient god, Apollo maybe, or Osiris.
“Keep up the good work,” Judson said. “You going into town with him?”
Justin nodded. “He asked.”
“Keep an eye on him?”
“What am I looking for?”
Judson shrugged. “Damned if I know. Just don’t let him overdo. Make sure he gets plenty to drink.”
“Why aren’t you coming?”
“Because three’s a crowd,” Judson grinned. “He wants you to himself for a bit.”
“Doesn't that bother you?”
“Only if you hurt him. If you’re good for him, I’ll cheer you on.”
Justin sighed. “I’ll try not to repeat my mistakes.”
“That's all I ask.”
“Justin? We’re ready if you are,” Brian called from the living room.
“Later, Judson,” Justin grabbed his bag and went to join Brian and the kids.
Brian had put on a blue suede jacket, Gus was wearing washed-out jeans and a T-shirt, and JR was wearing a somewhat faded green dress that looked too short for the little girl.
Apparently Brian had understood his look, because he said, “You see why we need to go shopping.”
Justin nodded, and they went out to the cars.
“Let’s take the Jeep,” Brian said. “You want to drive?”
“I’d love to,” Justin said eagerly, and Brian grinned and tossed him the keys.
“Where are we going?”
“Food,” the kids said in unison.
Brian shrugged. “You heard them. There’s a new place on Penn, open around the clock.”
“Okay,” Justin nodded. “Do they have their own parking?”
“Actually, they do.”
They drove in silence for a while, then the kids started chatting softly in the back-seat. Justin glanced over at Brian. “Music?”
“Sure. What would you like?”
“Anything,” Justin shrugged. “I’m not particular.”
“You’re not?” Brian scoffed, rifling through the CDs in the glove compartment. “Since when?”
Justin smiled. “Okay, so I am. What have you got?”
“Let’s see. Miles Davis. That’s not for you. How about this?”
Brian slipped a disc into the player, and Gloria Gaynor’s voice filled the car with ‘never can say good-bye’.
Justin grinned. “Not bad.”
Brian sat back in his seat.
“Brian. Did you really do the animation on that cat yourself?”
“Sure,” Brian shrugged. “No big deal.”
“Would you mind showing me how it’s done?”
Brian looked over at him. “Since when are you interested in computer graphics?”
“I’ve always been interested in animation,” Justin said, “But unfortunately I don't know much about it.”
“You’ve done digital manipulation, right?”
“Some. Just before everything went haywire.”
Brian nodded. “We’ll see how much you remember.”
“How come you know so much about computer graphics?”
“I took classes in college,” Brian explained. “I wanted to be able to do everything that can be used in advertising, from photography to photo manipulation, from drawing to graphics to animation. I used to go back, but these days, people are wasting their time. And mine. You sit there for two hours, and you get about twenty minutes of information, the rest is jabbering. The last couple of times, I hired a private tutor.”
“A maximum of tuition, a minimum of bullshit?”
“Funny, Justin,” Brian scoffed, but he grinned at him. “Turn left.”
Justin complied. “What am I looking for?”
“Over there,” Brian pointed. “Rainbow Provisions.”
“There seem to be a lot of rainbows in the Burgh of late.”
Brian shrugged. “Gay kid on the block. Owns a few eateries.”
Justin parked the car, and Gus said, “Is this where I had the Knight’s Lunch last time?”
“Yes,” Brian said, “And today you can try the Knight’s Breakfast, if you like.”
“Great,” Gus beamed, “I’m hungry.”
“And me,” JR said. “So hungry! What do I eat?”
“They’ve got a breakfast for a princess, how about we order that for you?”
JR beamed at Brian as he lifted her out of the car. “Love you!” She spread her arms wide, “Soooo much!”
Brian hugged her, smiling. “Love you too, honey.”
“These guys are always hungry,” Justin commented, locking the car. He wanted to give Brian the keys, but Brian waved them away.
“You can play chauffeur for the day, if you like,” Brian said.
Justin grinned and pocketed the keys, then wondered why Brian would let him drive. When had Brian ever let somebody else handle his wheels? When he was too high or too drunk to drive, which he wasn’t today. Then what?
Judson had said to keep an eye on Brian, and Justin resolved to do just that.
