Pittsburgh, October 2002, Justin’s place

Two months had passed since Justin had moved into his studio apartment. He was now a current student at Carnegie Mellon and living a normal life, or as normal as it could be, considering his history. It was true that more than a couple of times he had thought he wouldn’t be strong enough to succeed in finding the will to keep going; and yet, he was still here, standing and facing his fears.

But it was a fragile, sinuous path. When he went to class, Justin kept sitting alone, as far away as possible from the other students – when he could, anyway – and he fled back home as fast as he could as soon as the lessons were over. He avoided all contact with others; there were too many faces on the campus, each of them symbolizing one more chance of being hurt that Justin wasn’t willing to risk.

So in a nutshell, his life was a series of ups and downs. A couple of bad ‘downs,’ too. Living on his own and confronting the outside world was a day-to-day battle, one he was determined to fight even if he wasn’t so sure about the outcome. Hope was the lifeline he held onto; hope that one day he would feel better. Somehow.

One thing he could be proud of, conversely, was that he and Emmett were on their way to becoming friends, good friends even.

It had been a hard row to hoe at first. After his encounter with Emmett’s roommate, Justin had avoided all contact with the flamboyant man, even double checking the entrance to the building so as not to randomly bump into him. Consequently, he hadn’t come across Emmett in over a month; not until late September, when Emmett had presented himself at his door, seemingly upset and apologizing for ‘that fucking asshole’s behavior.’

It turned out that Emmett had correctly surmised that Justin had been avoiding him, but he had thought that it was simply due to his hesitation in becoming better acquainted with him. 

After all, Justin had expressed no desire initially in getting to know him better in the first place.  Eventually, though, he had found out about the less-than-pleasant encounter between Justin and Brian, and he had been royally pissed by his friend’s rudeness. Brian Kinney was actually the name of Emmett’s roommate, when he didn’t call him ‘my beloved asshole,’ beloved being an optional word depending upon Emmett’s opinion of Brian’s latest exploit.

Emmett was the kind of man who made everyone around him feel good. It was nothing short of a miracle for Justin that he was able to bond with someone like Emmett. But the other man was so full of life, always smiling and inquiring about Justin’s well-being, and seemed interested in everything that he had to share; that easy-going vibe surrounding him was the best antidote Justin could have asked for to help him open up to someone else. As much as he could, anyway.

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“You should come over to my place next time for a change. You’re always the one playing the host,” Emmett observed, taking off his coat and moving to sit on Justin’s sofa bed. He had just arrived at Justin’s studio apartment.

“I don’t mind,” Justin replied, as he retrieved two cans of iced tea from his mini-fridge, before adding wryly, “Besides, your roommate wouldn’t be too pleased to see me.”

Emmett studied a broken fingernail on his right hand, frowning. “Brian? He’s gone most of the time, so you can’t use him as an excuse not to come over,” he chided him gently as he accepted one of the cans that Justin held out to him.

Justin shook his head. He still felt some resentment over his last encounter with Brian. “What is it about him, anyway? I mean, you and he, you’re so…” he trailed off, his arm in the air as he tried to think of the right word.

“Different?” Emmett supplied, visibly amused by Justin’s ranting.

Justin sat next to Emmett, Indian style. “That’s an understatement. He’s rude and arrogant…and so sure of himself, while you’re…”

“Sweet? Super-nice? Caring? One of a kind? Extraordinary?” Emmett helpfully suggested, a big smile on his face as he purposely batted his eyes at Justin.

Justin laughed. Emmett was really one of a kind. “Something like that…” Then he added, “Seriously, how do you and he even manage to get along?”

Emmett took a sip of his tea before replying, his gaze softening his words, “You don’t know him like I do…Not that he doesn’t deserve to be taken down a notch or two after the way he treated you.”

Justin shrugged.  “No, I don’t know him,” he admitted.  “But what little I saw of him I didn’t like.”

Emmett seemed to think for a moment. “I admit Brian isn’t the simplest or friendliest human being on the planet.” In light of Justin’s pointed stare, he smirked. “Okay, scratch that; he is…sarcastic, unapologetic, in your face…” His expression grew more serious as he added, “But he is a good man, believe it or not.”

