Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

 

** Just a few words...My beta is the most amazing beta ever;  I know I say it all the time, but I can't emphasize enough how amazing having a beta like Kim is. If not for her, I wouldn't be there. I want to thank her again, as she perseveres along with me on the story, even with all that she has to do - her full time work, her work as an admin here, her work on her own stories, her work as a beta...I am guilty of adding more work into her life, but I'm honored to have her by my side for this. So honored. Now, go and read her new story! It's amazing as always :) But please come back after lol **

The Past: December 2002

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 2002

 

 

 

It had been nearly three weeks since Justin had moved in with Emmett and Brian. The young man had thankfully recovered, and had been able to return to classes after ten days, but he’d had a lot of catching up to do. His professors had been nice enough to give him copies of their lectures, and Justin was trying his best to make up all the work he had missed, but he was easily exhausted, and was mainly going through the motions as he tried not to stumble. In the present condition Justin was in, the world continued to be a difficult place to traverse. 

 

 

 

Emmett had been his rock, helping him with moving in and being the perfect host when his mother stopped by – way too often for Justin’s taste - and generally being the best friend he could have ever hoped for. Daphne had come by a couple of times to help, too, and the two had bonded over Justin’s illness.

 

 

 

On the other hand, it felt like far too long since he had begun living with Brian Kinney, even though the brunet was doing his best to ignore his existence. Most of the time, Justin felt like Brian treated him as if he were part of the furniture, except when he was in a particularly bad mood and couldn’t help but be his charming, Mr. ‘Asshole’ self. Nevertheless, Emmett hadn’t lied. Brian was barely there at all. Between his classes, his job at the library, and the time he spent either in his room or outside, Justin didn’t see him a lot. Despite the fact that Justin oddly enough hadn’t been witness to another of Brian’s ‘up close and personal’ porn scenes lately, he knew nevertheless by the quite vocal sounds escaping Brian’s room that he was not depriving himself, but was conducting his ‘business’ in the privacy of his bedroom instead. 

 

 

 

*


 

 

 

 

On Friday evening, Daphne had stopped by unexpectedly. Emmett had gone out to meet up with his friend Ted, asking Justin if he wanted to join them, but the young man had declined. Facing the outside world once a day was enough, and he had already spent six hours on campus that day. He still tired rather easily, also, so he wanted to make it an early night.

 

 

 

“I hate him,” Justin declared. He and Daphne were sitting on the leather couch in the living room of the apartment, the same one that Brian had used to fuck the trick three weeks ago.

 

 

 

“What has he done this time?” Daphne asked with a smile. She knew by now how uncomfortable Justin was with Brian, even if she had never encountered the man herself.

 

 

 

“His room is right behind the wall of my bed; and of course, he has nothing better to do with his free time than to keep me awake with his fucking goal of having sex with every single gay man in Pittsburgh. Seriously, couldn’t he just find some other hobby?”

 

 

 

Daphne chuckled. “I don’t remember you being such a prude,” she quipped, amused by her friend’s dismay.

 

 

 

“I wasn’t…I’m not,” Justin added hastily, before sighing deeply. “But he could fuck somewhere else! He doesn’t have to share his tricking with the whole building!” In front of Daphne’s knowing look, he insisted, “You know what I mean! I want to be able to sleep, and not listen to him moaning for hours on end…”

 

 

 

“You know what? You need to get laid,” Daphne stated seriously.

 

 

 

“Huh?” Justin wasn’t sure he had heard her right.

 

 

 

Daphne looked at her friend like she was about to make a big revelation as she clasped his hands in hers. “It’s been a long time, Justin. Look at it from a therapeutic point of view...” She smiled, before releasing his hands. “Maybe Brian could help stir up the desire that is dormant inside of you. And if I were you, I would take a cue from the way he sounds, and imagine how it would feel,” she suggested with a grin before adding, “Or even better! You can invite him to your room as a part of your therapy!”

 

 

 

Justin’s mouth hung open.  “You’re nuts!” He decided, shoving her away playfully and rolling his eyes.

 

 

 

Daphne laughed before sobering up, their gazes locking. Justin understood she was not joking this time. “Justin, I know you’re still…” She didn’t say more, because it wasn’t necessary. Both of them knew that Justin had yet to be close to someone again. So, she suggested carefully, “Maybe it’s time for you to do something about it. You need to move on, to allow yourself some…physical intimacy again.”

