Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

*** Special thanks to my wonderful beta ***

*** Special thanks to all the persons who have helped me lately with this story ***

♥ The Present: September 2014

 

 

 

September 2014…

 

 

 

 

After leaving Emmett’s apartment, Justin walked aimlessly among the streets of the city, not thinking about where he was headed. He was busy questioning the invitation he had extended to Brian, and trying to come to a decision regarding whether or not he was willing to let his former boyfriend back into his life.

 

 

 

The problem was, he was slowly beginning to realize that he wanted to be a part of Brian’s life again. And that realization was throwing him off. When did he change his mind? He had cut the man out of his life for so long; why was he realizing just now that Brian was still important to him? Truthfully, he knew part of the answer was just him growing up and being able to recognize that he had become a better man over time, and he was willing to admit that his former lover was, and would always be, a person he cared about, no matter how much time elapsed.

 

 

 

Sometimes in a person’s life, some people leave an indelible, permanent mark. Time could pass, other people coming and going in your life without leaving any mark of substance; you didn’t think of them when you woke up, year after year, their presence or memories never encroaching upon your dreams or your day-to-day ritual.

 

 

 

But some remained. Whatever you did, wherever you were, you would always remember those few moments you’d shared so long ago; and at times, you asked yourself what they were doing. Were they happy, fulfilled? Had life spared them pain and sadness? Did they think about you at all? Did they remember? Their absence didn’t mean they were not with you, sharing your life, at least within your thoughts, ones that you were unable to control or stop.  Despite their bodily absence, they were still a part of your story. A part that was like… 

 

 

 

Brian.

 

 

 

Justin couldn’t help but wonder…was his former partner part of the reason why he had wanted to come back in the first place? Was it possible that he had unconsciously, yet purposely, returned? And if so, what did it mean about him, and what he truly wanted?

 

 

 

He had been so young and so in love back then. Did he regret their break-up at times? He didn’t have the answer to that question; it depended upon his mood. He had always felt guilty leaving Brian and making him deal with his demons alone. At the same time, however, witnessing him going through his pain management techniques after Jesse’s departure, while being so adamant about the abortion, had been the push Justin had needed to leave. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He couldn’t stay. If he had, it could have destroyed them both.

 

 

 

Or maybe not, considering Brian had finally changed his mind about Lindsay’s pregnancy. And now, Justin asked himself, what would have happened if he’d decided to stay? Did his leaving him have anything to do with Brian’s turnaround? Had Brian mourned him like he had? Did he regret their relationship at all?

 

 

 

Too many questions. Justin’s head was spinning.

 

 


 

 

 

He debated for a brief moment before picking up his phone, staring at its display screen. Searching his contacts list, he stopped on the one he had entered a week ago. Brian’s. His finger lightly traced over the ‘phone’ symbol in hesitation before, his mind made up, he pressed it.

 

 

 

As soon as Brian answered, he could immediately tell he was stressed out about something merely by the tone of his voice.

 

 

 

“What do you want?” his former lover barked.

 

 

 

To know if you’re okay, Justin’s first thought was. Had it been wise to call him now? Probably not. All the more reason why Justin wasn’t surprised when Brian got defensive.

 

 

“Why do you care?” Brian had asked.

 

 

 

Good question.

 

 

 

The only thing Justin could do at that moment was offer him his support, and tell his ex-boyfriend that he was there if he needed him. So he did.

 

 

 

After the call, he went back to his apartment to change and to grab something to eat. He called Tyler, waking him up, and couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of guilt creeping inside of him as he spoke to him. He pushed it away, however. Avoidance was so much easier.

 

 

 

He ate a bit while working on a project he was supervising for his new work. He showered and changed his clothes. He brushed his teeth. Ordinary tasks that kept him occupied for a little longer.

 

 

 

At 9:28 p.m., he left his apartment.

 

 

 


 

 

 

Woody’s, 10:30 p.m.…

 

 

 

Justin sensed him, even before he saw him. He peered at the entrance of Woody’s. He was there.

 

 

 

During that brief moment when Brian hadn’t spotted him yet, he closed his eyes to stop the image of a younger version of himself replacing the reality. How many times had he waited for Brian in the past at this place? How many shared drinks at this counter, at one of the tables, or near the pool tables? How many?

 

 

 

This was harder than he thought it would be.