Justin eyed him skeptically. “You won’t be too surprised if I find that a little hard to believe?”

Emmett pinched his lips so as to stop the smile from appearing on his face in front of Justin’s adamant wish not to cut Brian any slack. Then, he decided to share his story with the man, hoping Justin would understand why they became friends and eventually roommates.

“Brian and I met at summer camp when I was thirteen, not too far from Pittsburgh. I used to go to my Aunt Lula’s for the summer, you know? I told you about her.”

Justin nodded, recalling how Emmett had explained to him one evening a few weeks back how he had managed to acquire such a beautiful living space. 

“Well, she thought it would be a good idea for me to meet new friends, since I certainly wasn’t the most popular kid around. So, I went to this camp with all these boys...” Emmett sing-songed playfully, like he was a hot stud at thirteen years old. Truthfully, he had been at an awkward, gangly stage.

Sobering over the thought, he continued his story. “That summer changed a lot of things for me. In fact, that was when I came to understand and accept that I was gay, along with all the implications that came with it.”

Justin could tell by the sound of Emmett’s voice, and the expression on his face, that it must have been an important time in Emmett’s life.

“Before then, I was this scared, shitless little thing that was always alone, hiding, or waiting for the other boys to mock me because of my being…different? I didn’t know at the time what it meant to be gay. Well, I knew, but…I still wasn’t sure of what it meant for me.” He paused, breathing deeply. “I always felt more like the Ugly Duckling back then, you know?” Emmett gazed at Justin with a small, melancholy smile on his face.

“Anyway, Brian and I didn’t meet right away. He was two years older than me, and sleeping in another dorm. So I spent my first days at the camp with my own group, except I was always left behind. Not that it was different from how my day-to-day life was in my own, little hometown.  I had always been left out. But at the camp, there was this guy…Billy. Fourteen, beautiful, and… a real jerk! He was harassing me all the time, playing jokes on me, leaving spiders in my bed, peeing in my shampoo, and stealing my clothes at the showers…I was miserable!”

Emmett paused again, allowing a few seconds to pass before continuing. “And then, I met Brian…He was like every other boy, unlike me. I had already seen him walking around the camp, but there had to be about fifty boys maybe that summer? So, I didn’t really notice him, until one night I saw him kissing this guy…” The tone of Emmett’s voice became more colorful then as he began to gesture wildly with his hands.  “I was like…Oh, my God!! How can he do that?” and I fled to my dorm as soon as he spotted me drooling in front of the crime scene…” Emmett laughed a little, remembering that memory. Justin couldn’t help but smile, too, imagining Emmett at thirteen years-old, skinny and undoubtedly rather clumsy, with eyes as large as saucers.

“The next day, I was alone, hiding out down by the river in this valley that surrounded the camp, and out of the blue, I saw Brian coming my way. I don’t know how he found me, and I was so sure he was there to beat the shit out of me! But he just stopped in front of me, looked around, muttered a “nice spot” or something, and before I knew it, he was sitting next to me, lighting a cigarette and being…almost nice? I was speechless to say the least. Then, he just looked at me and said, “So, you’re a queer, too?” with this fucking smirk he can have… And then he whispered…”

Emmett paused again, adding some dramatic effect to his speech. Justin understood immediately that this next part of the story had to be important. “He whispered in my ear, “You should be proud of who you are. You could be one hell of a queer if you weren’t so scared of what others might think.” And then, he grazed my neck with his fingers and…he kissed me!” Emmett was smiling by now, the memory obviously being a good, life-altering one.

“He kissed you?” Justin repeated, not expecting this turn of events.

Emmett laughed. “Oh, yes, he did! The first boy who had ever kissed me in my entire life. I was totally in love! For about ten seconds, that is, until he left me sitting there on my own with nothing more than a sarcastic, “See you, princess …”.”

That sounds more like it, Justin couldn’t help but think, grinning. “What happened after that?”

“We became friends, sort of. Not best buddies or anything, but we did spend some time together during the summer. He also told me soon after our first encounter that if Billy ever bothered me again, I should come to find him. And strangely enough, Billy never bothered me after that day. So, I spent the rest of the summer learning discreetly more about my new-self, if you know what I mean…” Emmett winked, his voice a soft purr by now.