 

 

 

Justin wasn’t happy with the direction this conversation was taking. “You think I don’t want that, too? That I’m happy with the way I am?” He huffed, standing up.

 

 

 

“No! You know I didn’t mean that…” Daphne responded, but Justin didn’t seem to hear her.

 

 

 

“I feel paralyzed, Daph… and I fucking hate it!” Justin interrupted her, lost in his own thoughts.

 

 

 

He heard Brian at night. He could almost feel the pleasure of warm skin sliding against the other’s body, hot, soft and wet, the burn caused by the craving desire one could feel for another man. He could almost remember the delicious sensation of sweet abandon provided by the melody of two entwined bodies dancing together.

 

 

 

Almost.

 

 

 

The frustration was so intense, he wanted to burrow down inside the comfort of his bed and never emerge ever again. It wasn’t even about Brian. Truthfully, he didn’t know the man at all, apart from his asshole persona. Justin suspected there were more to him than his ‘fuck them and leave them’ mentality, or he wouldn’t have friends like Emmett, or Jesse and Michael. Justin had seen Brian’s two friends a couple of times already, and they seemed nice enough, especially Jesse. As for Brian, he was infuriating with his haughty attitude, making him want to frequently reach out and physically shut him up; yet he knew deep down that there was something more about him. What it was, though, he wasn’t sure.

 

 

 

Furthermore, Brian reminded him constantly that he had enjoyed sex, once. Of course, he hadn’t been an active gay man for a long time when the bashing had occurred, but he still remembered the euphoria caused by the thrill of being with another man, fucking him, surrendering to his own desires. Hearing Brian having sex had awakened that part of him that craved to be released from its forced retreat.

 

 

 

“Daphne, I just wish…I want so much for things to change,” he finally confided, sighing from his place in front of the marble fireplace mantel, his back to his friend.

 

 

 

“Will you stop with the self-pity party, Blondie? Confidence is fucking hot; self-wallowing, on the other hand, makes your dick soft...”

 

 

 

Brian’s voice stopped him cold. Justin hadn’t heard him entering the apartment, too absorbed in his own morose thoughts to even notice. He turned around and looked up, watching as Brian headed toward the kitchen counter and threw his duffel bag down onto one of the bar stools.

 

 

 

Justin wasn’t in the mood to listen to Brian’s bullshit. “Fuck you, Brian!” he retorted; but he was too tired for his words to have any real sting to them.

 

 

 

“Well, aren’t you just the charming one tonight?” Brian drawled sarcastically, his eyes finally locking on Justin’s. The young man felt his heart beating faster.

 

 

 

What the fuck?

 

 

 

Brian peered over at Daphne as he walked closer to the back of the couch where she remained seated. “So, the kitten has a fag hag. It figures,” he stated, raising his eyebrows at Justin before grinning smugly at Daphne. “Uhh…?”

 

 

 

She actually blushed. “I’m Daphne,” she informed him almost shyly. Justin couldn’t believe that Brian could actually intimidate her.

 

 

 

“And I’m bored already. Is he always so lunatic?” Brian replied, softening his words to Daphne by bending over and giving her a kiss on the cheek, causing Justin to ask himself exactly what game he was playing. He also seriously considered throttling his best friend, who was turning fifty shades of red like some giddy schoolgirl over Brian’s flirtatious overtures. 

 

 

 

Traitor.

 

 

 

“Brian, behave,” another voice said. Justin hadn’t noticed until now that Jesse was there, too, with Michael. He looked at them as they headed towards the kitchen counter.

 

 

 

These last few months, and especially this past month, Justin had been forced to interact with people he didn’t know. It hadn’t been easy; it still caused his heart to beat erratically most of the time, but since moving in he had witnessed a lot of Emmett and Brian’s friends stopping by. If he didn’t want to come across as a total jerk, then, he needed to force himself to open up a little bit.

 

 

 

His therapist was actually happy with the progress he had been making. It was slim consolation as opposed to how he used to be, but the truth was, he was glad to meet new people, to be able to. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been capable of that not so long ago. It was progress. And any progress was a win in his book. Remembering the path he had already traversed since that fateful night was giving him the strength to hang on, to believe that maybe one day, he would become the man he yearned to be. The man he knew he could be.

 

 

 

Taking a breath, he forced himself to smile. “Hi Jesse. Michael,” he greeted them, without moving from his place by the living room.

 

 

 

“You okay?” Jesse asked, a friendly gaze on his face.

