According to Karma, performance of positive action results with the reaction of a good conditioning in one’s experience, whereas a negative action results in a reaction of a bad response. This may be an immediate result following the act, or a delayed result occurring either in the present life or the next.

Chapter 9

Emmett was in trouble. He knew it as soon as Max came for the fourth time that night. He knew it as he lay prone on the bed, feeling Max plowing into him, hearing him moan and huff with each push, feeling the little bites Max was leaving on his shoulders, marking him. He knew it when Max turned him over, placed his legs on his shoulder and rammed into him again, his beautiful brown hair falling over his forehead, now covered with drops of sweat from the exertions of the last few hours. As soon as Max came, he tied off the condom and dropped it on the side of the bed adding it to the three that were already there. Emmett knew he was in trouble when Max reached for him, holding him in his arms, all wet and sticky and not jumping up and out of the bed and out of his life. Emmett lay there, in the arms of a very talented young lover and thought to himself, I am in deep shit!

He hadn’t felt this way in many years. What he was experiencing was a feeling that he had lain to rest years ago, after he and Drew Boyd had parted ways. No one had excited him as much as Drew. The mere sight of him would leave Emmett breathless, yet tonight, in the presence of this wonderful fresh face he had found the same feelings. He didn’t think it was possible to ever have that again, but he was in the grip of an attraction so powerful it was terrifying him.

The fear came from the knowledge that this would not last, it would end, just like every other relationship he had ever had. The only one that had remotely come close to the prospect of a long term union was with a wonderful man who ended up dying in his arms, leaving him heartbroken and bereft. His next relationship, with Ted, his best friend, should never have begun in the first place. It was a special bond that had changed out of their mutual need, and had ended badly. Ted was his dearest and oldest friend, someone he could go to anytime he needed a level head and sound advice. He was the father, brother, husband he had never had. But ultimately, he was just a friend, not the lover that they misguidedly hoped he would be.

Emmett heard Max snoring lightly. He could feel his body pressed up against him as they lay there spooning, a perfect fit. He didn’t dare move lest he wake him and have the dream shattered. There was time enough for that; time to see the veil of coldness slide over eyes that were hot with passion not too long ago. There was lots of time to hear the inevitable words, “I’ll call you”, knowing full well they were lies. Emmett wanted to stay in his bed with Max, being held by him, as long as he could.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin lay on his side, listening to Brian breathe softly. After Brian’s initial movements, when he had drawn Justin to his body, he had not stirred once since Justin had come back to the room after leaving the studio earlier. Brian would usually wake to a pin dropping and the fact that he had slept through Justin’s nocturnal wanderings was a sure indication that he was troubled and needed to escape.

Justin’s eyes welled up again as he thought of Brian softly whispering, “I love you”, saying the words over and over, laying his heart and soul bare.

He knew that he had to make a decision. He still was unclear as to what he wanted though. Everything Brian said last night made sense. They were arguments that Justin had stored in his brain, going through them one by one. The most important thing in Justin’s life was Brian. Everything else came in second. Nothing had ever derailed him when it came to his priorities with Brian and he was not about to change that. Whatever he decided needed to be something that would be good for both of them, because they were Brian and Justin, not just Justin, a solo act.

Justin’s relationship with Gus had grown through the years to a point where they were as close as any father and son could be. They shared many mutual interests; foremost among them was their love of art. Justin had been surprised long ago when Gus was a child and he had picked up a crayon for the first time. He had stayed within the lines, surprising in and of itself, and as time progressed, his capabilities in that area became more and more apparent. He couldn’t have been more like him, in that respect, if he had sired him himself.

There were no guarantees in life as far as children were concerned. On some level Justin knew that. It was always a crap shoot; you never knew what you were going to get. The same mother and father could produce three children and all three could be completely different. Brian and Lindsay had somehow produced this perfect child but there were no guarantees that the next child that came into their lives would be anything like that. That was not to say that he wouldn’t love whatever he was presented with, but was he not expecting another little Gus? In his heart of hearts, didn’t he think he was going to have another child just like him?

It was an unrealistic expectation and he had to accept that. There would never be another Gus, just as there would never be another Brian or another Justin. They were all unique in their own way and trying to replicate each other was pointless. Even if they lived in a perfect world where two men could create a child together, the likelihood of having another Gus was zero to none.

Which then lead him to the next question. Did he really want another child for all the right reasons or did he want another child because he just realized he could have one, if he so chose? Why do people have children? Do they need to leave a little piece of themselves in the world when they go, to justify their existence, to prove they had actually been there? Was it an ego thing? Did not having his own child diminish him in any way?

When two people are in love and create another life, do they do it because they want a piece of each other or it is just a natural progression of events, a way of populating the planet, making sure that the body you were given does exactly what it was designed to do?