So, Brian was actually a good guy? Justin couldn’t really believe he was. He had appeared to be such an asshole to him. “Hmm…So, how come he’s your roommate now? You’ve stayed in touch ever since? Your summer camp, it was, what?  Eight years ago, or something like that?”

Emmett finished his can of iced tea before answering Justin’s question. “No, we didn’t stay in touch…Actually, I met him again on Liberty Avenue after I moved there three years ago. He was looking for a place. I was looking for a roommate. It was the perfect arrangement,” Emmett explained, rising to walk over and place his can in the trash.

“Well, you’re way too kind for him, if you ask me…” Justin muttered.

“Don’t judge him too quickly,” Emmett stated quietly, surprising Justin, who looked down at his feet. “He’s not perfect, far from it, but he’s had some tough shit to go through.”

“Haven’t we all…” The words were out of Justin’s mouth before he could do anything to stop them. He noticed Emmett’s interrogating stare – the man having turned back around to look at him concernedly – before he averted his gaze.

Emmett returned to sit next to him. Justin could feel his stare on him. “You know, if you want to talk, I’m a good listener.”

Justin wrung his hands nervously as he stared down at his lap. “I…” He didn’t know what to say. He had never talked about it, not with anyone but his therapist. And even then, it was hard. Painful.

“It’s okay, Justin. You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Emmett softly reassured him, offering him a way out of their conversation.

Almost as if he couldn’t stop himself, though, Justin heard himself confiding in Emmett. “I was bashed at my prom.” He was shocked that he could find the courage to tell anyone else what had happened, as he tentatively raised his head to peer into his friend’s eyes.  “Sixteen months ago…”

Emmett’s nonchalant posture instantly disappeared. He stared at Justin in shock.  “You…”

“Don’t make me repeat it…” Justin pleaded.  Even if the tone of his voice didn’t betray how hard it was for him to talk about it, his physical reaction would. He rubbed his right hand nervously.

“I…” Emmett seemed to ponder what to say next. He finally correctly guessed, “You’re the student whose story was all over the news last year, aren’t you?”

“I… Yes…” Justin confirmed, taking a deep breath to keep his emotions under control.

“Justin, Sweetie…” Emmett tried to touch his hand, but Justin tensed. So, taking his clue, the man just placed his hand on the sofa. “I’m so sorry.”

Justin shrugged, “Don’t be. It’s just a fact. I’m…damaged.”

Emmett retorted immediately, obviously upset by Justin’s opinion of himself. “Surely you don’t think that…”

Justin locked his eyes with Emmett’s and responded, meaning every word, “Of course I do. I’m a loner. I…I can’t stand to be touched! I can’t walk anywhere without having this fucking knot of fear inside of me…” The words seem to spill out of him all at once, and he was grateful that Emmett wasn’t interrupting him, or trying to soothe him with empty words. “Do you know what the worst part is?”

Emmett just shook his head.

“I don’t know if I will ever be okay again. I just don’t know.”

“I…” Emmett opened his mouth and closed it. He was obviously distressed to hear his friend talking about himself in such a manner. Eventually, he said, “I’m not going to tell you what to do, or how to feel, Justin, but you have people around you who love you. Your mother, your sister… and this friend of yours…Daphne?” Emmett questioned, waiting for Justin to nod before going on.  “And I’m here, too. I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, and you must feel that’s probably not enough…but you’re not alone, Justin.”

“I know…” Justin whispered, gazing down, grateful for the support, but still finding it hard to accept it.

“And I’m right over there,” Emmett reminded him, nodding with his head in the direction of the main building. “You can come find me, or call me anytime of any day, okay? I mean that.” Without thinking, Emmett impulsively grasped Justin’s forearm momentarily to emphasize his words. Justin felt the touch only briefly before Emmett thought better of it and removed his hand, but his eyes stared a long moment at the place where Emmett’s hand had just touched him.

Gazing up at his companion, a meaningful look passed between them for several seconds as Justin realized Emmett was being sincere. He seemed to genuinely care about him, and even if it wouldn’t resolve the issues he still had, merely realizing that gave him a warm feeling inside, knowing he’d made a new friend. A beautiful friend.

