“It’s disgusting! It’s immoral!”

The smack didn’t hurt. Not really.

“You’re going to burn in hell! I won’t allow your perverted ways to taint the spirit in this house!”

The punch hurt a bit more. But his father was stronger than his mother. He knew it would.

He still took it standing though. He was who he was. Nothing they said was going to change that.

“I’ll beat it out of you if I have to. By the time I’m done with you, you won’t ever want to look at a man much less touch one.”

After that, all he knew was pain.

Brian hovered at the base of the stairs, unable to work up the strength to walk up them to his loft. His shoulders were slumped, his suit jacket slung over his arm, and his tie loosened around his neck.  He looked at the steps with a haggard expression, his face drawn and exhausted.  He sighed heavily as he leaned against the wall.

He’d had a terrible day at work; not only did he fail at getting a prospective client, but he also managed to lose one – a first since he started at Ryder’s agency. He’d been reamed out by Ryder and barely finished out the day without deciding to just step out into traffic.  It would have been so easy and solved all of his problems too. But there were people relying on him and one of them was waiting for him at his loft; which, ironically enough, was why he didn’t want to go upstairs.

He didn’t know what would be waiting for him and he honestly couldn’t deal with one more thing going wrong today. He didn’t want Justin to be the one to take the brunt of his disappointment when he hadn’t done anything wrong.  But if he had to walk into the loft one more time while Justin was in the middle of a breakdown he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it.

Justin had been staying with him for the past two weeks, since his mother became unable to help him through his multiple mental conditions. Brian had been briefed on it all by one of the nurses while Justin was still in the hospital. 

Chronic agoraphobia. Post-traumatic stress disorder.  Acute paranoia.  Severe depression. Not to mention all of the problems with his hand. 

Brian thought that they had diagnosed Justin with so many disorders that he should be in a mental institution, not with him. And for some reason all of Justin’s doctors, even his own mother, seemed to think he was the only one able to help him.  Brian thought they were all out of their minds, but it was his fault Justin was like this in the first place, so it was his responsibility to try and fix it.

He carefully braved the first step and it became easier to take another and another. As he ascended the staircase he debated on whether or not he should try to urge Justin out of the loft again.  He had no inclination to leave for the night, but he also knew that Justin hadn’t been outside in weeks.  In the end, he supposed it depended on what exactly he walked in on.  It would be pointless asking if Justin was in mid-meltdown.

He finally made it to the top of the stairs and lingered outside the door, listening. Typically when Justin was having an episode he was able to hear it from the bottom floor.  However, there had been times when he’d been surprised with a flying plate that crashed right next to him as he walked in.  He didn’t want to relive that.  He listened carefully and then unlocked the door and slid inside. He still heard nothing so he let relief fill him and breathed calmly. ‘Thank god.’ He thought, amazed at how much better he felt just knowing he wouldn’t have to deal with one of Justin’s episodes.

He shut and locked the door, re-set the alarm, and then turned to survey the loft. He wasn’t surprised at all to find Justin standing at the window staring at the street down below. He looked happy, and content.  Brian didn’t want to upset him by suggesting to go outside, but the thought lingered in his head nonetheless.  When Justin was in a decent mood was the only time he could suggest it.

Justin tore himself away from the window quickly, however, and smiled at Brian. It was reserved, but he knew it was the most the boy could muster now.  He doubted he’d ever see that ‘Sunshine’ smile again…

Suddenly Justin’s arms were wrapped around him tightly and Brian put his arms around Justin’s waist to hold him close. Justin was always happy to see him when he came home and he had to admit that the enthusiastic welcomes he often received helped convince him why this wasn’t a bad idea.  He smiled as he felt soft kisses on his neck and bent to capture Justin’s lips with a deep kiss. A little more of his stress melted away and he couldn’t believe how easily Justin affected him. Justin’s soft lips were pressed hard against his and he gently slipped his tongue into the willing mouth. It was so familiar and welcoming.