 

 

 

Brian walked towards him. He paused next to him, acting as if he wasn’t there at all; he positioned himself with his back to the bar, his elbows supporting him. His gaze swept slowly over the room full of gay men in front of him, a few guys giving him an appreciative once over in return.

 

 

 

The ghost of a smirk appeared on his face as he leaned closer to him, muttering in his ear over the music, “I changed my mind.” Justin smiled over Brian’s antics. The scene – Brian acting like he owned the place - was familiar. Comforting.

 

 

 

Brian turned around and plopped himself on the bar stool next to him. The bartender asked him if he wanted the usual, and he just nodded curtly in response.

 

 

 

He took the glass full of Beam in his hands, and looked at it intently, as if he could find some answers in the brown, shiny liquid. Justin could sense that Brian was debating with himself about the reason why he was there in the first place. Truthfully, it felt unreal.

 

 

 

“So, Mr. Taylor…How does it feel to be back in fabulous Pittsburgh?” Brian drawled at last.

 

 

 

Justin had been observing him since he’d made his way to the bar. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say. The truth might be a good start, he ultimately decided. “It’s…kind of overwhelming.”

 

 

 

Brian chuckled over Justin’s choice of words.  “Right…” He peered at him and raised his eyebrows, his shot of Beam still in his hand, “Not any wishes to run for now?”

 

 

Ouch.

 

 

 

The double meaning wasn’t lost on Justin, so he couldn’t help but wince slightly at Brian’s remark.

 

 

 

Brian ignored it, adding, “If I were you, I would. Hell, I’d have never come back in the first place.” He gazed away, drank his shot and raised his glass, silently asking for a refill to the bartender.  Of course, Brian wouldn’t let go so easily.

 

 

 

Justin replied sincerely, his eyes never leaving Brian’s face, “You’re not me. Believe it or not, I’m happy to be back.”

 

 

 

Brian pinched his lips, his eyes boring into his refilled drink, not looking at him at all. Justin felt the awkwardness growing between them, and decided to move the conversation along. “So, what about you? How is…how is Jack?”

 

 

 

Brian raised his eyebrows and snorted. “Fabulous! He tried to kill someone today. Nothing to worry about…” He drank his shot in one go, aware that Justin was going to react to his words.

 

 

 

“He what?” Justin asked, astounded. He knew he hadn’t been around for a long time, but he couldn’t believe that Brian’s father would do that.

 

 

 

Brian went on sarcastically, as if Justin hadn’t questioned his statement. “In fact, he tried to strangle a patient. It’s a shame he didn’t aim for the new nurse if you ask me, but what can I say? Parents these days are not what they used to be…” Brian motioned for the bartender to serve him again.

 

 

 

“Brian…I’m…It’s…” Justin mumbled, not really knowing what to say.

 

 

 

“We live in a wonderful world, don’t you think?” Brian volunteered with a fake smile, before gazing at his glass, hypnotized by the slow movement of the turning liquid as he moved the glass in a circle.

 

 

 

He looked exhausted, drained. Justin couldn’t help but think that there was something he was missing.

 

 

 

As if to validate his thoughts, Brian sighed, dropping the act. “Fuck, I’m tired of that shit.”

 

 

 

Justin was at a loss. He could see Brian was having a hard time dealing with his father’s predicament, and he suspected that his return hadn’t helped, either. He had been so busy trying to figure out how to act with him that he had nearly forgotten that he wasn’t the only one who was having to deal with their reunion.

 

 

 

Conversely, he was grateful that Brian wasn’t attempting to hide behind sarcastic remarks. Now, all he could do was hope that they would be able to overcome their past.

 

 

 


 

 

 

Brian hadn’t been sure that coming here tonight would be a good thing. He was on the edge, his headache having not improved much since his visit to his father. Therefore, he was afraid of what he might say. He truly didn’t need to make things worse with Justin; his life was sufficiently complicated as it was.

 

 

 

After having left the Institute, he had dropped by Lindsay and Mel’s house, but Gus had already been asleep. He had promised Lindsay he would come back the next day before kissing his sleeping son.

 

 

 

He’d returned to the loft, not aware that he had already made the decision to join his former lover until he’d dressed and left again.

 

 

 

Why was he here in the first place? When Justin had first made the suggestion to meet, he’d wanted to say no. He was afraid this encounter would do more harm than good, especially considering the bad mood he was in.