He had his art. That would live on forever and be the legacy that he would leave in this world. He had found the love of his life, against all odds; he had everything he wanted in a man and a relationship. He was content, fulfilled on every level. Why was he even contemplating this?

Justin was exhausted, tired of this internal battle. He turned back towards Brian and moved over to his side of the bed. He gently slid his arm under his neck and brought him closer, enveloping him, adjusting their bodies so that they were spooned together. He inhaled Brian’s special scent as he rubbed his face on Brian’s bare shoulder. Justin knew then that what he really wanted was Brian’s child. He didn’t want a child with some nameless, faceless surrogate. The only child he would ever want in his life was Brian’s. And he already had that. Could he possibly have room for another?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daphne closed her eyes as the waves of the orgasm swept over her body. She felt her limbs relaxing, unclenching, as the pulsing slowly came to an end, calming her, bringing her peace. Alex still lay on her, his weight heavy against her chest but comfortable and reassuring. His face was pressed up against her neck and she could hear him trying to regulate his breathing. She felt his heartbeat, strong and steady, just like its owner. She ran her hand through his hair, loving the silky feel of it.

It had been many weeks since the miscarriage. Sexually they were back to the comfortable place they had been months ago, before this whole macabre dance began. The urgency of mating and trying to reproduce was now gone. They had sex because they wanted to, not because the thermometer said it was time or because the Clomid was making her ovaries look and feel like grapefruit. The pressure on Alex was off; they knew what the bottom line was.

Daphne felt good about that, she hated having sex because everyone was expecting it. The doctors had encouraged them to continue mating, as if they were trying to conceive, even though they both knew that he was sterile. It was supposed to help stimulate her hormones, as if the fucking pills weren’t enough.

She was glad that bullshit was over and done with. No more fooling mother nature, she thought to herself. I can’t do this anymore. If Justin won’t do it my way, then I give up. I will not go through that again. Being a lab rat was not exactly her idea of fun.

Yet, she really wanted a child. She felt that she and Alex could give so much; they had so much love and knowledge to impart, to share with someone they both loved. It was killing her that she couldn’t do what every other Tom, Dick and Harry could do by shooting a load in the dark of the night. The overachiever in her just wouldn’t let it rest!

But the whole experience with IVF had been a nightmare and she was afraid to start the whole thing again. Not without the right support system. The mental strain was far worse than the physical one, and she needed someone there, beside her, at all times, to help get her through it. Alex was too busy with his career, his patient’s needs were very important to him and she didn’t want to burden him with a daily blow-by-blow account of the pain in her ovaries.

She knew he would be hurt and insulted if she ever vocalized her thoughts. He considered himself a good husband, supportive and attentive to her every need. And he was, for the most part. But he wasn’t Justin. He had no patience with hearing every detail of her life; he could never stay on the phone with her for hours, talking about nothing, whereas Justin had never had a problem with that. He had always been there for her and she missed it terribly.

She knew that it would be different if she could get Justin to reconsider and take an active role in her quest to conceive. Okay, maybe she had gone a bit overboard by asking him to have sex with her, and her only excuse was hormonal malfunction. She realized that would never happen. In fact, she was glad he had rejected her initial proposition. That would have been too weird!

However, she didn’t understand why he was so reluctant to give up his sperm to help her conceive. He was a perfect candidate. He was blond and blue-eyed, like Alex, and he was brilliant. Their child would look exactly like a child she would have had with Alex. No one would know the difference, except him, of course. He would know and that was the part he couldn’t come to terms with.

How could she explain to her child any role Justin would play in its conception? Even if she and Alex agreed to be honest with the child and tell them from the beginning that Justin was the biological father, would Justin settle for that? Would that make Justin change his mind?

“Alex,” Daphne said softly, hoping he was still awake.

He rolled off her and lay on his back. “Hmm?”

“Are you awake?”

“My brain still functions, if that means anything,” Alex replied sleepily.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Beautiful, you know you can ask me anything you want. Only it’s late, and I have to be up and in surgery in approximately five hours, I need to rest.”

“I know,” Daphne said as she turned over to her side and looked into Alex’s blue, blue eyes. “But, this is important.”

He smiled at her gently. Everything with his Type A wife was important. She was the most impatient person he ever knew. He caressed her beautiful face, pushing her hair out of her eyes and noticing again how much she had improved in the last few weeks.

“Go ahead,” he said, encouraging her to talk.

“If I can convince Justin to become the sperm donor, would you be willing to share your parental rights with him?”

“What did you just say?” he asked, looking at her, puzzled.