 

 

 

“Just dandy,” Justin answered, before peering over at Brian with a fake smile. Brian merely made a face at him in return.

 

 

 

“I’m Jesse. You must be Daphne,” Jesse introduced himself to Justin’s best friend, as he and Michael made their way to the couch.

 

 

 

“I’m Michael. Nice to meet you!” The dark-haired man said cheerfully, waving his hand. Daphne seemed to be over the moon. Too many hot guys, Justin suspected, even if there was just one catch. They were all gay.

 

 

 

Brian seemed bored with all the introductions as he silently turned and left the room. Michael’s eyes followed his friend’s retreat and he frowned before actually going after him. Something was going on, but Justin had no clue what it was.

 

 

 

“Everyone has the night off tonight, so we’re about to go to Woody’s…Wanna come?” Jesse asked him and Daphne.

 

 

 

Justin knew Daphne would be interested, but he really wasn’t. He had been at Woody’s a couple of times before, but he hadn’t set foot in there for a long time. Honestly, he had no intention of returning there anytime soon.

 

 

 

Daphne looked at him and seemed to understand that it was out of the question. She quietly answered, “I think we’ll pass for tonight. I’m beat anyway.” She stood up to go as she grabbed her coat.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Later that night, Justin woke up.

 

 

 

Surprisingly, nothing had disturbed him this time. Neither Brian’s moans of pleasure echoing in his dreams, nor the hideous nightmare of where he was paralyzed by an invisible and indefinable someone who would sneer at him, the icy tone of his voice swirling around him and inside of him, gripping his very core.

 

 

 

This time, he didn’t know why, but as he opened his eyes and stared at the darkness of his room, he had this strange and overwhelming compulsion to go out; to inhale the outside air while letting his eyes linger on the dark and powerful color of the sky. He wanted to let his mind travel, and feel his emotions insidiously flood his veins.

 

 

 

Since the attack, being alone with himself in a peaceful place had been both his refuge and his prison. Sometimes, his mind would stay as blank as an empty glass, but other times terrible thoughts would take over. Depending upon his mood, it could truly soothe him, or definitely beat him.

 

 

 

Tonight, though, Justin knew he would be okay. He just needed to breathe.

 

 

 

He got out of his bed, slipped into a pair of grey sweats, and put on a blue hoodie. He left the apartment quietly. Emmett happened to mention that there was an open area on the roof of the building that provided a view of part of the city. Curious, Justin walked a few steps down the hallway until he found the door to the outside staircase. He put his hand on its handle and paused, staring at it for a few seconds before turning it. Then, he moved forward, his breath becoming visible as it lingered in the chilly air.

 

 

 

He climbed the stairs, one by one, careful not to make too much noise. At last, he reached the last one and stepped out onto the roof, the cold air caressing his face as his eyes honed in on a familiar form.

 

 

 

Brian was there. Alone. He was sitting on the edge of the building, his legs dangling off the side, smoking a cigarette and staring out at the cityscape in front of him. Maybe. Or maybe he wasn’t focusing on anything at all.

 

 

 

The brunet couldn’t see him. That might be why Justin stayed where he was, observing him.

 

 

 

It was at that moment, while he was standing immobile on an unfamiliar roof at two in the morning during a cold night in December of 2002, that he realized that Brian Kinney, even if he looked and acted like a jerk, wasn’t what he appeared to be. Justin didn’t know why, but it was as if he could recognize a connection, something, that drew him to Brian. It was ludicrous, and maybe the atmosphere surrounding him now could explain why he felt the way he did, or maybe…

 

 

 

Justin shook his head. The reason didn’t really matter.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Brian had gone to Woody’s, then to Babylon with the guys. Michael, Jesse, Emmett, Ted; they had done what they always did. They’d drunk, danced, fucked, and eventually, Jesse had gone home with his older lover Aaron, while Michael had gone back to his mother. Emmett and Ted had still been at Babylon when Brian had left.

 

 

 

He hadn’t been in the mood to bring a trick home tonight. He was tired, his life being an eternal race against time. Between his work and his studies, Brian had barely any time for himself at all. Sometimes, he craved being alone, so he went up to the roof and stayed there, sitting on the edge near one of its corners, just looking at the twinkling lights of the city and listening to the thrum of life underneath his feet, for as long as he felt the need to.

 

 

 

He had gone and seen his father today. It had been six months since his last visit and as much as he tried to stay away, in the end he couldn’t. There was always something that would make him cave. Today, Michael had reminded him that it was his father’s birthday. Jack was fifty years old.