 

 

 

Yet, here he was. It had to mean something.

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Flashback, The Institute, three hours earlier…

 

 

Jack had awakened just after Justin’s call.

 

 

 

“Hey…” Brian walked back to the bed and sat down on the chair. He looked as Jack’s eyelids fluttered open a few more times until his gaze finally focused – a moment of recognition, followed by relief in his eyes.

 

 

 

“Brian…” The man whispered, seemingly still groggy.

 

 

 

Brian let a minute or two pass, allowing his father to wake up peacefully. He observed him, looking for clues as to how he was feeling, but Jack seemed strangely calm; if he hadn’t played with the sheet of his bed, folding it before smoothing it several times in a row, Brian wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong without prior knowledge.

 

 

“How are you feeling?” Brian inquired eventually.

 

 

Jack didn’t respond. He averted his gaze and kept playing with the cotton sheet.

 

 

 

“You don’t want to answer, huh?” Brian tried again, but he could already guess that Jack wouldn’t tell him anything tonight.

 

 

 

He sighed and stood up to get a cool, damp cloth from the bathroom. His father’s forehead was sweaty.

 

 

He came back and pressed the towel lightly against his father’s forehead. Jack snatched it with his hands. “It’s hot,” he commented with a grimace.

 

 

 

Brian pinched his lips. “No, it’s not.”

 

 

 

“It is! I don’t like it when it’s hot,” Jack insisted.

 

 

“Okay, then…” Brian relented, hiding his exasperation. “Do you feel well enough to stand up? We could go outside for a walk. It’s been raining for the past hour, but it’s better now. Almost stopped. ”

 

 

 

“I love the rain!” Jack exclaimed, clapping his hands in excitement.

 

 

 

“I know. But let me get an umbrella first. I’m not going outside to get soaked. Not even for you.” Brian glared at his father, only half-quipping.

 

 

 

“You’re not funny,” Jack pouted, crossing his arms.

 

 

 

Brian chuckled. “Well, the-not-so funny man needs for you to get up and get dressed. Come on, Rain Man.” He patted Jack on the arm and helped him to stand up and don some sweats and a sweater. The shower could wait until they returned.

 

 

They left the floor and headed down the stairs. Outside, they traveled the quiet, lighted path surrounding the Institute and the surrounding forest for forty minutes. The rain was falling from the darkened sky. Brian had taken his umbrella, but Jack spent the time dodging in and out of the rain, laughing under the drops of drizzling water. Even now, after more than seven years by his side, Brian was still amazed at witnessing his father’s joy of life over simple things.

 

 

 

Brian tried to ask him what had happened in the afternoon and if he remembered why he had been in his bed when he’d come to visit him, but his father denied having any memory of it, continuing his child-like game of hide-and-seek with the rain. Brian didn’t know if he really couldn’t remember, or if he was purposely holding back for fear that Brian would not be happy with him. Was Jack even conscious of his actions? Brian suspected he was, but he decided not to press him at the moment. If he did, Jack would keep scampering in and out of the rain, and he would end up dizzy from trying to keep sight of him; furthermore, his headache would never end, and he already felt like putting a bullet to his head. He would deal with it later.

 

 

 

They went back to Jack’s room, dried themselves. Jack took a shower. Brian helped him with his meal.

 

 

 

Eventually, he left him in the common room to watch a movie. Brian couldn’t help but laugh out loud – earning a few curious and disapproving glares - when he saw which movie had been selected for tonight.

 

 

 

Forrest Gump.’ How appropriate… Brian briefly considered that if he had been listening to ‘Ironic’ by Alanis Morissette at that exact moment, he would have cracked up for good. Maybe he would have stayed there with his father, and they would have run back into the rain together.

 

 

 

End of Flashback…

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Considering his state of mind, Brian wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he didn’t have the strength to question his decision about meeting Justin tonight. Even if he couldn’t help himself from being a little defensive around Justin at the beginning, the truth was, he was just extremely tired.

 

 

 

He no longer felt the need to analyze why he was willing to share his thoughts with his former lover. But he wanted to. He wanted to be able to talk about Jack with Justin, to tell him the truth, to explain what he was going through.

 

 

 

“Jack remembers the accident,” he simply stated.

 

 

 

Justin frowned. “He does? How do you know?”

 

 

Brian revealed with a shrug, “He told me.”