“If I tell Justin that you and I are willing to share our parental rights with him, that we will acknowledge him as the biological father, he may actually consider doing this. Would you be willing to do that?”

“Jesus Christ, Daphne!” Alex sat up and stared at his wife. She was lying on the bed looking up at him innocently with her big brown eyes.

“I know it’s late,” Alex said, shaking his head, “And I’m slightly brain dead from some very satisfying sex, but I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

“Why?” Daphne asked.

“Daphe, you are asking me to let someone else make decisions for this child, to have a say in whatever we decide or whatever we do. I’m not sure I want that,” he continued.

“Alex, will you at least, think about it?” Daphne asked with that stubborn look on her face that he recognized too well.

“This would be no different if we had decided to adopt a child,” she rationalized. “We would have to tell the child it was adopted, they would most likely want to know who their biological mother or father was, and we would have to go through all of this anyhow. At least with Justin, I know what we’re getting. I know Justin better than I know my own self,” she said. “I know he is good and kind and loving; he is incredibly talented and highly intelligent, his life is full with Brian and their son, he would be willing to share, I just need to convince him that it’s the right thing to do,” Daphne finished.

“You are forgetting one very important thing here, Daphne,” Alex said.

“What’s that?”

“We are dealing with another human being, an unknown one at this point. We have no idea how that person will react, how this kind of information will affect their psyche or their personality.”

“Alex, you know that if we were to tell the child everything from the minute it could understand, it wouldn’t be a problem. Look how great Gus turned out. He was told that his parents were Gay; he knows how he was conceived. That hasn’t turned him into a serial killer or a weirdo, so why would you think that?” Daphne asked.

“I’m thinking it because I am a scientist, Daphne. I have to see all the sides of the puzzle, not just your side. I know what could happen; the worst case scenario is always possible. Just because it didn’t happen to Gus doesn’t mean it won’t happen to our child. I have to think this through, Daphe, I will not make a decision at this time of the night,” he said, clearly annoyed at this point, knowing his sleep wasn’t going to be easy to come by tonight, or tomorrow night for that matter.

“But you’ll consider it?” she asked again, like a dog with a bone, unwilling to give up the discussion.

“Yes,” he answered curtly, as he reached over to turn off the light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Max opened his eyes, disoriented. He couldn’t remember where he was. He felt arms around him and heard a soft, snoring, warm breath on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and opened them again, remembering last night.

The sex had been over the top! He had never been with anyone this good in bed before. It was surprising and wonderful, all at once. He never expected this. When he left Babylon with Emmett, he only had one thought; to get off, no matter how or who with. He just needed to get laid. He had no idea that he was leaving with such a talented and controlled lover. Emmett was a master in the bedroom, generous to a fault, with the most educated tongue Max had ever encountered in his life.

Just thinking about all the things they did brought an immediate reaction and he could feel himself getting hard again. Granted, it was early in the morning and he wouldn’t have been a healthy male if he didn’t wake up with some respectable wood, but his was not brought on by nature, his hardness was a direct response to the memories of last night and this amazingly generous person he was in bed with.

He slowly took Emmett’s arms away from his waist so that he could get up without disturbing him. He moved over to the side of the bed and got up. He looked around and now noticed things in the room that he had not seen before.

He smiled when he saw the riot of colors, pinks and purples and blues; definitely not a low key hue in sight. One entire wall was taken up by a painting that Max recognized as an original Taylor. He walked up to the painting and saw Justin’s mark on the lower right side. The painting was of an older gentleman in a red cardigan sweater. He had a kind face with a subtle smile, almost a Mona Lisa kind of quality to it.
It was a peaceful and comfortable portrait, a man sitting on a big easy chair, holding a jar of pickles with a slightly amused look on his face. Max stared at it for a while and wondered who he was.

He looked around trying to find a bathroom door and didn’t see one. It’s probably out in the hallway.

He made his way over to the door, opened it and saw another door a few feet away. He sighed with relief when he saw that it was indeed the bathroom. He stood over the john taking a much needed piss, all the while looking around at more bizarre colors everywhere. The bathroom walls were black and white tile, but the shower curtain and the bathroom mats were all done in a faux leopard print with faces of tigers and lions everywhere. It was quite disconcerting having all these eyes looking at him while he peed.

He laughed softly and shook his head. He stepped over to the sink and washed his face and grabbed some mouthwash to rinse out. He didn’t see any extra toothbrushes sitting out on the sink and he didn’t want to open the medicine cabinet because he felt it would be an invasion of Emmett’s privacy, so he did the best oral hygiene he could manage with the mouthwash and a soft wash cloth he found hanging on the towel rack.