 

 

 

Fucking Michael.

 

 

 

Brian never talked to his father. He wasn’t even sure that Jack knew he existed. When he visited him, he would stay in the far corner of the common room, looking at this man he didn’t know. He seemed so fragile. And yet, during the short time that Brian usually kept him company, he’d seen him smile more than ever before. It was disturbing, and overwhelming.

 

 

 

Brian couldn’t reconcile the fact that this stranger was his father. The man who had killed his mother and sister five years ago. If anything, this man looked like a child. Innocent.

 

 

 

Not guilty.

 

 

 

Brian knew the injuries his father had suffered during the accident were permanent. He wasn’t Jack Kinney anymore. He’d never be again. He would never be able to live on his own. Nevertheless, Doctor Collier and Debbie had tried to persuade Brian to talk to him, as if it would help. But he just couldn’t. All he could do was pay the bills, and make sure that his father was being well taken care of.

 

 

 

Sighing, Brian didn’t really know how he felt. But he did feel, too much, probably. Having feelings was always harder than being an uncaring asshole. And most of the time, he was a first class one. But when he’d see his father, he couldn’t pretend not to be affected anymore. That was surely why he didn’t want to think about him most of the time, and why he avoided the Institute at all costs.

 

 

 

Brian couldn’t wait to move on with his life: to have his own place, a job, more money; to buy all that he wanted to buy, without having to count every cent, or flirt with some nameless guy to buy him a drink. Hopefully, in a year or two, he would be able to afford his own place. Not that he wasn’t grateful to live with Emmy Lou. Truthfully, he would miss his roommate’s annoying concern. He was a good friend, and a wonderful man – not that he would ever dare say that out loud.

 

 

 

And now, there was Blondie to consider. Brian knew he was way out of the line with him, but it seemed that he couldn’t stop himself from being an asshole whenever the chance presented itself.

 

 

 

Justin was an enigma. The young man seemed uncomfortable all the time, as if being with other people was a threat or something. Brian didn’t know why he acted like the world was such a dangerous place. Emmett had barely told him anything about their temporary roommate, except that he needed to behave around him and give him some space. Yet, his face was familiar somehow, but Brian couldn’t remember where he’d seen it before.

 

 

 

What was even more surprising was that despite the sense of vulnerability Justin displayed, he was also quite capable of standing his ground and not backing down whenever Brian fucked with him. Justin seemed fragile, but there was also an undeniable strength within him. To Brian, then, he was a paradox.

 

 

 

That day, when Justin had chosen to leave his room at what he probably thought later was the worst possible time to find him fucking Trick #1379 against the couch, Brian had felt something while staring intently at Justin. At first, he had been turned on by the man’s presence, whereas Justin had looked like he was ready to faint. But the truth was, Brian had seen something else in the young man’s eyes, and when he had reached his orgasm, it had been fucking intense.

 

 

 

What Justin didn’t know was that Brian had spent some time in his room earlier that day, quietly studying him as he slept; he didn’t know why on earth he had done that. Afterward, he had called the trick, and had made a point of giving the man the best orgasm of his life. He hadn’t planned on Justin walking in on him, although in the recesses of his mind, he had been aware that the music was too loud, and might eventually wake him up. Intentional? If it was, he would never admit it to anyone, including himself.

 

 

 

At least, Brian could say that his life was never boring.

 

 

 

The wind was cold tonight and Brian’s cigarette died out while he was lost in thought. Like some sixth sense, he suddenly had a strange feeling that someone was watching him, making him turn his head in the direction of the staircase. That’s when he saw the focus of his thoughts standing at the entrance, staring back at him. Brian raised his eyebrows and blinked. Lowering his gaze briefly to grab his pack of cigarettes that he had left on the floor, his attention was diverted for just a few seconds, but when he peered back at the spot where Justin had been standing just a moment ago, there was no one there anymore. He was gone.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Three days later…

 

 

 

It happened on Monday.

 

 

 

Pittsburgh was not that big, so it was bound to happen one day. Yet, how could he have been prepared for it, much less entertain the thought that it could happen? Justin hadn’t seen his attacker since that night when he had been bashed by him with a baseball bat. The only consolation he had this time was that Chris Hobbs hadn’t seen him.

 

 

 

Justin had intended to run an errand at a nearby store, and was heading in that direction. As he turned a street corner, however, he halted in shock, peering at a familiar silhouette standing a few feet away.