Finally, he whispered, “Okay…”

Emmett smiled sheepishly before announcing in a more cheerful voice, “Come on, then; let’s order some pizza, shall we? I’m starving!” And just like that, Justin smiled, too.

**********************************************************************************

One month later…

According to the calendar, winter shouldn’t have arrived yet. Still, the snow had started to fall three days before, plunging the city into some kind of peaceful lethargy. Justin would have loved to admire this purity, the white landscape draping the streets being one of the things he loved the most during the long nights of this beautiful season. But he couldn’t enjoy these moments of peace this time.

Justin had a cold. A really bad cold. His mother had wanted him to come home when he had called her the day before, but Justin had flatly refused, not wanting for her to stop by, either. Why? Because he didn’t want to have to rely on his mother ever again, not after all those months of having to depend upon her for both emotional and financial support.

So, instead he had just asked her to inform the college for him that he would be missing classes for a couple of days. But truthfully, he should have accepted her proposal. It turned out that the heating at his place hadn’t been working properly for some time, if ever, alternating between too much heat and not any heat at all; until, at last, it had finally stopped functioning the night before. Justin knew he should have insisted the landlord either fix or totally replace the damn thing, but he felt like shit, and frankly didn’t feel up to squabbling with the building’s owner at the moment.

He knew his fever must be quite high. He couldn’t set a foot outside his bed; he couldn’t stop himself from shivering all the time, despite his three extra blankets, and he kept coughing over and over. Furthermore, he had already missed two days of class, and wasn’t anywhere close to feeling better, even if he’d spent his day sleeping on and off. To put it simply, he felt awful.

Eventually, acknowledging that he couldn’t stay on his own any longer, he debated briefly about calling his mother and agreeing to her offer to help him, but decided against it, contacting Emmett instead. He didn’t succeed in reaching him, though, and had to settle for leaving a message on his phone before falling back asleep.

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A few hours later, Emmett and Brian’s apartment…

The nightmare was always the same.

Brian was replaying this last scene, over and over. His mother and sister were sitting in a car parked in the driveway. Brian and his father were inside the house.

He could never recall why they had begun to argue. His relationship with his dad had never been easy, and all he could remember was the two of them standing in the kitchen and yelling at each other again. The more words were uttered, the angrier they both became.

“You don’t even try to listen… So what’s the point?”

“The point, Sonny Boy, is that you should shut the fuck up! I’m your father! You will do as I say! Don’t you have any respect?”

“Respect? Respect?!! Do you even hear what you’re saying? No way! I’m not going with you. You’re blind drunk, for Christ’s sake!”

“I’m perfectly able to drive, thank you very much. Now, get your damn ass in that car!”

“No…”

“What did you just say?”

“I said no! Maybe Mom and Claire can listen to your bullshit, but I won’t. And I won’t get into that car.”

“Come back here! Brian!”

Brian always woke up after that, sweating, his heart beating much too fast. But not before hearing one last sound haunting his dreams, the one of loud screeches of a car on the asphalt. It’s quite ironic, considering he wasn’t there when the accident occurred.

He’d seen enough after that to fill in the blanks, though.

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Brian couldn’t go back to sleep, so he got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. Emmett was there, sitting at the top-of-the-line kitchen counter situated in the middle of the huge, open area, reading one of those stupid celebrity magazines he enjoyed so much.

Brian looked at the clock on the wall. It was 2:10 AM. “Emmy Lou…You’re still up? Waiting for a late date, maybe?” Brian drawled sarcastically while sauntering over to the fridge. He opened it, grabbed a guava juice bottle, and drank without bothering to take out a glass.

“Hey, Brian…” Emmett answered, smiling at his roommate. “Actually, I’m looking after a friend. You know, the one you scared to death with your shitty behavior?”

“What…That prick?” Brian exclaimed, still holding the bottle in his hand. “Oh, come on! Don’t start with that shit again. It’s not my fault the boy is fucking weird! He is just plain odd. You’ve always had a thing for lost causes, though…” He placed the bottle back in the fridge, and went to plop down onto one of the bar stools.

“Brian…” Emmett reprimanded him sternly, staring at him pointedly.