The face that looked back at him in the mirror was handsome, even in the harsh morning light. He had a dark shadow of stubble that only enhanced his look, his hair was tousled, the curls uncontrolled and wild. He didn’t look half bad, considering they had been up most of the night. He knew that most men found him hot and he was thankful that nature had been kind and he had good genes. His parents however, had always stressed the importance of inner qualities such as work ethic, honesty and integrity, commitment to family and friends. They didn’t put much importance on physical beauty and as such, neither did Max. He supposed he could afford to feel that way because he was in fact, extremely attractive. It would have been a different story if he was a troll, but thankfully he wasn’t.

He made his way out of the bathroom, still stark naked, and wandered around the apartment, noticing more idiosyncrasies about his host. There were tchotchke’s all over the place, in different shapes and sizes. His mother would have a fit trying to dust everything and keep it all neat and clean. He saw a huge glass penis in a special spot on a shelf. He went up to it and saw that it had the name Fetch Dixon engraved on the wooden base. That was certainly interesting? He wondered what that was all about.

Moving towards the kitchen he was most pleasantly surprised at what he found. Stainless steel counter tops and appliances, state of the art cookware, a Wolf stove, a sub-zero refrigerator; everything that made his little chef’s heart do a flip-flop with happiness. He decided to get busy and make some breakfast for both of them. They would need to replenish their bodily fluids, as well as get some protein to re-energize as he planned on staying in today and fucking Emmett’s brains out!

Emmett heard the noise in the kitchen and wondered what the fuck was going on. He had felt Max leave the bed earlier and had resigned himself to the fact that another one would be making a quick get away. He dozed, shrugging off the disappointment, knowing that it was inevitable.

The noise that woke him was a surprise though. He thought Max would have been long gone. More surprising was the fact that his bedroom door opened and the most beautiful man walked in, holding two plates. He was butt naked, looking splendid in the morning sun, with pecs and abs that were to die for and a penis that was a sight to behold.

Michelangelo, Emmett thought to himself, your David ain’t shit beside this one. My, my, my!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian lay in bed smoking a cigarette. It was probably five-thirty in the morning, a few minutes before he normally would be up and in the shower. He looked over at a sleeping Justin. He was on his stomach and his head was turned away from Brian. His hair was fanned out on the pillow and Brian reached over to touch it and twirl a few strands around his finger. The duvet had slipped down to Justin’s waist; his back was bare and Brian could see the light dusting of freckles on his shoulders.

He wanted to do more than touch Justin’s hair but he held back, wanting to go over last night’s conversation one more time in his head. He needed to digest everything he heard, before he woke him.

He couldn’t believe they were facing this crisis. Two months ago their lives were perfect. Now, major decisions had to be made and he couldn’t understand how or why Justin was being so obstinate. Didn’t he realize how much would change if he went ahead with this whole baby adventure?

Brian had absolutely no desire to have another child in his life. The one that he already had was more than enough. He loved Gus with all his heart and he knew how lucky he was that Gus had turned out so well. He also realized he and Justin had very little to do with it. Most of the hard work in child rearing had been Lindsay and Melanie’s doing. They were seventy-five percent responsible for how great he had turned out. The other twenty-five percent was good luck, as far as he was concerned. Brian wasn’t fool enough to think that he and Justin had contributed that much to the end result.

What they were seeing now with Gus was the product of years of hard work. The one week they had shared with him last year had given them a small glimpse of what it would have been like to share in his daily life. It was hard work, mentally and physically. One had to be available twenty-four, seven, willing and able to give love and time unconditionally. It was the least a child deserved and if one was not willing to go all the way, then it shouldn’t happen.

He knew that he wasn’t willing to go through all that. On the other hand, he didn’t want to lose Justin over this. He had no right to deprive him of his own biological child, if that is really what he wanted. But was it?

Justin never talked about children, other than Gus. He had never, in all the years they were together, ever mentioned the desire to have his own kid. He wasn’t even close to Jenny Rebecca, even though Brian was sure that he cared for her and felt some sort of love. Gus was Justin’s primary concern. He always had been. This is what made this all so disturbing. This had come out of left field, out of nowhere, smacking him in the face.

Maybe Justin was just having a mid-life crisis, Brian thought to himself. Maybe he was feeling his biological clock ticking away and thinking he had to do something about it. Or maybe he was just being infected by Daphne’s desire to have a child and all this baby talk. He wasn’t really thinking about the big picture and everything that would change if he did pursue this.

This is all fucking bullshit, and needs to stop, Brian thought angrily. He was tired of all the worrying and uncertainty. The drama and the guessing games were becoming tedious and taking up too much of his time; making him lose his focus at work and his equilibrium and peace at home. He needed to put an end to this because it was giving him a major headache and a limp dick.

Two very bad combinations!

TBC