 

 

 

He knew Justin was about to bombard him with questions after that revelation. During the time they’d been together, Justin had been aware of Brian’s visits to his father – he had even accompanied him there more than once - but he also knew that his boyfriend had never talked to Jack even once.  Realizing his father could no longer recognize him after the accident, Brian had preferred to steal moments here and there to quietly study his father from afar as he sat among the others in the community room, totally oblivious to his son's observations. It was a protection against the unknown, driven by an uncontrollable fear of what exposing himself would cause, and the lingering resentment that he suspected would always be imprisoned inside him. Brian found it difficult to reconcile the smiling man who appeared to be so friendly with everyone and didn’t have a mean bone in his body with the abusive man who had raised him."

 

 

 

Of course back then he had merely told everyone that he just wasn’t interested in connecting with his father anymore, not after all the harm he’d done. And it had been true to an extent. After all, his father was responsible for the death of his mother and sister, and so much more.

 

 

 

Brian had hated Jack Kinney for most of his life, and the hatred had reached a climax on the fateful night of the car crash. He still remembered the numbness he had felt. But even more, he remembered his teenage self standing in the hospital doorway of his father’s room, looking at the immobile form in the bed. Listening to the sound of the machines keeping him alive. And wishing fervently that they would just stop; that he would die.

 

 

 

He hadn’t known at that moment that he’d already gotten his wish, because for all intents and purposes Jack Kinney was gone forever. If he had realized that, he might have thought differently.

 

 

 

Justin had urged him in the past to reconnect with the man who had taken his father’s place. But his boyfriend had also respected Brian’s wish to stay away. It had always been one of Justin’s most valuable qualities: his ability to share his views wisely, without pressuring anybody to do as he would or judge them based on their decisions.

 

 

 

That’s probably why Brian was willing to talk about Jack with him now. He had expected some questions, however, not a deafening silence.

 

 

 

He gazed up at Justin, who was staring at him with a strange look on his face. The silence dragged on for several seconds until Brian finally broke it. “You have nothing to say?”

 

 

 

“No,” his companion replied, before shaking his head, questioning his own response. “I mean…Yes. I… I’m surprised you decided to be a part of Jack’s life. But yet I’m not surprised. And…” Truthfully, Justin never thought that Brian would finally decide to reveal himself to Jack; and at the same time, it was so like him to change his mind if he’d found a good reason to do it. Justin was just curious about what that could be.

 

 

 

Peering at Brian and seeing the mischievous look on his face, he hastily added, “And before you say it, yes, I’M perfectly eloquent here. At least in my head. It’s not my fault you’re not a mind reader,” Justin half-quipped, hoping to lessen the tense vibe he could feel emanating from his ex-boyfriend.

 

 

 

Brian actually smiled. Leave it to Justin to take the words out of his mouth, even today. “You want to know the reason why I changed my mind, don’t you?” He correctly surmised, playing with his glass again.

 

 

 

“I’d be lying if I told you I’m not curious,” Justin admitted, his eyes finally catching Brian’s. He wasn’t sure he was liking what he saw in them.

 

 

 

Brian gave him a one-word answer, while he lost himself once again in the brown liquid of his glass. “Gus…” Gazing away, he sighed, “A child can make you change every fucking rule you live by.”

 

 

 

Wow. Becoming a father had been his incentive. Justin could understand that, but it didn’t explain why he had changed his mind about being a dad in the first place. “Why did you…” The words he wanted to use escaped him.

 

 

 

Brian knew exactly what Justin was trying to ask. Justin had run away from him, partly because he hadn’t wanted Lindsay to keep the baby. The whole situation had been a huge mistake, and Brian had been adamant about not wanting to make another one by giving life to a child who would be doomed from the start, condemned to having a father who would fuck up again and again. Being a parent figure had terrified him more than anything he had ever felt. And yet, in the end, he had given his blessing to Lindsay, being confident at the time that he would stay away from the child’s life. What a joke that had turned out to be!

 

 

 

The real reason for his turnaround? He’d already lost Jesse, then Justin… knowing they’d left because of him, because of what he had done…and he would have inevitably lost Lindsay as well.  He couldn’t go through that again.

 

 

The hardest part had been the hope he had sustained for a long time that Justin would come back one day. Yet, if he hadn’t left, Brian would probably not have changed his mind, and Gus wouldn’t be there.