Justin hadn’t been able to do anything other than kissing and heavy petting and yet Brian was alright with it. He knew with Justin’s plethora of disorders that intimacy was going to be one of the last things he worked on. So, he’d go slowly – he had other means of getting his needs met.

When Justin was breathless he pulled back and watched Justin’s lips roll into his mouth with pleasure. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were slightly glassy. Considering it a job well done, Brian let his hands fall away from him and then gently patted Justin’s side to get him moving. “Looks like you’ve had a good day.” He commented, masking his relief with interest.

“It was ok. There was an accident on the street earlier.” Justin reported as he stepped back towards the window. “No one got hurt. Just a fender bender. But they didn’t move for like two hours.” He spoke somewhat distantly and then looked down from the window again.

Brian watched him as he moved to the kitchen and pulled out the take-out menus. “What do you want for dinner tonight? Chinese? Thai? Mexican?” Brian asked, slapping each menu down on the counter as he rifled through them.

“I don’t care.” Justin shrugged, not taking his eyes from the window. Brian could see his breath fogging the glass and sighed.

“If you get any closer you’re going to bump your forehead.” He warned but Justin just waved him off and continued looking through the glass. Brian continued perusing the menus until he pulled out one for sushi and flipped it open when he heard a small bump on the glass. He withheld a chuckle. “Told you…” He whispered but Justin’s scoff let him know the boy heard him.

“What kind of rolls do you want?” He asked as he moved his fingers down the list as he picked some out.

“I can’t have any with the spicy sauce.” Was all Justin said and Brian rolled his eyes as he reached for the phone.

“I know – it has peanuts in it. I asked which ones you wanted.” Brian repeated, withholding annoyance. Justin was doing that more and more often lately; instead of telling him what he wanted, he refused to make any decisions by pointing out what he couldn’t have. Brian suspected it was because he was afraid of causing trouble.  Justin simply set forth some stipulations and left the ultimate decision to Brian.

“Which ones are there?” Justin asked without looking away from the window.

Brian sighed, heavily put upon, and took the menu over to him. He held it out to him which is when he got a good look at the coffee table and saw all of Justin’s hand exercises – untouched from when they did them in the morning. He frowned and walked over to pick up the small foam ball Justin was supposed to squeeze as part of his exercises. It was part of a set intended to help slowly build up his hand strength. Justin would start with the foam ball and slowly work his way up to a heavy metal ball that was larger than all the others. Brian knew it would be some time before they even touched it. The set lay next to the hand brace Justin was supposed to wear after each exercise to keep his hand from cramping.

He walked back to Justin and held out the ball. “Did you not do your therapy tonight?” He asked and Justin shook his head as his eyes remained on the takeout menu.

“No. I want the Spider roll and the Salmon roll.” Justin said simply as he held it back out to him. Brian snapped it away and then took Justin’s injured hand out of his pocket and put the ball into it. “Ow…hey…” Justin grumbled and then moved the ball to his other hand.

“Don’t.” Brian warned firmly. “Do the fucking therapy, Justin.” He used his ‘no nonsense’ voice which generally got Justin to do whatever he wanted. He saw the resignation on Justin’s face and the boy went to the couch and sat down. Brian nodded as he watched him start his warm-up stretches and then placed their order.

When he finished and put the phone back on the stand, he walked to Justin and sat next to him on the couch. He casually leaned back and wrapped an arm behind Justin, along the top of the couch. “You’re supposed to do them three times a day.” He reminded and watched Justin’s shoulder’s slump.

“They’re hard to do on my own.” Justin defended weakly and Brian could see that he was struggling with getting his hand to stretch as much as it needed to in order to roll the ball up and down his leg. The ball was only a warm up as well, there were harder, more complicated exercises Justin needed to do as part of his physical therapy.