“What?” Brian frowned at Emmett, the palms of his hands turned up before he suddenly realized something. “Wait…when you say you’re looking after him…”

Emmett grinned mischievously, thoroughly enjoying himself.  “Justin is actually in one of the guest rooms…”

“No way,” Brian retorted immediately, not pleased at all with the news. “Why is he even here?”

“He’s sick. Seriously sick. He has pneumonia.” Emmett had found Justin shivering and almost delirious in his apartment. He had immediately called a doctor, who had examined him to reach a diagnosis, and had been persuaded to help bring Justin back to Emmett’s place. Emmett had even called Justin’s mother, finding her number on his phone, to let her know what was going on. She had rushed over earlier in the evening, and had gone to a drugstore to get Justin’s medicine, the one the doctor had prescribed for him to get better. It had taken some convincing on Emmett’s part to persuade Jennifer to leave her son’s side, but in the end, she had relented, but only due to Emmett’s promise to make Justin call her as soon as he felt a little better. For the time being, though, Justin would need to remain here until he had recuperated. “He can’t stay at his studio apartment.”

Brian knew from what Emmett had told him before that Justin was living in some kind of oversized closet somewhere in the building. “Wait…Are you implying what I think you’re implying?”

Emmett grinned again. He was enjoying their bantering way too much. “Absolutely.”

“No way.” Brian was adamant about not having this blond interloper in their living space.

“Way,” Emmett simply responded, returning to casually flip through his magazine again.

“No…Way,” Brian enunciated the words slowly and clearly, hoping for some miracle to happen. It didn’t work.

“Listen, Brian, you have no say in this,” Emmett finally stated. Brian was about to answer, but Emmett didn’t let him. “Except for our friends who are welcome anytime, you spend your time bringing tricks here without my consent; much more than I do, anyway,” he hastily added. He was no prude, either, but on the other hand, at least he confined them to his room when he ‘imbibed,’ while Brian had no problem fucking them anywhere, and on any surface available, including the counter in the kitchen, where they spent most of their time. “So, don’t even try to stop me. Justin is staying. End of story.”

As if to validate Emmett’s words, Brian’s latest trick, one he had surprisingly allowed to stay over after they had fucked, suddenly made an appearance in the kitchen.

“Hey, there,” the beautiful redhead greeted the two of them.

“We’re done. Fuck off, please…” Brian responded curtly, a little uncomfortable that Emmett knew him so well. The redhead didn’t move, apparently surprised to be dismissed in such a manner, so to emphasize his demand, Brian raised his eyebrows and glared at him until, with an indignant huff, he spun around and disappeared from sight. Emmett could swear he heard a muttered “asshole” from the redhead before he left the apartment, the sound of the front door slamming shut confirmation that he had, indeed, gotten the not-so-subtle hint and left.

“Brian…” Emmett reprimanded him again.

“What! I said fuck off…please.” Brian added sarcastically as he smiled sweetly over at his roommate.  

Emmett shook his head. “God, you’re unbearable.”

“So, I’ve been told once or twice.” Brian looked at his right hand as he started to nonchalantly play with his fingernails.

Emmett knew by now how to identify Brian’s mood. Three years of living together was a long time. “Another nightmare?” he asked softly, knowing how much that tended to affect his roommate.

Brian refused to look at him, and Emmett was stuck by how heartless his friend could appear one minute, and how vulnerable he could be the next.

Emmett quietly rose from his seat to prepare some hot tea. His Aunt Lula had always made a delicious brew with lemon and honey whenever he was feeling down; since then, it had become a habit Emmett had picked up whenever the situation called for some kind of comfort. Brian bitched at him sometimes, saying he hated it, but Emmett knew better. So, as soon as he finished his preparation, he took the mug of hot tea and went to retrieve an apple from a fruit basket nearby, cutting it into slices before placing the mug and plate in front of his friend. “Here.” 

Brian grabbed the edge of the plate, and began to idly spin it around on the counter. He looked at its contents for several seconds before turning to look over at Emmett. “Don’t think I’m okay with him staying here. Because I’m not.”

“Whatever…” Emmett rolled his eyes, and went to check on Justin, leaving his friend brooding alone in the kitchen.

When he returned a few minutes later, however, Brian was gone. But the plate on the kitchen table was empty.