 

 

 

He could tell Justin the truth now. But he wouldn’t. What would be the point? It would just confirm how fucked up he had been. He still was, but he had learned from his mistakes, thankfully. His present self wouldn’t have done what his past self had done. He would have assumed. He would have told Justin that he cared.

 

 

 

He still did, even if it was too late.

 

 

Justin had his life. Brian didn’t know exactly what he had done for the past eight years, but he could tell that Justin was happy. He seemed…fulfilled. Who was he to disrupt his life? If he admitted that he’d changed his mind because of him, Justin would question its meaning. And Brian didn’t want that. He still believed in some ways that he wasn’t good for Justin. He’d never been. The fact that he couldn’t stop himself from wanting him even after so many years didn’t help, but he could overlook his own feelings for Justin’s sake. And what if Justin had someone in his life? Brian had heard about a guy he had gone to Europe with, but he didn’t know much else. Was he single now? Or was his heart still beating for another man?

 

 

 

Fuck. He needed to stop.  But he also needed to know.

 

 

 

“Are you happy?” As he asked the question, his eyes bored into Justin’s. He could immediately see the clouds in them, and just like that, he knew. He inwardly asked himself why he had been stupid enough to think that Justin could have called him because he…what? Wanted to reconnect? Or even more ludicrous, wanted him back in his life?

 

 

You’re a pathetic fool. Of course Justin had someone in his life. It couldn’t be any other way.

 

 

 

“Yes. I am,” Justin responded carefully.

 

 

 

“Does he…” Brian cleared his throat. Ultimately, the response that he would give him to this last question would be decisive. “Does he treat you well?”

 

 

 

Justin stared at him a long moment, surprise written all over his face, wondering how Brian could have guessed about Tyler. He briefly pondered about the best way to handle his answer, but in the end, there were only one thing to do. He owed Brian the truth.  “He does. His name is Tyler,” He finally admitted, a lump forming in his throat.

 

 

“Good,” Brian answered, his chest tightening over Justin’s confirmation. Justin had a boyfriend. Someone who shared his life, who made him laugh, who fell asleep next to him, who made love to him. Someone who obviously loved him. Justin had never been able to lie. His eyes said it all.

 

 

Thus, there was only one thing to do.

 

 

 

Brian finished his drink. He suddenly stood up then, and plucked a few bills from the back pocket of his jeans, putting them on the counter. He looked at the bartender, and announced, “It’s on me.”

 

 

 

“Wait. Brian…” Justin stood up, too, understanding exactly what would happen if he didn’t react right away.

 

 

 

“I need to go,” Brian stated, not looking at Justin as he walked towards the bar’s exit.

 

 

 

Justin went after him, quickly weaving through the crowd. Brian opened the front door and stepped outside, with Justin flat on his heels.  Just as he was coming down the stairs, the younger man finally managed to grab his arm.

 

 

 

“Don’t go…” Justin wasn’t ready to let him go.

 

 

 

Brian stopped. “Justin…It’s better this way.” He finally peered at his former lover.

 

 

 

“For whom?” Justin questioned. “For you?” He frowned, disapproving, his body language betraying his agitation. “What are you so afraid of?” Brian stayed silent. “We can be friends! I still…”

 

 

 

“You’re wrong.” Brian shook his head, interrupting him from going further. “I won’t do this. I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

Sorry’s bullshit, Justin wanted to reply. “Why?”

 

 

 

Brian looked away, but Justin wasn’t going to let him run away without an explanation. He grabbed his arm again to capture his whole attention. He should have released Brian’s arm and let him leave, but he couldn’t do it.

 

 

 

Brian stared at him then, and Justin felt his heartbeat racing. For an instant, he was sure that Brian was going to move closer, to hold him, maybe even kiss him. Brian’s eyes bored into his with an intensity that Justin had rarely seen. He shivered.

 

 

 

It was there, the reason. In Brian’s gaze.

 

 

 

But a second later, it was gone. Brian stepped back slowly, breaking the contact of Justin’s hand on his arm. He murmured softly, “Goodbye Justin.”

 

 

 

He kept staring at Justin for a few more seconds until at last he turned around and moved away.

 

 

 

Justin just stayed there, standing on the pavement, staring at the first man he had ever loved disappearing through the crowd of bystanders walking under the illuminated night.

 

 

 

He wasn’t the one running away this time. Brian was.

 

 

 

 

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