“Well if you don’t do them they’ll only get harder.” Brian said, nevertheless, he scooted closer to him and took a hold of Justin’s hand in both of his to help hold it open. He massaged the top with his thumbs as Justin moved it up and down.

They were both silent until the food came. That was when Brian stopped helping him and went to go open the door. He waited before opening it, however, because Justin needed to be in the bedroom before he opened the door for someone; most often though Brian would find him locked in the bathroom. He quickly paid the man, then shut and locked the door.

“Coast is clear, Sunshine!” He called out as he put the bagged food on the counter and began taking out the boxes of sushi.

“The door is locked?” Justin’s voice was muffled by the bathroom door – just as he suspected.

“Yeah, get your ass out here!” He shouted back with a sad shake of his head. Brian popped open Justin’s box for him because he knew that the boy would struggle with it with his hand, and then held it out as Justin emerged from the bathroom.

Even after Justin took the food at sat at the bar Brian kept his gaze on him intently. ‘He’s getting worse, not better.’ Brian thought sadly, and finally lowered his gaze to his food. Justin’s hand was pressed back in his pocket and he ate solely with his left. “I’m going out to Woody’s tonight.” He announced suddenly and Justin stilled and then turned to him. “Why don’t you come with me?”

He knew Justin was going to say no. He had to ask anyways.

There was an immediate flinch and Justin’s head jerked back and forth awkwardly; the very idea of going outside made him so anxious and frightened that his body seemed to lose control of itself. “N-no…” Justin said, shutting his eyes tightly.

“Okay. Okay okay okay.” Brian relented quickly, unable to handle the fear that was emanating from the boy. He stepped forward and took Justin into his arms, stilling his shaking head with a soft hand to the back of his neck. “It’s okay, calm down.” He urged and held him firmly as he continued to quiver in his arms. “You don’t have to go out until you’re ready. Not until you’re ready.” He promised and placed a soft kiss on the top of Justin’s head.  He would say just about anything to stop Justin from having a meltdown.

Slowly, the shaking came to a stop and Brian loosened his hold. He moved his hands up to cup Justin’s face in his hand and wiped the tears away. “Okay?” He asked and Justin gave a weak nod. “Good.” He let his hands fall and then took a step away.

He felt guilty for leaving; he didn’t want to leave Justin home alone in the state he was in. He also didn’t want to leave after the shitty day he’d had. However, far more than that, he wanted to give Justin a reason to get better. So, he’d leave him alone and hopefully in time Justin will get sick of being left behind and want to venture out. Besides, just a few months earlier Justin made it his goal in life to be wherever he was.  Hopefully Justin would get that determination back.  It may not be a professional approach, but it was the only one he had.

“So, I’ll be back in a few hours. You’ll be alright here by yourself, won’t you?” He asked as he stepped away and grabbed his coat from the chair he’d thrown it on.

“Yes.” Justin answered simply, his voice quieter than usual. Brian suspected that he was still recovering, so didn’t think much of it.

“Alright. Later, Sunshine.” He gave a half wave and then left the loft. He waited just outside the door until he heard the door lock with a click. He nodded once, sighed, and then walked back down to meet guys.

Justin didn’t hesitate to lock the door as soon as Brian left. He had practically bolted for it once it slid closed. He leaned against the cold metal for a few minutes and kept his eyes closed, listening for anyone that might have slipped inside the building when Brian had left.

After he was certain no one was coming up the stairs, he moved to the window and looked down. He pressed his hands against the window sill and looked down the street. He smiled weakly as he saw the jeep drive down the street and away from the building towards Liberty.  His smile faded once Brian was gone and then he slumped a bit as his gaze shifted to the people walking up and down the street. He knew Brian was constantly thinking of ways to get him to leave, but the very thought of stepping outside of the loft petrified him in a way he couldn’t even describe. It just seemed like an impossible feat – it was too dangerous out there. He didn’t want to be attacked again…

He just couldn’t leave – He couldn’t.

It wasn’t safe…

Not safe…

Not safe.