 

 

 

The former captain of the St. James Academy football team was standing on the sidewalk near the street, obviously waiting for someone to join him. The young man hadn’t changed much. That’s maybe why Justin recognized him immediately, even if he could only see his back.

 

 

 

He felt himself freeze inside. His blood ran cold. His mind went blank.

 

 

 

How long he stood there, frozen to his spot, he didn’t know. The next thing he remembered was the racing of his heart as he ran and stumbled, bumping into nameless bodies.

 

 

 

He barged into the apartment several minutes later, and stopped in the living room, breathless. He felt like he was suffocating, even though his chest was heaving while he sought to breathe.

 

 

 

“What the fuck?”

 

 

 

Brian’s presence had gone unnoticed until Justin heard his voice. He was sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking some coffee, and now he was staring at him with a strange look on his face, undoubtedly trying to comprehend what was happening.

 

 

 

“Fuck you, Brian… Don’t…” Justin flinched, taking a step back as he had stood up and walked towards him, but Justin’s words made him pause.

 

 

 

“What’s going on? Justin…”

 

 

 

Justin blinked. It was the first time he had heard Brian actually say his name. But he couldn’t deal with it. The more Brian came closer, the more he could feel himself about to lose it. He wanted to disappear, to go back in time, anything… anything but this, standing here, looking like a crazy man, with Brian a few feet away and still approaching. Unfortunately, he finally hit the wall behind him and couldn’t escape anymore.

 

 

 

Brian tried to reach for his arm, looking…concerned? But the fear Justin felt inside that coalesced into the face of Chris Hobbs appearing in his mind over and over again was too much to bear.

 

 

 

Without warning Justin pushed Brian hard, using both hands to shove him away. Unprepared for the sudden action, Brian tripped before falling flat on the floor, almost hitting the coffee table behind him.

 

 

 

The pure look of shock on Brian’s face was unmistakable. He blinked before peering up at Justin, the concern he had felt earlier now replaced by anger.

 

 

 

“What’s your fucking problem??!” He shouted, as he stood up again, his face hardening into a murderous glare. “Are you brain damaged? You could have fucking hurt me, you prick!”

 

 

 

Brain damaged. Two words that finally made Justin fall apart.

 

 

 

“Brian…” Justin whispered, his voice filled with pain, a vise-like grip enveloping his chest like he had rarely felt before. He couldn’t breathe; it was as if something was preventing his lungs from filling with air, and his throat was closing up on its own.

 

 

 

Brian saw it immediately…the haunting anguish that was overwhelming the young man in front of him. The despair. The desolation. It was starting to strangle him, literally.

 

 

 

“Shit…” Brian uttered in realization. Justin was having a panic attack. “Justin!” Brian grabbed the young man and pulled him into his arms.

 

 

 

He felt him resist, felt the tension permeating his body. The fear Justin felt was emanating from him in waves as he tried to push Brian away. For a brief moment, Brian feared that what he was doing – grabbing onto Justin and refusing to let him go - would do more harm than good. But he didn’t have a choice. He had to do something, to try and reassure Justin that he was safe.

 

 

 

“Justin, listen to me! Stop fighting me. You have to breathe, Justin. You’re okay,” he reassured him in a soft voice, trying to hide his own panic as he witnessed Justin totally losing it; he attempted to soothe the young man in his arms as much as he could, but his legs were giving out. Unable to prevent it, Brian slid onto the floor, taking Justin along with him.

 

 

 

Acting instinctively, he changed his position, placing himself behind Justin and putting his arms around him, enveloping him in a tight embrace, Justin’s back to his chest. Then, he whispered in his ear, “You’re okay, Justin. You’re safe. I’m here. I won’t let you down.” Justin was not resisting much anymore, too drained to fight back, but he was still struggling to breathe.

 

 

 

“That’s it. Listen to me. Listen to my voice. You have to breathe, Justin. Just concentrate on breathing. You’re doing great. Just breathe,” Brian softly beseeched the young man in his arms, feeling his chest rising and falling. He kept murmuring gentle words over and over until, after endless seconds, he felt the tension leaving Justin’s body as the tears began to fall.

 

 

 

When Justin finally relaxed sufficiently, Brian stopped talking, but didn’t release his grip. His fingers were entwined with Justin’s, his thumb caressing the young man’s hand as he cried silently. He could feel the beating of Justin’s heart slowing down, the sensation comforting them both.

 

 

 

They didn’t move for a long time.

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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